Recently I got a massage at a massage parlor with my boyfriend, and was touched inappropriately, and didn't say anything until after the massage, when I burst into tears (after the predator had left the room) I proceeded to file a report with the police, and the Massage Council of my state, and also spoke with the owner (who tried to downplay it, but ended up firing the guy).
I recently called the police investigations unit to make sure they were investigating the matter since I didn't want to let that guy get away with hurting anyone else. Also I wanted to get my money refunded from that place, which didn't happen.
Today the Deputy Sheriff called me while I was at school and told me they can't help with the money part and I would have to file a civil law suit, but that they are investigating, its just much harder since I didn't say anything during the massage and waited until after (it looks like I could have made it up to DA, etc). He asked me "Why didn't you do anything when you were being touched inappropriately at the time?"
When he asked me this, just about an hour ago, I was standing outside my classroom for the 3rd and final class of the day/week, and I said "Because I was molested by my parents, and I didn't know how. This is what happens to adults who are abused in their childhood."
Then I lost it. I've lost it. I missed class. I cried the whole way home. I feel like I don't even know how to protect myself as an adult. I feel embarrassed. I'm overwhelmed. I'm so devastated and I just got sober, and usually I just get high or drunk to numb all this pain out, but now I feel it, but my boyfriend is in India, and I feel so all alone and I feel so little, and angry and sad and unheard. I'm just not okay.
The whole way home I just wanted to do something to make the pain go away. Anything. but I have come so far, and I don't want to ruin it. I can't contain my emotional state right now because I am so overwhelmed. I miss my family even though they were so terrible to me, and they are the reason that this is all happening to me. THis isn't my fault :'(
I just needed to be heard
KayFly,
You wrote: "I'm just not okay." I don't think any one of us could feel okay following what you've gone through. Something else you said contains what you need to know—you're not going back on what you've worked so hard to find. Your words speak loud and clear on that score: "I have come so far, and I don't want to ruin it. I can't contain my emotional state right now".
Trouble is, it probably hurts more, right now, precisely because you are on that new path you've created. The hurt isn't your fault, and the spark to react as you have shows that this incident will not stop your progress. It's too valuable to lose what you've gained.
You haven't ruined a thing. The circumstances you describe are truly awful, but you're still doing the best, maybe better, than many could with this situation. If you weren't devastated by this, it might indicate something was indeed wrong. It's an emotional hit but it doesn't alter your hard-earned path.
What you share on this site is a testament to everything that's not just okay, but wonderful about you. Thank you for being here. :hug:
Aww thanks woodsgnome :hug:
I have tears pouring down my face. Thank you also for being here.
I really appreciate how much you just validated my situation, and how you reminded me that I have worked really hard to get where I am, that these feelings are normal, hard, but that it's not my fault that I am in this pain. That is huge. Sometimes I feel so crazy.
You are so observant and supportive and kind. You really have a way with your words too :) Thank you again for being here. It means a lot, especially in these times when we need the most support. It's important. I feel better now.
Can I add just a little anecdote? Just after I sent you the post above, an awesome deer strolled out of the woods by the window from where this computer is. It seemed special, how that happened at that moment..and I think it was. So maybe the deer was just adding its own message for you. Let me interpret what I think it was trying to say....
;) :wave: :bighug: :bigwink:
I love that. I always feel safe when I see deer. They are just so delicate and sensitive. :)
Give the deer a hug for me lol
Kayfly :hug:I am so sorry that you had to experience something like this. Your feelings are completely understandable and normal for having gone through what you did. It was very brave of you to come here and share after it happened. You are so right this is NOT your fault. All the work and healing you have done is something to be very proud of. I sure hope they get that guy and he gets what he deserves. I feel the Sheriff's question was kind of out of line. Making a comment at the time could have put you in more danger. You did the right thing. I see so much courage in the way you handled it. :hug:
Thanks you fairyslipper :hug:
I hope you're feeling better today. That's a horrible thing to have gone through. I think you're really strong for sticking to your path.
Many, many :bighug:
Hey thanks Widdiful Falling. :wave: i do feel much better today. Thank you for saying I am strong :) Yesterday was very hard. But I feel strong.
I actually filled a lawsuit in Small Claims court against the company today. That felt good. I think I've got a lot on my side. And it's empowering, just to even try, even if I didn't get it. But what I asked for was more than reasonable. And like I said, a lot of the evidence and everything is all on my side. It all speaks for itself.
Southbound. I think that the Deputy who called me, totally believed me, even though he asked that question, and the answer to my question, as my T pointed out, is a very important thing for Law Enforcement to know. It's huge. They should know that, whether or not you are coming from a past of sexual abuse or any other kind of trauma, many people wouldn't say anything in that position, because being touched inappropriately while in a massage is hard to identify and is confusing at times.
The police officer who took the report believed me, the Deputy Sheriff believed me, both investigators believe me, and there is evidence on paper that shows the owner trying to downplay the situation...So Who knows how many other people he had done it to? I want to make it very difficult for him to ever be in that place of power again, and I am sure that is precisely what will happen. And that business is going to get hit hard. What the * kind of hiring process? I don't even care. Not my problem anymore. I'm done.
Bravo!
Kayfly, u r amazing. hope you can feel proud at the way u r handling this horrible incident. it's a testament to the work you have done over the years that you are in a place to be able to tackle it, becos, believe me, it's a biggie many would not cope with. serious respect to you. :hug: :hug: :hug:
Thanks so much :hug:
I just want to offer a virtual hug to you :hug:
Thank you Butterfly. Right back atcha :hug:
My guess: It gets easier to say no once you try it a few times. over time you practice it in many different situations. For me it was partly about not feeling like I had the option to say no to anything. Partly just freezing in my tracks.
Taking control a bit at a time was key for me and it meant that I had to seriously not care about a lot of people. I don't mean bad people necessarily just regular people who wanted something I couldn't give. Eventually it carried over into dating situations and I was surprised to find out (eventually) that saying no was super easy and I didn't care about the feelings of the other person. I was in situations where one would feel sort of obligated to continue if you catch my drift and I would say I don't want to do this anymore. The guy would be surprised and mad or whatever and I didn't care. I guess it could have turned out to be dangerous. Something in my head clicked and I realized no one would help me ever except me which really is something I decided when I was 9. Maybe it's a matter of coming full circle. I was right the first time.
So once again, I am not okay because of this situation.
I reported the sexual battery to the local police department, and to the Massage Council therapy, who are both investigating the massage parlor and masseuse who was using his power to be abusive during my massage. These are good things, that it is being investigated.
But I asked the owner of the business to refund the money for the massage, and she never did. I have proof that is in police evidence of her confirmation via email saying she would pay for it. It's only $109 in the big scheme of things, but I'm freaking out.
I filed a small claims court suit for the money plus an extra $800 for damages (trauma, therapy costs), but I got the paperwork back saying I filled it out all wrong, and that stack of papers, although it should be an easy thing, is driving me into an insane EF right now.
I'm all over the place. I feel like I have been in an EF for 3 days. I don't want to file the paperwork anymore, so I gave the stupid lady a chance and told her that if I don't see the refund to my card in 2 weeks, she will hear from small claims court. But some part of me feels bad for not fighting harder. I'm on the brink of tears. I have fought so hard. Maybe this is just my inner critic beating me up.
My sweet partner, said just give her the warning, and don't worry about the paperwork for now, because it's not worth the stress. This rang true so I tried to let it go. But then when I sent the email out, the "final warning" I all of a sudden was not okay again.
Trigger Warning
I was molested by both mom and dad, so this might actually be a giant emotional flashback into that helpless feeling as a little girl.
The thing is like, I have homework to do. I have a life to take care of and a lot of external stress as well as all this stuff, and it's like I refuse to work on anything I need to because I'm just so upset and nothing I do is helping me find ease. Maybe it's time to dive into Pete Walker's book and take a bath.
I just needed to vent about this. Like I don't know anything about suing people. And contacting that owner again made me feel unsafe and there is all just too much going on. It's weird. I can't even cry. I just feel panicked.
this EF sounds like a real biggie this time, dear Kayfly. and i reckon you're doing all the right things, self-soothing, choosing which battle to fight, venting. you are really quite amazing even tho this is so acute. just wanted to say that to encourage you.
hope the flashing back passes soon so you can settle back down and feel safe again. many :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: and lots of esteem and support to you
I wrote the stupid owner an email giving her a second chance to refund the money before I take it to small claims court. I thought I was doing her a pretty big solid, instead of going after her for damages.
She replied saying that I am harassing her, threatening her, and that the state dropped the case, and that it actually never happened, and I'm just a liar.
So now I am in an EF of being sexually abused by my family, and them denying all of it. Telling me it didn't happen.
I'm too weak to care about the courts or the money. But I know for a fact that the investigation is still open with the police, so she is wrong there, and I sent her hurtful email to the Massage Council investigator.
I can't stop crying and am missing the 2nd day of school in the past week due to stress and not being able to manage my emotions. I'm absolutely broken right now. I'm going to lay in bed for the rest of the day because everything I try to do is too much :'(
i think you did exactly the right thing forwarding her nasty reply to the massage council investigator. you have neither harassed nor threatened her, you have done nothing wrong. she is in the wrong and she is not being truthful, she is squirming on the hook.
sleep and rest and caring for yourself is exactly the right thing to do as well. school will still be there when you are well again so no need to worry about it.
this is really hard, KF, give yourself time. much support and many :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:
Thanks so much Arpy. :hug:
I know I'm in the right. It just doesn't take away the pain.
Denying someone s reality is truly one of the worst things a person could do to another.
I want to retaliate but in truth, it's that person's Karma they have to face.
Thank you Southbound.
She triggered a wound so deep I will certainly be taking the day off but I'm considering dropping out of school and destructive things because I don't know how to cope with this.
If I take a few weeks off, I'm bound to fail the term. So I might as well drop out.
It's crazy how one statement can hurt a person to the point where they.don't wish.to live their life. I know im not crazy, but in my experience,
Having family is dangerous, friends are emotionally unsafe, school is too much, and I can't keep a job. So I really just want to drop out of life
i'm with southbound on this one, KF, you are the most important part of the whole school or not school question. i wouldn't try to make a decision for a few days,but maybe wait till your emotional dust settles a little bit? then you'll be in a better place to decide what is really going to benefit you the most. for now, i'm thinkin that just taking some quality cave-time and licking your wounds and waiting for your head to get back on, is what's needful.
:bighug: :bighug: :bighug:
Southbound and arpy1 have already said it all. The owner is wiggling and squirming.
You're not harassing her, she's renegading on a promise, off course you have called her out on it.
:hug:
Thanks guys. I've been in EFs all day. I have to accept this isn't in my hands anymore. There is no lawsuit and it's being investigated. I don't have to do anything except take care of me. It's hardly about what's happened here. I mean it traumatized me again, but it really just takes me back to when it was a lot worse.
I don't want this to knock me off of the progress I've made in school. I'm going to try persevere. I don't want to make any rash decisions I will regret. So I wrote all my teachers and let them know I'm going through a lot at home so they can work with me if I decide to finish out the term.
I appreciate you all being there and for good advice and for reminding me I'm not the bad person in this situation. I just had to bear the pain of calling them out :hug:
Lol good idea Southbound
Haha. I will wait until I get my head back on for sure Arps
Thank you sooo much for all the support guys :hug: :hug: :hug:
Feeling much better tonight after a long day
:zzz:
Kayfly,
What a horrible set of events! Sending good energy thoughts. :hug:
I am hesitant to offer advice, because I am not in your shoes and have only limited information about your circumstances. I do, however, have a lot of experience in academia. I have also noticed you seem concerned about managing your schoolwork load while also going through all of this (an entirely reasonable concern). In my experience, most schools (including post-secondary), at least where I am (again hesitant because I am not sure of your circumstances) have support systems in place for students going through 'major life events' (e.g. accidents, deaths in the family, being the victim of a crime, etc.). Your situation would fit into this type of support system.
If you are very concerned about keeping up with (or not being able to keep up with) your school work load on top of your current situation, you might wish to consider seeing if you school has this type of support. A short 'I am going through some unhappy life events that are affecting my school work, please tell me about policies and systems that can help me' email or phone call to student services, student counselling, or a similar office would likely help you to figure out the process. A friend is also usually allowed to contact your school and ask on your behalf, at least for the initial inquiries.Generally at the start you can stay that general. it is likely you would need to give more details if you choose to go forward, though sometimes a more general note from your T works; similarly to an MD saying 'this person has a physical ailment and cannot go to school for x days, the T writes 'this person is going through a particular situation and requires accommodation from the school' without outlining all of the details - you would have confidentiality privileges either way, though some schools require more details than others).
Again, this is just 'I have information that might help you' thoughts. I am putting them here because I have seen a number of students going through unhappy life events who do not know that there are supports and policies in place for them. Please follow-up on, take some and leave some, or completely ignore these thoughts as they best suit (or don't suit) your situation, your needs, what you know about your school and its policies, and what you decide is best for you not matter what else is going on.
Either way, I am still sending good energy thoughts to you. :hug:
One of the last places on earth I would enter would be a massage parlour - for anything. Just saying. There are places that should come with warning signs. These are places that are rife with sexual misconduct and employees with mixed signals.
Quote from: missbliss on September 27, 2015, 04:41:48 AM
One of the last places on earth I would enter would be a massage parlour - for anything. Just saying. There are places that should come with warning signs. These are places that are rife with sexual misconduct and employees with mixed signals.
Some places are a problem. However, many are fine. As with any type of business, even in the good places you have a chance of coming across a bad apple. E.g. the finest restaurant can be fooled by a lousy waiter (at least temporarily, which is similar to the masseuse that Kayfly had the misfortune to encounter - the massage place did fire him. I suspect that they are now denying it all only to try and avoid liability issues).
Kayfly had the misfortune of coming across one of these bad apples. She had no way of knowing this would happen and cannot be blamed for wanting to enjoy a massage. It is a shame that it happened to her - was done to her. (actually, more than a shame but I lack the big enough word at the moment). However, there is no shame or blame to be attributed to her for trying this activity. I feel angry on Kayfly's behalf and sympathetic toward her. I also feel respect for her that she went for the massage in the first place. For many of us that type of activity can difficult, especially those of us who experienced CSA. I know my first visit to a spa for a massage was initially terrifying.* If my sisters had not been with me, I might have chickened out.
Personally, I now see going for a massage as a form of self care. I have gone for massages where I used to lived. I continue to go to a place close to where I am now. I am fortunate that I have never had to deal with the type of creep that Kayfly encountered, and suspect I likely would have responded in the same 'delayed response' type of way. However, I have gone to the current place several times and while I know that there is a chance that I might come across a creep, I also have experienced many benefits from getting a massage. So, personally, I will continue to go.
*Kayfly, if you are reading this, my apologies for speaking about you in the 3rd person. Please read 'you' when I say 'she' and 'her'. I really do feel that you had every right to go for a massage and to want to do something nice for yourself. I also very sincerely believe - know - that the blame lies entirely on the creep that did this to you, compounded by the ignorant people you have to deal with since.