Out of the Storm

ok, i'm gonna start a journal here becos it helps, i think, to share stuff with people becos it solidifies your thinking and invites feedback.

today is the first day of my new journal. :wave:

in pursuance of my new do-it-yourself approach to therapy (having sacked my T and run out of £ for more, due to an unexpectedly huge car repair bill  :sadno:)  i have just started reading the Pete Walker book on Cptsd.  i can only read a few pages at a time becos i find it really triggering altho also really helpful. (also i am in the middle of changing meds, coming down off one before starting another, which means i am very emotional)

i have over the last week or so been introduced to the idea that it is ok for me to feel all of my feelings, good, bad, ugly. that i can lose all the xian and familial taboos that have screwed the lid on my emotional life for decades.  that has been mega.

also i have realised that i can do self compassion and self protection. in other words i can learn to be kind to me and to stand up for me. again a totally novel concept when applied to me (sadly, as a 'good' xian, wife, mother, carer, rescuer,  i've always been very good at doing it for everybody else, but me? nah)

today i read about 'reparenting', and was partic moved by the idea of imagining going back in time and standing up for the little person that was me. this is what happened when i did it. i had a good cry about it as it happened.

if I could go back in time. (refathering - Pete Walker's book)

If I could go back in time the first place would be to the very beginning when you joined the jp. I would go back, find you, little girl-woman that you were, and I would get you out of there. I would get you out of there, before he (N, the main leader) had a chance to steal your soul. I would save you from his shouting and screaming and bullying and his making you feel guilty for everything you were, all the time. I would save you from his power, from the fear he put into you, from the annihilation he carried out on your selfhood, from his theft of your right to say no, to protect yourself,  I would stop the way he stormed over all of your soul, invading all of you, and took control of you, the warping of your mind and the twisting of the faith you brought in with you. I would protect you from him, I would save you from becoming just another object upon which he wrote his story, just another object of his need for godlike authority. I would save you from all that was evil there. I would get you out of there even if it meant running away secretly with the clothes you stood up in and never going back. I would never let all that stuff happen to you. You would be safe.

And then I would go further back. I would make mum well so that she wouldn't have gone away from you. She would have been at home with you when you needed her so badly and then you wouldn't have been so scared all the time and so alone.

And then I would go further back; I would stop that man molesting dad when he was little and I would stop his parents from rowing all the time; I would make him have been a happy boy and grow into a happy man who could love you like a proper dad. I would make him have loved you and liked you and thought you were valuable, not a nuisance.

that's it for now. thanks for the space to do this. thanks if you take the time out to read.

 :wave:

 :hug: I am sending you a hug, but I also wanted to say that when I read your post I thought of this little emoticon, of today arpy hugging (and protecting and loving) young arpy who had to deal with so much on her own.

thank you honey, i think she was a bit short on the hugs for a while back there  :hug:  it's weird how hard it is to do this stuff.

ok.  it is now nearly two weeks since the therapy disaster that sent me spiralling down into a big fat EF for days.  i have tried to handle this one self-compassionately and not beat myself up about it, and not force myself to function until i was ready. it's the first time i have had the presence of mind to do that, but it has still been two weeks when i haven't been able to cope with much.

hence, the flat is a mess, i have just about got enough laundry done to have clean clothes (and now the washing m/c has sprung a leak so someone will have to come in and fix it which is another thing to worry about) - and the washing up is, as usual, an ever-increasing pile.     my 'things to do list' is a mile long and sits there reproaching me all day while i veg out in front of stupid movies and wildlife documentaries. and i can't help it. i can't function. i just can't make myself tackle that stuff.  it is like a huge mountain again. i guess when i can, i will bitesize it again and get it under control but at the moment it's more that i can do. and it's frustrating.

but....i was quite proud becos for the first time in nearly two weeks i made myself go to the gym yesterday. alright, i didn't get there till 5pm and it was hard to make myself go through my whole programme, but i did it.  trouble is i then pigged out on choc. i was going to reward myself but as usual went way over the top and instead of one bar, stuffed two, and loads of snax to boot.  i try so hard to do 'moderate' but somehow i just can't do it specially with choc. and it makes me feel so bad with myself. but at least i didn't get the bottle of wine. so that was something.

i feel like jekyll and hyde so often.  i can be being perfectly rational and sensible one minute and then suddenly i get afraid or anxious or whatever and rationality goes right out the window and i am in scared, unthinking panic mode.  or i can be both at the same time. it is so tiring, so unstable.

like this a.m i had a doctor appointment.  he is great, and he is probably the only person i have any trust in at the moment. and he was his usual kind, patient self. but i am always really nervous about going and i still was in a huge panic on the way home, going over everything i said, convinced that despite what he says to me,  he is totally fed up with me and thinks i am a stupid, neurotic, malingering, mad,  all sorts of things..  i am 58 yrs old, for pete sakes, and still so insecure it's embarrassing. 

i wish i could just be normal sometimes. :sadno:.....   but i did get to the gym yesterday, didn't i?.... :blink:

Quote from: arpy1 on September 21, 2015, 11:42:44 AM
but i did get to the gym yesterday, didn't i?.... :blink:

and:
- i have tried to handle this one self-compassionately and not beat myself up about it, and not force myself to function until i was ready. it's the first time i have had the presence of mind to do that,
-  at least i didn't get the bottle of wine. so that was something.
- [doc] was his usual kind, patient self.

Quotei am always really nervous [...] he is totally fed up with me and thinks i am a stupid, neurotic, malingering, mad,  all sorts of things.. 

I bet you're his favorite patient. But he can't tell anybody  ;) . Not even you.
Besides, it's his job. Which he loves and obviously is good at.

:hug:

heh heh, thanks DutchUncle, but i suspect he has trouble choosing between all the batty menopausal old women under his care....!!  he is exceptional at what he does though, i do count myself lucky, batty tho i am ;D ;D

I read that article on shame yestday and it reminded me of N and his appalling behaviours, the bullying and shaming tactics he used. The whole system he set up to first of all break down our boundaries and defences and then to systematically shame us into doing what he wanted. It was the clearest I have seen it.  It gets clearer each time I have a little lightbulb moment; like each tiny light combines with all the others to make a bigger light and the carefully crafted 'system', the whole sorry deception becomes more and more lit up and I feel angry that he got away with it for so many years – 40 years. 40. 40 f...ing years. And that he was doing it right up to the day of his death, sick and old as he was, he still was wrestling to keep his control over what happened to the church when he was gone. That really sums him up. He was a terrible, terrible man. And he ruled me for decades, both when I was there and when I wasn't. He still rules me today but only in the sense that I am struggling to lose the power and influence and damage and hurt he inflicted upon my soul and spirit.

Soul murder. That's a very evocative phrase. And that's exactly what he did to us. To me. He raped and murdered my soul, my very spirit, again and again and again.

God, no wonder I am so messed up.  I could probably have healed from the abandonment and attachment stuff from when I was a kid. I'm an intelligent woman and with a bit of help maybe, I could have healed. But this. The  JP, N. I don't know how to heal from it. And the 'help' I have had from therapy so far has been – well – to be kind, call it somewhat lacking.

I am feeling guilty today becos I am not doing much. I feel guilty for not cleaning, not hoovering the flat, for everything, eating too much yestday, not being proactive about things.  But in truth I feel down, sad, tired, physically wiped, anxious, unsure, a bit wired and weird. So why am I letting guilt make me feel worse?

Ok it's the weight thing. Becos I over-ate. And I feel bad in this ugly body. And I feel guilty becos despite four months of exercising regularly I don't really actually feel any better than I did when I started and I certainly haven't lost weight. I have gained it. Coming off the mirtazipine is supposed to fix this. But I am only a quarter of the way through the changeover, reducing mirtazipine and going back on a low dose of citalopram so I don't know why I should feel it necessary to beat myself up about it. Becos I haven't fixed it NOW? Becos I haven't made even a little progress? But maybe I can't expect any of those things to happen until I am established on citalopram on the right dose. Etc. etc. then I can start measuring progress and beat myself up, right? Not yet.

guilt. that's what is making me feel bad at the moment. guilt and the shame i acquired. the whole point about self compassion and self protection is that i don't condemn myself and i protect myself from unfair treatment. i am treating myself unfairly and condemning myself.  i guess that equates with the inner critic thing the PW book describes.  ok. so i have to protect myself from it. my inner critic. ought to give it a name. i shall call it The Bitch.  i have to learn to protect myself from the Bitch and not believe her all the time. 

do i have any real reason to feel guilty? right at this moment? nope. can't think of anything i have done that should be on my conscience. ok. so listen, Bitch, get lost. yup, that's it.

 :applause:
Awesome.
(so I'm left with a bit of a gaping mouth  ;) , unable to utter more.)
Awesome.  :thumbup:

Good for you for being the shark and chasing away guilt and shame Arpy :sharkbait: 

Send it back to N "Return to Sender" or off into space because it doesn't belong to you  :spaceship:

ok. it's a week since i wrote my journal irl and nearly the same here.  i have been in my Cave.  big time.  i am still in the middle of changing meds, and so altho i'm now on the new one, the dose is still very low. so is my mood.  makes me realise how much the others were working! not that that was ever at issue, it was the weight gain thing that prompted the change.  i just hope that when i am up on the therapeutic dose of this one, i will be functional again. and that maybe i can fit into all my clothes again. getting fed up with only being able to fit a third of my wardrobe.  :doh: 

for the present  though, i just feel dead from the neck up. it really is a bit of an endurance test, but i am determined to do it. i have to get rid of the weight before my health starts to suffer. 

it's weird. after i sacked my T i went all obsessive and started doing loads of reading and stuff. i was determined that i wasn't going to lose ground just becos that relationship turned out not so ideal.  i had to find my 'wise mind' about it all becos of the big EF the whole episode triggered but i managed to in the end - and i decided to just take from it the good bits, the progress i had made with her, and not throw the baby out with the bathwater just becos she was a bit too unprofessional for me to cope with any more. 

becos i did make progress, i think; i finally faced up to the screaming, sobbing woman in my head - and she seems to have calmed right down since. so that i think maybe she doesn't need to be a separate part of me anymore but can belong in 'me' somehow.  she's maybe not such a bad old stick once you get to know her! (when she shuts up with the screaming and sobbing already...) no, truth is i think she had a lot to be screaming and sobbing about.  i was just too afraid of feeling all the pain and fear she had locked up in her. so she had to be locked up too. but when i listened to her at last, 'the sky didn't fall', as someone posted somewhere. the world didn't end and there weren't any lions in the street. funny that. wish i'd known - i'd have got out more...  anyway, the good thing is, i feel like she's slowly fading away....

so, all in all, altho i feel pretty crap at the moment, i think i am actually doing ok. i just have to keep being kind to myself and not beating myself up about all the stuff i can't do for now, and give myself lots of pats on the back for the things i am doing.

...and i went to the gym today.... yay me.

thank you so much, i feel really affirmed. just needed that, right at that moment.  you r a very kind lady  :yes: :yes:

sleep well. and altho it's only 3pm here in northland, i am gonna take a wee power nap too...  :hug: :hug:

The last few days have been a struggle.  It has been rough, doing this changeover.  An endurance test, but when have I ever not been good at endurance? It's what I do!   But honestly, I am feeling so discouraged.

It occurred to me today that I have been on antidepressants for the best part of the last thirty years - half my life. That is a depressing thought! It basically means either I am an exceptionally weak person, or that my life has been crap.  I don't think I am weak, not considering what I have gone through over the years and stuck with and survived, and raised two kids besides. 

If I read the story of my life as someone else's history, I would think, you poor sucker, you got yourself really screwed, didn't you?  What a story!  I know it isn't any worse than anyone else's.  Unusual, maybe, but not that unique.  But I just haven't been able to cope with it. I have been depressed for most of it, quite often to the point of fervently wishing to die. 

And when I finally got wise and removed from it all the toxic parts and people, so I could start again clean... well, there's kind of very little left.

So I come back to this question that I have asked myself for the last four or five years: how on earth do you reconstruct your life from the foundations upwards when you have so little left, no internal and no external resources to speak of. When you are in such poverty of body and soul? How do you get resources and begin to rebuild. Is it even possible to build anything?  It seems impossible. Yet I have to try. I have to try becos I cannot bear the next couple or three decades, how ever long I have left of this sad little life, if I don't have something, make something that is worth having?  Even if it's small?  I can't aspire to anything big but a small, contented life would be great at this point.

Everything is hard. Everything. Just facing each day is hard.

I wish that I was able to pull myself together. I wish that I could feel I was making progress. I have been off work a whole year and I still feel so weak and broken. This constant struggling against fear and panic and pain is so tiring. I am scared I will stay trapped in this and never be strong enough to heal myself. 

But I just can't accept that that has to be the way it is. I'm driven by this imperative to heal, somehow, anyhow. It just feels so impossible, today. I am weary inside, today.

From my heart to yours arpy, my world is better because you are in it, because of who you are inside, the truths you speak, the pain you share, your generosity and caring nature   :hug:  I am genuinely richer for knowing you.  I hope you are able to take this small bit of care and fan it into a lovely, little fire that warms you.  :hug:

wow.Thank you dear Kizzie, what a sweet and kind thing to say. i really appreciate it. thank you :hug: :hug:

QuoteI have been depressed for most of it, quite often to the point of fervently wishing to die.

oh dear, i'm afraid that was this morning. again. (some years ago, i made a conscious and final choice that i will never allow myself to take action on the desire, becos i will never do that to my kids.  they have lost enough people, especially when the baby died.  i will not cause them that kind of pain. that's my choice even though i have to keep reminding myself when the desire gets its claws into me strongly) 

i was so grateful for your lovely post, dear sb, that i sat and cried. just becos you sounded like you cared about me even tho i am half a world away. so thank you, it really means a lot this morning. and thank you for the hug, the essence of which got here despite the distance!

i know that i feel this bad at the moment becos i am in process of changing meds and that when the new ones kick in i shall be a bit more human. i also know that i chose to do this change becos i need to get control of my body and my health. i have to just hang on for a bit longer and in a couple of weeks i may be able to start living a bit more actively.

you're right about the Inner World being the thing to concentrate on; and the three things, health, finance and relationships. it is a bit worrying that at the moment the only one i am working on is health.  i am still pushing myself to go to the gym, even tho tbh i find it unbelievably boring.

Van der Kolk's book The Body Keeps The Score   made me realise that i need to start to 'get back in' my body. for decades i have treated it with little more than disdain. the teaching in the cult was very much that we make our bodies submit to us (as we wear ourselves out in the service of God....)  and believe me, many of us ended up with 'burn-out', and still carried on... what a warped view this was and how cleverly manipulated we were to keep us under N's control. another thing i look back on aghast and wonder how i could have been so blind. and of course when i was married, my body meant nothing, becos i was caring for my husband's, (i was his 24/7 carer for years) we all revolved around him and his pain. and he made sure it stayed that way.   

anyway.  getting my body back, owning it and looking after it is the one thing i am making those baby steps in. my finances are slowly deteriorating the longer i am unable to work.  and the best i can manage relationship-wise at the moment is this forum.  the thought of interacting with people is enough to send me into EF territory so i choose isolation.

QuoteThis is where hobbies come in. I'm not ashamed to say I have plasticine, clay for baking, kiddie paints and crayons, sewing needles and lots of coloured threads, and a box of bits of old broken things that might be useful for who-knows-what one day. The biggest artform for me is gardening: cheap (often free) entertainment that's enjoyable, therapeutic and gratifying. In the horrible times when I had no garden, I'd have a mini-garden in the biggest tray I could find.

i love this, becos you sound like a woman after my own heart.  i have a room full of stuff. when i had to give up the pottery studio, i moved my bed into my lounge so as to create a workroom out of my bedroom. however, the sad fact is i have all the stuff i need, and a dear little patio to play in, i have no energy and so i am doing nothing. it's like there is a deep seated guilt about doing things that are fun. like i am wasting my time. and becos i know i should, that it would be good for me,  it becomes a huge pressure too - so that, strangely, i feel just as guilty about not doing those things.  i ruin my life with guilt. and then i feel too upset and depressed to do anything.  what an idiot!

I like reading this journal.  :thumbup:

:hug:

 :hug: :hug: :hug: D/U

o god, you are really good for me, sb! you make me laugh and make me feel heard, and make me feel like maybe it's not quite the end of the world yet! 

i am up for the holding hands with a bunch of us, round the tissue box, btw, but if you want me to dance, it'll have to be red wine  and chocolate.... i'll bring the bottle, you bring the choc, ok?  :thumbup: :thumbup:

ok. today.  this is what i learned:

today i woke up (as i often do) in a huge flashback. proper biggie, very upset, very afraid, totally tense etc etc.  so i got Mr Walker out and read the EF Management steps. and tried one or two, with mixed results i have to say, but at least i a) recognised quickly that it was a flashback and b) tried to manage it. 

i did my best to breathe and to do a bit of relaxation, which helped a tiny bit, but better than nothing. i tried to work out what was prompting it, and this is what i came up with:  i remembered i had a doctor's appointment today, and that i had decided to go to the gym.  (i meant to go yesterday but i only managed to go shopping and had to come home).

so, basically i woke up to two things 'to do'.  and that was the trigger. why?

well i realised that i have this terrible fear of having to do things.  in the cult (sorry, most things for me go back to that) there was constant activity. i mean, continual, unremitting, compulsory activity. didn't matter if you were exhausted, sick or what, the thing was that if you didn't want to do a particular thing, that indicated that you had a selfish, bad, independent heart (having a bad heart was the worst thing you could be)  and that you 'didn't love the Kingdom'.  so i learnt that no matter how much i didn't feel i could cope with a thing, i had to suck it up and get on and do it. willingly. and enthusiastically and with 100% committment (otherwise all the pejorative terms, selfish, bad heart etc applied anyway).  the one time i refused ( i was in the middle of a huge breakdown at the time, off sick, probably suffering from cptsd by that time already) to go to a meeting, i was told by the elder of the house that the terms of residence in the community included committment to attend 100% of meetings, therefore if i didn't go to this one, i couldn't live in the house.  this was my home  for god's sake, where the f was i supposed to go.  anyway, i flipped out, and immediately packed a bag and walked out. ( i think it shocked him; possibly he was just trying to call my bluff). i went and stayed at my brother's i think. i returned of course. i had no alternative. to leave the church was to be under the judgment of God.

anyway. then i finally left the church a while later and got married to my husband. and more of the same:  he was someone who retreated into his sickness when things got too much, so he was constantly 'dropping the ball' at the worst moment, leaving me to carry the responsibilities for the kids, the home, him, etc etc.  i could never rely on him. so again i was in  an intolerable situation with no escape and no choice but to suck it up and carry on. i had to cope now becos i had two kids. (three if you counted my husband... which i often did).

so i realise why i have this deep fear of 'having to do things', being forced to cope with the un-copeable,  having to force myself when i felt so exhausted and ill.   i ran on empty for decades. 

and, like you say, southbound, the truth is i am still  burnt out. deeply, completely burnt out.  so 'having' to do anything, even the smallest thing, just triggers me into a huge flashback.

when i told the doc about it he said that every time i share something about the JP he is more shocked about how awful and how dangerous it was/is. i guess that keeps on being a shock to me too, as new realisations hit me about just how much it wrecked my life.  it is so devastating to realise that my life was wrecked and damaged seemingly beyond my ability to repair it.

and yet, here i am, trying to repair it nonetheless. 

Quote from: arpy1 on October 05, 2015, 01:33:12 PM
today i woke up (as i often do) in a huge flashback. proper biggie, very upset, very afraid, totally tense etc etc.  so i got Mr Walker out and read the EF Management steps. and tried one or two, with mixed results i have to say, but at least i a) recognised quickly that it was a flashback and b) tried to manage it.

Awesome arpy1. Really. Baby steps. Two in one go even.  :thumbup:

This cult... They really did you in.  :thumbdown: What a forced labor camp.  :pissed:

Perhaps this webpage will help you a bit in distinguishing different types of commitment. It popped up immediately in my mind, so I think it might apply to what you posted today: the Forced Commitments you were coerced in.
http://www.traumahealed.com/articles/discover-your-core-commitments.html
Read at your leisure, or not at all.  ;)

:hug:

thanks, i just read it. ouch. several nerves touched. good article though. 

A few more  :hug: :hug: :hug: then.  :bighug:

now it's 9.35pm and i am just about winding down after an exhausting day in and out of flashing back to the JP and like these shocks keep going through me of just how bad it was, and just how much it has harmed me. i don't know why i still get a shock. can't understand why i haven't internalised the facts yet and can still disbelieve myself, even when i am in EFs like today.  it seems that something inside me just can't accept the truth of it.  still. after all this time.

it's been two years since i made my final exit. i still feel disloyal, like i am the traitor even tho i know that the truth is i was the one betrayed over so many years.  it is a mystery. maybe that's the purpose of horrible days like today has been; so i can finally believe what i know to be true.  what the doctor said about how shocked he feels every time i tell him something else about them helped me. kind of affirms that i am not making it all up, and that it was as bad as i think it was.

but whatever, now i feel like i have run a marathon. emotionally and physically exhausted.  very poorly in my mind.  i have to go to sleep! maybe tomoro will be better.

ok today is a very, very bad day. loads of 'community' dreams, EF on waking, did my best to go with it, stay in my body and feel my feelings, which helped, but now i just feel incredibly wiped and poorly in my head. 

i was supposed to go for a colonoscopy (to check progress or otherwise of the microscopic colitis) on friday, which involves a lot of nasty prep. just felt like i couldn't handle it, and have been getting more and more anxious (not the procedure itself, that's no problem, it's having to go and interact with humans and hold myself together etc.) so anyway i decided to do a bit of self care, and actually cancelled it. now i feel simultaneously guilty and relieved - and a bit proud of myself that it actually occurred to me that i didn't have to do it if i couldn't cope with it.  i guess i was still in 'i have been told that is what i am going to do therefore i must do it no matter what' mode.  funny how ingrained it is, so that it takes a while for me to realise i have choices about what i do.  i feel rebellious! idiotically.

southbound, once again, your kindness made me leak (from my eyes, obviously - hush!)    your validation of what i experience means that i feel heard. and when you're stuck alone and afraid in your own thoughts, that means an awful lot.

QuoteThat doc's a 'keeper'... It's as powerful as it is rare when someone expresses our 'frozen' feelings for us.

yes, it is rare, i am grateful beyond words for him.  he has asked me to see him fortnightly, notwithstanding my objections that it's not necessary and he's too busy etc.  and he has always said i can ring him any time if i need. what a treasure. i am expecting him to leave at any moment, altho when i admitted as much, he promised he wasn't going anywhere. humph, we'll see. he'll be the first person not to run out on me just when i trusted him, if so. 

QuoteI haven't seen the cult story on the forum and I'm now reasonably certain it isn't here. You haven't written it.

like you, i have a lot of stuff, journalling, letters etc on file, but i don't know that i am capable at the moment of pulling it all together into a coherent whole. pretty much like my head, it's all bits and pieces of memory that surface at different times, thoughts and feelings that rise up and overwhelm me and then subside into the mud again.

how to express it all? maybe if we could do that, we would have achieved that 'holy grail' of integration and transformed our experience into a narrative - apparently that is what is needed in order to be able to move on fully.... well, it sounds like a plan to me... :blink:

it really helped me to think of how i am feeling in terms of 'burn out'.  i had forgotten. but it is just like i was when i did burn out all those years ago.  only this time it is worse, deeper, and i can't seem to recover and bounce back like i managed to then. (or at least, i felt i had;  in retrospect, it was simply that i ran away into marriage (oh god, that was some refuge!) and never dealt with anything. not surprising then that it came back and bit me on the bum again, really.) oh crap. anyway, the term is useful becos it reminds me i am actually, genuinely ill, not lazy, selfish, self obsessed, weak, ridiculous etc etc... i have just burnt all my resources up.

i think today is going to be a day of nothing again. and, as far as i can manage, guilt-free nothing. i may wash up the dishes. at least i had a shower and got dressed.  and read a bit of Pete Walker, only a bit, but better than nothing. and i did go to the gym yesterday.... :applause:

why do i always feel such a liar when i say that i am ill????

Because the cult told you so.
You would loose everything when you were ill, so being sick must be a lie, you told yourself. In the few cases the cult didn't call you a liar outright.

Right?

:hug:

gulp. are you sure it's not just becos i am a liar, weak selfish etc etc......? :stars:   but this is 'all in my head'....  isn't it?

you're right, and it wasn't just mental illness. (good christians didn't have breakdowns or mental illness. if they did, it was selfishness,wilfulness, negativity, refusal to receive the healing of God... )

so much about me was disallowed. everything that didn't fit the model of being a'Kingdom sister'.

that just evoked a memory: i remember when i was in a breakdown, in about 1987, when i was living in one of the houses in the midlands, saying to the elder of the house... (same elder that told me i couldn't miss the meeting that time)... that i didn't know who i was, i just felt like 'Sister X' becos there was nothing about me that expressed any individuality or creativity that was just mine.  he just wasn't able to understand what i was talking about.   he kept saying 'but arpy1, you are a really good sister... which really i guess, said it all.

that was all i was required/allowed to be. a generic 'good sister'.  conformed. submitted.  and in no way different, or special or individual.  just sister X.  god.

I'm so sorry to hear that. Awful.

You probably know why you've left, even though perhaps not in words. And I'm happy you did. You bring a unique individual story to this site and the world. I love to have the one and only arpy1 around me.
Feel welcome to share all of you.  :hug:

thank you, dear D/U.  :bighug:   all this remembering is a bit painful, i must say! do you ever feel like you're sitting on top of a mountain that's just bubbling up under you waiting to explode? today seems to be one long flashback. sorry to be such a wimp but i think i am in pain :'(

Yes I do know that feeling arpy1.  :hug:

And it does hurt. Oh dear, does it hurt. Cry, shout, scream, sob. If you want and can. Or anything else you want and can.  :'(
It's OK. It does hurt.







Definitely dance and sing and smile and shout and yell when this EF is over.  :hug:

 :hug: :hug:

today. ok. well...

woke up feeling less fraught than i have in a while, which means, please god, that the meds are finally starting to kick in. i don't think i could cope with many more days like the last week's worth.  but i do feel calmer, at the moment.

haven't been able to do anything for so long, and it's hard to keep not feeling guilty/anxious about all the jobs i am not doing.  each day i plan this and that and end up doing so little. it is really frustrating and i have to keep telling myself that it's only temporary and that i will feel better soon and be able to tackle stuff again. i have to practise being kind to myself every second. it's actually hard work!! 

that said, i think i am not doing too bad, considering that i have been a month without effective medication. i forget that they actually do work, so maybe this episode has served as a useful reminder that i do need them.  it would be nice not to, but i can't see that happening. i think i saw this week just how ill i am when i don't have them. i haven't felt this bad for a very long time. the EF's and the terror i was feeling was off the scale. 

it's weird then, how i still disbelieve myself.  i still don't believe that i am ill.  i still believe i should be stronger, more unselfish, etc etc...
it's like i feel like i am just making excuses for myself all the time.  even though no one else is actually saying that, or even hinting it. 

it is so unfair that i have been indoctrinated to feel this way.  i didn't ask for it, it was imposed on my thinking and reinforced through bullying and manipulation for years. i should feel more angry than i can manage but i do feel a bit angry. the injustice of what happened to me. it was wrong.

frustrating thing of course is that nothing will ever happen to make the people who did it to me see what they did. i will always be the 'wrong' one for them.  more injustice.

the only things that will change will be the things i change.  i am the only one who can do anything about repairing the damage they did to me. that sucks, but it's just the way it is. i am feeling fatalistic about it, i guess.  and angry, a bit angry that it has to be this way.  but shouting 'no fair' is a bit pointless. i will bloody well heal myself, or die trying. F..k the lot of them.

i watch a lot of documentaries.  things that show someone overcoming a terrible life and the ending is uplifting or whatever. makes me feel like everyone is like me, going through a lifetime of crap and making the best of it to the point where by the time they are middle aged they have done something worthy of a 20/20 special .it's not like we can really know how bad we had it compared to anyone else.  when you think about it, no matter how bad our life was, we do have something extremely valuable: our power of insight. it gives us a kind of peace, even if it's just for brief moments at a time, that some people won't ever know.    anyway that's how i don't lose my mind with the feeling that life is unfair. 

Quotewe do have something extremely valuable: our power of insight.

yes! absolutely. it is the only thing to keep us sane, isn't it? the insight to see what we need to change, and the understanding, no matter how hard won, to know how to. that is absolutely true, tired. thank you for that. it helps. :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

today...  ok i had a couple of quite goodish days and then yesterday (was it?? losing track), bam! big trigger,  got pretty upset and felt a bit of a drip all day. did try the EF management list and it helped, learning to breathe properly and relax and stay in my body etc.         

telling myself that i am safe and that no one can hurt me is very hard for me, and it takes ages for me to believe that i am not in danger. 

today i felt a bit ill when i woke up, fighting off some kind of bug, feeling sicky etc. also woke up really early and couldn't go back to sleep, mind whizzing - so twas a struggle. then my son asked to borrow some money which i never refuse if i have it, becos he is trying really hard, and works all hours, but he has screwed up on something and has a big bill to pay by the 26th  - could i please lend him some of it so he can eat for the rest of the month??? 

trouble is money is  a big big worry for me these days. i am pulling in all the debts owed to me at the mo, which amounted to quite a lot. so having just been paid back some, i now felt i had to give it all to him, and knew i would feel guilty if i didn't, becos of course if i have anything i must share it and i have to fix his mistake...! 

i find the whole money thing very triggering becos i have let myself be used in the past and am trying really hard to protect myself.  anyway, in the end, after a big EF, more '13 steps', more breathing, a bit of a cry, i decided that i would give him some of it, and make sure i had enough of a buffer left to allay my constant anxiety about running out of money. i told myself that it is his mistake, his responsibility, and i don't have to fix things for him. i know he'll be fine about it, just grateful for any help i can give, he is not a user, but it's just my own guilts and fixer mentality that does this to me.    i don't really mind lending to my kids, becos they're my kids, and becos they always pay me back.  it's when people take advantage of my friendship that it gets so horrible.

once i had made the decision i felt a lot more in control, but of course, now i am left with the backlash of emotional de-stressing required to get back into some kind of balance.

this managing emotions is hard work, no doubt about it, i feel exhausted!  it would have been nice to have a restful day not feeling fraught... ho hum. 

anyway, i managed to do a load of laundry, put out the rubbish and also tackled my raspberry canes which needed cutting back for winter. so i feel like i am making some small progress.

i wish i could stop putting so much pressure on myself to get better quicker.  i really am doing my best.  maybe i need to reward myself for what i have achieved today... i handled an EF (well, sort of), made a decision that was good for me rather than just good for someone else, did some jobs...

it really helps writing this down, becos  it has changed my perspective from today being a horrible, upset, stressy day into one where i have actually done good.  becos i have. i done good.

 :applause:

 :applause:   and   :hug:  Arpy, you did do good  :thumbup:

woke up today, (after the obligatory community dream  :blink:) feeling totally wiped. Was a bit shocked at how my eyes were puffy, esp one of them; really swollen on one side. I think it was becos I had cried so much yestday and wiped my eyes with mentholated tissues – bad idea. 

I seem to be quite run down; I sneeze and cough but no cold seems to break.  I feel exhausted. I think it reminds me of when the baby died, how we spent 3 or 4 months just sleeping half the day, exhausted by the least little thing. Totally wiped. And that's how I feel now. As if the grief I am experiencing with all these memories that keep popping up is wearing out my body. Makes sense I suppose.  Do feel rough though. And trying not to pressurise myself about the cleaning, which remains undone.

I feel like just curling up today and snuggling down in bed.  Maybe I will. Have to go out for milk, tho and I might go to the library if it's open.  I need to soak up my brain a bit. One thing about feeling physically crap is that I always find it so boring. Not crap enough to sleep, too crap to do anything.  And I don't want to sit and ruminate all day. Do enough of that as it is.

i think these meds don't blank my mind off so much as the last lot. which means i am feeling a lot more feelings. mostly bad ones, sadly. but at least i am not numbed out. it just means i have to keep dealing with the stuff that comes up. which i guess is probably good, having squashed it all down for forty years. it's maybe one reason why i feel so exhausted. bit like standing outside in a hurricane - it just keeps on coming.  i hope i am not being stupid by letting it come up. not that i could stop it, i think, especially not the dreaming. but i hope i am not just indulging myself and making myself worse.

 :bighug: , dear arpy1.

this is going to be a Big Whinge and it may be triggering so don't read on if you're feeling grisly yourself.  i just have to get it out before it all blows a big hole in my brains.

every time i close my eyes, at night or just for a nap, i dream weird dreams about the community. not only that but yesterday i dreamed i was having a big row and a physical fight with my FOO sister (NC). and yesterday afternoon when i felt really grotty and full of flu-ey symptoms i just had to go lie down and sleep. and guess what? dreamed again, weird, unsettling all about people in the community. and in last night's episode N, the cult leader even appeared (i was thinking, 'but you're dead' but then in the dream, would you believe, i remembered from another previous dream where he had come back from the dead to take over control again and then said 'oh yes, he came back from the dead didn't he?'. and i was scared until i thought 'i'm not going to be afraid of you, you b......d, you ruined my life, i hate you.'... at which point i woke up. 

i amso fed up with it.

i just want to be able to go to sleep and rest. i am tired from the constant grief and emotional turmoil. sick to death that not only did he (N) and the years i spent in the church steal my soul and my life from me, it isstill stealing my life from me. i don't even have a life becos i have no energy left to do anything but fight against the damage in an desperate attempt to heal myself  becos there is no-one else gonna do it but me. it is still ruling me. i want to be free and i am trying so, so hard. but i am feeling so discouraged.

it just feels like, no matter that i am taking all the steps i can, toddling baby steps as fast as my little legs will carry me, i seem to be stuck in this morass of depression and fear and now anger and hatred are popping up too and i just feel exhausted from the constant battle. one way or another, my whole life has been a constant fight against disintegration. and i am still having to do it. and i want it to stop. i want to wake up one morning and feel OK - just ok, it doesn't need to even be wonderful, just bloody ok would be good.

i have all these things i want to do, not just jobs but nice things, creative things; and i can't find the energy to do anything at all. i feel physically run down and worn down and worn out.  i can't stop fighting becos to stop fighting is to let myself disintegrate. but i can't seem to find a foothold in all this.  i can't see where i am going, i have no vision of where i want to get to, what kind of life would even be possible for me. i don't even  know who i am for god's sake, let alone what i want out of 'life'. how would i know? i never had one before. i never got the chance. bad luck, arpy. just bad luck, like loads of other people get.

why did  these things have to happen to me?  what did i do that was so wrong? how could i have let it happen? been such a blind victim for so many years? stupid, answerless questions. but which of us doesn't rail against the injustice of life?  just bad luck. i can't say i just don't want to play any more. i have to stay around, just for the kids. and i will, but god, it is on sufferance at the moment.

i feel angry, sad, broken, disheartened, full of grief and hatred for the people who f.....d up my life, angry that i didn't see it, didn't know enough to stop it, wasn't able to stop it. angry that i don't know how to do boundaries and to protect myself, even now, so that i am holed up in my little flat with no contact with anyone except the kids and this forum.  angry that i am so weak and so ill i can't pull it round even tho i am trying so hard. angry at what humans do to each other and get away with.

there .  that's what i am feeling.  just had to get that out. please feel free to ignore it; like i say, it is a Big Whinge, nothing more.

 :hug:

You will wake up one day feeling OK.

:hug:

Anger's great, sadness is fine, contradiction happens, bad dreams too. It may appear only as an image on a screen, but my heart sends you this:  :bighug:

There's one theory of dreams (granted there are zillions) that posits that some of them can be acting as a release valve. Almost medical, in the sense of they don't feel good but might be part of a larger process. So even "weird dreams" as you call them can be a functional part of recovery.

If they bring anger, that's wanting to be there, not as a mask but a mirror reflecting a genuine need. It only sounds contradictory; it seems unpleasant, almost insane, to think this can be good.

When one gets their eyes examined, the optometrist tries several lenses 'til there's a match. That's what this dream business can seem like; taking off the judgement lens allows the other view to come into focus. Some straining might occur, but when you relax the view is clearer, WHEN it makes it into what is seen. You might need several takes before that clear one appears.

I had some pretty bad dreams once, then one night a counter one snuck in, involving my own cult-like demons. They were madly pursuing me down a river, when I ran a rapids, as I had vast skill at canoeing they couldn't match. They ended up smashed, and I found a friend (another version of myself) waiting by a campfire.

Silly dream or did it say something? Dunno; only grateful that it popped in there. My only point in all of this ramble is to remind you it's okay, sure; but most important, you're more than okay, like ten times over okay. In my math, that equals courage and perseverance. So take 'em, they're yours, you know.  :hug:

QuoteSo even "weird dreams" as you call them can be a functional part of recovery. If they bring anger, that's wanting to be there, not as a mask but a mirror reflecting a genuine need. It only sounds contradictory; it seems unpleasant, almost insane, to think this can be good.

I agree with Woodsgnome Arpy.  I think the way out of the muck and mire is through processing and integrating the pain and trauma rather than stuffing it, dissociating and all the other things we do or did to keep ourselves safe. Dreaming is you opening that door to the past more fully because you're ready, and it's bound to feel quite overwhelming, at least initially.  :hug: 

FWIW as I moved into full recovery mode I had really intense dreams in which I was always alone, afraid, hopeless, angry ...all that you'd expect after so much trauma.  Over time this has shifted into dreams in which I have lots of people around me and I am doing more normal things, occasionally I even have a good dream now.  :yes:

So here's to plowing through the truly tough stuff and emerging out the other side, it is hard but so very worth it imo :hug:

thank you guys.  it's taken me all afternoon to try and get it together to reply.  but it means such a lot that you posted even if i have spent my whole day at a big self-pity-party.  it just gets too much sometimes.

i guess it's true that these constant dreams are revealing a lot more anger and hatred than i have been aware of till now.  it is only recently that i have felt 'allowed' to be angry and even to hate the perpetrators - it never occurred to me that it was ok till now, becos i was taught that forgiveness is the only allowed response to any hurt. - me, hatred?   it's all new territory and it is quite exhausting, and altho i probably have to go through it to get out of it, it still feels like such an impotent rage. the worst perp is dead and gone anyway. 

i think the hardest thing is the constant renewal of shock that hits me with every memory. it's a bit like feeling the trauma of each experience afresh as it invades my memory.  becos it's the random memories that the dreams spark that are so painful, now that i am seeing my past in a more realistic and honest light, seeing just how awful they really were. 

i even have a suspicion that the illness i am feeling in my body is a direct result of all this.  it feels so similar to how i was when the baby died. so similar. if i had a cold or something, it would have come out by now.

ho hum.  so much for recovery journal... didn't do much recovering today, did i?  :doh:

and thanks Kizzie, too, just read yours.  i am grateful to know it's not the disaster it feels like! 

now i have a decision to make and i don't know what i want to do... so i am going to use this space to talk myself through it.

i went to see my GP today, struggled to get there, narrowly controlled a panic attack in the waiting room, and embarrassingly, sat and cried all over the poor chap (again) when i finally got in to see him. god, what a wuss  :doh:

i told him about the last couple of weeks of nightmares, EF's, etc and he disagreed that it was probably mostly due to the changeover to citalopram, which is what i have been thinking.

he would like to refer me to the psychology service with a covering letter describing the ptsd symptoms i have been experiencing as a way of getting some help from someone at least some way qualified/experienced in trauma treatment. when i told him the last NHS therapist i had, had refused to talk about the cult experience, he was shocked and said that he felt that that was the main problem. so there is a chance that if he words the letter properly he might be able to get me in with someone who can actually help with it. if there is such a person...

he basically doesn't think i should carry on as i am, trying to do it on my own.  which i can see the sense of because in fact i am aware that i am not coping terribly well without help. 

my fears are that i will have once again no control over the kind of treatment that i am given.  that's what happened the last time i went with the NHS services. the therapist was 'blank screen' type, wouldn't, as i say, talk about the JP at all - and becos i was getting traumatised every time i saw her, she decided that i was 'resistant' and would be better with group therapy, the thought of which was too terrifying to contemplate. becos she said that was her 'professional opinion' she refused to offer me anything else. if that kind of mismatch disaster happened again, i don't think i would cope.

so i have to decide whether to let my GP proceed with a referral. i am freaking out about it at the moment but i have to let him know today if i can.  is it worth the risk of another bad experience? can i carry on, realistically, trying to work this out by myself? i guess i can always walk away again if it turns out badly but one does tend to risk getting a reputation as 'resistant' when one has done that a few times.  i may find i am shooting myself in the foot.

ok, not really any closer to a decision.  maybe i can leave it a few days. i hate decisions  :sadno:

Dear arpy1,

If you want to talk about the cult with a trauma-specialist, you can and should say so. You are the one seeking treatment. You decide on your wants and needs.
Yes, very difficult for us CPTSD-ers. But true nonetheless. I think.  ;) (compulsory disclaimer: I'm not a healthcare professional)
Didn't you find somebody (a researcher?), who was specializing in the traumatic events of cults? Could the NHS cover treatment with her? Would she possibly be able to refer you to someone-in-the-know around where you live?
edit: here it is:

Quote from: arpy1 on October 13, 2015, 02:34:01 PM
i remembered something else.  i was watching recently a lady called Gillie Jenkinson, she is a psychotherapist in UK who specialises in exit counselling for ex-cult members. 

Yeah, the last therapist was horrible, and a very nasty experience for you. I do want to say to you, and remind you of, how well you handled it in the end.
We'll be here to cover your back.

:hug:

PS: this section might be of help with "finding a therapy/therapist" for you: http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?board=176.0

PS2, second edit: typo. (someone-in-the-now--> someone-in-the-know. Sorry for being such a stickler, but I think it actually matters here.)

QuoteYou decide on your wants and needs.

i just emailed my doc and told him i need more time as this whole thing got so triggering that i just spent the afternoon in a major panic  and had to take a valium and go to bed.

i felt so overwhelmed with terror and a sense of total powerlessness, which i think came from the 'blank screen' style therapist experience. (the second (private) T was the one i sacked becos of confidentiality and boundary issues.) how weird that even things in my recent past have now somehow turned themselves into triggers that can flash me back into these desperate feelings.  how did that happen??

so. i feel calmer now (thank god for valium... i hate the stuff but i need it sometimes).  i still don't know what i am going to do, but i realise having gone through this today that actually i might be a lot more poorly than i am allowing myself to believe. perhaps i have to just accept that i need some help and take the risk.  even tho just contemplating it threatens to send me back into EF, right now. i'll see how i feel tomorrow.

btw, Gillie Jenkinson is a private T and is miles away.  i doubt very much whether the NHS would stand the cost of a referral to her, or to any private practitioner. i might mention it to the GP just in case tho, as it could be an idea.

this really sucks. 

QuoteWe'll be here to cover your back.

thank you dear Dutch Uncle. i need and value that support more than i can say.  :hug:

 :thumbup:
Take your time.

:hug:

ok, that was a bad bad night...  :blink:  :stars:  but i think, a few hours sleep and i can see a bit clearer what happened yesterday. here goes:
i think what it was about was powerlessness. which generates levels of plain terror in me that are way out of proportion to whatever triggers me into feeling powerless in situations. 

in the JP i learnt very early on that to have any sort of personal wishes, preferences, desires, etc was sin. unless of course they were in line with the required wishes preferences and desires of a good sister in the church.  so for years i was in a position of total powerlessness and not allowed to think that that was wrong. as a woman you were 'in submission' to men... that meant not only leaders but all men, even the youngsters.

in  my marriage, my needs were not even on the list, not becos of authority/submission stuff (we didn't really do that in our marriage) but becos my ex made sure by every manipulative means that his emotional wishes and needs were paramount and got met.

i realise that in both those lives, both situations, to get my needs met, or even to ask for them to be met, was a question of getting sufficiently desperate, begging like a needy supplicant, with great shame about needing in the first place -and then taking whatever was offered, gratefully, without being able to question, reject or in anyway not take on board what was given.  becos it was wrong to need, and it was selfish to not be grateful and sinful to not submit to what i was told.  i'm not explaining this very well, but i know what i mean.

so in essence for me to need or ask for help of any sort is full of fear, shame and most importantly powerlessness.  i have no choice about anything. i have to be the 'done-to' person. that is all i know.

hence, with the first therapist, her style was so exactly similar to how it was in the JP when you approached an elder for help or counselling - sort of 'i am in charge, what i say goes, take it or leave it, but if you don't take it, it's you that are the problem not me becos i am the Leader here and i bring you the word of God'.    i could never have disagreed with her or questioned her style. and when i tentatively did, she fell back on the 'well that is my professonal opinion'... no room for discussion or choice for me then. no wonder she still engenders such terror in me.

the second therapist was different, but subtly, she still held the power, by giving me time i didn't ask for, and making me beholden to her even tho i told her it made me uncomfortable.  and by manipulating the situation into more than therapy - i think she needed a friend, and gave me lots more info about herself and her other clients than was appropriate. but becos of my fears and powerlessness i never had the courage to challenge her. 

this is not about them, really it's about me and powerlessness. that's why i am so terrified of going down the NHS route. becos i will have no choice and no right to question or state what i feel i need, rather than just accepting gratefully what they offer becos i am too poor to get what i really want privately (if i even knew what that was).  and from experience with the NHS, i know that if i do kick up and push for what i feel i need, i will get myself a negative reputation and effectively shoot myself in the foot as far as further help goes.  i know this becos of having spent years trying to fight for proper treatment for my husband when i was married.

that's as far as i have got with this. i still feel very fraught, but at least i am starting to unpick it a bit. 

well, that was a horrible, horrible few days.  horrible. possibly the fiercest emotional flashback i can remember in a long while and i just couldn't seem to get out of it.  thank god i woke up this morning feeling calmer. i am hoping that the worst is over. i feel totally bloody wiped. but calm. phew.

i gather then that the idea of trying therapy again, especially NHS, is obviously a problem to me!   :stars: :stars: good grief, and then some.

i spoke to my son and asked his opinion and he, wise as ever, said that he doesn't think i will get better from this on my own becos i think he feels that to try to do it myself makes me obsess too much (he knows me well... :doh:)

He said that he thought I should go for it, but take with me a file of all my research and basically say, 'this is what I think is wrong with me, can you help, are you experienced/trained/qualified?' If not, then walk away. If yes, then give it a few weeks and then reassess to see if it is working out. If not, walk away.

I can see that what he is saying is that I need to empower myself so as not to feel totally powerless like i felt with the last two therapists i tried.  This is a good idea.

However, the only hiccup may well be that people generally resent being 'told their job'... they are very likely to feel threatened if I go in there all assertive about what I think I need.  So I would have to have a lot of courage and assertiveness and confidence to pull it off.  And to pull it off in a way that doesn't alienate them.

I am not at all sure I would be able to do that at the moment. i feel very afraid contemplating it. it's crazy.

i emailed my GP and he agreed with David, and that any T worth their salt would be willing to listen and discuss what i have to say (hmmm...). so we are going to talk some more about it when i see him in a week or so.  i think i just have to go slowly on this, becos it is such a frightening trigger to me.  i don't want to repeat the experience of the last few days.

Arpy1, I'm glad you're turning one corner; there will be more, but you're also better equipped to handle them now. Indeed, you seem to know you have to, as it's all about your recovery. T's can be your ally, but you've also seen that's not always true. The past is what you have to work with, and you're doing so as we all end up doing--slowly (and sometimes painfully). You also wrote:

"I can see that what he is saying is that I need to empower myself so as not to feel totally powerless like i felt with the last two therapists i tried.  This is a good idea."

Touche. Remember, you have two T's, sort of. The other and the most important--you. Now, too, you have more wherewithal you just couldn't access before. Part of that is just the strength of knowing you have one other ally now--us. We don't have the "professional" tag, but we can support you all the way. To be "very afraid", as you say, is natural.

You've seen the dark side of T, for sure. But as the GP put it:
"...any T worth their salt would be willing to listen and discuss what i have to say..." Maybe you should bring a huge salt block with? :bigwink: (sorry, couldn't resist--hearing you in this frame of mind feels good for us, too).

Wishing you all the best as you journey forward with this.  :hug: 

thank you for that, dear WsG.

QuoteMaybe you should bring a huge salt block with? :bigwink: (sorry, couldn't resist--hearing you in this frame of mind feels good for us, too).

heh heh  i was thinking more maybe just a pinch.... 

thank you for caring, it has been a bleak few days and it feels such a relief not to feel mad.  :hug: :hug:

i am feeling, perhaps somewhat foolishly, proud of myself today.  my daughter rang me last night and we talked about needing to get out more.... she is so sweet and affirming, but she did say that she feels that being stuck at home all the time obsessing about trying to recover was not doing me any good (i suspect she and her brother may have been talking becos that's what he says too.) so she is encouraging me to try to get out and do more things that i like and also to start writing again. it is very frightening for me to think about this even tho there are certain things i do do, like the gym etc. i still never feel safe when i am out, especially if there are people about. 

however, i have to acknowledge that both the kids have been saying what i have known for a while. the last couple of months while i was changing meds have been bad in the sense that i have retreated rather than gone forward in this area, but it is time to start trying again.  like she says, it was only when she started to do the things she was afraid of that she began to feel that she had agency, and wasn't totally powerless.  she knows whereof she speaks. 

so, today, in spite of feeling a great deal of anxiety and panic, i went for a walk.  don't laugh, for me it was really something! i went for a short half hour walk round the streets near my home. in the sunshine. there were a few people around probably walking off their sunday lunch, and by the time i was nearly home i was feeling quite anxious again, but, i didn't bump into anyone, and the sky didn't fall and there weren't any lions in the street.

so i feel proud of myself, as i say.  not only that, but in 10 days time i am driving to pick up my daughter and she is coming to stay over with me one night, and one night at her dad's.  so - a couple of two hour drives and 24 hours human contact. more than i have done for over a year.  i feel very scared about it but i am looking forward to it too. 

still haven't quite made my mind up about the ptsd referral.  my kids both think it might help and agree that i can always walk away if it turns bad like the last times.  it feels like a huge thing to attempt it again, but i think i will probably do it. or at least, give it a trial.  watch this space

Possible triggers here maybe:

as i was talking to my girl last night and my boy this morning, i realised just how very blessed i am to have two such beautiful offspring. i don't know how it happened but they have turned into grown ups who are wise, and kind, and who love me very much.  i guess it's time i stopped fretting about them all the time (do mum's ever manage that though??) and realised they are strong and supportive allies whom i can be honest with. i have spent their entire lives protecting them from my emotional crap, trying to invest in them the skills i was never given and spare them from the worst of the damage done to me.  now, they are showing me that they can handle what i am going through, and give me wisdom and support, with a very gentle but firm honesty when they feel i need it. 

when they were born the thing i wanted most of all to be able to say of my kids was that we became friends.  and they have become friends.  they are strong, independent and they have their own lives, but they are my friends, and i am theirs.  i don't deserve it, i don't  know how it happened, but honestly, i just feel so grateful. 

 :applause:

and

;D <--- your post so often make a smile on my face, that no matter how much you'll tell me "don't laugh", I just can't help it. You brighten up my day, more often than you probably realize.

:hug:

Your kids are not an accident.  :thumbup:

aaawww, thank you so much, i'm glad i make your day brighter!!  :hug: :hug:

Me too.  ;D

oh dear, i am not being a lot of use to anyone else here at the moment. my mood has got very low the last day or so and i am having trouble doing anything at all again.  i think maybe changing meds might have not been such a good idea. or else the whole obsessing about whether to do therapy again is doing my head in. or maybe it's the continual 'community dreams' night after night getting me down.  or maybe none of the above and i just feel like crap at present.  let's go for the latter.  but boy, do i feel crap. :'(

Dearest arpy1,

:hug:

:hug: , again.

And here, another  :hug: .

I hold you dear. Come what may.

:hug:

isn't it funny how each little accomplishment seems to have a sting attached to its tail?  that's how it seems at the moment.

after doing so well on sunday, i have been feeling unbearably depressed and thinking the unspeakable thoughts, so that i have increased the dose of citalopram i am taking to 30mg.  i don't know what the doc will say when i tell him, but i was so desperate yesterday, and the flashbacking was so acute that i did it anyway, and also took a couple of valium at bedtime which meant i still dreamed but they were less malign dreams. (and i don't think i woke up till 5.30am, so i must have slept six or seven straight hours. big bonus, that.)

so today i have been slightly less mad in my head. still pretty EF-ful but i managed them better, did a couple of jobs, and did some floor exercises too during a particularly bad flashback time - it actually helped where i couldn't get it together to do the 'steps'.  so i have managed to do at least something constructive in between feeling like my head was going to explode.

trouble is at the moment that whenever i stop doing/reading/watching i descend into EFs. i have to keep my mind constantly occupied or sleeping.  i haven't even been able to be much use on here, becos every little thing i read seems to trigger me.  i can't work out what went wrong really, i seemed to be doing ok, then, as i say, sting in the tail.

i am still wittering about whether i can muster enough courage to go for the ptsd referral. whenever i try to think about it, it plunges me into chaos in my mind.  such a lot of fear and negative feelings around the whole therapy thing now. but at the same time, i want help - i really don't want to stay like i am.  it is so frustrating to be so subject to these storms of mega-emotions.  i wish i could just be rational about it all but i don't know how to switch the feelings off, or at least turn them down a bit so i can make a sensible choice about what will be best for me. so frustrating.

how i wish i could start to feel better. i hate feeling this way so much. maybe it's true that i needn't feel guilty about it or beat myself up but i wish i could feel ok. i am so tired of it all.

today i saw the GP.  i asked for his opinion about the ptsd referral, having told him all the reservations i have about the NHS psych dept (not  the least of which is that the referral would have to pass the desk of the first T i had, who is the boss of that division  :aaauuugh:). he basically agreed that it might not be such a good idea to try to go through her. he then said that doing nothing was not an option in his opinion, as tablets are obviously not the answer. which i agree with, reluctantly.  so what he advised, when i pressed him, was that i should consider writing to my Dad and asking him to fund some more therapy privately for me.  in any case he doesn't think that what i need would be available on the NHS. and it's true that the only way i could fund it is if my Dad subbed me for it.

this involves asking my Dad for money. which i know, despite the fact that he's not much in the way of father/daughter relationship (or any relationship in truth) he would never have a problem with. but which i also know my brother would be furious about and have no hesitation about accusing me of being a sponger again in no uncertain terms.  he was so vile the last time that i broke of contact with him altogether and also swore to myself that i would never approach Dad for help again, despite the fact that Dad said when i told him 'it's my bloody money, i can do what i like with it'...  and made it clear he doesn't mind.

so basically, i know Dad would help me, if i could just manage to muster up the courage (and bear the humiliation) to ask him, and weather the storm my brother would probably stir up over it.  oh god, i hate this.  but it's the least frightening of the few options i have.

i just wish i wasn't so afraid of everything and everyone all the time. i even had an EF on the way to the surgery this morning, that's how wobbly i am.  i have tried to start writing this letter about four times this afternoon and each time it got screwed up and thrown in the bin. i just don't know how to say it, i feel so  humiliated. it's properly killing me.

 :hug: arpy1.

I feel so often lost for words. But I do so know how you feel, and I do find it so awesome all that you do.

Family connections, family enmeshment, family jalousy, family feud... I know the tale all to well, so I'm not particularly equipped to put any effort into swaying you one way or another. I myself am still in the thick of it.
Having said that: Go to dad, from what I have gathered from your posts he's good for his statement "It's my bloody money!", and will do as he sees fit, regardless of your bro. And it IS your dad's money. Not bro's.
Yeah, the humiliation of it all...  :hug:

:thumbup: for telling your GP all you wanted to say, and double :thumbup: for pressing him to answer: "What options are left?"

Well done, all together!  :applause:

humiliation is a big problem and maybe the root of a lot of things. the way i get around it is by imagining i'm addressing a child.  how would i treat a child in this same situation? would i shame them?  when i feel bad about myself i am a child and i should be a little nicer.  when i was 7 i went to my mom to report something bad that happened and i didn't feel bad about it. i didn't feel guilty. but she reacted in a very odd way and after that i did feel ashamed. she never talked to me about it again except to occasionally blame me without really addressing the whole situation.   she treated me like that but i don't have to be like her.

going to try and write my journal today for the first time in a while.  it has been such a difficult ten days or so. i have felt so deeply depressed, but at the same time, lived in constant EF, with nightly dreams and even the simplest day to day stuff triggering such a lot of terror in me.  i feel exhausted from it all, from the tension that i have carried in my body, even tho i have tried so hard to do the relaxation and breathing and things.  i feel like i am trying so hard, and getting not very far at all. 

went to see the GP this a.m.  he is always very kind, but i still have a flashback every time i have to go down to the surgery. just sitting in the waiting room is an ordeal. and i haven't the courage to tell the receptionist that i am going to sit in the corridor, as GP suggested might be easier.  so i just suffer the waiting room each time, kicking myself for being such a coward. 

the doc said i am doing well, doing all the right things. he listed off all the things i am doing right and i realised that i do work hard to get better. but it is hard to remember when everything seems such a slog. i am tired of the fight.  i want it to stop. but it isn't going to, so i have to get on with it.

we talked about flashbacks a bit, and about how the feeling of being trapped in unbearable situations, of having to be under the control of other people is one of the biggest triggers. i traced the whole meltdown about asking dad for help to that. and also realise that my dad was a totally controlling person too, so it wasn't just the JP that made me like this.  and then i married a controller too... the pattern has run thro my whole life.  and it elicits such terror in me now. and i am still in a trapped situation in many ways. 

i think the flashbacks and nightmares etc are worse becos i am off mirtazipine and back on citalopram.  they don't blank out the feelings in the same way. which shows me just how bad they would be if i wasn't on any meds at all.  i don't think i realise often, just how bad i am.  it still shocks me when i get triggered, at just how overwhelming the terror is.  it is very weird.  i think i should be able to control this, even though i know intellectually that no one could.  i feel guilty that i can't get myself out of it. 

humiliation, yes. i spose i spent so many years in the JP, being very forcefully shamed for all the normal feelings humans have, and especially for being a woman who was so 'subject to her feelings'.. and especially for needing help or support (bad, selfish, sinful). also i  learnt from infancy to keep my needs to myself, becos if i let them out it will be bad, people will be angry.  and i was taught from teenage on, that i must not feel like i matter, everyone else does but i must not. my needs must come last, and they are so selfish anyway that i have no right to expect or want that anyone might help or meet them. 

what an unspeakable and destructive thing! i can't even describe how most of it was in those years.  i just know that it still comes as a revelation to me that i matter. i don't really believe it, but i am coming to understand that i need to learn it. i matter. i matter.  i matter.  i matter just as much as anyone else on the planet. it is a weird thing to say. it feels weird in my mind. but i have to get my head round it.

this has been very rambly but it has helped a bit to get stuff down again.  ho hum.  on we go. 

i feel like you have the answers (as do i) but your other self forgets them.  i wish i lived alone and never had anyone come into the house because then i could post little notes to myself . like, you're fine, you're worth it. i can be an adult caring for my child-self  .   i try to put up things in the house that might serve that purpose without being obvious.  as if there is a grown up elf that sneaks in and leaves little mysterious cryptic messages for me. like, i might buy myself flowers or put up a to do list.  if i lived alone i would probably put up something more direct.  i would probaby devote a wall of the house to photos of people i'm angry at and throw darts at it.

 :rofl:  that's an appealing idea.... :thumbup:

Quote from: tired on November 13, 2015, 12:00:06 PM
i would probaby devote a wall of the house to photos of people i'm angry at and throw darts at it.

That made me :rofl: too.

I did something similar at some point. The FOO had had a family-gathering (that I had initiated and largely arranged in a way that it was a communal effort, by everyone, no matter how tiny the contribution was (which I found totally OK)), which turned out quite OK, but the effects where short-lived.
A family-picture was taken (this had been the first time in ten years or so we had been 'complete'), that hang on my wall as a memento of how things could be 'livable'.
So when it turned out it was 'horrible business' as usual I hang the picture upside down (a year later or so), with the message for me personally: "You really have to start to take a look at your FOO from an other perspective, Dutch. You have it all upside down, you have to turn your head around to get this straight."
This has all resulted in me and my FOO 'falling out', which has not been my intention, but I am seeing the forest for the trees now. (Is I think the right expression).

And arpy1: great entry to your journal.  :thumbup:

i just want to write something out to get it out of my head and hopefully lose a bit of the sadness of it.  i was watching the most beautiful documentary about a couple of korean twin girls separated at birth, who found each other through the internet. it describes the journey they took together and it was so lovely. despite being given up at birth, each of these girls had got family. proper family ties, links to people who cared about them, adoptive parents, one had siblings, both had foster mums, loads of friends who cared and supported them as they made contact and then made a film. it was so uplifting to watch the film, but it gave me a huge pain in my heart.

becos i realise that now i have no family except for my two kids. they are wonderful, don't get me wrong. but i feel all their lives i have had to invent 'family' as i went along, in order to give them the best possible experience i could of what i really didn't have much idea about. unconditional love. love for them just becos they are, not becos of what they did, felt, said, the way they behaved at times.  i realised watching the film that that has largely been missing in my own life.  and that it was a question of making it up, imagining how it should be and then doing my best to make it so for them. and to make up for what their dad, like my own dad, was unable to give to them. the love and the friendship i have with them both now makes me think maybe i did a half decent job for them, but no-one ever did that for me, not really, except maybe my mum, who i can see now was in a really similar situation as i was in my marriage. she was just a whole lot angrier than i was, i think.

but i never felt i had anyone really who just loved me for myself, just becos i am, not becos of what i did, thought, believed, felt, behaved like, what use i was to them.  just loved me becos i am me.  i thought i had found it in the JP but i was ultimately rejected for speaking out about the 'elephant in the room'.  i never had it with my dad. i think i had it with mum, but now she is gone. certainly not with my siblings.

so no wonder i find it impossible to feel deeply connected to anyone any more.  the deepest connections i ever made were in the JP and the loss of them has broken something in me that i don't know if i can ever fix.  trust, maybe, a sense of connectedness shattered by the realisation that i could only stay connected if i kept pressing the 'make it fit' button, if i compromised my integrity, became someone else.  and i couldn't. so i was rejected.

and now here i am at the latter end of my life and i am disconnected.  my major relationships have all been damaging ones and i have withdrawn from all of them becos i couldn't sustain any more damage.  i don't have trust or the security in myself, or really any idea how, to do healthy relationships. and i guess i really don't think i am loveable anyway. not unless i perform to expectation. that is very sad.

i know this sounds very self-pitying. we here are all in pretty much the same boat after all. but  it makes me so sad for myself. hopefully it's good to say it how it is.

same here on all that.  when i see shows about family i feel warm and fuzzy for them because i can sense how good that would be but at the same time it's  not a great feeling. 

poss triggers...



those pictures of Mount St Helens blowing her top years ago. and the images of the pyroclastic flow rolling down the side of the mountain at 70mph overwhelming everything in its path in a cloud of grey ash.

yesterday pm that's kind of what happened. i got overtaken by a wall of despair and depression. i saw it coming. i couldn't get out of the way. i couldn't outrun it. and altho with the kids, on the outside i am pretending to be ok as usual, inside i am screaming. i don't know how to even say how i am feeling. utter despair, pain i don't have words for, so bad i feel sick with it. overwhelming and inescapable.

i know what the problem probably is; i haven't heard back from dad about the letter i wrote him begging for help to pay for some more therapy.  i feel so helpless. and so completely trapped in a life i hate and haven't the resources to change. 

if i had money i could get treatment. becos i don't, becos i left my husband with absolutely nothing, i am stymied. i am too ill to work. even if i do work, i can't earn enough to more than cover my living costs, so therapy is still out of reach. NHS here doesn't do the kind of treatment i need. so no options, except to put myself at the mercy of someone else and hope they're feeling charitable. and that my brother doesn't kick up.

also i am so worried about this health assessment by the benefit people. my GP wrote a letter to say i was too ill to attend, but i haven't heard back. so there's a risk if i don't go, my money will get stopped.  and i just can't go. the idea is unbelievably terrifying.  i just can't.  once again, i am powerless and in the power of others who are not noted for their sympathetic outlook to people with mental health problems.

i am scared. i am feeling powerless. and it's a fact that there is absolutely nothing i can do to change these things or empower myself.  i will have to ring dad, and see if he has the letter and if he has just forgotten about it (if he has it means that his dementia has overtaken him and i can't ask him for money anyway becos it wouldn't be right). i will have to ring the benefits people and ask what they want me to do. and both those things feel simply impossible to do.

i am scared. i hate this feeling of having no options. i feel like i have spent my life trapped in unbearable situations that i have to bear regardless. and here i am in the same situation. different script, same play.

i guess this is the reason for the overwhelming despair. i just can't see a way out other than do the hardest, most terrifying thing. just like i always do. and i just can't.

i sit and cry and cry for hours at the moment. i am sorry to dump this here but i don't actually have anywhere else to say it how it is.  my GP always says call or email him. but how can you put all this crap in an email to a doctor? he's not my therapist, lovely tho he is.  so i'm afraid it ended up here.

 :hug: dear arpy1,

This is so hard, and I relate. I've been where you are now. More than once.  :hug:
You pointed out two options you have, both involving calling somebody: dad, and the health services. These are really viable options, arpy1.
And you can e-mail your GP, you may take him upon his word. He has been trustworthy. Perhaps you could mail/phone him if HE has heard anything in reply to his letter to the health services?
And if you phone the health services, and your fears come true (they might well not come true...) you could contact your GP then.

Great of you to have contacted (by mail) your dad, part of your support network. And your GP regarding the health services.
And us.

Here for you,
Dutch Uncle.
:hug:

you're right, of course, i know that, and i am grateful for your saying it, even though it's the last thing i want to hear. 

my two options:  to do the things i am so terrified of that i feel sick at the thought.  i guess i just want an option that doesn't involve ripping my guts out of my body.  my whole life has been spent doing the things that are the hardest, the things that terrify me. and i am so, so exhausted from being terrified and forcing myself to do stuff anyway.  so tired. that's what makes me sit here and cry. that i have to do the things i am most scared of.   again.   becos i have no choice. doing nothing is never a viable option.

i know, i am totally self pitying here and i am sorry. i want to scream 'not fair, not fair' but the universe isn't listening, is it? 

i just don't want to be scared anymore. sometimes my courage just fails me.

i emailed my GP. that was something, at least.  and told him how i have been feeling.  that's as much as i can do right now.

Well done.  :thumbup:

Quote from: arpy1 on November 19, 2015, 08:31:09 PM
that's as much as i can do right now.

Then it is enough you have done.
Hang in there,

:hug:

I'm just curious, but have you heard anything of either three today?

:hug:

no. nothing. i fancy probably the GP is not in today or something. or maybe busy. not sure when his surgeries are. thank you for asking though  :hug:

realised after my little performance last night that i was in a very intense flashback. and i can't believe i didn't spot it. hope i didn't make you miserable.

not well today in my mind.  just close to tears a lot.  taking it easy, trying a bit of self soothing. seems to be the thing.
:hug: :hug:

Quote from: arpy1 on November 20, 2015, 02:20:01 PM
hope i didn't make you miserable.

Not in the least, arpy1.

Take care.  :thumbup:

i feel like i am in a bit of a weird state at the moment.  i think it is to do with the fact that i haven't heard from dad about the money, and the fact that i am anxious all the time about the health assessment thing.  the future is so unclear.  even the immediate future. GP often says i am always better when i have a 'plan'. at the moment i don't have one, and making one is dependent on other people. that makes me feel very afraid, and very powerless - like i am at the mercy of powers over which i have no control. and i really don't want to be like that anymore. i have never had power over myself. and i want it.

i have worked so hard, or at least i thought i had, to find ways to get  better.  i am constantly feeling stymied by the fact that i have so few resources.  i haven't got money for therapy yet i know that i need long term one on one therapy to have the kind of help i need to make real progress. i simply can't do this by myself. not at the moment. maybe i will get stronger in time, as i learn skills. but i feel like i am trying hard to build a house with no bricks, no plans, and no tools.  i am not getting anywhere, or that's how it seems. 

since i stopped any therapy at all (i don't regret stopping, the T was not terribly professional in important ways but at least she was regular and interested and it was someone to talk to. and it wasn't all bad. it did help a bit) but since i stopped, and since i went back on these meds to stop the side effects of the last ones... well, it seems i have gone backwards. 

i realise that the other meds, despite the side effects, did actually lift the depression somewhat. now i am back to square one in that respect.  and i feel like i have gone backwards in terms of the strategies i was using to help the flashbacks, becos my mood is so low that i can barely get out of bed in the mornings. in fact if it wasn't for taking my son to work i just wouldn't.  i feel as if i have gone back largely to how i was a year ago when i first went off sick.

and, like i say, i have no plan. i feel directionless, alone, scared.  and there is a creeping sense that it is pointless anyway becos i am not going to be able to fix myself, so why bother?  i am afraid of getting worse.  i suspect i am. there is a barely suppressed feeling of panic inside that makes me feel physically sick.  i am blanking everything out with solitaire, puzzles, anything i can manage to concentrate on long enough to stop my mind from thinking, or my feelings from becoming unmanageable.  i know this is not a good thing to do. but i can't find the strength to do anything else, somehow. 

Maybe you need a routine or some structure.  If I can make a schedule for myself it helps.   

today i am a little bit proud of myself.  becos after a really tough weekend i woke up knowing i had to contact the benefit people about the health assessment that i won't be going to on thursday.  i was too frightened to try and call them - you always have to wait for about 20 minutes minimum to get put through to a real person and when you do it's a case of going through everything again with a total stranger till they understand what you're going on about..      so i had the bright idea of writing to them and including a copy of the GP letter explaining why i am too poorly to attend. and i sent it so they have to sign for it their end, so that i have Post Office proof that it gets there and they can't turn round and say i never contacted them. (that has happened to me in the past). 

anyway, despite the fact that i was really worried about it, and writing the thing sent me off into a mega EF that meant i retreated to bed for an hour afterwards - i managed to do it.   so that was an achievement. yay me.

when i went to post the letter i also managed to do a quick shop as well.  pretty flashback-ish by the time i finished but i made it home and vegged out,  rewarding myself with chocolate.

feel a lot calmer for having done that. and i just realised this afternoon has been the first time  for ages that i haven't had to fight off thoughts of doing the thing we don't mention.  so that is another plus.

just got to face the telephone call to dad now.  think that won't happen for a couple of days maybe. one thing at a time.

i sort of panic about calling people.  i had to sort out health insurance and i got two things in the mail and i was afraid to open them.  i did and it was good news and seriously i felt better all day.

well done! do u get that thing where u r afraid to open the mail when it comes through the door?

Quote from: arpy1 on November 23, 2015, 10:13:35 PM
today i am a little bit proud of myself. 

Yay you indeed!  :applause:



And there are times the mere sound of a letter dropping on my doormat sends me into a spin...  :stars:

Yes what is that about? Maybe from so many times that I've paid bills late.  I've messed up my life in so many ways.  I forget things. 
Yesterday I had three unpaid bills and I opened them but now I'm afraid to pay them. Like I'm frozen. So I put a note on the stack that said "these are bills. You must face them"

Quote from: tired on November 24, 2015, 09:03:30 AM
Maybe from so many times that I've paid bills late.

:yes:

Though there have been times (like now) where I have to scrape to make ends meet, so I'm sort of forced to pay them at the last moment, or even let them wait until the 2nd warning drops in...

Then I've had other nasty mail, but mostly it's bills that trigger me.

with me, i panic at any communication from anyone really.  like i have an invite to one of my old 'minded children's' 21st party - i can't possibly go, (me -parties - :sadno: :sadno: ) but i am panicking about how to say no, how much to tell her, whether she will be hurt....    sigh.

i try and do bills straight away, and set up standing orders/direct debits where poss so i don't ever see that money - it happens automatically and then i know where i am.  i can budget with what's left - let's face it, my financial situation is far from complex!  i worry that i will run out of money but at least it will only be food that get's missed once the bills are out of the way.  i know how to feed myself on a shoestring.

i had a friend once who was terribly phobic and it helped her if i went round and sat at her dining room table with her and her piles of paperwork - we'd drink coffee and she'd tackle them one at a time till she'd done. just having someone else to say well done each time she did one seemed to make it do-able.

one at a time helps too; one a day till they're paid? 

how did the simple acts of living get so terrifying  :stars: :stars: :stars: :stars:

talking of terrifying, i rang my dad today.  it took all my courage, and - no answer, so i was right, he must be in respite. unless something else has happened and my brother hasn't bothered to let me know.  i hope he (B) would stick to my request only to contact me in an emergency and that if dad was sick or something he would have called. but hey, no guarantee, he can be as stubborn as our dad - and a lot nastier.

but at least i did try and ring dad.  i'm no further forward though, as far as therapy is concerned.  i still feel afraid i am losing ground.  i wish i felt stronger and more able to sort myself out. i wish i could do it on my own. but that sort of defeats the object of getting better. if i go down that road i will end up a total curmudgeonly recluse like dad.

it's a strange paradox for a 'recovering' co-dependent; on the one hand i know i need help from someone trustworthy.  on the other hand i know that the only person who can meet my needs is me. 

i know that people simply aren't able to be everything to another person. god knows i tried to be everything to my husband for twenty years and i recognise now that it was in the hope that i could somehow heal him enough for him to meet my needs.  that so did not work. i ended up getting sucked dry and turning him into my 'son', not my partner.
destroyed myself, did him no favours either.

so what is the answer, when i manifestly can't cure myself?  if it was a physical illness, treatment would be available. since it is a mental illness, treatment is not.  does this mean that unless i can cure myself or magically find a few grand to pay for private treatment i stay sick? well, frankly, yes.  that makes me feel so frustrated, angry, scared, hopeless, helpless.  but hey, life is unfair. hard to stomach, but universally true.  at the moment i feel like a moth wriggling on a mounting pin.

Arpy1 -- it's funny, I don't see the person you seem to see. As I read your entry, what came through to me is a person that has had great difficulty in the past, but has beenstrong enough to remove herself from a 'toxic' path. I also see a person that in spite of the challenges in the past has endured and persisted, and who is brave enough to face the issues that have been taken her in directions that no longer fit who she believes herself to be down deep inside. It is difficult to let go of one's 'story', as it often has become our identity. Yet, the story is always about the past and not about the present moment. So the challenge becomes being in the moment more than living in the past. You have endured. You have taken brave steps to move away from a destructive past. And you are amazingly self-reflective, seeing the parts of you that no longer fit. So, i see someone on the cusp of change to a new path and I appreciate your reflective entries on this journey, as it helps me appreciate my strengths more.

thank you oakridge. i have to say, i can't see what you see, but i did appreciate what you said.  it freaked me out for a few days, so i thought about it a lot to try and work out why.  i think that the idea of endurance and persisting is one that has connotations, really.  i guess i have always endured and endured becos i had to and/or felt that i had to, first in the JP and then in my marriage.  i ran on empty for so many years - not just empty, i was in deficit. it created a lot of fear in me, having to keep going when i knew that i couldn't.  it's one of my biggest fears, i think.   

it's only in the last five years really that i have been in a position to say 'no' and to remove myself, as you say, from all the toxic situations i was trapped in.  but the fear persists, deeply - even writing this it triggers me.  i think that's what freaked me out.  not to say it isn't true, it just is flashback territory for me. 

i did like what you wrote about the present moment and i have been trying to catch myself when i feel really bad, and say 'what is in this moment, the present moment?' and that makes me realise there is nothing frightening mostly, happening to me at that precise minute.  it helps with the fear a bit. 

i wish i could feel i am on the cusp of change.  at the moment i feel like i am going backwards.  i know it's always going to be two steps forwards and one back but it is very hard to keep hope when you're in the going back bit!

anyway, thank you again, it was a kind and thoughtful post and i appreciated it.  :hug: :hug:

i have been very numbed out recently, since i changed meds, really. i think the new ones don't control my mood fully and i have been getting more and more depressed and thinking a lot about wishing i weren't here. i will never do anything to harm myself, no matter how tempted, becos i have the kids. i made that decision years ago and it is non-negotiable for me and it is forever.  but the depression gets very bad at times and life feels unbearable. i feel bad about deliberately zoning out becos i know it's not the best way to deal with stuff but i can't get my head round doing anything else.

my GP is very helpful and really wants to , as he puts it 'do something on my behalf' becos i think he can see that i have been really struggling lately, god bless him. he asked me if i would  be willing to try adding in a second antidepressant on a low dose, one with a sedative effect, anti-anxiety, in order to help me sleep. i was so desperate i said i would. and i have had two unbroken nights' sleep thank god!. 

he also asked if i would be willing for him to refer me to the nhs mental health team (since i haven't heard from my dad about whether he's willing to fund some more private therapy for me). i reluctantly agreed, and he is fully aware of the fiasco of the nhs therapist i had last winter and the problems with the private one i had after that. he told me exactly what he will put in the letter, and will explain in detail about that (naming the nhs one,  :aaauuugh:) as well as putting in 'his' concern that i am suffering from complex ptsd (i.e. if he says it is his opinion rather than mine, they are more likely to listen) and can they refer me to someone with relevant experience for one to one therapy rather than group therapy which he doesn't think would be at all helpful at this time.  what a star. i mean, they may not come up with anything helpful, but at least he is trying his best to get me what i need from them - if it is available.  knowing that he has my back reassures me that i am not totally without help.

anyway, altho i don't particularly feel much different on this additional med (bit soon, yet) except more brain-dead, just the fact that the GP is doing something and there may be a way forward that i will be able to handle has made things a bit easier. he always tells me i am better if i have a plan. i just hope this one doesn't go pear-shaped.

Heya arpy1,

Have you heard anything from your dad yet? And/or the Healthservices/appointment?
The medication change: how's it been the last week?

:hug: