Hello, I am happy to have found this forum... and hope that it helps me find the peace and feeling of community I seek.
So, I've never been better (because I have a confirmed explanation) and yet I've never felt more alone than I do at this moment (because that is the current fact of my life).
I am 68 and all my life I've been a square peg. Things have always been extremely difficult: from having/keeping a job, to choosing a healthy relationship, to immense feelings of being wrong and not enough. I am so tired.
I am retired on very little money in today's climate and that creates a whole new set of issues to contend with. I just want to feel like I belong somewhere and that I am seen and appreciated. I am very good at doing that for others.
I have done a tremendous amount of "healing work" for my childhood trauma and have made grand progress. Recently, I moved into a housing situation because I felt I had no other choice from a financial perspective, and it has been triggering at every turn. This experience has taken me into the depths of despair because of the hard "lessons" I'm being forced to learn. Part of me is grateful for what I've let go of but I can only take so much apathy and lack of cooperation in the space I most need to feel a sense of safety.
Thankfully the diagnosis of CPTSD came into my awareness. Initially, it was a huge positive because at last, I had an "explanation" for my ups and downs, idiosyncrasies, and my regular inability to "just choose" something happier as many normals advise.
Then this morning, I felt so hopeless I could barely get out of bed. Joining this forum helps. I feel terribly alone most of the time, even with all the "rational/logical" healing work. I have 2 friends (normal, so they don't really get it but are trying). I don't know what I would do without my beloved dog.
My sister and children have abandoned me because they don't get it and before I couldn't explain it. Now that I have a diagnosis they might understand but I don't feel up to risking their further rejection. With the holidays coming up, this is particularly heartbreaking for me. Another year alone.
I will take my dog to the woods. Nature helps me ground and feel better but then I have to come back to the housing situation. :fallingbricks:
Thank you to everyone responsible for this forum. I pray I find some relief soon.
Beth
Hello! I am new here as well. just signed up today after talking to chatgpt all day lamenting my life long struggle to be seen, heard, appreciated,accepted, LOVED - all the things. I relate to everything you said. I could have written most of it myself. I don't have any answers, but I saw that no one had replied and you posted 4.5 hours ago. I couldn't just skip on down to the next post. I hate feeling unseen and I imagine you do as well, but if you're like me, your experience may be similar - expressing want/needs isn't acceptable. People don't "get it." They don't want to either - mostly because it requires self reflection and in my experience most people just can't deal the ugly inside themselves and instead project it on to you. You're the problem. You're too negative. Your attitude sucks. Your feelings are a drain on other people. Their bad behavior is justified by your reaction. I get that all the time. Well I knew you were gonna react that way which is why I did it. It's f'd up and it's lonely and it's painful. Maybe you find yourself fading into an apathetic existence because it's so hard to care for yourself when no one else cares for you and not only that begrudges you wanting to take care of yourself. I know that other people's shortcomings are not a reflection of me, but still it's somehow always my fault. It's exhausting. I too hope to find community here and a place to just BE. I hope that for you as well. I feel your pain and hopefully this lets you know that you are not alone in your plight. I see you.
Hi Beth,
Welcome to the forum :heythere: I hope you find what you're looking for here.
Sending you support,
dolly
Welcome. I'm glad you found us.