D,
My last memory of you was your frank and honest discussion of what had snapped in you, why you couldn't understand why you always defaulted to anger and violence, that night with your daughter K, your invitation to reintroduce me to your life through flight sim. You were going to send me some peripherals just to get me involved.
I blew you off. Next I heard, you were dead. You had built a parallel virtual life online and when the power went out and you had nothing left, you hung yourself. R found you.
I want you to understand where I was at that point in my life. Things I understand a little better now. It was never that you were fundamentally flawed, you just got a raw deal. You went through even more horrible stuff than we did. I talked to your widow today and she told me about it. What stuck out in *your* mind wasn't what happened to us collectively, but what happened to you *personally*. V and I went to rehab in a safe and nurturing environment at LawnVue. You went to "the system" for further abuse by bigger kids and even adults. And you remembered *ALL* of it. Not us. We dissociated.
After that and the "Miss Pat" fiasco, we went to McIntyre and on to loving, nurturing foster homes. Not you. You were the designated "punching bag". Bounced around the system to Schumann, chucked down the stairs in a suitcase, rejected by foster parents. Abused by adults and bigger kids alike.
None of this was ever your fault. You were just a little kid. Too old to forget, but too small to defend yourself. Your motivation was the same as mine. Defend and protect your smaller and weaker siblings.
All that to say this: What you "were" was broken. I could not have you in my life. I could not have you involved with my family. I could not have you involved with me. You were full of rage and seething hatred and I could see it in your eyes. I'm sorry, but I had to leave you behind. You were too much of a risk and direct threat.
I still remember all the happy memories we built together. The stunt kites, the college dorm parties, the girls with weird fake colored contact lenses. the times in the radio studio. I remember all of it.
I'm sorry to say that your widow is not well. Your daughter K is making strides but I never burden her with my presence. I'm sorry bro, but I had to kick you loose.
Your baby sister is muddling through. She's a tough old bird now. As for me... I'm doing well. Honestly. Better than anyone could reasonably expect.
I wish you were still alive so I could pick your brain. You took so many of my secrets to your grave; secrets that I feel like I need to know. I can't honestly say I "regret" any of it. I would respond to you the same way I did back then. But I can honestly say that I don't blame you for it. Not your fault at all. You were a victim of circumstance.
I hope you rest easy, without that creepy "self- rocking" ish you always used to do. :blink:
-Slashy
GoSlash27,
I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes after reading this.
What you wrote holds so much honesty and care - for him, and also for the reality you had to live with.
Thank you for trusting us with something this personal.
:hug: 💛