My wife likes to ask people what has brought them joy lately. And most people actually have an answer! I don't understand that. I don't know if I have ever felt joy. Or, if I have, I don't remember it. At best there are moments of contentment, when active pain is still for awhile. But the emotional suffering is always waiting for me. Growing up the best I could hope for was to be left alone, but I work and have a family and can't be left alone. Which is why there is always pain. I have recently spiraled back into major depression (it comes and goes depending on how well managed my CPTSD is) just in time for the holidays.