Hello,
I felt like starting a journal and see where it all takes me. I'm still very much depressed and constantly crying from over loosing my online home as I feel unfairly treated. Not to mention people putting pressures and burden on me I don't ask for, but I want to try and get better if possible, because being like this feels miserable. Helpline people have been angels though and letting me just talk and showing care, where no one else does. The helpline person made me realize that helping others have been in ways of taking care of myself. I never looked at it that way or maybe trauma didn't let me see.
Ran, I'm really glad you wrote this. What you're feeling right now sounds incredibly heavy, and reaching out while you're hurting that much takes real strength.
The way the helpline people reflected back that your instinct to help others is also a way you've tried to care for yourself - that really resonates. So many of us with early trauma learned to survive by being the helpful one, the reliable one, the one who holds everything together. It makes sense you couldn't see that clearly before; trauma can blur the difference between caring for others and caring for ourselves.
I hope this journal becomes a gentler space for you - a place where you don't have to hold everything alone, and where you get to receive some of the care you've spent so long giving out.
You deserve that.
Quote from: TheBigBlue on November 27, 2025, 03:04:53 AMRan, I'm really glad you wrote this. What you're feeling right now sounds incredibly heavy, and reaching out while you're hurting that much takes real strength.
The way the helpline people reflected back that your instinct to help others is also a way you've tried to care for yourself - that really resonates. So many of us with early trauma learned to survive by being the helpful one, the reliable one, the one who holds everything together. It makes sense you couldn't see that clearly before; trauma can blur the difference between caring for others and caring for ourselves.
I hope this journal becomes a gentler space for you - a place where you don't have to hold everything alone, and where you get to receive some of the care you've spent so long giving out.
You deserve that.
Thank you TheBigBlue. Your words have been comforting to read. I want to participate more in the forum itself, but when down like this, then I don't think I can be very reliable with what I say, but I'll try. I'm still trying to grasp everything of how the forum is like, but I'll get it eventually.
My graphic design course offers me some distraction and fun, so that's good I think. He also asked about mental health stuff, because I've been in bad place for few years and about if it's related to sexuality and I said:it started with around the time I had my identity crisis. I was in huge distress. I was scared I'd be disowned and exiled. It was all very vague and I didn't know half back then about gender or sexuality. Those things are so hush hush, where I'm from as city I live in is very conservative. Not everyone within my family are accepting of everything, but I don't care about it anymore as I know they need me and I still need them. It's kinda being codependent on each other what isn't healthy, but for me at least right now as I'm not financially capable of getting my own place, then it's the only solution right now. My dad can be controlling and toxic and don't believe in mental health and is in denial about my sexuality, but needs me for caregiving. I don't think he himself acknowledges it all. I did burnout due to caregiving fatigue. I took academic leave from university too, because everything just got too much the load for me was tremmendous.
If you know that Disney movie Encanto, then I feel just like Luisa did, when she was singing the song called surface pressure, like all the bricks are on her/my shoulders. I feel that entire tension on me all the time, not to mention being on fight or flight 24/7 like someone in a war constantly. I have accepted myself now more or less. Previously I went around in circles. I guess trauma blurred my true feelings. I like to think of my sexuality that I just like everyone. There is no need to put myself into restriction like a label, even though for descriptive purpose I say that I am a bisexual, when at first that label gave me ton of uncomfortableness.
I don't deal with changes well. The job office person has a substitute and I got sick. They require a doctors note, if I miss a meeting time. I have gp scheduled before next meeting, but I hate being treated like I don't know a problem for society or like a kid who needs to be kept an eye on. They don't notify you of the substitute and it creates me
anxiety. My previous consultant at least knew about my limitations. Maybe I will let my gp write me a note of needed accomodations, like getting phone appointments. I will tell my gp about the depression, anxiety and cptsd stuff and about how I've been in contact with helpline too.
Hi Ran,
I'm really glad you shared all of this. You're carrying an enormous amount: caregiving, identity stress, financial limits, the pressure from home, and trying to manage your own mental health. No wonder your system feels like it's in constant fight-or-flight. That's exactly what chronic relational trauma does, and nothing about your reactions is "too much" or wrong.
Your graphic design course sounds like a real bright spot. Having something that's yours, something creative, can make a huge difference. I've found something similar myself: I started creating images (using AI) to express feelings when words or analysis felt overwhelming. Focusing on them for hours sometimes helps calm my system. I'm glad you have something like that too.
What you shared about your identity, family expectations, and the lack of acceptance was very powerful. Living in a conservative environment, trying to find yourself while also being needed as a caregiver, that would stretch anyone past their limits.
And the job office situation makes complete sense. Sudden changes, substitutes, strict rules ... those things spike anxiety fast, especially when you're already overloaded. Asking your physician for accommodations is a really reasonable step. You deserve to be treated with respect, not as if you're doing something wrong.
I hope your GP listens when you talk about the depression, anxiety, CPTSD symptoms, and the burnout from caregiving. Having one steady, consistent person in your corner made a big difference for me - for me that's my therapist - and I hope you can get that kind of support too.
You're carrying so much, and you're still reaching out and trying. That says a lot about your strength. You're not alone here. :hug:
Quote from: TheBigBlue on November 27, 2025, 03:38:40 PMHi Ran,
I'm really glad you shared all of this. You're carrying an enormous amount: caregiving, identity stress, financial limits, the pressure from home, and trying to manage your own mental health. No wonder your system feels like it's in constant fight-or-flight. That's exactly what chronic relational trauma does, and nothing about your reactions is "too much" or wrong.
Your graphic design course sounds like a real bright spot. Having something that's yours, something creative, can make a huge difference. I've found something similar myself: I started creating images (using AI) to express feelings when words or analysis felt overwhelming. Focusing on them for hours sometimes helps calm my system. I'm glad you have something like that too.
What you shared about your identity, family expectations, and the lack of acceptance was very powerful. Living in a conservative environment, trying to find yourself while also being needed as a caregiver, that would stretch anyone past their limits.
And the job office situation makes complete sense. Sudden changes, substitutes, strict rules ... those things spike anxiety fast, especially when you're already overloaded. Asking your physician for accommodations is a really reasonable step. You deserve to be treated with respect, not as if you're doing something wrong.
I hope your GP listens when you talk about the depression, anxiety, CPTSD symptoms, and the burnout from caregiving. Having one steady, consistent person in your corner made a big difference for me - for me that's my therapist - and I hope you can get that kind of support too.
You're carrying so much, and you're still reaching out and trying. That says a lot about your strength. You're not alone here. :hug:
Thank you. :grouphug: I'm holding on, somehow. I don't know how. I have always felt how different I am from other people, sometimes I thought of it as my super power, same with the fight or flight hypervigilance what I named Alar. I guess it made me feel a bit less alone in ways. When I noticed it all I had such a hard time trying to calm that hypervigilance down. I get a lot of visual aura (migraines), anxiety, night terrors, dissassociation, derealization and I coped with humor, because the figures were like scary monsters when closing my eyes (I imagined figures as humorous things, like a giant cat). After learning about hypervigilance and naming that I am in hypervigilant state and giving it a name those images have actually mostly dissapeared. Some stuff I haven't figured yet how to cope, but some things help. I've found some dbt tools do help me and inner child work.
Please take care, when reading. I mention suicide and sexual abuse. Nothing hopefully graphic, just mentioning things.
There are things I do feel sorry about and think I could have handled these situations differently, but it's really hard, if no one hears you. It's like you're being invisible the same way you've always been and there is absolutely no one who cares about your side of things. You give others everything, yet don't get the same care back. It's like you don't exist. Might as well unalive as feeling worthless enough. Just someone to be used for others benefit. No one valued me for who I was and these patterns just keep repeating.
The only time where I actually felt like someone showed concern towards me was when I ended up having to talk to a self helpline person to report being worried about someone else's suicidality.
For me the events that caused CPTSD were childhood emotional neglect, sexual abuse and violence (alcohol consumption).
They affect me more than I want to admit due to these events feeling like less than what other people go through. It's why I react very strongly to different things and these reactions are beyond something I can control. I saw nightmares all the time and dissassociated since I was 5 years old up to 30 years old, when my identity crisis started. I was also frail due to poor health, because of genetics and spent alot of time in hospital, withouth my parents present. I think I have a memory block due to this about it, but I'm not there yet, where I can unravel it.
Some things feel like an imprint you carry around all the time. It's heavy, heavier than a thousand bricks on your shoulders. It tries to push you down, but you still keep trying and hoping and holding onto the little strings that gave you back your humanity.
Your story truly belongs here, and nothing you wrote is "too small" or invisible. What you lived through: the neglect, the violence, the dissociation, the loneliness - was real, and the weight it left on you is real too. You deserve to be heard and cared about, not used or ignored. :bighug:
Quote from: TheBigBlue on November 29, 2025, 04:00:46 AMYour story truly belongs here, and nothing you wrote is "too small" or invisible. What you lived through: the neglect, the violence, the dissociation, the loneliness - was real, and the weight it left on you is real too. You deserve to be heard and cared about, not used or ignored. :bighug:
Thank you for saying that. For some reason I keep getting scared that I'll get told that this don't belong as I don't have official dignosis yet and I wouldn't be allowed to participate. :bighug:
Hey Ran, take your time with the Forum. It is many things, but always striving towards healthy interactions and positive relationships, even when things are really really hard. I totally agree with TheBigBlue. Take your time here and everywhere. You are very brave. I'm trying to get away from expecting my life to begin when I finally reach a certain level of healing. I'm trying to realize that I am living my life right now. Sometimes that's depressing because I imagine that since it's always been this way, it's also likely to not change. But I know that's false. But pain is so dominating, but things are changing.
Sending support and hugs if that's ok, Chart.
:hug:
Quote from: Chart on November 29, 2025, 01:23:55 PMHey Ran, take your time with the Forum. It is many things, but always striving towards healthy interactions and positive relationships, even when things are really really hard. I totally agree with TheBigBlue. Take your time here and everywhere. You are very brave. I'm trying to get away from expecting my life to begin when I finally reach a certain level of healing. I'm trying to realize that I am living my life right now. Sometimes that's depressing because I imagine that since it's always been this way, it's also likely to not change. But I know that's false. But pain is so dominating, but things are changing.
Sending support and hugs if that's ok, Chart.
:hug:
Thank you Chart. Hugs are always okay with me. :hug:
I'll try my best. I'm still very much in the beginning, but I want to get better as it affects my relationships and it's one thing that helps me cope with everything. If I didn't found my own support places, then it would have been much more difficult.
Ran, finding connection and understanding here on the forum was a game-changer. I believe this place has been the single most important element of the progress I've made over the last two years. I'm so very grateful. I think I understand exactly what you're also experiencing and I deeply deeply empathize.
It seems to me you are doing good honest work. I agree that this is the best path to change and ultimate healing. It's long, too long, and far far too hard. But I also believe we can do it. Having you and others around on this journey is helping beyond words.
Thank you for sharing. Sending hugs and positive thoughts!
:hug:
Quote from: Chart on November 29, 2025, 04:14:30 PMRan, finding connection and understanding here on the forum was a game-changer. I believe this place has been the single most important element of the progress I've made over the last two years. I'm so very grateful. I think I understand exactly what you're also experiencing and I deeply deeply empathize.
It seems to me you are doing good honest work. I agree that this is the best path to change and ultimate healing. It's long, too long, and far far too hard. But I also believe we can do it. Having you and others around on this journey is helping beyond words.
Thank you for sharing. Sending hugs and positive thoughts!
:hug:
I'm glad it's helping. Reading other people's experiences here is very much helping me as well. I think it's because of being able to relate to it all. It makes me feel less invisible. :hug:
Today I'm thinking that me not feeling fery well and feeling faint after walking less than a 100m and having to sit down every little bit of walking is all stress induced 100% and having a weak heart to begin with, due to getting banned from the support forum for the conflict I created, because my system was already overloaded. I was already warned by gp to avoid overextortion and my system just couldn't take it and conflict at first cave me those sharp head pain on right side and it envolved into humming sound and having to hold the wall, so I wouldn't fall, when I bowed down to reach heater to turn it off. Pain stings happen each time I try to reach something farther away. I'm putting myself on bedrest for the time being and I have my gp appointment on the 2nd. I will call an ambulance if I feel any worse, but for now I'll rest.
Just in case. I don't belittle the other support forum I was in, in any way. I think it's just not the kind of place that is equipped to help people with cptsd. It's otherwise a wonderful forum and I'm forever grateful to them, even with this conflict due to how much they helped me to stay afloat.
This is what I wrote to the helpline person.
I think mostly what helped me cope was the forum itself, because I was afraid that when that support gets cut off, then I'll have to be by myself with my thoughts and the thought of that felt maddening.
Trauma tries to push you down, but you still keep trying and hoping and holding onto the little strings that gave you back your humanity. For me the forum became a caring family and home, when no one else was there for me and why it became an important piece of my identity, when I didn't know who I was at all due to trauma blurring everything. You can't heal from trauma all alone. You need support, even if it's built on a shaky foundation.
It was accessible, anonymous and available 24/7. I wasn't a forum person before this at all as I barely was able to talk to others like I am now. I had such big anxiety that I couldn't even talk to staff withouth thinking that everything I say makes them hate me and I admired them very much. I started participate more, advice people and felt connected to them as they were going through similar things to me around identity. They asked me to become a forum moderator and at first being dissapointed that it was a moderator role as I mostly saw advisors giving advice in the forums, what I was doing too, then I become to love the role and seeing how important this role is, though I became a bit rigid with rules. I knew them by heart and it was hard to adjust lets say other place with bunch of younger people and being a co owner eventually there due to gaining so much trust. The rules and it all overall was chaotic, but I learned that I just have to go with the flow there.
Forum was my lifeline. Loosing the forum made me go through grief. I was feeling how my lips were tingling, it felt wrong to eat and I was crying a lot, but at the same time cutting that line helped me see my real identity better.
I often felt very alienated and different from other people and I had no in real life friends at least not in the same sense as there is online.
Recently though talking to the Discord friends feels like it's all akward and tense and I think it's just me. It's due to depression. I left one common server as it became overwhelming with so many kids for for some reason I couldn't relate to and it felt lonely.
I think it is all due the high stress. I have been up until 4pm (insomnia). Sometimes I do my trauma processing, have bad migraines, then there was this conflict, going through grief and huge depressive episode on top of my everyday tasks.
Trauma brings so many of our behaviors to a unhealthy level, be it eating, sleeping, exercise, almost everything. There is always a healthy balance to strike. Trauma skews this equilibrium, so that the great majority of our behaviors are "beneficial" to being "safe" but detrimental to nearly everything else.
Trauma healing (imo) is the slow and methodical unraveling of all these aspects of ourselves that came about through mistreatment and abuse, restructuring them as they "should" have been in the first place.
It is a long long road.
But what becomes clear through wise and unending search of understanding... it is not the destination, but the journey...
Stay true, stay open, never stop evolving.
Love and support
:hug:
I'm using this to vent a bit. I'm 34 and caregiver to my parents and sister and I'm dependent on them financially and for having a roof over my head. Most part they are accepting of me, but what hurts the most is that my dad brings up old topics how no university wants me, while I'm in my last year of university just on break. He's particularly bringing up medical school like only acceptable path. I did study nursing for a year, but the responsibility of it all not to mentioning not liking how the entire system is run was enough of making me not wanting to pursue it furter. It's astonishing how mean can the people in medical field be, when they should show emphaty. I'm pretty sure that my dad hurts me on purpose. I've told him countless times how these things hurt me and I've been vocal about feeling that no one cares and values me and instead they bring out what all I don't do, instead of admitting it.
Quote from: Chart on November 30, 2025, 03:12:02 PMTrauma brings so many of our behaviors to a unhealthy level, be it eating, sleeping, exercise, almost everything. There is always a healthy balance to strike. Trauma skews this equilibrium, so that the great majority of our behaviors are "beneficial" to being "safe" but detrimental to nearly everything else.
Trauma healing (imo) is the slow and methodical unraveling of all these aspects of ourselves that came about through mistreatment and abuse, restructuring them as they "should" have been in the first place.
It is a long long road.
But what becomes clear through wise and unending search of understanding... it is not the destination, but the journey...
Stay true, stay open, never stop evolving.
Love and support
:hug:
Thank you. :hug: It is a journey and a painful journey, but I'm determined, though at times things feel hopeless, when my depressive episodes take over.
Quote from: Ran on November 30, 2025, 08:41:55 PMI'm using this to vent a bit. I'm 34 and caregiver to my parents and sister and I'm dependent on them financially and for having a roof over my head. Most part they are accepting of me, but what hurts the most is that my dad brings up old topics how no university wants me, while I'm in my last year of university just on break. He's particularly bringing up medical school like only acceptable path. I did study nursing for a year, but the responsibility of it all not to mentioning not liking how the entire system is run was enough of making me not wanting to pursue it furter. It's astonishing how mean can the people in medical field be, when they should show emphaty. I'm pretty sure that my dad hurts me on purpose. I've told him countless times how these things hurt me and I've been vocal about feeling that no one cares and values me and instead they bring out what all I don't do, instead of admitting it.
Ran,
This sounds to me like very toxic behavior on the part of your father. As a father myself, I have learned, and I try, to support my children in their endeavors. Additionally, parents are financially responsible for their children, their well-being, their mental and physical health, etc, until a certain age. And in many countries (like here in France) and cultures, the law stipulates that parents continue being financially responsible for their children well into their twenties. Parents cannot just "cast-off" their kids. So the fact that your parents are still supporting you financially and with lodging while you pursue your medical studies is ABSOLUTELY normal and part of the order of Nature. This is what parents do! I imagine that you are active in the house and participate in helping their needs as well. This is all perfectly normal. I have said this before, and I am not alone in this opinion: Children owe NOTHING to their parents. As a parent myself, I cannot expect financial, emotional, physical support from my children. I CHOSE to have children, and I engaged in an obligation to raise them to the best of my ability. My children "owe" me nothing for the things I have done for them. This is the cycle of life and the natural order of things.
This fact seems to be incredibly blurred and twisted around the world in many many families...
I am very sorry, Ran, that your father and others are treating you this way. You do not deserve this kind of treatment and it is not an indication of who you are as a person.
I hope that you can find a way to distance yourself from this "toxic treatment". It's not easy, I know...
Sending support.
:hug:
Quote from: Chart on December 01, 2025, 11:15:40 AMQuote from: Ran on November 30, 2025, 08:41:55 PMI'm using this to vent a bit. I'm 34 and caregiver to my parents and sister and I'm dependent on them financially and for having a roof over my head. Most part they are accepting of me, but what hurts the most is that my dad brings up old topics how no university wants me, while I'm in my last year of university just on break. He's particularly bringing up medical school like only acceptable path. I did study nursing for a year, but the responsibility of it all not to mentioning not liking how the entire system is run was enough of making me not wanting to pursue it furter. It's astonishing how mean can the people in medical field be, when they should show emphaty. I'm pretty sure that my dad hurts me on purpose. I've told him countless times how these things hurt me and I've been vocal about feeling that no one cares and values me and instead they bring out what all I don't do, instead of admitting it.
Ran,
This sounds to me like very toxic behavior on the part of your father. As a father myself, I have learned, and I try, to support my children in their endeavors. Additionally, parents are financially responsible for their children, their well-being, their mental and physical health, etc, until a certain age. And in many countries (like here in France) and cultures, the law stipulates that parents continue being financially responsible for their children well into their twenties. Parents cannot just "cast-off" their kids. So the fact that your parents are still supporting you financially and with lodging while you pursue your medical studies is ABSOLUTELY normal and part of the order of Nature. This is what parents do! I imagine that you are active in the house and participate in helping their needs as well. This is all perfectly normal. I have said this before, and I am not alone in this opinion: Children owe NOTHING to their parents. As a parent myself, I cannot expect financial, emotional, physical support from my children. I CHOSE to have children, and I engaged in an obligation to raise them to the best of my ability. My children "owe" me nothing for the things I have done for them. This is the cycle of life and the natural order of things.
This fact seems to be incredibly blurred and twisted around the world in many many families...
I am very sorry, Ran, that your father and others are treating you this way. You do not deserve this kind of treatment and it is not an indication of who you are as a person.
I hope that you can find a way to distance yourself from this "toxic treatment". It's not easy, I know...
Sending support.
:hug:
To clarify a bit. I study in a different field now. I'm pursuing graphic design course as my health and cptsd do not allow me to do physical work, before this all I was proffessionally trained as a caregiver. I like arts as I have always been more creative, but due to not knowing what I wanted, then in ways this caregiver role was pushed upon me. One of my big goals is to publish and illustrate my own books and this is why I'm pursuing after graduation a masters degree in graphic design as this is part of the program. I'm also hoping I can work from home with graphic design and earn income this way as with graphic design you can find work from all over the world and I know how internet works and marketing are something I'm knowledgeable about. I'm hoping that this gives me a way out of my enviroment. Living at home is also financially smart, but I need to figure out how to do this as I am a caregiver for my parents and sister and I think they do need another caregiver and home nurse as someone to help them out. It's hard to convince them though as they are stubborn. So I need to be smart about it. I'd still be delegating everything, but I wouldn't have to be present 24/7.
:hug:
I really appreciate everyone who have replied to me. All of this is very valuable for me, so thank you so much everyone. :grouphug:
You're not alone, Ran. Thank you for sharing your story.
:hug:
Got new information. Seems me helping family members with disabilities could count towards disability support activity requirements and I wouldn't have to worry about working or studying or attending job office and my financial support would continue. It would take immense pressure off my shoulders and I can still do my work in graphic design field and use this time to heal more withouth extra worry.
I ended not telling about the cptsd stuff to GP. I think I got scared a bit, but I still can tell my psychiatrist.
My gp wrote me medication for my heart as I get palpitations and had high blood plessure.
I think a lot of the symptoms especially inflammation that do not go away with antibiotics and high sensitivity to medications could be due to cptsd as well. I did read some stuff about it online.
Ran, someone recently wrote about Bessel Van der Kolk's "The Body Keeps the Score" here on the Forum. You might want to look into the book if you haven't heard of it. I'll try to find the link here on the Forum.
Glad to hear about your disability requirements being fulfilled.
:hug:
Found it:
https://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=17020.0
Quote from: Chart on December 03, 2025, 05:53:18 PMFound it:
https://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=17020.0
Thank you. :hug: I actually do know about the book. There is a pdf version available online and I'm reading it, though I haven't got very far. I can relate to stuff as well.
I heard about the book a long time ago, before I even knew about my cptsd and thought it's intresting, but never got around to reading it. It does seem like a mandatory book for us.
I actually only just know realized that a lot of the conflicts came from focusing on hypothetical harm and me worrying about what could hurt someone pontentially, instead of staying grounded in the actual conversations happening in front of me.
I guess I was overly prioritizing potential harm because the past taught me that pain arrives out of nowhere and I'm the one who
has to prevent it.
I guess it was hypervigilant state in action and of course I had no way of seeing the truth, because trauma just blurred everything.
I think this realisation will help me move forward.
I often feel like a child, but dislike being treated as one. I feel many issues come due to not developing properly in my childhood.
As a child your emotional regulation is underdeveloped if no one helps you with it or teaches you. And to a child what family says tends to be the law and if you're hypervigilant, then you will do everything you can to protect that space, even if it's toxic, because you don't know other ways and if that family turns against you it's like everything shatters beneath your footing, because to you it was a safe space, but now you had none of it. And it's a monumental loss. The child becomes a crieving child. Finding that balance in it all is so hard, especially at times, when unable to control your emotions.
At first everything feels foggy, but after you get clarity and this happens with many things constantly. It's like each time you will be reborn.
I thought about my childhood a lot and in ways I still feel like a child, but I wouldn't want to be treated as one. I think that if I wouldn't be pushed into a caregiver role, then I'd be children's art teacher. Though I wanted to become marine biologist, so if I'd have learned swimming, then I'd problably could have gone to that route.
I'm confused on something. Somehow this all feels so surreal. All of these experiences. AI tells me dissassociation, but it feels different somehow.
Quote from: Ran on December 04, 2025, 11:38:13 PMI'm confused on something. Somehow this all feels so surreal. All of these experiences. AI tells me dissassociation, but it feels different somehow.
I think this feeling is common among Cptsd survivors. For me it is difficult to perceive reality one way and observe others around me who clearly are perceiving things very differently. That dissonance is very disturbing. Were it not for a few friends who support me I'd probably be in much worse straits. Friends help immensely, though I have far fewer now than my younger days.
Quote from: Chart on December 05, 2025, 09:53:18 AMQuote from: Ran on December 04, 2025, 11:38:13 PMI'm confused on something. Somehow this all feels so surreal. All of these experiences. AI tells me dissassociation, but it feels different somehow.
I think this feeling is common among Cptsd survivors. For me it is difficult to perceive reality one way and observe others around me who clearly are perceiving things very differently. That dissonance is very disturbing. Were it not for a few friends who support me I'd probably be in much worse straits. Friends help immensely, though I have far fewer now than my younger days.
I've been dissassociating since I was 5 years old and it went away a bit with huge identity crisis and now it comes back time to time. Sometimes it's like watching your life from far away, other times it's surreal surroundings and this time it was different, because the memories felt surreal. When I realized some trauma stuff I dissassociated after a long time again, then the surroundings felt surreal.
It is disturbing, but in ways what has helped me are distractions, grounding and knowing that yes this is dissassociation and sometimes I can bring myself out of it. I don't have people who'd help.
And I think something happened yesterday. The alarm system hypervigilance usually appears as a red wide beam scanning, but it turned off and now it turned on and it's a white narrow beam scanning. Maybe due that I've been resting?
Medication my gp wrote has been okay. I'm not overly sensitive to it, so yay and it seems to be working.
Glad to hear the medication is helping, Ran.
:hug:
One thing I'm doing for health purposes is work with my inner child. What helps me be more healthy is that in kindergarten we had vitamin breaks, where we got to snack on fruit or vedgetables. I'm trying to blend it into my routine, that on specific time I go to the kitchen and cut up some fruit, vedgetables etc and put them on plate and eat it. I don't usually take drink other than water too then.
Quote from: Chart on December 05, 2025, 03:49:59 PMGlad to hear the medication is helping, Ran.
:hug:
Thank you. :hug:
Tw: grief and loss and trauma flashbacks. I try not to be descriptive. I removed one part that could be too descriptive.
I cried yesterday and today. It's still about the other forum. I keep checking it and then crying. Kinda like I lost a loved one and i'm grieving.
I wrote a letter and gave them human personality. I won't put it there, but maybe
I can in here. I don't name anyone. It's just a way to express how much it all meant to me. This place was tied to my identity, so it's like loosing my identity and home.
My letter
My dearest,
When we first met you were accepting, even though I was shy and anxious. You accepted things others couldn't see. I could say that I owe you my life.
You listened me. You allowed me to talk and be myself around you and made me feel seen, important and needed, when I felt unseen, worthless, unimportant, unneeded and unloved. Of course I got attached. You became my lifeline.
Feeling like I wanted to be around you and at the same time not wanting it was one of the hardest things to endure. And those other guys around you made me feel as if I can lose you at any given moment. That my role beside you will get replaced by someone else. Someone better. Someone more capable. Someone who you'll love more than what we had. I feared to be cast out of your life.
When I came back to you after spending time apart I saw that you were still the same. I felt relieved again as it seemed like you were your old self.
Then I don't know what happened. I started to feel like you didn't understand anything I told you and we fought often. I just wanted someone to understand and thought you'd be the one person who would understand me.
