My mother took her own life and I can't seem to come to terms with it.
Lingurine
o, honey, how horrible. i don't have words to convey my feelings toward you and what happened. all i can say is that my heart is with you, and you're not alone in dealing with this. big hug.
Thank you san magic7, it is horrible. I try and approach it from different angles to see a bigger picture but I can't see it. It is so traumatic and sometimes all I can do is shake my head in disbelief. My own mother did this and she was so alone. Maybe when I write about it, little by little I can let it go.
Thanks for the hug, it means a lot.
Lingurine
i know that writing this stuff out has helped me not only put pieces together, but realize which ones i want to keep, which to get rid of. i hope it does the same for you. it's a tangle of emotions and questions that you have to work through, so i hope you can be patient with and kind to yourself while in the process.
i do hope you keep writing, and i hope it helps. big hug to you, and warmth and peace.
Sanmagic, did you experience the same with a loved one?
For me, I live with it and have to deal with it. I just don't know how. My whole life I fought with my depression and she did it. I wanted to stay alive because I didn't want to hurt her.
I'm so full of hurt, anger and despair. Can't talk about it much. Thank you for responding, I feel less alone.
Lingurine
Lingurine, I'm so sorry! :hug:
I'm standing with you in your despair and hurt and anger. I don't have personal experience of this however.
The closest is a FOO member saying "you can't ever tell M that [accusation of something she did to me], she might commit suicide!" Then I thought a bit like you: I've been living with depression and much more almost all my life and I've never even attempted suicide, I've kept on going, and a FOO member would hold me responsible for M's suicide if I dared confront her with one of the things she did to me that has ruined numerous aspects of my life :stars: :stars: I feel angry about that too, if I can allow the anger to bubble up.
Maybe somebody else will post who had direct experience with this. Till then :bighug: Blueberry
Thank you Blueberry, it means a lot that you stand next to me with the same feelings. It doesn't matter what the reasons are, it's good to be together with it. I understand what you are saying about the unfairness of it all. We were parentified to take care of our mothers, that's so not how it's supposed to be. That's too much to carry for children, adults even. Like you, I never attempted suicide. I went on, even through the hardest times. I can't believe she could do this to her own children. It's so sad and violent. My heart bleeds.
Lingurine
Lingurine, I mean also what my M did to me of which I accuse her is something that people do commit suicide over, or at least because of all the long-lasting effects, but this wasn't an issue at all in the other FOO member's perspective. It was just the fact that M might commit suicide because of the realisation of what she'd done to me. Which I highly doubt, with all FOO on her side and me still the family scapegoat. But even if she did commit suicide over it, it wouldn't be my fault. She was the one who started with all the inappropriate behaviour in the first place.
It is good to be together with it and standing up and keeping going through all of this. :hug: :hug:
Blueberry, I understand what you meant, the might part, after she realized what she did to you.
Reading what you wrote there comes a thought into my mind, maybe my mother did this partly because she realized what she did to me and her doing it was not my fault and it was her who started the inappropriate behavior in the first place.
The words you wrote are appropriate in my situation. We have suffered similar.
You have a clear mind Blueberry :hug:
Lingurine
I cried and cried and that's a good thing because the last three years were a horrible concatenation of tragic events. It's time to process them because I'm at risk with major depression. I feel like I'm a burden to my SO. I told him and he said I don't need to. That I'm worthy to him. I told him that I need time to rest an process things and that I feel guilty when I do so. We agreed that I need to do so because my depression gets worse if I don't. I'm in so much pain.
Lingurine
o sweetie, that crying must have been cleansing tears for you. i'm so very glad your so is on your side with this and supporting you about having to take time to process. yep, time can be a helper for things like this.
i didn't have that experience personally, but my oldest daughter made numerous suicide attempts/gestures/threats throughout her life, and i was on edge about it for over 30 years. i personally almost did it myself at a time when i was overwhelmed by responsibility and believed i had nowhere to turn. it never crossed my mind to think what it might mean for others if i'd gone thru with it.
perhaps you've hit on a possibility with your mom, that she became overwhelmed with what she did. i've dealt with people who have had suicide in their lives, and there are many reasons for it. whatever the reason is, however, it is never another person's fault - it's not your fault what happened with your mom.
i do know that people commit suicide and sometimes like to blame others, or they threaten others with it in order to manipulate someone to do what they want. being told to keep something a secret or you may be the cause of someone's suicide is wrong and completely incorrect. your mother made a difficult decision that has had lasting ramifications for you, but it was her decision alone.
i hope you get the rest and time you need for all that you're dealing with. i'm holding a hand out in case you ever need to just grab onto something. you're not alone with this, lingurine. sending a warm embrace to help ease the pain. that kind of pain, o, my heart is with you.
Sanmagic, your warm and understanding words touch my heart. It heals a little, you reaching out to me. That must be so hard for you, your daughter in so much pain that she wanted to end it all. I can relate to that, I feared for my sister for so long. She threatened with suicide all the time. The shock was immense when I heard it was my mother who did this. I never expected that. The pain about it runs so deep. It feels better to write about it than talk. I tortured myself with so many questions. The outcome is still the same. The questions become less and less. The feeling of hurt scrapes and sands my whole being and I want to walk away from it but I can't.
Thank you for being here.
Lingurine
Lingurine, my heart reaches out to you. This is a lot to go through and I am so glad you are posting here to get the much deserved love and support. Suicide is a really difficult one, I have not personally lost someone to that but I had a close friend whose mom was like a second mom to me that did commit suicide when I was a teenager. IT really does make the whole world spin.
Like everyone else I really want to stress that you are not at fault for any of this. I wish I could be with there you to help you work through all of this. I too contemplated it, and had gone as far as to write a note and pick a date. It is so blinding at that point that they don't see how it will affect others. I know you will get through this, I have seen your strength so many times on here. I don't have words to solve it, but know I am here for you and am sending you all the warmth and understanding I have :hug:
keep writing, if writing is what helps. we will be here to listen and help carry the pain for you. you're so right - neverending questions and same results. i'm glad those are beginning to diminish.
i'm also glad you decided to write about this. so much strength and courage in you to do that. those attributes of yours will help you get through this. eventually, hopefully, the memory will cease to pack such a horrific punch and you will be able to move on from it.
not to say you won't remember your mom or what happened, but just that such remembrances will stop causing you such distress, enough that your world comes to a standstill for a while. instead, you will know within yourself that your world has changed, and can change even more, but in a more positive way. that day is coming. with you all the way on this. big hug to you!
Elphanigh, I think that losing the mom of your friend who was like a mother too you, must have hurt enormously, as one person who you could trust through all your pain. :hug: for your loss.
Sanmagic, I hink that must be hard for you, the agony to think your daughter would go on with this. :hug: for you being a great mother for her.
Although English is not my first language, I try to make the most of it writing. Writing in a language not your own has the advantage that there is a distance between feeling and writing. Disadvantage are syntax or semantic problems. I'm trying though.
My mother. She was a warm, loving person on one hand, and mean and manipulative on the other hand. I never knew what to think of her, I thought I could trust her. But it ended out that there was no trust, it felt like I had a blindfold for my eyes. I could not really see who she was. I needed her to be with me, of all the people in my FOO she was the only one I trusted. At the beginning, when I was totally into the Fog.
I tried to understand why she turned all my words and used me as a shield to protect her against my dad. She turned all my words, so I couldn't trust my judgements anymore and became an insecure kid. Although I had a very good instinct and distinctive feeling of judgement. It became harder to trust my own feelings and thoughts. I stood up for the lesser assertive kids and grown ups. I stood up for kids at school who were teased and I stood up for my mother. I did this everytime she looked at me when my dad attacked her, to help her. And I defended her, although she asked me to defend her, after I did, she laughed at me with a mean grin and I felt so betrayed. She played helpless and then made fun of me when I did.
Enough for today, I have to go.
Lingurine
may i just say that your english is fantastic! good for you for using it as a helping aid through this.
as an aside, i read that people who are bilingual have a lesser chance of having alzheimer's or dementia because they are constantly using both side of their brain in translating back and forth. it's shown to be good exercise for the brain.
trusting, being betrayed, trusting again, same thing happening - it's an awful feeling, an awful experience. i've just gone through it twice in the past year, have eliminated those people from my life. i don't need that kind of crapola anymore. it does nothing for my goal of healing. i'm sorry you had to go thru that with your mom, one of the adults in your life you looked to for protection and well-being. big hug, lingurine.
Dear sanmagic7, Thank you, it's good to know my English doesn't sound like soup and you are able to read my words. Interesting fact about the Alzheimer or dementia. It seems true, since I write in English, I do have a better memory now you mention it, I used to look for my glasses in the fridge, but now I know they're on my nose :bigwink:
Trust comes walking and goes running. Good for you that you keep your distance from people who are not trustworthy. I do the same thing and although there are a few people left to trust it's better than being betrayed again.
My mother again. She had difficulties in her life and wasn't able to solve any of her problems. She felt helpless all the time and to defuse that, she developed a severe case of OCD. Had to wash her hands all the time, constantly washed dishes and made sure she and her house were clean. Me, she forgot, I had to go to school with barely clean clothes or a decently washed body. Kids laughed at me about that, try to tease me. So I went on being more invisible.
When I was sick she left me in my room for days because of the bacteria. When I was an adult I saw her give money back to the cashier because the money was dirty and she needed a clean bill. :stars:
Another example from her being absorbed by hosophobia was that she didn't protect me from my siblings. My brother went to judo and fought with me to show his abilities. He strangled me numerous times and when I called for my mother, who I saw, who stood there, at the sink, her back at me, did the dishes, never once helped me. The best she could do was saying, you figure it out on your own. So, I helped her and she left me hanging. I build up so much anger about that.
Enough for today,
Lingurine
lingurine, i can only imagine how much anger you must have built up around those issues with your mother. i sincerely hope you can find ways to get that anger out. i'd hate to see it hurt you. i know that's a real thing because i'm physically ill now because i wasn't able to get my emotions out, and my body carried them for me for way too many years.
i'm glad you're getting some of these memories out. that's a very good first step in this battle. i hope you can keep it up. big hug.
Sanmagic, the body tells us what our mind is repressing to feel, I think, I'm so sorry for the pains your body left you to dissolve. I know what you mean, my body is older too and my muscles hurt from all the anxiety. Hope that your appointment with the doctor helps with that.
*TW*
We have to go back in time a little, to understand where a part of my mothers problems occur and how she used to deal with them. When I was three years old, the brother of my mother caused a deadly car accident. My sister had four sisters and three of their husbands were with him in the car. Her brother survived the accident and the brothers in law all three were deceased. *End TW*
This was major in the family, my mother was, together with her youngest sister, the only one who've had her husband still. For the funeral, my mother was so fearful that she brought me, her youngest child, again, as a shield, to the funeral. I had to protect her from the pain her sisters were in.
All this put a strain on my family. My father became the guardian of the other families kids and my mother didn't know how to cope. I later in life asked my neighbours if they wanted to be my guardian when something might happen to my family. They agreed.
At three, my nightmares begun. I've had them for so long and screamed of fear every night. Especially one sister of my mother came screaming in my nightmares. Again, my mother wasn't there to comfort me or telling me why I had those nightmares all the time.
Enough for now.
Lingurine
what a horrible situation, all the way around, for you to have been a part of. it is truly amazing to me what we have survived.
and continue to survive. our bodies, having held all that pain, stress, tension for ever so long - of course they ache with the burden and the strain of it. here's hoping we eventually get some relief. :hug:
You write very fluently!
My mother is technically alive - Adult Protective Services has paid her two visits, and decided that although she lives in very unhealthy conditions (to put it lightly) and is not taking care of herself physically/mentally, the fact that she is technically able to and chooses not to means that APS can't step in and do anything for her. I've been NC for four years (obviously a lot of trying to help/enabling lead up to that). She drinks and takes pills and doesn't eat. So she's killing herself slowly and I get to just wait for that phone call and accept, very slowly over time, that she's willing to let herself go like this and not be a living person in my life.
I don't know how you feel but I fear that someday I will. I'm giving your hand a squeeze.
Sanmagic, Thank you, oh Yes those bodies ache all the time. We are not 18 anymore aren't we? :Idunno:
Thank you, carnation. I squeeze your hand too. What did you mean by your last sentence BTW? Do you fear you will some time end it yourself?
Today I think the depression talked to me in another form, I can always die, let's first live a little, so let that be the saying of today. Here's to the living :cheer:
Lingurine
Quote from: Lingurine on June 22, 2017, 02:48:51 PM
What did you mean by your last sentence BTW? Do you fear you will some time end it yourself?
Ah - I meant that I fear someday I will know what it's like to lose a mother to suicide.
Depression is a gnarly beast. Today I will be treating it with doughnuts and favorite tv shows. And possibly a meditation video on youtube (there are so many!)
Quote from: carnation on June 22, 2017, 05:29:00 PM
Quote from: Lingurine on June 22, 2017, 02:48:51 PM
What did you mean by your last sentence BTW? Do you fear you will some time end it yourself?
Ah - I meant that I fear someday I will know what it's like to lose a mother to suicide.
Depression is a gnarly beast. Today I will be treating it with doughnuts and favorite tv shows. And possibly a meditation video on youtube (there are so many!)
I understand now, you fear that you once might know how it feels to lose your mother like that.
I hope not, let's hope your mother does seek/find help for her problems. When I heard my mother committed suicide, that put everything I thought about her before, in a whole new perspective. She was the one who never wanted to talk about her problems with a professional. I totally see no problem in that. Going to a T is like brushing your teeth, has to be done for my sanity.
Take care,
Lingurine
*TW*
We have to talk about the black vicar. I emphasize the word 'black', because I think this race has special meaning to you. You were devoted to religion and wanted your whole family to be like you. So we went to church, read the bible and prayed like you wanted us to do.
You became friends with this man who was the vicar of our church. He was also black and gay, so you felt three times as important that he wanted to be your friend. I was only five when you left him with us, mother. To babysit. He did things with us mother. But you were blind.
I was blind too. You put us on a black school when we had a (white) school in the street. I never understood why I had to bicycle so far to go to school.
Recently, I know why. You wanted to look good to him, to Frank, so I call him, because that's the name that pops up along with images from me and him, just recently.
Why mother, why? I feel so betrayed, angry, offered, sad, I want to scream.
Why?
Lingurine
Today I received a letter from one of my neighbours. There is another rebuilding taking place, from Juli until October, that includes a lot of noise. I hate noise. Especially others noise. I really can't stand it, it triggers me and I will feel like crap all the time. I need to protect myself from those overwhelming feelings but am totally clueless. It seems that I have no control over my environment, no control over me at times. I want to be balanced and feel like a happy go lucky child, but the universe says no no no.
It's sad.
Lingurine
lingurine, you're frankness is compelling, inspiring. it shows your courage and determination to meet and beat this beast head-on.
i'm so very sorry for what you've gone through. i don't have enough words. frank is a good name for this, to my mind, on many levels.
was this helpful for you, to let this out? i certainly hope so. to be betrayed by a parent who is blind at heart level is horrible. while i didn't have the same experience, i can relate down in my gut. i feel it.
thank you for sharing this. your strength has flown off the screen and into me, making me stronger for what i'm going thru. peace to you, lingurine, peace and love and kindness. and a big hug.
Dear Sanmagic, your words move me, I think you are a real driving force on this forum, standing by everyone. You can be so proud of that, your kindness reaches a lot of people here, I'm sure.
It does help to write this down. In a way I hold her accountable for what happened. She had to know better. I never spoke to her about this, or maybe as a child, but never as a grown woman. She dismissed my feelings and it feels good to let them out.
It happened then and although I have a hard time with it now, it still happened then. I will survive.
It's good to read that you feel empowered by my words. They empower me too, it took me a long time to comfort myself.
Lingurine
thank you from my heart for your kind words.
and, i hope that construction noise is over with soon. i'm with you on that noise thing - hate it!!!