Every time I post on the Forum, I feel fear. I write from my heart. I write from my soul. But every single expression I make/do/express, I fear. I fear I'm going too far. I fear what others will think. I fear I am a "bad person" and my rejection will swiftly follow.
For this reason I almost always return and reread my post. I've learned to absolutely NOT TRUST my fear.
Rereading what I've written, usually a day later, I have a clearer sense of what my objective truly was. I have some distance. Usually, nearly always, it's okay. I think, No no, that was nice or kind or helpful... then I think... why was I scared in the first place?
I'm scared because I suffer from Cptsd. Developmental trauma has shaped my life like a sculptor starting fresh with cold hard stone. What was hammered into me as a baby was chaos, fear and utter confusion.
And I remember nothing. My mother left the hurricane when I was four-years-old. Like a tsunami that carried me deeply inland, I awoke one day and realized: the man who never loved me has now truly disappeared... I don't think my mother "explained" anything. What can you explain? Can Cptsd be "explained"? I think not. Only those who have directly experienced it can fully know the eternal chaos of obsessive mental torture that follows us around like a decaying corpse...
sorry, that's the wrong path...
This journal, I want it to be about what I've come to understand. Its been two years since I collapsed mentally. I've made good progress... solid progress. I've shaken off the corpse and that stink only wafts my way four days out of the week. At this very moment I've only sensed the Depression very briefly, once today. Today is an exceptional day. Tomorrow it could all revert again. If I've learned one thing, it's that it's not over. Just feeling better a couple hours, a day or two, well, "it" comes back. Cptsd is chewing gum on the sidewalk... and I stepped right in it.
"The tipping point" is now my objective. I want to feel okay 51% of my time here on this earth. I also want to vanquish this thing. I want to fight. I'm tired of being shamed and doubting and folding and feeling like a crumpled-up piece of trash not even in a waste bin... just lying there on a curb or in a gutter...
I want to get to a point where MORE than half of my life is "relatively" free of the razor-depression-pain of horror.
I hate this thing... and I'm wondering if hate is truly helpful.
Anyway, there's doubt... I know that feeling too. It goes on the shelf like all the other "crap".
First journal entry, new journal. Much I want to say. Didn't even scratch the surface.
It's sunny out today.
Sending love and hugs to you all.
Chart
Yay for it being sunny out. :sunny: And for a good idea for a new journal. I think the tipping point objective makes a lot of sense.
Welcome back! 2.0. Onward to unapologetic :cheer:
dear chart, i just want you to know that to this day, and i've been part of this forum for at least 10 yrs., i still doubt my posts, especially to others, that i've gone over the line, i'm being intrusive rather than supportive, giving 'advice' or 'therapy' when i'm not supposed to - yep, still working on knowing i'm writing from the heart and only want the best for anyone and everyone here.
i know i've made mistakes, and have had mistakes made against me, but there have only been less than a handful of people who truly have gone too far, and they were dealt with appropriately by kizzie. you have not even been close. your support and kindness and caring have shone thru clearly, and i've welcomed every word from you. if there's been a misunderstanding in communication, we clear it up. you have been a wonderful member of this forum to my mind.
good for you for having that 51% goal. it sounds good. great, actually. i'm in your corner all the way. you're valuable to me. love and hugs :hug:
Chart, thank you for writing this so honestly. Seeing someone I admire - someone who often seems much more put together than I feel - name the fear, doubt, and ongoing work behind it all really matters. It reminds me that progress doesn't mean being untouched by CPTSD; it means staying present and living anyway.
Your 51% goal feels real, humane, and possible. I'm glad you shared this, and I'm really glad you're here. 🌤
:hug: