I was so isolated growing up. and i guess still am...
Never did anything with friends, cuz there was no one "good enough" for me to play with. everyone was a "bad influence" on me. In other words, they were NORMAL. and being around them I might get ideas in my head about things i *should* be doing. I stopped asking to go over to friends' houses. I hated bringing friends over to mine, in case they might witness F yelling. I stopped having birthday parties. (these were always a way for my parents to put on a face of how good they were).
Anyway, there's much much more of that, but my problem is that now, i continue to isolate out of habit. Yes, I am very introverted, and i don't have a problem with that. In public I feel like i have three eyes or something so wildly different from the rest of people. I can't decide how much of that is normal introverted-ness, and how much is because as a child (and still!) I was to be seen and not heard, i walked behind, I said yes daddy and then i'd shut up. i know that today i feel like everyone thinks that way about me...that i'm so completely different and LESS. Fundamentally less than everyone else. that was kind of a realization that i could feel, but never exactly put into words before..
I don't feel like i should deserve the same things as others, i expect to be ignored, belittled, to have every simple request denied. This gives me a lot of struggle trying to practice self-care. It seems scary and dangerous to try and say that I need something... I'm trying to overcome it, and let myself have needs and express myself, but both feel very dangerous. It feels like everything I ask for i'm going to be made fun of for asking for, or get a harsh "no, leave me alone". I feel the need to apologize for every word and action.
Well, this post has taken kind of a different track than I expected. Not as much about isolation, but about ... something else that I can't think of a name for right now..
I want to respond more fully, but I can definitely empathize with the 'not worthy of having selfish needs' like clothes and shoes that fit and regular hair cuts. You are not alone. This stinks. It's lonely. But, you did something pretty spectacular. You reached out! I'm so glad you did!
joyful i feel this so much! you definitely are not alone in this sentiment. its truly a frustrating and difficult battle between knowing you deserve to have needs (and have your needs met) and also "knowing" (from childhood teachings) that your needs seem unimportant.
i also relate to all friends/non-family members being constantly deemed as a "bad influence" when so often it's just the opposite. i'm still learning to ease into a close and tight friend group (of almost 4 years) without feeling like an outsider, and like everything i say or feel is irrelevant and should be kept to myself to deal with alone, similarly expecting no one to care. but, it's tough to remember but the reality is they're our friends. it was incredibly embarrassing asking my friends to send some positive words re:moving out and in the back of my mind i strong, so strongly felt they'd reject me as my parents always have. normally when i feel less than worthy, less than valuable, i isolate as well, instead of reaching out, so it's good to break the habit if possible. and if they're your friends, they'll get back to you with kind words that don't make you feel unworthy of their support and love, ya know?
i wonder.. it could be helpful to perhaps weekly assess and fulfill one need? making a habit of it, even for the "trivial" ones like eating or the ones wife#2 gave. a part of self care is indeed working to care for some of your own needs. at some point reaching out can be a part of that habit as well? self parenting, and realizing your needs are important, is quite the journey but i'm definitely cheering you on joyful! as wife#2 said, you reached out! and i'm also glad you did! :cheer:
Quote from: joyful on April 17, 2017, 04:26:12 PM
Not as much about isolation, but about ... something else that I can't think of a name for right now..
I think the word is
shame, joyful. I was nodding my head all through your post, and I know most of my life has been shame.
Candid-- You hit it right on. Shame is definitely the word. Shame of being different, that keeps us in fear of connecting with others.
Tea-- That is a great idea! I'm gonna try that. When i think of something I need I can recognize it instead of telling myself that needing things is bad, and then I can work to fulfill said need. Thank you so much!
Wife2-- The clothes and shoes that fit really hit me... I always had clothes and shoes technically, but had to wait til F or M noticed I desperately needed new ones... I feel like I heard "But we just barely got you [fill in the blank] last [however long ago it was]! you need new ones already?"
Thank you all for your responses :hug: