I am a new poster and as I have read through these messages I have been surprised at the amount of aha moments.... I have felt alone and like I dont fit in my whole life. I had a very tough and sad upbringing where I didnt really connect with anyone healthily.
As a result I have struggled through my adult life especially connecting with others. I am a recovering people pleaser/ caretaker and
I dont have any close relationships at the moment. Im just sick of feeling resentful and taken advantage of... For which I know I am partly responsible for because I give too much.
Its just so hard today and I just wonder is all this effort to connect with others even worth it?
I have this human need to connect with others that I just dont feel capable of doing :'(
Welcome, Cc! :wave:
Quote
I have this human need to connect with others that I just dont feel capable of doing
I relate to this big time.
Thanks mourning dove. Its nice to hear I am not alone in that thought. 😀
Welcome, cc! Good to have you here.
I know I need connecting with others but I just don't have the energy it takes. I'm just giving myself permission to feel what I feel right now.
Hi three roses :wave:
I think your stance demonstrates good self care, it is certainly better to just give ourselves permission to feel what we feel.
I can be so hard on myself at times, mostly compassionate but I have this urge to have myself 'fixed' which I know is not helpful or caring to myself but after years of working hard to improve myself it is how I feel somedays especially when Im exhausted.
Quote from: Cc on July 23, 2016, 03:00:08 PM
Its just so hard today and I just wonder is all this effort to connect with others even worth it?
I have this human need to connect with others that I just dont feel capable of doing :'(
I feel you. I think it's worth it. It takes time. Baby steps. I try to think "good enough is good enough" with each interaction I have with people. Sending you big Love. I imagine that you probably are capable, but that it just needs to feel okay first, which is totally healthy. You can slowly acclimate to socializing with people if you'd like to, ease yourself into it in your own timing. And if you are ever too overwhelmed, then it's okay to be where you're at too. We have to remember that our sensitivities and responses are normal ways of dealing with abnormal situations. Keep showing yourself compassion. Honor yourself, it's okay.
I try to remind myself that Shame is a social emotion. And the brain is a social organ. I believe our wounds lie in the realm of being social, and that eventually, so will our healing. In the meantime, thank you for sharing here and being real. Respect & Love to you!
Hi cc
Thank you for posting.
I really relate to what you are feeling and experiencing.
I can see I have made progress with the people pleasing / care taking and we all here have made progress in all areas on some level it is just that as you say when tired or overwhelmed or just plain fed up
It is harder to see and get dispondent.
I am currently spending time with a friend ( who also has cptsd) and it's interesting as I am picking up on her emotionally difficult times and also because she is the 'unsure needy type ' and I am the 'don't worry I'll help you type ' I am seeing my self more clearly
It is good because we talk about it but it is draining too
For me this codependency stuff is hard to get at as it can be sneaky
I have found the coda fellowship helpful (coda 12 step programme ) see on line for meeting in your area and also melody Beaty ( author on the subjects we are talking about and she writes how to practice ways to heal further
It's def a work in progress for me and sometimes i can relapse but as you say compassion for self and the little one inside is important
We had yrs of thinking about others hey
sweetfreedom & boatsetsail
Thank you for your replies and kind words of encouragement. I have been just finding my feet with navigating replies on here!
Whats so good about this forum is I can actually can see how much progress I have made with the issue of connecting since posting this initial comment.
Its amazing how much healing can be done when you focus on yourself and loving and caring for yourself.
Hello, new member here :) 20 years suffering, thinking it's all about just being strong and talking yourself out of all the pain ... only to learn very recently that no matter how strong, I need help. So lot's of healing to do but this post struck close to me ... about the people pleasing and being a caretaker. I have struggled with this big time and only now am realizing it is a side effect of Complex-PTSD. I give so much love and worry so much about making other people happy, go out of my way to do it, become a doormat for them to walk all over just to see them happy ... but it leaves me so lonely, sad, and depressed. I can't understand it or make sense of it. Why do I do it? Why can't I stop putting myself out there when I see someone does not care or appreciate? I am lucky to have some very good friends who do reciprocate my love but they are all my girlfriends. I have not dated much but the few men I have liked, it has been this relationship of where I right away commit all my love and energy to them even when they obviously do not care to reciprocate, only take. They take and take and I give and give .... I don't understand why I can't stop myself? I wonder is it lack of self-love?
I can relate to this and I know it is difficulty setting boundaries. It is hard for me to say no and even harder to say no and not feel horrible, either bad I did or feeling I lost someone. Difficulty setting boundaries is common with CPTSD. I also know that it was something I did to survive. The problem is, like so many other things I do, it is no longer helpful or necessary.
I have to work on it one day at a time. The first thing I learned is to think about it, and if the person pushes for an answer it is always no. I can go back and change a no. I love that I know longer feel I have to return text messages from my ex-husband. I actually enjoyed it when he sent a text asking if I was ignoring him. I use to panic at his texts.
I still don't have connections to others really (one good friend across the country) but I am taking steps. This site is teaching me about connections, healthy relationships, and what friends really are.
I can relate to this too. Welcome dees. I am new too. Your post has similarities to my life. I have found lots of good info here and counseling has helped. Pete Walker's book, Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving, also helped me. I can only speak to my personal experience and having done lots of reflection I have concluded a main issue for me is that I have never felt loved. I tried to be there for everyone else I now believe from wanting to be loved. Trying to earn it. At the time I thought i did it only because I loved them, but I had no limits to protect myself from being used. It comes from a very primitive wound that I don't believe can ever be healed. Each hurt after by people I love is a direct shot to that core wound. In doing for everyone else I neglected me and did not love myself. I was internalizing everything, starting in childhood, believing something is wrong with me. That I was damaged, unworthy and unlovable. Yes, for me it included a lack of self love. It has taken an awakening to why I feel that way and especially an understanding that the behaviors of others was about them, their own issues and not me. It has been very freeing to understand but I struggle with the sadness and stay pretty isolated. I know the feeling of wanting to be alone. I am though trying to take better care of me. To love myself. I don't know if this helps but I hope things get better for you soon.
Welcome, Dees! Thanks for joining. :wave:
Hey Cc.
QuoteI have been surprised at the amount of aha moments.... I have felt alone and like I dont fit in my whole life.
Oh yes, can relate.
I am sorry you have difficulty connecting to others. I have read from Pete Walker that interpersonal relationships are especially hard and is where most of our triggers lie because we were hurt in our first experiences of interpersonal relationships.
Most likely, you were forced into the roll of pleasing others and taking care of others needs earlier in your life, that your own were not forfilled- sense feeling resentful. If you are giving too much to others in your life now, i just want you to know that its not your fault.
People are taught certain ways to be, and maybe you were taught this.
AND no matter how you are- no matter if you are giving too much than you are getting back-
that does not give anyone reason to mistreat you- it doesnt make it *ok*.
I wonder too if people are worth connecting too. Thought that people are all just the same, that they will let me down also.
but then i try to hold onto the hope that, I am attracting what happened to me, through other people and am attracting other who share the same view i have of myself. - who treat me the way i think i expect i should be treated.
I know i have my own wounds to work through, therefore my own wounds slot into the other persons like a jigsaw piece- and thats not my fault.
I understand totally what you are saying about your doubts with others .You have every right to doubt as you may have bene hurt. You have every right to distrust.
it is a lot to try to connect when you have been hurt / used etc. in relationships.
I would say, if you are able to, to remember that and to be patient and gentle with yourself. In time, with healing, it will come. :hug:
CC- Count me among those who share your experience. There are a lot of us!!!!!!!!!!!! It's especially hard to reach out your hand to connect with others after it's been slapped a few times. My few attempts at forging adult friendships resulted in me being taken advantage of emotionally and financially. One "friend" even moved out of state without telling me!
:wave:
Hi, I'm new to the forum as well and can also relate to many of the emotions and experiences being shared here. I've a Wife and 2 kids and still struggle with lonliness, feeling understood and overwhelming fear at times. It's great too see that there are so many good compasionate people on here that can relate and are supportive. Many wishes of peace and love for everyone here. And also thanks for having the courage to share with others.... such is not easy.
Hello and welcome, T3b+ :wave:
"I have this human need to connect with others that I just dont feel capable of doing"
I feel this statement keenly. I only feel I can connect when I am there for others. If I need someone to be there for me I cannot handle the fear of the possibility of rejection or indifference, so I don't build trust with anyone or if I have done in the past it is very easy for this trust to be eroded.
I work as a carer and because of my codependency I am very good at my job. I struggle when people run me behind time because I need to be assertive. I dislike dealing with the management.
I have more or less abandoned any hope of a close friendship or a long term intimate relationship. This is a bit of a glum place to be but I have been sucked dry yet again and I am trying to recharge the batteries, so to speak.
Thanks for sharing your truth, it has helped me feel less alone. I'm glad you have found hope since your original post. :)
:heythere: Hi Obscured,
Welcome - I haven't seen you around before, so I'm guessing you are new.
I know what you are saying about connecting with others via giving to them but not feeling able to receive, and fearing rejection. You are in good company here. You are not alone.
I'm working on changing my way of being in the world. My new year's resolution will be to ask for help and favours, force myself to. It sounds like you've been walked over and taken advantage of, it very often goes with the territory and can lead to a downward spiral. Don't despair of meaningful relationships. This can be turned around. Just think of the three most obnoxious people you know. Do they have relationships with others? If they can, good, caring and sensitive people like us can! That's my philosophy.
I'm glad you have joined us and hope to hear more form you. I hope you don't mind me sending a cyber-hug because I feel for you. :hug: