Hey ya'll,
I am new to OOTS. I, like many of you I would guess, live in a bit of a roller coaster up and down with CPTSD. I hit a Valley in my peaks and valleys path and went looking for a community where I could participate and share, somewhat anonymously.
I grew up in a violently christian home. And by that, I mean that I was tortured with what my psychiatrist described as "Religious or Spiritual Trauma". It took me a long time to let myself believe that it could have caused the harm that it actually did. I was not hit, or beat, but the wounds seem deeper than a bruise on the skin. I grew up with no self esteem, no confidence and living in self hatred. By 15, I was sick of living like that and decide to fight it. Which then made me the rebellious teen. I was actually just being a boy, but I was made out to be satan's spawn.
I ended up in law enforcement due to my deep need to protect others. My police career took me first into working the projects in a large city, and then into narcotics investigations as an undercover detective, and ultimately as a very young assistant chief in a small police department. I ended up leaving law enforcement and I am now an international attorney, working in commodities and finance transactions. My time as a police officer made my PTSD as bad as it was going to get. I attempted to end my life in 2017, and now I am a speaker on PSDT within the Military and with First Responders to try and help others who may be considering self harm.
Because of my time in Christian * growing up, I have a severe and negative reaction to anything that makes me feel like I am being controlled, and my wife was neglected as a child and so she tries to control situations out of self preservation and looking for love. These two issues create a lot of heart ache between the two of us. Only the fact that we are best friends, that I am obsessed with her, and that she is an absolute angel for putting up with me, are we still married after more than 20 years of marriage.
Thank you for reading, and I look forward to participating in this great group.
Hi Jack, good to meet you, fellow OOTS newbie :wave:
Reading what you wrote moved me deeply— your clarity and self-awareness, your dedication to healing yourself and giving back to first responders, your authentic relationship with your wife.
I can especially relate with how you wrote about growing up with "no self esteem, no confidence and living in self hatred."
None of us deserve that. I am so sorry to hear you had to go through that.
I think this is a great group indeed, as you mentioned. In the short time since I joined, I have felt warmth and compassion in the understanding of kindred souls.
Hello Jack, welcome to the Forum. Your story touched me deeply. It sounds like you are incredibly resilient. To have accomplished so many's things in your life despite the trauma. Yet as you say, it's still with us after all these accomplishments and years. I for one still have much work to do, but I've progressed and in no small part thanks to everyone here. Welcome again and happy to know you.
Chart
Welcome to OOTS. I am happy to read that you have a strong marriage, despite the difficulties, and that you are taking such wonderful, positive action to help others with PTSD within the military and first responders. Your post shows that you are resolutely making lemonade with all life's lemons. I am glad you have found us and joined the forum - because you need to look after you, too. I think this is a great place to do just that.