So, I finally went to a psychologist.
Turns out I have CPTSD, attachment disorder (RAD)... and some other alphabet soup diagnosis, which explains my emotions that seem to spiral out of control, why I overreact to even the hint of something that might be a threat, and why I have nightmares nearly every night.
It was a relief to put a name to this thing that has haunted me my entire life... but now I am not sure how to move forward.
I have learned to deal with the flashbacks... including drawing out some things I purposefully "forgot" about my past... including accidentally causing my uncle's death when I was 5 years old. I recalled that he died, but had suppressed the fact that I was there, and the role I played... and the blame laid on me by nearly all family members. This does seem to explain why I never felt I fit in with any of my family. But now I just feel numb about what I have recalled, and am not sure how to process it.
I have cut off contact with my childhood family, and have completely adopted my wife's family as my own. This is both a comfort and a source of deep terror, as I would lose all family if she ever left me (a fear I may never get over).
My deepest fear is that I pass on my fears and disorders to my children, or alienate my wife with my inability to fully trust anyone. We have been married for almost 24 years (my psychologist was very surprised I had not been through several failed marriages, given my background), and she has put up with a lot of my issues with trust and fear of catastrophes.
I'm hoping that writing about memories that seem to float into my daily life will help me to process what I have gone through. But more than that I am hoping to learn to trust... something I have never really experienced.
Welcome to you, RiverRabbit! My head is hurting rn or is say more, but I wanted you to know your post was read, and thanks for joining!
:heythere:
Hello RiverRabbit
It certainly sounds like you have a lot going on, but it is really great that you have the support of your wife (fears notwithstanding), as well as the support of a psychologist who is CPTSD aware. :thumbup:
I'm fairly new here, myself, but I wanted to acknowledge your post and situation. I hope you can continue to find the information and insights you need to unravel some of those knots and learn to incorporate more of those things you value.
:)
:heythere:
Welcome,
The fear of being alone, even though I rarely fully let my guard down is a fear I have as well.
Hope you find some support here :wave:
I.can relate river rabbit ..someone said today 'trust me' and i thought i don't trust anyone ..
We can learn though i believe all healing is possible ...
Welcome
Hi, and welcome to OOTS.
The psychologist I saw earlier this year gave me essentially the same diagnosis as you. I have also been estranged from my NPD mother and the rest of my FOO for many years. I was involved with my husband's family but never felt I belonged and now we are divorcing.
I think that my husband and his family are not very emotionally healthy. The fact that your wife and her family are still with you after so many years, sounds very positive. I would also like to say that my children have done exceptionally well despite all of my (and my husband's) issues, but I really understand your concerns.
I am sure that everyone here can offer support and advice. They have certainly helped me through some very difficult times.
Take care.
Libby.
Hello RiverRabbit,
I also just want to say welcome and that I understand the feelings you describe especially of being emotionally defensive.
I think it's great that you and your wife have been together so long. It speaks volumes for you both.
I can almost totally relate! Our experiences are very similar and I too am in the process of healing.