I will always remember that day. I felt trapped in my own life. There was a lot going on that wasn't healthy, physically or emotionally. I didn't see a way out of it.
I didn't really think about WAYS to end things, but the fact that it even crossed my mind set off alarms in my brain. THAT's not good, said my brain. Heart was angry and tired. Brain said, too bad! We'll figure this out! Heart cried. Brain said, that's it - time to make that phone call. And I called the national suicide hotline.
** And I couldn't get through! it was the early days of cell phones as home phones and the hotline wasn't designed for cell phone calls.
I dialed again. NO luck. Heart said - See? Brain said ' Shut up, we'll get this.' On the 2nd try, I got through. The very helpful lady on the other end got in touch with my best friend (freaking out, she was - she did NOT see this coming), who agreed to bring me to the hospital, so I wouldn't need an ambulance. She stayed on the line until SHE spoke with my friend proving that she was really there.
I can ONLY guess how fast she drove, but she crossed our town in a record 10 minutes. I was a little surprised there was no cop behind her! She drove (much safer) to the hospital and I told the doctors I had an ideation and that scared me.
No - I did not intend to self-harm. No - I did not want to harm others. No - I had no method in mind as I hadn't got 'that far' before calling for help. Still, ideation means a mandatory evaluation.
From that evening, I stayed three days/nights in a mental health facility. I met with the counselors. I found out my thyroid was out of whack. I took the meds they prescribed for that and for depression. I began to feel hope again.
Before I could leave, I had to set up an appointment with a therapist. That was one of the best decisions I made in the weeks before or after that night. The therapist helped me move forward in my life so very much!
I may have a long way to go, but I know I will make it. All because when I reached 'that place' I also reached out for help.
Anyone still reading this, please know that you matter to more people than you realize. Whenever you struggle, reach out to someone. If it's that bad of a day, be honest with whomever you do talk to. Don't sugarcoat it. Bad days are bad days, we all have them and real friends WANT to help. They just can't read your mind to know just how hard you're struggling.
I shocked a lot of people when I took my 'three day vacation'. I tease about it now because, as dark as it was that day, it was also the beginning of good returning to my life. That day was my reset button. I'd have preferred to go about it a different way, but lots of good did happen. Not the least of which was finding a good therapist.
Take heart. Even if you think you are all alone, there is someone in this world who cares about you and wants to help you. Reach out. If you don't know who that person is - call the hotline. You'll find out they are really staffed by caring people. :hug: YOU ARE WORTH IT!
:hug:
This is a lovely message Wife#2. It is generous of you to write it.
So many of us find it so hard to reach out and to believe that anyone really cares.
Thank you for sharing this.
Thank you so much for this, Wife ♡♡♡♡♡♡♡
Count me as one who didn't have a friend in the universe. I didn't seem destined for them, despite a ton of acquaintances over many years; but in quick, over and out was always the pattern. I did, though, manage to finally become quite close with 4, despite my own notion of low self-worth. But these 4 persisted, and my own resistance loosened; maybe I really did deserve a part in their love, I thought...then... they all died within months of each other. I'd heard things like listen for what the universe is telling you. And then that happens? My fragile sense of self-worth plummeted from 'I might be okay' back to rock bottom.
Okay, that was around 3 years ago now. Nary a friend since; then late last summer the desperate loneliness rose again to peak levels...my therapist provided my first safe haven, but soon other messages started showing up. Quite literal messages that I was indeed 'someone', that I meant a lot and had affected many more. One of these messages was extraordinarily special in how it came to me and what it said, but it did. Instead of a void, I'm realizing that maybe I do have a place here, that even when I didn't notice that I meant anything to anyone, others stepped in and made it clear that I'd played a positive role in their lives.
So Wife#2's message now resonates strongly, as I've been on that mountain of despair, as others here have; I thought I had every reason to not continue, now I see that I did play a role in many people's lives, a role that others have told me point blank is a worthy one (most of whom had, and have, no idea of my s ideations). I didn't see this for a long time, but now I do.
So thanks again, Wife#2, for pointing to the value of life, even when it all seems so dark.
Woodsgnome :hug:
I agree with radical, wife#2: It was generous of you to revisit your experience in order to share it with us.
Quote from: woodsgnome on April 06, 2017, 01:56:20 AM
Count me as one who didn't have a friend in the universe. I didn't seem destined for them, despite a ton of acquaintances over many years; but in quick, over and out was always the pattern.
That's been the way for me, too. I'm so sorry your four
good friends all died. I too have had good friends die, my bestie when we were both 19 (suicide) and my two surrogate mothers of old age. I keep meaning to make a journal page honouring all the people who've shown me love, for those days when distress is all I have.
QuoteI'm realizing that maybe I do have a place here, that even when I didn't notice that I meant anything to anyone, others stepped in and made it clear that I'd played a positive role in their lives.
I envy that! Even the world of work seems to have turned its back on me.
Quote from: Wife#2 on April 05, 2017, 07:27:47 PM
I will always remember that day. I felt trapped in my own life. There was a lot going on that wasn't healthy, physically or emotionally. I didn't see a way out of it.
I'm in that space now. I have SI most days.
Quoteideation means a mandatory evaluation.
Interesting. I didn't know that. The few times I've shown up in ER they've established that I have no intent and sent me home. On one occasion I was there all night waiting for the psychiatrist to show up at 9am. What did he do? Told me angrily: "We have to do something about you, because you
can behave like a lady and then you start shouting." And strong-armed me to the door because I'd reacted badly to the question: "Why do you think you were the family scapegoat?" Zero relief offered.
QuoteBefore I could leave, I had to set up an appointment with a therapist.
That would have helped! I've been on the waiting list for trauma therapy for a couple of months now, and nothing's shifting.
QuoteAnyone still reading this, please know that you matter to more people than you realize. Whenever you struggle, reach out to someone. If it's that bad of a day, be honest with whomever you do talk to. Don't sugarcoat it.
I have a problem with this. I know I matter to my H, and I have a couple of friends with whom I have email contact, but the only people who 'get' it are here on the forum. With SI most days, I've told H a score of times that I want to be dead. On one occasion he asked whether I wanted to go to the hospital; I said no. Without intent, which I've never had, it feels like I'm trying to blackmail someone into solving problems I can't solve myself. Causing trouble again, which is what mother always accused me of.
Sorry to be a downer on a generally upbeat thread. I think there
must be hope ahead; I just hope I find it soon.
Candid - you're reaching out! That's wonderful! You keep posting, downer or not, you just keep posting! THANK YOU FOR CONTINUING TO POST!
Can I be 'Candid' with you? You have an amazing ability to see through the crap right to the heart of the matter. My husband calls folks like you - straight shooters - and gives them the highest respect he has. I've learned to reject the pretty-words crowd for folks like you. If I could, I'd pack my world full of such people as you are, because you are genuine.
I know I can't fix anything, but I do want to let you know that I'm glad when I see your icon in the list of responders. In short - YOU MATTER, WOMAN! At least to me. To many others, here, too.
The state where I live, and the hospital system I prefer in town, have pretty straightforward rules that - fortunately - the hospital staff follow. Yes, ideation alone was enough to get me admitted. I was counted as a self-admit rather than a committed patient. This may sound harsh, but it always helps to have good insurance when dealing with the mental health world of medicine. It may have helped that my insurance at the time would pay for three-day in-house facility if ordered by a doctor. The attending doctor asked me if I wanted to be admitted and I answered, 'Yes.' I knew what my insurance would cover by the time I was at the ER.
In my mind, it would give me a three day break from dealing with all the real-life troubles. Of course, it didn't work out that way. I had to dig deeper into all of it before they'd consider releasing me. Nobody ends up in-patient because life is roses.
These words, my mother told me about HER stay as an in-patient, have always rung true. I'm going to tell you what Mom said, then how they could be modified for you, Candid.
Doctor: We think it's time to release you now.
Mom: What?
Doctor: You're not having SI anymore. It's time.
Mom: But you haven't taught me how to cope yet. You're sending me straight back into the situation that landed me here in the first place!
Doctor: Since you haven't got a plan, we're sending you home.
Candid: Where I can brood until I *DO* have a plan? Please, call to find a facility taking patients. If you won't order it, will you at least not step in my way?
I'm trying to think of anything to encourage you, Candid. You are so worthy of caring people around you, loving on you, telling you that you matter and have made a difference. I know I feel that way, which is why I typed it.
Quote from: Wife#2 on April 06, 2017, 01:46:16 PMBut you haven't taught me how to cope yet. You're sending me straight back into the situation that landed me here in the first place!
That's just it, isn't it? I fictionalised my first experience in the nuthouse and that was pretty much what the protagonist said.
QuoteI'm trying to think of anything to encourage you, Candid.
Thank you, I really do appreciate it. I just wish I could glimpse the possibility of a sniff of happiness ahead. Presently all is darkness.
Just wanted to say thank you SOOOO much for this Wife2 :hug:
I just believe that we all need to see that there can be better days.
After that 'vacation' was one of the few times my oldest sister allowed herself to be around our mother - for my sake. She knew I shouldn't be home alone (and I was alone for certain) so I would choose to be with Mom. She met me there.
We cried, we talked, we cried some more. She watched her words around Mom, but made it clear to me that she understood. She'd been there, too, and survived. Her main message to me during that visit was to be easy with myself. That I do deserve love and sometimes that comes from learning to love yourself.
Somehow, oldest sis telling me about HER struggles didn't feel like some kind of attention competition, it felt like heart sharing and total empathy. Yet, when Mom shared HER experience, it felt like competition. It was for that very reason oldest sister had come. She knew I didn't need scar comparisons, I needed compassion and empathy and love and more love. She also knows our mother enough to know Mom wouldn't/couldn't be a source for that.
Candid - I think of you every day now. I'm hoping you read this. I'm hoping you see that many of us care about you. I'm hoping that your husband has helped you survive one more night and one more day. Because the world would be a dimmer place without you.
I've lost so many people I have loved. There were days when I stared at the loneliness and pain of those losses. Then, I feel the need to celebrate that they lived and shared their lives with me. Some days, I have to make the effort to drag myself out of the pit and put their pictures in front of me and remember that they didn't choose to die. And while they lived, THEY LIVED! As much as each of them loved me, they would want my life to be moving in a good direction. I can't live 'for them', but I can choose to honor them with positive choices, following their wise words spoken into my life.
Others, like you, Candid, are still with me. I celebrate you while you live! No, we may not have each other's phone numbers or be pen pals, but I do hope to call you friend. I do care that you are here. If I am ever able to help you, that will be a joyous day indeed.
My oldest sister lives by a principle I can't often duplicate, but I like making the effort and I'm glad you all helped me bring it back to my mind: The universe is pretty mindless, but it has lots of energy. Try to send into it positive energy - you're more likely to get positive energy back from the universe. Yeah, I know, pretty 'new age' and could be used to hurt if phrased wrong. BUT, I do say that becoming conscious of what energy I'm choosing to emit IS helpful in day-to-day junk. In that spirit .... here is a :bighug: to any who've read this far and need a hug. YOU MATTER TO SOMEONE - ME!
Thank you, Wife#2. I am honoured to be your friend.
wife2, so glad you called. i think that being committed for si might be different in different countries/areas. this was a beautiful thread you began. thanks for sharing your experience, your lovely thoughts and well wishes. you are a gem.
candid, i put my hat in your ring, too. you matter a great deal to me, and to others here, i'm sure. so supportive, always, even while in the depths. that's quite a heart you have, my dear! it deserves to keep beating. here's another :bighug: from me, given with true affection. you are one of my family here!
Wife2 thank you for such a wonderful post. It is very amazing you share your story with such hope, it is really encouraging to read.
Candid, I have not been on here long but I have seen nothing but kindness and true caring from you. I too care that you are here and hope that I and this forum can help you in anyway possible. I hope your husband has been a help as well. Here is a very warm and well meaning :bighug:
Thank you, San and Elphanigh. Feeling very blah right now and the only relief is coming here to my FOC.
:hug: :hug:
relief away, my dear. we're here with you. :hug: back atcha.
Surrounding all of my responding friends here, new and established, with the gentle, soft light of comfort and peace. This light is gentle, yet it shines on the shadowy places, removing some of the fear that was hiding there. Once all are feeling the comfort of friendship and the peace of love, I will send you the next round:
The brighter lights of energy and confidence. Each and every one of you deserve these in abundance. We may have to work our ways up to these, but the are there, waiting for us. We ARE worth the effort to reach them. Energy is to complete the tasks that may seem impossible right now:
Getting out of bed
Holding a complete thought
Comforting ourselves
Tackling that monster if you're ready for that stage.
I've never been a big fan of yoga (triggers hide in that word for me), but I certainly embrace the slow, intentional, mindful and selfishly-self-preserving power of breathing. I learned about breathing in yoga and that was one part I'm glad I learned. Together, now: Inhale slowly. As you feel the wind enter your lungs, feel the breeze of love and worthiness sweep away the cobwebs of doubt and fear from EVERY corner of your lungs. Now, slowly, breathe those unhealthy emotions and all the other toxins that have built up in your life, like so much carbon monoxide built up in your lungs, and slowly push them out. Not too fast, like dust particles when you're sweeping, they can billow away from the dustpan target if you go to fast. There - just. like. that. Repeat until feeling refreshed.
:hug: and lots of love, warmth, comfort and peace to you.
you are so beautiful!
That was a nice, simple meditation, Wife#2. I could feel other members around me as you talked me through it. Thank you!
I wonder if there is a holding-hands-chain-of-emojis emoji out there?
Emoji or not, I love the image in my mind of all of us standing in a circle, holding hands. One by one, we take our turns in the center. While in the center, we get to hear ALL the wonderful things about ourselves that these other folks have come to know us have uncovered. NO exaggeration allowed, so that we can KNOW that these are genuine observations. Hmmm, I may start a new thread for that - under healing maybe?
We are here together, struggling with this beast of cPTSD together. We didn't volunteer for this duty, but we're doing the best we can in THIS moment. Together, we are doing amazing things - we are finding our ways. Some how, we can pull together and make a difference for others as we make a difference for ourselves as well. Some days, just getting out of bed has to be enough because it's all we can do. I celebrate each an every one of you who've chosen life today. Thank you. I'd miss you otherwise. :hug: :hug: :bighug: :hug: :hug:
i've done your breathing exercise several times now, wife2, and it resulted in long yawns. didn't i read somewhere that yawning like that is a release of some kind of tension or neg. energy? anyway, that's what i'm choosing to believe, and it's been really helpful. thank you!
a circle of revelation and truth. what a glorious idea! to hear that from others, simply be inundated with it, would be intense. i know i would crumple and cry under the sheer majesty of it. you are a fount of wonder and wisdom. everything good back atcha, my dear friend. love and a big hug!
Not too wise - just good memory sometimes. I totally stole that idea from a tv movie I saw years ago. Anyway, a child was suffering and lonely. The teacher noticed. She'd also noticed some bullying and cruel teasing of that child. She decided to make a difference. She had every child take a piece of paper and write his or her name on it. Then, they passed the paper around until everyone had a chance to write something on it about that child. It had to be good. It had to be true. Then, each child received their own paper back.
Years later, the child had become a successful adult. He went back to visit the teacher, because she was ill, dying in fact. He told her what a difference she'd made in his life. He pulled out of his wallet that piece of paper with childish handwriting on it. He showed her that he'd kept that little paper. As had every student from that class.
Sometimes, just knowing that there are people in the world who think you are smart, beautiful, kind, generous, funny, witty, have a great laugh, have sparkly eyes... whatever it is about you that makes you YOU to them, can help us get through those bad days and to the better days.
a great story. your wisdom comes from being able to apply these things to real life in a real way. not everyone can do that. thank you again, for being you. i appreciate you very much. big hug, dear friend.
BIG hug to you, too, Sanmagic7. Thank you for being in my life. It is a better place with you here.
* TRIGGER WARNING*
Wife#2, what a lovely story about the teacher who turned a child's life around. Conversely, there's Cipher in the Snow, http://www.michellewatt-educator.com/uploads/1/3/6/8/13680691/cipher_in_the_snow.pdf. Every primary school teacher should read it.
That story was so sad, I was crying by the end.... Please add a trigger warning to your post.
**** Possible Trigger Warning - self-esteem issues ****
I was that child in some ways. I had to make worth for myself, I wasn't finding it from my FOO. I had to decide on my own that I had value. My teachers didn't send me down the 'broken' path, but the 'fails to meet potential' path stings sometimes, too. Still, I thought I was doing pretty good with a father absent more than he was present and a mother who had lost all interest in PTA or involvement in this child's life. The sting of knowing Mom did those things for the older ones, but had given up when it was my turn. Yeah. Well, I had to decide I wasn't nothing all on my own.
Like the teacher in that story, I get angry when I see this society so quick to slap on labels, then never allow that child emerge from that label. It's lazy. It's reckless. It's abusive. No, I'm not so foolish as to believe that teachers, administrators, counselors and staff at schools have time to get to know each student. So, it's the high achievers and the squeaky wheels that get the attention.
I worry for my son, who is gaining a reputation in 3rd grade as a difficult, emotional child. They're trying to slap labels on him and I'm fighting tooth-and-nail any attempt to do that. By institution standards, he's 'too emotional'. By my husband's standards he's 'too emotional'. By my standards, he's sensitive compared to most boys and needs better coping skills for when he gets overwhelmed.
My son may still require therapy and the loving support of friends away from his FOO. But, I don't ever want him to hurt like I described at the top of this thread. I want him to know that there is ALWAYS hope. Sometimes, we have to find it within ourselves. Sometimes we have to reach out to find it. But, it's always there. Getting to the hopeful place may hurt and piss us off, but it's still worth getting there.
Quote from: Wife#2 on April 21, 2017, 01:46:52 PM
I had to decide on my own that I had value. My teachers didn't send me down the 'broken' path, but the 'fails to meet potential' path stings sometimes, too.
Yes. I got called "big head" when I brought home an A, and groaned at with all the "Candid is lazy" or "Candid could do much better" comments. I always did well in school without putting myself out too much, and there was no payoff for doing better.
QuoteThe sting of knowing Mom did those things for the older ones, but had given up when it was my turn. Yeah. Well, I had to decide I wasn't nothing all on my own.
I did, too. I certainly got the impression that when my parents went to open nights, they spent more time looking at my best friend's work than at mine. Usually she was top of the class and I was second, and quite happy with that. Parents wanted to know why I couldn't be more like her.
Years later I told mother: "[Best friend] is such a little lady. She's still at [school]." Mother immediately retorted: "[Best friend] would have been a lady whatever school she went to. And you would have been... what you are." I was stunned into silence by that. Really.
Then I learned that [best friend] had committed suicide in her first year at university. It was mother's turn to be silent. Not a word of comfort for me from her or Dad.
I think there's hope in the Cipher story, in that one teacher vowed to be alert in future and the story -- a very old one -- is still so often cited. Trouble is, a scapegoat or cipher at home is highly likely to become a scapegoat or cipher at school as well. And shunned or bullied all through life.
I'm glad you're able to stand by your son in the face of what teachers and H are saying. He needs to be appreciated and validated for his sensitivity. I've noticed that
people people are often the most popular in the workplace, the ones everyone wants to talk to regardless of work standards. (Not saying your son isn't 'making it' at school.)
QuoteGetting to the hopeful place may hurt and piss us off...
Mmm, I seem to be still in a holding pattern on that score.