Another thing I didn't like about myself this week was being needy. It only dawned on me in hindsight unfortunately.
This week was pretty intense and I knew it might become difficult. It was the first week of our kids going back to school after the holidays, and I had too much work to get done, a training session of a whole day, all of it triggers my I-need-to-do-everything-right-or-else-...-response. All-or-nothing - thinking. It will all be my fault. They will all hate me.
For some of it, I might actually think I did quite well, I took some breaks, kept my cool. But during the week, it did indeed get a little too much, I was getting a little anxious and then I allowed myself to feel the anxiety which was well done again actually. I hope I'm making sense here.
But then on the Thursday we had this outing from work, which included some 'nice' activities at the beach which should really have been nice, I love the beach, and I had chosen the less competitive activity (which still bring out the same response from me actually), and I also knew this was gonna be difficult because I actually do not know many of the people in my department. The thing is, most of my team was transferred to another department a little while ago and the ones that are still in my team were gonna be absent that day. So I knew I was gonna fall into my pattern of fawning a lot. I had promised myself I would take some time out if needed and take a walk on my own along the beach, but it turned out I got so involved in getting everyone to like me, that I totally forgot.
And the worst thing was, I feal really ashamed about myself for this and I actually disgust myself thinking about it. I had this idea I wanted to get to know our director better because he seems like a nice person. He has not been with the dept that long and I had been sick/absent quite a few times, so there had not been much opportunity to do so before. And I had this idea that we all tend to hide too much of who we really are at work, pretending to be better than we are, never having any problems which I think is ridiculous really, so instead we should practice 'The power of vulnerability', empowering - kind of thing. So I got to talking to the director and before long I started spilling everything, about me having problems with anxiety, having learned so much these last few years, feeling much better etc. etc.
And he reacted kind of okay, but not really compassionate (as my closer managers have so far, they have been wonderful actually), not quite the reaction I was looking for really. And now I feel horrible and stupid for spilling my guts. In my country, it's still 'not done' to talk about psychological problems to your boss really, for they will think you're difficult, incompetent etc. etc. Which I am not.
And I've been thinking, this was really the needy side of me coming out. It wasn't as rational or empowering as I thought I was being at all. This really was the little kid in me needing to be seen, needing to be acknowledged, needing to be told I was doing great, to be told I'm okay. This need is just so huge still. And of course he didn't give me what I need at all. And I shouldn't have expected him to give me this either.
So now I'm trying not to beat myself up for being so stupid. This really is a valid need that little me has, it was never fulfilled before. But I really don't like the way I handled this.
:fallingbricks:
(I'm so happy this forum is here, I would not dare to tell anyone in the real world.)
oh, DF, i so wish this would've had a happier outcome for you. i'm still trying to be 'seen' by some of the people closest to me, and it doesn't work real well, either. i think all we can do is take the chance, which you did. there's no guarantee about the outcome, but at least you gave it a shot. i'm proud of you for that, and i hope you can be proud of you, too. it's all we can do is give it a shot and hopefully, one of them will hit the bullseye. but, at least you don't have to regret not trying.
i've struggled w/ this a lot of my life - i'm still very sensitive about the idea that most people i know - and this has been verified by some of the people i've talked to - still think my moving to mexico was totally irresponsible and nonsensical, and that all i did when i was there was lay on the beach sipping margaritas. even after i explain that i was running for my life and that was the only place i knew to go to have a chance, most of them don't get it, can't conceive of that level of desperation. it's a horrible feeling.
i'm so sorry you go thru this, but i want to let you know you're not alone. i truly think it's, once again!, the nature of this beast. we're the ones who have to deal with the fallout of being wounded so terribly that it causes us this unsureness and neediness about ourselves. totally sucks! love and hugs :hug:
I think it's good you understand you have a need (but IMO are not "needy" per se) and are thinking about how to meet that. :thumbup: Sometimes that need is so strong we reveal a bit too much in one go rather than a bit at a time to see if the other person can be trusted with and receptive of the info. It's something that just takes practice for us and it seems to me like you're well on your way to figuring this out so kudos (again) :applause:
I agree with Kizzie that having needs and being needy are not at all the same thing. I am sorry that opening up to the director did not go as well as you would have liked. I can totally understand how plucking up the courage to say anything at all may have been at the limit of what your system could handle and then you found yourself in a situation where child you grabbed the opportunity that adult you might really have wanted to oversee a little more. It happens. It seems to me that what is important now is for adult you to reassure child you that she did nothing wrong. Adult you might have preferred she did not spill in that way, but if you notice yourself beating yourself up then it might be good to make sure child you does not feel caught in the crosshairs.
And you could always consider approaching the director at another time and say something like "I'm sorry if I over-shared at the beach outing. But I just want to make sure that I communicated to you how supportive and helpful all my colleagues are and how much I enjoy working here. It's a really strong team and I love being part of it. I hope you do, too." Or some such. That drives home the positive messages you were conveying. You'd need to make sure little you does not see this as an opportunity for some support - the idea is that adult you is stamping out your fear that he might be thinking you are difficult. But it is possible he might have been caught off guard at the beach and wishes he had been a bit more supportive. In which case he has an opportunity to say so and that is a bonus win for little you. Just a thought.
:hug: