My feeling of revulsion around family, M in particular, has been coming up a lot in therapy recently. So I thought I'd post here to see if anyone else has similar experience, or thoughts on it.
I do not want to be physically close to M. I avoid the perfunctory greeting peck on the cheek or hug as much as humanly possible without being outright rude.
My family often talk about things I object to. Their political views, thoughts on women etc are very unpleasant. But my T has pointed out that while their views are not exactly mainstream they are not total outliers either. Do I feel the same physical revulsion at anyone else expressing such things? Generally I don't unless it is someone who directly brings my family to mind due to being an obvious narcissist. But when FOO starts going on about such things I really boil up inside and want to get them far, far away from me.
I kind of liken it to a tarantula. I can objectively admire a tarantula and I can see that my FOO has some decent attributes. But that does not mean I want a tarantula wandering around in the same room as me! :aaauuugh:
We ran out of time in therapy today and undoubtedly I will discuss it more with T. My visceral reaction feels like a child reaction. I guess triggered by a feeling of danger. Interestingly, many years ago when FIL first met my M he pulled H aside and said "Be careful. That is a very dangerous woman."
I'm reading Mother Hunger at present. At one point the book invites the reader to remember a time they felt safe as a child and explore where they were and who was there. I have never, ever, not once, felt safe around my M. Does that mean she was dangerous or just that I did not feel safe? If she was dangerous, how was she dangerous? Clearly that's for me to ponder on and process.
But that revulsion? Where does it come from? I don't have children and I sometimes find myself actively thinking that it's a good job neither my sister nor myself has procreated. It's not a gene pool that needs perpetuating.
Hey NK, I hear you on the revulsion to your NM in particular. As I was reading your post I remembered a poster who said she would actually feel sick around her NM and that light went off as it often does here. I felt the same but also realized I felt quite guilty, as though I couldn't bear to clearly see her as she was. That was the moment, however, that I felt those feelings rise to the surface. I could see how broken, cruel and manipulative she was and that was hard because she was my M.
It wasn't something I wanted to feel about her but looking back I think feeling sick being near her helped me to be able to step away from her. Prior to that I had been very enmeshed and afraid of pulling back. I guess what I'm saying is that perhaps the revulsion means you are seeing her as she is and that is so hard to do when it's your own M. And maybe the revulsion will help you shield yourself so she doesn't poison you and/or your life? It is one of those very difficult things in recovery--feeling those things about our parents that are so hard to acknowledge. We do hunger for our parents love and when we finally realize we've never had that and never will have it, it's profoundly sad and even a bit frightening, or so I found.
As always, just my thoughts of course but I wish you well in figuring this out with your T :hug: