Guys, i don't know whats going on. Maybe someone has an idea here?
Havent been able to write about this for a week, due to feeling frozen when it comes to talking about it, and due to self destructing. (i know it doesnt look like it because I'm writing this post)
Last session with T, felt invalidated.
Told her i felt shame when i was rejected by this guy who i liked (he found out i liked him)
He touched me (before he knew about my feelings for him) and i told her and T said nothing. He shouldnt have done that if he didnt feel the same way about me.
I said that i think in my head, that *he thinks I'm too young* (outer critic i think), and T said,
*He was probably worried about what other people would think, i mean the age gap is big*
after i already told her session before that, that i couldnt tell her how old he was because she might think it was weird.
Is this an invalidation? Her jumping to his feelings, rather than understanding how *i feel* and what *im thinking?*
She said that its normal feeling how i said i felt- shame- when rejected.
I left feeling invalidated and thats why i said i was leaving her in my red flags therapist thread on here.
I stuffed my feelings that night and drank after the session.
I was upset that i might have to leave her.
I didnt acknowledge my feelings this week, thinking that there is no help...i felt so uncomfortable i couldn't talk in that session...so i didnt explain all of the story, and all of my feelings, but the bits i did say...she ignored and invalidated.
I decided to quit this healing journey. She wasnt helping me form connections and understanding about why i felt so terrible after this rejection and she didnt validate.
Then my dad phoned me and i answered because he never rings and i thought it might be important.
He invalidated me by telling me how i should feel, with out me having to say anything about how i was feeling. I would never tell him anyway, because he is invalidating.
I self harmed after talking to him. My rage was so intense.
Then i started to deny everything in my head.
My parents didnt do anything etc.
Saw T today.
I needed to see her before i made my decision to leave, and i thought that if she invalidated this session, i would get up and walk out. (if i didnt freeze)
I invalidated myself in season before she could.
I couldnt talk about anything *honestly* because i thought she would think its stupid and invalidate it.
Cant remember what happened, but she was on about shame and anger.
She said that if we have been taught we are worthless and shameful, ..cant remember...
and i said...
*why didnt you say that last session, when we were talking about the rejection?*
and she said:
*oh, I'm sorry, i always assume you know everything so i thought you'd know that. Sorry.*
(She says I'm very psychologically minded a lot.)
I wanted her - the session we talked about the rejection-
to help me to understand where these intense feelings were coming from - why they were here.
She didnt, and i lost trust in her that she knows how to work with someone with CPTSD.
I did know that, but because she normalised my feelings - brushing them aside saying we all feel like that when rejected-
i didnt go on to the other feelings i had been having such as emptiness...
so i didnt get any insight to my puzzle and i also didnt talk about the other feelings because i thought she would invalidate and, or, brush them aside and offer no insight to them.
She got that i was feeling hopeless from our interaction today.
But I'm not sure she understands exactly why as i couldn't tell her out right that i was mad at her and why.
She said she was glad that i came today, as i said i wasnt sure if i should have come...
but i don't believe her.
She does this. She is invalidating one week, then great the next...so i don't trust that it was just all in my head because this week was better- because it *always goes back around*.
I don't know why I'm self destructing - a flashback??
Why am i denying everything?
What should i do? i can't talk to her cos I'm worried shell lie.
ok this post was way too long.
ill figure out what to do.
No, your post wasn't too long ... you needed to get that out, so you can process it.
Sienna, I really hope you don't leave your therapist. It is a struggle, that's for sure - and it's guaranteed to be painful, we didn't get this way without pain either. I like the analogy of having to fix a broken bone that's healed wrong, the doctor typically has to re-break it and then set it correctly, so it can heal right.
There will be those therapists who cause pain that's not restorative and we for sure need to watch out for that - check up on what she's telling you, either here or in doing research online or in your favorite recovery book.
Sometimes they don't need to know the whole story to be able to see what's going on, and to be able to help you. If what you most need from her right now is just the chance to tell your whole story and have her witness it, be sure to tell her that's what you need.
If she's great sometimes, I'd hate to see you leave over a misunderstanding. :hug:
Hi Sienna,
Really sorry you are going through this.
In a rush, but with the time zones, I wanted to say sometihing quickly.
I talked to my T about issues related to feeling invalidated, recently. I found it really empowering, and the response was a great relief to me.
I don't know if your T is right for you, but I'd like to talk more about approaching this really hard problem of how to talk to our Ts about our relationship with them, and how to talk about it - what belongs to who, what we need, how they feel etc.
Hang in there. No matter what you are okay, and there will be a way through, with this T, or not. It may not be much consolation, but we here at OOTS are here for you, and across the interwebz and, often, thousands of miles, you have people who do care.
What I most wanted to say is what a terrifying feeling it is to feel this way when you already feel so tramatised and alone, and how hard it is to trust yourself to do what is right for you, and to know what that is.
Gotta go. Hugs
Hey radical,
Thank you so much for taking the time to reply, even though you were in a rush. I really appreciate it - so nice of you.
Really sorry you are going through this.
When i talked to my T about this before, she said *what do you want me to do? Make a song about it?*
and i just sat there, stumped and frozen. All i could say was, *no*.
So im afraid to bring this up with her again.
Im so glad you and your T talked about this. I hope it helped you.
Hang in there. No matter what you are okay, and there will be a way through, with this T, or not. It may not be much consolation, but we here at OOTS are here for you, and across the interwebz and, often, thousands of miles, you have people who do care.
Thank you so much.
What I most wanted to say is what a terrifying feeling it is to feel this way when you already feel so tramatised and alone, and how hard it is to trust yourself to do what is right for you, and to know what that is.
I have no words. Thank you for your understanding. You hit the nail on its head here, and i felt less alone reading that.
:hug:
Three Roses,
Thank you for reading my post.
I have read online, that therapists sometimes break you in order for you to be able to build yourself back up again.
I asked her if she does this, if she says things to trigger me so that i can get angry at her...and she said no, she would never intentionally do that.
I know. Im not sure if its just a misunderstanding. But ive lost my notes of *red flags* and i don't know if its me or her, and I'm fed up of trying to figure it out..even though i wrote this post.
I feel like I'm loosing my mind. Im so confused about everything.
Thanks Three Roses.
Last night i started to remember what she said to me in session- some bits of it.
I didnt write any notes on the session as usual.
I cant even explain because i cant ... and I'm not sure why.
We were talking about my X..who i believed was a narc...and i said *when he left*...as he broke up with me, and she never pulled me up on this before...so maybe she only did because i said...*god, i keep saying when he left...i mean...when we broke up* (thinking i sounded silly)...even though he broke up with me..
and she said that he didnt leave, i left him...the relationship was dying anyway...
and i left him by emotionally closing off.
She has never said that she is sorry about what happened.
So then i thought , that maybe she thinks its my fault.
She said i blame myself because its easier, but i started doing that in session because she said that i left, and she asked me if i also hurt him.
I said yes.
That evening it dawned on me, that maybe he didnt *abandon me*...i mean, he threw me out in a really awful way,
but now I'm thinking that i deserved it because of the way i treated him.
I started smoking, and i would smoke instead of nit picking at him in the way my mother picked at me...
and i went to therapy to try to change.
Yet, the wounds that i caused my partner were too great.
I dont know if its right or wrong to think that i deserved everything i got...
but my head is telling me that i do deserve it.
Maybe all the stuff he did at the end of the relationship, was his attempt to hurt me in the way that i hurt him, even if i didnt mean to hurt him, i still hurt him.
He is the one who should be receiving emotional support after everything he has been through with me, and i don't deserve to be in this refuge.
People don't know me. They don't know how much like my mother i am...
and I'm starting to deny that my mother did anything to hurt me. And my dad.
I realise that i pushed partner away...but was that also because of the way he was?
At volunteering, we go to the allotment on thrusdays, and X didnt go after we broke up.
People thought he was being considerate and giving me space.
he brought his new replacement girlfriend to the centre despite asking me how i felt about that (he brought her and moved her in to our house when we broke up so i had to leave)
and i said i wasnt ready to see them together yet, but he did it anyway.
So i believe he shied away from the allotment because there were people there who were supporting me and who were disappointed in the way he treated me.
And these people understood if i didnt want him to come bak to the allotment group for a while.
I am still on my mission to self destruct, so i said to X today that i want him to go to the Allotment.
I am just going to bow out, despite how he hurt me after the break up. The only thing i did is say i didnt want him to come to the group with this new girlfriend. (of him on his own)
Do i deserve him to come to the allotment, despite what he has done, because during the relationship, i hurt him too?
Its like i don't want the best for myself.
And i cant help it. Its like this cloud is over my head that wants to destroy me. It may be anger tuned inwards, but i don't have the energy to figure it out.
I have no energy left.
I distrust everyone and cant help burning bridges.
I think people are abandoning me but maybe theyre not. And then i feel just...crazy.
I cant figure this out and have hope...because what if the hope doesnt last?
T said she is sad that I'm so sad. and until she said that, i didnt realise i was sad.
I don't know why I'm sad, apart from knowing that this feeling started when i thought i might have to leave her.
I cant think straight, and i feel angry, and as thought i am going to cry...all the time.
either that, or i feel numb.
just wanted to get that out, as i have know one in real life i can talk to, and I'm so good at hiding things, that people don't notice.
If I could I would give you a real hug but here's what i can give you instead - :hug: :hug: :hug:
No matter what context it was in, "What do you want me to do, write a song about it" seems an awfully unkind thing to say.
You do not deserve to have hurtful things happen to you! You are worthy of kindness, respect, and happiness.
You say you are on a "mission to self destruct", and I really hope you abandon that mission! And put yourself instead on a path to healing and hope, because you do deserve good things in your future.
My heart hurts for you. Like you say, sometimes I can't remember things clearly or talk about them; it's like a wall comes up or something. I was just reading how one of the speech centers in our brains goes offline when we remember trauma. But other areas come online, "rekindled as if the trauma were actually occurring." (Page 44, 'The Body Keeps The Score'.)
"Its like i don't want the best for myself.
And i cant help it. Its like this cloud is over my head that wants to destroy me. It may be anger tuned inwards, but i don't have the energy to figure it out."
I totally relate to this statement! Why don't I want what's good and healthy for myself? It's a mystery to me. Maybe because I've had to believe the lies people told me. So maybe now it's time for us to start uncovering the truth and seeing that we are "good enough" people, just like everyone else.
Hang in there, kiddo! :)
Thank you Three Roses for the hug, and for being so nice.
Ive never talked about that before...about what T said.
I was so careful how i said it to her. but i think that maybe her own insecurities came out...and i don't know if its my imagination or not...
but i sensed that she liked the silence that came after she said that. It was like...she was evil.
My mother used to say things like that to me.
Maybe T was invalidating in that moment.
In fact, i did write about it on the red flags thread i made, and know one wrote that they thought it was wrong like you did.
Since this T...and the invalidation the session (after the one where she said that thing), i have gone back in recovery and lost all hope because i thought that i would have to loose her.
I never thought i was this attached to her, and instead started to distrust and loose sight of why i thought i had to leave her, and thought that i was self destructing by leaving her.
I know ill be ok as when i leave others, and when they leave me, i just go numb and don't feel.
So i down know why i cant do it. I do want it to work but i worry its all in my head- this ..stuff.
I told her last session that i had given up acknowledging my feelings and used a lot of denial and invalidation against myself in that session...
and she said maybe its a good thing to not care about stuff, and that i just need a break.
I was doing better before i took this break (Ive been abandoning myself- thats what i mean by break), and i started doing that since the session two weeks ago when i felt invalidated by her.
you understand the wall! yes, its like a wall comes up and you cant get past it.
My heart hurts for you. Like you say, sometimes I can't remember things clearly or talk about them; it's like a wall comes up or something. I was just reading how one of the speech centres in our brains goes offline when we remember trauma. But other areas come online, "rekindled as if the trauma were actually occurring." (Page 44, 'The Body Keeps The Score'.)
Thanks. and thats really interesting. Makes sense to me.
"Its like i don't want the best for myself.
And i cant help it. Its like this cloud is over my head that wants to destroy me. It may be anger tuned inwards, but i don't have the energy to figure it out."
I really hope that one day, you will want whats best for yourself. And i hope you can see the lies for what they are, and that you can not believe them one day.
Thank you so much for your post. I hope you are right, that her comment was not ok to have been made. I do feel a little relieved that you also think this..
:hug: :hug:
I remember saying this in some thread somewhere. After I related an especially freaky EF to my P doc he replied "What do you want from me?" I realized he didn't have what I needed. I left him. I had no guarantee the next doc wouldn't be even worse. I questioned my judgment and perception of the situation. I went ahead and switched docs. So far so good. If you left your current T would she take you back if you wanted to go back to her? Bad as she is, Is she better than nothing? How hard would it be to get a replacement T? Do you have the option of starting the process now?
please believe me when i say i'm not attempting to invalidate anyone, not their thoughts, feelings, or emotions. and, i'm not trying to take the side of the therapists, either. being a therapist myself, i was also attempting to listen to what the therapist might have been saying and why. i'm reading all this confusion and mistrust about therapists, and it hurts my heart that there is so much inconsistency for you when it comes to your therapist, sienna. you've talked before (on your red flags post) about feeling validated one session, invalidated the next. i'm really sorry to hear that. i truly am.
can you talk to your therapist about this feeling of being invalidated? about your confusion? i know that if a client of mine was going thru this, i'd like to know. sometimes we, as therapists, don't quite know, either, what might be a trigger for a client, and what might not be one. the therapeutic relationship is just that - a relationship, and sometimes, especially when a client is confused him/herself, we can also get confused about what our clients need from us. (danaus, that might be why that question was asked. i don't know, just guessing).
if the therapist gets confusing messages from the client, s/he may attempt to define what the client is saying (as in, 'i'm sorry you're sad', or that you left him instead of the other way around). this is not to say that anyone thinks it's your fault, sienna, that the relationship didn't work. no pointing of fingers, no blaming, no shaming. i know that in my past, i've had relationships that didn't work out simply because the two of us didn't 'fit' together. often that was because my own issues as well as his issues didn't mesh well when we were together. it was like we left each other, even while we were still together. but, i have dropped out of a relationship emotionally, which is a form of leaving, while still physically with him. and, whoever i might have been with at the time has done the same.
the idea that one person leaves another can be taken on many different levels. levels of commitment to the relationship can be different. levels of expectations of self and other can be different from both parties. levels of how long do we keep trying can be different for both.
this can happen in a therapeutic relationship as well. usually, a good therapist will attempt to meet the needs of the client, but may not know exactly what they are. i've had to tell my therapist exactly what i need from her (if you recall, she's really young and green and new to the business. her heart is in the right place but she just doesn't have much experience). i don't know if that is a possibility for you.
i've also had to tell my therapist the difference between ptsd and c-ptsd. she kept referring to my situation in ptsd terms (mainly because c-ptsd is not in the diagnostic manual) until i finally told her that wasn't my problem, and explained the difference. she had been clueless, but she's all i've got here, so i'm making the best of it.
i hate seeing you go through this agony over and over, sienna. confusion is such a maelstrom of feelings, thoughts, emotions, and it's difficult to pick our way thru them to know which are real, which are false, which feel good, bad, or ugly. i do hope you can find some level of 'fit' ness with this therapist or another, if you choose to leave this one. i also hope you can find your strength while in a session, and learn what you need to know so that you can continue to move forward on your path of recovery.
by the by, when i think of taking a 'break' from all this, or when i've talked to clients about that, i've meant it as just let the hard stuff go for a day or so, just watch some comedy, laugh with a friend, enjoy a movie - basically, give your mind a little time off. this stuff can be so difficult, so overwhelming, and we can get lost in it. to take a break from it is just to find some enjoyable part of something that can distract you for a while, let your emotions rest.
i hope you can find some peace within yourself with all this. that would be great! as someone said, hang in there. we're all hanging right beside you!
by the by, sienna, on another board, you asked about my funerals. i lost that place, was having a tough time, didn't get back to you on that.
my funerals basically are acknowledging everything and everybody in my life that have been lost to me, or that i needed and didn't get, allowing me to actually focus on them, and feel the feelings that i hadn't otherwise done. i pick an image of a funeral arrangement of flowers (flowers are one of my favorite things), put it in my journal and on my desktop. i write everything i think and feel about it, anything and everything that comes to mind, and if emotions come up, i deal with them appropriately (like, if i feel sad, i let myself cry. if i feel angry, i go pound on my bed and let all the cusswords out. if i'm alone, i'll be very loud. otherwise, i'll say them in my head), and allow the image to stay on my computer desktop until i'm done grieving. but, it's there every day to remind me, and i think about it for a bit. when it loses its punch, or when something else comes up, i'll put something different on my desktop. and, when i need a break from this, i'll put something beautiful, relaxing, calming on my desktop, like a woodland scene, or a rose, and just let that be until i feel ready to have another funeral.
but, yes, doing these funerals have really helped me alleviate the sadness that i've been so full of and didn't understand why. acknowledging what i've lost has been grounding for me, has allowed me to see the reality of my situation and accept it, and move on from it.
sorry it took so long to get back to you on this, and i know this is a thread about something entirely different, but i wanted to answer you and i just lost the other place where you had asked. peace to you, sienna.
Danaus, I'm sorry that happened to you. That is awful and really insensitive.
And its so great and so brave that you left him.
What you wrote made me think...that..if T didnt do what i thought she was doing or rather- not doing - regarding lack of emapthy-
it could have been an emotional flashback,
an emotional flashback in which she didnt recognise could be one-
one in which, if it did exist, she ignored and instead was defensive.
Thank you for your questions.
If i left her, i could go back to her perhaps.
She talked about that. If i stick with her and other trauma memories surface after finishing therapy far in the future, she said i could go back to her if i wanted to.
I guess it depends on how i leave her, if i choose to leave.
Bad as she is, Is she better than nothing? -
I don't know. Maybe. But i also don't like feeling...confused or hurt after sessions. I don't know if i can do it, and i don't know conversely if i can be with out her...but i know i can...as much as i might not like it.
Even if something is really painful and hard, I'm realising that ..whilst it sucks to be a alone...im doing it...so i might have to opt for the less desirable reality.
I could get a replacement T.
I just don't know how to ... spartanlifecoach has a video about that...and told us where to do to find a T, and what sort of T to ask for- as in what they specialise in.
I am just worried that i wont choose the right one...that ill find red flags and question if its me or them if i am in therapy with another person...and just encounter more confusion...
and the thought of trying to start again and trying to open up and trust another person seems terrifying to me. And i don't know if there are any where i live, because a doc told me there was none here when i wanted to go on the NHS list...i only know the small practice where ive been going.
I may one day. But i just cant.
Now i totally understand why No more fear needed a break before going to another T after her bad experience with one.
Hey Sanmagic7...
Are you really worried about me feeling invalidated because of that time when you posted and i said that?
I want you to know that i really appreciate your questions and for making me think.
Its great that you are or were , a therapist...all input is great and that from a therapist is really helpful too!
i'm reading all this confusion and mistrust about therapists, and it hurts my heart that there is so much inconsistency for you when it comes to your therapist, sienna. you've talked before (on your red flags post) about feeling validated one session, invalidated the next. i'm really sorry to hear that. i truly am.
Thanks. I just worry its in my head.
I would talk to my T about this...but last time i brought it up, even though i feel that i did it extremely sensitively for fear of hurting her feelings or knocking any confidence she may have had...she said...
*what do you want me to do?? Write a song about it?!*
and we just sat there in silence...i sat frozen and just muttered...*no*.
I flashbacked to my mother saying things like that, but she didnt know or, she ignored the fact that i froze. I don't know if she could tell it might remind me of something...or that i felt shame.
She seemed defensive and cold...
I didnt explain that i understood what T was saying about me abandoning my X during the relationship.
Just when i said something about him...she said..but did you hurt him?
and i said yes
it just felt invalidating. maybe i don't deserve validation because hurt him.
Even if i didnt intentionally hurt him, i still hurt him..so my feelings don't count.
And i didnt do any of the awful things he did at the end of the relationship.
I didnt do anything.
So because i felt invalidated, ...i cant remember what i said to her, but she said i am seeing it as being all my fault.
She said that we didnt fit. She said we were the same, but outwardly were different...but i don't think and she doesnt think...that i am codependent...but instead, counter dependant, so we didnt work.
I don't know if i closed off to him emotionally because of the way he was with me.
I was that way to begin with, due to past experiences...but i wonder if the way he was with me didnt help me to be more open and honest with him.
I think that i was in a double bind with him. I couldn't do anything right, even if i did what he wanted.
I know that she might not have understood or known what i needed from the last session i had this week with her...because i didnt explain stuff and i didnt say.
But i cant, not after the way she reacted, and also due to feeling invalidated.
Thank you for all your good wishes.
Oh yes, i knew what she meant by *i should just take a break*.
I said to her that i hadn't looked at my feelings this week.
She asked how it had been going.
I said it was fine (which was a lie)...and i didnt tell her that i was on a self destruct mission in neglecting how I'm feeling.
I havent been doing so greta since i started ignoring everything. (self abandonment i guess).
But maybe she didnt want to smash through my defences so she didnt say she knew that.
Instead, she said that i should take a break from looking at stuff.
But looking at stuff is what kept me going.
I feel i don't have anything with out this healing journey.
I guess she reminded me of my dad.
Its a long story, but i told T once what dad said, and she said he didnt accept me as i am, and that he was telling me to not seek the truth, and to stop looking at things and to just have fun.
She said he wanted me to be like him, to burry my head in the sand because he cant accept that mum hurt me.
he denied anything ever happened, and my X set this up. Dad wanted know what was wrong, and i said it was to do with the past, not knowing what to say, when i realise now that it was also to do with the way partner was treating me.
I just didnt explain to her properly. I see that now.
Thanks so much for your input and for making me think, Sanmagic.
Also, Im sorry that your T isn't knowledgable about Cptsd, i hope this wont get in the way and i hope she can learn and help you properly.
Im sorry she is the best you have at the moment, and i hope that it can work, and if not, i do hope you will be able to find someone else. :hug:
San magic, thanks for getting back to me on your funerals.
Its totally ok that you didnt get back to me. I know its hard to do that when your having a rough time.
I like how you make it like an actual funeral. It is, i believe. Its a death of something.
Its like, you are setting, not a time frame, but like..a reminder to come back to it.
Because when someones died, you know they have died, it stays with you, you are grieving.
Maybe with what you are doing, it has always been there...so my thinking is that, maybe you could ignore it or forget about it.
I might be totally wrong, and i am not in that place in this journey that you are.
But to me, putting up flowers to remind yourself of your losses, maybe makes it more real?
You sound very brave to me to be doing this.
but, yes, doing these funerals have really helped me alleviate the sadness that i've been so full of and didn't understand why. acknowledging what i've lost has been grounding for me, has allowed me to see the reality of my situation and accept it, and move on from it.
Thats so great.
Do you mind me asking, if you have triggers that bring up the need to have a funeral?
i just lost the other place where you had asked.
Thats ok. Im glad you got back to me about it. :hug:
*possible triggers in here*
from what you're saying, or what i'm hearing you say, it sounds like your t can be insensitive at times. the 'writing a song' statement didn't make sense to me, i can't think why she might say something like that, it doesn't seem to fit at all with what you said. just seemed weird.
i've never heard the term 'counter dependent' before. new one for me. i do understand about people just not fitting together, in which case there is no blame to be laid, it's just a mis-fit. that kind of thing happens a lot, i think. and people often hurt each other in a relationship, either intentionally or unintentionally, so that's usually a two-way street. what is more concerning to me is the feeling you had that you were in a double-bind situation with him, that no matter what you did, even if it was something he wanted, it wasn't right. from my experience, both professional and personal, those kinds of situations are crazy-making. they make you feel like you're crazy, and the other person could even help that feeling along, especially if s/he says things like, 'it's all in your head', or 'no, that's not the way it was', or 'you don't know what you're talking about.' not a good situation at all. it sounds like it might be a good thing you're out of there, altho, no, he didn't need to do anything nasty on his way out. that's uncalled for.
and then, he's parading a new girlfriend around in front of you? that's just being mean. i don't think he's a very nice person, and you deserve better.
as for my funerals, my tendency all my life was not to allow any so-called 'negative' feelings, especially anger, sadness, jealousy, opinions, personal discomfort, hate, and that includes anything that might make another person uncomfortable. i was programmed to take care of others first, always, no matter what might be going on with me.
so, at this point in my life, i'm finally not only allowing, but encouraging any types of feelings that i wasn't allowed to acknowledge, because i realize now that i have pushed them all down into my body, and my body is now very sick because of doing that all these years. my funerals, even tho they may be painful, are necessary for me in order to get at all those feelings that i should have been able to express at the time, but wasn't allowed. i am now allowing myself to have my feelings, and part of them have been buried for a very long time. the funerals bring my losses, whatever they might be (for example, the childhood i needed but didn't have, my mom, my dad, what i needed from each of them but didn't get, the people who are no longer in my life because of the issues i've had with them, my beautiful little house that i had to leave, the gardens where i grew flowers and veggies for my family, the fact that my family has been torn apart - and on and on and on).
my life has been built on attempting to deny, to forget, to let it go, and that strategy has only gotten me sicker. so, i'm doing something different now. i'm facing it all head on, and it's very emotional, sometimes painful, often exhausting, but ultimately, i'm feeling better because of it. i'm going to keep at it until it's all emptied out of me, out into the universe where it belongs, cuz it doesn't belong in me. for most of my life i thought it did. not anymore. my latest is of a new-ish relationship with someone from my past, we hadn't been in touch for 50 yrs. i thought it would be fun, happy, shining, a light in this darkness i've been going thru these past months. a distraction. we've only been back in touch for about 2 months, but i already know that he has turned out to be a not very nice man. i don't want him in my life anymore. the flowers for him are on my desktop right now. they've been there a few days. it's almost time to move on. and, if i hear from him again, i'll tell him that i don't want to hear from him anymore. still, it's a loss, and i'm sad it didn't work out the way i thought it might. so, i had a funeral for him. and, i'm glad.
and, yes, i was concerned that with what i was going to say you might think i was invalidating you or taking your t's side, and i wanted to make it clear that i had no intention of doing that. but, i'm glad you responded to that, and i won't worry about it anymore. so, thanks, sienna. and, good luck with your decision about your t. i don't know if it's in your mind or not, cuz i wasn't there, wasn't able to hear voice tone or see body language. couldn't feel the vibe. if and when you can talk to her about it, and be straight with her and get a straight answer from her, i think you'll have more valid information for yourself. otherwise, i think you'll just keep guessing. my opinion only.
Thanks Sanmagic7
T said the writing a song statement in reply to me saying,..i cant really remember anymore...
I was talking about empathy...and i said that sometimes, when she says that she is sad or angry that someone said something to me...or that something happened, that i find it hard to believe and i asked her if she really feels those feelings, because i am just another client.
She said she does and i said that, it doesnt seem like she does, because she seems very relaxed a bug things, oh yes- i said- *you don't *seem* angry*.
All the stuff about my X- we are over and I'm not going back even if he wanted me in the future.
Not sure if this is what you were saying, but i want you to know, that T didnt say that it was all in my head- my X said my feelings were irrational.
he didn't need to do anything nasty on his way out. that's uncalled for.
and then, he's parading a new girlfriend around in front of you? that's just being mean. i don't think he's a very nice person, and you deserve better.
I believe he is a narc. I don't think my T thinks this. She asked me last session what i think happened in the relationship...what i think he is...even though i already told her i think X is a narc,
so i avoided her question...because i was afraid she would think my *theory* was stupid or that she would say its wrong.
I didnt understand why she was asking me again.
Oh yes, the thing that i forgot to mention about her saying that I also abandoned my X-
i was most bothered by the comment - not because it is true-
but because she never said this to me before.
She only said it (for the first time)- when i stopped and said...wait- I'm always saying *when he left*..thinking it sounded stupid.
as for my funerals, my tendency all my life was not to allow any so-called 'negative' feelings, especially anger, sadness, jealousy, opinions, personal discomfort, hate, and that includes anything that might make another person uncomfortable. i was programmed to take care of others first, always, no matter what might be going on with me.
Im sorry to hear this.
so, at this point in my life, i'm finally not only allowing, but encouraging any types of feelings that i wasn't allowed to acknowledge, -
Yay!
Im so sorry to hear that your friend is not a very nice person. Ugh. sometimes it hurts so much.
I hope new, and nice people will come round the corner for you, for whenever you are ready.
I find present losses really hard to deal with. So, yes...you are doing an amazing thing.
and, yes, i was concerned that with what i was going to say you might think i was invalidating you or taking your t's side, and i wanted to make it clear that i had no intention of doing that.
Its ok. Im sorry you worried and if you are still worried- thats ok too...i hope you know that. Sorry you have worried. And thank you for putting a trigger warning and for explaining that your not taking sides etc.
You are right that if i don't talk to her, ill probably keep guessing.
Maybe making this thread...was kind of pointless...as know one is telling me what to do- and maybe thats because its not their place...maybe i didnt ask for that...and also...its not their place perhaps to tell me. And = i cant remember all of the details and red flags that i questioned..and i lost my notes on them...so i cant write about this properly.
I may figure it out- I'm just worried that i would be wrong for leaving and that id have the whole situation wrong.
But, all i can do, is wait it out.
Thank you for your input Sanmagic. :hug:
Dear Sienna,
I asked my inner child about all this. she said I should answer my former Doc's "What do you want from me?" by saying "I want you to go take a flying leap for yourself!" Then my inner child said you should answer you T by saying "Yeah, write me a song and sing it for me too!"
Dear SanMagic7,
I like your idea of funerals. Thanks for going into details. I just might give it a shot.
Danaus, hahahaha!
God, this is hilarious!
I asked my inner child about all this. she said I should answer my former Doc's "What do you want from me?" by saying "I want you to go take a flying leap for yourself!"
ah, thats great!
Instead of muttering, *no.* to her question..- i should have said, *YES!*
*Yes, of course thats what i want you to do!! Now hop to it lady!*
;D
i havent managed to see the funny side of this - so thank you!
Im glad that your inner child is having her input. :applause:
I like your idea of funerals. Thanks for going into details. I just might give it a shot.
Nice one Danaus. :hug:
maybe its not important, but i just remember exactly what she said to me. It was, *what do you want me to do? Make a big song about it*. good, got that down. thats the truth and its now on paper.
Did she by any chance happen to say "make a song and dance" That would be even better, because then she could "Shuffle off to Buffalo."
love the humor here. and, danaus, you're welcome. if you do give them a go, i hope they help.
ok people...would someone mind telling me what they think of my T's responses to a few things?
Im just remembering them now, whilst i should be asleep. (i know i sound obsessed and i hope know one is annoyed that i cant make a decision.
i want to know before i talk to her about it..if i ever can...if i can i will at some point...just not now.)
I don't say *I feel*, and maybe she's forgotten, but she asked me once if i ever said *i feel...* to my partner and i said no.
Isn't this an important thing for her to remember? Shouldnt she bear in mind that i really struggle with this? With expressing feelings?
My question is, do people only empathise with others, if an *i FEEL* is said???
What about saying *i think...*?
Me: I worry about what people think of me...
T: What does it matter what people think of you?
Me: (Defences up, pretending i don't really care what others think, after feeling invalidated), well, it doesnt really! Now that you put it like that, I I mean, it doesnt effect me or change my life..so why on earth should it bother me?!*
Next:
Me: (About this guy i liked and who didnt like me back. Me assuming what he thinks of me, maybe outer critic stuff)...I just think that he thinks that I'm just too young
T: Well he is probably worried about what it would look like, because the age gap is quite big
(It took me a lot to tell her how old he was compared to me, and i told her at first that i couldnt tell her for fear that she might think it was too weird because of the age gap)
Me: I havent been eating (Due to self destruction, neglecting my health, not caring about myself)
T: Well you will eat when your feel like it
(The discussion didnt go any further, and i was trying to tell her how i was doing of late. Again, i brought this up with her after ages of not doing so)
Me: (talking about my worry that she is lacking empathy) Its just that, sometimes, when yo say you feel sad or angry, to me, you don't seem like you really feel it
T: What do you want me to do about it? Make a big song about it?
Me: no.
Was she inducing guilt? Weather on purpose or not...Because i felt shame and guilt after that.
If you have read ...thank you V much.
I haven't read everything, but would like to reply with my thoughts on your therapist's responses.
Quote
I don't say *I feel*, and maybe she's forgotten, but she asked me once if i ever said *i feel...* to my partner and i said no.
Isn't this an important thing for her to remember? Shouldnt she bear in mind that i really struggle with this? With expressing feelings?
This is something I struggled with early on, before I even realised I could have C-PTSD. In fact, before anyone believed it could exist. I found it very difficult sometimes to identify and share my feelings with someone because I had been ignored and told to suck it up for so long I guess I numbed them down until I didn't know what I felt any more.
To answer your question, yes, as your therapist this is an important thing to remember. I am not a therapist, but I think her job is to gently push you towards becoming more functional in areas such as this. However, it shouldn't be something you feel you can't even do at the moment. Doesn't that just make any patient feel like healing and recovering is impossible if they're presented with tasks that are too difficult?
QuoteMy question is, do people only empathise with others, if an *i FEEL* is said???
What about saying *i think...*?
`I think' is fine, but if you struggled with feelings in a similar way to me, it's necessary to work on it gradually. It's something that is important in relationships with people.
QuoteMe: I worry about what people think of me...
T: What does it matter what people think of you?
Me: (Defences up, pretending i don't really care what others think, after feeling invalidated), well, it doesnt really! Now that you put it like that, I I mean, it doesnt effect me or change my life..so why on earth should it bother me?!*
Sounds like she's trying to point out it isn't important, but not in the best way. It would have made me feel defensive as well, as if the problem is not people judging me, but me `making a big deal' out of it. Thing is, it cannot be helped unless your therapist helps you manage it. Of course you know it shouldn't bother you! I know that too, but that logic doesn't help stop the feelings of being scrutinised and negatively assessed and all the resulting feelings.
QuoteMe: (About this guy i liked and who didnt like me back. Me assuming what he thinks of me, maybe outer critic stuff)...I just think that he thinks that I'm just too young
T: Well he is probably worried about what it would look like, because the age gap is quite big
(It took me a lot to tell her how old he was compared to me, and i told her at first that i couldnt tell her for fear that she might think it was too weird because of the age gap)
This goes back to worrying about what others think and, while it doesn't sound horribly judgemental, given what you said earlier, she might have guessed you would feel like you're being judged! Even so, it is true society judges age-gap relationships negatively (I'm in one) and I think she was trying to put you in his head to stop you beating yourself up over the rejection. For example, let's say you're doing a survey about healthcare, but one man you ask refuses and is incredibly rude to you. In that moment, you probably feel awful. Anyone with C-PTSD might start attacking themselves at this point, believing it's their fault, they deserve it, etc. Though then you realise that you are very close to the bus stop for a bus that includes a major hospital in its route and wonder if perhaps this man came from there and feels healthcare has let him down because a family member is dying in hospital. Maybe it's a rubbish example, but can you see how getting out of your own head and analysing others can change our feelings about bad events? I think she was trying to do that for you.
QuoteMe: I havent been eating (Due to self destruction, neglecting my health, not caring about myself)
T: Well you will eat when your feel like it
(The discussion didnt go any further, and i was trying to tell her how i was doing of late. Again, i brought this up with her after ages of not doing so)
This sounds rather flippant. Does she even realise it's an important issue? Have you told her anything more specific than not eating?
QuoteMe: (talking about my worry that she is lacking empathy) Its just that, sometimes, when yo say you feel sad or angry, to me, you don't seem like you really feel it
T: What do you want me to do about it? Make a big song about it?
Me: no.
Was she inducing guilt? Weather on purpose or not...Because i felt shame and guilt after that.
Sounds like an angry and defensive reaction to me. Is she always lacking empathy, or is it only sometimes? I can imagine that, if I were a therapist, I may not feel up to empathising with everyone all day. Of course, I would care, but I bet listening and hearing all the things people have lived through can be exhausting. Not only mentally, but also emotionally. I am an empathetic person, but can easily tire myself identifying with others. Was this at the end of the day? End of a long work week? There are of course therapists that you should run away from, but there are also many who are only human. Maybe if you tell us more, we can help you decide for yourself?
I'm sorry you're struggling so much right now, Sienna. Just know that there are people here who will always listen, try to offer advice and I'm sure you'll make it through! :hug:
Quote from: Sienna on August 09, 2016, 01:09:47 AM
ok people...would someone mind telling me what they think of my T's responses to a few things?
"Time for a new therapist." That's what I would be thinking if my T said those things.
:(
Thank you so much Sesame!
I had been ignored and told to suck it up for so long I guess I numbed them down until I didn't know what I felt any more. :hug:
I understand completely, and I'm sorry it was this way for you too.
Doesn't that just make any patient feel like healing and recovering is impossible if they're presented with tasks that are too difficult?
Sure. Im not sure if she is *presenting* me with tasks that are too difficult..maybe quite the opposite- there are no tasks.
But I feel i have to do this myself...i know trust etc has to come from me and that know one can force you to trust and open up. she isn't helping me to open up..i mean..it takes time..but after everything I'm not sure i ever will be able to.
Sure yes, its necessary to work on saying *i feel*.
So..people do empathise when others say, *i think*?
As my T should apparently know that i find it hard to say *i feel*...shouldnt she meet me where I'm at, and at least empathise?
I use logic always to push feelings, problems etc. down.
She is like my X doing this- using logic.
Thank you for helping me to put that into words- about the logic. Thank you for understanding.
Um yes maybe....if she is trying to put me inside someone else head to help me see....she shouldnt i odnt think...becsause i said to her that the age gap is big....doesnt that represent the fact that i know that...and then saying that i think he sees me as just being really young....
i said before i said that, that these feelings have been comming up since he found out i liked him and said no...
so..am i crazy for thinking that she should have explored what I'm saying with me?
Did she know that it didnt feel good at all, to feel *too young for him*, even though i logically know why?
logic didnt fix it.
I feel I'm not working through stuff with her. All the difficult feelings i had about this dude...i stuffed them and havent felt them since.
My inner critic went away regarding that.
She said that session to work on how I'm feeling...and last session i told her i couldnt because it was too big. That why i brought it to her in the first place, as well as wanting understanding about why i was suddenly feeling these things i don't normally feel.
Maybe what i wanted her to say is something maybe a good mother might say...such as that he missed out...or I'm a great person...something...those things that i cant tell myself (if they are true)
Someone on here and i can't remember their name...but they said that maybe I'm just not *his type*, which makes the fact that he didnt want to get with me...more about his preferences, rather than that theres something deeply wrong with me, and i felt a little better.
It was like a curtain of dark stuff had been lifted.
maybe she was trying to help. It just didnt help. How do i tell if she is doing it to be mean..or if she is genuinely trying to help?
maybe it doesnt matter. if she's not helping- she's not helping...
About the eating...i hadn't told her anything else. i guess theres not much more to say, apart from when it started, the times i am triggered to not eat...the feelings and thoughts that go along with it.
My perceptions are so ... damaged i guess.. that i don't know if she is lacking empathy or not...and i can't just trust my feelings when i feel invalidated...
i freeze when i feel invalidated by her then move on to something else in the session..i never question her ..its like a reflex in which i cant think at the time...
then invalidation or feeling invalidated makes me not make notes on the session...i don't think about it...i cant...and then I'm further confused cos I'm not looking at it.
if i try to look at stuff... i get myself in knots.
It was near the end of the day...not the last appointment she has like two after me or three.
it was the middle of the week.
i cant have an unempathetic therapist, no matter how much i get and understand her reasons.
its just cos...im paying..and paying emotionally too. i want to work on stuff and i cant if i feel i cant talk to her.
I cant remember much of stuff....thanks for helping me to figure it out..ill write if i remember any more or if anything else happens.
like, i remember some but not all of something she said.
I'm sorry you're struggling so much right now, Sienna. Just know that there are people here who will always listen, try to offer advice and I'm sure you'll make it through! Thank you so much. I really appreciate it. Thanks for your reply and for being so patient. :hug:
hey, sienna,
i think at one point i talked about people simply not 'fitting' together. no blame, no shame, no judgment, it's just not a good fit. that can happen in all kinds of relationships, even parent/child relationships. just because there's an attraction doesn't mean that two people will make a good 'fit'.
i am a therapist, and some of the things you wrote about what your therapist said are difficult to interpret because there are different ways to say the same thing - voice tone, inflection, eye contact, body language, etc. but, no matter what time of the day it is, what day of the week, how difficult other clients are, the therapist's job is to be 'present' for each client, to give full attention, to support, to show compassion for struggles, to guide, to nudge (if that's what's needed - but gently or with humor, whatever works best for the client), to teach, and just to 'be there' for whatever the client presents. really, the only justification i'd allow for a therapist not to be all those things with a client is if s/he is coming down with a physical illness. even then, a conscientious therapist would tell the client about that, and say something about 'i may be a little off today - i can feel a cold coming on, so forgive me if i miss something". just an example. it would give the client fair warning, but that doesn't mean that a good session couldn't ensue anyway.
to tell you the truth, i'm not seeing much of that with what you've written. especially, the comment about the song. you've written it in a fuller context in this post, and the response sounds like out and out defensive sarcasm from your therapist. i can see where her comment 'you'll eat when you feel like it' could be said in a very kind, gentle tone, but i would have added explanation or something else to it. as it stands, like someone mentioned, it sounds flippant, abrupt, short.
personally, sienna, i think your gut is telling it like it is. i think you can trust it. if you're not feeling comfortable, if you don't believe you can ask her what you need to know, if you're not getting clear, respectful answers to your questions, if you don't feel like you can make progress on your issues because a bunch of crap is getting in the way . . . it sounds like your therapist is not a good fit for you. these are all issues you've addressed in your post. i personally think they're relevant, and they sound like they are preventing you from moving forward in your recovery.
besides, this isn't the first time you've written about this therapist in this way. maybe she's gonna be off in one session, for whatever reason, but this sounds repetitive. and, you're hurting as a result. not only that, like you said, you're not able to make forward progress. and, how could you with all these concerns from session to session?
so, i won't tell you what to do, but, like i said, i think you can trust your gut on this. it's not easy to leave a therapist, it's not easy to find another, one who is a better fit, but if you're not getting your recovery needs met, it sounds like you're wasting money and time. just my opinion. as always, best to you with this.
Hey Sanmagic7
I know about not being a good fit. My post wasnt to have validation that she is mean, though of course it crosses my mind..and i worry she is a narc or that she is playing mind games.
If were not a good fit and thats that thats cool..and maybe not being a good fit means that she isn't addressing things...or speaking to me in that relational..sort of way i need...
and i wonder if that means she is a bad therapist...i mean she says she works with PTsD and trauma etc....
but maybe they can be like that.
Maybe they are not all empathic. maybe I'm a bit odd and need empathy in places where most people wouldnt...i don't know...
thank you very much for your opinion on what i had written. I appreciate it very much, so thank you for taking the time.
I always worry that my gut is wrong.
And i worry that my gut is *my gut feelings*....and that they are not in conjunction with reality.
I mean, what if i distrust another therapist should i see another? What if its ME with the trust problem?
Sure i have trust issues...but I'm not sure if its the trust issues that is getting in the way...blinding me to something that is actually good.
. i personally think they're relevant, and they sound like they are preventing you from moving forward in your recovery.
Thanks.
Thank you so much Sanmagic7. I hope your doing ok.
I just want to offload a little...im not questioning anyones opinions here...or looking for answers.
Session was fine today.
I am paranoid that she is intentionally using the things i spoke about such as, my dad talking over me when i am talking annoys me..in purpose...
(with x lady friend who was a narc...she did this...her own defence mechanism...i wont go into the story...but she did this in an email..throwing personal things i had said to her and trusted her with, in my face...
T thought she did it to intentionally hurt me..
anyway..i feel awful that she felt so bad but my X had to bring up her behaviour with her but he did it in a respectful way.)
so yes..i expressed the concern when T asked me what I'm afraid of about opening up to her...
But i don't know if she is doing it now.
I hadn't finished talking..and she's never done this before..only by accident and apologised...but she started asking me another question...and i hadn't finished...(i would understand if i spoke too much but i don't speak enough)
i took a breath whilst i was trying to get the next words out...and she cut in with a question.
Everything in my being wanted to ask her if she knew i wasnt finished..but i squashed it and thought to myself, that this is a red flag to watch out for, and that ill see if there are any more that come up through out this session.
It might have been an accident and its too scary for me right now to ask her even in a nice way for fear of how she might react. I worry it would be unsafe with her in the room- just the two of us..and my crazy thoughts wonder if she would stop me from leaving if i had to leave.
It did remind me of my dad.
Maybe I'm blind to this stuff...but she is perhaps very subtle...
She also said, like she did another time, that i need to figure out what kind of relationship i want with my dad.
This time i said that I'm too angry with him at the moment to make a proper decision as to weather i want that or not...
and she said she was only suggesting that ..if thats what i want...
She said that dad does care about me, he just doesnt know how to care properly. He doesnt know how to be there for me.
One time she said *maybe your dad doesnt care about you*
So i said today, do you remember saying that dad might not care about me..and she said she doesnt remember...
Today- what i should have said to her, is that I'm confused...(just didnt think of it at the time)
I'm confused because she suggested that dad doesnt care about me...
(whilst also saying that his behaviour isn't his fault)
but today, she said that WHAT SHE MEANT -
was that he doesnt know how to care about me...but that inside himself, he does care about me.
She was surprised today that i thought that none of my family cared about me.
My narc mum I'm sure doesnt have the proper capacity to care about me. She used me by emotionally abusing me as it made her feel better...
She said that it is up to me to have a relationship with my dad
She asked if ive tried
i said yes...i told her about dad in the garden after my X sneakily rang him and dad was so invalidating.
She said that as dad wont change, unfortunately it has to be me that has to change in order for the relationship to work.
I was so angry and started having heart palpitations and tears-
i told her that the narc lady who was so damaging who left me...
she said that i am the one who has to make it right with my mum- because my mum isn't going to.
When i saw T for the first time...she said that that was wrong-
that i am still the child, and that i don't have to fix everything.
She said that if i want a relationship with him, i have to make the move.
I told her i feel ive tried everything. She went on about how dad is using vulnerability and being a victim to make me feel guilty.
I had to tell her the same story again - she forgets, which I'm not sure is her fault or not.
She said that if it was her, she would have it out with my dad ...(when i answer the phone to him which i try not to do too much)
She said this before...that the anger would be directed at the right person.
I feel its unsafe to do that, and with my mother who is a narc...in response to her messages, if i expressed my anger to wards her, i might suffer repercussions that are damaging to my mental health.
Im not sure Ts that experienced in narcissism...so she might not get it.
im not sure if letting anger out at parents is good advice...
she didnt offer an alternative to dealing with my anger.
Is that because i should have asked for one???
She says that as my dad is the better one out of him and mum, a relationship could be possible, but I'm not sure...
im not sure if a relationship will ever be a good one with my dad
and i told her that dad hurt me so much by not doing anything about my mother (even if its not his fault and he was scared). I thought he was my everything when i was little.
But she also said its ok to be angry with my dad, and that i should not be so hard on myself about my anger.
Mixed messages??
I feel like this T is twisting my head.
I leave feeling crazy, that my perceptions have been wrong all this time...that i misunderstood what she meant...but i remember what she said and they don't match up.
I cant even remember most of the session.
I couldnt help but say that I'm so confused..but she just lets me leave confused...because time is up.
i cant relax because I'm constantly trying to work out what she means, if things add up, if its a red flag.
She knows i feel bad after sessions but never questions out loud in the room- if it could be because of something she said.
Yet again, after this session , she said , i don't feel i have helped you much.
And truth is, she hadn't.
Something felt wrong. And i wonder...if its my own untrustworthiness, me just misunderstanding things- being so confused makes me feel like I'm crazy.
What does it even feel like when something feels wrong...
i should know because it did with my X,
but she is not him...so what if its me with the problem?
I also think she is a flight type. Thought it when she reacted the way she did to something i said once...
but she said she would just be angry and speak up to her parents ... so maybe she is a fight type.
Just needed to offload that. Thanks.
You're welcome, sienna. I'm sorry you're going thru this. :hug:
Aw, thanks Three Roses. Hope your doing ok :hug:
Three Roses, this is for you.
I am reading back through this thread (trying to figure some stuff out), and i realised that i didnt respond to what you said. I was foggy headed, and I'm sorry.
I don't know if your questions were thoughts, written down, which is ok, or if you wanted some answers to them.
"Its like i don't want the best for myself.
And i cant help it. Its like this cloud is over my head that wants to destroy me. It may be anger tuned inwards, but i don't have the energy to figure it out."
You said:
I totally relate to this statement!
Why don't I want what's good and healthy for myself?
It's a mystery to me.
Maybe because I've had to believe the lies people told me. So maybe now it's time for us to start uncovering the truth and seeing that we are "good enough" people, just like everyone else.
Self sabotage. How can i put it into words?
A belief- fear is installed in us, that we should not succeed.
Narc mother...parents abuse...
the mothers jealousy apparently, we sense it...we cant disapoit her by succeeding, yet we can be in a double bind-
pressure to succeed- and on the other hand- cant do too well otherwise she / he will ruin it for us.
Spartanlifecoach does a video on - Internal blocks to success
i think thats what its called
if you are interested in the answers to these questions...and your looking for them at the moment...
ah, here it is:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CZdbj1HCXAo
Theres lots of things online about narcissistic mothers (i only googled that)...and childrens blocks to success and why we self sabotage, though i didnt save any links.
:hug:
I've been meaning to start listening to the Spartan Life Coach for some time. Now I know why he is so highly recommended. Thanks for the link.
Thats ok Danaus! I would be interested to see what you think of him. :hug:
I find Richard Grannon entertaining and informative. I listen to him often. I started reading a bit on his site. I was just about to reply to his "Marriage is unfair to men" video when I had to leave for work. Good advice, if you view it from both perspectives. I may need to pay for his course on assertiveness before I interrogate a prospective spouse as he suggests. It all seems so practical and business like the way he puts it. I married for love. We stayed together till death did us part. Ten years later I'm still in love with my dearly departed husband.