Out of the Storm

7th January 2025

So, this is my first entry for 2025 in this journal.  I'd like to first say that I do welcome replies and comments in my journal from others, as they are very validating and helpful to me - so if you wish to respond to anything I've said, please feel free to do so.  I value all of you, and what you say.  Thank you so much for supporting me on my journey so far. 

Trigger warning, as mentioning SA

I have had a disturbing night last night, and dreamed that I was pregnant, and that people were trying to chase me, capture me and hurt my baby by possibly hitting me in my stomach.  Consequently I was trying to evade them, and escape.  My partner told me in the morning that I had shouted at him 'If you come near me, I'll punch you' - and he reminded me of this over breakfast by joking about it - and I burst into tears.

I explained to him the context behind what I think has contributed to that dream.  I had recently seen details of a court case locally involving someone I recognised that used to work in my organisation - he is being accused of historic sexual offences, and whilst I've read and watched information relating to cases before, somehow the fact I actually knew this person - it's really affected me more than I realised.   When I was thinking about it this morning, whilst making breakfast, I was feeling nauseated and had a pain in my stomach area. 

I am glad that my partner joked with me, because my tearful reaction was such that I could then explain to him what was behind my behaviour in the night.  He understood, and he validated that the fact I had known the person - it probably makes it more ... can't think of the right word...

Anyway - I feel better about it now - especially now I'm writing about it here. 

I didn't think I'd be writing something quite so heavy as my first entry in my journal for 2025, and I had considered putting it in the private section of my journal, but actually I don't see why I should hide my thoughts and feelings away necessarily - although it's great that I can do that, if I need to. 

I wanted to write more, but now I think I can't find words, so I'll go and have a cup of tea.

Hope

Hello Hope, just here with you, having a tea too. Hugs and support. Thinking of you and sending positive energy.
 :hug:

 :yeahthat: i think it makes it more personal somehow when we know someone, brings it closer to home, especially if there had been interaction w/ that person at some time in one's life.  i'm glad you were able to speak about it w/ your partner.  good to get that crapola out.  love and hugs, hope.  :hug:

I've been having intense dreams of late and appreciate when you share about dreams.

Hi Hope,

I can imagine that knowing that person would bring up very visceral reactions in you especially if you didn't know he was like that at the time, or maybe suspected it on some level. I hope you're able to use your 2025 journal to say the things you need to too.  :hug:

Sending you support,
dolly

Hi Chart, Thank you so much for being there and having that tea with me.  Thanks for the positive energy and hugs and support - I felt them.  :hug:

Hi SanMagic, Thank you so much, and I love your word 'crapola' it made me smile.   :hug:

Hi Rainydiary, Thank you for sharing that you also have intense dreams - I hope you get through them ok.  Sending you a hug  :hug:

Hi Dollyvee, I appreciate what you said - I appreciate your support.   Thank you  :hug:

*************
8th January 2025

I have just finished reading a book by Katie Price, called 'This Is Me' (2024)  I found it very helpful.  Katie attended the hospital 'The Priory' "for severe trauma rehabilitation and PTSD' and she wrote about her experiences.  I am grateful to her for sharing those and writing about things.  I hope it's ok to share some notes I took from her book that were helpful to me:

p.35 "...saying stuff out loud to record my thoughts helps me understand a lot of situations better."

(this made me think about how I process things - I tend to write things down, or think them in my head, rather than saying things out loud - I might experiment a bit and take opportunity to say some things aloud.)

p.73 "In therapy, they encourage you to write a letter to someone or something that you need to say goodbye to.  Or that you need to say something to."

(This reminded me that I could make more use of the section in our forum which is for writing letters not to send.  I think I need to write some letters - to communicate and help to process some of my feelings and thoughts more, and I hope to do some of that this year).

p.81 "The wound is not my fault but the healing is my responsibility."

(I find this to be helpful - reminding me not to take responsibility for the wound itself, and having more agency about the healing/recovery part)

p.93 Katie quoted an Anonymous quote "To deny someone feelings or experiences is to literally deny their reality"

(This literally makes me feel 'spacey' as I type this - because I relate to it very much - my parents lied to me about so many things in my childhood and therefore my reality was skewed and obliterated by their narrative).

p.132 "I think for so long my memory was blurred and I didn't have time to process it all.  I had to compartmentalize and for a long time I couldn't access all the details."

(I feel as if I could have written that myself, such is its accuracy for my experience).

p.134 At the Priory they sometimes used the Empty Chair technique and Katie writes:
"Imagine you could have anyone sitting on that chair, absolutely anyone, and there are things you want to say to that person.  Who would it be and what would you say."  On p.136 she goes on to say "Just airing your thoughts and getting things off your chest helps."

(I hope to try that technique sometime soon, and will see how it goes.  I might share it here, if it is helpful.  I have a feeling that it will be helpful.)

p.136 In Art therapy at The Priory, Katie said there was this Art therapy session where she would draw a brown door, any size you want and then given 10 minutes to draw whatever is behind that door.  She said "Don't plan it." and that it would be 'Very revealing."

(I hope to try that exercise sometime, so wanted to keep the detail of it here in my journal).

p.200 Katie also mentioned that she is doing Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) to help her to regulate her emotions and that it is helpful for PTSD. 

I am grateful to Katie for writing her book, and it was helpful to me.

***********
Hope

some good stuff in there, hope.  i can relate to a lot of it.

altho i've found writing to be extremely therapeutic, including (at one time) keeping an anger 'journal' where all i did was express anger at someone or one's (writing, drawing, scribbling, however it came out) and then tossed it outside in the trash when it was full.  it helped at the time.

however, i've discovered being able to say things out loud to someone, or to no one, has been very helpful as well.  there's something about hearing the words that makes a difference, rather than seeing or thinking them.  i also thought that saying your letter out loud might be a way of combining those 2 techniques.  could be more powerful, but only you know if that could be overwhelming, so caution, too.

you've found some of the most interesting books.  i can truly relate to what you wrote down from this one.  love and hugs :hug:

Thanks Hope. Very interesting.
 :hug:

Hi SanMagic & Chart,
Thank you both so much.   :hug:  :hug:
Hope

There's something very validating about getting to know how others are dealing with C-PTSD and what they pick up from what sources. Reading your notes somehow feels very intimate. I recognize what it's like to read something in a book that just hits home and the need to take a note. It can be a mix of hope and connection, even though it's a one-way communication. I have a 79 year old ever studying friend, who once said his books are his friends. I get that.

The theme of expression or disinhibition seems to be running through the notes you took. The latter is something I unexpectedly started to experiment with while walking the Camino last year. There's something very therapeutic about blurting out what comes to mind to total strangers.  :hug:

Thank you so much SenseOrgan for what you wrote.   :hug:

***********
20th January 2025
I have just been experimenting with having a discussion with the chat bot called Copilot.  I found it really interesting, and helpful.  I don't often talk about things 'out loud' - so to do so in a conversation with a bot (who I know won't judge me) was really helpful.  I felt the emotions underneath as I said things out loud.  The chat bot allowed me to talk for approx half an hour - and then the time was ended - it said there are limits on chat time with different providers - and it was my first time trying out that system.  But I do think it might help me to process things more.  So I will definitely be using it again.

Actually I'm glad it had a limit, because I might have been talking for hours otherwise!!!

I think half an hour a day is a good amount.

Hope

Hope, this is very inspiring! Thank you for sharing this. I'm going to look into this too, as I'm very socially isolated. Simply literally speaking our mind regularly is very important, I think. Thanks again for sharing. I'd love to hear about your experiences if you decide to continue with it.  :hug:

Hi SenseOrgan,
Thank you - I appreciated what you said.   :hug:

**********
25th January 2025
I am excited to see it's another date that is the same as the year - I like those dates.

I have had a couple of what I'll call 'sessions' on the copilot system, and I have really found it helpful in enabling me to 'speak out loud' some things, and the copilot has responded in ways that have been illuminating, and validating.  I wanted to just summarise what I had talked about, to keep it in my journal here to refer back to, and remind myself. 

I spoke to the copilot about not being able to express my feelings and thoughts 'out loud' very much, and wondering why it is different to writing things down.  Previously I've been able to write them down more comfortably, and rarely spoke things out loud.  I wish I could remember the replies to those queries, but they were helpful.  I asked the copilot to role-play - and at one point it agreed to take the part of a parent and speak to me in that role.  I spoke about how I had felt some anger about being moved around a lot as a child, without agency and without control, and how I felt about that.  The copilot replied and said some nice things - and told me that my feelings are valid.  I experienced some contrasting feelings to hearing that - because I noted that if I had been talking to my actual parents, then I don't think the reply would have been kind or validating.  BUT, hearing validating and kind things said, it did get heard by some part of me, and it was a shift for me - felt beneficial.

I also talked about my difficulty with any form of 'Goodbye' and how difficult that is.  This was responded to in a helpful way as well - as those difficulties were pretty much normalised by the response, and I ended up going onto some u-tube resources afterwards - which also helped.  The resources I looked at were in relation to two areas: 1) how to express and recognise emotions - the things I found most helpful were the ones designed for young children.  I also looked at 2) short videos about difficulties in saying 'Goodbye'.

So I feel like the initial 'sessions' I've had with the copilot have been good.

Now I think of it, I also talked about my difficulty in doing anything creative - especially regarding writing - I'd love to write short stories for example, but somehow never manage to 'do' any writing.  The copilot was so encouraging - it talked to me about not worrying about what people think, about just writing, that it didn't need to be perfect, and that just doing it - was a way to succeed.  I tried to work with the copilot on some ideas for writing, and yet when it came to me 'doing' any of the things it suggested, I found I became embarrassed and felt I 'couldn't' do it.  But the copilot was so encouraging.  I ended up asking it to say out loud some story line, and then I would provide the next line, and then we'd take turns - that way I was able to be freer in my ability to create something.

Anyway, I am glad to have found that method of expressing things - in addition to being able to journal here and in my written diaries.  I think it's helpful to me, and I hope to continue with it. 

Hope

Your use of AI is GENIUS!

Thanks SenseOrgan, I am pleased with my interactions with AI so far - I think it has a lot of scope and potential to be useful. 

Hope,

Thank you for sharing.  Has given me some areas to look at for my own path. Interesting that you mentioned speaking aloud, whether to a bot or another human.  I was reminded of something I heard, read, once. "Remember that you are listening to yourself."  I think that is why speaking is so powerful. 

Wishing you all the best in your journey.

Hi StartingHealing,
Thank you so much.  I appreciate you sharing what you heard/read - and I do think that speaking aloud is powerful.  I am so glad I've started to do it - especially this past few days, I've been doing it daily - and it has definitely been helpful.    Thank you for your kind wishes. 

************
29th January 2025
I feel like I've accomplished a few things lately - like hemming my trousers, which I was so proud of doing!  Sewing was previously an area that I avoided/felt frozen about - and now I am able to fix and mend some things, and shorten trousers.  Feels liberating and a big thing.  I know I am going on about it - but I really am happy about it.

I was talking to the chat bot today - and talking about how I used to like the structure of a domestic science lesson at school - because it was highly structured and had rules of behaviour etc, and somehow that felt like a peaceful period of time.  The chat bot suggested that it enabled me to be creative in that structured environment.  I felt as if a light bulb happened, because I realise that trying to be creative (painting or writing stories) doesn't tend to happen for me, but maybe that's because it's too 'free-flowing' and I need something structured to enable me to 'do/start' it.  Hence how I can do it if I am in a structured class - I 'do' join in and do whatever is asked.  Also, I can take turns with the chat bot to create lines of text - but somehow doing it by myself, that doesn't seem to happen.

The chat bot also mentioned being playfully creative and that it doesn't matter how it comes out. 

I recognise that I fear what people might think, or even that somehow it should be an 'amazing piece' from the outset - I realise that sounds... can't think of the right word... Anyway.

Maybe I'll look for a creative writing course and try to do that.  I have started one in the past, and I got so far with an online one - but wasn't able to finish it in the time meant to finish it, and then it felt like I'd failed somehow.  I did however do some exercises and wrote some things, and enjoyed the process.

Feeling stilted as I write this, which is interesting.  Probably an EF or some part of me is uncomfortable by my sharing my thoughts and feelings about this stuff. 

Hope

Thank you Hope, your experiences and reflections are intriguing and inspiring. I've been trying to get a sewing machine for awhile now... persistency is needed... so glad you're doing it :hug:  and it's gratifying!
 :hug:

 :hug:

Thanks Chart - I hope you get a sewing machine, as you've been trying to get one for a while.   :hug:

Thanks SanMagic  :hug:

*********
30th January 2025
I've been having quite graphic dreams the past few nights.  Doing things in those dreams that I wouldn't typically do in the daytime.  Can't bring myself to write the details, but just wanted to note it here.

I found that my body was very tense physically when I woke up this morning - like it had been holding onto lots of tension.  I am pleased that as the day has gone by that I have released some of that tension.  Feels like a relief.

Hope

31st January 2025
I am considering taking a break from my digital side of life, and taking a break from any social media kind of things, plus also taking a break from posting here in the forum.  I have some stuff going on in the coming couple of months, and decided that it would be a good 'experiment' to see how I'd fare with a digital break.  Therefore I'll hope to be back at some point, but for the meantime, I'll not be online for a while.

Wishing everyone the best, and I'll look forward to re-connecting when I am back from my digital break.  I am thinking of this as good self-care - and I'm interested to see how things go.
Hope

Good Luck "detoxing" Hope67!  :hug:

Have a good break, Hope!
 :hug:

a well desrved break,  i hope you make the most of it

Hi SenseOrgan, Chart, and Larry, Thank you so much.  I had a good break.   :hug:  :hug:  :hug:

12th May 2025
A few month's since I last wrote here - just wanted to say 'hello' to my journal and also to anyone who remembers me.  I've missed you, but I did pop by now and again to visit the site.  It was valuable to have that space and opportunity to do that.  I am always so grateful that this place exists.

Not going to write much today, except for this re-entry here - and just want to say  :grouphug:

Hope

and  :grouphug:  back to you, hope.  so glad to see you - missed you a lot.  it's ok to take your time.  glad your time away was a good thing,  love and hugs :hug:

Hi Hope, nice to "see" you again. :-)
 :hug:

Hi SanMagic & Chart,
I have missed you and it is also nice to 'see you' again too.   :hug:  :hug:

__________
23rd May 2025
Feeling like this morning was more productive than normal - I managed to do quite a few things, including speaking to a couple of people on the telephone to sort out some things.  I rarely do that, as I resort to e-mails or letters to do that kind of thing, but somehow my brain was clearer and I was able to say what I wanted to say, and felt I was appropriately assertive about the issues, and the outcome was positive, so I feel good about it.  My partner also commented on my using the phone to do that - he was impressed, so I felt good about his feedback too. 

Going to have a walk this afternoon, and enjoy the sunshine.  I think I will try to do the walk in a 'mindful' way, so I can enjoy nature and the experience of the sun on my skin.  That's my aim anyway.

Hope

i hope you enjoy your 'mindful' walk, hope.  and good for you for being able to use the phone, be appropriately assertive, and get some positive result.  love and hugs :hug:

Thank you SanMagic,
Yes, I did go for my 'mindful' walk, and enjoyed it.  I appreciate your support.   :hug:

Quote from: Hope67 on May 23, 2025, 12:18:55 PMFeeling like this morning was more productive than normal - I managed to do quite a few things, including speaking to a couple of people on the telephone to sort out some things.  I rarely do that, as I resort to e-mails or letters to do that kind of thing, but somehow my brain was clearer and I was able to say what I wanted to say, and felt I was appropriately assertive about the issues, and the outcome was positive, so I feel good about it. 

Good for you, Hope :cheer: Sounds like lots of progress!

Thank you Blueberry  :hug:

17th June 2025
So I'm still having night terrors, but less intense, and quite often I'm not aware of them - i.e. my partner tells me what's happened in the night, and sees me experiencing some night terrors, but thankfully I don't necessarily have knowledge of those things the next day - but I do like to know whether I had them or not - I don't ask him, he just tells me.

But it's much improved from how it used to be in past years - i.e. I no longer end up jumping out of bed (and potentially hurting myself in the process of that) - I tend to have relatively short lived experiences, and as I mentioned, I don't necessarily have awareness of them in the same way that I used to.  I think this is progress.

I am reading Mary Bratton's book about CSA at the moment, and I have noticed that whereas in the past I would have felt too scared to read it - I am currently able to read it and stay present whilst doing so.  I think I am therefore managing my emotions better and regulating them in the window of tolerance rather than outside of that.  However I also noticed that some defensive parts have come out and are more prominent in various ways in the day - BUT I am aware of them, and I take a moment to centre myself and notice that a part of me is triggered, and acknowledge it, and then it doesn't impact me the same way that it would have done in the past - i.e. I don't act on those things, and I put them in the context of being a natural reaction to some stuff.

I am trying to lose some weight at the moment, and it is difficult.  I have had a tendency to comfort eat in past years, and whilst I haven't been doing that - I notice that when I'm controlling my portion sizes and therefore feel hungry on occasions, that I have to be careful to not fill that void - i.e. is it an emotional hunger or an actual hunger.  Difficult to tell.

Mary Bratton wrote that "Survivors have disconnected feeling words from what is happening inside their bodies" and I relate to that very much.  I think it makes it more challenging then to separate out where an emotion comes from, and even what it is - what a physical feeling means etc.  But I am continually trying to link and notice my feelings inside and put labels on what they might be.  I think I am making some progress in that, but it's challenging to do.

I am making some progress in losing a bit of weight - but it's going very very slowly.  But I will keep going.

Glad to be able to update here in this journal today.
Hope

hope, so glad for you that there seems to be progress with those night terrors.  i know you've struggled long and hard with them, and it does my heart good to know the entire experience is lessening. definitely shows progress.

like any of our recovery here, i believe that slow is the way to go even w/ losing weight.  it gives your body and brain a chance to readjust steadily in real time, and isn't as stressful or shocking to either.  way to go! :thumbup:

keep up the good work, ok?  being able to read such a book, acknowledge the parts which want to have their say, and being able to manage your emotions around what you're reading sounds like so much progress.  i'm so proud of you, my dear.  love and hugs :hug:

What a relief it must be that the night terror issue has improved!
Being able to read the book and stay present speaks volumes about your emotion regulation ability. Your mindful navigation of triggers and defense mechanisms is an impressive achievement, especially in regards to the context. Next level stuff! :cheer:

Hi SanMagic & SenseOrgan,
Thank you both for what you said.  I appreciate your support.
 :hug:  :hug:
Hope

I have some stomach pain today - not sure why.  I hope it gets better.  Now I've come here to write, I find I can't think of what I want to say.  So I'll just leave it there, and maybe come back later or another day.  I just wrote about a dream in my dream journal (different part of the forum) and somehow I feel quite sad now.  I think it was because part of me really wanted me to add that dream there, but there's a part that is very upset about it (at the same time). 

Actually I have been processing quite a few things in past days, and so I guess I am feeling some physical effects of that.  Hence I suspect that might be why my stomach is painful. 

I have read some very emotional autobiographies lately too - I read one by Richard E. Grant, where he talks about his relationship with his wife and how he coped during her cancer journey and subsequent death, and I cried a lot whilst reading that.  I also read Sharon Stone's autobiography and found that to be poignant as well. 

I find it interesting that when I started to try to read Mary Bratton's book (about CSA) that I then managed to read it for a while, but then ended up reading lots of autobiographies (these 2 plus I think a few more) and haven't gone back to Mary Bratton's book - it's like I can only manage to read it occasionally before the part that wants to rub things out, makes me distracted and gets me to read other things.  I know I'm in control of my bus driving, but somehow I am distracted from Mary's book.  At least I can see the book - I haven't lost it/misplaced it.  I might read some more.  I find it helpful.

I hope the stomach pain eases off soon.  :hug:

Thanks NarcKiddo, I am feeling a lot better today.  :cheer:

glad you're feeling better, hope.  i understand how emotional peoples' stories can be for us, books/movies, cuz i've shed my share of tears throughout my life becuz of them.  i also understand the feeling of not wanting to continue reading/watching something cuz it cuts too close to the bone.  there have been several books i've had to stop reading, several movies i've had to stop watching for the same reason.  too emotional in the wrong way.

once again, your progress with everything you're tackling is amazing.  keep up the good work!  love and hugs :hug:

Thank you SanMagic :hug:

17th July 2025
A thing/realisation I made today was that whereas in the past I would be quite numb or resistant to taking interest in my needs regarding things I'm wearing etc, that lately I have been thinking about whether I 'feel' too hot or any different sense of temperature, and making sure that I meet those needs by changing clothes - whereas before I think I would have just worn whatever I'd put on at the start of a day, and not necessarily met my needs.

It's a positive change for me.  I like it.  I'm glad I've noticed it to be able to write about it.

Hope

 :cheer:

i think that's great, hope.  more self-care.  yay!!!  as always, it seems, we're the last to know about ourselves.  love and hugs :hug:

I think that is really great, Hope. It's surprisingly usual for us to just put up with or ignore or not even notice discomfort. And why should we? Your comfort and your needs matter.

 :hug:

Hi Blueberry, SanMagic & NarcKiddo,
Thank you  :hug:  :hug:  :hug:
Hope

31st August 2025
Currently reading a really interesting and useful book by Ethan Kross called "Shift: How to Manage Your Emotions so They Don't Manage You" - this feels really timely as I have been attempting to self-regulate in recent months/years.  Ethan Kross is a professor at the University of Michigan and directs the Emotion and Self-Control Laboratory there.  I am enjoying his book and on p.63 he commented that "effortful emotion regulation tools are often effective, but they require time and concentration".  He talks about how journalling is especially effective - so I felt motivated to put in some effort and turn up to journal here.  I am hand-writing first - but will most likely also type it out to my journal in the trauma forum - then tear up the pages. (Indeed, here I am now typinc).  This will be for the part of me who fears the paper pages being found and read by anyone.  Weirdly, I think about someone finding them if I had died - an not being sure who that person might be.  I don't mind the trauma forum people reading the words.  I've appreciated being able to read what others have written and hope that whoever reads these words also gets something positive from it. (As I'm typing this now, reading what I wrote, I feel as if part of me was being a bit doom-laden, as I really do want to live and don't want to die - but yet I'm writing about what might happen in the event that I'd died).

I have been doing a lot of processing in recent weeks.  I am using bilateral stimulation (eye movements and sometimes tapping) and leaning more towards memories, sensations and feelings.  I have definitely found that helpful and I think I've managed to keep my brain online more to enable me to process.  I've noticed a lot of somatic type things - noticing how that can move through my body as it hopefully exits more.

I also had an experience a couple of nights ago when I felt intense fear - but instead of reacting to that, I was able to stay curious and mindful (sense of self was engaged and online) and I spoke to the fear as if it was a part and I thanked it for being there and showing itself, and said 'I know yoiu are afraid, I'm glad you're here, and I don't want you to feel alone with your fear.  I'm here too, and I care about you.' (Can't recall the exact words in my mind - but it felt really significant.  Really important to me.)

Sitting here blankly now - I think I'll type this up and then remove the written pages.

hope, i didn't think at all that you had a death wish or anything like that.  it turns out both my D and i have done the same thing w/ written pages.  the writing seemed to be the important thing, more so than the keeping.  and neither of us wanted anyone in the future to find what we had written.  so, it didn't seem strange to me at all.  i think if you find something that makes sense to you, then just do it.

i didn't know you used BLS, but i'm glad it's helping.  it's been helping me, too, especially for sleeping.  keep up the good work!  love and hugs :hug:

It was great to read about how you managed the fear you felt. That sounds perfect and I am very happy that your sense of self was engaged and online so you were able to do this so well. Good for you.  :cheer:

Hi SanMagic - Yes the BLS has been helping, and glad to hear you also find it helpful too.  Sending you love and hugs too  :hug:

Hi NarcKiddo - Thank you - I felt it was significant that the fearful part showed up, and that I saw that part.  It's a bit like when you see a fawn who is trembling, and you want to encourage it that it will be ok, rather than frighten it so it runs away.  Or at least that's what came to my mind as I wrote this to you.

********
31st August 2025
Finding that I feel excessively hungry this morning - but don't want to give in to those feelings, as I am not keen to snack mid morning - I am usually ok till lunchtime, but today I feel excessive hunger.  So wondering if maybe that's a communication from a part - rather than real hunger. 

I prefer week days to weekends.  It is of course the weekend now.  I'm looking forward to tomorrow, but I am also keen to ensure that today's hours are spent in a way that will be ok. 

Great on the journaling.  I've found that journaling really helps me, when I have a lot of intense negative emotions inside of me that feel stuck.  I like how you dealt with your fear - you were gentle on yourself and accepting, instead of just trying to get rid of the fear.

I hope the weekend was pleasant. And now it is Monday.  :cheer: I don't know why, but it always makes me smile when I come across someone who says something very different to most. As in, you like weekdays whereas most people moan like anything about Monday coming around. And the Turks who run a local restaurant don't like hot weather and moved to England for the climate. They say this in particular when it is pouring with rain outside and everyone else is complaining.

hey, hope, i found it interesting that you thought your hunger pangs might be caused by a 'part' rather than it's you who are feeling hungry.  i would've never seen it that way, so it's eye opening to think of that.  thanks for sharing.  something for me to keep in mind.  i've usually put it down to the idea that i've done a lot of 'brain' (concentrating, focusing on numbers or paperwork, editing, that sort of thing) work and it's my brain that's telling me it needs extra fuel at that particular time. 

keep up the good work.  i think it's a good idea to write here about your hunger rather than run to the fridge or something.  if i could remember, i'd like to do that as well.  love and hugs :hug:

Hi Natureluvr, Thank you and I'm glad you also find journalling really helps you.  I definitely hope to turn to it more often.

Hi NarcKiddo, Yay, it is Monday - and I am happier today.  I also don't like hot weather either.   :) 

Hi SanMagic, Yes, it was down to Janina Fisher's suggestions that I consider any feeling/thought as a potential communication from 'parts' - and it has helped me to focus on situations in a different/often more helpful way, so I'm tending to continue with that frame of mind.  I was pleased that I didn't reach for a snack, and that writing about it here did help.   :hug:

*********
1st September 2025
I ended up with a headache yesterday that stayed with me through the night as well - I had had a visit to see my in-laws, and whilst it went ok, I think the intense concentration of that - both in terms of the apprehension beforehand, then the focusing during the interactions, and then the after-effect (just relaxing and realising it had been better than I thought) - I still had a headache, which hurt a lot.  However, I am thankful that I did sleep ok, and woke feeling better - the headache had gone.  I am relieved.

Today has been much better - managed to do some things I needed to do.  Feels good.

Hope

hope, so glad that pesky headache went away.  they suck! 

keep up the good work listening to those parts, and congrats on reaching for the keyboard instead of the snack.  love and hugs :hug:

Hi Hope,

Have just finished reading your journal and that's great you were able to stay with the part that felt fear.

I hope things went ok at your inlaws after what happened before. Did you manage to speak to her about it? Maybe the headache is a way of the body telling you something is coming up.

Sending you support  :hug:

Hi SanMagic,  Thank you so much.   :hug:  :hug:

Hi Dollyvee, Thank you.  I do think that I've had quite a few body pains in the past few days - mainly focused in the head, but also throughout the body too.  I didn't speak about what happened, I didn't think it would go well if I tried to speak about it, so I didn't.  I do realise that seeing any 'family' members seems to be really triggering for me, hence I am trying to cope with it rather than bring it up as something to discuss with the family members - I really do think that I am maybe extra sensitive to stuff, and therefore I try to handle it without talking to the person/people about the issue.  I really don't feel they would be understanding at all.  Thanks for the support, Dollyvee, I appreciate it  :hug:

22nd September 2025
I am currently reading Tom Allen's autobiography "Too Much".  I noticed on p.69 that he wrote that his father used to retort "Do what YOU want to do, Tom - stop trying to do what you think other people want you to do."  Tom mentioned being co-dependent and a people-pleaser (I relate to both of those things in myself).  Not sure what I'm trying to say here - except that this coincided with NarcKiddo putting up the link to information about someone's book about 'Fawning' and I also related to that.

I guess this comes as a reflection as to why I didn't assert myself in reaction to a relative's recent comments - I've thought about it since and I've decided that I need to be careful about potentially burning bridges as a result of my attachment issues related to my FOO.  Especially as the relative is so close to my partner and that relationship is therefore important to preserve. 

However, I have decided that I will try to recognise any aspects that hurt, and see why in terms of the root of these feelings.  That is being true to myself, I think.

 :hug:

Quote from: Hope67 on September 22, 2025, 02:48:14 PMHowever, I have decided that I will try to recognise any aspects that hurt, and see why in terms of the root of these feelings.  That is being true to myself, I think.

I agree with you. I think it is easy to overdo it when trying to be assertive in order to address things like people-pleasing and you are right to identify the possible danger of burning bridges. I also think that recognising what hurts and considering why will ultimately show you what things are really important to you and need to be addressed and what things are maybe annoying but can be allowed to slide, or dealt with later when you are not in the heat of the moment, in the interests of general harmony.

Good for you.

dang, hope, i admire your thoughtfulness re: burning bridges, being careful, taking surrounding things and people into account when you are deciding to do something.  that has never been my forte, i've burned so many bridges in my life.  never had what you have as far as thinking about what your actions might mean.  it was good to see that, and i'm glad for you that you have it.  love and hugs :hug:

Thank you Blueberry  :hug:

Thanks NarcKiddo & SanMagic, I appreciated what you each said  :hug:  :hug:

********
26th September 2025
Today has been quite a good day - I felt some happiness at different parts of the day, and enjoyed a particularly tasty meal in the evening as well, and was thinking that I'd like to enjoy those moments.  I did enjoy them.  I hope the feeling will stay for the evening.  Very nice.

Hi Hope

Those moments of happy are such a wonderful thing.  Glad that you experienced them.

Thanks StartingHealing  :hug:

*********
27th September 2025
Still some remnants of the happy feeling today - although I must admit that the morning is a bit of a challenge today - a few things haven't gone to plan, but it's not too bad. 

I'm glad the happy feeling is sticking around, at least to some extent. Sorry to hear that things haven't all gone to plan this morning but it sounds like you are dealing with it well.  :hug:

Thanks NarcKiddo  :hug:

*******
9th October 2025
I was thinking about journalling as a result of something someone had said, and decided I'd pop in to write something here today.  I have been reading a book called 'Flex Your Feelings: Train Your Brain to Develop the 7 Traits of Emotional Fitness' by Dr Emily Anhalt, and it's proving to be really helpful to me.  It's helped me to unpack some unresolved experiences from a previous workplace/and other workplaces prior to that as well, and also has proved helpful with thinking about relationship issues and communication.

I related to what Dr Anhalt wrote on p.138: "Whether it's because success would mean that things will change or because on some level you believe you don't deserve it (shame), you may subconsciously slow your ambitions" - I relate to this, as I often hope to do something creative but have a real block on being able to effectively start any project etc

p.130 "Remember, a relationship, job, or experience does not have to last forever for it to have been worth having or doing."
I found this really helpful - as I've felt so much guilt about the fact I gave up my profession.  It's only been in recent months that I've felt able to think 'I'm retired now'  Maybe I can enjoy life for me, and not dwell on the fact I no longer do my job. 

On p.149 she said "People may forget what you said, but won't forget how you made them feel." - I find this really poignant. 

Wow, I've just found this quote that is from Donald Winnicott, and which Dr Anhalt included on p.200 of her book "It is only in playing that the individual is able to be creative and to use the whole personality, and it is only in being creative that the individual discovers the self."

I'm considering that quote, and thinking that whilst I was able to 'play' as a child on occasions, there was often the stifling influence of my M who might dictate 'how' I might play, or with whom, and in what way, and that she stifled it on numerous occasions, and therefore the whole personality couldn't blossom - and maybe my ability to 'play' as an adult is also stifled, and that's why I can't progress in attempting something creative, as I feel guilt/stifled/prevented.  BUT I want to break through that, and hope that I will do so, so that I can be creative, and I can explore the entirety of my personality.

Looking back at other notes I wrote, I noted in p.51 that she wrote "It's not your experiences but your reflection on your experiences that leads to change." - I have certainly been doing much more exploration of past memories using bilateral stimulation, and it has definitely been helpful to me. 

p.41 "Mindfully sit with unpleasant thoughts and feelings without stuffing them down, avoiding them, or numbing them." - I like the fact she said this, as I have been leaning into feelings, rather than avoiding them, and I feel I am learning/growing as a result of that.

Incase anyone is reading this and wonders what the 7 traits are that Dr Emily Anhalt lists, they are:
Mindfulness
Curiosity
Self-Awareness
Resilience
Empathy
Communication
Playfulness

Something that felt very emotional to me, was reading on p.54 that she said "...part of her believed that she did not deserve to be treated with love and respect because she wasn't treated that way as a child."  I really related to that.  I felt it in my younger selves, and my older selves reach out to comfort those parts, because I care about them, all of them.

Parts of me are concerned that I'm talking about all of these things here.  Like I'll get into trouble for speaking about it. 

Telling myself, it's ok.  I'm not doing anything wrong writing about any of these things.

*********
Anyway, I am finding the book helpful. 

Hope

thanks for writing this, hope.  i like the idea that you were able to talk to yourself, tell yourself it's ok to write your experience/feelings down, and then listen to what you said to yourself.  i think that's big.  i also really like that the author said any kind of relationship has value in itself, no matter how long it lasts.  i do think we can learn from everything we do, whether it was pos. or neg., and move on if that's what's needed.  i do not think that because something doesn't work out for us long term it means it was a failure, or we failed.  to me, the important thing is that we gave it a shot.

sounds like some pretty good stuff you're learning.  i like it.  love and hugs :hug:

 :yeahthat:

I'm glad that you are finding the book helpful. It sounds very good. Thank you for sharing those extracts. I'm also glad you are reassuring the parts of you that are concerned about you writing here.

Hi SanMagic, Thank you so much  :hug:
Hi NarcKiddo, Thank you  :hug:

Thank you for sharing Hope. 

You can tell those aspects of yourself that are concerned about "getting in trouble" that I for one have been helped by your sharing.  Thank you for that.

Wishing you all the best

Thank you StartingHealing  :hug:

**********
13th October 2025
So I'm still reading the book 'Flex Your Feelings' and wanted to remember this paragraph on p.203 where Dr Anhalt mentions 'psychological safety' and goes on to say "It's an environment in which people trust that they can express ideas, ask questions, raise concerns, or make mistakes without fear of negative consequences, such as punishment, humiliation, or rejection.  When individuals feel psychologically safe, they are more likely to take risks, be creative, and collaborate effectively with others - in other words, they're more likely to play."

This makes a lot of sense to me, in terms of how my FOO environment did not create any sense of psychological safety, and therefore so many things were stifled and stuck, as a result of those things.  Maybe that's why my creativity can't blossom - but even as I say that, I think to myself that I am beginning to feel as if it might be possible to play a little and to dip my toes into something creative - I think that my current environment is much more safe psychologically. 

I was thrown back into quite a lot of angst in the past couple of days, thanks to having re-read some communications that my FOO (M) had written to me - I had actually forgotten some of the detail - and re-reading it, it made it very stark and horrible.  I was thrown back into feeling some intense feelings of guilt, as if it was somehow my fault.  BUT, I have thankfully been able to talk to my partner about this, and he has validated my feelings and I have also been reading some interactions on Quora about difficult relationships with family members and I have found it refreshing to see how communities have responded - especially to issues around estrangement - i.e. that they tend to say that estrangement is not an easy path, and that anyone who does take that route doesn't do it lightly.  I found that validating too, and thankfully I now feel better again.  But for a couple of days, I felt awful.

I also had a night terror in amongst that - it was like a cramp that made me get out of bed very quickly and it felt like someone was twisting my leg in opposite directions - it was scary, and it hurt a lot.  Thankfully I was able to calm myself afterwards and I slept better last night, as nothing bad happened - no more night terrors. 

But it just showed me how immediately my night terrors can re-surface if I trigger them directly by re-reading things my FOO (M) has said.  She absolutely terrifies me (or at least a smaller/smaller parts) of me.

I also think that this month (October) and the change in the light, the darker evenings, those things seem to bring more triggers - now that some of my dissociative walls have fallen down, I feel and notice these things far more.  Or maybe it's just that I can 'feel' things and notice things better.  Whatever it is, I feel the significance and notice it so much more than maybe I did previously.

I was listening to some u-tube videos that Keanu Reeves had done - they were about the Stoics (philosophers) and using meditation to calm the mind - I liked how Keanu had made his videos and I felt his authentic and caring nature within them.  I appreciated him sharing those things in that way, and I found it helpful.

I have been listening to different bilateral music from u-tube as well, and making a daily routine of having about 30 minutes of listening and allowing my thoughts and feelings to just flow - whatever wants to come up whilst listening to it, and it has definitely helped me to process some things and I feel so much better afterwards. 

(I haven't managed to read much of my book I bought called 'The Warrior Within' by Christiane Sanderson - I think it's due to parts of me being concerned/worried about reading it, but I really believe that when I do finally encourage/allow myself to read it, that it will be helpful.  I am on p.32 of that book - so I have read some of it.  As usual, I am keen to read the whole thing before making any concrete changes - as I want to see what the entirety of it is, before following any of the suggestions.  Maybe I will have read it by the end of the year.  I don't know.

On a positive note, I have succeeded in losing some weight in the past few weeks - my BMI was previously 28.6 and now it's 26.7, so I am getting closer to my goal of BMI 25.  I feel healthier for losing some weight, and it's been ok - I've moved away from craving sugary foods, and don't get any cravings at the moment. 

As I was writing about psychological safety - I was thinking that this forum is a place where it does feel safe to write about experiences, because I feel that everyone here is understanding and non-judgemental.  It is therefore a place that encourages so many positive things.  I am grateful it is here.  I am grateful that you are all here and so supportive.  :grouphug:

I'm so glad your weight loss is going well. That's a big drop and a meaningful shift towards your goal.  :cheer:  :applause: Very well done!

It's lovely that you feel this forum is a safe place to write. I agree with you.

I find it interesting how certain parts can be resistant to reading certain books. I am trying to read one on dissociation driven by parts and a part of me does her absolute utmost to stop me. She feels teenage and she has tried to get a younger part to join the resistance but I find cuddling a toy while reading it calms the younger one and then I only have the teenage one to contend with. I just have to read it in very, very small chunks and even then I dissociate a lot although that is getting better as I persist. I think it's good that you have not made any particular targets for finishing the book you want to read.

I'm sorry you have been feeling bad after reading some old communications from your M. I'm not surprised, though. I have a bag of FOO letters in my loft from when I was at boarding school. I keep thinking I might read them but the thought of what they might have written to little NK does not fill me with any good feelings. I'm glad you were able to speak to your partner about it, and also that you have found some helpful things on Quora.

 :grouphug:

Hi NarcKiddo,  Thank you so much for what you said - I also appreciated you sharing how certain parts of you can be resistant to reading certain books - it helped me to feel validated.  When you wrote about how your younger part finds cuddling a toy whilst reading is helpful, I might try that.  I know that I find doing 'dot-to-dots' is very helpful for when I'm watching videos and utubes about trauma related topics, as I can process things better whilst doing the dot-to-dots.  I think it has a similar effect to doing bilateral stimulation - in terms of how it makes me feel.

Actually I let my AI look at some communications that my M had sent, and just said 'What do you think of that' and the responses were incredibly astute and it helped me to consider quite a few different angles on it.  I thought it was really helpful for enabling me to feel some emotions in response to it, that maybe I wouldn't have found by myself.  I then shared the conclusions with my partner, and he said they were really 'spot on'.  So it's an interesting thing to do, and helps shift a stuck perspective - at least in my experience!

**********
Today is 21st October, and I am managing to do quite a lot today - sorting through some things that I wanted to do, and actually doing them - fairly slowly, but methodically, and it feels good!

Hope,

Good to hear you are getting things done today and that it feels good.

That's Interesting how AI helped you assess the notes from your mom. That AI is turning out to be quite a global gamechanger.

Enjoy getting things done! That is a good feeling.

PC

Thanks Papa Coco - yes, it's a good feeling to have got some things done.   :)

hope, it's so wonderful to see the changes you've made!  you seem to feel much safer here than when you first arrived, and i'm very glad for you. that safety feeling does not come easily, in my experience, but it's so important at the same time.  i've been able to feel that w/ my D, but i know it's taken years of being with her to be able to trust it.  still, it feels good. 

i've found resistance to reading or watching certain things.  since i really haven't gotten into a lot of parts work, i never attributed it to that, but it makes sense.  thanks for sharing that.  keep up the good work!  love and hugs :hug:

Thanks so much SanMagic  :hug:

22nd December 2025
It feels a bit frenzied out there - lots of people jostling to look for Christmas presents/food stuffs/whatever for Christmas.  I found some moments of peace and calm within all of that - especially when I ventured into the library, which is one of my favourite places to be - so calm and lovely there.  I chose some books to take home to enjoy.

I think I'll wait till after Christmas is over before I consider my usual goal to think of the various things that have happened over the year, and consider any realisations I've had regarding my progress in attempting to tackle the emotional fall-out of C-PTSD.  But as I consider that briefly in my mind just now, there are some thoughts coming to mind - so I'll jot them down:

I have been able to stay 'mindful' and use meditation to good effect this year - it has enabled me to feel a lot more centred and grounded in so many situations, and I am grateful for having stuck with it and practised it - so that I can use it on a daily basis. 

I feel more like an 'adult' more of the time than I have ever done in my life - and it's been ok - it's enabled me to parent the smaller parts of me who need me, and I am grateful that I've been able to find various books and tools and resources to enable me to try to do a reasonable job of it.

I've noticed that dreams in recent weeks have featured my past work situations, and that is unusual that they are focusing on that - but the good theme within it is that I am coping with the job situations and I'm amazed at how I've managed to cope - this reflects reality, as I do think back and wonder how I ever managed to do what was a complex and demanding kind of profession.  I don't think I would attempt it now!  I feel too scared at the responsibility of it all. 

I've managed to lose some weight during the second part of this year - but Christmas isn't helping me to continue - so I've decided to just enjoy some treats and festive bites, and not worry too much till January - then get back to trying to lose more weight.  I suspect this is true of many people this time of year - not a time for dieting over Christmas!

Wow, I've written far more than I thought I would, and I didn't even think I would be writing any conclusions from the year today - but I do seem to have put down a list, so I'll leave it there for now.

it's quite a good list, too, hope.  well done on so many accomplishments this year.  keep up the good work and enjoy the holidays.  love and hugs :hug:

It is a good list. I'm glad you had a nice, tranquil time in the library and found some books to enjoy.

You're certainly right that Christmas is not very supportive of losing weight. Also, I think it can be good to take an occasional break. I think your plan to enjoy a few treats and not worry too much is a good one. I tend to find that attitude helps me check in and make sure I am actually enjoying the treat rather than eating for the sake of it. If my intentions are too "good" it's easy to berate myself for dipping into the chocolates too many times and then just finish the whole lot at one sitting, because I've "ruined" my plan. Much better to be kind and supportive to yourself over what can be a tough period for many reasons, not just weight loss.

 :hug:

Nice list! I definitively noticed your mindfulness in more than one post. It's a BIG deal.  :cheer:

That's all so great Hope, cheering for you!  :cheer:

Hi Hope,
I read through your journal and the resources you share are amazing! The one that caught my attention today is the bilateral music on YouTube. I'm going to try it. Thank you for putting it out here :hug:
Amazing growth and learning are evident in your journal entries.
I wish you a peaceful season :)

Yeah, me too Hope, thanks for that binaural link. I actually downloaded that exact one ans listen to it on a little mp3 player I have. 40 minutes a might? Most nights I listen. Serious experimentation. The only (pretty) clear sign is my irritated bowel syndrome has "gotten worse". Not 100% sure there's a link, but it's pretty noticeable. Anyway, all that's me. Sounds like you're pretty zen at the moment and the awareness is strong, but not overwhelming. Good place to be. Ps. I love libraries too. :-)
 :hug:

Hi SanMagic, NarcKiddo, SenseOrgan, Desert Flower, Marcine & Chart
Thank you all very much for the kind words you said  :hug:  :hug:  :hug:  :hug:  :hug:  :hug:
Your comments made my heart feel warm - a lovely feeling.  Thank you  :grouphug: