I recently discussed with my therapist the danger I've put myself in with men through being silent and compliant until the abuse and exploitation become unbearable, whereupon, with controlled anger, I become wonderfully articulate in my defence and in calmly and carefully ending a relationship.
I explained I have always assumed that my articulateness, my thoughtfulness, my ability to express myself, if displayed earlier with a man, would repel him, would make any relationship impossible. And, I can see now, inevitably, my experience has been of men who are too weak to hear a woman speak out. They are the ones who have preyed on me. And so I have literally been told, in an angry voice, to 'be silent', not to participate in social conversation, to allow the man I'm with to totally dominate the conversation. When I was a young child, my father told me that 'nothing that comes out of the mouth of a woman is worth a man listening to'. This fear of speaking out to a man, on top of my instinct to freeze in the face of danger, has left me woefully vulnerable.
My therapist is suggesting that I should try expressing myself well from the start and see what happens. She is telling me there are gentlemen who can hear a woman speak. This morning, wondering about the origins of this pattern of behaviour, I not only remembered my experiences and my father's cruel words, I also thought of a poem I wrote some years ago, when the admonitions of my parents, designed to silence me, came to mind. I have no memories of having any articulate, two-way, sustained, conversations about anything with either of my parents, ever. I was a silenced child.
Admonitions
Be quiet
Stop talking
Don't answer back
Don't speak while we're eating
Children are to be seen and not heard!
Be quiet
Sit still child
Go to your room
Stop being so disruptive
How dare you even think such a thing!
Be quiet
Go away
Go to sleep now
Stop asking me that all the time
Don't interrupt me when I'm speaking!
Be quiet
No you can't
Don't disturb me
You're irritating me again
Stop bothering me all the time!
Be quiet
Off you go
Just go away
Stop saying that to me
I don't want to hear you anymore!
And yet I still wonder why I stay silent.
Hi bluepalm,
I read your poem that you wrote years ago. I feel sad that you were a silenced child and that you had to endure those admonitions.
Hope
:yeahthat:
I can empathise too. I also was a silenced child, though partially in different ways.
By posting that poem on here, you are facing up to those words of your parents - you are not allowing yourself to be silenced. Once you start, the speaking up part of you will grow :yes:
So sad that you were not heard. Keep speaking. You are worthy of being seen, heard and respected.
Thank you to all who responded. I'm grateful for the validation and support.
I have no memories of having any articulate, two-way, sustained, conversations about anything with either of my parents, ever. I was a silenced child.
Quote from: bluepalm on May 28, 2019, 10:25:37 PM
Admonitions
Be quiet
Stop talking
Don't answer back
Don't speak while we're eating
Children are to be seen and not heard!
Be quiet
Sit still child
Go to your room
Stop being so disruptive
How dare you even think such a thing!
Be quiet
Go away
Go to sleep now
Stop asking me that all the time
Don't interrupt me when I'm speaking!
Be quiet
No you can't
Don't disturb me
You're irritating me again
Stop bothering me all the time!
Be quiet
Off you go
Just go away
Stop saying that to me
I don't want to hear you anymore!
And yet I still wonder why I stay silent.
This part of your is your story could be mine. Your poem articulates so many of the less harsh words from my M that for through my head.
I'm sorry you went through that welcome to the group.
Seriously felt the pain and frustration of growing up like that. I am sorry. It's so awful they and later men treated you that way.
Just came across this poem and thought it rings true for many of us here.
Thanks for starting to break the silence bluepalm