Then I got angrier than before. I said things to you that weren't said maliciously. My trauma came in the way. You felt cold. The way your brother treated women was wrong and you just laughed and said it's normal, when it was clearly not.
Why do people bring spirituality as part of their attraction? I understand being attracted to someone and soul connections, but it's different if someone puts femininity on spiritual pedestal and says that they are attracted to feminine spirit. It's called spiritual bypassing. The use of spirituality to exuse their behaviour to not seeing somone as a person. It can be used to using as an exuse to sexual assault.
It felt like the entire world had gone mad and celebrated them. Due to his words I experienced flashbacks again as I've been through sexual abuse. I haven't told you absolutely everything about that, but I was too scared to tell. I've been in the envirovment of mistrust so long. I don't know how people act normally or around eachother as I haven't been taught it all. Often I feel like a child in adult body.
Trauma and anger blur everything. I can't say I'm sorry about how I reacted as apologizing for my reaction would be diminishing my trauma and I've been told before to just get over my trauma or journal my feelings and I'm not even allowed to tell my feelings. All I can do is bottle them up.
:grouphug:
Ran, I felt the emotion in your letter. I'm sorry you're struggling these days. Sending hugs and support.
:hug:
Quote from: Chart on December 07, 2025, 12:24:26 PMRan, I felt the emotion in your letter. I'm sorry you're struggling these days. Sending hugs and support.
:hug:
Thank you Chart. :hug: I just needed to let it all out. It helped a little.
My grandma called me and asked if I'm at home and can chat. She wanted me to go with her for shopping my family's presents and help pick them out and because she gets dizzy on the elevator. It was a bit demanding that any day of the next week could I go. I said I'm busy and she was like is there really no day I could spare and when I said no, then she had this dissapointed voice. I mean not asking about how I feel or am at all, just go with her. She's also one of the narcissistic people.
I don't well myself due to being sick and demanded for stuff like that and not taking me into consideration at all is unfair.
I wanted to put in writing my identity journey as well. Contains TW: suicidal, body dysmorphia.
In 2020, on my 30th birthday, my identity crisis hit full force. I was reading a lot of BL manga at the time and my mind jumped from how would it feel to be a man to what if I actually was one. That single thought changed something in me. It made me suicidal and I started having intrusive thoughts
The truth is I had already been questioning in my 20s. A teacher once told me that in our profession we are gender neutral. I took it literally because I wanted to seem professional, so I tried to imagine what being neutral meant. I experimented a little, but I had no real understanding of gender at the time. I thought gender neutrality meant erasing my gender altogether. That misunderstanding pushed me into a terrible panic attack, so I stopped trying.
But on my 30th birthday, the crisis came back ten times stronger.
The moment I thought, what if I was a man? I broke down. I was shaking, crying, trembling everywhere. It was like a shock running through my whole body. I looked into the mirror and didn't recognize myself. The eyes were mine, but everything else looked distorted, almost monstrous. In hindsight, that's when my body dysmorphia truly surfaced, because even before all this, I was already obsessing over my reflection, avoiding mirrors and wanting to smash them out of frustration.
Looking back further, it makes sense. As a kid I was tomboyish and rebellious. I didn't fit typical expectations. I spoke my mind loudly. But I was constantly pushed into caretaker roles like babysitting, being the responsible one. I felt like people were trying to box me into something that wasn't me.
Before any gender questioning started I was already wrestling with my sexuality. I never labeled it back then, but I suspected I was a lesbian. I buried that thought deep because I knew it wouldn't be accepted. I was much less open-minded back then and I carried a lot of internalized homophobia. Thankfully I don't anymore.
But trauma doesn't separate things neatly. My sexuality and my gender questioning overlapped and tangled into one overwhelming mess. That's why I talk about both together. I know they're separate, but one absolutely affected the other.
Femininity itself felt like a burden.
Not because of who I am, but because of society's expectations: marriage, motherhood, being a proper woman. None of that fit me. I felt uncomfortable being overly feminine. And on top of that, my body didn't make it easier. Fragile health, genetics and very large breasts that cause physical pain and breathing issues didn't help my relationship with my body at all, not to mention other traumatic events within unsafe enviroment.
Eventually I identified as a transgender man for two years.
I lived fully as a guy with male name, he/him pronouns. It actually felt comfortable in many ways, but my dysphoria didn't match the experiences I heard from other trans people. Something was always slightly off, but I didn't know how to name it.
I eventually got a gender dysphoria diagnosis from my psychiatrist, submitted the application and got called in front of the gender committee (psychologists, psychiatrists, a gynecologist). I thought everything would go smoothly. Instead, they told me I needed to work on my mental health first and they didn't see clear evidence of gender dysphoria.
It shocked me. I genuinely thought I was on the right path. I had prepared myself emotionally for testosterone. Hearing not yet or we don't think this fits was a punch in the gut.
The only place that helped me process everything was another forum I eventually outgrew. They supported me through the entire journey. I had some things going on, but I had formed an unhealthy attachement to the forum and due to some stuff happening I figured out that I am genderfluid as I felt that weird shift. I don't know. Someone that shift and my experiences of gender guestioning started to all make sense, even together with trauma.
After a long time now finding a label haven't made me happy. I went back to gender neutrality and I was okay, but genderfluid discovery made me happy. I don't know. It's strange.
Like sometimes I am one and other times other. Sometimes fem and other times masc or gender neutral. Sometimes I like women as a female and men, when I am more masc or gender neutral.
With gender the other thing that comes into play is sexuality, but I think bisexual does fit me best and others have said that the things I say feel like someone who is bisexual.
For the longest time bisexual term was so uncomfortable.
I think the forum was a catalyst.
The forum was a catalyst as there I first found out about euphoria and I think that my mind in ways tried to hold onto a lead to my identity, so it misfired some signals, where I fully started to think I was trangender male. I thought I felt euphoria during dissassociation episode.
And when the possibility for me to be in the forum, what was like a part of my identity was cut, then it all collapsed, which is why I lost all direction of my identity, but in ways it was good for me.
Quote from: Ran on December 08, 2025, 11:56:49 AMBut trauma doesn't separate things neatly.
:yeahthat:
I've been chatting with some people and over a long time I felt oh I like to chat with these people. I was feeling warm inside. I don't know why. I don't know them even too well. Just chatting about normal stuff is fun.
Quote from: Ran on December 11, 2025, 12:42:58 PMI've been chatting with some people and over a long time I felt oh I like to chat with these people. I was feeling warm inside. I don't know why. I don't know them even too well. Just chatting about normal stuff is fun.
I agree, Ran, connection is so important for me and helps me regulate. I connected with two people this week and it was very beneficial.
:hug:
Quote from: Chart on December 11, 2025, 05:54:36 PMQuote from: Ran on December 11, 2025, 12:42:58 PMI've been chatting with some people and over a long time I felt oh I like to chat with these people. I was feeling warm inside. I don't know why. I don't know them even too well. Just chatting about normal stuff is fun.
I agree, Ran, connection is so important for me and helps me regulate. I connected with two people this week and it was very beneficial.
:hug:
I'm talking to a person second day straight. He has very calming precence and it made me comfortable. I worry that my cptsd may interfiere, but right now I just enjoy talking. It's been amazing talking to him as he don't seem judgy. Though I keep rational mind.
I had trauma responce. At least now I can tell if something is a trauma responce, but it somehow feels unbelivable, because my mind runs scenes like movies and if some one describes something possibly triggering, then it goes off.
Sounds familiar, Ran. I have "stories" running through my head pretty much permanently. For me, when I become aware of what I'm doing, I try to "return to my body". It's slow. Very slow. But it's having an effect.
:hug:
Quote from: Chart on December 15, 2025, 09:29:20 AMSounds familiar, Ran. I have "stories" running through my head pretty much permanently. For me, when I become aware of what I'm doing, I try to "return to my body". It's slow. Very slow. But it's having an effect.
:hug:
Yes slow for me too. It seems to depend on how intence the reaction is. There are times, where no one can calm me down and I'm having a panic attack. Sometimes grounding helps. You kinda feel slowly coming back.
Hey journal,
been away, because dealing with alot. My emotions have been going like a storm inside and even had a mini panic attack and some new feelings today all due to a man who's picture I haven't even seen yet. I'm really careful with this all as I know how easilly trauma can blur the feelings. I'm trying to differentiate what are actual signals of being in love vs CPTSD attachment. So that's my update. I feel like he deserves to mingle with people his own age and not with someone like me. My tears just drizzled down today. These emotions that this guy has made me feel have been more intense than any other guys.
Quote from: Ran on December 20, 2025, 07:01:42 PMI'm trying to differentiate what are actual signals of being in love vs CPTSD attachment.
That sounds very very wise Ran. Go slow, take your time. Cptsd demands our attention first and foremost.
:hug:
So far the things that have helped me
- inner child work (creating routines, creativity, storytelling);
- having supportive person in my life;
I need to do a lot more research, but these are the ways to heal I have so far.
I have huge abandonment fear and getting attached to people, so it's something I need to deal with.
Today I was sad about not being made a mod in a server as I've been mod in many other their servers, but there are new people and they do things differently. I shouldn't be like this I mean I'm an adult and they bunch of teenagers and people who are young adult. I should be able to be over it, but if they chat in their private chatrooms, then it makes me feels very much exluded. I start thinking thkngs like that no one needs me. I cried even. I feel ashamed of crying over something like this. I guess it's about inclusivity, community, friend group, feeling like you belong and are important and useful, rather than just being there and existing in a space. :'(
I have actually started dating him. It just happened. I can tell that I do have genuine feelings, but he is a massive troll as he pushes my cptsd attachment buttons deliberately. I don't hate it all, but I just fear that once things are over as long distance relationships last rarely, then it will hit me hard also I got overwhelmed too, but that part might be too triggering, so
Trigger warning: flashback, claustrophobia, trapped, panic attack!!!
I started feeling claustrophobic, because I was suddenly put into a wife role, with no ceremonies and I had an I think it was flashback of people's faces around me watching, so I felt trapped. I got even a bit of an panic attack. I'm over it now, but it was something new.
Quote from: Ran on January 11, 2026, 10:24:29 AMI have actually started dating him. It just happened. I can tell that I do have genuine feelings, but he is a massive troll as he pushes my cptsd attachment buttons deliberately. I don't hate it all, but I just fear that once things are over as long distance relationships last rarely, then it will hit me hard also I got overwhelmed too, but that part might be too triggering, so
Trigger warning: flashback, claustrophobia, trapped, panic attack!!!
I started feeling claustrophobic, because I was suddenly put into a wife role, with no ceremonies and I had an I think it was flashback of people's faces around me watching, so I felt trapped. I got even a bit of an panic attack. I'm over it now, but it was something new.
Ouf... Ran, your post hits me right square where I am suffering... now and for two years... and since forever...
My core trauma is Attachment... my research has revealed a long family history of father/child abandonment. The men were abandoned, were all subsequently raised by mothers who had in their own trauma emotional or physical abandonment. It's a web of failed relationships from the past, the inability of each to recognize their pain as the parental dysfunction. The scenario seems to be always the same: a woman suffering abandonment who then has a male child, thus demanding their sons to fulfill their emotional needs which in turns causes trauma in the sons... who grow up to abandon their children. Somehow this six-wheel wobble-machine has moved forward through the decades advancing like a drunken sack of aluminum cans.
I am in extreme pain at the moment. It sounds like you are experiencing painful symptoms?
For me, this deep deep core wound that occurred in-utero and I endured directly for the first four years of my life, is what keeps rising up inside me as depression and mental pain. It gets pretty severe. I'm also experiencing physical breakdown, as various parts of my body are ceasing to function without mild to severe pain on a regular basis. I think pain can trigger further pain. The pain I'm experiencing in my body is triggering fear and insecurity in my psyche... because it's now extremely painful to "work" as I've been doing the past ten years. I'm now in a very scary place. This is awakening violently that primal wound of insecurity and absence of safety. It's not the same, but it's enough to trigger my old deep wound.
When these things get triggered, we have to listen to them. Pain in the present is leading us back to the wound that was never healed. It's really really hard, but I have to "go back" and sense what the core situation was and then stumble forward in a manner that allows to come into the light... and resolve... but it's hard... it was sooooo long ago.
Crazy situation, but that's how I understand it. What you are describing sounds quite a bit similar. If not, feel free to ignore what I wrote. It's just what struck me now in this moment.
Sending support
:hug:
Quote from: Chart on January 13, 2026, 12:03:10 PMQuote from: Ran on January 11, 2026, 10:24:29 AMI have actually started dating him. It just happened. I can tell that I do have genuine feelings, but he is a massive troll as he pushes my cptsd attachment buttons deliberately. I don't hate it all, but I just fear that once things are over as long distance relationships last rarely, then it will hit me hard also I got overwhelmed too, but that part might be too triggering, so
Trigger warning: flashback, claustrophobia, trapped, panic attack!!!
I started feeling claustrophobic, because I was suddenly put into a wife role, with no ceremonies and I had an I think it was flashback of people's faces around me watching, so I felt trapped. I got even a bit of an panic attack. I'm over it now, but it was something new.
Ouf... Ran, your post hits me right square where I am suffering... now and for two years... and since forever...
My core trauma is Attachment... my research has revealed a long family history of father/child abandonment. The men were abandoned, were all subsequently raised by mothers who had in their own trauma emotional or physical abandonment. It's a web of failed relationships from the past, the inability of each to recognize their pain as the parental dysfunction. The scenario seems to be always the same: a woman suffering abandonment who then has a male child, thus demanding their sons to fulfill their emotional needs which in turns causes trauma in the sons... who grow up to abandon their children. Somehow this six-wheel wobble-machine has moved forward through the decades advancing like a drunken sack of aluminum cans.
I am in extreme pain at the moment. It sounds like you are experiencing painful symptoms?
For me, this deep deep core wound that occurred in-utero and I endured directly for the first four years of my life, is what keeps rising up inside me as depression and mental pain. It gets pretty severe. I'm also experiencing physical breakdown, as various parts of my body are ceasing to function without mild to severe pain on a regular basis. I think pain can trigger further pain. The pain I'm experiencing in my body is triggering fear and insecurity in my psyche... because it's now extremely painful to "work" as I've been doing the past ten years. I'm now in a very scary place. This is awakening violently that primal wound of insecurity and absence of safety. It's not the same, but it's enough to trigger my old deep wound.
When these things get triggered, we have to listen to them. Pain in the present is leading us back to the wound that was never healed. It's really really hard, but I have to "go back" and sense what the core situation was and then stumble forward in a manner that allows to come into the light... and resolve... but it's hard... it was sooooo long ago.
Crazy situation, but that's how I understand it. What you are describing sounds quite a bit similar. If not, feel free to ignore what I wrote. It's just what struck me now in this moment.
Sending support
:hug:
I guess in my case it's the men abandoning the women, so women are expected to be strong as my households have always been run by women. Even if those men don't abandon us deliberately, then I've noticed this pattern, but I've never deeply thought about it.
My body is breaking apart. I was born weak already and it all has progressed over the years, with analyzes made in the doctors showing nothing.
I have gastritis and duodenitis and issues with kidneys. Inflammation, where the antibiotics don't help at all. I have a lot of pain due to the scoliosis and I'm not sure if it's pinched nerve. I get migraines and tinnitus. I also have hypermobility or possible heds, but it isn't figured out wich one.
It all seems to be something neurological as systematic issues were all ruled out.
I tend to be very harsh on myself and I hate everything about myself. I want to hide away and not see my body what is breaking down.
I experience panic attacks, flash backs, body convulsions and body just trembling, shaking and have high bloodpressure with dizzyness.
Also migraine aura, tension headaches and just sharp pain on top of my head, when I've been through an intense period of my life.
Not to mention depressive episodes, intrusive imagery and thoughts. I've been passivley suicidal since 2021.
I'm not sure how I am standing. It's a complete miracle while also having born weak.
Quote from: Ran on January 13, 2026, 07:26:05 PMI'm not sure how I am standing. It's a complete miracle while also having born weak.
Ran, I hear your struggle. It sounds very hard... and very familiar. I agree there is something "miraculous" in your story. That you are still fighting and living shows the power of your resilience. When one part of us is weak, another part compensates with strength.
From what you describe, I would agree that your symptoms are neurological. And it seems clear it comes from trauma.
This is the condition we are in and must try to understand and grow through. It's hard, but I believe it's not impossible (most days :-)
Finding health and balance after trauma is the hardest thing we can face.
Sending love and support.
Chart
:hug: