Hi this is Beth,
My first time posting. Not diagnosed by a professional; self-diagnosed. Found concept after doing detective work regarding narcissism. I watched Richard Grannon YouTube videos, found Pete Walker's book, then more and more. My cPTSD is result of childhood emotional abandonment; these symptoms match my life so much closer than any other... struggling today.
I have struggled entire life with relationships. I was a fake. Did what I could to not be rejected but self-hated at same time. ( I see all of this now). Divorced after 25 years, from passive aggressive, covert narco. Fired from my job. Both last year.
I went on a vaca with my sister two weeks ago and told her everything about what I thought about me and cPTSD. I had two emotional flashbacks on the trip which scared her. I handled them really well, relative to how I was before I could identify them. Super short. I think now that I should have realized that, since she also went through the same childhood, that I may have triggered her. Today she told me she cannot talk to me anymore if I have flashbacks.
Intellectually, I understand that she is establishing a boundary.
Me and my Inner Critic examined the flashbacks and I am convinced that I was not abusive at all.
But Inner Critic is still calling me bad names.
I am verbally venting about this.
When she told me that, it felt like rejection, I was panicking a bit. I feel totally alone.
I feel a bit better now.
I need to find a verbal ventilation section....
Thanks for reading and thanks in advance for replies... I do not think I can bear to tell anyone else what I am going through.
It sounds to me as tho what happened on your vaca just scared your sister a bit. She established a boundary but this does NOT make you bad! and if you diligently honor it, while not breaking contact with her, I wonder if you'll see her come around in her attitude a little, and take steps for her own healing.
Thanks for joining! :heythere:
Thanks Three Roses.
I think you are right about her being scared. I texted her after the phone call and said I loved her. She replied with about a dozen "love" emoticons.
I don't think I am bad... but I might not be good for her. It's very complicated right now. I am going through steps to immerse myself in knowledge and self care. I so appreciate this site and hope to talk more to others who can understand this.
It is the alone-ness that I am trying to acknowledge, accept, and overcome.
Thank you so much for replying. :blink:
Welcome, Trillium! :wave:
It sounds like you are on the right track, and I wish you success.