I integrated a lot of dad-related trauma stuff. And decided to speak up with CPS and the systems therapist. I want to write a mail. As well as start conversations. If they allow it. I need to write a mail today. Or maybe tomorrow.
I find it terribly hard to speak. I cannot explain well. I do not know how to find the right words. Or how to put a complex situation in 10 sentences. I'm afraid not to be believed, or to make it worse. It also arouses emotions. And I'm afraid to be unfair to dad. I write a bit. Do not find it good enough. Get stressed. Walk away. But I need to write.
I could use as many calming techniques to use to keep myself in my window of tolerance (thanks, NarcKiddo) whilst writing or speaking. So that I can be logical and coherent. And finish the story. I need to write a bit. Calm down. Write a bit. Calm down.
Any ideas?
What I already did was talk to a hotline, walk a bit, eat something, listen to soothing or strenghtening music. But it's not enough.
I need it to be good. I also don't want to harm dad. He is terrible damaged and damaging. But not a sociopath. Just a sensitive boy hidden in an emotional bunker because of autism and trauma. Ideally my mail helps kid and me as kid's mum, whilst not driving dad further in his bunker. Ideally even gently convincing him there's life outside his bunker.
That's tough to do. I am with you on finding it hard to speak. Especially if I have not planned precisely what points I need to get across, or somebody asks me some question I have not thought of in advance. So in your position I would also be writing everything down. My approach would likely be to write a massive essay saying everything and including whatever grievances and emotions I have. I'd let the angry or sad inner children have full voice. This is hard, though, and I think I would have to forget the window of tolerance and just let the inner children loose for a day or so. Then I'd try to regroup, put adult me in charge, and go through editing down to the main points.
I don't know if you have time to do this, though. Or if you have the emotional bandwidth to go through that process. Or if that process would even be helpful for you. I would do it for me because that way my inner children would get their voice and then adult me would filter it all so by the time it gets told to someone else it sounds rational and compelling. Your situation is complicated by not wanting to cause issues for your dad, so adult you has to be fully in control of whatever eventually gets sent out or said.
I am conscious my reply has not given any further ideas for calming techniques. I don't really have any, over and above what you are already doing, apart from doing exercise, which is my go to, or doing art. I do, however, often find that letting my inner children vent for a while usually ends up in my feeling generally calmer even if it is unpleasant at the time. I don't know if maybe letting yours vent but setting a timer would help you? And when they vent, maybe let them do it with no concern for your dad. Then adult you can later sift through and pick up what is important to convey to a third party. I am assuming you may have some sort of contact with your inner child(ren) but if not then please disregard anything here that is not helpful to you.
Getting outside is my go to. As is watching something that makes me laugh or smile or is pure and good hearted. I once practiced writing a story that was very very difficult to put in words about some of what happened to me. I wrote it first in third person then eventually was able to write in first person. At first I dissociated a lot. But writing it over and over helped me both get some distance from it and also make it first person so I could acknowledge it was something that happened to me not her. So I guess just write what you have to write however and as many times as you need to. You don't need to send the first several drafts. It can be how you work your way up to what you want to write. I remember now too I read aloud what I wrote into a recorder and listened to it to. It was both difficult and desensitizing but allowed me to adopt it as my story instead of pushing it away. I don't know if it's a good idea. I recall I was very triggered while doing this. But you sure aren't alone. :grouphug:
Thank you for all your advice. I try these things!
The writing makes me feel all the bad stuff. And understand how I failed kid. Failed to protect him. And also how stuck I am. I responded in all the wrong ways to dad, because nobody heard me...on surface level I seem like the *, because he aroused such strong feelings in me...and hid all the behaviour he did to elicit these feelings. I am terrified. He is extremely manipulative. But in a calculated way. Not impulsive. I am good at being open with feelings. Dad is good at strategy games. I am more genuine, but unstrategical.
I feel overwhelmed. Scared.
I also feel guilty...maybe if I had been better, dad had come out of his shell.
My mind is a mess now. :stars:
I still cannot figure out if I am the problem or they are or both. I feel I became just as bad, or worse, because I worried over kid and got angry and terrified. And got no help. They wrecked my mind. And I wonder if they became like that because I was so horrible (as they say). Or I became like this because they were so horrible.
I also just don't know how to explain without sounding utterly crazy. I had psychosis. Because of what they did. I do not now. But if I will tell that dad secretly does a smear campaign with the family, who all cover for him, and spread nasty stories (i have their stories on record, but cannot proof they are lies)...or if I say they stole my diaries and passport when I was away...or if I say dad seems nice but secretly says nasty stuff when nobody listens... or my mum tried to manoeuvre me back to abusive men all the time, with weird excuses...I mean... who on earth are they going to believe? I will sound insane. I sound insane to myself. Even I can't believe they are that mean. Dad said it: "you will not even notice I play games, because I am so smart at it".
Someone told me to run from the family and save myself. And leave my kid behind. Which I will never. Even if my mind becomes mush and I die of stress. I see kid mask and slide in stuff the family teaches him. I cannot offer him much. But running away? Nope.
The only proof I have that will at least show it did not start with me....is that dad admitted he came from a family with narcissism.
The child therapist told me she had a strong discussion with my brother, because he spread stories that were not true. I told dad. Who said he would make clear she'd lose her licence for speaking with me. Right after that she disappeared from my social media. Her complete profile was gone. I still have her words written. But I mean...I know he always talks angrily with people who support me...but...would he really?
Mathilda I want to reassure you that the things you say make 100% sense to anyone who understands what it is like to be stuck in a relationship with a narcissist, especially a parent.
And your behaviors and reactions make sense to anyone who understands trauma, as well as what child sexual assault does to the mind.
Would you be any of the negative things you think about yourself if you weren't stuck trying to make a relationship with your dad work for the sake of your child? If your dad were all the sudden just gone....what of your behaviors stay and what disappears with him?
Guilt, shame, and low self-esteem are all common symptoms after CSA (and being raised by a narcissist).
They're treatable. But the trauma has to be in the past first.
My point being...there's not anything wrong with you other than that you continue to be traumatized. I'm sorry because there's not a solution right now unless CPS gets their act together and does what's right. But at least take some peace knowing deep down it isn't you. It was never you. :grouphug:
Thank you.
The sad thing is...I can see the sweet and sensitive little boy dad was. That breaks my heart. I saw it in my ex. I see it in my dad. I saw it in my mum. I see in them the little children they were, and can become, if only they step out of the web of defences.
I guess my priority at this point though...is to free my own little inner child from her defences...and make sure kid doesnt hide himself more.
I just find no logic.
The one moment he says he will isolate me with a smear campaign. Almost literally. The next moment he is truly devastated his kids fight. Both these feelings seem real.
The one moment I beg him to stop the behaviour he uses to drive me to suicide...and he coldly says no. The other moment he says he is so worried and prays I don't do it...the next moment he uses my suicidality to smear me. :stars:
I feel he is just very fragmented himself.
There is no logic to find. That's why these situations are such a terrible, knotty problem.
As an outsider looking in, my perspective is that you are trying to solve all of the problems at once. As soon as you address one aspect, all of the other aspects pile in on top of you. And then you can't do anything because literally nobody can solve every single problem they might have at the same time. Even if the problems are very interlinked, as yours are, there is simply no one approach that will solve it all. If there was, you would certainly have found it by now. You have been working so hard at this for so long.
I think you may benefit from trying first of all to identify the main issues.
First, there are three main people here, as I understand it. Your son, you, your father. So those three people could be where you concentrate your initial thoughts. Before you go any further, maybe give some thought to who you can actually influence here. You can influence you. If you feel strong and in control then you are your best self. When you are your best self you have more capacity to help others. It is not selfish to concentrate on yourself, and what will make you feel calm and strong. You can likely influence your son to some degree. He is his own person with his own thoughts and feelings but he is still a child and you are his mother. Children look to adults for guidance and I guess you want to make sure that you are the main person he looks to for guidance because you are the person who has his best interests at heart.
Next step would be to consider which other people need your help most AND which other people will be receptive to receiving your help. Seems to me that while your father and your son might both need your help, your son is the person who probably needs it more and who will benefit most from getting it. It is very human and kind of you to see the good in your father but maybe he should come third on your list? That is your decision to make, of course. And don't forget that you also need your help.
Once you have worked out your priority list it may become easier for you to construct your communications with CPS to best achieve a good result for the people in the priority order you have worked out.
As you have identified earlier on, communications with them need to be reasonably brief and to the point. Even if you have the nicest and most considerate caseworker in the world they are not going to have time to consider the entire life history leading up to this point and if you try to make too many points they will simply switch off and do what they think is suitable.
I think that if you can come up with a workable plan based on who needs the most benefit right now, you will feel calmer.
:grouphug:
I just feel stupid. He literally said, years ago, that he would play games. I gave him a shitload of ammunition. Because I freaked out.
You are right. I need to care for me and kid first. And speak up. And set priorities.
I just do not know how to explain. Dad is extremely extremely extremely covert in his abuse. He can threaten me with one tiny smirk. He can isolate me from the family with a stream of stories that are very subtly (but crucially) twisted. He can just nudge kid to not bond with me more in tiny ways. He can make clear he will revenge if I speak up, with the subtlest little dog-whistle, that sounds innocent to outsiders. He will steal my passport. I discover it because the door of the cupboard is open, and it wasn't before. He will lie it was on the table, and he was afraid it was seen and stolen.
And do it while smiling and offering the kindest of help. I manage to mostly ignore this now. But I do not know what steps to take to defend my child.
Just rest assured knowing nearly all of us here grew up with the same and fully understand what you mean. It may not ever be something you can explain well to cps. But it makes full and total sense here. And you don't owe others a detailed explanation. "There are sides of him he hides well and he is not healthy for me to be around due to some aspects of that behavior he hides. My religion and values don't not allow me to say more. It would just mean so much to me if you would trust what I am saying to be true for me without trying to convince me my experience is incorrect."
Thank you. Thanks. That means a lot.
It just...I keep wondering if it's me. They pushed every button they could find. In the subtlest of ways. But I was still the one who responded. And my character was wrecked. They brought out the very worst in me. But I keep wondering if they would have been kind. If I had responded better. Or if I saw it wrong. Because there was this perfectly sweet side.
Right now dad is planning a trip to Africa. With my kid. I accidently found out. He says he will not discuss it. And will push it through with CPS. If I give them notice, they tell me how "kid is in between". He isn't. There is one person doing constant nasty power struggles. And one person being clueless how to protect her child. That is not "in between."
Your words are perfect by the way.
I will use them.
What is a normal family like? What do they do, when they are angry?
I eventually understood that csa is not normal. And forcing your minor daughter to sleep in bed with her boyfriend against her will. And defending her abuser. And beating her to the ground and laughing that she must have slipped. And keeping her child awake when he says he is scared. And lying to the family and cps so that there won't be help.
But how about stonewalling and silent treatment? Or nasty sneers? Or eye rolls and pouting rather than just saying you are angry? Is this what people do? Are normal people like that? Or do they just say: ey, I am angry, can we talk. How do they fight in a normal family? :Idunno:
I know with my healthy ex, when he or I doesn't like something, we just say it. And are a little angry for a bit. Maybe say one or two things that are a little more harsh than normal. Look angry. But there's no games. And it's over in a short time. That is normal. Right?
Yes what you described with your ex's family is normal. What you describe with yours is not normal at all. It is violent abusive illegal criminal
Thank you.
I finally start to get stronger. My responses were wrong too in a billion ways. This gave them ammunition and ramped up their defences. I may have been able to soften them earlier. Had I been calm. I was no better. Also I should have fought a whole lot harder (or different hard) to keep my kid away from them. And better the situation on my side. But I at least tried to seek help and break the cycle.
My parents and brothers are still stuck in the "we are perfect" phase. Except for nonsensical stuff like "i maybe did two small things wrong too, ever, and I said sorry, why don't you stop and let me have a fun old day with your kid". Which doesn't feel suiting for driving your child to insanity and near death. Which also hurt her child. And playing the whole family apart.
I feel weird. I accepted reality. Finally. They abused me and I abused them back. And we all wrecked kids life with that. That I cannot change the past or them. And after 5 billion versions of no over 4 decades, they probably mean that they are not willing to change. And will continu the manipulative power struggle. And if I keep asking,
Which means I have to stop dissociating that away. Or trying for force them to change. But have to decide how I answer this.
1. Focus on my own life. Build a good life on my side.
2. Be there for kid as good I can. They can do materialism and hiding behind screens and alienation and prestige and buying his love with fancy travels booked behind my back. We will do love and honesty and simplicity and empathy and care for the vulnerable and selfreflection here. The more kid sees the good side of that. The more the chance he goes along. More then when I'm crying and fighting and fearing.
3. Speak up with cps. Even if I cannot prove it. And dad will have a whole bunch of stuff against me. But I am done with hiding the truth. I will not lie anymore. I am done with all the unacceptable stuff we all did. I quit joining in.
4. Stop going along in their mind and power games. I'm done. We all did wrong. I will stick with my original character. They can do their manipulation business. I will no longer respond. I'm done. Just done. * off. I forgive. I empathise with their reasons. Their pain. I see my share. They are welcome in my life again the day they quit. But not whilst doing gaslighting and all. It is contaminating and I don't want it.
I do think balancing truth with mildness is important.
Dad has autism (plus other stuff). Dad had a * childhood. Nobody taught him social or emotional skills. He says his mum was a manipulator and his dad was never there, never talked. My mum wasn't the easiest. My trauma absolutely freaked me out. But him too. He is terrified of emotions. And mine exploded out at a certain point. He did his best. He is not a sociopath. He is not evil. He is absolutely terrified and clueless. And shut off his empathy in a way. I wasn't the complete cause of that. As he says. But part of it. He behaves like a nasty person. But I'll be mild. I too was a nasty person when terrified. Nearly everyone is their worst self when overwhelmed. My worst self is I'm overwhelmed with feelings. His worst self apparently is that he becomes a manipulative controlfreak.
I have a few friends who are honest and also ask critical questions. Ex said: Matilda. You too could not selfreflect. When we met. Remember? You can now. But you could not.
I guess I can speak up for what happened and what I want. Not let dad manipulate or threaten or blackmail me into silence. There will be a backlash of all the bad stuff I ever did. Being put in front of a court. And I will look absolutely *. Which is was. I will no longer lie though. But I will be kindly truthful.
I was thinking.
Now I acknowledged my pain. I realise. In my childhood there was also a lot of love. My parents also did crazy weird stuff. But they did their best. They were emotionally disabled. I really see they tried. Hard. It was both them trying AND me not being seen.
I repeated my childhood with nasty boyfriends. This was my responsibility. But also rather...weird from my parents side. What parent knows their minor kid has a boyfriend who is a liar and gives them harddrugs to try... and says later, shrugging: "that was not my business"? (Whose was it then to raise me, dad? And correct me for a mistake? Protect me? If not you? I was a child. Living at home.)
There was a period my trauma exploded out of me. I was really not okay back then. I had begged for help everywhere. And nobody listened. I was impossible to deal with then. And the main problem. Blind panic. My family did bizarre stuff too. Like steal diaries or say crazy stuff or subtly undermine the bond with my kid. But I truly was the bigger problem then.
Mum died and they all blamed me. Me too. And cast me out. And played nasty games. When I started a process of self reflection, they did not. They were nasty and manipulative. And kept me ill. I despaired and could not recover. In this period they were the main culprit. I think.
I know I had a role. But I refuse to be blamed for the problems of the complete family any longer. My trauma coming out was also because they ignored every signal for decades.
Now I acknowledged my own pain. And what was wrong in my family. I also see my dads positive sides. And how hard he tried. And how hard my mum tried. And how difficult my trauma was for them. As theirs was for me.
They have emotional disabilities. And the circumstances were terribly hard.
I think I should be more forgiving. I can acknowledge that his behaviour was threatening to me, and mine to him. Yet know he did what he could. I don't think he is narcissistic. I think he is autistic. And traumatised. My trauma came out in a way that frightened and hurt him badly. And he never learnt a way to express that well. He learnt horrid communication skills. So it comes out in underhanded ways. That I rightly feared.
I decided to acknowledge my own pain myself. AND do not let him intimidate me into silence and obedience AND take responsibility for my own side. AND see his hurt and good sides.
At work we learn to look beneath problematic behaviour. In dads case this is not evil. But fear and pain.
Tomorrow morning I will e-mail them.
I decided to write a short mail. Where I write a compliment: I felt seen and safe. And that this gave me the courage to say that I was not capable of speaking up. Tell my reasons (being intimidated, faith and love for dad, not having the words). And ask for a second conversation. I think I can better explain in real life. As I can see their response, and know they believe and understand...or it is shoved under "misses is delusional".
I realised I can speak up AND be loving to dad. If he cannot handle that. He should not have done all these things.
My incestuous uncle had the balls to admit his faults. I sought help everywhere for mine. Dad hides his. Even if there's no way to win this. I refuse to still lie. About my faults and his. I may not get back my kid. But I'm done being silenced. I will live a life that fits my values. So that kid at least has his real mother. Rather than a terrified mess who is driven away from her real character.
I also will write a practical mail. With the practical problems I meet.
Like dad planning a holiday to Africa with no discussion. Or dad driving kid up and down everywhere - which is really abnormal here, all kids bicycle to school when they are 6 oe 8. Kid is 14 and pampered. Which SEEMS sweet. But it IS not. It keeps him dependent. Which is exactly the purpose. And also, I asked dad not to, and he said with a smirk that he would not listen to me... and now he does exactly the opposite. Idiot.