I have my own journal - many of them actually. I've been journaling every day for more than a year now, so I have plenty of journals full of my emotions and thoughts. This is something new for me. An experiment on sharing my thoughts, reflexions and random trains of thought with people on the forum.
The last few weeks passed in sweet ignorance. I kind of ran away from the reality to the magical world of books and stories from different eras. I enjoyed being part of that, even if just as a guest. I always found solace in books, my sweet and loyal companions through the painful years of childhood and adolescence. I especially like 18- and 19th century novels by my very favourite Brontë sisters and Jane Austen. Their era and world is distant enough to think that I'd be happy there, their stories and happy endings with the good ones winning gave me hope and sometimes illusions of what life and people should be like. So when I felt that everything is becoming overwhelming, I turned to books again.
But this weekend, which was very silent and peaceful - ideal for reflecting on life and death - I started to feel that my stories are not fulfilling my needs anymore. And that I need to return to my life and face my real life challenges.
I knew it's going to be hard. Life is hard. It's a never ending story of fighting your demons, finding new paths and mourning your losses along the way. I thought to myself that I must be a fool to leave my fantasy world behind for this kind of suffering. And I knew that some more suffering may come. But in spite of that I also knew that I need to return. I know that life hurts, but I also know that the things that hurt resurfacing, hurt just as much as living my whole life in denial. So I chose pain from knowledge, not the pain of denial and ignorance.
That doesn't mean I won't read any more books or enjoy the stories of my favourites (I ordered four more books actually 😅), but I don't want to use my passion as a validation for throwing my life away. Escapism can be a sweet poison and I know that very well.
Hi Dalloway,
I think that's a really good insight, that books and stories for you are a form of escapism. I have been reflecting lately on having this kind of "fantasy" life in my mind when I was growing up and going through the hard times. I used to read a lot as well back then. I think it's also something that helped me survive, but you're right, it can't be mistaken for reality. I think sometimes too, it's easier to think that other people are living this "fantasy" that I'm not, or if I would just change my personality a little bit, it would be like the books/tv etc, and it's achievable, but I don't think it's like that. That sort of sounds far off, but I guess that's how I dealt with the pain when I didn't have anyone else around that would/could understand.
I hope thee hurts are a bit easier to deal with.
Sending you support,
dolly
Dalloway,
I agree with Dolly about how insightful it is for you to notice that the fantasies are becoming more difficult to get lost in.
I find myself sometimes missing my ability to hide in my fantasy world. Novels, movies, and imaginary worlds within my head kept me going for a long time, and as I learn more about how to handle the stress of life, those fantasies are losing their potency within me. It's a double-edged sword for me as I'm glad I'm getting slowly stronger each year, but I do kind of miss my ability to get lost in a fantasy story as deeply as I once did.
I'm glad you're getting stronger and not needing the fantasy so much, but at the same time I mourn a little with you that the fantasies are fun and comforting, and I kind of miss them at times.
Dollyvee, I can relate to your comment about thinking that others are living the fantasy life very much. Sometimes it´s very hard to believe that I´m not the only one who is suffering, when there are happy and perfect people with their perfect lives everywhere. Even though it´s not the full picture, it´s something you can hold on to when real life is unbearable. I think I have to find the balance between enjoying the fantasy and staying present in my life. Thank you for sending support. :)
Papa Coco, yes, that´s exactly how I feel at this moment. I remember those times when being in my head was the only way to stay relatively sane and safe from the unbearable pain. I´m grateful for the haven that books and I created to myself and I mourn the loss of that perfect paradise. It reminds me of the loss of innocence in a way that children lose their ability to see the world the way they see it in the process of growing up. It´s really hard to let go of something you loved so much, even if it doesn´t serve you anymore.
It's great to see you here Dalloway!
There's a sweet spot between "what you resist persists" and "what you feed grows". It's messy and it moves. Ultimately, there's no escape from parts of yourself. They will find ways to convey this. If the escape seems very successful and pleasant, it'll feel like something is not right eventually. Mine has the flavor of loneliness, since isolation is my drug of choice. It sure doesn't feel like it, but that pain is an ally in the fight for life. The fight to survive survival. Sure isolation or reading can be part of a good life. It's the dose that makes the poison. :hug:
I'm rereading Jane Eyre atm. I wonder how many of us considered great daydreamers by our teachers were infact displaying signs of CPTSD. Hope you can become the heroine of your own story Dalloway :)
Just to let you know I get it too Dalloway. I'm re-reading Dostoyevski's 'The Idiot' atm, - spoiler alert - the only 'normal' (if there is any) person in the book being 'the Idiot' and everybody suffering btw. Very human.
I think everyone has some kind of escapism in their lives, depending on how much they struggle and how bad they want to distance themselves from their suffering. Creating and reading fictional stories is a way to have something that´s missing from your real life, or on the contrary, remove something that bothers you, so you can ignore it. I agree with SenseOrgan, that the dose is the key here and also the ability to return when it´s starting to cost too much.
I´m glad you also like the "classics" Desert Flower and WabiSabi, I personally never had the courage to dive into the big russian novels of the 19th century, but I read Jane Eyre multiple times and it´s a huge favorite.
I have this recurring nightmare I see in my dreams and also when I'm awake. It's dying with the feeling that life passed me by and I didn't live. With unfulfilled dreams, regrets and chances not taken. This is one of the most terrible feelings I have and it keeps coming back to me. I heard once someone saying that those who didn't live fully fear death the most. I think there's something to it, at least in my case. Every time I think about it, I come near to a panic attack-like state - my heart beats faster and I feel very weak. The thought of dying without living before causes me unbearable pain.
I know this comes from some wicked place and from my traumatic childhood. It's the need of constant validation that I'm not worthless, that I did something that makes me worthy of love and appreciation. As a child, being seen and heard was a life and death question. Feeling now that I didn't do anything that can be seen or heard or smelled or touched, stays a life or death question because of my traumas and the constant EF I'm living in. You have to earn people's love and care - that's what I was taught. So every single day of not doing the earning, is an opportunity wasted to be loved and cared for. I know that this cruel logic of my childhood casts a shadow over my adult life. A shadow so thick and dark and so much stronger than me that I can't help but stay enslaved to it, only hoping that I leave some legacy here before I die.
Every time I try to put my story together to write about my past and everything that led here, I get very confused and then give up this plan. I think that´s because past events and memories are not in logical and chronological order in my head, they don´t create a whole story from the beginning to the end. Those things are not always at the same place and in the same size, they are moving and changing their significance depending on my mental state and the triggers that come and go. I guess it´s "normal" when someone has CPTSD and traumatic memory. No event and memory is a closed file, taking place in the past. Everything is living and moving as if everything happened only yesterday. Nothing is over.
It´s very hard, nearly impossible for me to connect to people on any level. This is something that bothers me very much, since I feel lonely and isolated all the time and I feel the absence of human connection as a huge, dark void in my chest. There are many, many things that make it very difficult. My constant fear of rejection, anxiety about people finding out who I really am and than leaving or hurting me, and shame for everything I am - these are the biggest but not the only obstacles.
Today I feel especially close to this part of my life. Something that happened earlier this day - an encounter with a stranger - triggered in me feelings of shame and sorrow and put thoughts in my mind as "keep daydreaming, that´s all you have left" or "you´ll never find happiness in this life, it´s out of reach for you". I broke down under the weight of all the cruel stuff my mind kept telling to me and the possibility that it could be true, broke my heart.
I often think that there´s so much going on in my life that it´s impossible to find someone who can cope with all that and carry that heavy burden with me. It´s extremely hard for me to open up about myself, about my dreams and fears because of the constant fear of being hurt. I was hurt by the person closest to me, my mother. My mind and soul will never forget the betrayal this meant to me. Keeping distance from everyone and not telling anything about myself to anyone is hardwired in my brain and it´s very hard to change any aspect of it.
Maybe there´s hope somewhere under this burden. Maybe I could allow just a little for someone to help me do this heavy lifting to see what else is under that burden. Hope would be enough for me now.
Thank you for sharing Dalloway. The sentiment is very familiar to me. Even though they can be hard to find, there are people out there who would not hurt you in any way if you shared what you're struggling with. Deep down, everybody want's to connect like that. Certain settings have a much higher likelihood for you to meet kind people. Many people are waiting for others to be vulnerable first. Taking the first step requires courage. It often gives others permission to follow the example. I usually take a long time selecting situations I'd be okay taking a risk in. Exploiting better periods also helps to get some positive experiences of connection and belonging.
Looking back, I've become a lot more open to people in general. I still struggle with the things you talk about, but I can also see I made a lot of progress over the years. It started with giving myself permission to take up the space to talk about myself with a friend. That was normalized over the course of may years, which lowered the bar for other situations, etc.
You truly can not know anything about the future. Those thoughts and fears about it are reflecting how you feel now. It could be an EF. I was in one yesterday. It was really dark and desperate.
Big hug. :hug:
Thank you for the words of encouragement, SenseOrgan. I also think that it was a massive EF because it felt so endless and out of context. I´m doing much better now. Interestingly, this negative experience kind of gave me a boost to take better care of myself and listen to what my feelings are trying to say. I think these thoughts and emotions needed attention for a long time now, and maybe this is the right time to finally listen to and deal with them.
I´m sorry to hear about your EF. I hope it´ll get better, just as mine did. Returning the hug :) :hug:
I'm glad you're feeling better Dalloway. And that it gave you a boost to take better care of yourself. :thumbup:
Wonderful you're doing much better Dalloway! It's good to see you have constructive thoughts around the challenging episode.
I'm currently somewhere in between. Not full blown EF. Not very good either. Still recovering from another sleep disordered night. :stars: Time to start a bit of a workout. :hug:
Nothing scares me as much as feeling better. The past few days were spent in an unusually good mood. Mentally, I felt balanced and at peace. Intrusive thoughts didn´t ruin my whole day, even if they popped up in my mind. So I started to wonder, where did it come from? I can´t identify anything in particular that could lead here. I don´t understand why do I feel better now, just like that. I get anxious when I can´t figure out the answer to something, can´t rationalize the feelings and explain the circumstances. It stresses me out, cause I feel like I´m losing the solid ground.
The other question is: how long will this last? Are we talking about days, weeks or months? I need to know because I want to plan every bigger step and I won´t make big plans if this is only temporary. I´m afraid of failing. And deep down I´m aware that pain didn´t go away. It´s still in me, buried somewhere. I´m not free from suffering and fully healed yet. Maybe that day will never come. Maybe I´ll just learn how to live with the pain.
So this is bothering me now. And sadly, I can´t fully enjoy this calm and hopeful period because my doubts and insecurities are poisoning it. But it´s all part of dealing with CPTSD, I guess. Nothing comes without side effects.
Yesterday - in fact, in the last couple days - I made the first step towards an important thing in my life - I decided to go back to school. I have a profession that doesn´t fulfill my need for meaning and I´ve been pondering doing something that really matters to me. I always came back to the only thing I can imagine myself doing for the rest of my life, and it´s helping others, helping people who need it, who cannot take care of themselves. So I want to get a degree in social work.
They say that people who suffered abuse and/or neglect and were hurt often end up being in helping professions, because they´ve been there and know what does it feel like being alone and then getting help and support. I am certainly more sensitive to the suffering I see than maybe most of the people around me.
I´m scared to start this new chapter. I´ve been passive for so long that now I´m afraid of everything it may bring. Change is uncomfortable for me, because it means abandoning my shelter and becoming visible. It´s scary but it´s also exciting because I know that this is what I want to do. And maybe in the past, when I kept hesitating, deciding, then changing my mind and backing out, I really wasn´t ready. I had to give myself time to learn and heal and maybe now those parts that were holding me back, are healed enough to take this step. I hope for the best.
This is awesome Dalloway! AWSESOME. Such a brave step to take.
It too has come up for me over the years, to somehow make this life's experience of suffering to use for others. It's inspiring you actually are taking steps in this direction. I'm cheering you on :cheer:
Thank you, SenseOrgan, I´m so grateful for your cheering. :hug: I´m scared and excited at the same time, constantly waiting for something to happen and ruin this. It´s so unbelievable that I was finally able to make this step, that I can´t really believe it yet. :Idunno:
That's incredible news, Dalloway. Well done! It's amazing you have been able to take the time to figure it all out, and now can be true to your calling :)
Thank you, WabiSabi, this means a lot. :) It´s not easy for me to acknowledge something that I´ve done, but in this space I feel safe enough to write down that I´m proud of myself. :spooked:
Congrats Dalloway :cheer: Good for you for making a decision about what you want to do.
When I decided that I wanted to do a master's my t at the time said, congrats even if it doesn't work out. If Im remembering correctly, at the time I took that really badly, like what do you mean it won't work out? In the end, I ended up leaving early and it "didn't work out," but it set me on a path making decision for myself when I'd been so wrapped up in what would my FOO think. It was just really, really hard to see that at the time, and didn't sink in for another 13 years. Anyways, I think it was a really important step to do that, even if it didn't "work out," and I think it's great you're doing the same for yourself.
Sending you support,
dolly
Thank you, Dolly, yes, I also think that making the decision itself and deciding to do something for myself is a huge milestone and wherever my journey takes me, this will always remain an important (first) step. :)
The last couple of days I had recurring dreams every night. Those dreams that I know all too well - about people not hearing or seeing me, me screaming and yelling and crying but no one seems to notice or care and about me and my mum arguing and while I´m trying to explain my feelings and my side of the story, she doesn´t listen to me. These dreams are very frustrating and emotionally draining and I often wake up extremely exhausted and crying. Not their presence but the frequency is what surprised me these days. I usually have these dreams once or twice a month maybe, but this time it´s every single night that these dreams come.
So I started to wonder what´s the meaning of it. Not the dreams´ meaning, that I more or less figured out, they´re about my childhood and all the emotional neglect I suffered with the lack of mirroring and responding to my needs. Of course there´s always more space for interpretation, but why now?
First, as usually, I started to blame myself saying that these things are arising because I haven´t been taking care of myself properly, so they needed to warn me. That I neglected myself and all the stuff my inner critic would say. But then I switched the perspective from viewing this as a negative sign and started to wonder, what if it´s not because I don´t take care of myself but cause it´s time to turn to these things. Because now I´m mentally stable enough to face the hidden things that appear only in my dreams yet. Maybe the lessons come when the student is ready? It´s a nice things to believe.
I´m feeling very disconnected lately. Every day I wake up with an uncomfortable feeling that I don´t belong anywhere, that everyone else is happy and connected in their lives but me. I´m sad thinking about all the joy I´m missing out on and all the connection I´m seeking but can´t make work. Maybe it´s a long EF, I don´t know. Something had to happen, something triggering that made me feel like this. And all the feelings that have been bothering me for a very long time, now feel more burdening and more painful. The EF multiplied the suffering. Like the tormenting thoughts about my loved ones suffering and being hurt in the past and my inability to change that or hep them in any way.
Yesterday I was sitting on the balcony and watching my surroundings, the trees and houses and listening to the wind blowing. I felt connected to the stillness of it, but at the same time, I was sad to be alone with my experience. I thought that it´s beautiful but that I can only find solace in things that I experience when I´m alone and that I can´t share this with anyone.
This is my cross that I´m carrying along the road alone. The unchangeable nature of suffering and pain.
Hi Dalloway, I'm really feeling bad for you feeling the way you do. Maybe that's sharing the suffering. It is a big burden we're carrying. But maybe you're sharing it here so you don't have to carry it alone. And we may forgive ourselves for the things we did 'wrong' or didn't do because we were unable/unaware at the time. :hug:
Thank you, Desert Flower, your empathy means a lot. :hug: I feel better today, and I very much agree with you. When I was reading your comment I remembered what I felt writing my post yesterday. I started typing thinking "I want to share this, I want them to know how I feel because I matter to them and they matter to me". It was a shared humanity-kind of feeling and it gave me strength, not only yesterday, but every time I feel bad. It helps to know that I´m not alone in this, that there are people out there writing and reading and commenting and sharing at this moment, too. It really helps. This place has a huge healing power. :grouphug:
Yes, it really helps. I feel that too.
:grouphug:
Hi Dalloway,
I'm sorry that you're feeling that way right now. I understand those dreams and find them distressing, but perhaps your subconscious is helping you deal with some emotions.
I've been listening to some of Jay Reid's videos on the scapegoat child of the narcissist. They've been really enlightening and eye-opening to help understand some of my inner experience growing up. One of the things he talks about is that any kind of self-activation (exercise, frienships, connection etc) actually brings up the feeling of aloneness in the scapegoated child that they had to mitigate because of the narcissistic parent. So, while other people can enjoy those things with ease, it brings up uncomfortable feelings in the scapegoated child that they had to deal with alone. For me, sometime alone feels safer. It's not even a conscious effort on my part either. It's like when a connection presents itself (let's say "positive," or healthy, but outside of the role I knew growing up ie caretaking, and suppressing my own feelings), it's like something in my just shuts down, or mutes as he describes it.
I feel like listening to these videos is helpful to start unpacking this process, one that's always sort of remained hidden in my subconscious reactions.
Sending you support and a hug if that's ok :hug:
dolly
Dollyvee, thank you for the hug and the support. I find it very interesting how those "positive" actions can actually bring up negative feelings and reactions in the traumatized brain/mind. For me it pops up every time I get a praise or some kind of positive attention from someone. I´m so not used to it that it always makes me feel really uncomfortable and it hurts because it reminds me of how I never got positive attention from my M.
I´m still figuring out what my subconscious is trying to say to me and it´s not easy, but I decided to work on this area with my T, so we´ll see.
Today I had an especially tough therapy session. I realized how bad I depend on other people's approval. We were talking about some kind of art therapy that my T wanted to try, but first asked me if I was open to something like that. I always struggled with techniques in which I have to use my imagination and have to think in pictures and symbols. I don't really have access to that creative part of my brain, I tend to rationalize everything and use the power of words over nonverbal tools. So I always feel a little uncomfortable when she asks if I'm willing to try something like that in the sessions. I usually say yes because I can't bear the feeling of saying no to something that's supposed to help me. But today I was overwhelmed by the time the session ended, so I broke down in tears. My T asked me about that and I told her how I felt about saying no.
As a kid I was taught that I can easily get into trouble by wanting or saying something different from what my M wanted me to say or do. She had rules, many of them, some were changing day after day. Nothing I did was ever right and when she punished me, she made sure that I know it's all my fault. By wanting something I risked being abandoned emotionally, to say the least. My M often punished me by simply not talking to me. Can you imagine what that does to a helpless child? She will do anything in order to protect herself from being hurt this way again. She will learn to read other people and know in advance what they want to hear. And every time that now-adult/helpless-child gets into situations that require speaking her mind, she panics and relives the rejection and abandonment. That's why I started to cry - I couldn´t take the stress of not saying what I wanted to say, but neither could I say no. I was afraid that I'll lose my T's sympathy and she will dislike me for saying no. And I was also afraid that she will punish me for saying no because that´s what I learned at home.
It was a painful moment. I realized how deep are some wounds that I´ve been ignoring for a long time. My M really messed with my mind and psyche by doing that psycho-terror. She was unpredictable and emotionally distant, cruel even, when she was at her worst. It hurts so much when I think about that innocent little kid that had to endure all that terrible suffering. I tend to criticize and blame myself for struggling, but today I felt for the first time that it´s absolutely not my fault or as my favourite Gabor Mate says "it´s a normal response to abnormal circumstances". Now I feel deeply connected to my suffering self and feel pure compassion towards the child in me. It was eye-opening and I´m grateful for that.
This is very important and beautiful work you are doing Dalloway. And I can relate.
Quote from: Dalloway on May 07, 2025, 04:11:20 PMI realized how bad I depend on other people's approval.
I did too, a while ago. It's a big step.
And you're right, its natural to need this approval for us as kids. Your little you deserves all the compassion in the world for the suffering she did.
Take lots of care
:hug:
Thank you Desert Flower, your validation means a lot. :hug:
Quote from: Dalloway on May 07, 2025, 04:11:20 PMAs a kid I was taught that I can easily get into trouble by wanting or saying something different from what my M wanted me to say or do. She had rules, many of them, some were changing day after day. Nothing I did was ever right and when she punished me, she made sure that I know it's all my fault. By wanting something I risked being abandoned emotionally, to say the least. My M often punished me by simply not talking to me. Can you imagine what that does to a helpless child?
Hey Dalloway,
I'm sorry you're going through this. My m used to do the same thing to me to punish me and would often give me the silent treatment. Children will do anything that they need to do in order to preserve the relationship with the caregiver because without it, they can't survive in the world. I've been learning a lot from Jay Reid's videos on youtube lately about what this did to my inner world and how it shows up for me now. I think it's been pretty helpful.
Sending you support,
dolly
Thank you for your kind words, dolly. :)
Yes, that´s something I´m thinking about very often and it helps me to make sense of everything that happened to me. Child will choose the attachment over authenticity if she has to, and as tragic as it may sound, it ensures her survival, because at that point, it´s a question of life and death. It breaks my heart that I had to choose, but it´s also a reminder that everything that happened inside of me, had a good reason and it was the best I could do at that time. Nothing was my fault an my SELF loves me enough to try to save my life every time it´s necessary. It helps to think about this those days when I see myself as my own worst enemy.
Something happened to me a few days ago that made me think about some serious issues in my life and made me realize that I want to concentrate on these issues because they are pivotal on my healing journey. There are two things that affect my life in a huge way and they go hand in hand since I was very little.
I have a great difficulty forming relationships and connecting with people. My childhood was very troubled, with my mom being emotionally and physically abusive and emotionally neglectful. The first thing I learned was that the people closest to me are the most dangerous ones and those will hurt you the most from whom you expected the most caring and unconditional love. Human touch and closeness didn´t mean something joyful and positive to me, it was always bad and scary and hurtful. So my brain started to associate these kinds of interactions with fear and pain, not with joy and happiness, as it should have been. I know that´s why I have trouble being close to people now. I don´t find their closeness calming and positive, I perceive it as something that makes me feel anxious and hypervigilant. So every day, in every situation, I´m choosing being in safety, away from people, instead of risking being hurt. My brain is telling me that it´s better this way, we got burnt too many times and too seriously to take a chance on people again. But I also know that I´m not mentally well. I am hungry for connecting to people on a deeper level, for finding soulmate(s), for being able to be in the presence of people without anxiety and fear. So that´s how I know that in fact I´m not okay with being isolated this much. It´s taking a toll on my well-being in every way. I know I want to change that, but I don´t know how.
My other cross I´m carrying is my low self-esteem which I also "inherited" from my mother. From a very early age, I was being told that I can´t do anything right. Everything I did was wrong, insufficient and not enough. Now it´s more or less clear to me why did she behave like that, but now the most important thing is what did it do to me in a long term. It´s no surprise that I grew up to be a person with absolutely no self-esteem, questioning everything I do and jumping to conclusion that I´m screwing up everything. I am convinced that if people knew me well, they would see how fatally flawed I am. I´m coming with a baggage full of trauma and coping mechanisms and learned helplessness. Who would potentially want to put up with that? My brain is sure that I´m not lovable. How could I be, when even my mom wasn´t able to love me unconditionally? It has to be cause something´s wrong with me fatally. Every good thing that happens to me is surely just temporary and everything I succeed in is just good luck (yes, imposter syndrome joined the chat). This is what I own now, this is what the world taught to my brain that my brain taught to me eventually. I had to survive somehow, and the only way I could make it to this day, was believing that I was at fault, not my mom, not my primary caregiver in whose hands my life was, she couldn´t be wrong, that´s impossible, that would create a very scary world for a very little baby and she couldn´t survive that. It was easier to go with this story of me being just basically bad.
So this is the vicious circle I´m in right now: I don´t feel safe around people, I don´t feel comfortable in their close presence, so I stay away and watch them from the distance, yearning for being able to connect with them; the more I am isolated, the more I´m sure that it´s because there´s something wrong with me; the more I´m convinced there´s something wrong with me, the more I fear being close to them. But it works in the different direction, too: I feel that I´m not lovable and bad, so I stay away from people; the more I stay away, the more I´m isolated and the harder it is for me to reach out. Everything is fatally intertwined.
This is not how I think rationally when my prefrontal cortex is in the charge. I´ve learned so much, I´ve read so much, from many smart people, professionals, who know much about the human psyche and the neurobiology of the brain. Something I was able to internalize and with practice, anchor. But my brain is so deeply programmed to believe that a) people are dangerous and gonna hurt me and that b) I´m worthless, that no amount of cognitive work can ever convince it that the opposite is true. And this is the origo I keep returning to: how can I rewire my brain and create new associations that could be possibly stronger that the old ones? I know that the things I learned in my childhood will possibly stay with me all my life. They will fade and weaken and shrink, but they will always be there. So I´m not gonna try to ignore them or suppress them. I wish there was someone who could tell me the secret recipe of making my brain believe that things changed since my childhood and most of them were never true in the first place. I wish my brain saw the outer world and listened to me. I´d tell him about all the wonderful things I´ve learned and all the good people I´ve learned from.
I´m not feeling very well lately. I spend most of my free time watching TV shows to break away from reality so that I don´t have to think about my life for a while. Because when I look at my life, I only feel deep sorrow. I felt like this before - many, many times. The same thoughts keep coming back -- that I haven´t achieved anything and I´m not happy. I don´t know if it´s a huge flashback, lasting three weeks now, but it doesn´t feel like that. I just simply don´t see it leading anywhere and I feel like I´m not doing anything to change that. I´m not content with the state of affairs and I´m very frustrated because there is so much holding me back. And I feel like there is no one I can talk about it because I don´t have people in my life, with whom I could talk about these kinds of stuff without anxiety. I don´t want to go crazy, that´s why I´m protecting myself by doing things that turn my thoughts and attention away from this. Because if I looked this in the eye, I would only see sorrow and pain, an unfulfilled life and lots of dissatisfaction. It´s too hard to try to take it into pieces and dig down to find answers to some important questions. It´s just too complicated, I don´t know where to start. I tend to compare myself to people I respect and look up to and I see that they used their talent to create a meaningful and happy life. This is all I want, too, but can´t reach it and I feel so alone with these feelings.
I wasn´t felling well today morning at work. I was reading something when I got triggered by it and suddenly started to feel very anxious and I was about to cry. Some terrible feelings and emotions started to strangle me, so painful and strange that it´s very hard to describe with words, but it was some kind of regret, for not being "normal", for not having the chance that others had, for not getting fair and equal basis as others who grew up in a more normal, less hostile environment than me. I was mourning the happiness I never experienced and all the losses, too many to count. As I was crying, I started to talk to myself silently, tell myself the story of my childhood, the early times, when I already knew that I wasn´t going to get unconditional love and acceptance from my mother, so I developed the belief that if I´ll work really hard, I´m going to get that love and caring I needed. So I accepted the role of the parentified child who takes care of everything and the needs of everyone, except from her own. I was working very hard because I was convinced that it´ll eventually lead to happiness. I needed to believe in that or else I couldn´t survive my childhood. For a baby to accept that this world is hostile and they will never get the love and acceptance from their mother (because she´s unable to provide that), would be their death sentence. Because they need the love and caring, it´s literally a question of life and death for them. So it was for my own survival to internalize the belief that hard work can change the way my mother connected/didn´t connect to me emotionally. But there is something I can´t fix, no matter how hard I try. I can´t erase the past, can´t travel back in time and change the way I was raised and change all the impact it had on me. And thirty years later, as an adult, I´m feeling this horrible pain, the heartache, the picture that I put together from other people´s lives that is broken now because I can never fix this one thing: THE PAST. And now I´m scared to death because for the baby me it means death, not being able to fix something with hard work and change the way some thing are, means death. I´m doomed and I can´t do anything about it. It´s one hundred percent real, the fear of death is frightfully real. When I quit talking to myself and crying, I felt that I just discovered something very important. I knew it because I started to feel calmer, the anxiety gradually disappeared and the pressure in my body subsided a little. As if I opened a valve and let some air and pressure out from my system. At the core of all, there was the fear of death of the little baby, the real experience of not being able to do what I believe I need in order to survive.
Hi Dalloway,
I wanted to send you a supportive hug, if that's ok :hug: I related a lot to what you wrote in your last posting here in your journal - the powerful impact of the terrible feelings and emotions and their physical effect, and how that's difficult to describe with words, but I think you described it in a way that made it very relateable and clear. I am glad that you were able to open the valve a little, and that you feel some relief from that, but I also very much feel that you acknowledged the fear concerning the potential death of the little baby. I am so glad that you were able to survive everything you've been through, and that you can be here today. :hug:
I hope that nothing I've said here is upsetting, as I read what you wrote earlier today, and couldn't find any words, but I've come back and tried to write something, because I wanted you to know that I related and that I feel support towards you.
Hope
Nothing is upsetting in what you wrote, in fact, I´m grateful for the hug and the support you are sending with your comment. The hardest thing for me right now is that I feel very alone with my feelings and very isolated, so the fact that you can relate to and understand me helps a lot. So as a thank you I´m sending a hug back. :hug:
With a new found strength and energy, frustration and rage appeared in my life again. In fact, they were never gone, just dormant. Now I think about and hate the fact that so much unfairness was done to me almost constantly. I go to sleep and wake with that thought. That so much was taken from me and under different circumstances I would be a so much happier and so much content person. That I had expectations that weren't met and capabilities I couldn't develop. Maybe I'd be someone who loves their life and profession, someone who knows their purpose. I had so much in me and still have but nobody can give me back all the time and all the chances I've lost and no one can serve justice for all those losses and give back the opportunities. I continue to suffer and blame myself for it sometimes, even though I know it wasn't my fault, and it's not fair. I know it's me who will eventually have to make herself whole again but the way I was created just won't let me have peace. I will carry this with myself for a very long time, maybe forever.
I'm sorry you are struggling with frustration and rage. I hope you can find a way to channel those emotions to be helpful for you, or at least not too painful, until they pass. Your post shows that you are actually doing that, even if it might not feel that way, because you are able to state that it was not your fault and it isn't fair. You are right about that.
:grouphug:
Thank you, NarcKiddo, yes, currently it´s an in-between state of mind, in which I already know what´s bothering me and where does it come from, but I can´t do anything specific about it, or at least, I feel like I can´t. But maybe you´re right, maybe I´m already doing something, I just can´t see the bigger picture. Anyway, thank you for your support.
I'm sorry you're struggling with this. I recently got hit with something similar after a very long time. It's okay to be "unreasonable" [at least in your own mind]. It's a healthy response to what happened. Part of the grieving process of the child you were, and the person you are today. It's a bitter pill to see the consequences of such a start, in so many aspects of life still. The freedom from this kind of bitterness is a byproduct of feeling all the hurt. I've had a very good taste of that for many years. I hope you have too. It seems to be a non-linear process. Sending you a big hug :bighug:
Thank you, SenseOrgan, for the big hug, it was very much needed and is very much appreciated. ;D And I think you´re right in that it´s all a byproduct of better understanding my past and its connection to my present. It hurts and it can make me feel really helpless sometimes, but I´m glad that I´m not alone and people can relate. And in the times of more peace and clarity in my mind, I come to appreciate all the things I´ve learned and that I´m moving forward to feel better. It´s still hard when I think about it, but now I feel better about myself and my story. Maybe eventually I´ll learn how to accept and own it with all the stuff, good and bad.
Hi Dalloway, I just wanted to say I'm sorry you're struggling too. Even if you posted this a while ago. I think it's a very natural feeling to have this rage about missed chances or what have you, that's why in my therapy 'the angry child' is one of the archetypes we worked with. What I mean to say is, you're certainly not alone with this. I think you are doing great recognising what's going on inside you. And I hope you can vent it in a non-harmful way.
:hug:
Thank you, Desert Flower. It´s very frustrating to feel those things I wrote about above and now it´s turning against me in a form of a very negative and very critical inner voice. It sucks so much to have these feelings or should I say beliefs about myself and my worth. There are many things that were actively harming me in the past and doing that passively to this day because of their power over me and it´s very hard to untangle from them. I try not to abandon myself and side with that inner critic in mocking me, but it´s very hard.
I find it more and more difficult to concentrate on my personal growth and healing journey in a world that´s falling apart. Everything loses its meaning. It´s hard to find essence in everyday actions. I look around and see the objects surrounding me and creating my personal space, the proofs that I´m here right now, that I haven´t ceased to exist yet. And yet, my heart and soul is aching and this pain is the only thing that assures me that I´m still alive. The absurdity of existing in parallel with the death of thousands is what makes me question my very own existence. Everything feels out of context, in a vacuum, and the context itself is decomposing slowly, too. Where do I stand in this turmoil with my trauma and my deep knowledge of personal loss and suffering? How can I continue to live in a world that has stopped being the place I want to live in a long time ago? Where is my place in all this? Everything loses its meaning. Words don´t describe the pain sufficiently anymore. I can´t be free from suffering. Nobody is free until everyone is free. How can I heal my own wounds amidst the destruction? Where does "personal" end? In my soul, all starts to blend.
Your compassion is beautiful Dalloway. It's brave to keep your heart open in the face of such horror. Bad things flow out of closing it. The very things you refer to are a result of this. It's hard to realize our influence is limited, to put it mildly. It seems absurd to work on personal healing in a world falling apart, doesn't it? Still, I think it's the most powerful and constructive thing we can do when dealing with CPTSD. Every action ripples out from there. It also determines to what degree we can be effective in the world. It has to have priority if we're not in direct danger ourselves, I think.
We can't know how far we'll get, but I think we owe it to ourselves to give it our all. And also to the world (without being grandiose) because none of us is an island. There are things we can influence and things we can't influence. It helps a great deal to focus on the former, however small it may seem. It matters. Without downplaying any of the horrific things going on, we truly can't know where we are even one day from now. Regardless of how things develop, there's intrinsic value in acts of kindness and compassion, no matter how seemingly insignificant. Towards yourself and others.
There are great examples of people not succumbing to cynicism and hopelessness and remaining their dignity in the hardest of circumstances. They showed and show us that it's possible to do what's right even if all the odds are against us. Big and small. The circumstances we find ourselves in sometimes makes us tap into almost super human abilities we weren't aware of. It's not necessarily about getting the outcome we want. More about what we value, even more than ourselves. I recently saw a clip of a Jezidi man singing about the massacre on his people. He was honoring them by keeping the story alive of what had happened. There was an immense dignity in it, even though it changed nothing about the horror. It touched me deeply. He was unbroken.
Much love :grouphug:
ps
If you want to hear the Jezidi man sing, you still can for a week or so, if you have VPN which you can set to The Netherlands. The fragment starts at 2 hours 48 minutes into the show. https://npo.nl/start/serie/vpro-zomergasten/seizoen-37/vpro-zomergasten_15/afspelen
Thank you, SenseOrgan, I really appreciate your kindness in these hard times. Yes, I very much agree with you and this is what keeps me going, even if it sometimes seems so meaningless, that through my personal healing and gaining of wisdom I can make changes in the broader world, too. I try not to forget that in my life I need to be in the first place, especially when it comes to healing the traumas, but this is what motivates me the most, the power of wisdom and healing that I can share with those who need it. Everything I do pretty much points into one direction: to make this world (inner and outer) a better place. My personal journey may be about me in the first place, but I like to think that it also benefits other people because, as you put it, we are not an island. My plan of becoming a social worker, which I wrote about, is also part of this bigger picture.
And it´s already changing me as a person in a positive way. I used to be in my head 24/7 and very much isolated from the outside world. All I cared about was my mental and emotional state, which is of course not a bad thing, only that it cut me off from the context I exist in. But with everything that´s happening, I am changing, too. I would have never thought that I have so much integrity and bravery in me that I´m experiencing nowadays. And you know what? My CPTSD, my personal healing journey and experiences of abuse and oppression (even systemic one, since I´m part of a minority ethnic group in a country where we don´t have equal rights with the dominant group), it all helps when it comes to understanding the issues of the world today. Everything I´ve been and am going through gives me extra understanding and compassion. I used to think about my negative experiences and ACEs as something that shouldn´t have happened (I still do in a sense that it was horrible and would never want it to happen to anyone), but it´s also starting to change and now I can value my experiences as something that helps me be more compassionate and helps me build something better for me and for others.
It can feel hopeless sometimes, especially with all the helplessness I´m experiencing, but it makes me want to integrate the pain into something bigger more.