My psychologist and I have been working through a lot of stuff with regard to my mother. This week, my T got me to "send compassion" to her while I do my mindfulness and meditation every day. I did it very effectively in our session, and felt really peaceful afterwards. But since then? Yeah, not so good...
I want to scream and yell at her. I want to confront her with every terrible thing she ever did or said, so the knowledge of her damage is inescapable. I want to tell her to stay away from me unless she comes to a point where she sincerely apologises and finally owns up to what she did. I want to shatter her "poor me" attitude that everything is someone else's fault and she's a pitiful victim. I want her to go to bed at night knowing EXACTLY what she did to drive me away. I want to throw all her abuse back in her face so she knows how much she hurt me, and lay as much blame on her as she rightly deserves. I know precisely what to say that will cut her to her core, and I want to say it. No, I want to scream it for all the world to hear. I want her to never forget that it's HER fault she lost me, and I want my words to ring in her mind so that she can't get rid of them. I'm hurt. I'm angry. And I want to tear her to pieces.
I know that I need to do this compassion thing. I felt so nice when I did! But I don't know if I can. I just want to get mad, and stay that way. Which means she still has power over me. And I don't want that.
Sounds to me like the compassion was premature. I feel some compassion for my mother now, but not enough to excuse the things she did and said to me. She would have to apologise and offer some kind of recompense for me to feel that. I mean, I would need full acknowledgment of what she did before I could listen to whatever it was that made her the way she is.
How about a letter in the Letters of recovery section? I see you have a couple there already. You can write out all the things you list in your second paragraph, and keep writing and rewriting until it loses its sting. Subsequent letters may (or may not) lead to expressing some of the compassion you now feel for her.
BTW, I could have written that second paragraph myself...
Me too, songbirdrosa, I could have written much of your second paragraph. (Just not the knowing what would cut M to the core.)
Agree with Candid, sending compassion to your M sounds premature, based on your reaction. Just a thought, maybe you could send compassion to Little songbirdrosa instead?
Thanks, I think you're both right. There's a lot more anger that needs to come out before I get to that stage.
I think I'll add some extra to the letter I wrote to her later tonight.
And yes, that's an excellent idea Blueberry. Self-care, compassion, and love is on the cards right now!
This kinda ties in to my other post about the singer who died. As I was listening to some Linkin Park to remind myself of how their songs made me feel, I got to "Numb" which was always my favourite song of theirs. I listened to it constantly when I was 14-15 and now with a little insight, I can see why. The lyrics apply to perfectly to my mother. I'll post them below.
I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface
Don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)
[Chorus:]
I've become so numb, I can't feel you there
Become so tired, so much more aware
I'm becoming this, all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you
Can't you see that you're smothering me,
Holding too tightly, afraid to lose control?
'Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you.
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you.
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)
And every second I waste is more than I can take.
[Chorus:]
I've become so numb, I can't feel you there,
Become so tired, so much more aware
I'm becoming this, all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you.
And I know
I may end up failing too.
But I know
You were just like me with someone disappointed in you.
[Chorus:]
I've become so numb, I can't feel you there,
Become so tired, so much more aware.
I'm becoming this, all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you.
[Chorus:]
I've become so numb, I can't feel you there.
(I'm tired of being what you want me to be)
I've become so numb, I can't feel you there.
(I'm tired of being what you want me to be)
really heartfelt lyrics, there. wow. so relevant to so many of us.
my non-compassion part is directed at my ex. substitute him, and i'm with the rest of you and that second paragraph. big hug, sweetie.
Me too songbird...exactly in that rage at nm right now, struggling to maintain the composure and pretence with her. Is there a factory somewhere churing these women out?!?
Compassion over anger is pointless. T should know that really??
I can find compassion in my rational mind but not in my emotions. Since I did my sorry exercise I am more 'purely' angry....it feels awful but is necessary I suspect.
It was very helpful to read your words. . .. a relief. So thankyou for posting...
I love that Pete W idea of 'righteous anger'.... it feels so validating... an authentic response to being treated so abominably.
I'm starting to think it could be beneficial to go LC with her, at the very least until I can regulate my own emotions better. But I know I'm going to need her help with moving soon, so I'm not sure. Perhaps, after I've gone and I have some distance it'll be better.
Sounds like a plan!
I actually kinda loved your second paragraph. That is where I would like to get. I need to direct my anger to where it belongs. It sounded healthy to me. You were able to get it out with writing.
Quote from: clarity on July 21, 2017, 04:56:18 PM
Is there a factory somewhere churning these women out?!?
I don't know of one, but I'm reasonably sure there's a handbook. Hands up all those who've had one or more of the following said to them.
You always were a difficult child.
You always cause so much trouble.
You always had a vivid imagination.
You were always secretive.
We all get on so much better without you.
Just wait till you're a mother!
You think too much.
You analyse everything too much.
Why would I have said something like that?
I wish I could help you.
We just wish you could be happy.
Why must you keep bringing up the past?
You were all right until you went into therapy with that bloody woman.
I know I wasn't the perfect mother.
I may have been over-protective.
You bloody little liar!
Quote from: Candid on July 23, 2017, 08:46:57 AM
Hands up all those who've had one or more of the following said to them.
:heythere:
We wish you could just be happy..... I could retire if I had a pound for every time I heard that.
The guilt and confusion it caused in me...
Many of the other things on the list they said too.
NM making out I am being unreasonable for any emotional needs...she so often pulls the 'not the perfect mother' card.
Thankyou for listing Candid...it helps to see them all there.. v validating.
On another thread today I've written about my mother buying me a mug with BE HAPPY written on the side.
Ensure your child is utterly headfucked then make her feel bad because she's "not happy"...
Omg the mug. That must have felt :blowup:
All 4 of my FOO were brilliant at the illusion of 'happy family' and I was 'queen victoria' to them... 'weee are not amuussed' they used to jeer at me.
Being the scapegoat absolutely stinks!!!!
Near neighbours usuaaly quiet have a whole garden full...noise is so loud. Feeling sick. In hide mode... this noise thing is getting really bad. :fallingbricks:
i didn't actually hear most of those things, but they were silently communicated to me somehow. i still got the message.
ugh, clarity - i'm with you on that noise thing. sucks!