For context one thing I am diagnosed with is generalized anxiety and depression disorder.
I guess I wanted to just I don't even know what. I don't have any support with any of this right now. I even lost a place that was my support, so I guess I'm in grief too. I have been crying a lot and generally down.
At first at times this all didn't affect me as much. The older I got the more my past started to affect me.
I have no energy. My body hurts and I have tremors. I'm pretty sure my health is detoriating, though I'm trying to get all the help what is hard.
I'm advocating for my physical and mental health and not only my own. I'm doing always too much, but keeping busy is a distraction.
Everything just feels too much. I feel like I don't matter at all. I feel worthless and not like a human at all.
All I can hope for is get a good therapist, because otherwise I can't talk about none of it. I don't trust people very much.
I am in great pain.
I'm really glad you posted. Everything you wrote: the exhaustion, the body pain, the "doing too much to keep going," the grief of losing a support place, it all sounds incredibly heavy. I could feel how worn down and unseen you are feeling.
I relate to parts of what you shared. When I was diagnosed with CPTSD earlier this year, my therapist told me she was leaving a week later. It sent me into months of panic and anxiety until I found a way to reconnect with her somewhere else. During that time, I felt exactly what you described: being overwhelmed, isolated, trying to keep moving just so I wouldn't fall apart. And also that fog of "I don't matter." Those thoughts can feel so convincing when everything in the system is overloaded.
So I just wanted to say this clearly, from someone who has been in that place: you matter here. Your pain matters. Your voice matters. We see you.
And thank you for trusting us enough to post. That's not a small thing when trust feels like an impossible task.
I hope you find a therapist who feels like a safe-enough anchor. In the meantime, we are here with you.