Out of the Storm

I really didnt want to write this one in the emotional flashbaks section, as I'm not sure this is an emotional flashback, but instead warranted anger.
Im no good at trusting my intuition sometimes.

Any opinions would be great to hear, and appreciated.

What do you guys do when you feel sooo angry but are afraid of your anger?
What do you do when you are unable to express it, in fear of what the person you live with will think?
What do you do when you feel that things will blow up, if your anger came out?
What do you do when you just want to forget this feeling , and you partner presses for answers, or tries to psychologically read you?
What do you do when you say your fine, because you dont want to say you dont want to talk about it, because you dont want to let the person you live with know your not ok, and you need them to think you are?

They dont get that you dont want to spill that you are mad / sad...whatever.

hope this makes sense

Hey Indigo,

I'm sorry you are in so much emotional turmoil and/or possibly were triggered into an emotional flashback.  :hug:  First, I feel like you are absolutely right to not want to express yourself to your partner while overwhelmed with emotion.

Second, I have some questions that come to mind, in order to better understand the situation:

*Do you feel safe expressing your emotions normally with your partner?
*Do you think you might have a wall up in communicating your feelings?
*Could it be an emotional flashback to a time when you didn't feel safe expressing your emotions?
*What does, as you said, "blow up" look like?
*Do you find yourself avoiding being assertive/setting boundaries?

Earlier today, I was afraid to tell my partner that I was upset about something, because I was afraid we would get into an argument or it would get blown out of proportion, and, well we got into an argument when I brought up how I felt.  During the argument, he said something with a tone of voice that sent me into an EF of my abusive father expecting things from me, yelling at me. Then there I was in the middle of an argument, sent into an EF, trying to explain what is going on in my EF, but also trying to argue my point. Later, when things had calmed, I was able to express myself to him.

It would make sense to me that you may have been in an EF, because in my experience I cannot really speak during those times, and I want my partner to go away because I feel like he wouldn't understand, or I am too overwhelmed to alliterate what I am actually going through.

When someone is trying to pick my brains and I am not able/willing to talk about it, I usually have to use some sort of boundary and say something like "I don't want to talk about it right now." So it seems like you had yourself in a bit of a pickle.

I was just listening to SpartanLifeCoach's latest videos, and he said something along the lines of "When all those thoughts of anger come up, try to find a way to laugh at it. Find humor in it." That made me think of you. I certainly am no pro at this. I lack emotional stability, but I liked this idea, and I would like to try it.

I hope you are feeling better, and I hope you find some answers. I modified this a couple times because I wanted to be respectful and come from a place of my own personal knowledge, while try to get more information on your situation. You are welcome to not answer any of it. But I hope you find clarity and I am here to listen  :hug:

Hi KayFly

Thanks a lot for replying to my post....and it was a very nice post too.
I was going to reply last night, but i was so out of it.  :sadno:
It wasnt too many questions at all, and your post was helpful.
Thanks so much for just being here and being so supportive.
It may be silly, but reading that last night, i felt that i had someone there with me.

Yes, my guard is definitely up.
I want him to think everything is ok because i cant show any vulnerability, and he has issues dealing with my anger.
Sometimes he says hurtful things, and he says he just gets angry.
Thats fine, but yesterday it reminded me of my mum, and he seems to throw the fact that i have flashbacks right in my face.
We talked about this.
He is in therapy, its just annoying when the same things keep happening over and over again, its always the same issues so outside help is needed.
He doesnt tell things to his T the way it actually went, so it seems she is not helping and telling him he is doing everything fine in this relationship.
I am not safe enough to express anger etc. because he is not ok with it, but he wants to be.
I just dont know what to do with it, and it comes out in niggles at him.

How do you mean, you got to a place where you couldnt pretend any longer? What made it that way?
I am glad your partner made you feel safe enough to express your emotions. Thats really cool.

I always thought it was me who was afraid of expressing emotions just because i was or because it was a flashback, some fear in my head of it...but he doesnt have a problem with me expressing stuff.

Even if we talk about stuff, he is so forgetful, that the same issues come up over an over again because he forgot what we talked about.
So even talking like adults doesnt help my anger be expressed, because its fine if we talk, but then later, the same thing / argument happens again. 
I do try to repress anger, and it seeps out at him.
So thats annoying jsut because it is.
I should order that punch bag i was thinking of getting.

I have anger towards him, but it should actually be at my mother...but i dont know *how* to be angry at her. The anger at her just isn't there, instead its at the triggers, and unfortunately a major trigger is my partner.

Perhaps if i let anger out about the triggers / people that trigger, the anger at my parents will come?
Then the sadness. Maybe i should stop trying to be sad when I'm not sad at all, and just be angry at what I'm actually angry about = the triggers.
Its just so hard to do that when living with someone, especially when the anger is at them.

That sucks- the argument, and i understand totally how it goes. Arguments are also filled with EFs for me too.
Yes, i dont like talking during them either.

I feel exactly the same way- and actually, this was one of the things we discussed during our heated disgussion last night-
about how he never sees me, never notices- he does sometimes, but i am distant from him for good reason, because it looks like he doesnt care, and that i am in this and everything else life throws at you, alone, as he cant see my moods.
He is like my parents in this respect.
Its hard for me to understand as i am also very perceptive too.

You are so right. I cant talk about it unless i feel safe and ready. And i dont feel safe or ready.

Oh yes, and he also tears down my defences too. Oh its the inner critic blah blah blah. I told him i hate him doing that, and that people have defences for a reason.
I find it intimidating and down right annoying to be psychologically read which he isn't too great at, but is like...oh your smoking because your upset...etc etc. and i just would rather be left alone.
I wanted to act like i wasnt bothered about the discussion we had (before the major one), but yes, i wanted him to go away. I just wanted to calm down and be in my own little world. Sometimes like today, i just want to be in an oblivion, devoid of senses, where i can rest (not suicidal) just sometimes, I'm so angry at EVERYTHING, that the world is just too much.

He doesnt understand why it bothers me so much that he doesnt see me, when i dont want to let him in. And it frustrated me that he didnt understand that.
Just because i dont want him to be like my unavailable parents, doesnt mean i will be able to trust at this stage to let him in.
And i also worry that he will fling anything vulnerable i tell him back in my face like my mum did.

I have heard that before, that anger is a cover up for sadness.
After reading that, I tried to cry but was so disassociated i couldn't.
Do you have any idea how i can access that pain underneath the anger?
I know its a long process. I just wish i could access it, and get it over with. I know i wont be wishing that if it came. I came close once and my mind wouldnt let me. But it wasnt to do with being angry at partner, it was something else.

Things have calmed down, but i am still mad, and very mad at him today. Not sure what makes it come in waves, i think it comes in waves.
I feel like i should treat myself as if I'm sick, and just curl up and read or watch smiting, so that he knows I'm not well in my head. I think I'm perfectly well, as this is a normal reaction to the past if thats what it is....and also the present...but you dont look ill if your angry, its not like I'm greiving and in bed all day.

Hope that wasnt too much writing. Don't know how to explain everything.
Thanks for reading.

and let me know how your doing too  :hug:

Hey Indigo,

I'm glad that my post mad you feel like you had someone there.  That was my intention, and thank you for being here with me too.

You rightfully have every reason not to trust others from past trauma, or from what I can hear your mother installed in you. If you don't want to talk about something or you are not ready, your partner needs to respect that. Its a boundary.  The more he pushes to get it out of you, the more it seems you are resistant.  That prying may be triggering in itself.

When I said I got to a point that I couldn't pretend any longer, I meant that I felt if I was not allowing myself to truly show my emotion to myself or another, I was essentially lying to myself and my partner.  I still have a very hard time with this, but my goal is to be as authentic as possible. Though my partner makes me feel very safe, so I throw childish fits at times, and sometimes I don't want to talk about things (which usually means I do), but if I express that to him, he says "OK" and it's done. Because he respects my boundaries and needs. We in no way shape or form have a perfect relationship, we fight, and things blow up for us at times too, but we have a mutual respect for each others boundaries as much as we can.

BUT there are times where I feel gaurded, and almost like i am in the presence of past perpetrators because I am in an EF or whatever, while I am with my partner...so it's like...there's all this emotion I am trying to hide, but its not either of our fault. And eventually the feelings have to come out somehow..It just seems like the more I try to suppress the emotions, the weirder of a way it comes out..

As far as acessing those emotions, none of it can be forced, they come up when they are ready. But when they come up, allow yourself to feel them. Try not to suppress it. I'll do the same ( I don't like giving advice unless I am doing it myself )

Do you feel that you don't feel safe because you feel you're in your mothers presence?

It sounds like you may be struggling with intimacy, intellectual intimacy. You don't want to let him in. He is getting angry. Maybe that makes him feel rejected.

I really reccomend listening to Pia Mellody. She has free YouTube videos and an amazing book called "The Intimacy Factor"..

I'm not an expert at this stuff. I am just now starting to really understand where I came from and how it's effected me, and what to do about it now. But I know that feeling of like harboring anger and having no outlet, or not feeling safe to express it. It is toxic emotion when it's all held in like that.  I believe you and your partner can work out a way to constructively communicate what is coming up for you, without yelling or exploding. Those are the things that make us feel unsafe.

I feel like everything can be worked out in a conversation...but there has to be mutual respect.

I wish you lots of guidance, and many answers. This is such a tough journey, especially when you are in a relationship. But there are answers out there. And you are not alone. Problems like these arise for me as well.

I wish I could be of more help.  :hug: Way to be open and honest though. I applaud you for that. You will help many.

Hey KayFly

Thanks for saying about boundaries.
He has a way of making me feel guilty for not talking to him, he says things like, i need to know whats going on, if your not going to go al out and hide it and i can tell your in a mood, then you could at least tell me, then it would stop me worrying.
OMG- how effing wrong that is!!!!
Thank you for helping me to realise this.
We talked in the end last night, once i had found a way to say what i was trying to say, in a way that makes me look vulnerable, and i said he shouldnt pressure me into taking and just leave me alone, and he said he is glad he did, because it got results.
*.

I have felt really guilty for a long time about the fact that i didnt want to look vulnerable and i only realised this now writing this. There is nothing to feel bad about about that, as you said, its because of past traumas and my mum.
Being vulnerable or emotional wasnt tolerated. It wasnt allowed.

That is a good point to come to realise.
You want a partner who accepts your emotions, as they are important, and part of you.

Do you sometimes wish that your partner knows when you do want to talk= even though you say you dont?

We need to get boundries- he is no good at them either, so it makes sense that he would infringe upon mine.

Do you mind if i ask this?
Do you know its not your partner during those times you think its him but you are actually in an emotional flashback?
How do you know if that isn't just the way your partner is, how do you know that he isn't just like you parents / past abusers?
My partner has a hard time seeing that this emotion i have isn't my fault.
He thinks the anger coming out at him in little snippets is on purpose. It is just sooo hard to hold it in.

I hope you can feel your emotions when they come up.
Thanks for answering that question.

I dont feel like I'm in my mother's presence no, more my dads, she was the more dominant one, but last night, a comment he made reminded me of her.
He comes out and says that its not fair that i give him grief so hes gonna comment on something i did, that i normally comment on that he has done.
Its not ok no, and its what i do with my anger. Same with him. But he doest see that I'm trying to con roll it all the time, he looses sight of that.
Im just not sure he feels the same amount of absolute rage i do, well, the told me he doesnt but that last night, he just got angry.

Thanks a lot for the recommendation, i will have listen. Yes, i dont want to let him in yet am afraid of being alone.

I am glad your beginning to understand your past and how it effects you now. And i DO hope you know what to do with all of this stuff.

I believe too that we can communicate well, but its just that things are not followed through on his end. Hope fully we can sort this in time. It will take time.

I am sorry problems like this arise for you as well. I also hope you find your answers and guidance.

You are so lovely, and have helped a lot. The fact that you understand is a great help.
I do hope to help many. You are doing that.

Indigo  ;)

Hey Indigo,

Again I think you are right to guard your information or feelings at any given point and it is wrong for him to not respect your boundaries, when you are not in a position to tell him.  I wish my partner could read my mind sometimes, but I realized I have to use my words, even if it's "I don't want to talk about it." and immediately realize that I do want to talk about it.

However, on his end, I can see why he would want you to be open with him because he is striving for intimacy, and you have walls built up right now against that because of your hurtful past, rightfully so.

Do you want intimacy in your relationship and to move forward in the relationship?

Do you feel like you don't really want to be in the relationship, but your fear is keeping you in it?

Again, It is not your fault that you have not shown vulnerability, because obviously in the past, it wasn't safe for you to be vulnerable, so this is all a very natural and understanding process for you to be going through. Give yourself some props for trying to figure out this confusing puzzle.

Though you can learn to be vulnerable now, and know what safety is.  But you have to test the waters. I don't know your partner, or if its a safe situation intellectually, but I would say if your gut says its not safe, then get out because life is short and you deserve to be in a safe place.

I am good at deciphering when I am in an emotional flashback, or when it is something my partner is doing that is pissing me off.  I know that he is not like past abusers because I have an intimate connection with him that involves unconditional love, self care, respect, nurturing, boundaries, empathy and other things that would never have been involved with my Narcissistic mother, who actually lacks the ability to provide these things, or my Rage-aholic father who would do anything to keep me from telling the truth, etc...

I know because I feel it, and because I have taken the time to get to know him and test it out. But, that doesn't mean that trust doesn't come easy still.  Its a process. I didn't trust him, and still don't on certain levels, because my trust had been so betrayed, but I don't believe that I can't trust again. I'm just working on it.

Keep questioning and thinking critically. I believe you will find the awareness you are looking for.

Quote from: Indigo on August 29, 2015, 11:06:51 PM
I really didnt want to write this one in the emotional flashbaks section, as I'm not sure this is an emotional flashback, but instead warranted anger.

I struggle myself with voicing anger, during my upbringing I was 'coached' into 'stuffing it'. So in a sense I could say I have 'anger-issues'.

One thing I have been learning over the past years though is that I can, and need to get away from the source that is bringing me the anger. And while that is a great tool in itself, I tend to do it all-the-time, which is not OK.
And so while I still struggle to express "warranted anger" (I love your term for that  :thumbup: ), I have learned I can say at some point "Back Off!", angrily. And I have experienced that in many cases this works. I might have to repeat it once or twice, with increasing anger and resolution in my voice and body-language, and then the other does back off. And I can stay put.

If not, I still have the option to walk away to get away from the source. But then with having had the benefit of at least having expressed and voiced my anger in the words "Back Off!", and I'm then better capable of leaving the anger at the spot I have just walked away from, I'm not carrying it with me. Or at least not in the amount I used to.

When I'm angry, and even more so when I express it, the adrenaline kicks in. I have learned to accept that to a large degree the physical sensation that is associated with anger (tense posture, tense muscles, hyperactivity) are just the natural product of adrenaline. And that it simply takes time for my body to take it out of my blood stream again. Which also produces physical 'symptoms' like shaking, tears, etc. This is again a purely physical, bio-chemist/hormonal process, and thus perfectly OK, it cannot happen any other way.

Being aware of that helps me to calm down faster, as I used to be caught in thought-processes like: "why do I need to cry? I'm such a wimp!" and other self-incriminating thoughts.
Likewise it can help me during the anger-building phase, as I notice me getting more tense, and more angry in a way, when they are not backing off when I tell them so. It's the adrenaline that is making me more strong, resilient. And I'm allowed to 'go-with-that'.

So, I'm trying to let my anger out more. Where I used to back-off myself at the slightest anger, I try now only to back off myself when I feel the urge coming up to throw things, destroy stuff or when I catch myself thinking: "If they don't back off now, I'll punch them in the face." (which might be a verbal punch  ;), i.e. calling them really nasty names, with the intent do deeply hurt them.)

But I'm only a pupil, a 'first-grader' in these things.  ;D

Hi KayFly

I completley understand having to say how your feeling sometimes, i just wonder if my partner is blind to emotions in others like my parents were- either they didnt see, or they saw but couldnt come forward, and I'm not sure if this is him.
I think there is a basic level of awareness people have of others feelings, and he does notice sometimes, just the things he misses, and what the doesnt understand seems kind of dumb to me sometimes, he is so *either-or* in this thinking.

Good questions. I dont have a lot of feelings for him and my T thinks that that is because he betrayed my trust in the past numerous times, and a lot of it involved sex.
So i kind of turned my feelings off in order to deal with that and when he broke up with me, i trued my feelings of then too.
So when we go back together, I wondered if i was over him, because whilst it felt weird one time with another guy as i wasnt over partner, i didnt feel elated to be back with him when he took me back.

The fear does keep me in yes, and i can only know if we are a good match and i can only enjoy intimacy when i feel he has stopped letting me down over and over, when i can trust him, even to do housework, oh you did all the house, ill hoover later, but then he doesnt and this happens all the time.
Its hard to know if its your partner you want intimacy with when you dont know what its like to have unconditional intimacy that isn't ruined over and over.

I get the past effecting the now in terms of not allowing myself to be intimate, but i feel it is happening now- being mistreated etc. sometimes, even when i feel he is being useless and forgetful and it drives me mad (emotional flashback)...so maybe I'm right that it is happening now.

Thanks for the props.  ;)

Testing the waters!! Why did i never think of that??
It definitely isn't safe for me to express emotion as he cant handle anger ,weather its at him or not. i cant leave as I'm too afraid to be alone and i hope we can overcome this.
I just cant do recovery work though if i cant express anger. Hopefully T will have some wise words on this ,,i can only ask.

Its great that you can look at your abusers and your partner and see differences between them.
My mother is undiagnosed narcisist I'm very sure of it.

I checked out the Spartanlifecoache's video you mentioned. Very good video and very explanatory.
It would be so much easier if i could say, oh god, these are all flashbacks about partner and my lack of trust is because of my past and thats my problem therefore HE is safe.
I cant do that though because i dont believe it to be true.

Thanks so much for reading and offering options etc and for answering my questions .

Hey Dutch Unkle

You have a way of writing things in all of your posts that i really love.

Im glad you like the warranted anger phrase.
Emotiona flashbacks are warranted anger if they are angry feelings...but what i meant was that sometimes, they are not appropriate for the situation, as in, it doesnt match up.
I think this matches up to the situation.
i think you may have known what i meant.

Have you watched Spartanlifecoaches video?
He explains in it about stuffing emotions, he it is if you havent watched it and if you want to talk a look:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CZdbj1HCXAo

The same with me and my upbringing. I wasnt allowed to express anger or to ask questions as that was *talking back* in my mums world. Of course, typical narcosism, if it challenged her, she didnt like it.

Getting away from the source is a great idea, but of course cant be used all the time. I cant get away from my partner as we live together etc. but when things explode sometimes i just have to leave the house.

I like your idea of telling others to back off. Suck if they dont listen and you have to repeat yourself. Im sure you have tried to explain why you want them to go away, or have said it in a really nice way at times- that doesnt always work.

Your description of what happens when anger hits is really helpful. It is good to know its just physical symptoms. Maybe the reason I'm afraid of anger is ...well, because I'm afraid of all emotions, even happiness...but because I'm still not in an environment where it is ok to express it.
Its enough of an issue to be afraid of expressing anger due to the past, and trying to trust your partner when they say its ok to be angry, so i dont need right now in my life, a partner who is actually afraid of my anger. Even if i am not being verbally abuseive towards him, he still senses my anger and is not ok with it.

I could probably let myself be angry if i lived alone and bear in mind your description of the physical manifestation of anger.

I am glad its helped you with your self incriminating thoughts.
I tend to cry if angry sometimes, when i cant let the anger out and that frustrates me as i dont want to be vulnerable , even to myself, when what i feel is angry, crying instead is a way for it to come out i thought, when i cant actually let the anger out properly.

Your right, anger shows resilience, allows you to be so. It should be accepted.
Its self proteciton.

Thanks a lot for your import. I hope you have a way to release the anger that you have when you want to punch peoples faces in- maybe its all the same anger- but i mean, when you have physical urges to destroy, i hope you can let it out somehow.

I cant not do this any more.
I NEED to find a healthy way to deal with anger instead of stuffing it.
No good consequences have ever come from expressing anger, i was made to stuff it.
As am angry at partner, he will not ever empathise. How can he when he feels attached.
But we cant have a normal discussion about it, and if we do, he just keeps not keeping to his word.
I can not keep using nicotine to squash anger, i dont want to.
This feeling of rage is so uncomfortable to have inside, bubbling away under the sruface.
I tried just noticing it, remembering what Dutch Unkle said. It just wants to come out. Its like poison, and it seems to ruin others, but maybe that is in my head, that it ruins others, because they just cant accept that my anger is healthy.
It is healthy, if he keeps breaking promises.
Its all well and good thinking that i just need to let my anger come out, but i can't. and the fact that i cant yet again, makes me angry.
The fact that i cant, isn't just in my head either. It is proven that it never goes well, and i do try and be calm when i express something thats bothering me.
there is just no budge in him and it drives me up the wall.

Why do i have to act like a little girl, and stifle every dam thing.

Thanks for listening to my plain rant. Even though i have been let down and insulted - abandoned when i reached out for help before, i thought, well, I'm not asking for help, Im just talking. I put a cigarette out halfway through, as i know i dont want to do this, and my fear of what its doing to my insides made me stop, so this is a better outlet.

I have heard that anger is one of the harder parts of recovery...im not so sure, surely its all hard, but even harder when you get right down into greiving and feeling etc??
It is already difficult, and i feel i shouldnt say that, because its not the hardest stage and i am not in touch with my feelings, only anger.
I just wonder how I'm meant to move forward if i cant overcome the first hurdle.

anyway. rant over.

Indigo,

I'm glad you are posting about your feelings. It may not feel like it, but just writing out all that you are going through here is an outlet in your anger.  I understand how hard anger can be to deal with.

I know what you mean, when it feels like your partner is unaware of certain emotional states of yours. I have gone through that too with my partner. Or I will think he is not saying the right thing. But the truth about my partner, is that trauma, and a bad childhood, is not in his realm of experience, so I can't expect him to understand. Also many of us with CPTSD have heightened emotional senses because we spent our traumatic childhoods observing people, as opposed to people who had good enough upbringings, where it just wasn't a thing.

If your partner had a good enough upbringing, this may not be in his realm of experience. If he had a bad upbringing, you may be triggering each other. It sounds like there are definitely some issues. I usually don't talk about my relationship outside of my relationship because it usually can be worked out between the two of us, but it sounds like you are in a situation, where only you can figure out what is best for you. And thats what I want to empower you to discover.  And i'm really sorry it's so painful at the moment. I'm with you.

Trust is one of the most important componants in a relationship. It sounds like he has betrayed your trust a lot and sometimes in relationships that can linger for a long time. But it sounds to me like right now it is especially difficult, and it is causing basically an emotional explosion. Your body might be trying to tell you, that you either need a different approach in the relationship, or you might need to leave. It's scary, but just try to listen to your body's needs.  Do you have someone you can go stay with for a couple days and just take a break? It sounds like you could use some space to just think.

I personally, since my partner and I live in a one bedroom, will just go in the other room and say " I need time for me " but like, if he can't respect that, and is not showing the ability to listen while you are setting boundaries, that is not a good sign.

It just sounds like it's troublesome right now. But you have to decide what is best for you and then act on it. We are all going to be here for you on OOTS, but do you have any other friends/people you can go talk to about this?

It's not fair that you are stuck in your own head with all this.  You need outlets.

I really understand not being able to tell the difference of...am I being triggered by something else or am I genuinely mad at this person?...it sounds like you got a lot of both going on right now..

And no problem for being here and all. Thank you for sharing and I really hope you figure out what is best for you and get some clarity on the situation.   :hug:  You got this Indigo.

Hey KayFly

Thankyou for just being so lovely and for being here. Its so good that someones here.
I feel like an idiot writing. I just dont know what else to do.

I was writing as an outlet, although its not the same as other outlets.
Reading your reply helped me feel calmer.

Have you been through this whole anger thing? If so, are you still in it?

That is really interesting.
I never thought of it like that before:
But the truth about my partner, is that trauma, and a bad childhood, is not in his realm of experience, so I can't expect him to understand. Also many of us with CPTSD have heightened emotional senses because we spent our traumatic childhoods observing people, as opposed to people who had good enough upbringings, where it just wasn't a thing.

Maybe thats true. I knew that, about being hyper focused on your abusers...therefore you are able to read others more easily.
This is crazy, as i always thought i couldnt read people. This narcissist person i got involved with said i read others but in my own way, and i thought that my ability to do what had gotten better over time. But it was probably always that way, as i had to read parents at home.

I knew too that he just doesnt understand stuff, because maybe he did have a good enough upbringing, he has certainly never had to deal with the stuff i have had to deal with...so he doesnt understand, but when you say it like that, it makes more sense. You put into words what i sort of guessed.

I dont know how bad or not his up bringing was.
I think we are triggering each other to some extent, whatever his upbringing, he has problems accepting my anger.

Yes, you are right that trust is an issue. My T said this, and i never thought about that before she said it. It explained my lack of feeling towards him that has lasted since we last got back together.
I still feel that he is betraying my trust, weather thats true or not, we cant progress if i feel that way.
I watched videos by Lisa A Romano and she said about listening to your body and what tis truing to tell you. This is terrifying. What scares me is that i try to change him al the time, and it shouldnt be that way.
He has the right to be how he wants, but when its unfair to me, i cant stand it.
But never being able to control the situation at home as a child, so it scares me that i cant change things here.
It is scary that we might not work out.

I know his forgetfulness might be a symptom of something, who knows, but it is so annoying to me right now, it makes me rage...i know i just need to wait to see how things go, but i need outlets for this anger towards him.
Knowing that i just need to wait as he is in therapy is great, but doesnt help the anger.
He is in therapy, but she seems from what he's told me , to be saying that he is fine, and that he is in a challenging situation living with me.
I thoght therapists can see through one sidedness, but he told me what he would talk about with her and he had gotten the whole story about what i thought and felt and what i wanted etc. totally wrong.

I have tried the tough love approach and also the softly softly approach and nothing seems to work.
I guess i could stay with someone for a bit. They said i could. A friend i got back in contact with a week or so ago. I just dont want that to be triggering either, but i guess its time for me, so i need to say to them what i want to do.
We have had breaks before, few, but breaks and i always went back.
I always thought, oh well, its me, and last time, i thought and said to him that i need to deal with my anger and see whats underneath it, only as i discovered, i cant do this alone, and I'm a freeze type, only i didnt know then, i mean its hard to see underneath and tolerate feelings anyway, but disasociating when i come near doesnt help at all.

He never used to accept that i need space, or that i left the house to cool off, but i think he would be ok with it now- saying i need space.

I will talk to my T abut this. I had to choose a topic from my huge list of things to work on, and ive chosen anger. Anger comes first and always has. How lucky i am to be in T.

Knottiness ever said that before:
*It's not fair that you are stuck in your own head with all this.  You need outlets*.
The woman with undiagnosed NPD said i need outlets, and told me some pretty awful stuff, she didnt help at all, we got quite close and i believe she spiritually abused me.
She never said that it was unfair, she just blamed me, never encouraged me to recover, just get rid of my anger and be nice to partner which i try to do which is why i try to hold anger in partly.

Thats what T said
I really understand not being able to tell the difference of...am I being triggered by something else or am I genuinely mad at this person?...it sounds like you got a lot of both going on right now..

Thank you so much for everything.

I was skimming over some old bookmarks I took at OOTF (in search of something different altogether) and I came across this thread:
http://outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=45492.msg412331#msg412331

It might be of help to you.
I'm not really an expert on expressing anger with somebody I live with.  ;)

:hug:

Indigo,

I'm glad that you are finding some of what I am saying helpful. I went nuts when I got into a healthy relationship because I was so triggered from all my past abusive relationships (especially from growing up with my father). I also went through times, and still do go through times where I have repressed anger, but the thing is, as much as you need to express it, you can't yell, scream, or anything like that because it can be harmful. So you gotta be like a Jedi and like find some super smooth way to get your point across.

If he is not being fair, you have the right to say "you are not being fair" and such. Maybe there is a way you two could be in therapy together? And maybe get some of that anger out? I feel like if you don't like explain it to him, at least, it's going to eventually explode in some weird way. Communication is also key in the relationship.

Sometimes if I am really pissed at my partner, I can't even get a grip on why I am mad, or what to say, so I have to take a little time for myself, before I can recollect, understand why I was upset, and then explain myself, while not violating his boundaries (not shouting, etc)

Being in a relationship with someone who does not understand the realm of your experience is very hard, but someone who is treating you unfairly is much worse. 

I'm sorry you had that experience with the lady with NPD. She sounds psycho. They have ways of spiritually screwing with you for sure. It's good you can tell the difference between her abuse, and my good intentions. That goes to show you have some clarity. But also that some things take time to get clarity on.

I don't know what else to say about the relationship for you since it's so important for you to figure out for yourself, but I want to empower you to do the best thing for you, scream into a pillow, look up ways to release anger in a healthy way, let yourself cry, let him know how you feel, take space. Just take care of yourself no matter what.  :hug: I'm always happy to be here when you need to talk.

Feel better!

Hellooo

Just a quickie to say that i expressed anger this morning. The anger was at partner.
Weather i over reacted due to stress or not- because he triggered, this time I'm not sure if it was his fault, but his reactions are not the most sensitive at times.
I managed to hold in the rage, and went upstairs. I shut the bedroom door, and he walked in with out knocking.
He left the house as normal but I didnt go with him. I knew i had to let it all out. I tried stuffing it.
I think I'm getting physically ill from stress, and from stuffing anger all the time.
I was afraid to let the anger out, i dont like feeling out of control.
I took some cushions (T recommendation) and pounded on them and screamed into them.
Then i just couldnt stop crying and crying. Sobbing and shaking. That hasn't happened for a while.
I cried for the fact that I feel so unsafe in my own home, just like i did living with my parents.
I cried for the fact that my partner is unfortunately in tolerant for his own reasons of emotions, especially anger, just like my parents where.
Then i disassociated. My body still had more tears to expel, but my mind wouldnt let it.
But I'm proud of myself for taking the first step to trying to healthily express anger when i was afraid of doing it.
I just cant do this when he is in the house which is annoying.
I realised that what Im afraid of in expressing anger, is him physically restraining me, like he has done twice before.
Its scary, and i also dont want him to end up squeezing my sore (possibly inflamed) stomach.
I dont feel safe here. And i feel like i need to get out for a while. Just everythings so triggering, in and out of the house.
If i were depressed, it would make more sense. Then not getting up at all would feel better perhaps, but i do not wish to feel depressed, I just need a hide away but I'm too energetic to stay in bed all day.

Thanks for reading. I do feel alone at the moment, and this is a good outlet.

Maybe you could reward yourself (you deserve it, that was a step forward you took there). i do this alot. Maybe a nice hot bath, or a big mug of choc, i don't know, whatever does it for you? just to give yourself a little bit of nurturing for doing what you did.  :hug: :hug:

Indigo  :hug:

I'm glad you are taking care of your needs. So awesome you were able to.have that safe time to.yourself to let that out. I can't do that kind of stuff in front of anyone. I'm sore it got scary or you couldn't get it all out. It's.a process for sure

Take your space. Take your time. Take care. I'm really.proud of you. Feel better and keep posting. You are not alone.

-K

Thanks so much KayFly, really nice of you to say :hug:
And i could not ever thank you enough for your support, it means an awful lot.
I hope you are ok, and weather you are or not i hope you are taking care of yourself.
You can always post if you want and i am happy to listen any time.

Thanks a lot Arpy1.
I did think of this, but still feel like a horrible person for being angry, i know this is illogical, my brain says both things. Perhaps its because partner and i having bad time.
But i will try to do something nice, thanks so much for the encouragement, i guess i needed that.
  :hug: :hug:

KayFly, ps. im so sorry you also feel you cant express that part of yourself in front of anyone. I do hope one day you will be able to as it is ok to feel angry and to express it, and theres nothing to be ashamed of.
:hug:

Thank you Indigo :hug: I'm glad we can be here for each other. You are so kind, and you deserve to be happy. I'm glad you found some resolve and that we know we can reach out to each other as the road does get bumpy at times.

Thank you for wishing me well. I do have a protective wall up sometimes when it comes to expressing things, but I work very hard in my therapy and to heighten my awareness or consciousness constantly, so I have no doubt that it can all heal and be expressed and heard, and I wish the best for you.

:) Cheers

No problem KayFly  :hug: :hug:

Im glad we can be here for each other too.
Thanks you so much for your lovely words.

That is really positive what you said. I hope it can be solved through therapy and being aware and conscious etc.
I do hope you can find a balance between being self protective (the wall you put up) and letting people in, and I hope you can be heard by yourself and by the right people.

;)

Don't know if i should write as it seems the topic has kind of ...come to a closing.
This may be too rambly, and i dont expect anyone to reply to such a long thread. Not sure if i have repeated myself here.

Feeling very anxious and have been all of today. It is unbearable, and I had to leave volunteering due to more triggers.
Tried to stay calm and communicate whilst dealing with things partner says that upset me, weather he means to or not.
I cant rage or healthily express anger in public of course, so i feel i let myself down as i resorted to recent bad comping mechanisms.

Had this huge thing of abandonment fear and panic when we were chatting by i message about what went wrong that morning for me to be so angry.
He didnt even care that i had to go home due to feeling to stressed as someone else started prying into why we were having problems, totally unasked and unwanted, telling us to try harder with apsolutley no knowledge wasts so ever about the situation, and then having more emotional flashbacks.

I feel like he doesnt understand how utterly awful I'm feeling and never asks anymore - he told me this- because I'm hardly ever honest with him about how I'm really feeling.
I was upset and angry about that, because i thought, that even i lie about how i feel  because I am unable at this stage in fear of being hurt by him, acting like he doesnt care and never asking anyway (maybe he is at the end of his tether and maybe upset cos i wont tell him anything), is just plain hurtful and its like he is abandoning me.

I was on the train and i realised, that my mum did this.
And when we were having relationship problems (me and partner) and she talked to me about it, it wasnt *what happened / what did he do / say*, it was *well, what did YOU do???* and i think she said that *he has the patience of a saint for putting up with me and all i can do is treat him like that*, with out hearing what i had to say.
It was basically a talk that involved a telling off.

Now i realise why it upset me so much when his parents did that when i left a while ago or a break from him...they totally blamed me for everything as they think their son could do no wrong.

When i reached out for help when i was suicidal to my narcasist friend, she never spoke to me again, and later attached me by email telling me i was an attention seeker and in no real pain, when my partner finally saw my point and emailed her about how she dumped me and used him, when she was never friends with him before.
She had done this to a lot of people.
I understand why, so am not blaming her etc. maybe abandonment fears of hers- pushing people away etc.

But his message and getting the train after the last time being when we broke up back in febuary...made me remember the time with the narc, and i felt that he was doing the same thing as she did, and as my mother did.

I reached out to the narc, who was just like my mother, thinking she'd understand, when she treated me the same way as my mother did, not listening and shunning me away.
I was so sad when i made all of these connections this evening..and for the first time, i felt i could cry for the first time about my mums response to my relationship and personal problems, blaming me, about my partners parents blaming me and not even looking at their sons side of the story, and about my partner leaving me and not responding when i was upset and said to him via text that i feel that he doesnt care about me. (fitted into the convo so i didnt just say it out of the blue)

Maybe i offended him, but he doesnt understand the pain i am in, the anger or the sadness, and probably has just had enough of me, when all i do is try to keep everything i feel under wraps and to myself, as telling him- he just hurts me with his words later, just like my mum did.

It seems that know one can handle me.
If I'm emotional, they cant handle it.
If I'm closed off and pretend I'm fine, he cant handle it. He cant handle emotions either.

Then i started thinking that i was a lost cause and that there must be something wrong with me, something so terrible that people just leave when I am in emotional crisis, even if i try to keep it all to myself (my general habit)

Partner says it gets on top of him all the things he is doing for me, never thinking about the stress i am under trying to not upset him by feeling so angry, and I wished i never got so scared when i was re traumatised, - i couldnt be in the house alone for fear i might die (crazy sounding i know)..i wont go into the whole long story of what sparked the fear off, so
I wish i had never let him help, if only i knew at the time.
He gives mixed messages (T said that and i saw it myself then), and that is what my mother did.

He is not ok with a lot, money issues etc. that we had come to an agreement on...and it seems a lot of things.
Everthing is too much for me when it comes to him, and he feels the same when it comes to me.
I cant trust that what he says will stay that way, in terms of how he feels or him saying he's fine, as it never does.

I guess i feel that trust is completely ruined, and whilst this may be an emotional flashback as his issues and the way he is reminds me of my mother, I am also seeing the reality of our relationship and of him and the way he is.
He is not changing and compromising and its upsetting as it looks like its a dead end.
There is no resolve, as ive tried everything such as talking calmly and of course, exploding in rage when i couldn't help it. if we talk about the past few days, he may be like, oh i didnt realise that etc etc. but the same pattern will repeat itself again as it always does.

He finds it hard to express his anger in a calm way with a bit of tact, and i get so angry so then he feels he cant express himself or talk about anything at the time, as i get angry. He seems to see no fault in himself sometimes.

Staying with a friend, a guy i got back in touch with, and I hope for not many triggers whilst I'm here.

The world is so scary to me right now, nothing is safe, I dont feel safe, I dont feel i have a home, and i dont feel safe living with partner.
I feel so alone. 
I dont have many supportive people in my life (i guess i attract those like my parents and people who are also messed up), and I am just waiting for people to hurt me.

I feel that i have to go though all of this totally alone. Its like a punishment yet again, but not from my mother this time, for having feelings or for trying to deal what my life in a healthy way (therapy)

I wish i coud just hibernate, or take some drug so that the triggers would stop, the actual scary things that are happening would stop, and that the unbearable anxiety and panic would stop.

I know i shouldnt numb out to deal, but i feel that delving into this stuff and being in therapy is a curse, i know its not all my fault, and T is helping me see the reality of partners behaviour which isn't ideal, i guess I'm just more aware of what is and has been happening for a while with partner.

If i start trying to be nice to myself in any way at all, one being trying to express emotions in a healthy way like i did this morning on my own, my world goes upside down and not in a good way.
Perhaps i can't face the truth of partner as its scary, so like i did with my abusive mother, i am trying to convince myself that its me causing it by being nice to myself, just like in the past with mother, i thought her behaviour towards me was my fault- because I'm not worthy etc.
But this belief is very real that doing nice things- the world is against me being good to myself.
I feel that the world and the people in it dont want whats best for me, they are saying to me that i dont deserve to be nice to myself, or to be healthy, or happy.

Logically speaking, this could just be because i have attracted people like my parents...no fault of their own...
but when its happening and you are in the thick of it, its hard to be logical and to think that way, because at the end of the day, i literally have know one, and if i did, i wouldnt be able to trust them enough to be myself, or to let them in.

I just dont know how to deal with everything feeling so scary and unsafe, there is know where i can go where i feel safe. There is no support apart from mental hospitals, and i dont want to go there. I dont feel I'm psychotic and wouldn't be taken seorusly.

Ramble over with. Just had to get it out.

Okay,

First, you are not a lost cause. You don't need to feel like this topic is "over". Especially when it is clearly not.

You are recognizing a crucial pattern in your life about the people around you who have invalidated your feelings, your mother and your ex narccasict friend. Maybe the fact that these people ingrained into you so much that your feelings don't matter, you eventually began to subconsciously believe this to be true and form your pattern of internalizing so much. Maybe your inner child is not having it anymore. Your feelings are real and you are in pain. I am so so sorry for all of this. I so relate with internalization and being so abandon and invalidated.

And yes, some people can't handle you. I have friends who have abandon me because they just could not handle me. That was very hard for me to accept, and it still hurts to think about those people. But now I need friends who can handle me. And I would rather be right where I am with no friends at all, than to have the wrong friends.

I really relate with being so overwhelmed and just not knowing what to do, or not trusting the person/people who are supposedly closest to you, due to past trauma or just due to the fact that they have betrayed your trust.

Your partner sounds like he is not able to handle the emotional stuff you are going through, by prying when you are not ready to talk about it (boundary violation), and by ignoring you when you do need to talk about things (neglectful). He sounds unreliable and irresponsible. Not helping with house chores. And inconsiderate of your needs at the moment..

You deserve to have someone in your life that will listen to you, and not make you feel like you are a burden for going through what you are going through. My boyfriend may not know what the * to say sometimes when I am more upset than he could ever understand, but at least he Say's I am sorry and he feels sad for my pain because he's a * person!!

Good for you for taking some space. Take deep breaths. Read Pete Walker's steps in managing emotional flashbacks. Don't let your critic tell you you are not worthy or that it will all turn into * for you. You will get through this. You are obviously dedicated enough to do something about a relationship that doesn't seem to be going well at the moment. Remind yourself you are in an adult body, you are not that little girl that was abused by mom anymore. You are not friends with an invalidating person anymore.

Maybe taking some time apart will provide clarity for you, for what he is accountable for and for what you are accountable for, and as long as you are accountable for yourself and your actions, that's all that matters. If he can't come forward about the part of the relationship that he is lacking in, that is his problem...not yours.  I got faith you are gonna figure it out.  But I am so right here with you. I know that overwhelming mind that only leads to disaster and catastrophes. Its just that critic.

Take care of yourself. This is a rough patch. You'll get through big big  :hug:

KayFly, I cant believe you read that huge stream of stuff i wrote-

Thankyou for being so nice and for being here. You help a lot.
I find it very hard at the moment to believe all of your kind words, but i want to believe them.
I am so glad you didnt mind my post.

You are right i think about interlising that my feelings dont matter. The T said i was made to reject my feelings and not have any, and now I'm doing this to myself. hard to hear but true.
I am sorry you can relate and I'm mega sorry you were abandoned.
I have to ask, if you have this fear of abandonment, and of being alone...how did you get used to it if you have- / (doing with out those people)
How did you come to the conclusion that you would rather be alone if you had to be rather than to have friends and people who invalidate and abandon you? How did you take that step? Was it awful? were any of these romantic relationships?

I hope you are not alone now, if so, I'm sure you will meet people later on who treat you as you should be treated.

I have always thought of partner as neglectful, and i wondered if it was his fault- weather it is not not, doesnt mean its not happening, same as with my mother. Her own rubbish childhood that made her the way she is isn't and wasnt her fault.
But you writing it helps me to see it.
You have a way of summing up the main points i made, and making sense out of them- basically helping me to see more clearly whats going on in my head.

That is really nice that your partner feels sorry for what you are going through. Its difficult i imagine, that he doesnt understand but it is nice that he is sorry.
I think that i am like my mum in the way that I'm angry and it comes out in pickiness, which I'm trying to control, my dad couldn't handle her (he is neglectful anyway), so i dont blame partner but the fact that i said to him that i dont feel he cares and he never replied, i just think he is done- or thats the impression he gives.
burden is a good word to use.
He may not be in touch with his feelings, or may be overwhelmed. But it is so triggering, and i know its a real problem not just a flashback.

I will read Pete Walkers steps- thank you for the recommendation.
I never even thought of the critic.
I dont hear it often, if i do I'm not aware, i mean, of course the critic would pop up like it did in the past when similar things happened, and it is a form of self protection to hide from the hurt that is the truth.
And thank you for telling me to remind myself that I'm an adult now.

I know i am accountable for things too, just to clarify, i cant see what at the moment, as i always blamed myself as everybody else did including partner, now I'm not doing that as T says I'm rightfully angry with him. But i will try, there are two sides to relationships i have heard often.

You are right that the only thing i can do is be accountable for my actions. Im trying so hard to be calm and mature, and if he still cant handle it, then thats not my fault.

Your message made me cry it was so lovely and reassuring. I cant thank you enough and i appreciate your support so so much.

I hope your ok, big  :hug:  to you too.

Aww. I cried when I read your post too because it seemed like you didn't think it was important, and I feel that all too often.

I hope I didn't come across as to say you are not being responsible or accountable for your own actions, because from some of the things you are saying, you are a very accountable, aware human being. You know what traits you picked up along the way, or at least some of them, and you admit things that are not fun to admit. You are brave.

Haha. I hope that you can believe me. I can relate to not being able to believe that people are actually being nice to me. I go through that with my boyfriend. He'll be looking at me compassionately, and I will be like grossed out, since I am so used to my psycho parents pretending to care.

Great questions about the abandonment/being alone. I feel like I have been alone for a long time.

Last year when I decided that the place I was living wasn't working, I needed to divorce myself from my family, and forget about the guy I was off and on with, I moved to a different area (where I live now).  One of the reasons I wanted to move to this area, besides to branch off more into my artistic career, was to be closer to my childhood best friend. We had been friends since the 2nd grade.  We were off and on. Sometimes when we started hanging out in adulthood, we would fight, but I was really excited to live closer to her.

I moved down, and she met me at a starbucks one day, and she said basically "Don't ask me for help. I'm not helping you with anything." I almost cried right there in the coffee shop. What a mean thing to say. What a hurtful thing to say. It grosses me out to think about it now.

Well I didn't conclude that she was a person that couldn't actually handle me as a friend until I was in therapy, months later. But man it had drilled so hard in me. She kept not calling me for no reason or saying "I'm busy for the next month"...And I was so excited to see her. The thing was that I was telling her about my trauma, and she wasn't able to handle it. Its just the way that my T explained it to me, it was like, "well, she can't handle you, but that doesn't mean your not awesome." (like she didn't say that, but she has a way of expressing herself that always makes me feel good about myself...well maybe not always...lol ANYWAYS)..

So I had to let it go, and since then, when I have a bad encounter with someone, or someone doesn't call me back for no reason, or show any effort in the friendship, it's easier for me to go, "well, they just aren't in a place to be friends with someone like me."

I'm striving for health, and I want to be there for myself as much as I am there for other people and I want other healthy people in my life, and even though it still hurts to think about my childhood friend, the loss of my family, the loss of many, I am here now, and that makes me one of the strongest people that I know. There is a lot of self esteem in really getting through something like that. It really hurts, but you can get through it.

I was even homeless for almost a year (well I lived in a van) at one point. It was tough in the  winter, very cold, and I wasn't able to function enough to work, but now I am in a good place, in a good home, I mean I have severe emotional problems, but like, I like that "everything is temporary" kind of idea, when something you are going through is hard.

I went to school today. I've cried a lot since I have been home. I'm grateful for alone time for that reason sometimes. Its just easier for me to let it out when I am alone. But I'll get up and take care of my responsibilities tomorrow, and I will probably come home and cry a lot for some time, and thats okay with me because crying is healing, and I will cry for the rest of my life it means i am healing every day (but I don't think I will have to cry everyday for the rest of my life )

I really can't speak to you about your partner or what you should do with that situation, but I believe that the answers are within you and that with time and continuing to reach out for help, eventually these will just be things that happened, and not a huge deal in your life.

I really wish you the best. I'm so glad I could be of help in some way.

I cant believe you cried! It sucks that you feel that way too, that your feelings arnt important. I know that your feelings are important.

No, no, you didnt come across as to say I'm not being responsible.
I just worry that people will think that I'm totally blaming partner and taking no responsibility. I have always been blamed in the past= never him with any problems with relating.

*you are a very accountable, aware human being*.-
thank you, i hope so and I'm trying to be. Definitely more aware.
You are brave too. I really mean that.

It is hard isn't it to get out of the paranoid belief that people dont mean what they say, that its not true, that if they knew you, or spent time with you at least, they wouldnt think or say those things anymore.
I hope you can over come this.

I can relate to parents pretending to care. Sometimes for their own aims. And I felll for it sometimes.

It is so so sad that you feel you have been alone for a long time. It shouldnt be that way.
I am sure that something great will come along for you. I guess we have hard journeys, but hopefully good comes from it in the end, or even along the way, and that we will meet good people eventually.

What did was so freaking brave. So brave. You are strong I'm sure, even if you dont feel like it. And everyone has their moments when they are not so strong, and thats ok too.
You should be so proud of yourself, i hope you are.
All of that sounds incredibly difficult. And being homeless!!  :blink:

You and your friend fighting, perhaps you were used to turbulent relationships, so you stayed?

Im sorry you had to bear your friend saying that to you. Its like  a complete rejection to your face and must of been extremely painful.
Doesnt she understand that that would effect you based on your past experiences with abandonment?
She could of at least been more subtle with her words. Maybe you didnt tell her too much about your past.
I guess you now know the truth, and whilst going through the truth is painful, as you lose someone you thought was a friend, who you thought or hoped cared, i would rather know the truth than waste my time, as time gets wasted a lot in these bad relationships i think, until we realise the truth through whatever means.

Yes, it seems that therapy helps you realise things you never would have on your own.

You do not deserve a friend that treats you like that. The friendship doesnt sound like it was equal, and thats no good, its not fair and it cant progress and be healthy.
It sounds like she wasnt up for the relating part, and if so, only on her terms.
I have heard that some just cant handle the truth of your story. its too much for them.
Its so true, it doesnt mean your not awesome, what a good way to think about this- or to see it as correctly.

Yes i understand that you T can not make you feel good about yourself all of the time.
Its so difficult when therapy is triggering and then you start to distrust them, weather you trusted before or not.

How did you let this go?
Im no good at grieving at the moment, if i come close i disassociate unintentionally then i feel nothing ,but i spent my time running away from relationships where i wasnt wanted by the other person, emotionally running so i was numb to it.
I know thats not healthy.

I am glad that its getting easier for you to see that it is not your fault if a person doesnt want to be friends  with you...

I hope that the hurt will stop, when you think of your Foo and old friends. Maybe it wont, but i hope it will get easier.
Healthy grieving is the aim, with no guilt on your part for what went wrong.
As you say, you can only be accountable for your actions.

Hey, if you want to talk out why you are crying, please feel free. I am happy to listen.
I hope your tears are making you feel a bit better. Maybe it will take time, but you should be proud of yourself. It is really difficult stuff you are going through and working through.

Yes, i dont want you to feel that you have to give me answers about the situation with partner.

*eventually these will just be things that happened, and not a huge deal in your life* - that would be so great, and i usually get over things- yes by pushing it away, but it is manageable even if it doesnt seem like it is in the moment.

I wish you the best too, and your understanding is so valuable.
I hope i havent just said loads of things you already know, I'm basically agreeing with you i guess, because i do agree, and i like the way you view things.

ps. checked out pete walkers flashback steps, and a lot of his stuff before the steps on his website page are comforting to read, and is me to a T.
Thankyou for suggesting this.
You really help me to feel less alone, and i really hope i can do the same for you.

:hug:

Thank you Indigo for your kind response and for all of your validation. It really does help me to feel less alone, more heard, and also this process of talking to you, and opening up about my experiences has helped me a lot. It kind of like took the things that I was learning, and really set them into me more.

I don't like to give advice to anyone unless its something I am doing myself, otherwise I find it hypocritical...But I realized while I explained things like about my old friend and how it's easier now to say "That person just isn't able to handle me as a friend."...it was like this conversation helped me validate this in myself more, which is good because I remember how hard it was at first. And I'm glad I can say it's getting easier, to provide hope for others. It helps my self esteem.

So don't feel like this conversation is not a learning tool for me. It is very helpful. :)

As far as trust goes, well I have severe trust issues and I haven't let go of them all. I still don't trust my boyfriend sometimes, or my T, or doctor, or teachers or friends. Trust is earned, maybe it's harder to earn with me. I'm okay with that. I've been hurt and I have the right to be distrusting. But yesterday, I was having this conflict with my Psychiatrist, Therapist and Primary Care Doctor...they were all telling me different medicines to take, no one was on the same page, and it was getting to me for weeks (and I also recently attained asthma so I can't really take any of the meds, since they triggered that) and I was very triggered by everyone pulling me in different directions or even trying to get me to take meds (triggered from the past, and not trusting the people who were supposed to take care of me, my parents)

So I called my T and I told her I had a huge problem with all of this, and she validated everything, helped me calm down about it by saying like "No one could have known you had this reaction to the meds." Meaning, we want the best for you...and it was frightening for me to tell her I had a problem with the way things were going, but when I did, I felt so much better and resolved because above all those relationships, the one with my T is the most important. I love my other doctors too, but I was feeling unheard, and when it came to resolve, I felt a release that I had been holding in. That may be one reason I cried

I also cried yesterday a lot because I miss my sister. I posted about it in Lets Hear it For the Music.  Loosing my family has been really hard. I mean I know they were abusive, but it was just a year ago that I estranged myself from them, and stepped into a whole new world, very alone and afraid. So I cry all the time because I am grieving basically.

I'm really glad you are making steps to take care of yourself. It's so crucial and thanks a bunch for reading all this, and for caring about my feelings or why I am sad sometimes. It really means a lot. Sometimes I post something on here and will be so devastated and in pain, and someone else will post something similar below me, and what I said, gets overlooked and everyone responds to the other persons pain. I don't know why that has happened at least 2 or 3 times now, but it kind of pisses me off.

So I am glad you are here.  :hug: I hope you have a good day. And best of luck with everything

Hey KayFly

How are you doing? Do let me know if you can, I care a very much.

I do hope i help you to feel less alone, and I'm sorry you feel alone.
It is an awful awful feeling.
It is good to write, and to write about your feelings / process...as yes, i agree it does help you to see things more clearly.
I am so glad its helping you to validate things in yourself.
It is difficult and must of been so difficult to come to the conclusion you had come to about other people, as i think its easy to blame ourselves.
I am at the blaming phase at the moment, and hope to move past it.

It makes sense that trust is harder to earn with you, considering everything you have been through.
You have been hurt, and you have every right to be dis trustful. My T said this to me too, and i cried after i left, as i was shocked she even said that to me, i couldnt believe it was me that had been hurt, and I felt so sad about it, and cried because someone was validating that fact.
Maybe its about finding a balance between protecting ourselves in a heathy way, and not pushing everyone away...or being too distrustful.
Its hard to get.

I can see how that experience with your Psychiatrist, Therapist and Primary Care Doctor would mess you up.
Im sorry about the asthma too.
Its good that you knew what it related back to (your parents) but as I'm finding, it doest help the pain, and I'm sorry that happened to you, with your parents.
You must of been freaking out.
Im sorry it went on for weeks, it must of been terrible.

It is scary, as you yourself are not a doctor....well, I'm presuming...may be wrong!! so you can not help the situation by deciding what to take.

You should congratulate yourself majorly for talking to your T about it.
It sounds like it was very difficult for you to do, and you should be proud that you did it.
I am glad she was able to calm you and help.
Im glad you released some of that feeling. It is whats needed i think.
And about your sister and Foo.
I understand the feeling of feeling unheard. 

It is hard, even if they were abusive. It is all you knew.
And of course, stepping out into the world alone is terrifying. You sound brave, its just a shame you had to be not out of choice.

Can i ask what you did when you left them? where you went?
I wish you luck on the grieving process. Im always here if you want to talk it out.

Feeling alone and scared in the world, distrusting others, and feeling un heard- i totally relate to all this, and it is not at all pleasant. Im super sorry you are going through all this.

I didnt realise that- about the forum and people ignoring your posts. That really sucks and isn't comforting at all when this place really should be. I dont blame you for being pissed off in the slightest.

Im sorry if you feel let down by me not replying to this for a bit...I wanted to write properly and i was a mess and couldnt focus and I'm so sorry if you felt alone at all.

You are sweet to thank me, but really, there is no need to.
I am really happy to be here for you.
I hope you are doing nice things for yourself too- it really is crucial.

Thanks a lot for your good wishes, and best of luck with everything with you too.

:hug: :hug: :hug:

Hey I just wrote you on the other post.  I am okay. I have been really anxious for the last day or 2 and decided to take some time away from the site because I just need to take some time and figure out how to say things without reacting so emotionally at times.  I also am just getting really busy with school and other therapy groups coming up...

I'm really excited my partner just got back tonight so I am going to spend the weekend with him.

Thank you so much for responding to all that I said, especially while going through all that you are.  I had a really good conversation with my T the other day, and a good session with her that helped. No one could have predicted I would have a bad reaction to the medications and I see now that they had good intentions, but it had to be worked out through a talk.

To answer your question about leaving my FOO, I moved to a new place, changed my phone number and didn't tell anyone where I was going. I had to let go of like, everyone, and everything I knew. It's been a year now, and luckily I met my partner who has taken me into his home and has a great family who has taken me under their wing. So I can go to school, and nourish those relationships while afford therapy. I am truly a blessed person. I remain grateful, though the past year has been very much filled with grieving and crying and sometimes screaming and punching pillows. But I have come very far. It's a process. I have a couple great friends who know where I have come from, who have been friends a long time. They don't live here, but they are always with me.  It's still hard to talk about now...the family thing, but I feel safe here with you. I will reach out if I need to talk about it in the future...and share more.

Again I don't feel let down or burdened by you in any way. I really really truly wish for you to be cared for and to heal. I know it's so hard to know that, and I know it's so hard to trust, and I am with you in that process.

I'm gonna cut it short and be with my partner :) He has been gone over two weeks and I just want to be held.

I'll be away from the site for a short time, but I'll be back. Just need to practice some self care. Sorry if I don't respond to anything for longer than usual.

Take care!! I'll be thinking of you  :hug:

Hey again  ;)

Hey, I'm so sorry your feeling anxious. I wish there was something I could do to stop it for you. I know its all a process, but sometimes, it just plain sucks and it feels we are getting no answers simply by just feeling so awful.

I understand you need a break. I hope it helps. I hope you are able to be whatever you are / feeling at the moment, I hope you have support and love, and i hope you feel safe.
I hope you are able to centre yourself and do whats best for you. It is ok to do what ever it is that you need to do.

I also hope that school and therapy groups go well too.

I hope you have a lovely weekend with your partner.
No worries about responding.  I care a lot, and I couldn't leave you whilst going through a really hard time. Know one should have to be alone during those times.

Im so glad you and your T had a good conversation about what happened.
I hope she gave you some insight if you needed it, but lots of empathy works wonders.
I also hope that everything goes ok with your medication now.

I hope you didn't feel you had to explain about leaving your FOO.
That must of been simply terrifying, i hope that you are proud of yourself for moving away.
I am glad you get on with your partners family and that your have great friends.

You are coming far always, even if it doesnt feel like it sometimes.
All of this is progress, every second.
I am glad you feel safe here, I hope you continue to despite the triggers, and I do hope you will reach out if you want / need to talk in future.

I am so glad you dont feel let down by me or burdened.
I have to say, that you are an amazing writer. the way you write your posts - its different to others writing. Your compassion seems to shine through, I'm not sure how you do it, you have such a way with words.

I am with you also.
Thank you for your understanding and you empathy.
Don't worry about your responses. Take time for yourself, treat yourself, you seem to give so much to others and seem to be a very caring, understanding, lovely person and you need to take time for you.

I will be thinking of you too and I'm always here.
Take care of yourself... :hug:

Thank you so much Indigo  :hug: It means a lot. Take good care of you. You so deserve it.

No worries KayFly. Same to you too.  :hug: :hug: