Hi all,
I've come to this site from OOTF. I wanted to share part of my story in the hope that some of you may be able to offer some tools for healing.
I'm the scapegoat eldest daughter of an uBPD mother and an enFather. I've experienced and witnessed all kinds of emotional abuse over the years. None of it especially bad, but subtle, damaging and cumulative. Money was their weapon of choice and they withdrew financial and emotional support when I was 18 as a means of attempting to gain control. They are very comfortable and have taunted me ever since with carrot and stick offers of money. I've never been able to turn to them for help, and when I have I've been kicked in the face.
Growing up their house was like growing up in a war zone. Constant fighting, arguing, slammed doors, screeching tires. My mother would then fling herself on her bed and sob for hours. Days of silence. Constant talk of divorce. When I asked if I could help her, she'd shun or belittle me. It was never discussed afterwards and everything was papered over until the next time. I learned to "put on my happy face" whenever I left the house. When I became a teenager, I became the target of her verbal abuse and emotional manipulation. I was made to feel like I was a bad, ungrateful, unworthy person who "needed to change my attitude". He didn't protect me, but kicked me out of home instead to keep the peace.
About the same time (age 18), I fell in love. He was a beautiful man, my soulmate and he loved me unconditionally. We were together for seven years but I broke it off because I wanted to see the world and meet other men. I never really contemplated us not being together. But of course he was devastated and by the time i was ready to come back, he had (very understandably) moved on with a woman he eventually married.
I've never really gotten over that relationship and never really had another partner. That was 15 years ago. I think what happened is because I had no proper attachment to my mother (anxious/avoidant), I attached to him instead. When I went back to him as my safe haven, after exploring the world and seeing it held no greener grass, he was not there for me. I was shattered. My devastation went well beyond the breakdown of a relationship and my soul still aches.
I'm now NC with my parents and have been VLC at various times. I abuse alcohol and have done for years. I'm very interested in the posts I've read on self-soothing and replacing the mother with the bottle - really makes sense to me.
Anyway, thanks for reading. I'd love your wise thoughts.
BDD
Hi blackduckdiva,
I am also the scapegoat of a narc parent. And the emotional abuse I suffered was what I considered not really that bad. Coming out of the fog I now realize that the abuse was THAT BAD. I think minimizing is normal though. I am sorry that you feel so bad about letting your former partner go. It seems as though you are blaming and berating yourself over it. I think of situations in my life where I have berated myself. Its a pattern of not being self-compassionate and forgiving of our selves. You may have had very valid reasons for leaving that relationship. You may need some help with processing why you are blaming yourself.
I too struggle with using alcohol as a method of self soothing. My therapist told me yesterday that I must attend to that inner child that still thinks she is to blame for all of the family dysfunction.
I also know about not being able to turn to my family in times of need. After college I didn't have a car and asked my Dad for a loan. He gave it to me but used it against me for a long time as evidence of my selfish, arrogant, self-serving, needy self. Money in dysfunctional families is a very messy thing.
I am probably not the best person to help with alternative ways of self-soothing since I am still using alcohol-although a lot less than I was. I am looking forward to hearing responses of other people to this question.
I am glad you came and shared your story. You are definitely not alone.
Welcome here too, :heythere:
I'm the family scapegoat too and I suffered a lot of emotional abuse. I downplayed it for years - I was well-taught by FOO to do so. But no, it really was bad. And as you say, cumulative.
I'm sorry that you still carry so much pain.
I don't have any quick fixes for you, unfortunately, but if you read around our posts on here, you'll surely gain some insights. I sometimes read on OOTF but I can get triggered there or feel very foggy. Whereas here other posters' posts don't fog me out and I'm usually pretty clear in my head. I hope you find OOTS a useful community in addition to OOTF as well.
Thanks both, it felt empowering just to post. Not many people would understand.
Best wishes BDD
There is hope for sure ..
thank u for posting BDD
Self soothing is a big one for us .. I'm 7 yrs clean and sober (AA ) and getting abstinence for eating disorder ...
With all that stuff down I began to naturally self sooth myself , that kind voice came to me just this yr