I woke up this morning to a message from my mom, more importantly so did my partner.
I've been no contact with my parents for about 3 months now and I clearly stated to my mom that I didn't want to talk/text/visit and needed space.
In that time she's reached out at twice her regular rate. I've been primarily ignoring her messages but getting my partner to help me monitor them just so I know what the vibe is in case I ever decide to resume contact.
But today was the first time she tried my partner and her message said
Tell ( my name) to call me, there's been a death in the family
So I didn't even know who had died and couldn't ask without breaking the no contact.
My partner messaged back that they were supporting my choices in terms of space and so did my therapist, but tried to remain neutral otherwise and recommended my mom text me the details which my mom refused to do on the grounds that you should't hear about family death over text.
I finally managed to get a hold of my brother who at first refused to tell me on the grounds that it wasn't his place and reinforced that I should call mom. When pushed he told me to shut up and then told me my uncle had died and that my cousin had found him this morning.
I'm so drained and exhausted my how much work and family dynamic * I had to navigate just to find out who died (even though I'm not particularly attached to any of my uncles)and from the Schrödinger's cat of dead family members for most of this morning and dealing with my brother being a *, and my partner who is similarly estranged from their family not understanding why I was upset and trying to decide if/how I should reach out to my cousin) Honestly just want to melt into a depressed puddle in my bed, make a nest of blankets and find comfort snacks but instead I have 2 separate role-playing groups waiting for me to spend my day pretending to fight monsters. And that's probably more productive then cuddling up and marinating in all the levels of feeling and the little waves of tears and grief that keep hitting me but (oh I don't know what level of swearing is allowable so) gosh darn, I'm so heckin tired right now
I'm sorry your FOO is putting you through this. Mine hasn't always been too good with NC and VLC, but they at least don't 'play games' and manipulate when it comes to deaths in the extended family.
Quote from: Fennec on October 18, 2025, 05:28:50 PMmy mom refused to do on the grounds that you should't hear about family death over text.
Oh man, what a load of baloney.
Quote from: Fennec on October 18, 2025, 05:28:50 PMHonestly just want to melt into a depressed puddle in my bed, make a nest of blankets and find comfort snacks but instead I have 2 separate role-playing groups waiting for me to spend my day pretending to fight monsters. And that's probably more productive then cuddling up and marinating in all the levels of feeling and the little waves of tears and grief that keep hitting me
May I suggest that probably both are productive? Maybe after the role-playing, you can curl up in your nest of blankets with some comfort (snacks? hot water bottle? calming music? stuffie? pet if you have one... or all of the above).
Although you were not so fond of your uncle, still - my condolences.
On swearing - most swears will be turned into * automatically by the system. The reason being: swearing can be very triggering for some people with cptsd, especially for those who are/were subjected to verbal violence including swears. So, the recommendation here on OOTS is to use a symbol mash like !&/?# and/or use emojis like :pissed: or there's even a nice explosive one. Please don't use a symbol mash combined with letters because that's just as triggering, the eye automatically fills in the missing letters. Personally, I like using emojis, I find them quite satisfying ;D
I am sorry for your loss. However close or not you were to the deceased it's still a change to the status quo. I am sorry your mother weaponised it like this.
I'm glad your partner is helping you field the messages from your mother. It's no suprise she is ignoring your boundaries but you did very well to find out what you needed to know without having to play her game according to her rules.
Oh Fennec, I am so sorry about what your family has put you through - "weaponized" it as Narc Kiddo so aptly puts it. I think you are really brave for protecting your boundary in the face of that. If this whole debacle doesn't make the case for why you have to do so, I don't know what does.
Just my thoughts of course but like BB suggested maybe do make a safe, comfy nest for yourself and snuggle in for a bit once you've done the role play obligations. Afterall, in normal healthy families we would be comforted and offer comfort but sadly with us we often need to do it for ourselves. I'm glad you reached out here because we do understand and we do support and comfort each other which is what you so need at the moment.
One other suggestion - perhaps you can try and talk to your partner to explain why you're so distressed, maybe not now but when the stress has subsided a bit? If they too are a survivor then who better to reach out to in times like this, as long as they can understand and validate what you are going through?
:grouphug: