Out of the Storm

13th January 2026

So, this is my first entry for 2026 in this journal.  I'd like to first say that I do welcome replies and comments in my journal from others, as they are very validating and helpful to me - so if you wish to respond to anything I've said, please feel free to do so.  I value all of you, and what you say.  Thank you so much for supporting me on my journey so far.

So today I wrote (by hand) the following, which I am now re-typing to put in this journal, and will tear up the paper copy.  That process in itself seems therapeutic to me!

* More regulated
* Better able to notice bodily signs and consider them rather than react to them.
* Noticed more feelings that signify ANGER.
* Continuing to digest various biographies and autobiographies and especially glean things from ones that include therapy interactions.
* Still using bilateral stimulation and EMDR.
* Nightime - much improved.  Previous terror feelings no longer there.  Do get another feeling like abandonment, but less impact than previous terror.  Tend to consider the physical impact, bodily sensation - remaining curious - doing some EMDR for a minute duration - Tends to help and can then sleep!
* Frustrated with weight - I had lost weight prior to Christmas - but overdid it, and gained weight - never mind - focus again.
*Still experiencing some strong feelings of DISGUST/SHAME re: not being able to maintain a relationship with a toxic FOO.  Feelings of guilt.  Shame.  Ordered a book about Unshaming - hope this will help.
* Ordered Janina Fisher's new book about Fragmented Parts - understand it's a work-book, so hopeful it will build on her previous work, which has been invaluable to me.
* Noticed that I'm currently most likely avoiding looking at my CSA issues.  Hence feeling some overwhelm at not having sufficient time.  But is this because I am overwhelming myself.  Afterall I can choose how to allocate time etc.

Glad to have started this 2026 journal. 

That is a really good list. You identify progress and problems but it's nice to see that along with voicing the frustrations you are kind to yourself and consider how you can overcome the issues going forward.

What a great start to your 2026 journal.

 :yeahthat: really nice start to this journal, hope.

it struck me what you said about the terror being mostly gone, but it left room for feelings of abandonment now.  it sounds to me like you've grown emotionally, which i'm not surprised due to all the hard work you keep doing.  well done for the progress you've made!

keep up the good work.  i hope your new books are as helpful as the others have been for you.  love and hugs :hug:

Reading this, I'm really struck by how much awareness and regulation you are building, especially around anger, bodily signals, and nighttime safety.  :applause:

One small thing that came to mind (feel free to ignore if it doesn't fit) - maybe adding something like:
* "practicing kindness toward myself when things are messy"
or
* "allowing myself to go at my own pace."
Not as another task, just as a stance.  :)
:hug:
(If that's ok)

Hi Hope,
Continuing with what others wrote, I was particularly struck by your words:
"remaining curious - doing some EMDR for a minute duration..."

How beautiful and powerful to remain curious toward your self and your experiences. To try things and observe the effects on you.

I appreciate the inspiration to try EMDR for a brief time. I usually launch into a longer session which is more daunting.

I'm consciously working on acknowledging when I accomplish something. I see lots of reasons to celebrate on your list. I hope you can give that to yourself...
:applause:

Hi NarcKiddo, SanMagic, TheBigBlue, and Marcine,
I appreciate what you each said.  Thank you very much  :hug:  :hug:  :hug:  :hug:

*********
17th January 2026
It was interesting because I had been talking to my partner about the fact that I hadn't had the feelings of terror at night for a long while.  He then spoke of how he could remember several occasions when he had really feared that neighbours might have come to help - i.e. he told me that I had screamed so loudly sometimes at night.  We were able to laugh about this in retrospect, but I also felt the need to tell him how much I'd appreciated his being able to cope with this - and that he had responded in a helpful and supportive way that was invaluable to me. 

Anyway, I ended up having a night terror last night, and apparently shouted out (rather than screamed) - but I do have a partial memory of it - and I shouted at the point where I had thought that there was someone in the room (a woman) who was holding out a substance that I believed could kill me if I touched it - so that was interesting that it happened like that.  I am relieved that I was able to go back to sleep fairly quickly afterward.

However today my partner reminded me of it, and he wondered if the fact we'd talked about the lack of night terrors, and talking about them again, whether that had brought them back again. 

I told him that I think it's better to talk about things - than not. 

I hope so anyway. 

It's probably just a coincidence that it happened.  I'm not too worried about it.

I doubt that the night terrors will ever go away completely - but the thing is that I cope better, and my partner does understand this.

***********
I've been experiencing some feelings of GRIEF lately.  ANGER and GRIEF intermingled.  I might do some journalling about what's incorporated in that - maybe.  Not sure. 

Right now, I'm going to get a cup of tea. 

aaaah, grief.  i don't doubt that a lot of us have a lot of grief that needs to come up and out, so i'm glad for you, hope, that you're noticing some of yours.  we have lost so much over our lifetimes, on so many different levels.  i know i still have tons of grief somewhere inside, but i don't know that i have the time left anymore to get at it.  still, i can appreciate when others tap into it.  you're doing so well, hope.  keep up the good work.  love and hugs :hug:

Hi Hope,
I read your opening post for 2026 and was very touched. But I didn't respond immediately, probably related to being interrupted by a child or suchlike :-) Anyway, I'm back and I wanted to say how much I sensed self-care and understanding in your objectives for this year. It was very touching to read and feel the love in your words to yourself. It was inspiring, thank you.

And your comment to your husband about your night cries was touching too. I totally agree, it's probably better that it comes out, than it stays in. This has been a thought of mine since my last EF. I had the strange thought last week, when I was feeling pretty terrible, something like, imagine if I DIDN'T feel this? That is to say, it's there, but I don't feel it? And the next thought struck me... is it possible that it's actually "healthy" to feel the pain? That the "negative modality" (the Trauma) that must/needs/wants to come out, is much much better since it IS coming out? Imagine it's there, but it stays inside, hidden, crushed, throbbing...

This has been along the lines of my thinking for a long time about the purpose of pain. I feel a little childish thinking this, but I've not really understood why there's so much pain... And the idea has slowly been forming that pain is part of healing... or even, pain "initiates" healing. Whether it's the start of healing or integral to the process, I'm not sure...

Sorry to divert a little bit on my ideas, but your experience of night terrors brought it up in a very interesting way for me. Though I am very sorry you are experiencing that.

Sending love and hoping for peaceful rest.
 :hug:

Quote from: Hope67 on January 17, 2026, 02:26:39 PMIt's probably just a coincidence that it happened.  I'm not too worried about it.

This is so great. I am really sorry that you had a night terror after such a long break. But what I quoted there is a completely rational and adult reaction to this. It's very easy for all our child parts to get really upset and think it is our fault. We dared to talk about a night terror and BAM we have summoned one from the deep to punish us. My M was terrible for that sort of superstition. She really drummed it into me and I found myself feeling personally responsible for all manner of things that were nothing to do with me. The most dramatic was when the gas oven we had back in the 70s ignited strongly and singed her eyebrows. A few minutes before I had been quoting from a cartoon show where a character was saying "Oh no, somethings gonna HAPPPEN!" I thought it was funny because the character had a silly voice but got fiercely told off for my doom predictions. So of course I believed the oven issue was totally my fault.

I also agree with you that it is better to talk about things than not. I'm really glad your partner has been so good about supporting you when they happen.

 :hug:

Hi SanMagic, Thank you so much  :hug:

Hi Chart, I appreciate what you said, thank you  :hug:

Hi NarcKiddo, Thank you for sharing your experience, and thanks for what you said  :hug:

***********
This time of year is tougher isn't it.  I think so.  The weather and these weeks leading into Spring - but I am looking forward to Spring and the flowers - they'll be here soon, and the warmer weather.  I have lots to read - and really the weather doesn't impact too much on that - as it can be cosy to read whilst rain pours.  Glad I wrote this now, as I feel a little more positive already! 

glad you're feeling better for having written it out, hope.  we have beautiful snow here, it's been a very pretty winter, but i also look forward to the spring flowers.  i agree w/ the feeling of cozy while it's below 0 outdoors!  enjoy!  love and hugs - those flowers will be here soon!  :hug:

Hi SanMagic, how wonderful that you have snow.  That sounds so nice.  Yes, those flowers will be here soon.  :hug:

*********
21st January 2026
I want to quote this from p.14 of 'The Unshaming Way' by David Bedrick:

"The act of unshaming relates; it witnesses with feeling.  When a person experiences a listener's compassion, empathy, and heart, they internalize the sense that they matter, counteracting shame's message that they do not."

This reminded me of a situation that happened where I hit my head quite hard on an unexpectedly low ceiling area/object, and the response of a person there was so caring and concerned for my well-being, and I remember that so many parts of me were very surprised that someone had cared enough to notice and say how they were concerned.  It was emotional to feel that care and feel witnessed with compassion and caring.  I have remembered it strongly since, and reading what David Bedrick wrote about unshaming reminded me of that situation, and that strong feeling when witnessed and treated with empathy, care and concern.

Hi Hope,

Welcome to 2026 and your starting a new year  :cheer:

That's a really good list of things for you to focus on.

All the best for 2026  :hug:

dolly

Hi Dollyvee, Thanks so much  :hug: Wishing you all the best for 2026 as well.

********
23rd January 2026
I had been feeling a bit overwhelmed as I had so many books out from the library and intended to read them - plus I'd bought a few books as well - anyway - I've returned ALL my library books and have decided just to focus on the books I've bought - and I am also considering potentially having a digital break for the whole of February - but not sure whether I'll definitely do that or not.  I'm finding it liberating to make decisions - almost as if I feel more 'adult' for making those decisions.  Now that I no longer have a large pile of books - and instead have a more manageable list of books that I'd like to read - I feel like it's already feeling lighter and more manageable!

I also think that a digital break for February would stop the algorithm thing that seems to happen - i.e. taking me down various rabbit warrens with regard to content that I end up reading online - having that digital break means I can then focus my brain on things I actively choose to look at in the non-digital world.  Maybe buy a newspaper, or magazine, or book, rather than seemingly randomly reading social media content etc.

I am relieved that there are less temptations around food-wise (now that the festive period is over) - because it means I can re-focus on trying to eat heathily and lose some of those extra kilos/pounds that have re-joined me! 

hey, hope, i know you take breaks away from here, maybe from all things digital every so often, and it seems that when you return you're always glad you did it.  good for you.  and well done picking and choosing about your books.  if it made you feel lighter, it must've been a good thing,

it seems to me you've become quite adept at knowing what you need and don't need.  excellent work you've done to reach that point.  keep it up, ok?  love and hugs :hug:

Hi SanMagic, Thank you  :hug:

*******
24th January 2026
Just copying some notes I made about ANGER, so I can tear up the paper copy, but keep the notes in this journal.

Unfortunately I don't know what source I found these notes in.

These are the notes I took:

Emotion as a houseguest - showing up to tell you something.   Open the door.  Give them a moment to connect with you.  Go on with the rest of your day.

***

Anger - It's not a bad feeling, but when we ignore or project it, it can lead to unhelpful reactions.

***

Anger - helps us speak up when we've been hurt.

***

Anger - helps us identify and protect our boundaries.

***
Shadow work (Jung) - meet those hidden parts with curiosity and compassion.

nice notes, hope.

i've heard before about the connection between anger and boundaries - that when a boundary of ours has been crossed, it's natural to feel angry about it.  natural, as in anger is with us from the beginning.  how many times has that anger been stomped down by someone else in order for us to shy away from it later in life!  the idea that we had boundaries, we wanted them respected, they weren't, and we reacted in a way that made someone else feel uncomfortable?  it's on them once again.  just my opinion.  love and hugs :hug:

Thanks for sharing, Hope.
I'm starting to understand anger and sadness as two sides of the same coin. Sadness often comes from loss or hurt; anger comes from the same place, but it carries the signal that a boundary was crossed. For me, anger has been much harder to find, so it often goes underground and shows up as sadness, collapse, or exhaustion instead. But I am trying to allow  anger to exist - even quietly - as it can actually be protective. 💛

A productive/constructive first month of this year for you, isn't it? I'm getting good vibes from your posts ;D  :cheer: Very much looking forward to the unshaming book. Almost there... Your earlier quote from the book is profound. Little overt violence needs to happen in order to install toxic shame in a child. Chronic misattunement/emotional neglect is a solid pathway for that. 

Thank you SanMagic - I very much appreciate what you said  :hug:

Thanks TheBigBlue - I also try to leave some space and opportunity for my anger to surface, as I do think it is protective.  Thanks for what you said.  :hug:

*********
27th January 2026
I've been dreaming lately - really realistic dreams.  I've been waking up from those dreams with very tense muscles, as if I've been in a state of fight/flight in the dreams.  Some of the dreams have been based in my early childhood settings - but I think I've been an adult, rather than a child.  I think I've been taking a more 'active' role in the dreams - i.e. rather than being a passive person, I've been actively involved in 'actions' - so this feels quite good to me, when I reflect on it.  It's like I'm actively taking some steps towards some independence and actively making some differences in the dreams, rather than running away/being scared/feeling terror. 

I haven't been doing any bilateral stimulation for the past fortnight - I had been doing it daily before that - listening to the binaural beats music - but for some reason I felt like it had integrated something for me, and I just didn't need to do it in the past couple of weeks!  I think that's amazing really. 

I've also noticed that I've been getting some flashbacks of memories relating to my teenage years and early 20's - just now and then, but they feel as if they're correctly placed in time and place - which is interesting as before I wasn't able to pinpoint such things - it felt so much more fragmented - it's like it's beginning to link together and make some grounded sense.  I don't think I can convey this appropriately in words, but just writing this will remind me of what I'm thinking of.

I've started reading the book about Shame called 'Unshaming' - but I've noticed that I can't read much of it in one go - I need to pace it in very short chunks - which is ok - I suspect I am then able to process it more.  But I also recognise that there's something 'stopping' me from reading it for long.  I am respectful of that - I'll try to pace it at the level it seems to want to be.

Hi SenseOrgan,
I just saw your reply - thank you!  :cheer: I love that you've got some good vibes from my posts  ;D

I hope the Unshaming book arrives soon for you.  I am so glad to have bought it - very grateful for your mentioning it. 

hope, somehow i like the idea that you're becoming more active in your dreams.  i remember something similar, when i was able to say 'no!' to someone in my dreams.  it felt like a big turning point, and i think it might have been.  maybe some of those neural connections came together more appropriately, giving me access to an active voice for a change.

i hope this keeps up for you.  love your progress.  love and hugs :hug:

 :hug:

Quote from: Hope67 on January 27, 2026, 03:09:13 PM... they're correctly placed in time and place - which is interesting as before I wasn't able to pinpoint such things - it felt so much more fragmented - it's like it's beginning to link together and make some grounded sense.  I don't think I can convey this appropriately in words, but just writing this will remind me of what I'm thinking of.

I think this makes a lot of sense. I have been listening to, reading and thinking a lot about the "structured dissociation/fragmentation" topic lately (I initially saw it in Janina Fisher's book, but the theory is originally from Van der Hart around 2006). This theory makes so much sense to me, e.g. the profound disconnect of my "Apparently Normal Part" (ANP) that was high-functioning in the world, but was cut off from the "Emotional Part" (EP) that carries decades of unprocessed fear, shame, and grief. (using ANP/EP in structural dissociation terms - not DID or classic IFS)

In infancy, the brain is not yet an integrated, self-regulating system. It is experience-dependent and organized through repeated interactions with caregivers. In a neglectful, abusive and/or inconsistent caregiving environment, fragmentation is a developmentally appropriate survival adaptation to conditions the brain cannot escape.

This is how I'm currently making sense of it for myself:
1. The infant brain is built from the outside in
At birth and during the first years of life:
- The right hemisphere (emotion, bodily state, attachment) dominates
  (see also Prof. Schore's video that Chart posted about "attachment theory" turned "regulation theory").
- The limbic system is immature
- The prefrontal cortex (integration, inhibition, meaning) is undeveloped
- Regulation depends almost entirely on co-regulation by caregivers

An infant cannot:
- Self-soothe
- Mentally contextualize/reframe threat
- Escape danger
=> So the brain adapts structurally to what is repeatedly happening.

2. Neglect, abuse and inconsistent caregiving create incompatible states the brain cannot integrate
In a safe environment, the infant repeatedly experiences:
distress → caregiver response → relief → return to baseline
=> This builds integration.

In neglect, abuse or inconsistent caregiving, the infant instead experiences unsolvable contradictions, such as:
- Need for proximity and fear of the caregiver
- Intense distress without relief
- Pain or terror without explanation or containment
- A nervous system pushed beyond capacity with no repair.
=> These states are extremely difficult to integrate in an immature brain. Integration would overwhelm the system and risk overwhelming the system (in evolutionary terms that would mean low survival chances)

3. Fragmentation is the brain's solution to an unsolvable problem
Because the infant cannot leave, fight, or cognitively understand, the brain uses the only remaining option = State-based compartmentalization:
This means that different neural networks specialize for different survival demands and are kept separate to prevent overload.
=> This produces early forms of what later look like "parts."

4. EP and ANP emerge as functional adaptations
EP (Emotional Part) Encodes:
- Terror
- Pain
- Rage
- Panic
- Attachment distress

It is dominated by:
- Right hemisphere
- Brainstem
- Amygdala
- Oriented toward immediate survival
- Timeless, sensory, nonverbal

ANP (Apparently Normal Part) Develops to:
- Maintain attachment
- Preserve functioning
- Avoid triggering threat responses
- Suppresses or walls off overwhelming affect
- Becomes task-oriented, compliant, vigilant
- Oriented toward continuing life despite threat
=> This is not a conscious split. It is neurodevelopmental specialization under stress.

5. Why fragmentation increases survival odds?
If the brain remained integrated under adverse conditions it would result in:
- Continuous terror would dysregulate physiology
- Cortisol toxicity would impair development
- The infant could fail to thrive or die.

Instead fragmentation allows:
- Emotional pain to be contained
- Daily functioning to continue
- Attachment to be preserved (even if unsafe)
- Allow the organism to grow to the next stage.
=> In evolutionary terms: the infant brain chooses fragmented survival over integration, because Integration risks collapse or severe dysregulation (= low survival chances). The brain fragmented because it was brilliant. It learned how to survive when no one helped it regulate.

6. Fragmentation is adaptive early - and costly later
What saved the infant becomes costly in adulthood because:
- The brain matures but the compartments remain
- to me that explains why I didn't know, why I had "amnesia" about my childhood trauma
   for 56 years. Instead I blamed myself - asking "what's wrong with me",  instead of "what happened to me"  :'(  )
- EPs still fire as if danger is present
- ANP maintains control through suppression
- Integration feels unsafe because it once was!
=> The system is not broken. It is frozen at an earlier solution.

7. Healing is not "removing parts" but restoring integration safely
This is incomplete, as I am still trying to understand this part, but what seems to be helping me so far involves:
- Building external regulation first with my T, by opening up to two friends that can be trusted
- Creating safety before integration
- Allowing EP material to be experienced - ideally without overwhelming the system, but that has not worked all the time
- Updating the nervous system that survival no longer requires separation of ANP (left) and EP (right hemisphere - loosely speaking).

So to me, your feeling of "it's beginning to link together" make a ton of "grounded sense"  :applause:
Thanks for letting me think this through out loud ... :hug:
(As Chart says, I too understand if you prefer me to move this long post elsewhere)

That was frickin' cool. Thank you TheBigBlue. I "knew" all that, but one, I can't learn through memorization, and two it was brilliantly organized and procedural which (for me) is intensely helpful (allowing me to learn through integration).

Hope, can we play around in your sandbox for a minute? :-) I want to add stuff, but if this is not the place, don't hesitate to tell me and I'll remove it and put it elsewhere.

I want to pick up where TheBigBlue left off...

Quote from: TheBigBlue on January 27, 2026, 06:05:17 PM7. Healing is not "removing parts" but restoring integration safely
This is incomplete, as I am still trying to understand this part, but what seems to be helping me so far involves:
- Building external regulation first with my T, by opening up to two friends that can be trusted
- Creating safety before integration
- Allowing EP material to be experienced - ideally without overwhelming the system, but that has not worked all the time
- Updating the nervous system that survival no longer requires separation of ANP (left) and EP (right hemisphere - loosely speaking).

EP material is difficult to integrate because it contains contextual parameters outside the capacity of the Right brain. Because of the separation of the two hemisphere's, the Left brain which is analytical can say, "That was a lot of shouting... too much shouting!" But since that information of quantity is cut from the Right brain, (or because the Left brain has not come online yet (3-4 yrs of age)) then the "relativity" to "quantity" is absent. So the EP just has an emotional reaction without any context. A "lot", or "a little", is nearly the same... Or another way of putting it, "It's all too much". And so Flashbacks later in life, with the adult, function totally in a reactionary manner, and not at all in a contextually appropriate one. That's why I still "feel" the same way every morning. The EP has not been able to associate the total absence of danger since over fifty years. Time doesn't matter to the EP.

So in order to process EP material, it has to be taken in appropriate doses so as not to overwhelm. And determining that dosage level, and I know for a fact that it can be very easily ZERO, is hard to engage without triggering the same response. Hard to stimulate a stress response in order to "practice" when anything ABOVE zero sends me into a total shutdown.

But there are ways, as we all know.

Body relaxation. Really working this and "priming" the totally relaxed system by really calming the body, then moving gently into the trauma territory.

Forcing parasympathetic system functioning... PMR, cold showers, petting the cat, etc. There's tons of tricks to activate the parasympathetic.

Emdr, which "widens" the communication between the right and left hemisphere's. I'm certain from the work I've done, that this is allowing my EP to access the technical details that it normally doesn't pay any attention to. Emdr (in all its forms, tapping, binaural, brain spotting, etc) helps the two hemisphere's coordinate. And together they make beautiful music... and allow bilateral integration to begin/continue. And for me, VERY often, this is where "release" (which many call grieving) occurs, when those two halves figure something out. Tears, loads of them... The EP infant gets to cry like the baby he is, and the ANP get's to sigh as he has finally gotten the critical missing information through to the child. And together they can be as one. The Love explodes between the two and understanding blooms... and the crap that terrified me yesterday is incredibly easier to deal with in the life that still awaits me... Something at the "root" level has worked it out.

My goodness that was pleasurable for me. Thank you TheBigBlue, that was so helpful. And thank you Hope for letting us play in the middle of your living room. :-) (And seriously, if you want me to move my post I will totally understand.)

Lots of hugs to everyone.
:grouphug:

Hi SanMagic,
Thank you so much for what you said  :hug:

Hi Chart, Thanks for the hug you gave me  :hug:

Hi TheBigBlue, Wow, huge thanks for sharing all that very helpful information - it feels so validating and valid in its entirety - so clearly written and I will definitely be coming back regularly to re-read it.  It feels like an exciting 'gift' that you shared it with me - thank you very much!!!   :hug:

Hi again Chart, Thank you for adding to what TheBigBlue said, because that is also incredibly helpful, and feels like another exciting 'gift' - thank you so much! 

No need for either of you to move your posts - I very much want you to keep them there, as I will find them invaluable to look back on and process further.  Thank you so much  :grouphug:

**********
28th January 2026
I feel excited by the information shared so generously - it honestly feels invaluable, because it's from people I know are experiencing these things and forging a way forward to work towards integration and it feels very positive and I feel ever more hopeful.

I am grateful to you for sharing it.  Thank you  :hug:  :hug:  :hug:

Thank you Hope, for your kind hosting of this exchange. Me too I was highly stimulated by what TheBigBlue outlined. And it energized me too. PapaCoco often speaks to the power of our exchanges. It is really astounding and helps immensely. Things are making more and more sense. It's like we're constructing our general model of healing relativity. Each person encounters specific elements and has individual circumstances, but a general concept is taking form which seems to be making real sense. I've learned absolutely the greatest insights and understanding from the info related and shared by people on this forum. It's such a complicated issue, but so many highly sensitive, intensely experienced, and profoundly understanding people are pooling together... it's incredibly hopeful. We're all looking for hope... and here you are! Thankyou again.
Gros bisou !

:bighug:    :grouphug:

wow!  just wow!  thank you, hope, for allowing this to remain here - it was so much information that i needed and didn't even know i needed.  so, thanks to TBB and to chart for sharing what you've learned.  i so appreciate it.  it made the whole 'parts' thing a bit more palatable for me.

hope, i agree w/ you about feeling hopeful - that same feeling washed over me, but kind of flew past pretty quickly.  however, reading that you wrote about it brought it more strongly back to me and i'm able to grasp it and hang onto it now, so thank you very much for that.  hope.  a word/feeling i don't believe i've ever entertained before in any real sense.  but i now have a glimmer of it and i can see it.  thank you again for writing that, hope.  it made all the difference.  love and hugs :hug:

I find it fascinating to see how and where journals flow.

I also find it fascinating just how much synchronicity there is. I am re-reading a book called "Mother Hunger" and the start deals very much with how infant brains develop.

Hope - I note you are having difficulty reading your new book for any length of time. I find that a lot, too. Even when I find the book really helpful, if it is to do with my psychological interests I often find myself actively trying to stop. My body just makes me get really tired and sleepy. It can be quite frustrating, especially when I know I am not actually tired or sleepy at all. If it is an audio book (I don't much like those but I have a few) I just zone out.

Hi Chart, Yes, I also felt energized and stimulated by all the information and discussion - thanks again  :hug:

Hi TheBigBlue - Such a lovely big hug, thank you  :hug:  :grouphug:

Hi SanMagic - Love and hugs to you too - and I am so glad that you've also enjoyed the discussions that have occurred here - I also felt like 'wow' - so much information and so well phrased - so meaningful.  I will be re-reading it - for sure!   :hug: to you, SanMagic.

Hi NarcKiddo - Thanks for sharing that you also find it difficult to read some content as well - I think it's the parts of ourselves that aren't necessarily on board with it - or maybe just taking longer to decide what they make of it.  That's how I tend to think about it.  Wow, I've just looked up the book 'Mother Hunger' - by Kelly McDaniel (a trauma therapist) - it looks like a really interesting book.  Maybe I will need to take a look for it - but I have several books still to read currently, so I need to pace myself! But that one does look very useful.  You siad you're re-reading it - are you finding it easier to read the second time, or still taking longer.    I've had an experience once where I literally 'forgot' that I had read a particular book before, and kept getting 'deja vu' feelings whilst reading it - to then discover that I had read it before - but most likely I was perhaps dissociated whilst reading it the last time...  The same with another book that I had underlined things in - not realising that I'd actually read it through in its entirety on a previous occasion.  However, I think that's not happening so much currently - as I feel like I know when I've done things, and when I haven't.  Sending you a hug NarcKiddo  :hug:

**********
29th January 2026
I've just thought about what NarcKiddo said about an audio book and zoning out - this makes me think that I've not tried listening to an audio book - and I wonder what that might be like to listen to a book that is about trauma.  I usually read things from paper books.  I'm now wondering if it would be a nice thing to listen to an audio version of such a book or not.  Wow, that's a strange thought - infact there's a large part of me that feels some anxiety about that thought.  I wonder why that is.

I asked my AI to summarise the idea of the 'Mother Hunger' book, and it said this:

🌿 Mother Hunger in a single line
It's the lifelong ache that comes from not getting enough nurturance, protection, or guidance from your mother, and healing means learning to give those things to yourself now.

NarcKiddo, if you happen to read that, do you think it's a good summary?  I've just put it there, as I liked what was written, and think I will definitely consider nurturance, protection and guidance to my inner parts/selves.

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What I've noticed so far about 2026 is that I feel more positive and optimistic about it.  This is a good feeling to be starting the year with.  I am grateful for feeling that way. 

hope, i'm so glad for you that this year you are feeling more pos. really am.  i think that's the best.  love and hugs :hug:

I read Mother Hunger quite a long time ago for the first time. I did tell my T but it was a couple of years ago. She had not read it then and has not read it now but has clients who have referred it back to her as being helpful, so she recommended it to me. We were specifically discussing how to mother oneself. I reminded her I had read it and remembered it as being helpful so I am re-reading.

I have not got very far yet, but I am finding that I do remember quite a bit. At the moment it is about attachment theory, though, and I have read other things about that since.

The AI summary seems fair. The author is good at pointing out the various bits of advice that have been given to new mothers over the years. When I was little there was quite a fashion for letting babies self-soothe and cry alone so I cannot blame my M for thinking this one up, though I think the approach appealed to her more than it might have done to others. The author is particular that her book is not about not laying blame on mothers because people can have Mother Hunger even with a mother who loved them and did her best. But she may have followed unhelpful advice, or fallen ill, or whatever. Any degree of blame a reader might want to lay on their mother is left entirely up to them.

I don't think I am finding it easier to read the second time around, but it is different. The first time the whole notion of having damaging mothering from infancy on was quite new, and I devoured the information about attachment theory and so on. I think I struggled more with the ideas on how to mother oneself because I have such a negative view of what a mother is that I have resistance to performing that role for myself. I am coming round to the possible need for it, and finding a way of doing it without relating it too closely to my own mother. I'll have to see how I feel about those bits when I get there. I am also much more alive to my body's signals now and notice resistance. Before I might just have thought I was tired or whatever without noticing that I was always tired when reading that particular book.

I actually listen to my Gabor Mate audiobooks to go to sleep, sometimes. They are narrated by his son who has a nice voice to listen to. I thought listening to a trauma book might give me bad dreams but that has not happened. I am not prone to them, though, so you might want to beware of doing that yourself. You can listen to clips of audiobooks before buying and it is worth doing that. It would be grim if I bought a book and the narrator sounded like my mother!  :aaauuugh:

Hugs right back to you.  :hug:

Hi SanMagic, Thank you so much  :hug:  :hug:

Hi NarcKiddo, Thanks for sharing your thoughts about the Mother Hunger book and your experiences of reading it a couple of times.  It does sound like a very interesting and helpful book.  I'll definitely consider it, when my pile of books to read is smaller!  I think I'll sample a few audiobook clips to see what it's like to hear them - good idea!  Like you say, it wouldn't be good to get a voice that was in anyway triggering.  Hugs to you  :hug:

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31st January 2026
So I am going to have a 'digital break' for the whole month of February, which means I won't be here till March!  I feel positive about this break, I think it will be good for me.  I'll look forward to re-connecting with everyone here when I'm back in March. 

 :grouphug:

enjoy!  love and hugs

Hope, I hope you enjoy your digital vacation.

Thank you both for talking about Mother Hunger. As NK mentioned, it's funny how the synchronicity seems to happen. I had been looking for books to help with reparenting, and wasn't sure where to start. So, that might be a good place.

Sending you support,
dolly

Hi SanMagic, Thank you  :hug:  I did enjoy it. 

Hi Dollyvee,
Thank you so much  :hug: I did enjoy my digital vacation, it was good for me. 

I also hope to get hold of the Mother Hunger book at some point, once I've read the other books I am meaning to read.  I appreciate your support.  Thank you.

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4th March 2026
Glad to be back, and also happy that there is some sunshine around at the moment.  I hope it lasts a while. 

i hope so, too, hope, that the sunshine lasts awhile in as many forms as possible.  love and hugs :hug: