Hi friends, I'm curious to hear from survivors about experiences of building a healthy, intimate partnership (i.e./ spouse, significant other).
In past relationships, I brought faulty beliefs— such as, to be loved I had to give up myself, to do all the heavy emotional lifting, and to control myself tightly because I am wildly unlovable.
I have debunked and uprooted most of these lies. Issues with trust and lovability linger.
I long for a close, connected partner. And I can envisage growing alongside someone who also has awareness of the unresolved bits, with a curiosity and willingness to support each other.
I'm stuck thinking this is impossible.
Anyone have experiences to share of healthy, reciprocal close relationships?
Thanks very much.
I've been married for 35 years.
At the start I brought faulty beliefs similar to yours. I actually would not have been able to handle a close, connected partner back then. I was lucky that my husband comes from a dysfunctional background and has always been prepared to give me the space I need without my constantly having to demand it.
We have had plenty of difficulties, for sure, and some years ago I suggested divorce. This brought us closer as he was able to reassure me that he does love me and we worked through some issues. At that stage I still had no idea about CPTSD.
More recently, now I know what I am personally dealing with, I have had therapy and am making very gradual steps towards a closer connection with him. I find it excruciatingly difficult and am going very slowly but so far it has all been going well. I have realised he is a safe person for me to be with.
I honestly have no idea how one goes about starting a healthy, reciprocal close relationship. I have been lucky that things have worked out with the man I married and that we have weathered various storms successfully.
I hope you find what you are looking for.
Hey Marcine, I too have been married for 35+ years and part of what helped us is that we both come from a background of relational trauma. Before we knew what it was we had been through it caused problems but we figured it out together and that helped a lot.
It's a bit dicey starting a relationship with someone who is a trauma survivor but if they are working on recovering it can end up being a strength. My H and I are able to talk openly when one or the other's symptoms kick in and that means we are able to ground ourselves rather than expend energy hiding our feelings.
I don't know that this is much help given the underlying suggestion here is to find a fellow recovering survivor :Idunno: My other suggestion would be to work on boundaries and taking care of you versus everyone else. That way you'll likely notice/attract more men who are healthier rather than being drawn to or attracting those who have unresolved trauma or are abusive.
Just some thoughts, I hope they help!
Thank you NK and Kizzie for your thoughtful responses. I am happy you both have supportive spouses. 35+ years is quite a journey!
Kizzie, I appreciate your suggestion to "work on boundaries and taking care of you versus everyone else. That way you'll likely notice/attract more men who are healthier rather than being drawn to or attracting those who have unresolved trauma or are abusive."
This is in my control and I shall continue to move in this direction :yes:
:thumbup: :hug: