****TW::: Suicide, family, abuse, alcohol, self-harm mentions, possibly others!!!****
Hello, good people of OOTS! I'm honestly mostly crossposting from sister site Out of the Fog, but I think here might fit me a little more. I'm 28, and I'm agender (assigned female at birth).
This past Sunday was the 3rd anniversary of my husband's suicide. Halloween would've been our 4th wedding anniversary. I fully believe he was schizophrenic; he admitted to me the night he died that he had had auditory hallucinations for years, and he was always paranoid, jealous, and distrusting. Our relationship was filled with suicidal depressions and absurd control and looottsss of emotions. It felt like true love, it felt like the bad times were just things to overcome so that everything could be perfect. I have no idea if he was personality disordered or not, but at several times he and I each suspected BPD.
I moved back home with my mom, and about 10 months later, in mid-August, I discovered my sister was in an abusive relationship. She came to stay with us, and two days later was attacked in front of our apartment. My sister moved in with me, my mom moved out, and for 9 months, my life seemed to be on track, and my sister was away from her N-ex. I was working a job, dating a wonderful partner. Then in Summer of 2017, my sister's abuser killed himself in front of her, ultimately ending that nightmare relationship.
Honestly, I'm a dang mess. I've always been a floundering person, but as of today, I'm being fully supported by a rich partner, don't have or have to have a job, and I'm still not going to my classes, I'm wasting entire days in bed and watching the same episodes of Star Trek and reading forums. I have headaches and never exercise. I'm waiting on the results from an ADHD dignostic (should come this week) and have recently been emailing to set up a psych eval and therapy with a local clinic.
But I'm afraid that I don't even know how to talk about my whole problems and I don't really know what's relevant. I've had horrible sleep patterns my whole life, like being 7 or 8 years old and reading books until 1 or 2 in the morning. My dad confronted me about our shared depression issues when I was about 11 years old, we cried about it together, then never talked about it ever again. As a teen I was a self-harmer, until my parents found out and told me to stop unless I wanted to be locked up in a mental institution forever, so I mostly stopped. I'm fairly sure my dad is an N, and my mom an enabler, but I'm NC with dad and fairly LC with mom, so it's hard for me to really dig into it without being asked (or talking with my sister!)
I have major alcoholic tendencies (runs on both sides of the family!), but I haven't drank in like 3 days. When I do, I usually binge drink. I'm going to stop that cold turkey, or at least try. But I've 'tried' a lot of other times too. Maybe I'm just doomed to be messed up? I hope not. Really, I guess need advice, and I need to know how to talk about parental abuse (????) when I have so much other stuff to consider, too. Thanks for reading, anyway, and I don't mind if you tell me to stick to one place or the other.
Welcome nevareallysure,
I think this may be the right place for you. It sounds like quite a bit of trauma.
Glad to have you here. The people here are very understanding and many of us have personal experience with what you've been through :heythere:
Hello, welcome! I think this forum is the perfect place for you, and maybe your sister too.
QuoteMaybe I'm just doomed to be messed up? I hope not. Really, I guess need advice, and I need to know how to talk about parental abuse (????) when I have so much other stuff to consider, too.
No, you're not doomed. There is hope for us, the brain is able to change, there is a whole field in medicine called neuroplasticity that studies this. Trauma changes the brain, and it can heal. As far as advice, we don't give advice as it's against our guidelines, but we will give information and share what has worked for us. It's important for us to take things at our own pace. We shy away from "You should"s but we'll give you lots of info and support so you can make your own, personal, informed, unique decision.
That being said, there are two authors/books I'll recommend as they've been key for me to understand and deal with cptsd. Bessel van der Kolk's book, "The Body Keeps The Score", and Pete Walker's "CPTSD: From Surviving To Thriving" are so informative and useful, easy to understand and I particularly found "The Body" so validating, answering many questions I'd had all my life.
I do believe you belong here. Our forum contains a wealth of information and support that I don't think you'll find anywhere else. :hug:
Thank you Deep Blue and Three Roses!
I've read some of The Body Keeps the Score, but I need to pick it up again. It's a bit triggering to read in places! But I do know and believe there is hope for everyone. I've loved lurking on these forums the past year or so, and it's nice to finally have a place to talk.
I have my first therapy appointment this afternoon! They want to know my ACE score (6) and I think I've got most of my history laid out. I might also print this post to share. Either way, wish me luck!
There are printable documents here http://www.outofthestorm.website/downloads/ to take to your appointment! 😀
Thanks for the forms! I'm kinda worried about going in saying "I think I have C-PTSD" though, you know? I'm afraid of self-diagnosis and being seen as some kind of Dx seeker or something!
I totally get that! Adding to my trepidation is the fact that cptsd is widely misunderstood even in the health care community.
Precisely. I've been in and out of therapy my whole life, and now that I've finally got an idea of what's wrong, I think I'm ready to keep trying until I find someone who will really listen to my whole background.
Can I/Should I edit the title of my post to say "...and looking for encouragement!" instead, maybe? Mods? :)
Quote from: nevareallysure on November 01, 2018, 05:07:48 PM
Can I/Should I edit the title of my post to say "...and looking for encouragement!" instead, maybe? Mods? :)
Done :) Just for your info you are able to modify your own posts by using the "Actions" button on the right hand side. In this case though the title doesn't automatically change all the way down so I made the change throughout.
Welcome to OOTS by the way! :heythere:
Thanks so much Kizzie! I kind of intend to keep revisiting this post to keep kind of a chronicle of sorts. Or is it more appropriate to at a certain point, move this to perhaps the personal journal subforum? :)
I'm looking forward to become a real member of this community!
Hi :wave: ...hope you find this forum a useful tool as you attempt to pick up the pieces and make some sense of what happened; while creating a means you can feel comfortable with as you navigate towards recovery.
It might seem slow at times, awkward, awful; but also there comes those moments when things begin to clear up a bit. Patience, perseverance, and honesty worked the best for me (and no--I'm not really 'out of the woods', by a long shot).
Take good care.
Back from therapy, and have my next appointment scheduled. Had to talk a lot about why I hate my dad and why I don't hate my mom, about why I'm semi-estranged from my younger brother (because he takes after my dad and doesn't know how to make connections with people?!?!!) Admitted to drug use and the mounds of trauma so far. I think this'll be a good therapy fit, but we'll see when we get past the initial getting-to-know-you stage.
Other than that, I took a 25-minute walk today, and plan to do the same tomorrow. One day at a time, right?
:thumbup: awesome on going on a walk...that is such a great way to reinforce that you are moving forward! And yes on the taking it "one day at a time" speaking for myself, sometimes it might only be one hour at a time or even less, however I have come to celebrate any time spent not being stuck in my own darkness. Well done! And welcome to OOTS :grouphug:!
Quote from: nevareallysure on November 01, 2018, 05:53:19 PM
I kind of intend to keep revisiting this post to keep kind of a chronicle of sorts. Or is it more appropriate to at a certain point, move this to perhaps the personal journal subforum? :)
I can move this over to the Journal sub-forum or you can just start a journal there, whatever works for you.
Taking it "one day at a time" may have been coined by 12 step programs but feel it's a philosophy for everyone. Sometimes we can only take our day a minute at a time. I've been in recovery from alcoholism for 11 1/2 years but at first thought it just applied to not drinking but sober I started si again. In trauma therapy I stopped that too but learned my coping mechanisms are all tied in to my "flight" response. You are not doomed at all. I still also get that feeling sometimes usually when I'm feeling overwhelmed. I've adapted "one thing at a time" to my day too like just getting out of bed some days. So glad you got to therapy yesterday. sounds like you really got honest with your therapist too. Telling her about your substance abuse is also getting honest with yourself. You are moving forward and that's great. The only way we would be doomed is by choosing to just stay stuck in our trauma and decide to keep living there. This recovery is hard. I keep coming across how healing is often 2 steps forward and 1 step back but you're still 1 step ahead and how it's often just baby steps forward. You took a big step forward yesterday. Taking that walk is very positive. You did something rewarding for yourself. Hugs to you on your new journey :cheer:
(A hearty welcome to you, Lricord! :wave:)