Hi,
I wanted a new diary.
My son is here today. I notice I'm a lot more relaxed when he is. We walked to town, had lunch together and he made his homework. We joked and talked.
At the same time it makes me sad. He's doing fine here. I want him to live with me, and it angers me that dad stole my child. And CPS helped him. With nobody even looking what it is like here, just drawing conclusions based on dads gossip. They never looked how I cared for him in practice even once, or spoke to my network even once. Just dad and his network. Penning down their gossip as fact. With zero fact check.
There's been a bunch of small annoyances with my dad. I hate the endless little bullying and alienating behaviours.
- Kid wasn't with me a few days when he should be here. So he decided to visit a moment extra. To come eat together on saturday
evening. Dad was all pissed off. And kid didn't dare to come anymore.
- My work had an open day. Kid wanted to come visit. He liked that. Was happy about it. He said he wanted to come. Dad was all pissed
off. And said: this will not happen. Or otherwise the extra hour with me, was supposed to be traded for an extra hour with dad. Kid
is always late here. So I proposed we'd see that as the trade. Dad was angry. He couldn't even let my kid be happy about an extra
hour with mum, that he wanted himself. What kind of a dad are you, if you are angry when your kid likes to be with his mum?
- Kid and I were a quarter too late with dinner. I called dad to be a quarter of an hour later picking him up. Kid is oftentimes many
hours later, on the days he is supposed to be here. But dad was angry about the quarter of an hour. And said it was to-ta-lly
different than the other way around.
It's tiny things. But it's always a billion of these things. It can never be smooth and cooperational. He can never be happy about kid bonding with me. He wrecks everything, and he is blind to it, so he feels he is the best dad and granddad ever. And everyone sees him as the rescuer. When he is nasty all the time. Just in a hidden way.
Today I was happy and calm though. I decided to forgive dad and distance emotionally. I'm going to be friendly. I do not want him to wreck my peace of mind and my character even a day longer. But I'm not going to trust him. That would be dumb. He is a manipulator. I will focus on my own life for myself and kid. The family stuff is not hurting today. Or barely. I have peace of mind today.
Kid will be here any moment. I will have the "what happened in the family"-talk part I.
Something weird happened today. My body and mind is suddenly relaxed and peaceful. As if all the problems fell away. I have no clue what happened. I can look at the bad things that happen and talk about them. But with distance.
I do hope kid is okay. I had to assignment by CPS to talk about the problems with him. He is highly avoidant. Refuses to talk. Looks away. Turns away to close his eyes and sleep on the couch. Vaguely answers that he doesn't want to talk about it. It might also be that he is tired. He came back from a school trip a few days ago. But I also feel he just takes the same strategy as my family: head in sand.
I hate myself. I had a conversation with the family therapist, the first. I was very honest. I did it wrong.
I feel bad. Every time I decide to distance from dad or I speak up, something goes wrong. My leg hurts, I feel the dvt is back. It feels like a punishment for speaking up. Or a consequence at least: brief anger causes heightened thrombosis risk.
I feel sad. I feel I'm as narcissistic as my family, or more so. Sure, they don't selfreflect or empathise. But I was difficult to be with, with all my trauma responses. If I had responded better, they would have not been so mean. We both pointed fingers at each other. I started to seek help and change, when they did not. But we both should have worked on ourselves, rather than blamed the other. And I should have protected my child. There was a short time when I felt strong, and my child was still with me. And I let them draw and threaten me back in. God tried to guide me out, and I was too broken. I see my child hurt. And I cannot bear it.
The talk yesterday, followed by a possible small thrombosis (stress => dvt) aroused a big emotional flashback. I felt full of shame and hopelessness. And terror about my child.
Today I'm back on my feet again. In my adult me. I talked with my doctor. She is kind. We see there are many positive things too. Next to issues. They were amazed I'm extremely stressresilient at work. I easily manage a group of six teens with severe autism/Down/mental disability on my own, when several kids are making a mess. As opposed to in my family, where I crumble from one sneaky gossip.
We also talked how my family never saw my true character, and always praised me for superficial things, like intellect. I asked mum once: what good traits do you see in me? My friends said things like "openness, emotional sensitivity, creativity". Mum panicked and said: ehh, I do not know, maybe analytical skills? I was also praised in sneering ways: you lost weight, at least you aren't so blown up anymore now. I don't think they ever saw my true character or intentions even once. I also have a role in that. Their abuse caused me to shut down my true character and have trauma responses to them. But I'm trying to dig up the real me again.
The docs were kind. I realised there's a lot of issues. But I also came a long way. I can trust people again, or know when not to trust, I can know and show what I truly feel and want, I can empathise, I can see my and others good and bad sides, I can deal with criticism and aggression. Just not in my family. :-/.
It is time I stay more and more in this adult me. And start to use this to carry my child better. And help him heal. And have positive moments with him. Rather than pick at my wounds or be knocked over by family.
I hate how I'm switching between my adult part and my wounded child parts. But I hope we (me and kid, not me and my scared parts) can heal.
I thought about the story of Lot and his wife in the bible. They flee the sinful Sodom and Gomorrah. Before it is destroyed. Lots wife looks back (to her past!) and is changed into a pillar of salt. Lot and his daughters walk ahead, to their future. I think this is supposed to be taken symbolically, to learn. A friend once said: don't look back, you are not going that way. It is not that simple. But I think I need to move forwards. I owe it to my kid.
I'm at peace again today.
My doc is helping me find EMDR treatment to curb the flashbacks, and help me be more organised, and work on forgiveness. She said: you can forgive AND be angry when he hurts you or kid again. Anger is allowed when someone is abusive.
I had a good day.
Until I had a conversation with CPS and reality kicked back in. I hate myself. I thoroughly hate myself. And I hate how my family manipulated everyone, and nobody sees what they do. They seem like the big hero rescuers. Nobody sees their hidden sabotage. And I hate how I responded to that, so that I made all their nasty accusations come true. Or seem true.
I am fearful. I disobeyed God. Now I'm living with the consequences, and so is my kid. I want a do-over in life. I messed up everything.
I can function well with my friends and work and neighbours all I want. And did a * of trauma work. But I messed up where it truly matters. In faith. In motherhood. In family. :-/
My unforgiveness towards family AND my lack of following Gods lead in my dealing with family (shut your mouth and trust God) wrecked my life.
If I had been still, life would have been bliss.
And I wanted a better life for kid. I fought from his birth to correct my stupidity to let him meet his unsafe father. And failed.
I feel I have become a narcissist too. And I hate it.
I do feel empathy. So much so that I'm inconsolable a lot of the time. About the pain in my kid, my family, the world. I can feel sad for days about the kids in the Congo mines and not want to buy a new phone because of it. Or my heart is torn when I see my kid struggle with my problems and the family problems.
But I cannot actually act on it, which is what counts. Because I despair. My dad seems to be really lacking in the empathy department. He often responds coldly. But he offers my kid more stability than I do. Because he blocks out all the painful stuff. And all the guilt and shame. He easily hurts us, with zero regret.
I also have urges to hurt my family back, which I hate. I control them now. I no longer lash out. But they put that anger in me with their sadism. And now their dark stuff is in my mind, and I do not want it. It was theirs, I want them to take it back. I want to get rid of it, and I don't know how. That is not how I was. At all. I was gentle and had very little anger of resentment. It feels like they gave me an infection that I did not want.
I want to purge even more of it out of me. But I feel I'm always behind the facts. Because I messed up with my kid.
Positively: I planned a bbq for kid and me, we will see my healthy ex and his daughter this weekend, someone will help me better my garden for free (kind people exist!), I invited my dad for a Christian meeting about hope but at the same time shield all my vulnerable stuff from him, I refrained from lashing out in flashbacks, I found beautiful music that helped others.
I feel horrible. I had the creepiest nightmare. I have no idea what I did wrong, but it was absolutely terrifying.
Also, I feel major guilt. I try to live well despite my guilt. Last days, I cleaned my house and garden. Making it better for my kid. I worked. I tried to be kind to kid and dad, even invited dad for dinner.
But I feel it is fake. Now I'm masking too. Because I don't want to make others sad as well.
I want to be a better person.
Quote from: Mathilde S on March 30, 2025, 10:36:28 PMLast days, I cleaned my house and garden. Making it better for my kid. I worked. I tried to be kind to kid and dad, even invited dad for dinner.
This is big, lots achieved!! I'm sorry that you feel it's somehow fake. I think that's the trauma speaking.
We'll still be here when you feel your strength and courage and can come back. :hug:
Thank you. I changed a lot.
1. I decided to stop overthinking and despairing and start acting. Responsibly. In my daily life. I cleaned my home, garden, finances. Or am in the process. I work again. Three days. Work that fits my values. My character. I try be organised. This is needed for kid too. And will strengthen my position with cps.
2. I decided to let go of all I cannot control. The past. The future. Big world scary news. Dad. Cps. I put it in Gods hands, I trust Him, I cannot solve it. This creates room to focus on what I can control.
3. I forgave and blessed family. I decided to let go of resentment. Expectation. I begged for change for 35 years. I got 5 billion versions of "no I am perfect". It is safe to assume they don't want to. Even when I literally begged to seek help, saying he made me suicidal, dad said: no I won't do what you want. That's as cold as it can be. I know there fragility underneath. I love him. I empathise. I see my part. I am no better. But I will accept there is no change, save for a divine miracle. And I am not God. I have to act from the knowledge dad will not change for me and kid.
4. From there, I am deciding whether I still want dad in my life. I see his kind sides too. I see I'm no better. But forgiving lessened the fawning. And I realised I dislike him. He is a manipulator. He refuses change. He harmed my mind, my kid, my family. With zero guilt. The reason I want him in my life, is: I think God asks it. Not sure yet.
5. I have a systems therapist who cps hired, who understood and stood up for me.
6. I'm being as good a mother to kid I can. I focus on what we have.
Thinking of you. I think you are doing a great job.
:grouphug:
Thank you.
I am content today.
I decided I will no longer let family manipulate or intimidate me into things that do not fit my character. Be it fight or fawn. Or silence when I want to speak up. Dad is a nasty manipulative controlefreak. He also did a lot of practical things for us. It's both.
I will let it go.
My family will never see me or the situation for what it is. I will focus on my own life.
I am with kid. It's Mother's Day. He is watching football. He was very late. Dad went with brothers on a trip. They planned it on Mother's Day. And announced it. Not asked. I think that is a * move. But I let it go. They are simply not kind and empathic people. It is what it is. Apparently I was not blessed with a family that does kindness well. Even if they think they are the most loving ever.
Kid did groceries. He bought us a nice meal. Burritos.
I worked and had fun yesterday.
I feel weird. Now I decided dads behaviour was abusive, and I will speak up. Things fall into place. And I feel a weird sense of calmth.
It frightens me. Almost as if something is missing. There was a lot of emotional turmoil. Inner conflict. Faith and anger/resentment fighting within. Now it is quiet.
My anger fell away. My fear and shame. The need to get true to dad fell away. He will never respond. Not in a way that is fulfilling to me. He will not cooperate. Or communicate in a normal way. He cannot. He is incapable. An emotional connection as I wish it is impossible.
It is not fully loveless. There's some sort of love. He just cannot show it in the same way. Or cooperate or reflect or empathise.
I also drank quite a bit of milk. Last days. I am allergic and it always gives me a hazy experience. They say for allergic people it connects to the opioid receptors. So maybe I just drugged myself. Haha.
I am proud of myself.
I worked. Had fun. Had a meeting with my health worker. Spoke up. Stayed with my boundary. Kindly. Was kind to dad but without giving private information. Connected to a friend. Processed stuff.
I did good stuff today. I took NarcKiddos point that I cannot solve it all at once at heart. And am happy with what I do achieve.
I visited the community center today.
I arranged with them to get free food and clothes in the next period. This will help with our financial troubles.
I have a job interview on friday. I arranged free clothes. I will get them tomorrow. I'm happy with my creative solution for my clothing problem.
Kid is here. I make sure it is calm and good.
I let dad's power struggles be.
I did my laundry and am cleaning the kitchen.
Kid and I joked a bit. About his and my bad traits. I casually said sorry for the things I could not offer him. And told him I did do my best, that he was loved. He was forgiving.
I think I did a lot of things worse than my parents. Also, I think this is progress. Where my parents always said: we are perfect. I can easily tell him what I did wrong. Or respond if he says it. Or accept being teased with that. My dad dishes out horrid jokes. But cannot receive the smallest tease.
Kid's attitude does make me think: if kid forgives my mistakes, and I'm happy about that, I should do the same with my parents. But their utter lack of acknowledgement makes that harder. A simple and genuine sorry would have been enough.
Were your growing up years your hard years? Family pain is the deepest pain because it was inflicted so early. It involves people who should have been trustworthy. You were too young to process the mistreatment. You didn't know how to defend yourself. Besides, the perpetrators of your pain were so large. Your dad, mom, uncle, big brother—they towered over you, usually in size, always in rank. When they judged you falsely, you believed them.
As a result, you've been operating on faulty data. "You're stupid, slow, dumb like your daddy, fat like your momma." Decades later, these voices of defeat still echo in our subconscious. But they don't have to. Romans 12:2 says, "Let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think." You are God's child. His creation. You'll get through this! You're part of his family.
A text by Max Lucado in my mail. It helped me.
Superhappy. I feel calm. Since I decided to quit lying to myself about dad AND forgive him. It's coming in waves. But I see him as emotionally disabled. That helps a lot.
If I am blind, I can bump into people and hurt them. I cannot take them into account. Because I do not see them. Normally, the blind person would get a stick and a guide dog. Which helps. And they tell people they are blind. But if they are not aware... they will still bump into people.
I see my dad as emotionally blind. And unaware of his blindness. I told him so many times. And proposed a stick and a dog. But he refuses. I decided to stop screaming and begging that he should see. And stop expecting he doesn't bump into me. I know what he is like. I need to work around that. Ask others for help, stay out of his way, be a bit forgiving because he doesn't comprohend.
He's also pissed off and hurt because of my trauma behaviour. Which I understand. It is logical. I was wrong back then. I cannot change the past. But I need to do better now. I decided I will behave as I see loving. Which is also to inform CPS.
All the rest is not under my control. And I let it go. It's with God.
All my anger is gone. I see is incapability. And also that he did his best, and did good things, and I did bad things. Things just are falling into place. I am having more and more relaxed times. :)
Also a lot in my daily life is falling into place. I have a great volunteering job and might get a paid job. I get help with food, clothes and furniture because of the superb poverty aid here (thank you!). I have sweet people around me. My kid seems to feel better lately. I'm cleaning the home. I'm paying off my debts. I'm learning new emotional skills all the time...and it's great. For a long time I was stuck in trauma and could not learn. And now I can. ;D
And I decided to be kind to dad AND speak up for me and kid to CPS AND stay out of discussions with dad himself AND not tell him vulnerable stuff that he can use. Which feels great. I can see his sweet side. And hope he connects with it more.
I also manage to be there for kid more. Hurray.
I am also... I am absolutely not proud of how I lead my life.
But I am proud that I taught myself all sorts of social and emotional skills. My family is severely disabled emotionally. I see this in my brother. I sought contact. We did not meet for 5 years. And only a few times a year for 20 years before. I asked to talk. He still tells me: you think...you do..you must... You do not deal with dad and kid right. You only blame us. You do not take responsibilty.
He doesn't even know who I am. He nearly never saw me the last 25 years. How on earth can you tell someone you did not see for so long, what they think? And not see it's based on gossip? :stars:
I hate my father. He destroyed me and all I loved. In a way so calculated and sneaky that everyone thinks I am at fault. Even me. Because I know he would not have succeeded. If I had responded better. If I had been stronger. Calmer. More strategical.
I hate him. He used all my own vulnerabilities to hurt me. So I feel guilty and ashamed.
I hate him. I hate him. And love him too. Still.
Also I manage to lead my life while processing this.
I worked all day. It was good. I function like a normal person there. On Tuesday I will hear back from the job interview. I think it is not my job. I basically have to be a nurse. I have to do loads of medical stuff. But I have only two weeks of training. They are short in staff and take in people with no training. I'm interested. But I think it may be too heavy.
I'm traveling into town now. I will get something. And then rest. Clean my kitchen. Cook. Call a friend. I love my friend. I really love her.
I bumped into so many in the caring professionals that were manipulators too...and that hurt us more...that I daren't speak up. There's two systems therapists. I think I can trust them. One I definitely trust. The other I think I trust, but she felt a little more masked. Or in her head rather than feelings. I never really know. I'm always scared to bump into a narc-psychologist. Many of them are. It's a profession of wounded people helping wounded people. It's happened more than once, that a professional turned radically against me, when I spoke up. Either to them or to dad. However kindly. How do I know whom to trust? How? What if a psychologist is a creep? Again? I tried to explain for so long.
If I am silent...I know what I got. I have three days without nights to offer kid a good surrounding. I should make it better here. I suspect dad is golden-childing kid. Not doing what he did me. If I speak, it can get better. But it can also get a whole lot worse. Dad can fight me so hard that I lose my child. The psychologist can betray me. Etc etc. :Idunno:
I don't think I like this world much anymore. I would very prefer if we all just had good sides. :fallingbricks:
I'm confused.
Every time my mind tells me I am the only problem. I saw it wrong. I should return. I should forgive and reconcile.
I refrain from reaching out. But I'm terrified I see it wrong. And it is all my fault. And kid is better off without me. And I'll get a big fat reprimand in the afterlife for not obeying dad.