I surprised my T this week.
I popped to the car part shop on the way to the session to get a new wiper blade & asked the man working there if he could fit it for me as I am not usually strong enough to fit the new blade. (Yes, sometimes I use my feminine wiles to get help.) he actually did fit the new blade for me. Not sure I dare go back for the other blade as I have now noticed that needs doing too.
The fact that I could ask for help in this way, & get it from someone who didn't have to help me astounded my T.
Because, I cannot ask for help from anyone I am close to, or it is very difficult. I find it very hard to ask for things from people in any kind of authority, I hated having to ask for a new spray or cleaning cloth in my old job as a lunchtime supervisor. Mind you, I wasn't the only person to have problems with the staff there, & lunchtime supervisors were very low in the pecking order.
I think it is down to transference. You know, people who remind me of negative figures from my past. If I need whatever help I am asking for too much, I become too desperate, too scared of rejection.
But, give me, builders, men in garages, yes, I can ask.
The flip side is that I cannot tell men who flirt too much to *off, I am very bad at that. I struggle with being rude.
So, I can understand why some social interactions are too much, & others are a breeze but it seemed hard to get my T to understand, surely every time you ask for help it is the same? I suppose, for someone who was naturally assertive getting their needs met is easy & is the same in every circumstance.
In my experience I didn't get some needs met growing up, no matter how I asked, & my parents did not model assertiveness. Also, my parents were rubbish at direct communication, my mother is unable to say 'no', even when she will never give what you are asking for. I learnt not to bother asking, to be self-sufficient.
I am curious about other people's experiences, are some things easy whilst the same thing, in a different place, with a different person feels impossible?
G
I probably have little encouragement in this, since I'm pretty much the same way about asking. It can get pretty ugly--e.g. I'm afraid to talk to someone on the phone, sight unseen, about store hours or something innocuous. My fear of rejection is sky high in that regard. I know it's hurt me many times, but I haven't been able to change the pattern; I can tense up at the merest human contact concerning almost anything.
With one exception--when I was able to control a situation. I got involved in what's known as improv/non-scripted acting, and was hugely talented at it. Why? Easy--I controlled the situation. Before and after I was the same hesitant poor soul unable to ask, but in performance mode I'd blow people over. And while I was also good at service-oriented jobs like working in hospice, the direct asking mode never factored in my comfort zone.
So I guess the crux is the fear of rejection that rides so deep. If only--those two words remain as troublesome as ever. The easy and not-so-easy, in my case, is tilted to all social interaction being difficult, period.
I have so many issues being assertive. Any step is a huge achievement for me. My therapist gave me a handout on assertiveness rights and it has helped. Your post reminded me that I am suppose to bring them with me next time as I have struggled more lately.
She says it is because of the way I was groomed as a child. I think grooming can come from many different forms for many different reasons.
@woodsgnome I completely understand being able to 'perform' I kind of do that for work, in that situation, I am in control.
@Dee I think I have those rights too. Easier said than done. I also have a book on non-violent communication. Which, in theory, seems so simple.
Equanimity would help, being able to see every encounter as the same, without attaching too much importance to the outcome.
Of course, I was groomed to be submissive, not to rock the boat, although it seems to have more of an impact in life away from FOO. In my FOO I was the only one to rock the boat, & want to know the reasons why?
G
Quote from: woodsgnome on February 16, 2018, 05:39:57 PM
With one exception--when I was able to control a situation.
It's the same for me. I used to work in very high stress jobs years ago, and I thrived.
The protocol was very clear and complex, which probably gave me a sense of control I really needed. When I felt scared of people I could find relief in
What Needed To be Done, in a concrete list of stuff to think about and achieve (relieving me of the need to get close to people / stay away and confuse them by it), and I tolerated the stress much better than most because, well... I was so used to it anyhow. :Idunno:
Also, strangers are easier in a way. Maybe because the rules of engagement are clearer and require less trust. Less chances of betrayal and less expectations / hope from our side. Maybe?
gromit, i agree with you that not all asking situations feel the same. i have a harder time asking those closest to me because the chance of a 'no' reinforces what i learned a long time ago with my folks - that i have to figure out a way to do it myself since they're unwilling or incapable of helping me.
this has shown itself many times after that in relationships, marriages, and even with my own children. it becomes personal when it's someone i know, someone i think i should be able to rely on, and they turn me down flat with no explanation, or, even worse, a humiliating explanation/excuse.
i am more ready to ask someone with whom i have no personal ties to. if they say 'no', it doesn't hurt my heart. that's a big difference.
big hug to you filled with congratulations on asking. feminine wiles aside, i would've asked for him to put that blade on just cuz i'm not familiar with how to do it. same goes for the other one. it's just not in my skill set, and that has nothing to do with being a girl. guys can't do a lot of things i can do.