Life for me has been one crisis after another if feels like.
Adopted at 2
Raised by highly narcissistic mother who used shaming and gaslighting regularly. I became hyper sensitive to reading peoples moods.
Raped at 16
Attempted suicide
Sent to psych ward
Diagnosed with Depression - couldn't be honest about my mother and the emotional abused. Blamed myself for not being stronger.
To escape home moved North to be with a boyfriend. Married Divorced.
1st break down. landed in hospital for severe exhaustion and depression. Medicated. Embarrassed and withdrew for a stretch to get my head on straight again.
Moved cities.
Moved Countries.
Relationship issues.
Moved Back to my country.
Started heavily drinking.
Fell in love
Got pregnant.
moved to his Country.
HEART BREAK - he left before my son was born. severe trauma. Abandoned in foreign country. Last and a lone.
My parents wouldn't help me come home. "You made your bed, now lie in it" Felt Shame, felt like a failure, felt tremendous grief. for years.
Started path to self self healing. Learned better self esteem and confidence and even self love.
My father got ill
after 10 years finally given support to move back home.
Fell in love with a new man - on the surface everything seemed great.
not long into our relationship discovered his ex was psychotic. Set out to make our lives a living *. Serious Trauma. Almost lost everything after 4 years of family court / emotional strain of his kids emotional and behavioural problems.
Dad dying and needed to be put in a home
I had a nervous breakdown. Emotionally and mentally exhausted. Diagnosed again with Depression. Medicated.
Slow 6 month to a year climb back up to a good place.
Switched jobs (for like the 4th time in as many years)
They treat me and other workers terribly. Tried to use learned communication skills to stand up for myself and others. DOn't get anywhere. feel ignored, unvalued, and worthless.
Have a Panic attack at work. Have to get wheeled out by Ambulance EMBARRASSED AS *. Feel such shame and small again. Unable to shake it off.
Go on 2 weeks short term disability. Diagnosed with Panic and Anxiety plus still on antidepressants precipitated by work stress.
Trying to figure out what to do in my life to get a handle on the reoccurring traumas, dramas, and overwhelming feeling like a failure.
:stars:
hello cosmicdust,
just want to say hi and welcome to this site. blimey, what a history you've had to go through! i take my hat off to you for the fact that you have survived, let alone managed to hold your life together for such a long time. please, please don't feel like a failure, to me you sound like a very strong person. i mean that, i know what it's like to survive long periods of stress and trauma. and how it grinds you down till your coping strategies wear so thin they feel like they are breaking.
i hope you will feel that you can vent and get a bit of kind, non judging support here. there's a lot of comfort in sharing experiences good and bad, with people who understand. there are some interesting resources that are posted in various bits of the site as well, some of them may help to make a bit of sense of things and start on the slow path to healing. :hug: :hug: :hug:
Hi thank you for sharing - I can really relate -
My history is a long mental health one - depression/anxiety -breakdown - not coping - relationship problems - addiction - and yes all with much shame - grief - low ++ self worth and social problems
All as I've learnt part and parcel of cptsd -
I have bought Pete walkers book 'surviving to thriving ' have u read it ? Lots of good resources
Things started to change for me when I put down the addictions - alcohol first ( 5 yrs sober AA ) and food addiction (FA 12 step programme)
Have done many things over the yrs in terms of therapy - healing - meds
It was when I realised I fitted in to cptsd frame that I started to feel alive and hopeful - I self referred to a psychology service in UK ( funded by NHS) and I told them I seem to have cptsd that I very gratefully received a child trauma therapist - 4 mths working with her has been the most affirming work I have done - work on my thinking / relationship with my self - self worth - shame - relationships with others - belief system and my emotional regulation -
The biggest thing was that I felt truly heard and understood as an adult and where I came from -
I always knew there was hope ( even when it was so dark ) I felt it inside me and decided long ago wouldn't give up till I was 'there'
Of course it's a work in progress how I relate to me and others but I feel I have come far
I can't do this journey alone ( even though my mental health has often put me there - I need support and help -
Finding what is right for us to move and feel we are getting the right help and healing
It is exhausting and I can feel that in your story - changes and upheavals - upset and trauma -
Yes I can identify - stress is a big one for me and I can easily tip - I now work a shorter week and need to take extra downtime and can't take too much on - I've learnt to say no and put my health first - not to feel I need to take on the world anymore
Having things to look forward to are also v important - even simple things - well especially simple things :)
I also really needed to learn about co dependence and how it was affecting me - melody beatie books are good as a start
I hope u can find space in your day to be a little free from all that we endure -
I very much need to keep not identifying with my head too much and using all the things I have learnt - they help much - a toolbox of good tools for mental/ emotional / social help is the best gift I've received :)
All best wishes to you on this part of your recovery
Welcome.
I agree with Arpy 1. You aren't a failure to have survived so much. I've learned none of us are failures. We have survived.
We have similar experiences but never the same. You aren't alone.
I realize sometimes waking up in the morning and getting out of bed is progress. After that we learn to grow.
I'm glad you are here.
Hi,
Similar backgrounds. Welcome. Stay the course. Never give up. Hold your ground. Find healing. And no matter what - do NOT repeat what has hurt you in the past. Run from it like fire till that time comes when you're ready to look at it with compassion.
Hi, I'm new too.
Goodness, give yourself a break and take a deep breath. I'm glad you're still here. We're in this together. :hug: