So I am just becoming aware of how much I am triggered, and sent into EF's. It is unbelievable. I can see why I spent most of my life in denial of so much. I live in so much fear.
I just want to tell you about my experience going to my physical therapist appointment yesterday.
Leaving, I looked at my leather purse: Trigger...flashback to mom's leather purse...not a big deal..alright, lets get out of the house now
I drive, park, get out of the car at the hospital, I see a lady that looks like my mom, trigger, go into deep depression.
I go to the pharmacy, because I am early and need to pick something up, there is a young man standing close to me, and another man in front of me, I'm like in a state of panic just being close to these men. I felt like the young man, who was tall was going to come on to me in a sexual way that was scary to me. (maybe EF to being raped...I don't even know)
Then I go down to my appointment, check in, wait in the waiting room. A man comes up and speaks charismatically, like he's flirting with the girls behind the counter, this reminds me of my father, trigger, then I am sent into rage. This is all while I am having trouble breathing so it probably looked like I was having an asthma attack in there...
Then a lady sits next to me, older and sparks conversation, trigger. Or maybe just uncomfortable since i was writing in my journal, felt like she was peering...then I slowly talked myself out of being hyper vigilant and went from thinking the lady was humiliating her husband who had Alzheimer's (my mom always humiliated me), EVEN THE GUY WITH ALXHEIMER"S WAS A TRIGGER. My grandfather had it, and that was my dad's way of swaying me into the last * christmas my family will ever see me at, but later noticed how nice the lady was to her husband and it was touching, but then I felt so stupid for being guarded in the first place.
Then I see a man go up to the counter, who looks like my dad, and I go into like freeze mode. Terrified. Absolutely terrified. I just bury myself back in my journal.
So I make it into my appointment, for physical therapy, but I am having so much trouble breathing that she recommends I go make an appointment upstairs to talk to a doctor. So I do, but I have an hour and a half to kill so I go sit outside on a bench and write in my journal. I called my boyfriend and told him about the breathing thing, and seeing another doctor for it and my boyfriend encourages me to go get food.
I didn't want to go get food, because, 1 i was being lazy, but 2 I have a fear of eating in front of people because my father used to call the women in our family fat, womanize, etc...always picked on us for our appearance, not to mention sexualizing me, raping me...jesus I am so mad right now.So I didn't eat lunch because I was too afraid to. Lets be honest. I have been afraid to eat in front of people, or eat alone in public my whole life. Its such an intense, deeply engrained EF because it was so repetitive, and it was like, I couldn't even fight it.
This was so exhausting. I went to the doctor, was triggered by a man his size and color and ethnic background for another bad encounter. I at one point realized how afraid i was and started balling in the doctors office. He got tests for me to run...
I got the tests done, at one point, I actually didn't take the elevator because there were people over there, and people means danger to me, then i start getting really real with myself, and I am like, * this *. Why? I'm not even telling you guys all the triggers I had. These were just the notable ones. Otherwise I would be here all day.
I get home and the doctor calls me and says I had to go to the ER immediately. They think i have a blood clot causing me to not be able to breathe. I spent all night in the ER to find out I don't have a blood clot. I came home and took way more benzo's than I usually do I'm prescribed up to 2 mg, but I usually only take 1mg a day. Took 3, with some sleeping medication, hadn't really eaten all day, but refused food from my loving boyfriend who would have made/got me anything I wanted.
I was so fed up and sick of the day, sick of living in this, that i just took drugs and went to sleep.
I don't nourish my body because I am afraid. Why did they do this to me? Why is it so hard to live? I feel like this is all just crashing down on my at once, and I need some serious help with it, wether it be here, or group therapy, or talking it out with my therapist, psychiatrist, whatever...but I want people to know what i am going through because this is a difficult place to be alone. It has been for a long time, but I was never able to label or identify or even put words to what was going on
I have school coming up in a couple weeks. It's scary. I don't like leaving my house because human beings are triggers to me. Even when my boyfriend comes home from work, I have weird resistant reactions.
I guess I have had it up to here.
Goodness that's so much and I so identify. My entire existence was one EF to another to where I don't know if I was ever *not* in flashback for days. I really empathize. Not sure if you've looked into this information:
http://pete-walker.com/flashbackManagement.htm
It helped me immensely learn how to even recognize what a flashback even is because it was just how I existed all the time.
You are not alone.
Thanks Butterfly.
I too, am sorry you all struggle so much.
It effets socialising for me...maybe same for you guys, and i feel that if not everting triggered me, i would have more of a social life.
Going anywhere with my partner triggers me.
Being in new places, interacting with certain others, getting the train....
god.
There is so much stress in just simply going to visit people.
People and situations are like billboards with pain displayed on them, and i want nothing to do with the pain.
I wonder how i dealt with it in the past, i did deal i know but yes i was in denial.
Now i flashback, know its happening, or down know but m not in deniall, then disassociate afterwards / during the experience.
It's really good to know I am not alone and I appreciate you guys reading my long thread and relating.
I guess I just felt I needed to provide an example of a day where it was really bad, and since I am just now becoming aware of EF's, its like geeze.. I am going through constant triggers.
Indigo, I feel like it really takes a toll on my social life too. It's kind of a bummer because I am such a social person. But at the same time, I feel like my body is needing to take this time to react a little differently to people. As the ones I trusted before, left me here.
I really empathize with that curiosity of how we possibly got our way through before. It's weird how our bodies almost protect us through it all by denying it, until we are in a safe enough environment to let it come out. I'm at least grateful to be in a safe enough environment. But its not fun. And sometimes it just comes out randomly.
I get triggered when I am out with my partner a bit, but more when I am out by myself. I get so afraid of being hurt while alone. I think it's abandonment issues...or something...I'm not quite sure yet
I'm sorry you guys go through it too. Thank you for being here for me through it. I hope it continues to get easier.
oh my, just read this thread and there was me thinking i was alone in this kind of stuff. like u say, i can remember being able to act normal but i can't seem to do it anymore.
i have cut out everything possible, don't see anyone except my GP and my T, and my son. even that is hard.even talking to my kids, my daughter on the fone, anything, makes me feel so scared. i am scared in my little flat, where no one hardly comes. i am even frightened when the postman puts the post through the door or my neighbour goes past my window. i am dreading it becos my daughter is going to visit soon, and she will stay with me. i love her so much but i dread having to be with her and pretend to be normal.
just walking down a road is torture. i make myself do stuff, try to do one thing at least each day, like, go to the gym or the library, do shopping, even some days just wash the dishes or sit in the garden with a book. otherwise i would become totally agoraphobic becos everything is torture. i make myself do this stuff becos i know it's better than the alternative, but frankly for me human beings are really scary. especially if they seem to be nice. that's the worst. am i totally crazy? :stars:
Quote from: arpy1 on August 22, 2015, 11:15:34 AM
am i totally crazy? :stars:
Nah... Or I'd have to be totally crazy as well. ;)
I relate to a lot you've said, notably the "especially if they seem to be nice", part.
One thing that helps me is to go to the weekly market (like I just did). After a while I've become a regular at certain stalls, and it's amazing how friendly many market people are. "Hey, there you are again!" etc. They start to give you extra's or cut something of the price, with a wink when they give me my change back. Not every week of course, but enough to feel the (mutual) appreciation.
("I'm not completely crazy... some parts are still missing", I've seen on a T-shirt one time ;D )
he he, i like that. just wish i cld work out where i put the missing bits! thanks DtchUncle
Thanks for sharing arpy1. It startles me when the mailman puts mail in my indoor mailbox . The sound of it startles me. loud sounds startle me . It's part of the trauma.
I'm sorry you feel so tense . I feel you . You are not alone and you are definitely not crazy . I commend you for doing the best that you can with your daughter . That's big :hug:
thankyou Kayfly. helps :yes:
:)
Arpy1
Heres another person who is the same!
You are definatley not the only one in this.
I am so sorry you are struggling so much!
I hate talking on the phone too, i mean, to the point where i just wont.
I think if we dont relate properly to others, well this is my problem...its such an effort to put on an act that everything is ok, and we do it when we have to ie. work..so why do it in our spare time too when its lonely and exhausting.
The key to this is developing real relationships. Not on the surface ones only.
Can I ask what you are afraid of in your flat?
I am scared too being in the house alone. I wont go into why as its quite long. Im just interested as to why you are afraid too.
I get scared at the post man, the dog barking, any creak or noise in the house- i have always been afraid of loud noises, noises in general but never knew why.
I used to be afraid of generators as a little girl, bin lorries/ lorries in general, drills, the vacuum cleaner...etc etc.
Do you think you could explain to your daughter whats happening?
I would explain if so, that its not the way it should be, there is noting scary that will hurt us...but for you, you *think* there is.
Its not your fault...you do know that dont you? :bighug:
If you didnt know...it comes from abuse, from being hypervigelant growing up...in order to protect ourselves, we have to second guess what our abusers are going to do next, what mood they are in, how best we can not rock the boat.
We are hypervigelant in our adult life too, as your brains are wired up to protect us, even if we no longer need that sort of protection any more because now we are *safe*.
Its great that you make yourself do things.
When the remainder of the original traumas came up, i had to be out the house all the time, and was probably disassociated from the triggers that come from being with people, because i had to be to survive, as i couldn't be in the house.
You are not crazy, simply a result of your abuse.
And yes, nice people freak me out too, because i think they are are doing it only to be nice , to not be rude, i mean, only my mum loved me and care d about me more than anyone else in order to say the hurtful things she did to me, but she is messed up herself, so yeah.
And i worry that people will turn out to be horrible in the long run.
Our traumas were interpersonal, Cptsd is usually i think interpersonal traumas ie. childhood traumas and abuse from care givers.
Hope this helps somewhat. :stars:
take care ...
Indigo
thank you indigo, i think i am increasingly realising that people here do feel like i do in so many ways, it's totally new thing or me when i have been on my own in my head for so long.
what am i afraid of in the house? i don't know. i think it's of people outside getting inside or maybe something to do with a thing that happened just after i left my husband and got a place of my own. i was pretty traumatised and my little house was my refuge and i felt safe there and i could finally rest.
a few months later i had a letter from a guy i was engaged to when i was 18, the guy who introduced me to the cult i lived in fr 15 yrs.
we didn't stay together, we both married other people and after both of us couples had left the cult, we lived quite near, so they used to visit and our kids used to play together etc. i thought we were just a bunch of friends with a lot of past in common. i actually got close to his wife, and she used to talk about her marriage probs etc. but i never thought anything of it.
anyway, long story short, after i got my own place i got this letter, in which basically he basically delared undying love, said he had really wanted to marry me (i was his Rachel, his wife was his Leah if you get the bible story reference) and had freaked out when i married someone else. he was proposing that we 'be friends' and meet up on the pretext of 'helping me thru this time' but not to tell his wife,or anyone else... and to top it all off he put £100 in the envelope (for a new coat or something) i.e. buying my silence. well i sent him the £ straight back with a totally scathing letter telling him just what i thought of him and to go love his own beautiful wife instead of preying on me when i was so vulnerable,
But i just felt really really violated and that my home wasn't the safe haven it had been till then. yet another person i trusted who turned out to be untrustworthy, i spose. so i guess i don't feel safe anywhere becos that showed me that even if i hide away some one can always still get to me.
ho hum.
In alot of pain today, so can't write any more. thanks for reminding me it isn't my fault. but it feels like it is. i feel so bad today. sorry to be a misery. thanks for listening
Hi KayFly
It was a new thing for me too to find i wasnt alone.
Im so sorry to hear your in pain.
I know it feels like its your fault, i hope i didnt forget the empathy there. I know no matter how much someone tells you its not, you still believe its your fault
You are in no way a misery, i mean that.
I hope you feel a bit better soon.
God that is really scary what happened. He knows where you live. I hope you are safe.
You can call the police if you feel you are in danger, weather you are in physical danger or not. Don't know how youd feel about doing that if it came to it.
I am also afraid that my mum will come and get me. That shell take me away and trash this life i have now. She knows where i live, and the fear is real, weather she would or not.
Im sorry you feel that way. Thats so hard.
Im not sure what you are afraid of in the house.
Trigger allert
For me, sine i was re traumatised, I feel that there is an evil person in this house, they are in the spare room and they are coming to get me.
If I'm alone in the house they could get me, if i got upstairs, they could get me, so i dont much when I'm alone...used to not be able to at all, and i cant go up there at night, and i cant sleep in my bed at night if I'm on my own.
If they attack me, my partner or our dog wont hear, and wont help me.
If i talk abut my childhood, hardly ever though....but they can come and get me. So could my partner, this traumatisation evoked my fear of him doing whatever he wants with me.
Don't know if this sounds familiour.
I know this person isn't in the house, but when i feel she is, I know she is, there is no doubt about it if that makes sense, makes me sound psychotic or delusional, but its the feeling i have, such fear.
I also feel the world is unsafe, not just people, but the world.
I hope you can feel safe sometime and that this wont go on forever. Your home should be your safe haven. I havent felt safe in mine for a number of reasons for a long time now. I feel i have no true home, and that what i do have could just be swept from under my feet at any moment.
Take care of yourself... :hug: :hug:
ps. after reading this post about how many flashbacks you experience, I started noticing mine today. This morning, ive already had 15. 15!! by 9am!
I never realised how frequent either.
Some of them are thoughts, troubling, uncomfortuble thoughts, with feelings attached, intrusive thoughts i guess, you never notice them being so used to them.
I notice the really uncomfortable flashback feelings, but i think its all flashbacks, some though are purely thoughts created in my head, but i have enough insight now to know, that these thoughts are a result of the abuse.
Crazy crazy. Your post helped me to become more aware.
Amazing how many people feel insecure in their own house. I can so relate.
At some point I was so afraid I was going nuts for feeling this... :stars:
About a year ago I was send off the deep end by constant interfering/harassing by uHPDsis. E-mails, cards, phone calls... Leaving angry/upset messages on my answering machine, and when I wrote her I was upset by that she wrote back "I was not angry at all". It got worse and worse, she said she would be visiting a friend of hers in the town I live in...
I really got scared, I even started to look for the stalking-laws etc., because I felt there was no way I was going to get her of my back by just my own efforts. The infamous blackmail episode then also happened... It was horrid. Put on an extra bolt only front door, drew the curtains, retreated to the back room at evenings so there would not be lights showing to anybody at the front door... I was really scared she would show up in person. I was adamant in my resolve to tell her to buzz off, but I simply got nervous by the shear thought of having to defend my 'castle' on my very doorstep... Well, I would have done that from behind a closed and locked door in any case. Call the cops if she wouldn't leave. Thankfully she did not get that close...
Good grief... Only the memories of that still make me feel uneasy. EF's I guess?
And I don't feel completely save in my own house still. :pissed:
It's been quiet, for now, 8 months into NC. I only got one card from her, from her summer holidays. I threw it in the trashcan.
Things are slowly getting better.
All of the observations in this thread I can relate to, big-time.
I chose an isolated way of life long ago, but the triggers/ef's are unpredictable and border on absurd. Except they're not absurd, they're my "normal".
I'm still learning that it's okay to be my "normal" and not someone else's. That's when I just want to stop and cry 'cause I also hate myself for feeling that way, as if any of it was my fault.
***I know this is a thread on triggers, but there are a couple of references in the next 2 paragraphs that might trigger someone else***
It gets pretty bad. I can be off in a woods, but remember a time when some bad things happened years back during a school excursion to a wooded park. That will lead to memories of the bullying on the trip to and from; that of course can bring images back of many other times and settings associated with that school; my present-day peaceful saunter can deteriorate quickly into unease.
Another time, as a young adult, I was just relaxing alongside a park trail in an urban area, when I was grabbed by a stranger I didn't know was around. Although I was able to escape, it's memory is a horrific trigger. Even when I'm around where I live, 100+ miles distant from that spot, just the woodsy setting can trigger the panic--the beauty and peace I seek destroyed.
It's pretty bad to be triggered not just around people (almost 100% sure thing for me; afraid of everyone), but off alone. The ef's are omnipresent--whoa!!!--trigger word for me right there, and it popped in place just from that school memory--my adult abusers used that word to make you fear the deity who loved you so much he/it scrutinized everything you did 24/7 your whole life. It's awful how this stuff invades the most peaceful stroll nowadays, alone.
When I used to travel about by car more, it was habitual for me to worry whether the person in the back seat of the car 4 lanes over might not approve of me and that I better be nice; they probably don't like me. But the reality is that of course they probably never saw me in the first place.
Words, places, even peace and beauty, all triggers. If I ever wrote my autobiography, I think I'd call the book "Triggers".
Lately I've been reading lots about accepting--not tolerating, but accepting and going from there, 'cause you have to live life no matter the past. I guess I do accept that I can't stop the mind's waterfall. I just have to watch that the bad stuff doesn't pool up and stagnate when it crashes over the precipice; that I let the cascade descend into a fresh, precious stream of life going back to the sea.
So I hope we can all find that fresh stream.
Hey Indigo
Thank you for your empathy and I am really glad my post could help you become aware of your own triggers, although it's not comfortable.
I'm so sorry about what happened to you, and the reason why you are afraid in your house and I TOTALLY get what you mean when you say...
I know this person isn't in the house, but when i feel she is, I know she is, there is no doubt about it if that makes sense
That makes a lot of sense to me. I can relate to the unsafe feeling of being at home. I live a ways away from my FOO now, haven't had contact for a year, but when I first moved in with my BF, I would have dreams that they were coming after me, and I would be afraid they would kill me or find out where I live (because of all the threats involved as a child)...
At this point, if anyone messes with me, I am a big girl, and if I am not going to fight them off myself, I for sure will call the police. I recently had to report a sexual battery at a Massage Parlor. It was really sad, really hard, and I am a bit traumatized from it, but now I have learned what to do in the future, which is do something a lot faster than last time...
But going back to being paranoid in my home, my Mom's Boyfriend actually found my phone number, after I had moved to a new city, a new home, changed my number. It was stalker-like, I blocked his number and changed my number under my BF's account now and haven't heard anything, and a lot of the fear of being in my own home has subsided. (The massage thing brought up some new fears since I reported them...afraid they would come after me, etc) But for the most part, over time, it just gets better.
I know what you mean about not feeling like you have any true home. I have felt like that my whole life. But i am grateful for a supportive partner who has given me a place to start to build a foundation on my life, and the things I want to do with it, as well as provide me with stability. I'm grateful all the time for that.
Thanks for sharing Indigo.
Dutch Thanks for sharing that painful story. That sounds very severe. I relate with that strong paranoia. I remember when I was living in a studio in a more remote place, I was writing, and I recovered some kind of partial memory but definitely EF of being sexually abused when I was little. I remember shrinking into a little girl and trembling with fear, keeping my blinds closed and peering out the window, afraid to go outside, and afraid anyone would try to get in. That memory always sticks with me. For some reason I see it as more of like a precious thing, because I was being so protective of myself, in such a hard time.
I feel so gross all the time from so much abuse, but for some reason, that part of me that cares so much for my safety is kind of adorable. Kinda wieird. But thank you for sharing, and I am glad the contact with her has lessened
Woodsgnome,
I am too a lover of the wilderness, and one would think it would help to be in those desolate areas after all humans have done to betray our trust and hurt us. I'm sorry it haunts you so, and for such tragic memories.
It's like we can't really get away from those memories no matter how far we are from people. I am naturally a social person, so my fear of people has really taken its toll on my emotional well being.
I think its good you have been working on acceptance. I have too, though I also need to build on my tolerance muscle right now in order to tolerate my more "people oriented" life.
You sound quite aware of yourself. I'm sorry you hurt. :hug:
And I too hope we can all "Find that fresh stream" as you said :).
Hey KayFly
Whah, I'm sorry you have this fear too of something being inside the house and that you were threatened.
I dont remember much, but my mum did say *you always get found out!*
so i think she knows, and that she is mad. It may be all in my head however.
Sorry to hear about your incident in the massage parlour. Scary that.]
It is hard to react quickly when in shock or afraid, or when its a reminder of past traumas.
How creepy your mums bf finding your phone number etc.
Im glad its got a bit better.
Mine has too, but I'm still afraid to sleep alone or go upstairs sometimes in the day.
Sorry u also feel u dont have a true home. i have felt that way my whole life too.
That sounds really nice about your partner.
I hope you continue to build a foundation and have stability.
provide me with stability.
Indigo
Hey Indigo,
Thank you for all your empathy. The home situation is getting much better as time goes on.
I'm sorry you struggle with your mom getting so In Your Head. I have a similar understanding to that from my FOO.
At first I was afraid that those creepers found my phone number, but with all the technology today, it was probably quite easy for them. I'm not worried about it anymore. I'm watching tables turn in my life. Like the man at the massage parlor, he is reported with the state and city police and Massage Council and the establishment he worked at is probably going down, since the lady who I reported it to, tried to downplay it.
No one is getting away with hurting me any more. I don't have the tolerance. I guess all of this has turned me into a better person in a sense. It's definitely made me very protective of myself, and I accept that keeping myself extremely safe is okay for me at this time.
Thank you for your well wishes. I hope things get better at home.
I'm glad you are on this forum. You are very kind and empathetic and honest. It's refreshing and helpful. Hope you have a good day :)
Karen