Hi guys, I really need some objective input into what my next steps should be. I'll try to make it as short as possible. I am 25, female if it's important.
About three years ago I found my mom dead at home (I lived with her at the time) completely unexpectedly. I have no immediate family and none live even remotely close to me. At the time it was me, my mom and my dog. A few months later that Christmas, I had to put my dog down. Exactly a week after my mom died my significant other almost killed me- she was very abusive since day one. Abusive childhood, too.
Glad that's out of the way. So after my mom died and my girlfriend did her crazy, I noticed that instead of normal insomnia, I would break out of a deep sleep, spring up and start desperately trying to get air. After about a week or so I noticed this was no insomnia- it started happening during the day. So now I'm hyperventilating day and night, I feel like I can never breathe. I start feeling numb with tingles going up my fingers and arms and going up my face. I had to breathe strategically- once in, once out, once halfway in- okay really quick swallow this thing before anyone notices- breathe the rest of the way in, exc. If it gets bad enough my hands will clamp together. This is especially unhelpful while driving- I can't tell you how many times I've had to pull over with my foot on the brake because my hands were actually stuck to the wheel.
After another few months, a more concerning symptom started to show itself- spasms. These spasms occur when I try to eat or swallow for the most part (when it feels like I haven't "timed" my swallow) and sometimes it happens just for funsies. I have been choking on my spit pretty much constantly for the past three years.
I looked into different types of seizures just to see if anything looked familiar, and the spasms I have most closely resemble myoclonic seizures though I'm not epileptic. I have looked into PNES and it seems to make the most sense, but that's just a girl with google.
(I'd like to put in that I studied classical music for over 10 years and know my way around diaphramatic breathing.)
So here we are. I can still never breathe, but I've learned a few tricks for immediate short term comfort, like taking a big gulp of ice cold water as a reset, exc. Ive found CBD or really anything marijuana based helps me the most by far, but I still have to avoid so many things so as not to push it. I can't bring myself to drive, going out in public is a suicide mission for my anxiety, and in the last year I've noticed a drastic drop in my memory and concentration, and huge spike with phobias and social anxiety. My biggest problem is going out to eat because people can see me have my spasms.
So top it all off with crippling misplaced dread and that's pretty much my story. I am keeping an open mind to all available options as I'd really just like my life back. Thanks for reading, I'm really glad I found this site!
Hello pmmeyourpassword!
First off I would suggest you bring this to your doctor.
Although many of the symptoms you describe here, I too have experienced, and for me they were unequivocally symptoms of severe mental stress. The panic attacks you descrive are very familiar, and terrifying. The body can react physically when your mind isn't capable of taking in the extremeness of what's happening to you. The shock of your mother dying so suddenly and the attempt on your own life is no small thing.
But I've also worked in the health care sector for far too long to know that these kinds of symptomts might also be signs of other illnesses, and it would be smart to get them checked out. It can be quite tricky to ask advice for this online, as there are many illnesses and diseases that have alot of the same symptoms. I know this isn't very helpful, but I stand firm on first trying to exclude somatical diseases.
Also, it's good to hear that you're not currently driving when you got undiagnosed spasms.
Quote from: Lilfae on September 18, 2017, 05:00:54 PM
Hello pmmeyourpassword!
First off I would suggest you bring this to your doctor.
Although many of the symptoms you describe here, I too have experienced, and for me they were unequivocally symptoms of severe mental stress. The panic attacks you descrive are very familiar, and terrifying. The body can react physically when your mind isn't capable of taking in the extremeness of what's happening to you. The shock of your mother dying so suddenly and the attempt on your own life is no small thing.
But I've also worked in the health care sector for far too long to know that these kinds of symptomts might also be signs of other illnesses, and it would be smart to get them checked out. It can be quite tricky to ask advice for this online, as there are many illnesses and diseases that have alot of the same symptoms. I know this isn't very helpful, but I stand firm on first trying to exclude somatical diseases.
Also, it's good to hear that you're not currently driving when you got undiagnosed spasms.
That is actually very helpful and something I should definitely do, if not just for potential therapists to rule out any illnesses right off the bat. I have gone to the hospital my fair share of times since this started as it feels like I'm dying, but everything came out just fine. I got my blood tested quite a few of the times I was there. When this first started happening I described my symptoms to my doctor- she prescribed an anti anxiety, anti depressant and 7 muscle relaxers for a week of sleep. The latter worked great, but they're highly addictive. The anti anxiety made it worse and the anti depressant did nothing. I see a big path of trial and error ahead, but the support helps a ton! Thank you so much for your reply!
Quote from: pmmeyourpassword on September 18, 2017, 05:33:49 PM
That is actually very helpful and something I should definitely do, if not just for potential therapists to rule out any illnesses right off the bat. I have gone to the hospital my fair share of times since this started as it feels like I'm dying, but everything came out just fine. I got my blood tested quite a few of the times I was there. When this first started happening I described my symptoms to my doctor- she prescribed an anti anxiety, anti depressant and 7 muscle relaxers for a week of sleep. The latter worked great, but they're highly addictive. The anti anxiety made it worse and the anti depressant did nothing. I see a big path of trial and error ahead, but the support helps a ton! Thank you so much for your reply!
I am glad I could help :)
You could ask for an EKG (echo cardio gram), if possible ask if they have a 24hr one, or maybe EEG (electroencephalogram) for the seizures?
Tell them that you're aware that it's most commonly written off as psychiatric illness, but you'd like to be sure. They'll more easily write it off as anxiety if you have a record of anxiety with them.
Hi PM, so sorry to hear you're struggling with some major physical symptoms - it's completely understandable given what you've been through. :hug:
I had a lot of the debilitating physical symptoms about four years ago and finally went to my doc who referred me to a psychiatrist. That was key as the pdoc knew both the psychological and medical aspects of what was going on with me. It took some hit and miss with meds as I have paradoxical reaction to a lot of meds (anti-anxiety meds make me more anxious), but we endured and landed on two that brought my symptoms way down (huge panic attacks with gagging - no spasms though; insomnia, couldn't get out of bed, drinking really heavily, etc). It gave me the energy and space to start looking at and working on (therapy, coming here), what was driving all my physical symptoms and I have made a lot of progress since then.
I hope this is helpful - not everyone wants to takes meds I know, I just wanted to mention that my symptoms were quite severe and that they really helped me.
I think what's to be said has pretty much been said already but I will just post here to say I wish you well. :) Hope it will all get better for you asap!
Quote from: Kizzie on September 18, 2017, 07:47:08 PM
Hi PM, so sorry to hear you're struggling with some major physical symptoms - it's completely understandable given what you've been through. :hug:
I had a lot of the debilitating physical symptoms about four years ago and finally went to my doc who referred me to a psychiatrist. That was key as the pdoc knew both the psychological and medical aspects of what was going on with me. It took some hit and miss with meds as I have paradoxical reaction to a lot of meds (anti-anxiety meds make me more anxious), but we endured and landed on two that brought my symptoms way down (huge panic attacks with gagging - no spasms though; insomnia, couldn't get out of bed, drinking really heavily, etc). It gave me the energy and space to start looking at and working on (therapy, coming here), what was driving all my physical symptoms and I have made a lot of progress since then.
I hope this is helpful - not everyone wants to takes meds I know, I just wanted to mention that my symptoms were quite severe and that they really helped me.
Thank you for responding, it is really comforting to know I'm not the only one. I certainly don't mind taking medication- at this point if it works, it's a miracle and I want all of it! I too drank heavily when this started happening- I actually thought it helped me breathe, but it was making it so much worse.
Quote from: AphoticAtramentous on September 19, 2017, 01:00:56 AM
I think what's to be said has pretty much been said already but I will just post here to say I wish you well. :) Hope it will all get better for you asap!
Thank you so much, it means a lot. :)
Hello pm and welcome! I didn't read everyone's responses fully but could it be there was an injury to your neck by ex-gf?
Quote from: Three Roses on September 19, 2017, 06:23:00 PM
Hello pm and welcome! I didn't read everyone's responses fully but could it be there was an injury to your neck by ex-gf?
Hello! Thanks for the question. I don't think I have an injury to my neck- it's always stiff, but no pain other than that. Any instances of choking were more of a scare tactic than anything.
Hello, I just wanted to mention that I have had similar bouts of what you're describing at nighttime, I believe they are night terrors. I have had several, waking up and suffering from a panic attack, sweating like I had run a marathon, and unable to breathe. This is caused by stress. My solution, has been to try to do peaceful things before bed, no stressful conversations/thoughts, nice/calm/happy shows/books/books. Perhaps even some yoga/relaxing music. Figure out your triggers, so that you can work on them.
Everyone's anxiety manifests itself in different ways, muscle spasms, extreme nausea, temporary paralysis (fight/flight/freeze), are all symptoms I have heard of, or experienced. The best bet is working on each one, one at a time. Pain/symptom journals can help you track patterns.
Good luck, all the best!
with me, a ton of muscle and joint pain. Some nausea, breathless, gut cramps, world of crap... all normal haha
I used to have a whole load of physical symptoms. My whole body was wracked with pain, and I felt physically very weak for my age. When the docs started working on these problems e.g. with medication, the problem would miraculously heal to then appear somewhere else, mostly as pain. I was pretty freaked back then.
When I said to my GP last year that I was massively reducing contact with FOO because I'm not willing to do it anymore at the price of my health, he suggested that in time, I might come to the realisation I'm not continuing contact at the price of myself. And that when I get that far, my body won't have to keep giving me physical health problems and weakness and so on. I see what he means, though I'm not that far along yet.
I think mindfulness is good for physical symptoms as it puts you in touch with what your body is doing and with practice can help you ground yourself.
You can also do it in public and nobody knows, better than choking in public which is very embarrassing as everybody looks at you......not happened to me for a while but not good as it just increases anxiety and for me anger too.
I just wanted to mention that I started having swallowing difficulties and choking when I experienced many stressors and found out that I have GERD, a sliding hiatal hernia and a spastic esophagus. With treatment, these improved, but stress and triggers still exacerbate these.
Be well and I hope you are able to get this figured out.
Hi Chessa
Just wanted to say I have had symptoms like this Have woken up about to die and feeling literally like I was. Sudden terrifying jolts in my chest or unable to breathe and hanging on to survive. Or wakening up upright but part of my body numb or unable to speak,
As those nightmare and sleep terrors have been processed I have seen the terror that drives them and they have slowed down.
As body memories of my abuse surfaced I have had, at different times,palpitations (echo and ECG normal, tinnitus and vertigo one ear (MRI normal). feeling full up and unable to eat I lost so much weight (endoscopy ulcer) anal pain and aching (normal sigmoidoscopy)abdo cramps and periods of being unable to breathe, intense migraines with screeching pain in my head and once, double vision, terrific back and neck pains, and tingling in my arms,
As the body fragments have cleared all this stuff has stopped. It was all very sinister because it was imbued with the emotional terror underneath and it made me intensely afraid of being dead or crazy - it was my mind trying to resist the horrors my body had endured and had stored in its tissues
I'm basically a very fit and normal, down to earth person. I have nothing wrong with me, I do Insanity and am fit as a fiddle. I have no medical problems and take no medications. If this hadn't happened to me ( Or before I knew I was dissociative and abused ) I wouldn't have believed it. I searched for hours on the internet to find accounts of trauma doing this. Pseudoseizures and non ulcer dyspepsia was about all I could find.
Trauma and dissociated body memories can do some very very weird *. All you have to do is feel it and go through it and it becomes processed and it goes away.
I don't know if this helps you but I wanted to share, Maybe read The Body Remembers of Pete Levines book about the tiger.- how to shake off body trauma.
I hope realising you're not alone helps xx
Helliepig,
Thank you! I never really considered some of my physical challenges to my trauma. I will do some research. I really appreciate your post and for sharing.
You're very welcome. I hope you find what you're looking for.
I'm sad so many people suffer symptoms from trauma physically and never manage to find the link or push a way through it.
.....So many people fighting this internal assailant they can't ever seem to outwit and having to believe they are disabled or ill in some way. It's a price none of us should have to pay for what was never our fault in the first place.
Quote from: helliepig on September 28, 2017, 09:12:50 PM
It's a price none of us should have to pay for what was never our fault in the first place.
:yeahthat: Agree whole-heartedly.