Most of my life I've suffered from sudden "mood swings" during which I often want to self-harm/attempt again. This desire persists now, even though I haven't cut in almost ten years. As I've become more aware of the--my--CPTSD experience, I've been able to identify self harm as a major marker of EFs. And god they're so intense, so terrible, so overwhelming. So much cold self hatred. If I can sit with my emotions. Most of the time dissociation follows ideation in short order. I still don't know how I feel about the dissociation.
However, my EFs don't always come in the self-harm/ideation vein (thank god?). When they don't, it can take me days, or more likely, coming out of the EF, in order for me to recognize it for what it was.
I guess I actually prefer the self- destructive EFs because they are easier to name. Does anyone else feel similarly, or have other definitive EF tells?
If you check the top of the EF board http://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?board=57.0 you'll see threads like "What triggers your EFs?", "What do your EFs feel like?" etc. which many members have posted on.
I can hardly write about my EFs in a way that would answer these questions without triggering myself into one, so that's why I'm directing you to those threads.
I don't believe I prefer my self-destructive EFs because of them being easier to name. I do my brand of SH most often (more than over-eating) but the reason is different, more like easier to access.
I have found that coming back out of EFs and then recognising them for what they were has become easier and faster with time/'practice'. Time = time in therapy / healing. Don't think it would just happen by itself. None of my healing has just sort of happened with time.
I hope that some other members on here can give you some more specific answers. Brave step to be discussing this here.
Hi
I notice that both you and Blueberry are frightened of your EFs. (I am terrified of mine, but wasn't aware of it until reading these posts).
I find them really disabling - when i recognise that they are occurring, however sometimes I am unaware.
When self-harming with alcohol and drugs I realise what's going on, midway though a binge.
I should celebrate my mistakes really - it's a good way to learn.
My EFs are intense anxiety, or furious rage, or wanting to be alone, or not touched, intense hatred, or powerflessness, or paralysis, or lack of motivation.
Slim
I think I'm in an EF right now. I just can't seem to get back to center. If I could cry I would. I'm having tons of nightmares and am constantly having to keep myself busy to avoid wallowing. I'm scared if I stop moving then the si will start