Gabor Mate said that many of us were traumatized into being "good" girls and boys by our need to survive.
But we went overboard and hurt ourselves in the process and I was one who knows this well. I began to see that my anger and fury as an adult had a lot to do with me being "so good, so kind, so unboundaried" that it left my inner child feeling unprotected and I wanted to show her I could finally do that as an adult. So, now I am still kind and thoughtful but also wise and when I sense others are manipulating me, trying to provoke a neg response from me to hook me into their webs, taking advantage of me and not being reciprocal in their relationship to me I notice and apply a boundary ....sometimes its just not saying a word and letting my silence speak for me ( that is very powerful compared to my old habit of reacting defensively so I love it), sometimes it is being more firm and and direct, sometimes it is calmly pointing out the exact behavior someone is doing that is unacceptable to me to their face and letting them know it is unacceptable and they won't be tolerated. This is life changing and I am now learning this at age 72 after a life time of therapy where it just didn't ever make sense before. So if you are you are younger than me and have more time, please consider this topic of boundary setting soon than I did as it seems to be the one thing that is finally making me feel safe, and have self respect and love for myself while becoming a better human being around others. Love to all. Be well. Be happy.
Well done Freedom4me, I have found the same thing! :thumbup:
I really like what you said about letting silence speak for you. I think that's an important skill to learn and understand. I'm going to really think about that, as well as heed your words as a younger person. :hug:
Yes, boundaries are so important, and I am glad you have pointed out that silence can be very effective. Many people fall into the trap of believing that boundaries are to be observed by others and must therefore be communicated to them in specific terms. While there are of course instances where that can be necessary or helpful (e.g. I don't like it when you turn up at my house unannounced, please call or text first) there are instances where dysfunctional FOO will simply use that as an excuse to test and demolish boundaries if they can. Or they do something you did not anticipate, so you have to apply a boundary in the moment.
One example of a boundary I have used successfully is to have a policy of always needing to "check my diary". Mother might say "come to visit on Thursday" and I would just agree. Sometimes even when I had something else that then had to be rearranged. Because I did not dare to defy a FOO order. Sometimes I would know I was free that day and would agree to go even if I didn't want to. Now, I say "let me check my diary and I'll get back to you". This gives me breathing space to check the diary if I need to, but, more importantly, to give me time to consider if I actually want to go there. Mother cottoned on to this new habit of mine after a while and started saying "what are you doing on Thursday?" hoping I would say "nothing" and then they could insist on a visit. My stock reply to that is "I don't know. Let me check my diary and get back to you." After a while Mother got tired of that and would say "let me know some dates when you are free to visit". That seemed OK to me, and I would reply saying "this week I could do Thursday or next week I could do Wednesday". Whereupon Mother would say "Oh good, come on both days." :aaauuugh: Now I just give one date and if that does not work then I offer another.
Thank you for making this thread, Freedom4me. It is always good to be reminded of the protective power of boundaries and how helpful and reassuring it is for our inner child(ten) when we have boundaries.