starting this out of desperation. hope it's ok to dump this here. i know i can fill out worksheets that have spaces for what you ate and how you felt when you ate it but i don't do well with journaling unless i have an audience. i grew up feeling like no one noticed anything because they didn't so doing things that no one sees just makes me feel worse.
anyway
here's what i had today
half cup of pasta with olive oil-i wasn't going to eat this and once i started i knew the day would become a binge day
half gallon grapefruit juice
two small brownies
two candy corn pieces
couple handfulls pumpkin seeds
cup fried breaded green beans
two cups chocolate milk
skinny vanilla latte
half cup sesame seeds
half cup beans
half cup greasy chicken, the last remnants left on the roasted whole chicken before i tossed the carcass
that'sall i remember
a lot of this was eating after clients and response to stress
also after the gym in response to stress
stress is the feeling of doing something wrong, making mistakes, saying the wrong thing, not being perfect, being fat and inappropriate and not witty or smart
i always think of my mom and how somehow it's related to her and also related to not being perfect but thinking of her is the distraction that causes me to make the little blunders. it's not that i'm trying to be perfect. it's just that i do things that i didn't want to do and say things that aren't me. it's like i'm not even making my own mistakes; i'm acting like some other person i don't like and the mistakes or faux pas situations aren't even me. i can't laugh at myself for example.
this isn't fun.
i looked up some cbt worksheets but i'm going to try this first. maybe this will get me over my fear of admitting what i'm doing to myself.
I have issues w/binge eating too. How do you feel about seeing comments here? I think this is a great idea for you to post here.
I know sometimes I feel like I'm swallowing a lot more guilt w/my food than is necessary and it looks to me like you made some pretty health choices in this list of foods even if the guilt and feelings leading to the eating were unpleasant?...
I know there are a lot of good videos on Katimorton.com (or look her up on u tube) about eating disorders. You may want to check some of those out and see if there's any good info for you. I go from eating anything that is not tied down to not eating anything. I really don't enjoy eating, just do it to sustain life :)
I need comments . I have to turn this into something comprehensible.
I don't keep anything unhealthy in the house. I've been trying to plan binges once a week and I will go to the store and allow myself whatever I want with the idea that I won't binge more than that one day a week (one hour a week was my former rule which kept my weight stable ). Anyway yesterday wasn't supposed to be a binge day so I didn't go anywhere and only ate what I had at home which would have been fine if I hadn't already had a junk binge the day before .
I will look her up.
I do ok if I make rules and follow them but lately my brain seems to be on break all rules mode.
I'm not so much a binge-eater, but I have a troubled relationship with food.
I posted some thoughts/experiences/memories on it here:
http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=2898.0
Perhaps you'll find it interesting or helpful. Perhaps not.
I had read that post earlier....
My memories of food in my house: My mother was a good cook. Not gourmet, just hearty stews with rice. She was health conscious and would dish out a bowl of cooked vegetables in a hearty broth and eat it with gusto, commenting on how delicious it was and how I should try it and how wonderful the vegetables looked. She didn't always make me finish, the way people do in some households, and would say just finish the meat or something like that. But my dad, if he was around, would make me sit and finish every bite and sometimes I would feel stuffed. When he left the room I would try to sneak it back into the pot.
I think those memories of being with my mom, getting some comfort food, were the few good memories I have. When no one else was around and especially when dad wasn't there to make me finish food I didn't like.
this is making me sad.
this morning i got up and had coffee and resisted the urge to put any milk in it which would trigger another day of eating. just black coffee. i ate enough for a week over the last two days and i feel stuffed and uncomfortable. sometimes there's a thought in my head that if i'm uncomfortable in any way eating will fix it, which doesn't always make sense. i feel better when i don't solve every problem with comfort food and the problem is that i need it to be comfort food made by someone else. making myself a salad does nothing for me. my mother didn't make salad; she made stew. i guess i could cook food the way she did because it was healthy but somehow that is not something i allow myself. i tried that and what happens is that after i eat it, and enjoy it, i have to punish myself afterwards with an unhealthy food that my mother would disapprove of like donuts. i remember my sister was 14 and had a job at a donut shop and my mom commented on how unhealthy american food is and how fat my sister was getting. forget that she was responsible and hard working and took care of us when mom should have been doing it. forget that she reported me being abused when i was 6 and was dismissed; they accused her of having a crush on the guy and didn't believe her. she ended up getting good grades, was social and became a doctor and took care of my parents. yes, very fat and probably an eating disorder. forced to marry someone but made it work. anyway. i don't know if that's related to my need to eat junk food after i eat healthy. maybe a sense of being loyal to my sister. my mom had a way of creating a rift between her kids by putting us down. she would tell me things that implied i was better than my sisters. i felt like i was special in a weird way but it didn't make me feel good entirely; it made me feel like i wasn't part of the family.
a couple years ago when i talked to mom for the last time i called my younger sister and said i don't know what happened, she was so mean. i thought mom liked me best and it doesn't seem like she likes me at all. my sister's response was, what are you talking about? mom never liked you. then she said, don't feel bad, she never liked any of us ever.
i went on katimorton and found the link to psychology tools. i'm going to look through the worksheets. scared but going to do it.
you know what, tired, i really admire the way you are always determined to find answers even when you're feeling so bad at times. you're incredibly strong. do you think you are dealing with so much of this stuff around your mum now becos of her recent attempted breaches of nc? it seems to have triggered a lot of things in you that seem to me to be directly related to the recent struggles.
which makes me think that you are even more amazing for the way you keep working at finding solutions. thanks for keeping going. it helps me to see that it's possible. :hug: :hug: :hug:
Quote from: tired on November 13, 2015, 11:49:19 AM
my sister's response was, what are you talking about? mom never liked you. then she said, don't feel bad, she never liked any of us ever.
Ouch!
:hug:
dear Tired.
Not at all hungry but the car dealership has free hot chocolate. Hoping that since it's mostly water and 80 calories it won't trigger me to eat. Hard to pass up free food and they have little snacks while I'm waiting.
So tired and falling asleep. I had a coffee too with cream and sugar.
Anyway
I really like katimorton's videos, she seems so down to earth and explains things where anyone can understand. She started her work in working in a place for eating disorders and I think that's her true love. But she has expanded out so much more because people wanted more. Don't know how many times I've had a question about something and I go search her videos and find something to help. It's just a good resource for me. I know she has some worksheets for SH and ED and she plans to expand that list.
my mission today seemed to be finding something i can eat that won't trigger me. i got some frozen grapefruit juice and ate it with a spoon which ended up being about 400 calories worth.
then i was preparing dinner and i couldn't resist and ate all the skin off of a chicken. i' m trying not to worry about it because that will make me eat a billion calories. hopefully i will fall asleep before i get to that point. i started to notice how i was feeling and it was a rebellious in-your-face emotion as if someone is saying you can't eat and i'm saying oh yeah watch me. i read that a chicken breast skin is only 50 calories so if you figure four times that i had 200 calories plus 400 plus maybe 100 so that's still only 700 calories for the entire day . i don't feel hungry at all, still super bloated from the last two days. my main concern isn't to watch calories but just to avoid foods that trigger me to eat. for example i could have had a salad which would have been less than 700 calories and healthier, but it would trigger me to eat for some weird reason. i think i start to panic that i won't digest the food so i'm more likely to eat things that seem to digest easily but unfortunately they are also calorie dense. so even on my non binge days i allow myself for example butter, which to me feels like not-food. so i don't panic. butter, juice, water, it's all the same to my brain. i'm trying to add in the chicken skin to that category and convince myself that i can digest it and it. when i eat normal food like vegetables i think, ok i'm going to be sick today so i may as well eat all kinds of crap because apparently i've turned today into a sick day. i'll think, ok if i'm going to be bloated i may as well take this opportunity to have a pizza, since it won't really matter.
i think really though, the rebellion is a bigger theme. i mean the obsession with certain rules comes after the emotions. then it all becomes habit and i can't stop.
so stupid.
I read up a lot about "flexible restraint" as it relates to eating at one point. Often those of us w/eating issues struggle w/flexible restraint. I find myself on one side or the other and struggling to find that middle ground. In other words I either want to eat only sugary, fatty foods all the time or I simply don't feel hungry and don't feel up to eating anything...neither of which is healthy. But, I'm learning to find that middle ground and when I do it's great. I too try to have one day a week where I can get whatever treats appeal. In fact I lost a lot of weight during a time w/a weekly very large chocolate chip cookie.
I wonder about the rules you mention...they work sporadically w/me...I find that if I feel "deprived"of treats I'm more likely to overeat. Lately I'm trying to find healthier treats like yogurt w/granola or frozen cherries & dark chocolate.
I gained a lot of weight when I had a baby and I had a rule that I could eat any treat I wanted if I only had one bite. That worked but I didn't have the weird mental thing I have now. I'm obsessed with my digestion. I did ok for awhile on a very low fiber diet. Then it just got out of hand.
I do well if I figure out a rule that I can follow. Right now I don't know what that would be. It seems like my rule is get fat and ruin your life.
I found a lot of help from the book, Eat to Live by Dr. Fuhrman. He has a cookbook to go with it now.
Have been using this plan since June and it really agrees with me. Let me know if you would like more details.
I'll look it up. A lot of plans work if you do them. No plan -- never works.
I had another half gallon of grapefruit juice , a half cup of coconut , a few tsp honey, a grande skim latte, and a pat of butter. I worked out a lot. So tired.
I also had a kombucha drink . I keep forgetting all the crap I eat. I keep telling myself I should sit and have a meal instead of acting like a raccoon stealing scraps.
don't have any brilliant suggestions, tired, but i am standing with you here. you are doing fine despite all the stress and pain that the food thing is causing you. just wanted you to know i am supporting you. :hug: :hug: :hug:
thank you
i'm going to make assigned mealtimes. then whatever i'm going to eat will be during that time. that might help. i had tea this morning with stevia; wanted some caffeine without the hassle of coffee that might involve milk or cream.
<<kombucha drink >> What is that?
synergy kombucha is a drink that has some carbonation but is healthy. which is why i drink it. it's expensive so usually i have club soda but kombucha isn't quite as carbonated. it has probiotics which i imagine are good for my digestion, assuming i have any digestion happening.
i had a bit of coconut and honey today, more than i should have, and a pat of butter. also a pint of grapefruit juice so a total of probably 800 calories of weirdness.
and also after i wrote that i was going to have mealtimes i immediately forgot about it. i remembered later in the day then forgot again. maybe it doesn' t matter. i don't eat for health or to eat i just eat so keep away the binge. that's all . my only goal is to keep myself from getting so hungry i binge so basically i eat small amounts of dense food so i won't get hungry at all. if i had a salad, i would feel bloated but still hungry because a salad is mainly air and bits of sticks.
I eat once a day, but am a night eater. I get up several times during the night and eat, so I try to leave out or have available something healthy to eat. Most of the time I don't remember getting up and eating, just see the evidence in the morning.
the last few days all i've had has been coconut, honey, butter, kombucha and grapefruit juice. and cider.
today it was an eating day but i didn't want to eat crazy bingey so i didn't go to the grocery store to buy crap food. i did eat what i had at home plus two nonfat lattes. what i had at home:
chicken, sausage (low fat), beans, four tiny brownies, crackers with butter, yogurt, apple, bit of pear, spaghetti squash, sugar free chocolate milk (nonfat). trail mix. that's all i remember.
hate myself for the brownies. i ate the trail mix then felt guilty and punished myself with brownies.
Can't seem to lose weight. I started exercising more, a lot more, and that helped me eat/binge less. I did too much and got tired though. Not injured but just tired. It made me angry.
My mother tried to call or at least I think it was her calling from my brothers phone . He would have left a message. It made me want to hurt myself with food .
Yesterday for the first time in weeks I had a few minutes of being hungry and it was the oddest thing. I thought well maybe I'm getting better because normal people will get hungry then eat.
Try the rule I used when I quit smoking. When ever I wanted a cigarette I did jumping jacks, or some kind of exercise. Jumping jacks were easy to do since they can be done anywhere. I hate to exercise, so this was my punishment for wanting the cigarette :) It worked for me :)
I have an exercise bike I really hate but I can put the laptop on it. I'm going to try that. Every time I feel like having something with a crapton of calories I will get on the bike and write something here.
I think moving my body will help because eating this way is basically giving up. When I do it my emotion is "I don't give a crap anymore". I mean who cares if I'm overweight. I won't be the first overweight fitness trainer in the world. Or worse, I give up on life entirely and think ok I've lived a long life and I have done a lot and in the past I've been in great shape. I experienced all life has to offer and then some. Maybe I can just give up. A lot of people give up and why can't I . Anyway exercise is the opposite of giving up.
I had Ritalin red bull and grapefruit juice today. I'm not at all hungry.
i got slightly better the last two weeks and lose a pound or two. not bad considering thanksgiving. i've also been working out more which makes me feel better. i started walking faster and got to where my body hurt so i guess i pushed myself, which is good. i don't make it to the gym every day so i end up with rest days anyway.
today i ate some christmas cookies we made otherwise ate a lot of chicken and turkey and basically food, not junk. i don't know if my body digests protein. i feel like it sits there but maybe it's my imagination.
i feel bad about the cookies and i'm hoping it won't send me over the edge. i've been staying away from fast food and junk . my house is full of food that is easy to binge on but healthy like prepared vegetables and meat and sweet potato. i had so much meat today i have no appetite so the rest of the cookies are safe. it's pretty low to basically steal cookies from children. i mean they are made for a kids' party.
anyway. that's that.
This is the one are in life where I am making little progress
some progress is better than no progress :) Hang in there.
i seem to turn to food every ten seconds lately. i started putting juice into the freezer in containers and when i have the urge to eat something i grab that. somehow i get satisfaction from the activity of hacking into the slush. it gives me something to do. i think i get restless and unfocused and can't function and the things i need to do are big tasks. eating a snack is a small task.
i want to change and i want to stop being miserable so i want a symbolic act that ends this way of living. so i indulge in one last binge to say goodbye to abnormal eating. this is the last one i tell myself. i had two mcdonalds cheeseburgers last week which is the kind of food i haven't eating in years; my binges are just large portions of my usual healthy diet. but i told myself, i'm going to take a week off of my routine and heal myself once and for all and before i do, i will eat the worst crap i can think of. then i did some unpleasant tasks like paperwork that i was avoiding, and then i started working out again. i stretched, which i tend to avoid. basically my strategy is to do things i avoid . it's like that saying, nothing changes if nothing changes. i don't know what it will take to fix myself but i know what i've been doing isn't working so i'll do something different. and if i find that something works, i'll keep doing that.
As I read through this thread I was so struck by the constant battle you have with food that you have tired, I am the same. Long story short, I have gained and a lost a few small children several times over the years and nothing I have done so far seems to get at why this is the case.
Through CPTSD though I think part of what is happening is that comfort food is the one thing my Inner Child steadfastly refuses to give up for long. It was my only source of comfort as a child, and got me through many lonely, frightening, empty times. When everyone was asleep at night I would get some food (junk food typically) crawl into bed and eat, lay there feeling comforted by the food and safe because my FOO were asleep. When the word "diet" comes up nowadays I can feel her freeze up at the mere thought. I wasn't aware of that before getting into recovery.
Anyway, here I am I'm 60 and still doing the same thing. At least I know now that part of this is related to struggling with younger me over taking away this long-time comfort, eating treats at night which makes everything better and safe. What to do about this, that's the question! My gut is telling me I need to stop both battling with her and giving in to her as well, neither is good for me. I guess that leaves replacing food with other healthier comforts, finding healthier foods that are comforting, being compassionate about why food ended up being a reliable source of comfort and love (i.e., deal with the feelings that need comforting), teaching her about nutrition and exercise in a fun way rather than imposing it on her and not be perfectionist.
I don't quite know how to go about this, but like you tired I just want to stop fighting myself over this. Nothing changes if nothing changes I agree so maybe trying to deal with eating from a CPTSD recovery perspective might help.
Just saw this interesting article Butterfly posted in another thread - https://stopstressweight.com/is-stress-causing-your-weight-gain/
This is such a frustrating thing for me. I was doing well for a long time and sometime after the drama and nc with mom I decided I was going to cope by eating. I really do feel that element of choice.
Once the habit started it stuck as habits do. I tell myself what I tell clients- you developed a bad habit and you can just as easily develop a different better one. There are after all other ways to get comfort and you chose this one.
The problem I'm having is not wanting to make the better choice.
I made a list of things that bother me that I want to change. I want to put my clothes away, I want to finish my paperwork. After two weeks I realized some of those things were getting done. I also saw that eating issues was not on the list . I don't get specific enough and thats the problem. You can't just say don't eat. Or only eat healthy. It's not always obvious what's healthy and there isn't always an answer so over the last few days I ate a lot but it was all healthy. However massive amounts is never healthy.
I'm thinking today I will write down some specific things . I have to ignore outside influences ex people might say a certain food is good for you but for me it happens to trigger a binge. Why is complicated but it doesn't matter. I tell clients that I won't tell them what foods to eat but o will give them nutritional guidelines and so for myself I have to pick only those foods that don't trigger me and as long as not deficient in anything I shouldn't change it.
I am hoping that like everything else spelling out a plan will make it happen. It has to be specific. I have to eat something -I can't just not eat.
Anyway I am so heavy now and upset at how much I ate although it was more protein than usual. Last night my daughter got ice cream and I asked for 100 calories worth which guess what is a very tiny amount. She duct taped the package neatly and put it into the freezer so we wouldn't be tempted to finish it. I wasn't tempted which was surprising but maybe it was due to the protein which I rarely eat. I wasn't hungry.
Last week I exercised a lot and I told myself that I should focus first on exercise before I worry about food amounts. At the end of the week I started to worry about muscle mass and strength hence the protein. Now I'm ready to focus on the amounts I eat .
I want to also make it a rule that I can only eat out of a plate and I have chosen a nice set and a tray. I'm debating the chopsticks haha. It's always good to appreciate food. I feel wasteful when I binge and I don't think it's right in a more general sense. I don't agree with our culture of self indulgence . (Maybe I am somehow seeing our culture this way ) Not for looks and not even just for physical health. It doesn't seem mentally healthy to overindulge in anything just because we can. When I tell people things like this they think I'm saying women should be thin because that's prettier and it makes mad. It's not about that. It has nothing to do with looks except for the fact that my bloated belly reflects my decision to give up on life and punish myself for hurting my mother .