I recently (JAn 2020) changed the name of this forum from "Building Resiliency" to "Building Protective Factors" because oftentimes when people talk or write about resiliency it comes across (to me at least) as though trauma survivors haven't been trying hard enough and need to do better, be stronger, more positive, make lemonade out of the lemons we were handed, and so on.
Inadvertently or perhaps knowingly this sends a message that the onus and responsibility for our well-being lies solely with us. If anything we are already the epitome of resilience having survived ongoing abuse/neglect on our own with no-one in our corner. What we actually need are kind, compassionate and trauma informed others to help us navigate out of the storm - professionals, peers, family, friends...
Resilience is more about building in protective factors and learning more positive, life affirming ways of being: having more compassion and kindness for ourselves; letting go of self-blame and shame; feeling emotions, being present and remembering; all the things that we could not be or did not learn as children but need to live authentically in the present and future. We can't do this on our own. Resiliency is born of connection, with our selves, others and our world.
Some resources about resiliency:
Rethinking Resiliency (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mlUuY9tUFok) - a brilliant animation that explains resiliency through a trauma informed lens - well worth a watch (about 3 mins).
Panda's Island of Regulation (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HXE8DIMiv8Y&feature=youtu.be) - A video that depicts how children in healthy households learn to regulate their emotions in the face of stress (which in turn underscores why so many of us have difficulty with this).
What would you do if you could play hooky for a day? (https://ideas.ted.com/what-would-you-do-if-you-could-play-hooky-for-a-day/) - a helpful "take a break" reminder with a very short quiz
Wow, Kizzie ... thanks so very much for posting this little gem. Sometimes it's these creative pieces that get to the core beyond even some of the more grandiose research pieces. :hug:
I know, isn't it great?! :yes:
thank you for the video, loved it
"relation-ship" :rofl: Cute video!
I know right? Too funny.
Quote from: Three Roses on March 23, 2019, 04:32:50 PM
"relation-ship" :rofl: Cute video!
yeah. :rofl: I watched it a while ago.
I was taken aback at the conclusion too like :doh: thinking negatively about the traumatised ship.
Another article I found this morning by Sonia Connolly of Sundown Healing Arts - Consider Additional Truths (https://traumahealed.com/articles/consider-additional-truths/). It's about consideration for self and others.
Ideally, as we grow up we learn to balance consideration for others with consideration for ourselves. We see the adults around us treating others and themselves with care. We experience being treated with care.
Not what the vast majority of us here had sadly and so it is something we need to be aware of, learn and practice as adults. I learned to be considerate of everyone else but myself, so recovery has meant understanding that my needs/wants are important and that I will continue to erase myself if I don't attend to them. Last week it was letting my H know when he was ill that I needed him to stop being so difficult b/c it was taking a lot out of me at a time when I needed to care for him. He stopped and things went so much better for both of us. Win-win :thumbup:
This week it has been about putting our foot down in a real estate transaction where the buyer was asking for more than was reasonable. We had to remind them that the transaction (sale of our house) is a two way street (i.e., they needed to be equally as considerate of us and not take advantage as they were starting to do). Felt good I must say.
👍
:cheer: :thumbup: Super steps forward, Kizzie!
:cheer: that's awesome Kizzie!
Well the deal fell through after keeping us & our house sale tied up for two weeks - grrrrrrrr!
Getting back on track, My trafficker is a survivor of child sexual abuse (https://suicideandsexwork.wordpress.com/2019/07/12/my-trafficker-is-a-survivor-of-child-sexual-abuse/) is a short article which helps to think about feeling a mix of compassion/understanding for our abusers when we learn they suffered trauma too, but still feeling angry and being unable to forgive.
Sorry to hear that news about your deal falling through, Kizzie. Sending you a supportive hug, if that's ok :hug:
Hope :)
Love hugs Hope (didn't always, even cyber ones), tks :)
Quote from: Kizzie on July 13, 2019, 05:50:56 PM
Well the deal fell through after keeping us & our house sale tied up for two weeks - grrrrrrrr!
I'm sorry about that. I say "Grrr" too. :hug: :hug:
Tks BB :hug: One CPTSD take away is that our hypervigilance is sometimes useful as I was seeing little red flags a/b the deal and was asking questions.
Turns out they started to have second thoughts early on and were giving excuses as to why they couldn't meet two of the conditions (getting fire insurance & having a home inspection) by the date we originally agreed to. When we heard about the fire insurance being an issue b/c it's fire season (although it hasn't started this year fortunately) we phoned our insurance agent and found out that was nonsense. We insisted they speed up and git er done. Then they brought their realtor through to measure the house and said is was smaller than the listing. We had our realtor measure and check the village records - again nonsense.
They just weren't experienced buyers and had a less than proficient realtor so they didn't seem to realize they could walk away rather than keep us hanging on. We had agreed to extend the conditions date so they could get the last two conditions dealt with. In the end we lost another week but the way it was dragging on it could have been much longer if we hadn't pushed back, asked questions.
So the moral of this story is despite having CPTSD you can and should trust your gut, even or especially when your Inner Critic is telling you you are too sensitive, bitchy, whatever... You can meet people halfway to be sure but when you sense they are taking advantage or not taking your needs into account for whatever reason, enforce your boundaries. It's a good thing to do for yourself. :yes:
We have a showing tomorrow so fingers crossed :)
Quote from: Kizzie on July 14, 2019, 06:00:12 PM
So the moral of this story is despite having CPTSD you can and should trust your gut, even or especially when your Inner Critic is telling you you are too sensitive, bitchy, whatever... You can meet people halfway to be sure but when you sense they are taking advantage or not taking your needs into account for whatever reason, enforce your boundaries. It's a good thing to do for yourself. :yes:
:cheer: on being far enough along in your healing to do that!! :applause: :applause: And thanks for the idea that others of us on here could act that way too (like me with my ll).
I'll keep my fingers crossed for you for tomorrow :yes:
Sorry, keep getting sidetracked in this thread when it's meant to be about resources for building protective factors. Here's a video which is actually for physicians and childhood trauma but I thought that it's a good example of a protective factor we so need; that is, having knowledgeable (about relational trauma) medical professionals on our side.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=461&v=fc7NBdCYUAE&feature=emb_title
I've personally never been asked about any childhood trauma and I have moved a lot (military family of origin and choice). It's as though mental and physical health are separate which is false given the empirical evidence linking childhood trauma to illness & disease. I started telling my doctors about my trauma to build resilience - s/he will need to understand my past in order to assist me in the present.
Glad to see videos like this to educate physicians about ACEs/childhood trauma as it means we will not have to educate physicians as time goes on, they will know the impact of trauma and ask patients about it.
The take away is that we need having trauma knowledgeable professionals onside.
A helpful resource I came across today - "Intention Setting: To Love & Be Loved" (https://drarielleschwartz.com/intention-setting-to-love-and-be-loved-dr-arielle-schwartz/)