Well, here I am doing exactly what triggers me deeply— being vulnerable and exposing the soft belly of my self... I thought I could never post a recovery journal, that it would be too dangerously serving myself up to be eaten alive... and here I am.
Logically, I know that I am writing here because it is a safe place on this forum and that I have experienced connection and kinship with others here.
Emotionally, I crave to connect authentically and I am terrified to connect authentically.
What an intense, churning mix of feelings.
The more I have inched my way out in the social world as authentic me (a relatively recent phenomenon) the more I anticipate facing the old terrors, the boogey man, the rhino in James and the Giant Peach... But, I find there's no epic threat, no terrifying villain, no do-or-die existential danger... and this is very confusing.
Sitting with this confusion shows me that the old dangers were real, that the old equations of authenticity=death were lies, and that I can maybe-kinda-sortof BE in the present.
That's more of an intellectual understanding.
Right now, my heart is pounding, a headache is throbbing— I see you, old warnings of danger. Thank you for being of service and helping alert me during times of survival in the past.
I release you from service now. This newness is not dangerous.
And even as I wonder "what have I done?" by writing this, I shall tap on "post" and, after clinging to the shore for so long, I leap into the wild, vast current of being human me.
Your post touched me so deeply. The way you described that mix of longing and terror - wanting connection but bracing for danger - is exactly where I keep finding myself too. I actually tried starting a recovery journal last week, and I spiraled so hard afterward that I ended up deleting everything yesterday.
:fallingbricks:
Reading your words: the courage, the clarity, the way you honor both the fear and the part of you that wants to be seen, gives me hope that I might try again someday. The fact that you tapped "post," even with your heart pounding and old danger signals firing, is incredibly inspiring.
You made this space feel a little safer for the rest of us who are inching our way toward authenticity too. Thank you for sharing something so raw and brave. It matters. And it helped me more than you might realize.
:hug:
Yes, Marcine, very authentic and real and brave you are.
It made me think of something I read recently, that Janina Fisher wrote: "Why do therapists keep asking me to sit with my feelings? They don't understand. I don't have feelings, I have tsunamis!"
I can totally relate, wanting to be validated and being scared of reaching out at the same time. Here is a safe place to reach out, in my experience. I hope it will help you too.
:hug:
Thanks TheBigBlue and Desert Flower for your support.
I've been exploring what it means to be authentically myself. And finding there's a lot of unhelpful habits that operate in my day to day, way more than I consciously realized...
For instance, I'm aware that I cultivate a competent, chill demeanor, but I didn't realize the depth of perfectionism and control that underpins it. I'm not by nature a controlling person and so I can see the learned aspect of tightly clutching to known security like a castaway to a life ring.
But awareness alone doesn't free me from the tyrannical cycle of: fears-clutching-desperate search for security-self contortion.
This week on my quest to be more authentic, I've made some mistakes and I've felt vulnerable because of it and I've realized the grief of how foreign this all seems, this business of being a human being... and again I wonder what I am doing.
But there's no going back, there never is for me, once awareness dawns and I refuse to pretend.
At heart, I am a bad pretender. I am a not-good faker. I am unskilled at telling lies... oh, except for the lies I was force-fed and have told myself all my life. Those I got very good at telling to convince myself. But I also always oriented to truth.
So, what a quandary. Now no longer willing to lie to myself AND not yet ready to fully emerge as my genuine self.
I wish it felt more like a hermit crab that is vulnerable for a time as it grows and must move to a new, better-suited shell home.
Right now I feel like a turtle whose protective shell is fused to its very body existence and cannot survive without it.
Indeed Marcine, it seems you've chosen the red pill. This is what courage means. No matter how unstable and unbalanced this feels, know, truly know, you are incredibly brave and pushing forward. Jung talks much about this, discovering the authentic self. I firmly believe this is the right path.
Sending support, Chart
Thank you, Chart. I also do believe this is the right path— the one towards truth and light and compassion. Even when it's such strange, unfamiliar terrain that it seems to be the wrong way.
Last night I had a significant migraine and flashback. Today I am steeped in anger and depression. Anger at having had to give up big chunks of myself to survive. Depressed that self-esteem was collateral damage. And, well, that my self was damaged.
I'm realizing I exist in flashback state a lot of the time, more than I knew. This knowledge is helpful and infuriating and depressing.
I imagine my therapist would say that these realizations are a sign of my healing. To which, today, I would reply with a choice expletive.
Quote from: Marcine on December 08, 2025, 11:36:10 PMI imagine my therapist would say that these realizations are a sign of my healing. To which, today, I would reply with a choice expletive.
:thumbup:
Marcine, so sorry about the migraines, ef and all its consequences. Becoming conscious of pain is extremely unpleasant. I think that's why we often feel like we're regressing and simply not making progress. As the layers of the onion peel back, there's easily a painful realization that accompanies. Pain is often overwhelming, but it is also a sign of consciousness, awareness. I'm still trying to figure out the relationship between the conscious and unconscious mind (do they actually communicate, exchange, recognize... or do they hate each other's guts?). There has to be "some kind" of interaction there... Anyway, my point is that suffering or even increased pain is not necessarily a sign that we are NOT healing. I'm hedging my bets and hoping (praying?) that my irritated bowel syndrome is a sign of healing... that my morning anxiety is a sign of healing... that my brain fog and complete absence of energy is a sign of healing...
And if all this healing doesn't kill me, I should be right as rain soon! :-)
Sending support and hugs.
:hug:
Well done for being brave enough to start a journal and keep posting in spite of your fears.
I'm sorry you're struggling right now with migraine and EF. I think this time of year is tough for many of us, but of course we have no control over when the dreaded EF strikes. I've also started noticing that a long EF can rise and fall a bit. So just when I think it might have gone because I feel great one morning I realise it is actually lurking under the surface and it takes very little to ramp it up again. Your comment about what your therapist would say to you resonates with me, because I am sure my increased awareness is also a sign of healing. Doesn't make it easier to weather, though.
You are very welcome here Marcine! And we're here right next to you, in the same boat, cheering you on. In the modest time that I've been interacting here, I've found this to be an almost ideal place to relate to others authentically without so much terror involved. It's a work in progress, I think for many of us. Interacting here does/can bring up old fears and coping mechanisms. It does for me too. But it's okay. It's safe here. Safe enough. There are a lot of gradients in the level you decide to challenge yourself here. There's a lot of room here to play around with disclosing what and when, for instance, which can help to ease your way into this journaling thing.
There's a lot of dedication to your authenticity shining through your posts. I like it a lot, and I appreciate the rawness of your sharing. Our sport is a pretty complex and messy mix of grieving who we had to become, couldn't be, and "sinking into who we are" later in life. In connection with others. I'm grateful for you to be on this team.
Much love
Chart, NK and SO,
thank you for your compassionate and intelligent responses... I could delve into deep conversation on each reply. But since this is a journal, suffice to say that I am touched by the support you offer, I receive it gratefully with immense respect for the hard-earned insights you share generously.
On my quest for authentic self-expression, I looked today at the opposite— imposter syndrome (feeling like an incompetent fraud when others see a very capable individual) and found the work of Valerie Young.
She writes that everyone has unconscious rules about what it means to be competent. People who feel like imposters hold themselves to impossible standards of competency, which inevitably leads to falling short, evoking shame and self-doubt.
I decided to write a list for myself in response to: if I was a truly competent mother and human I should be able to always—-
... a list of 40 items streamed out onto the paper. From "I should be able to control all aspects of myself and conditions around me", "fix everything to be unbroken", "only say the right thing", "keep boundaries and make everyone happy", "spend no money", "fit in properly and be accepted by society", "know all", "have endless patience", "assure financial stability eternally", "prevent my kids from suffering", "never be a hassle", and "if I was a truly competent human, my parents would have loved me."
Every single one of the 40 items is so absurdly impossible and inhumanly unrealistic. And they have been operating in my subconscious as the benchmark for success in life... as definitions of being a competent human being!
I felt a joy and a relief in shining a light into this shadowy area of myself. I cherish the moments when I see one of my own blind spots. It is exhilarating and I feel freedom.
Now, I turn toward the task, the journey of redefining the true meaning of competency for myself.
A personal definition of success on my terms.
I see a path out of shame, inadequacy, self-blame and exhaustion from fighting the massive burden of carrying these unconscious sabotaging lies for so long.
I live for adventure and the journey towards truth.
Well, the task of defining success on my own terms is harder than I initially imagined, and I had already figured it would be tough...
I'm not giving up... even though it sure seems like I was safer making myself as tiny and as frozen as possible where I was plunked in the minefield.
Now I'm choosing to actually get out of the minefield, which means moving and risking and admitting out loud that I want to get out of the dangerous unexploded ordnance zone... that I never deserved to be there to begin with... and that even in the face of danger I want freedom...
Step by step, breath by breath, there's a safe path through here somewhere. I can find it. I can. Yes? Yes.
:hug:
:hug:
(If that's ok)
The headache comes again and this time I take it as a call to slow and stop.
I breathe a few deep sighs. Doesn't make the pain go away. But it will get worse if I keep tense and running.
Uncurling, unflinching, not-fleeing...
Terrifyingly vulnerable, exposed, out in the open, been spotted, deep urge to bolt. Feels like life or death.
Heart beat pulsing, throbbing.
I am not a small rabbit or any kind of prey... anymore.
There are no hawks or predators watching me... anymore.
But lately I have been more exposed as I engage more with the world. And it doesn't feel great.
Recently I was a substitute teacher at a local school that had installed an AI security system that scans every car license plate/make/model/color upon entry and exit from the campus doing a back ground check on the owner, also scanning all faces on the campus (adults and children), is linked to an extensive network of cameras monitoring staff and student movements, and public schools are exempt here from requirements to disclose publicly that biometric data is being collected.(!)
I learned all this the day I was on campus from a fellow teacher.
The feelings of being monitored and the secretive data collecting in the name of "protecting the students from predators" is all extremely disturbing to me.
This is not a big city school with history of campus violence. It is a small school in a relatively safe, quiet corner of the world.
Yesterday I was out at a kid event at the library with my son, his friend, and his mom. Then went to a local sports game.
It was a lot for me in this state of feeling exposed. I don't really enjoy being around crowds and loud noises.
Ok, wait, let me rephrase more accurately—
I abhor being in crowds.
I am deeply unwilling to "play along to get along".
The fact that I used to contort myself to fit social situations... well, I don't have to continue to do that.
It's true— I am becoming a morally-upstanding social menace.
And I don't mind it one bit.
Huh and what do ya know, the headache has subsided just a tad now.
Well then.
What a trigger fest! It's disturbing on so many levels. Not limited to C-PTSD. AI has become a religion, in which some have put all their faith. Kafka and Orwell are spinning in their graves. I appreciate you're siding on the side of your own sovereignty, perhaps even spurred on by this madness. I often "forget" about this option in the face of such big powers and overwhelm. Even only inwardly. Thanks for the inspiration. :cheer:
i love the phrase 'morally upstanding social menace' - it resonates in my soul. be who you are, say what needs to be said, walk in your own love - i love those ideas, and your phrase actuated them from somewhere inside. thanks for writing this, marcine, and glad you're here. you've taken some huge first steps. sending love and hugs (if that's ok) :hug:
Hi Marcine, I think it's great you're starting to see you don't have to go along with what is 'socially acceptable' or trying to fit in no matter what, if it doesn't feel great (to put it mildly). I'm trying to learn this myself, having a hard time at it. It's like what Pete Walker wrote: learning to feel that 'dissaproval is okay with me', that is, we don't need the approval of people who are not good for us. Keep it up! Cheering for you.
SO, yes to sovereignty. And I apologize that the post was triggering, I did not think to include a warning. Noted for next time... :spaceship: The societal madness you alude to is pervasive.
San, yeah that phrase sprang into mind one morning as I was in between sleep and awake state. I get the darndest ideas cropping up around 5am.
"be who you are, say what needs to be said, walk in your own love"— that inspires me too! Thank you!
Yes, Desert Flower, thank you for reminding me of that section of Walker's book. Spot on.
I appreciate your support, friends :grouphug:
No need to apologize Marcine! For me it's really perfectly OK to write what you did without a TW. Even more so because this is your journal. :grouphug:
It is easy for me to discount my own successes.
To bypass them completely.
Fight the good fight, gain some ground and immediately onto the next righteous battle.
I am a strong warrior.
And I am a weak celebrator of progress made.
I was trained that way. The cult I was born into only rewarded sacrifice of self. Never being enough.
I won't label it a "family".
I call it what it was— a cult that demanded complete annihilation of autonomy in exchange for survival.
"No one out there understands you like we do. If you leave, you'll be coming back on your knees begging. We love you."
I hid my true self in a bunker I made. I had to.
They didn't know me (I didn't know me), how could that be love?
Oh...the contract terms of the cult were:
love was compliance. Love was disdain. Love was bowing down and subjecting myself. Love was denying my truth. Love was never outshining them. Love was appearing small and weak. Love was being dependent on abusers.
Honesty was punished. Questioning was taboo. Rewarded: performing their script convincingly to the outside world.
And they did not stop me. I got free. With wounds and scars. Many scars. I'm not dead yet. More alive than ever.
Now I can pause my battling. I can take stock of the ground gained. And mark the milestones reached. And grieve that constant fight for survival.
Infinitely grateful to be here alive.
Hi Marcine,
I relate so much to things you wrote, and naming the 'family' as 'cult' - wow, I relate to that very much - that is something I have considered as well.
I am so glad that you've 'got free' and also that you're 'more alive than ever' - I am cheering you, if that is ok :cheer:
Also sending you a hug of support :hug:
Very good for you you got away Marcine. And saved yourself. Bravo!
Quote from: Marcine on December 24, 2025, 02:16:29 PMlove was compliance. Love was disdain. Love was bowing down and subjecting myself. Love was denying my truth. Love was never outshining them. Love was appearing small and weak. Love was being dependent on abusers.
And none of this was love, you knew that already but I just wanted to say it again.
Wishing you all the true and real LOVE in the world.
:bighug:
Few words come up, but tears do. It resonates. This comes from a deep place. Without knowing the details of your journey, I deeply respect, honor and appreciate you being here. :yahoo:
yeah, marcine, what a messed up idea of love we got. i can also add love was staying, absorbing, enduring all the crapola that was sent my way until i broke in new and different ways. i hear you. it's been so messed up. as DF said, none of that was love. and thank the stars we are learning differently, acting and saying differently, or at least beginning to do so. we'll get there. infinitely grateful you're here, too. love and hugs
Love and hugs right back to you, friends :grouphug:
Hey Marcine, your story makes me think... mine was reciprocal love... "I'll do x for you but then you'll do y for me..." Every "service" had a price. 57 years later I finally identified much of the same functioning within myself and the relationships I'd established around me... the recognition was hard. This realization of a programing-pattern moved me rapidly to pure nausea. I woke up to a toxic tradition I carried with a scream. And I'm deeply proud to say I stopped doing it in the instant it was identified (or almost).
Marcine, I think we are all incredibly strong-willed. Just give us the freedom to "see" and we engage. Change is good, a darn nice habit to encourage.
:hug:
What you wrote feels very honest about the cost of getting free, not just the triumph. I appreciate that a lot.
I especially resonated with how survival required so much self-erasure, and how exhausting that fight was. Seeing you name the scars and the ground gained helps me hold both as real.
I'm not as far along yet, but reading this still mattered. I'm glad you shared it, and I'm glad you're here - scars and all.
:hug:
Self-esteem seems elusive to me.
Defined as: confidence in one's own worth or abilities; self-respect.
Yeah, nope... I've no idea what that really means.
I used to have a crafted, well-oiled mask of effectiveness, efficiency, niceness, self-sacrifice, soldiering on.
That mask does not fit me any longer. I won't squeeze myself into it.
This tender, squirming larva is exposed, sans armor.
Affirmations seem ridiculous right now.
Reminding myself of how far I've come doesn't hit home.
The fact that others believe in me, depend on me, are proud of me is no panacea.
Intellectual understanding rings hollow.
I seek a direct experience of my goodness. Of my inherent worth.
Some way to fill the howling void in the very center of me, that I've run away from since forever.
I squirm.
Hooray for not squeezing yourself into a mask, Marcine! :cheer: Confidence, or "faith with oneself," and self-respect, can't be found when we have to play a role.
I can feel the courage in your words. No platitudes will do.
Reading your words, I see goodness, honesty, power, and vulnerability, which is its own kind of power, the power of the raw truth. And insistence on nothing less.
May that direct experience of your own inherent worth be yours.
To me, it seems you are honoring your actual experience in this moment. You are siding with you. This is the practice of validating your worthiness, which you were born with. Unworthiness is a coat we had to wear to protect us. It never did fit us. No other coat will itself make us worthy either. The person wearing it always was, already.
That insight can be very painful, if it felt like a howling void to be the one underneath the coat in relation to others. The howling void ceases to be that in authentic, safe, connection.
You are making that possible by showing up the way you do. That takes courage. And it wouldn't happen without love and respect for the one underneath the coat. :cheer:
Quote from: Marcine on January 01, 2026, 11:52:14 PMIntellectual understanding rings hollow.
That resonates. But sometimes it is all we have to fall back on until the emotional understanding catches up.
I found your post very powerful and moving.
:grouphug: