ok, here goes...
i started (really, just barely started) inner child work in therapy this last week or so. frankly, all i have done so far is write down all my memories of early childhood and acknowledged the fact that i don't feel anything about them.
it took months for me to start to trust my T this much. i have told her i need her to go really slowly and she is doing. and i have twigged that she spends a lot of time keeping me cool, just generally talking to wind me down or to keep me wound down. she is very aware of how every session i had with my first T would leave me totally traumatised. so she is very careful not to do that.
ok. so. it has taken a lot, and has only been in the last week or so, that i have been able to acknowledge that i really do need to address my early years, even if it means taking focus off what i thought i was in therapy for, i.e abuse suffered as adult. it was a big and scary step even to get to this point because it involves the other person i have in my head (the one i call the screaming sobbing woman) and allowing her out. i have spent decades keeping her locked down.
anyway, i did it, and now, well, i just feel blank. most of the time. the rest of the time i am up and down like a yo-yo, angry one minute, weepy the next, but about things that are totally unrelated to my childhood.but these little episodes last no more than half an hour tops, then, back to this horrible grey blankness. like a blanket drops onto my head and everything goes muffled. this is dissociation according to my T. but i am not in control of it. it comes and goes without warning.
i feel very out of control and i really hate it. i can't settle down, somehow, i can't cope with reading, watching tv, all the things i usually use to distract myself with. i am all over the place.
what i am supposed to be feeling at this point? why do i feel so blank and yet simultaneously so volatile? i am very confused here and would be grateful if anyone who's done this stuff would drop me a few tips? i can't give up now i've started but i feel so lost.
thanks for listening to this lot.
Hi arpy1, how brave you are with this inner child work. My own experience is that it can be quite overwhelming at times, though ultimately rewarding to grieve out some of the buried pain.
I hope you can keep your exploration going at a slow enough pace so that you can avoid being too overwhelmed. Sometimes it is tempting to try to do it all at once and get it over with, but my own experience is that rushing into so much old stuff all at once can be just too much to cope with.
So I hope you can take good care of yourself along the way. All the best to you on this heroic journey of yours! :hug:
thanks, Trees that's kind. i wish i did feel brave. :blink:
Something I feel compelled to point out...you said: "i wish i did feel brave."
You don't need to wish or feel it to be truly brave. It doesn't come with a sign or horns blaring. The brave person rarely sees what they're really accomplishing. Because it's hard. In everything I've seen you post about your IC work, the bravery is obvious.
I haven't done any IC work specifically labeled as such, but I've also gone through 9 T's and a lot of it touched on what is known as IC. One reason for the 9 T's is because I often bailed when it got too rough. That's not very brave and I'm not especially proud I couldn't handle it.
It's natural to wonder why it seems so hard. Must it be like this? Who knows. All I know as an observer is I admire what I've seen so far...you'll make it through. Like Trees indicated and your T appears to agree to...keep it slow..the common saying is "slow and easy" but we know that's usually not how this goes. How can it? We're stepping over a lot of hurt that still stings.
Keep on... :hug:
thank you so much for that affirming post, woodsgnome. i guess you're right, if you feel brave then you probably don't need to dredge up courage.
i suppose i am just wishing for it to go quicker than it can. to stop the fear/pain/panic/lostness/whatever it is that feels so bad. but that ain't gonna happen is it? i hate slow. i hate not being in control. i hate not knowing exactly what is going on and exactly what is going to happen next. i hate it. i hate being caught out, shown up, shown to be not in control.... (sorry, ranting there)... but i guess that's exactly what this is all about isn't it? better get used to it.. sigh.. oh god, i'm scared.
sorry. rant over. thanks again for your kindness. you are wise, i love that. :hug: :hug:
You hate slow huh? You like to take the hurdles fast, Oi?
"And it's arpy1 in lane 8... And off they go!"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O1QjMCPJn5A
(You can't win them all, can you ;) )
:rofl: ok ok, i get the message...... but, but.... :pissed: no fair!!
How are you now arpy1, a few days down the road?
What did your T say about the pre-session work you did?
:hug:
hey, thank you for asking. i have been pretty bad in my mind this last few days, that's why i have been quiet. just very low, very sad, guess my mood has really taken a nosedive after all that memory stuff.
um, therapy was ok. she said that what i had written about my early years sounded as if i was writing about someone else, not a surprise, as that was how it felt anyway. we started talking about mistaken beliefs and stuff, very gently. it was ok.
till she started on at me about picking up the pottery again becos it would be good therapy (which i know it would, i am most at peace when i am working with clay), no matter that i have absolutely no money and stuff, she got all enthused and said she'd try and help me find a workshop and that i could even share one with her husband who wanted to do glass and she would start looking round for us.... i freaked out on the way home and thought, what have i done, just what i always do, get carried away by someone else's enthusiasm and let them lead my along by the nose. i am so not ready to face trying to do something big like getting a studio yet.
as soon as i got home i emailed her and said no way, becos my experience of trying to add business in with any relationship has always ended very badly and i got screwed out of quite a bit of £ by some friends i trusted the last time. to say nothing of the fact that her husband is a) asperger's (fine if i was well, i have experience with asperger's/autistic spectrum, but not at this time and b) he is a man, which after having been in bad relationship and having been sexually assaulted by a man at church and harrassed by another at work i can't even contemplate...*, all people scare me let alone the male of the species! and c) i don't even know this guy and to share studio space there has to be a particularly good dynamic or it is a nightmare. so, well, it simply ain't gonna happen.
have to admit i think she was well out of line, pressuring me, and definitely beyond her remit suggesting i work with her husband.. i really feel very uncomfortable with it. i can't imagine what she was thinking, so my trust in her, which has taken months to build, took a big knock.
so all in all i am afraid i am not doing too well. i keep trying to read posts on here and stuff but everything just triggers me, even little stuff and i can't read them and have to do something else.. sorry, for this splurge. :sadno: but thanks for caring. hope you are doing ok too, with the sister stuff. :hug: :hug:
Wow. Well done for asserting your boundaries. :thumbup:
She's your T. Not her husband.
:thumbup: Kudos.
Wishing you the best.
Thanks for sharing. :wave:
thanx and kudos back to u too, re the sister thingy. just read ur post. :hug:
It's odd, some of the things T's come up with. Maybe they're bored and like sticking little kinks in their approach with the real live people paying them for their expertise?
Your T perhaps got carried away with her own cleverness. I've been around a couple of those. It's okay to feel bad, but it seems like you're also doing well to question what happened. Bottom line is always you.
Writing about your child "self" as if it was someone else is a problem? Where's the right/wrong of what you wrote? Didn't she agree to go slow in the first place? It's pretty hard on a first go to navigate the minefield of childhood memories, let alone be expected to write to someone else's contrived standards. And then she wanders off to setting you up with something else altogether? Odd. :sadno: :stars: From what you wrote here, you put so much effort into this, and were invalidated by her, but NOT by those of us who support you. Okay?
Going back to what was discussed earlier on this thread, I see you as a brave explorer...this foray may have gotten you lost in the woods, but here you are, feeling bad but still wanting and hoping.
The journey still beckons. Your searching has hit on one of those step forward/couple back stumbles; so you return to the road, it was where your dreams were. It seems important to take the steps on your own. All of them--a T can suggest, but you're always in charge. Even at your lowest emotional ebb.
"Not doing well", as you said, is only a step. There may be better ones just around the corner. :hug:
Arpy1, I just read your account of your therapist, and I'm a bit shocked. She was, as you tell the story, way out of bounds to suggest that you set up a studio with her husband. I can understand that she might have been problem solving and truly trying to help two artists find affordable space. But to establish any such arrangement affects her relationship with you. It would probably mean some kind of social encounter. Any conflict over the space would place her in the middle. And at the very least such an arrangement would place demands on her husband, someone you don't now know.
I hope, for your sake, that she just "checked out" for a moment and got carried away with a possibility.
By way of comparison, my T has an admirable grasp of boundaries. We know a few of the same people, whom she identified for me at my first visit and allowed me to decide whether the relationships posed a problem (they don't). I'm well aware that she's someone I might have befriended, had we met under different circumstances, but the task at hand is not to be friends, let alone business partners once removed.
Despite your state of mind (you were doing IC work!), you've had the presence to handle this brilliantly.
Give yourself much credit.
thanks for that WsG, i really do appreciate the support. don't really quite expect people to care when i am in a funk like i am at present. just feel like i should shake myself up and be ok, stop being a wuss. i am always surprised but really touched people seem to care and want to support.
you're right about me putting a lot of effort into what i wrote. i don't even think she was making a value judgment about it, just passing a remark, but maybe i was expecting a little more in the way of feedback, i don't know.
yeah, that thing with the pottery, it was odd and i feel quite weird about my T now. it's so hard to be continually watching for people to screw me over but i just do it now without realising it. i never learned to protect myself before the last couple years, but now i am so uber-untrusting it's the total opposite to how i was trained. i remind myself of the XFiles... 'Trust No-one'. i guess i just never learnt how to do boundaries, so now i know i can/should i am throwing loads of them up at the least suspicion of a threat. not the best approach in a therapeutic relationship, but i am not sure how to fix it, especially if she keeps throwing me flankers. can't take any more damage.
you're right tho, i just have to keep going. hope to find the way back to my path soon though, it's pretty dark in these damn woods. thanks for the loan of your candles, WsG and D/U. i owe you's :hug: :hug:
Stillhere, you nailed it exactly. exactly. i wasn't wrong to feel the way i felt, was i?
i don't know if i have the courage to actually tell her all that and ask her why she felt it was appropriate to suggest it so enthusiastically. i'm not good at face to face confrontations, but equally, like i say, i feel weird about the whole thing with her now. maybe as you say, it was an aberration.
besides which i really don't feel like i could start all over again with someone new...
think i may have to deal with this, really. oh, :pissed:bad words bad words :pissed:...worse words .... :pissed: :pissed: :pissed: :pissed: :pissed: :pissed: :pissed: :pissed:
or maybe i will go and find a big dark warm hole and hibernate till it all goes away??? :zzz:
Yes, it's unfair that you have to confront her. But if she's the professional she should be, you won't have to say much. She should fall all over herself with apologies. If she gets defensive, well, you may want to rethink her being your therapist.
A pro should be able to handle such a challenge. It shouldn't even be heard as a challenge.
If you really don't want to confront face to face, why not write a letter or send an email? Even if she were to read the letter/email when you next see her, you'd have worked through your explanation.
And you have people on this site to back you up.
hey arpy1-
You must just be so likable she temporarily forgot she had a business relationship with you and wished she could be your friend! ;D
thanks guys, it's good to know i am not dealing alone with stuff like this. stillhere, you are right. it ain't fair. but i still have to do something. maybe i will e her before next session.
serkinglight... eeek hope not!! i am not doing friends at the moment. none. not one. nada. totally not. and what's more, she knows that i see no-one and go nowhere. even my GP asked to see me every fortnight even tho i don't think i need to, becos he worries about me isolating myself. (i told him it was too late to worry.) but i don't mind seeing him. he never blurs boundaries, and is always respectful.
sigh...what a tangled web the whole relationship thing becomes.
Arpy1, an email seems like a really good idea. And if you do it before the next session, you won't have to spend so much precious session time explaining.
Your T may, like your GP, be searching for ways to remove you from isolation. Her suggestion may have been a statement of concern, although still way out of bounds.
I'm really hoping she quickly recognizes the boundary violation and apologizes. If she does, you'll have a good indication about her.
Along the lines of what stillhere observed, it may be good to tip the T ahead of time about exactly where you stand. If for no other reason, just to affirm to both (her and you) how you felt about what she laid out and why you can't honestly consider that; not in an accusatory manner so as not to give her an option to turn the focus on her needs instead of yours.
No matter what some T's act like, it's always an interactive dance between equals. Even if one side seems more desperate for answers, it's only their own power they're reaching for and the T is assisting that process.
While I'm not seeing a T now, I know the feeling of wanting to follow everything they say, as I was weary of my own wanderings. I know there were times when I held back, didn't assert, and everything seemed to come unglued. So maybe you can reset the focus of your next session.
The whole inner child workbook, as hard as you worked with it, seemed like it was easily diminished and deflected by her. Maybe if you point it out, she can pull back and realize yeah, apry1 is right. Maybe it'll come down to her realizing she had a bad day. Or maybe not, but you'll know you tried.
Good luck. :hug:
QuoteNo matter what some T's act like, it's always an interactive dance between equals. Even if one side seems more desperate for answers, it's only their own power they're reaching for and the T is assisting that process.
yes, you are right, and i so easily forget she's not my 'elder' or something. easy to slot back into my trained mindset. thanks for reminding me.
therapy session this morning, so watch this space!
ok. so, i totally blew it today. totally. i bottled out of saying what i had planned, skirted round it and so, well, i just screwed it up.
then we talked loads about inconsequential stuff only touching on my stuff when i consciously steered the conversation but even then what was said was woolly and no help. i got the impression she is worn out and can't wait for her holiday. she seemed not to want to address anything in any proactive way. i am sure i wasn't imagining it, but it's like she wanted to talk about anything but me. i know that sounds totally self centred but what the ... am i there for? certainly not to discuss the syrian refugee crisis, social housing and immigration and divers other interesting topics including other clients, including one of their first names...isn't that supposed to be a no-no? i came away having decided that's it. i am not going back. so i came home and drafted a letter setting out my reasons as clearly, kindly and honestly as i could. and now i haven't the guts to send that either.
i hate myself for being such a coward. i hate that i can't be confident and assertive. maybe this could have worked out if i had tackled the issues early on. instead i have been the passive partner, been, as usual, the 'done to' person instead of an equal. and as usual i end up feeling backed into a corner with nowhere to go. what an idiot i am.
problem is i am running out of money and i can't afford to be wasting it on this if it's not going to work..
:sadno:
Quote from: arpy1 on September 10, 2015, 04:41:32 PM
including other clients, including one of their first names...isn't that supposed to be a no-no?
That is definitely a no-no. :pissed: Ridiculous.
Quotewhat the ... am i there for? certainly not to discuss the syrian refugee crisis, social housing and immigration and divers other interesting topics
Certainly not. If you would have wanted that, you would have taken a stroll to the nearest pub or proverbial hairdresser, no?
Piling up
other(s) problems on you? Highly unprofessional.
Quotei came away having decided that's it. i am not going back.
Yay you. :thumbup: What a bummer this T. :thumbdown:
Quoteok. so, i she totally blew it today. totally. i she bottled out of saying what i had planned she should have planned, skirted round it and so, well, i she just screwed it up.
[...]
i know that sounds totally self centred but [...] i hate myself for being such a coward.
Dear arpy1, you may put all those labels on her. You are not self-centered, you came for and payed for a service to be provided
for and to you. And you are most definitely not a coward.
Quoteproblem is i am running out of money and i can't afford to be wasting it on this if it's not going to work..
Big bummer. You might consider not paying for this. Let her proof that what she did today (and last time) is actually value for money.
Write her you won't pay (and you'll see her in court over this if need be). I bet she'll have a hard time convincing any court (and/or professional association she might (should?) be part of) that this had anything to do with ICT-work.
But you may not want to go there. I have something like this slip once, since I simply couldn't, and wasn't willing, to focus my attention on picking a fight.
Most definitely though, she doesn't deserve any pay.
What a character :thumbdown: .
Sending you :bighug:
PS: write down the name of these clients, and what she disclosed to you about them. You don't have to be elaborate. Just the tidbits that are clearly part of patient-confidentiality.
You may not use it in the end, but it might be a good thing to have if you'll refuse to pay.
I would like to punch this woman :pissed: .
(I won't ;D )
Yeah, that is completely unacceptable!! What a doofus! (Not you, her.) She probably used your session for some "down time" during her day. Well, if you could bring yourself to tell her how you felt about this (I know it's not easy, but that's what you're supposed to be able to do in therapy--that's why you go there--they're supposed to be able to handle exactly this sort of stuff), maybe you can turn it around. I don't think it's beyond repair (although you may have lost faith in her to the point where you feel it is..). Anyway, please don't blame yourself! It's her, not you!!! :hug:
Arpy1, this woman is worse than useless. First, she violates the most obvious of boundaries. Now she wastes your sessions with irrelevant topics.
You need to move on! Yes, documenting her violations is a good idea, but you may not want a confrontation. Actually, you pretty clearly don't want a confrontation, or you'd have confronted her about the egregious boundary violation from a session ago.
I don't know what options you have, but I do think dealing with this T is distracting you from the real work at hand. You need -- and deserve -- someone who's engaged in your struggle, committed to your progress, and generally looking out for your interests. If that's too much to ask, then therapy isn't worthwhile.
you guys are making me cry, i feel so touched :'( thank you for affirming me.
but i feel so scared and useless and my head has exploded. i wish i was brave but i'm not. i can't deal with this stuff. i send D/U a pm with more detaila; don't mind you folks knowing it but my T knows i use this site and i don't want her to happen on this in the public zone. but honestly, it's worse than what i put in this thread.
sorry for being such a drip. but thanks for your support. my head has gone now so i am gonna go and try and calm down. will check in later. :hug: :hug: :hug: to all.
How ironic! This therapist just had an entire session to engage with you about your concerns, and she checked out instead. And now you are (rightly) concerned that she could be trolling you on on line.
You shouldn't have to be brave. But here you are having to deal with this woman. I agree with Dutch Uncle that you shouldn't need to be pay. You need to decide, though, whether you want to confront her. Perhaps you need most of all to extricate yourself from this "therapeutic" relationship. That decision makes sense too.
I'm very sorry it turned out like that. :sadno: I can't tell you how many times I went through this self-blame funk you're in. It's an awful feeling that might take a while to heal. There's certainly no right/wrong on your part; you tried and gave her every benefit of the doubt.
You didn't blow anything, either. From what you've shared, it's obviously a massive failure on her part, not yours. She didn't seem ready to go beyond her preordained assumptions, or work with you, or even meet you halfway, dominating the time you were paying for with irrelevant chit-chat. You held your end of the bargain, and returned, albeit with doubts. You wanted this so bad, and she flippantly took your money besides.
About the letter--I've a hunch it wouldn't matter to her; certainly not like it does to you. Showing her that sort of courtesy doesn't seem fair, somehow. And you need to be fair to you, first. Something I used to do with letters like the one you're thinking about--I'd write 'em, read 'em again to myself, digest what I wanted to learn from this, and then burn it. Symbolically, if not emotionally, it gave at least a small sense of doing something, anything, to move to the next step.
Discussing other clients? Way beyond the pale. I had one of those too--even worse she spread her stuff around in a group setting like a town gossip, using names. My last T wandered so far afield from my needs I finally blew him off last December. Often before I'd utter a word in session, he was consulting me about some personal problem of his--he wanted me as his T, and I was paying him! :stars:
This after-bit will be hard, but look how far you've come, even without formal therapy, from your old stuff. You were strong enough then, you will make it past this, too.
:bighug:
Quote from: woodsgnome on September 10, 2015, 06:46:41 PM
Discussing other clients? Way beyond the pale. I had one of those too--even worse she spread her stuff around in a group setting like a town gossip, using names. My last T wandered so far afield from my needs I finally blew him off last December. Often before I'd utter a word in session, he was consulting me about some personal problem of his--he wanted me as his T, and I was paying him! :stars:
:applause: Listen to this wise women, arpy1. It's spot on.
Quote from: stillhere on September 10, 2015, 06:42:09 PM
How ironic! This therapist just had an entire session to engage with you about your concerns, and she checked out instead. And now you are (rightly) concerned that she could be trolling you on on line.
:yeahthat:
guys, thank you so so much for all you say here, it is really helping me to sort out my head. i'm afraid i was in such a panic :dramaqueen: last night, i ended up taking valium and went to bed. glad to report i feel much calmer today! :blink:
i am going to let it lie for a few days now and think about it.
Quoteyou need to be fair to you, first.
yes, and i am going to look out for myself here, you're right, this isn't about her.
and i agree it may not be best for me to confront at all, but to do the letter writing-but-not-sending and then move on. do i need yet another battle? probably not. but i will see how i feel when i am sane again.
thanks again for all your kindness. i can't imagine, now, how i managed before i discovered this site.
ok today is not being a good day. in a state, frankly, of superduper anxiety about all this. and to top it off, i just had the rather disturbing thought that maybe she talks about me to other clients the way she talks about them to me... i would be the wacky one who used to live in a cult....that it not a nice thought.
Yep. :sadno:
She'll probably focus on you being wacky for not returning to her, though. And for not wanting to team up with her autistic husband. Her audience will see you as the sane one. :thumbup:
:hug:
Oh dear, Arpy1, I'm afraid you may be right: she may indeed include your story in her litany of clients whose confidence she violates. I suppose reporting her in some way could silence her, though there's no guarantee.
Chances are she has little credibility and, I'm guessing, a revolving door through which many clients have clients have departed.
You need to do what's best for you. If confronting her in some way is threatening (rather than, say, cathartic or empowering), then it's a challenge you don't need. Part of recovery and having a life is picking your battles. There's no shame in that.
can't tell you the mess this has made of my head... i was moaning a few days ago about feeling numb. well, i could really go for numb right now. i just feel like i can't deal with this. colitis is flared, anxiety levels off the scale, feel sick, heart in throat, can't settle, can't think... panic barely contained, self recriminations barely contained... madness barely contained.... :doh: :doh: :doh: you know the kind of thing i'm sure
i was just starting to let myself trust this person and get really vulnerable and ...yet again... i am screwed. no wonder i self isolate. no wonder i decided not to trust again...why didn't i just listen to myself this time as well??? will i ever learn?
i hate that i have been such an idiot again. i am so gullible and i get screwed every single time. but i have nothing left to fight with. you're right, to confront would be too threatening and scary. i am just trying to think of how to get out of this without telling an outright lie or worse, telling the plain truth.
i emailed the situation to my GP and i am going to try and talk to him on monday. he is good, and he has my back, i think. (i think - put it this way, he hasn't done anything bad...yet) and he's actually the only other professional who knows my situation. i hope he is willing to input about all this. even if just to say it sucks.
i know, tho, that i am the only one who can get myself out of this mess. trouble is it just keys into all the things that make me panic. like a mega-tsunami within the confines of my brain-pan... and i can't stop myself no matter how i reason with myself. ho hum...valium x2 again tonite, i think. at least i didn't hit the bottle. i ate choc tho, much, much choc. and ice cream. o dear.
sorry for the rant. again.
And here's the double whammy of psychological vulnerability, yes? Or is a triple whammy? In any case, therapy require the lowering of defenses but then leaves one vulnerable to the trauma of unprofessional conduct. One has to trust to participate adequately in therapy, but one's trust can then be violated.
SHE IS THE PROBLEM HERE! Her behavior should cost her something, perhaps loss of license to practice but at the very least an inquiry and some sanction, if only a warning.
So YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME. You didn't make an error in judgment. Rather, you did the best you could with the information you had.
Might your GP help? Perhaps he will promote some sort of investigation. Perhaps he can help you find someone competent. And, no, you're not the only one who can extricate yourself -- or rather you shouldn't be. You should have support. This kind of outrageous behavior is the reason health care professionals need credentials and oversight.
oh my word! Guys, i have done it! i have sacked my T. i sent the email (final version, with grateful thanks for all your input, esp D/U's) and hopefully she will respect my request that she not contact me. i am a bit scared, but i have done it. so yay ME!
i don't think i could have got to this point, not got through the huge EFs that this whole sorry drama have triggered, without the help and support and affirmation that i received from you people. today, for the first time in a week, i am starting to feel more relaxed.
i saw my GP this morning and he absolutely agreed with what i wrote to her, and altho he wishes that i would find another T, he agrees that i am wise to give it a break before even thinking about it.
we have agreed that i will start to swap meds ( i've been on mirtazipine for nine months and i have gained 35 pounds in weight. urghhh) so i am swapping back to citalopram.
and he is so sweet, says i can call him anytime if i get into difficulties. just the reassurance that i can do so will probably be enuf to prevent me needing to, altho i kno the changeover in meds isn't gonna be easy.
not sure where i am heading now, but if i can just reclaim my body from the increased poundage i'll feel a whole lot better about myself. it's a start.
thanks again, everyone.
:bighug:
Yeah! Yay you! :cheer:
:woohoo:
:fireworks:
Congratulations, Arpy1, you've worked through this!
That's wonderful arpy!!!!!! Yay you indeed :cheer:
Arpy1, i hope you are doing ok.
If i could take this away from you, and others, i would.
It is scary, and I'm not glad at all that anyone else eels this way, but it is comforting to know I'm not alone in my fear.
I agree, that even if we don't have a choice but to go through pain in our lives, and even if we don't feel brave, we are brave. Just because you don't have a choice, you are still have to survive this.
You are even braver, because of the very fact that you are * scared and you don't *feel brave*. And you don't know where this recovery is going or how long it will be.
Its like you have to be strong. Thats how i feel. and i know it may be my inner protector / parent trying to help me when she doesn't know how, trying to tell the child that its ok (with out invalidating her experience), so it might not be right to think that i have to be strong.
Just, the way i survived was having another part of me step back so that I'm not overwhelmed by my inner childs feelings, and the inner child feels she needs her to be strong, because my inner child can't do this alone. Hopefully she will be able to in time, if thats whats needed. (all parts need to be integrated so they work together).
I just wanted you to know that it helps me to feel less isolated and alone reading your post.
and i want it to be over quickly too, and i also think it is not fair.
I also hate not being in control. I hate not wanting to face the pain for the fear, and i hate disassociating beyond my control too like you said, so that the pain can't be over.
Ranting is good. It helps you get out how you are feeling, and this is what it is about in order to heal and to feel better. Talking about the injustice of it all with others who *get it*, is helpful i think.
:hug:
Just wanted to add that I also hope you are doing well Arpy, you are missed here at OOTS :hug:
Me too Arpy1. Very much. :hug: