A friend with C-PTSD phoned today. She's not a really close friend. She wanted to let me know that she'd put a letter in my letter box. Public holiday here today and tomorrow, so I wouldn't be looking in my letter box. So in her eyes it's urgent, otherwise the letter could wait till Thursday. And also it's probably something along the lines of "You hurt me then with what you said there". It is better for me when I get a letter with that type of information than a phone call. I am not averse to communicating on this type of thing i.e. on trying to clear up problems in a friendship, but now would be a bad time.
Then she proceeded to ask where we can send refugees, since she bumped into a couple outside my door when delivering the letter. So I said "Whatever Street but look I'm just back from 4 days of intensive therapy and my brain isn't functioning that well" to which she answered something like "I see, but can't you tell me where to send the refugees?" So I answered "Whatever Street and Whichever Road; Whichever Road must be quite near where you live. Whatever Street - I can't tell you where that is right now. As I said I'm just back from intensive therapy and I can't deal with this right now. I can't think. My brain and my feelings are dealing with quite other things."
So she did actually drop the subject.
Also I felt her request inappropriate - there's a letter waiting to be read probably telling me I was hurting her or something, but then she tries to use me to get some information about something totally different. Go find somebody else to give you this information! Or check a town map, the Internet whatever!!
But then I asked her if she's sure her letter can't wait a few days! Repeated the "intensive therapy" and came back from it realising that I'd just been about to collapse, because I often don't realise that I'm on the verge of collapse in my day-to-day life. So she actually agreed that I shouldn't read her letter till I feel more stable.
I realise with that last paragraph that I'm still JADEing when I set a limit. This friend (or more likely just acquaintance really) can set limits much better towards me than I can towards her. But even while JADEing I did set a limit to protect myself, and I did find out information (the letter can wait) to give myself more time.
:applause: :applause: to myself.
Well done Blueberry!!! :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: :applause: :applause: :applause:
Thank you both :bighug: :bighug:
You're quite welcome! :hug: :hug: :hug:
well done, blueberry. maybe you're not all the way there yet, but you're getting much better at it. that certainly deserves a celebration. :applause: :cheer: :party:
you're really doing great. :bighug:
Acutally the content wasn't that triggering or worrying. A bit, but not as bad as I had envisaged. I read it quite a while ago in fact. But I've continued to protect myself from overload by not replying. She was actually replying to a note I'd put in her letterbox months before asking her to leave me in peace about a particular triggering subject for me. She hadn't seen the note till the day before she answered when she found it by accident. She didn't understand my original request though I think it was pretty clear. I guess not. ???
Anyway I'm continuing to protect myself by not answering because dealing with FOO in Unsent Letters and all the pain that is bringing up is quite enough! Today eg I finally turned the washing machine on, the towels etc had been sitting in it waiting to be washed for a week. Now they're sitting in it wet, waiting to be hung up. Today after turning the machine on I finally had the wherewithall to put the previous dry wash away. It had been hanging on my line for Idk 10 days maybe. It wasn't exhaustion that was preventing me, it was more an inability to start a job and finish. An inability to work at all methodically. I get like this in bad phases. It used to be all the time. I put some of the dry wash away last week but was unable to complete.
Such is my life in bad phases. So :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: when I put minor projects / people on the back burner for a while.
Same with the 'friend' who objects to "always" having to tiptoe around me checking for eggshells, though it's not "always" that's her interpretation due to her inability to listen. Anyway if I answer it doesn't have to be now.
Blueberry,
I understand about not starting even simple things like laundry. I look at some things and feel like they are bigger than the Great Wall in China. Even if they are really just an hour or two's worth of effort.
Quote from: Andyman73 on November 22, 2017, 04:34:03 PM
Blueberry,
I understand about not starting even simple things like laundry. I look at some things and feel like they are bigger than the Great Wall in China. Even if they are really just an hour or two's worth of effort.
Thank you! It's nice to be understood.
Quote from: Andyman73 on November 22, 2017, 04:34:03 PM
...just an hour or two's worth of effort.
Or even half an hour!
The problem for me with running the washing machine when I don't have the wherewithall for it is: the laundry would then sit wet in the machine for a few days. In the long run that makes more work, because you have to re-wash everything. Been there, done that.
Quote from: Blueberry on November 22, 2017, 04:38:39 PM
Quote from: Andyman73 on November 22, 2017, 04:34:03 PM
Blueberry,
I understand about not starting even simple things like laundry. I look at some things and feel like they are bigger than the Great Wall in China. Even if they are really just an hour or two's worth of effort.
Thank you! It's nice to be understood.
Quote from: Andyman73 on November 22, 2017, 04:34:03 PM
...just an hour or two's worth of effort.
Or even half an hour!
The problem for me with running the washing machine when I don't have the wherewithall for it is: the laundry would then sit wet in the machine for a few days. In the long run that makes more work, because you have to re-wash everything. Been there, done that.
Yeah, I find it odd that mowing the lawn or clearing the snow off the driveway don't seem to have that effect on me. While less physically strenuous things really set me back.
Maybe it's the things wife would criticize and judge me for, that cause the most problems.
I finally wrote an answer to this acquaintance last night and put it in her letter box today. I re-read my original letter to her before I wrote (since she included it with her reply) and it is quite clear! I stand by it. She didn't understand, but I can't help that.
No sooner had I got home from my delivery tour around town ( a number of letters, cards and other written info), I discovered this acquaintance had spoken on my answering machine. Not about the letter, she hadn't noticed it yet. No, we'll be at the same Christmas celebration Christmas Eve in the evening and she would like us to sit together because she tends to get triggered when she doesn't know the person sitting next to her. She'll be there nice and early tomorrow and will save me a seat. Asked me to phone back to arrange. It didn't take long for me to decide "No." I acknowledge that that is her wish but I don't have to grant it! I know other people going to the same celebration, I haven't said I'll sit next to them either, but I could choose to. Also this acquaintance would like me to sit next to her, because it'll do her good. I can understand the desire, but it doesn't seem to have much to do with wanting me as a person. Just me as a 'safety net'. Yeah, I am a pretty safe person for her because I know and remember what her triggers are and don't usually make a mistake and do/say something triggering.
The thing I do occasionally is talk too much. But then she'll say "Can we be silent for a while." She says it, she doesn't ask ;) Well, of course, we can be, and we do so. But it is hard for me. When I last had more contact with her, I started saying that I was going to leave, or put down the phone before she came up with this request. That made it easier for me. Because I was deciding and it didn't feel so much as if I was being 'shut up'. Oh, great, now the FOO images are coming. FOO went in for shutting me up, not just when I was trying to be heard about the family dysfunction.
I don't particularly want to sit next to someone at a Christmas celebration who is likely to say "Can we be silent for a while." It's not even that I talk that much. Nothing like what I write :bigwink: When she requests silence, I feel, well, apart from 'silenced', somehow corrected, admonished. I've done something wrong. I've been bad. OK, my reaction is an EF. Good to know.
Nonetheless my feeling is: I pay attention to her triggers, but she doesn't to mine. Her written reply to me at the end of October showed me that she'd never absorbed the fact that the thing she kept trying to get me to talk about is triggering for me. She wrote that the information is totally new to her, I'd never said that before. Unfortunately for her, I happen to know that I had said it before, quite a few times in fact. One time she even asked me if I could explain why it was triggering. I said I couldn't! It was actually before I knew why. There you go. I remember her triggers, she doesn't remember mine. IRL some of us with CPTSD trigger each other. RL doesn't have the rules that a forum like this does.
I'm hesitating about writing this. I wonder if i've become seriously hard-hearted. I think I have.
This isn't a criticism of you. it sounds like you are doing well in managing this acquaintance. My question is: do you need to manage her? ie both of you having CPTSD is something in common, but does this person give you anything? sensitivity, kindness, rewarding friendship?
I feel hard-hearted when I read this, but not of you. You give a lot, I already knew that from your contributions here.
I became hard-hearted about people who took a ton but gave me nothing, when I was on the brink of suicide, because spending my time with people who didn't show me kindness or respect, didn't make me feel less lonely, they made me more lonely and closer to despair.
There are many social and personal reasons for perservering with different kinds of relationships. Not all relationships are equal or fair. I'm responding entirely from my own life circumstances, and i may well be overidentifying here. In my life, I wasn't doing anyone any favours by 'nursing' people who found it impossible to consider the feelings of others. I quit, not unkindly to them, in fact as kindly as I could, but I did it out of kindness to myself.
Please let me know if this is hurtful or unhelpful. I may need to know about what is appropriate.
This post made me think about love and friendship.
Here's my opinion -
Friendship needs to be a two way street. You need to receive and you need to give - and so does the other person. If all these are not happening, it's something besides friendship.
It's okay to outgrow a friend.
ditto both radical and 3roses. i've outgrown many friendships, have also had realizations that i was the giving one and it was not being reciprocated. not that i was doing what i was doing in order to get something back, but like 3 roses said, there is a two-way street to a friendship, and reciprocation is part of that.
i think you're doing really well analyzing this and seeing it fully and whole, blueberry. well done. big hug to you.
radical, i didn't see anything hard-hearted in what you wrote. i saw realistic evaluation and self care. good for you.
radical, your reply is neither hurtful nor unhelpful! On the contrary, really useful feedback.
I'd say this person was giving me something up to about 6 months ago, although it was still difficult too. I suppose I'm outgrowing her. Not so surprising really. I'm in trauma T and on here, after all, and she's not!
"You give a lot, I already knew that from your contributions here." Thanks for writing that. Hard to believe, but I'm trying to. FOO's messages sit deep and they say the opposite. But yes, you're right, I gave this 'friend' a lot. I'd be OK from now on with just seeing her about town and saying 'hello' but not much else.
Hey, blue, not really in the best place now to give a lengthy comment. So here are some hugs.
:bighug: :bighug: :bighug:
Thank you DR :hug:
On Christmas Eve, I made the decision not to sit next to this acquaintance. She got up to greet me when I went into the room, and I said I wanted to look around a bit and feel where I wanted to sit. Really, feel. A few years ago I would've probably made the same choice as her: last table in the corner. But not anymore. I'd rather be a bit more 'central' and can manage fine having a table behind me and people either side etc. Then a long-term friend came through the door! I didn't even know she'd signed up for that celebration. We sat together. It was good. :)
The acquaintance left an hour before the end too, I'd forgotten about that. She can't hack being with people for longer than 2-3 hours. So if I'd been sitting next to her, I'd have been left without one of my neighbours part way through the celebration. I decided what was good for me :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:. I can have compassion about somebody not being able to handle being in the company of others she doesn't know or in a room where there is a certain amount of noise, or just having a low level of exhaustion tolerance, but it doesn't mean I have to plan around this person! She's not a SO or a child or anybody really close like that.
That's great progress in self care. You deserve some time with your friend. :cheer:
I can relate to being rather sensitive with the company of people — I'd probably only last an hour in there. But I usually make it my responsibility to have my needs met here. And it's her own responsibility with her too.
:hug:
Had another breakthrough with another friend tonight. We often phone each other and support each other, so it's a different situation from the one acquaintance who wanted me to sit next to her. Still with the friend I phone, B., it's sometimes a little difficult. But mostly we can talk about that.
Maybe a few months ago we were talking and she mentioned that the previous phone call had thrown her for a loop afterwards and I mentioned something that I'd done during that call and asked if that had been the problem. It had been, although a) it wasn't anything bad and b) certainly wasn't intentional, but the way I asked if it had been me, I ended up on her side of the road so to speak and abandoned my ICs. I felt responsibility that certainly wasn't 100% mine, and I felt bad or my ICs did.
Today I phoned B. to say I hadn't gone on holiday after all due to exhaustion. She mentioned her degree of exhaustion, which sounded even worse. Then she went on to tell me the effects of our last conversation on her (not good at the end) and then what happened afterward, ie. one of her FOO members called her. I interrupted her to remind her that I'm really exhausted today too and I don't have the strength to hear what her FOO did and although I can understand that what I said at the end of the last phone call might have seemed difficult, what her FOO went on to do has nothing to do with me!! :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: Me setting boundaries again :thumbup:.
What I had said at the end of the phone call was that I wouldn't have time to meet up with her on a particular day in 10 days after all, though I'd never promised I would, it was just mentioned as a possible date, subject to possible change of plans in her case or mine. Actually I'm working on that day because that's when a student can come. It's my decision to earn some more money that day and to teach this student who kept getting sick in the summer and fall, but really needs help.
Even towards B., it's difficult for me to stay on my own side of the road and not make compromises that are 70% for her, 30% for me. e.g. we often meet in between our towns but closer to hers, so it's more expensive and more time-consuming for me to get there and home again. Or what struck me tonight, she's better in contact with her pain and sadness than I am, so she can say that she's sad about something and start crying. That's very difficult for me; when I start crying I'm absolutely distraught. So she's more likely to cry on the phone than I am, at which point I jump to attention, put my own feelings away and am there for her. I don't think she's doing it on purpose or to be manipulative. We've known each other for a long time and have helped each other through some terrible times. Both times where I had a real crisis at FOO's place, B.'s phone help was immeasurable in its helpfulness. I was also distraught enough to cry uncontrollably both times.
Anyway it's real progress for me to stand up for myself in this way and say: a) Stop! b) this is how what you're saying is affecting me now c) calmly discuss and d) remain in contact
Because in FOO remaining in contact emotionally was impossible when I was growing up, for reasons I can't write atm (but have been aware of them cuz discussed in T).
Hi Blueberry.
I just wanted to say well done on your progress in protecting yourself whilst dealing with your friends. Navigating these friendships sounds especially challenging as the friends you talk about have their own issues, which you understand so well, that it would be so easy to put aside your own need for protection.
Also, this thread has helped me so much.
Since starting to get to grips with cptsd, I have realised just how badly I am triggered by my in-laws. They are not nearly as damaging as my foo were, but their lack of caring and concern and invalidation. has always been very triggering. For years, I knew this, but pushed it aside. Recently, this invalidation plunged me into an awful EF, after which, I decided it was time for some self protection. Your post has really helped validate this decision, and has helped me deal with the shame and guilt. I suspect that people in general would think it wrong for me to avoid my very elderly in-laws, and extended family. I am sure they would think it must be all my fault as I have already lost my foo to NC. This is where talking and reading here is so valuable. No one else would understand.
Having said that, my in-laws phoned whilst dh was eating so I said I would speak to them. Dh reminded me that Pete Walker said avoid triggers ( he has been reading his book) and relieved me of the obligation.
So thank you Blueberry and everyone else here. Your discussion around self-protection has helped me enormously.
Finally, Blueberry, I would be very interested to hear more about your last comment regarding your foo and emotions, if and when you feel able. I think our foo's have definite similarities.
Thank you again and let's all stand strong in protecting ourselves and each other!!
Libby
Quote from: Libby12 on December 27, 2017, 09:16:13 AM
I just wanted to say well done on your progress in protecting yourself whilst dealing with your friends.
Thank you! :hug:
Quote from: Libby12 on December 27, 2017, 09:16:13 AM
Navigating these friendships sounds especially challenging as the friends you talk about have their own issues, which you understand so well, that it would be so easy to put aside your own need for protection.
You're right, it is challenging, but OTOH sometimes these friendships are easier too because these friends do realise that I also have my issues. It can be a lot easier to talk to them than to friends without issues, or for whom 'issues' might mean a spot of depression 10 years ago that they got over. That's just not in the same league as dealng with CPTSD.
The overall challenge is to recognise that there is enough give
and take and so remain in friendship and keep working on setting limits and caring for myself within the friendship, and when there isn't enough give and take, to let go.
Friends don't have to be friends for ever. You can share part of the road together, but branch off again, go different routes, even choose different routes when you recognise that you're not doing each other any good any more. Or the other person isn't doing me much good.
These are all new developments for me.
Libby, "Because in FOO remaining in contact emotionally was impossible when I was growing up, for reasons I can't write atm" - this is a topic where for the moment I'm still saying: let sleeping dogs lie. (Self-protection.)
At some point, I'll take it up again though.
I don't know much about friends, my best ones were online only. My last friend IRL died over 14 years ago. But if you have to work at it, not such a good friend. And the harder you work at, the less of a friend they really are. Good friends should be easy to keep.
I'm not sure about that Andy. I work at myself every day. So does the friend I mention immediately above. Makes sense to me that we have to use a bit of give and take with each other and that that involves work.
Quote from: Blueberry on January 01, 2018, 09:48:43 PM
I'm not sure about that Andy. I work at myself every day. So does the friend I mention immediately above. Makes sense to me that we have to use a bit of give and take with each other and that that involves work.
Hey, I just realized that my only relationship beyond my brothers, that would be closest to a friend is with future abusive ex wife. So I don't actually know what I'm talking about, in regards to friendships. So....I offer my humblest apologies for talking about something which I honestly know nothing about. ???
Andy, I hope during your healing progress that you start to come across people IRL who fit the definition of friend better than future abusive ex wife. HOnest, there are people out there who will treat you better. :hug:
Quote from: Blueberry on January 05, 2018, 03:58:53 PM
Andy, I hope during your healing progress that you start to come across people IRL who fit the definition of friend better than future abusive ex wife. HOnest, there are people out there who will treat you better. :hug:
I sure hope so. :hug: :bighug:
Quote from: Blueberry on December 26, 2017, 10:26:42 PM
Even towards B., it's difficult for me to stay on my own side of the road and not make compromises that are 70% for her, 30% for me. e.g. we often meet in between our towns but closer to hers, so it's more expensive and more time-consuming for me to get there and home again.
Been working on this topic today with B. Originally we planned to meet on Sunday, and because she's going through a pretty rough spell (non-abusive mother dying) in my mind I had been willing to give 70% again and meet her in the town we usually do. Even though I had previously been planning to start putting an end to that. But now she wants to meet on Saturday instead where I don't have so much time for travelling. I went right ahead and suggested we meet in a different town a lot closer to my place. In fact it is right in the middle between our two towns! When I've broached this topic before, it's always been a town a bit further away for me and closer to her, and even then she hasn't been willing. Only now do I discover town L. really is the half-way point!
I spoke on her voicemail so don't know how she will react. It was a bit hard for me but I did it. :cheer: Old memories coming up: my suggestions for what to do where, even things like what to paint and where to put it on huge class painting in elementary school are coming up. I was bullied back then and felt 'pushed around'. I wasn't one of the leaders and was told my ideas were stupid. I couldn't assert myself, which is no surprise since I wasn't allowed to at home. Never got any practice.
My impression today is: this is difficult! I got a message from B. yesterday but I didn't hear till this morning that she wants to discuss rather than email and voicemail about it. I can understand that. But also realise it's easier for me to discuss some by email because then it's easier for me to stand my ground and not be swayed into going with another person's plans which may be pretty disadvantageous to me, i.e. meeting up in the town closest to her.
But anyway I gave a client of mine a Saturday appointment. My friend may not be happy, but I couldn't be sure she'd agree to Saturday the way I'd proposed anyway. I feel myself tying myself up in knots justifying this decision. I realise I've been justifying and explaining most of my life, instead of just saying "No!". Why doesn't "No" work? Probabyl goes back to those backyard swimming pool walls again. They've been crashed into so many times that people automatically notice they can wander in over them and fix them to be the way that suits them.
My T has been intimating this for a while.
I don't think this friend is bad or a bad friend. She's merely thinking of herself the way I should be thinking more of myself than I generally do. She's better at staying on her side of the road. She's not used to me staying on my side of the road, but she'll get used to it in time! I use "should" here and I'm OK with that. "intend to" and "want to" would be better but I'm not that far along. That'll come though. :)
She wasn't happy. In fact she said she was annoyed. Fortunately she's able to hear a different view point from her own. So it's OK. She said she's not annoyed any more, now that I've explained my side of things. It turned out that my intuition was correct though. She wouldn't have been willing to meet in the town of L. on Saturday anyway, it would've had to have been the town much nearer her place, which doesn't work for me this Saturday. So I'm glad I have my client the appointment on Saturday.
Really I should be able to say "Sorry that's not going to work for me. How about...?" But I guess people are used to me backing down and making compromises for their plans, so kind of argue their own side a bit much. They had better get used to a more assertive Blueberry. :yes:
they had better get used to a more assertive blueberry, indeed! you go, girl.
this whole thing of expecting more out of you/me than of themselves irks me no end. i had a friend once (my sister as well) who would always, as in always, be late. i was always expected to wait for her, go according to her schedule, allow this, what amounted to rudeness, and be ok with it. oh, that's just 'a', sort of thing.
i think i brought it up to someone who told me that was very passive/aggressive hostility, a way to maintain a form of control in the relationship. to blatantly ignore the fact that i would hustle to be ready at the time agreed upon which was a form of respect, is really not ok.
i suspect there may be something similar going on with your friend, blueberry. if you don't meet her demands as to a place to meet that serves her better, then she won't meet at all? where's the respect in that? sorry if i'm seeming harsh, it just brought back those old memories in a rush, and how much i didn't like it, but just 'took' it.
i think assertive blueberry might show up more often in order to see the reality of this relationship. it also sounded controlling to me that she wouldn't accept email or other forms of communication when you asserted yourself. if it was ok when she was getting her way, why isn't it ok when she isn't?
just some thoughts that came to my mind. don't know if any of them pertain. i hope you get it sorted out for yourself, but i'm sure you will, one way or another. warm, loving, respectful hug to you, sweetie.
Thank you for your comments, san, and your praise!
I'm actually somebody who tends to be on the late side :whistling: I used not to be but idk it's sometimes really difficult for me to get out of the house.
She wasn't willing to meet me in the town of L. because too far, she has a long train trip the next day etc. etc. That's OK for me actually, but not her being annoyed. It's a two-sided thing. There was no compromise possible, so that means both of us were 'at fault' for not being able to meet up.
She and many others see email and voicemail as not as quick as phoning, she'd never thought that it could be different. Well, now she knows.
I would say there are friendships or relationships with acquaintances which are in a worse state than this one ;)
I'm just working bit by bit on this type of topic. I'll see where I get with it, how many people I drop on the way... I'll also see how much B. is willing to change with time.
I also noticed today when I spoke to her on the phone that I was almost apologetic - my voice got very small - that I was going out tonight, having fun at Carnival. I think that's my thing not hers, but it's good to notice.
I'm making progress, that's the main thing. :cheer:
I had a pretty short night but I often do when realisations are coming up.
I think you're right san, there are a few things amiss in this friendship. I was making excuses for B. Justifying and so on.
I have another friend with whom I often check and confirm plans via email. So it's not impossible or completely unusual or anything. Oh, there I go, defending myself again.
I'm remembering that she hasn't been willing to compromise on the subject of town for at least 6 years. That's pretty long.
B. questioned my 'priorities' of earning some more money and having time for a client who needs a lot in the next two weeks, but who also gets sick a lot, which she can't help any more than we on here all can, or than B. can ;) Because my client gets sick, she needs makeup appointments, fast. Those two weeks... I think my priorities would be wrong if I put B. first in this case, actually. It's not as if I'm a total workaholic who never has time for friends. On the contrary.
I won't be telling B. that I spent a long time on here this evening and that I'm a bit triggered and that that might have made going off to meet up with her tomorrow difficult. She'd question the priority of the forum and my moderating here. But not for me, no, that would be for herself because of wanting something from me. I'm a reliable type of person, mostly. It's my job, I do it to the best of my ability, whether it's volunteer or not.
My thoughts sound kind of harsh to me, but they're important. It's all progress.
I'm also totally OK on the amount of time and energy I spent moderating (and some posting for myself) this evening. It's my call, not anybody else's! Had I been going to meet up with B. tomorrow, probably something would have backfired or I would have had to 'drop' something. Whether moderating or enjoying an evening Carnival event I've had a ticket to since before B. suggested we meet Saturday.
assertive blueberry seems to be coming out to shine.
Quote from: Blueberry on February 09, 2018, 07:56:16 AM
I think you're right san, there are a few things amiss in this friendship. I was making excuses for B. Justifying and so on.
You're still right san!
a) The fact that I haven't managed to send a condolence card yet speaks volumes. There's something getting in the way, something else needs to be said.
b) The friendship has been 'too close', too intense, too many phone calls, too often. I haven't got back to her and it's doing me good.
Some of this = realisations, but some is progress. Even the realisations are progress!
Quote from: Blueberry on December 25, 2017, 01:20:58 AM
radical wrote:
"You give a lot, I already knew that from your contributions here."
Thanks for writing that. Hard to believe, but I'm trying to. FOO's messages sit deep and they say the opposite.
The big progress here is that FOO's messages are no longer sitting so deep. :cheer: It's no longer hard for me to believe that I give a lot in friendships. :cheer:
Quote from: Blueberry on December 25, 2017, 01:20:58 AM
I gave this 'friend' a lot. I'd be OK from now on with just seeing her about town and saying 'hello' but not much else.
It's been interesting for me to read back in this thread, seeing my own progress and seeing comments from radical, 3Roses and san. You were right all three of you, time I dropped this friend.
In Jan. she wrote a reply to my letter of Dec. but I didn't open it till yesterday. I was giving other issues in my life priority. Which is good because when I read her letter there was just more of her incomprehension. Discussing what a trigger is :stars: A trigger could be 'bad' or it could be just a little thing that's not really a problem, and she was assuming the latter in my case. :blink: :blink: :stars: I'm not even annoyed or angry. Writing out the bit about the triggers, it's so ridiculous I'm laughing!
Then she circled a sentence in my letter to her, saying that was cynical and she has to protect herself from my cynicism by not contacting me again. There's still a tiny bit in me that wants to engage and argue back and say things like "pot kettle black" and "how come you're completely innocent in all this?? Don't you notice you're blaming me
again?" but the bit in me that wants to engage is much, much smaller than it used to be. :cheer: I won't engage though. In fact the bit in me that wants to tear up her letter and my letter that she enclosed with hers is much stronger. I'm going to heed the want-to-tear-it-up bit and do so. :)
love you, blueberry. rip, tear, shred - that's all to the good.
dang, why we have to stay till they push us over the edge before we get out! i've done that in 3 marriages, and countless relationships/friendships.
i'm glad you were able to laugh, and that those old messages were becoming quieter and quieter so that you could hear your 'self' instead. well done, sweetie. well done, indeed. hug filled with laughing along side you.
Actually in this case I don't feel as if I stayed until she pushed me over the edge. I was actually pretty much done when I wrote that last letter. With her response she is merely confirming that my being done with her was a sensible move on my part. My being ready to tear up her letter is a sign of how done I am. Not tearing up to deal with anger but to end this thing once and for all.
I may have written this already but I never thought that being on the road to healing from CPTSD would bring about a change in friendships too. Never realised how unhealthy some of them were / are.
Blueberry,
I'm sorry that you had to let go of this friend, and even more sorry that said friend took so much more from you than she ever gave. I don't know if I ever knew anyone that gave to me like that. I've always been the one to compromise or go along with them. Maybe that helped me be abused so much too. Or is because I was. Don't know.
Thanks Andyman!
It's unclear, but I was writing about 2 different friends. One of them, B., did actually give a lot but sometimes the wrong things. Maybe presents e.g. but then didn't accept my autonomy. Although she did help and support me emotionally quite a lot but I did to her too. That was definitely a two-way street. I still haven't dealt with the issue.
But the other friend is no longer a friend and is completely out of my life.
Blueberry,
Sometimes who we think are friends, turn out to be just...friends of the moment, or friends in relation to a shared interest. Like work friends...friends at work, but away from work, not really. The only time I ever associated with any work friends, away from work, was when I was in the Marines. I lived with some of them...so...it was easier to be friends away from work that way.
I did hang around with one Marine who many others thought was not a good person, but I never saw that side of him. I guess he just rubbed them the wrong way. I never felt anything beyond genuine friendship, as much was we could be. But when he got out of the Marines and moved back home, our friendship ended.
I do hope things will go better with your other friend, even if that relationship is over, as well. A better parting I wish for you.