K,
I wish I could reach out to you, to tell you that everything really *can* be okay again, or at least manageable. I know how you can be "fixed" because I did it myself. But I can't. My presence in your life would be too upsetting for you. You wouldn't want me around and I get why. I look and sound too much like your father. I'm a constant reminder of dark times and past traumas. There was a time when I felt the same way. I don't blame you for it.
Still, it pains me. I remember only happiness with you. You and my son, bouncing happily up and down the street and in the house, playing together. Little toddlers, my favorite niece.
I remember that one time you and C ran into a water pipe in your father's computer room and ruptured it on Voskamp. It was a crisis, but I couldn't quite be "mad" at you. You were toddlers. Running around and breaking ish was your specialty. It was a serious situation and I was the adult in charge, and you two were comically "serious" as well in the moment.
I fixed it and wondered why that dumb water line was even there in the first place. It's an odd memory to cherish, but I do cherish it.
There was a time when I was your favorite uncle and C was your favorite cousin. I never hurt you and I loved you very much. I do still love you to this day. But then life intervened. Trauma and dysfunction. I fled. You fled. Your father, your husband. All that ugly ish. I loved your cousin C as much as I loved you. I couldn't do anything for you but C was my son. I had to go away for his sake, but couldn't do anything for you. You were not my child.
Crazy as it sounds, I can relate to what you went through and how it impacted you. I was never your abuser, I was just a fellow traveler. You associate me with your memory of them, but I'm not them. It's very frustrating from my perspective. Again, I understand. Not your fault.
I hope I can help you someday if you ever reach out to me. I'm willing to do that for you. But I cannot reach out to you in good conscience. You're not in a good place for it. If you ever are and reach out to me, I'll be there for you.
-Your favorite uncle