I was never welcome in my mothers house, she would often treat me as a squatter that had to go asap even though she hated it when I tried to become independent.
Routine was never a part of our family life and now at 30 I still struggle with routine and feeling at home in my own apartment.
I always thought I never wanted a family of my own since I feel like I couldn't handle it but as I am resolving some old stuff I actually find that wanting a family is one of my biggest wishes really.
Maybe I could handle it in the future?
The mere idea is mind blowing to me.
I always thought that I was no good at the whole "relationship thing" since I've often gotten restless and pulled away from people but as I am resolving my past I realize that it wasn't all my fault that everyone left me.
Today I still struggle to claim my space in my new, bigger, apartment that I recently moved to.
I have moved in and out from boyfriends apartments and they always threw my things away to make space for their nice things, so I don't have all the nice furniture you could expect of a 30 year old and this fills me with shame.
I want to have a really nice place before I invite people so I rarely invite anyone.
Right now I am saving money like crazy to buy new and nice furniture but my salary is very low.
I realize that I have to think about my worth as an employee as well, If I can resolve my stress problems that are connected to learning new things and being in new places maybe I can become a valued employee with confidence!
I read a little bit from my CPTSD- bible by Pete Walker every day, from only seeing darkness in my future there is actually hope!
Hi, Hurtbeat,
Boy I can really relate to your feelings about your own place. I am older now, but I remember feeling that others I knew had nicer, or more established things, and even owned homes (something that never occurred to me I could do until much much later). I always thought I liked moving around a lot, vagabond, nothing holding me down. Which was true. But I secretly felt unworthy.
Now that I'm older, I have owned a home, have saved up for nicer "grown up" furniture, car, etc. and I have since sold my home and most things, and live in a tiny place with simple, used items from Craigslist. And feel just fine! They are still nice things. I don't have space to invite more than one or two people for a simple dinner. I like living minimally and have discovered I am doing it for myself. I think the key to any of it is get to the bottom of what is truly "you" and feel good about doing things your own way, whether or not they match societal norms. If they do, that's ok too! DOn't feel bad about making your own way and style, even if it's nothing like you thought.
Thanks for your thoughts, Phoebes! It means a lot.
I am actually quite content with small space living just like you and could suffice with a smaller place but I have 3 cats so I had to think about them too.
Also this new neighbourhood is way more secure and calm than my last nightmare place in the ghetto.
And now I have a small patio ("garden") that I always wanted :) I am planning on using it as therapy and hope I can transform it to my own little piece of heaven.
The cats will love it too!
The living room is the "worst" place, my couches are too small but if I were to buy new ones at a flea market then I would need someone to transport them and I don't like relying on others for help like that.
I'd much rather order home service from Ikea or something.
And I want big, comfortable couches and a big TV with some games so that I can watch movies and play games with people.
Right now it's a pretty soul- less room with bare walls and the couches look too small for the size of the room.
I don't know, it's just such a hassle buying furniture without a car.
I have tried getting my drivers license but people who promised to help me co- drive always bailed on me so I gave up on it.
It makes me realize how important it would be to have a drivers license and a car, my freedom would increase and I wouldn't have to depend on others so much.
Your space sounds amazing! Your little sanctuary. I'm a big fan of Ikea, and the price is right!
I can really relate to your not welcome in your mom's house. It was more like I was "company", welcome for a short time, and my things being in t he house became an imposition on her after a couple of days. I had a small number of momentos in my old lost still, on the top shelf, and she hounded me to take them out for a while. I didn't have space for them at the time, so she threw them out. I didn't realize at the time, but other parents like to keep such things about their kids, even when grown. Who knew?
One thing my new therapist told me recently was that we Narc abuse survivors/people with C-PTSD tend to "never grow up" because our natural stages of development were stunted at every turn. Not allowed to develop. I don't know if you relate to this, but looking back, I sure do! But then again, I've also come to believe that we can pick up at any time and start developing an authentic self. No need to "act like a 50 year old" whatever that would be..lol.
It sounds like you are on the right path, the right age and would be a wonderful parent because you have the insight and ability to reflect, and not want to treat your offspring the way you were treated. You would come into parenthood quite enlightened I would think! :hug:
Aww, thank you so much! :hug:
And I'm so sorry to hear that your mementos got thrown out!
Mine are locked up in my mothers garage, when my sister was tending to her house while mom was on vacation I snuck in there and stole back some photo albums of me as a child.
I keep the few mementos I have close, even though my family is a disaster I think it's important to know about your own history.
There are still many things I'd like to know that no one wants to talk to me about, like my father who died when I was a toddler.
But I guess I'll never know much about him and that the people who knew him will take their memories of him to their grave.
Yes I agree that some of my development was arrested, it was hard to become independent with a partially engulfing mother who undermined any attempt to stand on my own two feet.
I am doing my best now to dissect the things I need to work on and see how I can approach things differently.
Sometimes I talk to my younger sister about my traumas but I realized today that I shouldn't, she will always take the role of the mediator and thereby undermining my experience.
And I was terrible towards her when we were children so most of her trauma probably comes from me, which has also been rough for me to get over.
I have however apologized to my sisters and now I just want to focus on resolving my own traumas and connect with my anger.
I think that is a healthy sounding perspective!
I wonder if other people who knew your dad, outside of the family, could give you insight. There must be a way to know something.
If they do then I don't know them.
He was secretly gay and I think that if he had any friends that accepted him then they are probably long gone by now, the 80's was not a good time for gay people :(
I had no idea that he was gay but found out by accident, I wish my mom would have told me but I guess she thought it would reflect badly on her.
He committed suicide and that is also something that makes people go silent for some reason, my father has become "he who must not be named".
Today my heart goes out to him, I'd rather have him alive and gay (or trans, as he might have been trans).
To continue my journal:
I went outside yesterday amongst people and noticed how self conscious I was and how my inner critic were screaming at me about my looks and my behaviour.
When I go shopping I sometimes feel like I have to do my best not to seem suspicious and show people that I'm not stealing anything, this makes me look suspicious and I often get followed by security guards.
It's been a while since I've been out in the sun altogether since I work the night shift so the world seemed strange and I think I felt derealisation creeping up on me.
Anyway, I managed to shop for a small gift for the christening of my friends child on Saturday.
When I go to the christening I will meet my ex and his family for the first time in ages, I expect it will be awkward but hopefully I can just breathe through it like I used to when I worked as a waitress and had stage fright.
I would just empty my mind and do whatever it was I had to do, like a robot.
Fake it til you make it I guess!
I feel my stomach tightening as I'm writing about this, no wonder I have digestive problems!
I've been trying to fill my time off work with household chores.
I work 5 nights and then have 5 off, usually I'll just slip into a timeless dissociation and not really do anything but now I'll try and make breakfast, lunch and dinner and also clean a bit every day.
It'll be fun "playing house" and "acting normal".
That's kind of how it feels anyway.
I want to have a cozy home with home baked bread and candle lights like how it is on tv.
"Identity confusion – for example, behaving in a way that the person would normally find offensive or abhorrent."
I read this here as one of the symptoms of dissociation: https://www.healingfromcomplextraumaandptsd.com/dissociation
That really stood out to me, some times I find it hard to know my core values.
Opinions can differ depending on how safe I feel.
If something makes me feel unsafe I can become really rigid and judgemental but at other times I can joke about anything, I'll even be offensive at times.
And I always had a feeling that I could never say: "That's something I'd never do" because I've proved myself wrong time and time again.
From being an anti smoker to smoking and whatever it may be.
I never thought of it as a dissociative trait though, I never really felt like I've had problems with depersonalisation even though I experience derealisation a lot.
Right now feeling angry at psychologists who wouldn't take me seriously when I tried to express what dissociation did to me.
To them my dissociation wasn't bad enough because they couldn't see it.
I need to meet with someone who understands.
Also kinda happy to find validation that the things I experience is dissociation.
I feel strongly connected with other people who dissociate and also people with DID (even though I don't suffer from DID)
I think that the reason it's so hard to find my words when I talk to psychologists is because I harbour the feelings of a child who is too young to have found the right words yet.
How could she describe all of the complex feelings and events that happened?
She is too young, she makes me forget words and only speak in simple ways.
I think she needs child therapy.
Thinking a lot about the body today and how to be present in it despite everything that's stored in it.
Life still goes on and we can't put it on hold until we have healed completely, it goes on here and now.
Hot and cold flashes takes over some times when experiencing EF, I remember feeling very cold as a child when I was scared or after being physically abused.
It's hard to inhabit my whole body.
I guess that's why it's so hard to exercise, it forces me to feel the flesh prison that my mind has been escaping from and feeling how heavy and lazy it is.
In my mind I sometimes go back to that skinny child who used to run like a wild horse, she was in flight mode most of the time and always ready to jump up and run.
Wind flowing through her long hair.
I look in the mirror a lot to see what I feel and remember what I look like, it's so easy to forget.
My adult body is tired a lot.
As I go back in time through flashbacks time seems endless and time travelling doesn't seem that impossible.
I am all of what happened to me and I inhabit all of my bodies as children and adults.
Right now my back pain is telling me to lie down, I haven't done anything to feel more comfortable.
I try to remind myself that it is allowed to take action in order to feel more comfortable.
Today I was watching an episode of the Spartan life coach and Richard mentioned: "sexy taboo"
It made me think of everything I've been pursuing in my life, it was all a sexy taboo (something I shouldn't do but did anyway) or something out of my reach or out of my league.
I figured that I wasn't able to learn to deal with problems as a small child and my success was never celebrated so the only thing I could do was dream.
It makes me sad that the bridge between me and success was never built and that I had to stand on the other cliff, wishing but never achieving.
I did achieve something since coming to this forum again though.
I have a word document on my laptop where I write down everything that makes me mad or sad every day.
It helps me cope with my pent up anxiety and helps me clarify my thoughts, sometimes I just write whatever pops into my head and make new insights through freestyle writing.
It has helped me a lot, my chest pain is not that severe any more now that I write down my feelings again like I used to.
This time it's not in a blog where I become concerned about other people judging me, it's just for me and that's fine.
I'm having some thoughts about my social anxiety that I thought that I got rid of, it turns out I've managed it by partly shutting off my emotions and faking it.
I have a job as a receptionist where I meed and talk with new people but at the same time I am very lonely and I find strange people threatening.
Especially since my best friend turned out to be a lying narc, I feel like I've "slipped back" into social anxiety but I wonder If I actually "slipped back" or always had this within me.
The latter is probably true, it never really got resolved and would leak out in different ways as contempt for others or nervous behaviours...
I was bullied a lot as a child and had no way of defending myself because all of my defences were violently broken down.
When I see confident people I envy how comfortable they seem to feel and how they just assume that they are welcome and are allowed to take up space.
I didn't realize how big this issue actually is for me but it is the number one reason I am alone.
I actually long for connection but I am just too scared and it feels painful but I am also relieved that I've been starting to figure out my map of reality and connecting with it.
I'm sorry to hear about your anxiety, and your ex friend. Whatever went down might have exasperated it, and understandably so. Making genuine connections with people is so hard when you were brought up thinking you were unsafe and unwanted wherever you went. I hope you find some way to ease the anxiety. You aren't alone here. Take care <3
hey, hurtbeat,
you may be onto something when you talked about needing child therapy, how your words are simplistic and childlike and it's difficult to explain things cuz you don't have the grown-up words for them. have you talked to your t about this? i think it would be worth bringing up. it makes a whole lot of sense to me.
i'm really glad you're working at being more present in your body, using your word processor to write about you and your feelings. plus, it sounds like you're getting results if chest pains are lessening. what a great idea.
and, maybe that's a connection for your therapy. could you write about how you're feeling from one session to the next? maybe the adult you can translate those child words for you, and you can take that in to your next session. just a thought. i know that several people have posted about writing things out to bring to their sessions, cuz they either have a hard time remembering what they want to talk about, or they're not able to get it out during the session itself.
i know writing has helped clarify a lot for me, allowed me to realize things that just thinking about never brought up. keep it up. i hope your anxiety continues to diminish. hugs to you.
Thank you Downsideup :hug:
Making lot of progression here through changing thought patterns, now realizing the depths of my social anxiety is another victory as I see it. It makes it all the more "fixable" now ;)
Sanmagic:
I have yet to meet with a therapist, there will most likely be a long line to wait in before I get to see someone and begin to tell my story but at least I have set the wheels in motion.
I agree that it's a good idea to write things down, I do my best to write a little every day and listen to talks about CPTSD on youtube.
It could be possible that the things I couldn't say will be said after I start seeing things more clearly or maybe they come from a time when I didn't have a language and only felt confused.
i think that the words you need will be there when you need them to be there. one exercise that some people have used is writing with your non-dominant hand. for some reason it accesses those child parts in the brain and brings them to the fore. just a suggestion.
i'm just so glad you're moving forward. one more victory to celebrate. that's the best news! with you all the way.
Interesting Sanmagic!
I'll try that next time I'm off work :)
I'm doing my best not to fall back into old patterns now, I tend to get really excited sometimes and then feel like I'm done and not continue with it as a journey.
My mum used to be that way and I don't want to be like her.
Thanks again for your support! :hug:
As a result of being happy I fell down into an EF, as is tradition after feeling really good about my life.
I think this is one of my core issues and it stems from my mother who wouldn't let me feel happy and confident, she needed me to feel the way she felt and my EF stems from suppressed rage.
I think she had a lot of rage in her as well and I know for a fact that my grandmother treated her the same way as she was jealous of other women (even relatives) and had to be the centre of attention (or rather: "the victim").
My biggest breakthrough was realizing that this does not define who I am but rather a sickness that has taken over me.
It makes me understand how I sometimes shift opinions about life and things in general and why I've been so grumpy and boring and aggressive towards people.
I genuinely thought that my weirdness and opinions that I don't relate to when I feel good was part of my personality and I've felt bad about not being consistent in how I act and feel.
These internal panic attacks makes me into a person I don't want to be and it brings on all the judgement that I had to endure in my childhood and makes me pass it on to others.
Now that I see this as an EF I have so much more compassion for myself and also for my mother even though I still find it sad that she was so manipulative and would never apologize or be wrong.
I think she tried to communicate her feelings through me and use me as a vessel so in a sense I am still her "tool" until I'm free from my CPTSD and learn different ways to cope.
Somehow this also awakens a fantasy in me that I will go back to her and save her.
I suppose that was her biggest wish all along and that this is the golden seed in the middle of that scary tentacle- plant that she grew inside of me as a child.
It's hard to focus on myself but I'll do my best and keep having NC with her even though I feel sorry that the idea of CPTSD wasn't available to her back in the days.
I'm not her saviour, I am my own sovereign state.
well done, hurtbeat, for staying nc.
i can't tell you how many times over how many years i'd attempted to 'save' my ex and my daughter. what i got for my efforts was more abuse and more pain from their hurtful ways toward me. i get that we don't want to see the people we care about hurting, either. the reality, tho, is that they do have to save themselves. it's not our job, no matter what we were taught or what we believed.
having to go nc with my daughter was the biggest heartbreak of my life. it's over 2 yrs. now, and she's still in my heart. that will never change. but, she's not in my life anymore, and i don't see that changing, either. she's another victim, and gets too much attention from staying in that role. so be it.
we're in this together, hurtbeat. big hug!
Indeed, I understand it must be tough to separate from your own child since you start of in a caring role to begin with but as you say: They must save themselves!
It's good to know that I couldn't save my mother even if I tried since I can't control her brain.
Maybe this sort of codependency where you want to save people and change them into a better version of themselves comes from a wish to control people?
Even controlling someone for their own good is control.
It's scary to just let people have control over their own life and just... trust them.
i agree with you that it's still control. as adults, we have a responsibility to children to guide them, protect them, teach them, etc., but that responsibility pretty much ends when they become adults. it was a difficult transition for me, to learn how to be a mom to an adult - it's such a different dynamic to let them go their own way.
as far as other adults go, i'm learning (really slowly at times) that it's important for me to ask them if they want any input from me, and to accept their answer, no matter what it is. unless, of course, they ask me for my thoughts/opinion on something. but, yeah, otherwise, we're not responsible for their choices.
part of what we're doing here is learning. another part is re-learning, hearing the lessons we need to continue to learn until they sink in and we begin having a new perspective. i guess that's why it's called a process - no straight lines, only curves and, at times, switchbacks.
it is scary. i've seen my daughter do so much harm to herself and others - same with my ex. i have no faith in them that there will be change made for the better, which is why i have to stay away. i don't trust them, which is also why i stay away. i have had to completely let go and let the powers of the universe watch over them and do what needs to be done. i sure can't. that's where my change of perspective came in - to realize and accept that they are beyond my power in every way. it was a real struggle to get to that point. i still wish it could be different. ugh! and grrrr!
i think the one i most have to trust is myself.
Quote from: sanmagic7 on March 11, 2017, 01:25:10 PM
I think the one i most have to trust is myself.
Yes, and also learn that we are lovable for just being us and not because we have to save someone. :hug:
amen!
Continuing my journal: I've been feeling a shift in reality, like when you try on someone else's glasses and things seem more close or far away.
It might have been a slight attack of derealisation but I can notice a different structure in my thought pattern.
I know that I'm also a bit impatient and I don't want to drive myself too far too soon, it surely takes time to alter ones map of reality and dig out new pathways in ones brain on which healthy thoughts can travel.
It feels good to notice a lack of weirdness every day, I can take a step back from my former behaviour and notice how I might seem odd to other people in a more nuanced way.
I feel more in touch with the human world again.
It's quite subtle yet noticeable at the same time.
I feel like I've started to grow up.
good for you, hurtbeat! you're right about cultivating patience with this. it's hard work for our brains to re-wire themselves, and they need some rest in order to keep moving forward with it.
i love the re-definition for yourself - i think it puts the whole thing in a much more positive light for ourselves. it really isn't us, just like any illness doesn't define us. it's simply a part of what we have to deal with in our lives.
sounds like you're moving forward, finding yourself. yay! big hug!
Thanks San :) hugs to you too!
I had a bigger setback these few days.
Got really triggered by the spartan life coach on youtube who has been a big inspiration to me with CPTSD since he is now promoting a Narcissist (Sam Vaknin) to help us heal.
Got really stressed and felt my heart pounding like crazy and had a major panic attack yesterday.
I called the emergency hospital in another city and have been prescribed some mild sedatives, they booked counselling for me in my town now.
The place where they booked counselling haven't been very helpful so far, they've usually dismissed me and told me that they only help people with "bigger problems than I have"...
But this doctor that I've met with seemed understanding and she told me she was going to write a well formulated referral.
Last time I was in contact with the psychiatric unit in my town I was in a phone call with the woman in charge of the unit.
We argued about my treatment and I mentioned that I always get referred to CBT and CBT is not enough for me, so what did she do? She referred me to CBT at the healthcare centre...
I hope to get some real help this time, one of my biggest issues are connected with bad confidence and self worth so I hope they won't dismiss me again.
i hope you get what you need this time, hurtbeat. i hate that dismissal crapola - it's so invalidating, like they think they know better than you what's going on with you. i've run into that too many times and i'm so sick of it! best to you with this - i'm glad you found a doc at least who will write you a decent referral. i hope that makes the difference for you. big hug.
Thanks again san!
We'll see how it goes, I'm not a fan of taking meds but at least I got that for now if I need it.
I'm guessing that my panic anxiety attacks could stem from my childhood and that they might have resurfaced now that I started to recognize my emotions through my EF's.
I still remember that time when I started having panic anxiety and my mother tried to hug me, as someone probably taught her that she was supposed to comfort her child.
But it just made me cry even more so she looked me straight in the eyes and told me to "get it together".
It made me stop crying and instead I became paralysed and quiet but I still felt everything on the inside.
And ever since I've had this sort of more or less stormy anxiety roaming free inside me.
I felt it yesterday again as I was going to bed and took a sedative pill against it but it felt wrong.
I wanted to let those feelings out of me even if it hurt and even if it filled me with self disgust and hate.
These are MY emotions, why should I not feel them?
Yet these are not my emotions, they are my mothers...
But I wonder if shutting them away will do any good?
Even when medicated I could still feel it inside me even though I couldn't cry and it reminded me of that time my mother forced me to stop expressing my feelings.
Though I know that this probably will take it's toll on my body, I feel chest pain again and rapid heartbeats after drinking coffee just now.
My heart hurts and I'm afraid that it will have a negative physical impact on my body.
Though I'm not really afraid of my anxiety, I've lived with it for such a long time now anyway and it always passes.
The only thing that worries me now is that it might affect my work negatively.
My work means a lot to me because I know that as long as I can pay for rent and food I know that I'll be safe, I'll have a home and my cats will have food.
If I don't have my home and my pets then I won't have anything left.
I'll hopefully get counselling very soon.
I feel a bit positive that I might be able to resolve my anxiety issues once and for all now that my anxiety has reached the surface but it all depends on the treatment that I'll get.
i can so relate, hurtbeat, to parents denying us our emotions. i ended up living too long doing that, and it really has affected my body in a lot of bad ways. now i'm scurrying around trying to get my body fixed as best as possible. i don't know if it's too late.
i'm only getting in touch with my emotions in the past few months. it's been horribly difficult, and is bringing out so much more stuff that's been shoved down.
if i may offer a perspective here on the emotions/messages you feel. i believe the emotions are yours, and you are allowed to feel them as they are. i believe the messages, however, of self-disgust and hate are inner critic and don't originate with you. i think they are messages you picked up in response to having your own, valid emotions.
it may be that your anxiety might have a tangle of these two areas fighting for dominance. that might be why it feels stormy inside you. just a thought. i think that even as you're working through this before you get into therapy, you're beginning to make headway. keep up the good work. you'll get there. :hug:
Thanks San!
My theory is that my anger and frustration that I was supposed to direct at my mother was directed the wrong way and that the only thing that needs to happen is to turn it straight back to her again.
I know that kids tend to blame themselves but I want to put the blame back where it belongs.
I feel like my anger is healthy and that there is a place for it somehow, I need it to be assertive.
i think your theory is spot on!
I woke up from a nightmare yesterday and had really bad anxiety all day, took 2 sedatives on different occasions and slept and ate irregularly until I lost track of time.
The nightmare was about people bullying me for misunderstanding and doing things wrong, it made me feel so stupid and worthless.
I think that I also flashbacked into how I felt after defending my honour at home and being beaten for acting "sassy" and "talking back". I remember my stepfather wouldn't quit until he could see my submissiveness and how quiet I became.
So I acted the same way towards my anxiety, I just let it take over because I was afraid that if I resisted it then it would attack me even further.
It became like some sort of a "Stockholm syndrome situation" where toxic shame kept me hostage and made me attack myself so that it wouldn't have to.
It's a sick and twisted game and it reminds me of the psychological thrillers called: "Saw" where people are caught in death traps and have to make difficult choices if they want to survive.
So if I want to live I have to give up everything I am.
And yet after giving up everything I am there's not much life left to live.
Hopefully I'll bounce back faster this time, I'll stop thinking bad things about myself for now because I know that I have a lot of mental issues to deal with.
Gotta be a little self compassionate towards myself since I am trying to do something good despite of everything.
QuoteSo if I want to live I have to give up everything I am.
Thats exactly how I think it went down when I was a child. With my father spewing his rage onto me but now allowing me to express any emotion. If you dare assert yourself you will not survive. I sometimes think my Dad is still in my head. His critical voice, his rage. I want this poison out of me; I want to stop directing that rage at myself.
Glad you are trying to be self-compassionate toward yourself. That is the key to healing.
Thanks Jd!
Sadly I haven't been able to get better, I'm still waiting for a psychologist to contact me but not much is happening.
Got a phone call scheduled for next week but I know the waiting cues are really long.
I'll probably tell them that I feel suicidal so that they'll help me faster, I really need this now but I hate contacting the system and having them fail me again and again just like my mother did.
I am still afraid to stand up against my anxiety because I always end up attacking myself and feeling even worse.
Things haven't been going great lately and the smallest issues brings me down so easily, self confidence is at it's lowest point again.
I keep having anxiety attacks now and again, that's when things get really, really bad.
Got a lot of anger turned against me that makes me want to destroy myself.
It's poisoning everything I am.
At least I know now that I can't put too much pressure or expectations on myself, I won't be able to live up to it anyway.
It comes as a relief to be able to allow myself to take a break from responsibilities as I often feel them weighing me down.
I know my mother had the same issue with responsibilities, she would often escape them and make excuses for me so that she wouldn't have to parent me into taking on responsibility.
The pattern keeps repeating itself.
I don't know how to adult.
It's the same careless mentality of addicts who go into things and make big promises when things feel good and then chicken out when things get tough.
But at least I know not to promise people anything, I don't want to bring anyone else down with me.
I've done that so much already and hate myself for it.
Won't go there again.
such an interesting statement, hurtbeat - i don't know how to adult.
yeah, if we didn't have healthy adult role models, how could we learn that skill? i guess that as adults, we have the freedom to do whatever we want, tempered by the consequences of the choices we make. pos. or neg. consequences. if we make healthy choices, we'll have healthy consequences, stuff like that.
so, the more pos. choices we make, the more pos. consequences we'll realize. that's the ideal, isn't it. the trick is to learn what are and how to make those healthy choices, and to accept that we won't be perfect at it. but, the more we can attain some sort of balance with how we live, i think, the more we'll live happily. something like that anyway!
i just heard about someone whose had some terrible bouts of anxiety, including panic attacks, and she told me that one of the best things she learned is to accept her anxiety rather than fighting it. she knows what it feels like, and just allows it, gives herself options (she sits in the end seat of a theater in case anxiety washes over her and she needs to leave. no blame, no shame. it's just something that happens sometimes. (she'd gone through all the negativity around being anxious, including isolating, not telling anyone, lots of shame, all that neg. crapola). with the acceptance, she goes with the flow, and has found that it happens less and doesn't last as long. she also knows that a panic attack lasts about 20 min., knows what it is, how it feels, and breathes through it. when she told me this, i thought it was rather an innovative way of looking at something that used to stop her from doing all kinds of things she'd done in the past.
good luck with getting to see someone to talk to. that waiting game can be such a drag. here's hoping you'll see someone soon. in the meantime, keep taking care of you as best you can. big hug.
Good advice, my anxiety were normal at times when I tried to fight it.
Then it would come at me like an alien force and strike me down with physical symptoms like most normal people experience it.
The way I live have made the anxiety a part of me and a part of my daily thoughts so that the physical pain has transformed from a foreign object into a bad personality trait.
I'm like a bad panic attack with a personality.
Instead of being overwhelmed by what seems to be an outer force I am overwhelming myself, just to be able to have control over the situation.
Sadly this makes me into a big child that is scared of everything and always expects the worst.
I tried to go to a group meeting for other victims of abuse but I was unable to find my way in time and ran around in the streets sobbing like a lost child.
I found my way 5 minutes late but I didn't go in since I was already sobbing and not in control over the situation.
Next time I'll be better prepared.
Sometimes I think of my friend who suffered terrible abuse growing up, she is now a mother and a wife and haven't had any flashbacks in a long time.
It's like her baby is forcing her to be the person she needs to be to take care of her family, I like that, it gives me hope.
I feel like I depend a lot on good role models in this god forsaken world full of narcs.
I welcome anything that can convince me that there is goodness in this world.
I tapped into my hatred yesterday, it felt good.
By hating the people that hurt me I am loving myself, I should hate them more often and hate myself less.
I figure hate can be a little bit like love, sometimes it's a strong and intense feeling and sometimes you just know deep inside of you that you feel it but you don't have to revel in it.
I F*ing hate my mom and that narc liar that lied to me, hate their guts!
Yeah.
yeah! and amen to that!
I haven't read back through this entire thread yet-sorry! But I will say that I agree with what you're saying here. I never allowed myself to hate anyone or anything. Totally would have shamed myself and been shamed for something like that. That's not loving! Not allowed!
BUT, when I finally got to the point of realizing and allowing myself to HATE my ABUSERS, and in particular the worst one, my own MOTHER, I could hate them fully..which I thought would last forever..but it didn't..well, sometimes when I have a flashback I hate them for what they did still, yes..but I liken it to crying (something else that's been stunted and difficult for my whole life. Feelings that were never allowed). But to see that once I allowed that feeling, it flowed through me. It doesn't stay forever, and allows me to release a little more each time. Hate, anger, blame where blame is due, all things we were never allowed by the abusers themselves...yep. Lo and behold, they are just normal feelings that, had we had healthy people in our lives, would never have had to escalate to this point. I'm glad the hate feeling has passed and now I feel more indifferent. But, I still have lots of feelings about this don't get me wrong..
phoebes, i completely agree with you. those feelings are relevant and real and deserve to be let out, no matter what we'd been told about them. i've had similar experience as you - i thought the hate would last forever, but acknowledging it, voicing it, writing it, accepting it, just being with it and eventually it has diminished or just neutralized.
and, as you said, it does come up every so often, but it doesn't linger, doesn't have the same bite. i think what i'm learning is that, like with my physical pain, accepting it as it is instead of judging it or myself allows it to be for a bit, then it doesn't have to anymore. holding this stuff back, berating ourselves (neg. messages to our brains/minds) does nothing but allow it to continue. i'm convinced that in letting it out, letting it be, it will dissipate on its own. this crapola cannot live long in the light.
Quote from: sanmagic7 on April 17, 2017, 02:19:11 PM
this crapola cannot live long in the light.
I like that. I've had some brief moments or days where I felt more in the light, but for the past two years of NC, I have felt horrible. Not always guilty, but more like sad I don't have the real family I thought, who just needed to come to terms with their behavior. I really thought one day my mom would realize what she's done and apologize. I guess that would mean that she would finally "see" me. I've accepted that now, and really don't even like her, so I don't care about that anymore. I just hate that it's resulted in everyone else having a family except for me, because of "my" choice. Oh man the hate is rising again..lol :fallingbricks:
phoebes, we don't all have families. maybe it seems that way at times looking at others as they're walking in the mall or something, but it's really not true. i've given up so much family over the years, both foo and the ones that i created. it's heartbreaking, really, but they were killing me.
my daughter and ex have been in therapy for about 30 yrs., each, and they still refused to do the work, to be honest about their issues, to break through and admit to the awfulness of what they'd perpetrated upon me. some people are just too damaged and will never 'get' it. they simply may not be capable of it, for whatever reason.
personally, i'm glad for you that you have made it through, that you are walking the walk, and that you were able to love yourself enough to let go of the poison those people were feeding you. i know it's sad - it broke my heart to go nc with my firstborn daughter, and i wish it could be otherwise - but i have other people in my life who care about me (my other daughter and my hub) and it was hurting them, too, to watch me get emotionally beaten every time i turned around.
it's very sad that we can't have the families we wanted. i share in your grief. big hug.
Quote from: Phoebes on April 17, 2017, 06:49:15 PM
for the past two years of NC, I have felt horrible. Not always guilty, but more like sad I don't have the real family I thought, who just needed to come to terms with their behavior. I really thought one day my mom would realize what she's done and apologize. I guess that would mean that she would finally "see" me. I've accepted that now, and really don't even like her, so I don't care about that anymore. I just hate that it's resulted in everyone else having a family except for me, because of "my" choice.
I hear you, Phoebes. I'm in the same boat.
Quote from: sanmagic7 on April 18, 2017, 12:14:31 AM
it's very sad that we can't have the families we wanted. i share in your grief. big hug.
:yeahthat:, and a :bighug: from me to both of you.
Continuing my recovery diary:
I've visited ACA and I'm planning on doing it again when my workshift is over, and by doing so I will attempt to implement some better thinking and trying to be present a little bit more.
I think I rushed myself too hard last time and I could feel it like chest pain.
It's either me re-hashing my boring old worries or just feeling severe chest pain, I prefer to re-hash because the chest pain is scary and makes me think my body can't handle it.
Somehow I need to get this energy out of me, but I'll try to not be such a perfectionist about it this time.
good for you, hurtbeat, for realizing such things as going too fast or taking on too much at once. that's progress, in my book. well done!
that perfectionism and impatience thing can really do a number on us, set us back when we wanted to move forward. i guess that's why people talk about slow and small steps. it's something i've had to work on a lot.
i've gotten chest pain when i've felt afraid, and have finally been able to recognize it as that. my next step is to explore what it is i'm afraid about. i don't know if you relate to that or not, but it's helped me understand a lot more how my body is talking to me when i haven't been able to access my emotions immediately.
sounds like you're doing just what you need to do for you. very smart! :hug:
Thanks san! :hug:
Yep, I'm trying it again.
I've already gone ahead in my mind and made a plan for how I should work out more and eat better but that's just the perfectionist talking.
No running into walls this time.. but no blaming myself if I do..
Why is it so hard to stay mindful and present?
So easy and yet so hard.
Ah.. this morning as I travelled home from my workshift by train and saw the sun break out from the stormy clouds and shine down upon the fields..
I felt some sort of satisfaction, joy.
Not that everything's perfect, it's just that I think I found my centre for a bit and it felt so damn good!
More of this, please life!
Must stay awake and savour this calm relaxed and joyful presence within me before it goes away into everyday grey bladida- feeling again.
What did I do?
I guess I had a thought about life just being life and that everything that counts is my inner life and my headspace.
How I find pleasure in everyday work in order to promote happiness.. food, clean space, some creative things to do, pleasure of all sorts.
It finally came together for a bit.
I hope this feeling digs deep pathways into my brain now, dig deep!
keep talking to your brain, and it will. mind over brain, like in the movie 'a beautiful mind'. i've been doing it, it's been working. i'm glad you found that place - it is a good feeling, isn't it! you go! :hug:
I've begun to visit a 12-step group every week or so, depending on my work schedule.
And I feel like it's helping, I'm already beginning to re- evaluate some old beliefs and feel relief in the fact that we just listen to each other unreservedly.
It's refreshing to not take responsibility for any other recovery but my own.
Also re-evaluating my view on men, things I find sexy are twisted.
I'd like to turn it around and start to like healthy men instead and despise destructive behaviours.
good going, hurtbeat! really glad you're finding something on a regular basis that is bringing positivity into your life. love it! :hug: