09.03.2024
I have noticed the last couple days that I have had this overwhelming desire to cry & I'm not even sure why - it's not necessarily connected to any conscious thoughts that I'm aware of. I *know* it's ok to cry and I have given myself little moments throughout the day to let the tears come but I don't want to be consumed with sadness...
I think I'm afraid of my tears/sadness - like it says something about me which in turn others also think about me and then eventually I lose connection. Even that doesn't fully resonate though
& then the swirl begins
I'm still learning to hold onto the tension of being with my emotion verses digging deep to understand the origin of the emotion. I guess I still desperately want to rid myself of any "negative" or "bad" emotions (for unknown reasons).
This healing stuff is hard
It is hard to heal and navigate all these things. I appreciate you sharing your thoughts. I've also wanted to cry a lot lately and sometimes have but often it feels stuck. I like getting to the root of things and sometimes it feels like I can't.
i've struggled w/ finding/expressing my emotions as well, lostwanderer. it can be difficult but i also know it's doable. maybe not in a straight line, but just a little bit at a time, gain it, lose a little, gain some more. hang in there, ok? sending love and hugs, if that's ok w/ you. :hug:
thank you for your support, encouragement & kind words @rainydiary and @sanmagic7 - it means more to me than I have words to express right now
09.04.2024
I woke up angry this morning. And probably confused too. I do wonder if I just woke up in an EF and I think I've actually been in one for a few days.
I have tried all the things I know to get out of it/bring some relief. My intention in that is good but I can see how that could be really dismissive of my inner kiddo too. It just feels so incredibly uncomfortable for me and for everyone else around me (not helpful for my codependent tendencies).
I can tell that my inner critic is kicking in HARD right now too.
******** (edited to add more)
I am feeling like such a failure and a screwup. My sib, who I'm currently living with, came down from work (they work from home) to have dinner. While doing so they asked if I wanted to join and I said I'm not sure my heart can take it. There's context that would make this make more sense but I'm not sure I have the words or the energy to explain it all right now.
They made dinner and ate in silence on their phone while I sat reading the forum - talk about awkward. All the while all this stuff is starting to swirl up inside of me and now I'm having a full-blown meltdown... inner critic thoughts, outer critic thoughts: "I shouldn't have ever come here" "I just make things worse" "It's inevitable that they'll kick me out" "They'll see that everyone else was right to kick me out/push me away" "I'm the problem"
I'm not sure I know how to do this whole conflict thing without it throwing me into a massive EF (which I seem to be living in at the moment). I feel like I should just live in a hole away from everyone for my good and for the good of humanity.
But at the same time I so desperately want connection and to be wanted/invited. It feels like I'm pushing away the very thing I want with so many rules and I'm just questioning everything.
09.05.2024
Today has been a more peaceful day but I am feeling grief.
This whole situation with my sib has been really difficult for me to maneuver. A few times during some of our conversations they have said to me that they can't meet my needs. Which has been confusing because I don't think what I'm needing is that difficult. I'm just not sure my sib realized what they were saying yes to when they said I could stay. It's obvious to me from the outside that my sib just doesn't have the capacity in general for much of anything and I'm not sure they have come to full awareness of this yet.
All that to say, I woke up this morning feeling like I have to let it go. I'm still not sure what my sib was imagining life would be like when they invited me in but if I'm understanding correctly it's that we will both just do our own thing and if we end up connecting then we connect - no intention behind it just happenstance.
That hurts my little kiddo heart... to feel like my sib's want for connection and relationship with me is left up to chance. Especially because I know that I do have deep wounds in this area too. It feels like a lot to carry. But I do feel peace. I can feel my inner critic creeping in at times though when I choose to make decisions that are best for me knowing that it's disconnected from my sib (and knowing that they'll potentially have feelings about it).
This all feels kinda swirly like it doesn't make sense but I just needed to vent it out.
I feel peace but I'm really sad about it too. And I'm disappointed in my sib. My heart hurts.
I really feel for you lostwanderer. There's many things in your posts that I would like to respond to, that resonate with me, but my energy is limited at the moment. So just a few things.
I recognize that after the relief (the post about 'it's not me'), there comes grief. I feel that too.
I also sometimes still expect and want things from people that they're not gonna give us. I think they really cannot get it. It feels very lonely.
But what you need and needed back then is perfectly natural and it's an accomplishment that you can feel this. It's a step in recovering. And now, what we need to learn I think is to give this inner child what it needed all along so it can feel safe and we can feel better.
Take care, you're doing great. :hug:
Thank you, DF for your kind words. I think I know all those things cognitively but I do struggle to connect and love my inner kiddo - she needs A LOT at times & I don't feel adequate to take care of her. Or I'm afraid I'm gonna mess her up as much as my parents did, you know?
*****
09.08.2024
It's been a couple days and I have been off the map, probably disassociating. Today has been harder and more emotional than yesterday. I'm embarrassed to admit this but I have been rotating between watching a funny show, meditating, crying, journaling/venting/grieving (I think) back to watching a funny show and doing that on repeat until the day is over. Today I haven't even gotten out of my pajamas or eaten much.
I know all the things in my brain: I'm disassociating, it's an EF, my little kiddo needs something, it's a coping mechanism/survival adaptation, my nervous system is probably in dorsal, etc etc and still.....
It's in these moments that I really hate myself (not really but the behaviors) and the only thing I know how to do is just sit in it. It's incredibly uncomfortable. And there's not a whole lot of relief and that's frustrating because I sure would like to be "normal".
Yes, these days are hard. Many times, I don't know how to deal with it either. Feeling my body is usually helpful for me. But just so you know you're not alone. Wishing you well. And a hug if that's okay. :hug:
I second DesertFlower, you're not alone.
:hug:
Thank you DF & Chart. Your kindness, support and reminder that I'm not alone means a lot :grouphug:
09.09.2024
I was on a recovery meeting recently and I really liked the topic that was presented. Here are the questions:
Have you always felt like the black sheep* of your family?
Do you think that is a negative thing?
Have you ever thought that being the black sheep might be a good thing? If so, why?
Do you think that black sheep are cycle breakers and change makers? If so, why?
I'm not sure I would have ever labeled myself the black sheep of my family but learning the little bit I did during that meeting and also in the article below, I can easily associate myself as such. I have memories of being pretty young and asking my mom why she did a certain thing (come and fix all the dishes in the dishwasher after I loaded it even though it was my "job", turned off lights in a room without checking to see if anyone was in it, I can't think of any other examples at the moment but you get it). I remember having multiple conversations with her many years later after I had moved out of the house and specifically addressing the dysfunctional behaviors I saw play out in our FOO. I even recall being at a family function and thinking "I don't belong here" - I was 10.
This has been carried out in so many other situations with different people throughout my life. I have never been mean but I'm an observer and I feel like I have had a second sense about things that in my gut are "wrong" (it's like a dysfunction radar) and when I finally speak up about them, I'm the one that gets in trouble (lose my job, get kicked out, was put on a probationary period in my singing group, etc). It definitely sucks. I am finding myself in a very familiar situation currently too but I digress. I think I know the answer which would be speak up sooner and trust my intuition right away but I'm not there yet.
I know I have never EVER considered this a superpower or a positive thing mainly due to the fact that it has caused so much pain, grief and devastation in my life. I am enjoying the idea of changing the narrative to see being a black sheep as a positive thing. I would just love to see that played out in my family and other dynamics that I have been a part of. Like, I haven't seen a time yet where I have "held the mirror" up to another person for them to see dysfunctional behavior and them be excited about it, you know?
I'm sure other thoughts will come the more I think of this but I think that's all for now.
*black sheep explanation: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/invisible-bruises/202304/are-you-the-family-black-sheep-heres-how-to-deal
I relate Lostwanderer, a lot. I'm at the poit of letting go of all my family. I just don't have anymore energy to get people to "see". Already I've wasted literally years trying to get validation. It just doesn't work. It's time for a new tactic. I'm in it, but it's hard, counter-intuitive. Like pulling teeth or bending iron bars. Plus all the elements of life that are hard... ungh. Slowly slowly, one neuron at a time.
Just wanted to say I relate...
:hug:
Thank you Chart, I appreciate your kind words ... it's nice to know I'm not alone.
****
09.12.2024
Not sure why journaling is so hard at times. I have sooooooo many thoughts but to get them all out kinda feels daunting. I was on a recovery call earlier and my share was emotional for me so I know that I'm still kinda sitting in that. I am feeling so tired. I'm just staring at the screen with thoughts in my brain but also nothing at the same time so I guess I'm gonna stop. I tried...
Something just hit me from the conference I've been listening to this week. The speaker mentioned something about a really big blocker to actual healing is putting appropriate blame on our caretakers for the pain (intentional or not) inflicted on us. She mentioned how it's really easy for survivors to brush over their traumas because if the truth is shared then that ultimately means we were unloved.
I related to that a lot because so often I feel like I hit some invisible wall when journaling or trying to share about my past pain. And I wonder if the idea that my parents didn't actually love me is still too big for me to digest.
Quote from: lostwanderer on September 13, 2024, 01:43:58 AMAnd I wonder if the idea that my parents didn't actually love me is still too big for me to digest.
Yeah... Why is that so hard for me to fathom? It's so obvious, yet I can't get my head around it... Thanks Lostwanderer, you've brought up something for me that was hiding in plain sight.
You are so welcome. I can't imagine that it's a pleasant realization but I do hope it might bring some clarity or a new level of healing to you, Chart.
*****
09.13.2024
I have some feelings ... right now I'm feeling doubtful. My sib, whom things are rather complicated and awkward with at the moment, reached out to me asking to connect at a certain time. It's 11 minutes til that time and their usual night routine hasn't even started yet. I want to believe that my sib will keep their word but I'm very doubtful. The sad part is this isn't the first time & I'm afraid that if I call them out on it that somehow it'll get turned around on me, like I'm in the wrong.
Like, I get it. You're busy & distracted. BUT DON'T MAKE PROMISES YOU DON'T INTEND TO KEEP! Yes, I might be "future tripping" and having feelings about something that hasn't actually happened yet but their track record hasn't proven to be very trustworthy. Here's to being disappointed again. (hopefully not but it's not looking good).
Quote from: lostwanderer on September 13, 2024, 01:43:58 AMAnd I wonder if the idea that my parents didn't actually love me is still too big for me to digest.
Me too lostwanderer and Chart. That's a big one to digest. But it totally explains how I've been feeling and why and that makes me calmer at least, I'm not crazy for feeling the way I do. I will start trying to accept this or try starting to accept this.
Quote from: Desert Flower on September 14, 2024, 07:32:35 AMit totally explains how I've been feeling and why and that makes me calmer at least
I totally understand this DF! When I first heard that I definitely felt some relief (like I had a real answer for the first time) but it's also so sad. Still difficult for me to fully embrace the reality of it. And I imagine it will be for a while honestly.
09.18.2024
I'm feeling really sad and probably grieving. And probably really confused with all the feelings I am feeling too.
I have this desire to share but then when it comes down to it it's like I go blank. I have no doubt it's due to the many times I was told by my M growing up that I shouldn't feel a certain way or that I was wrong, etc. So then I'm just left in this emotional swirl wanting release, wanting validation or compassion or even to just be seen but I "can't".
This all feels like it's my fault even though I *know* it's not.
I'm so sorry you're feeling this way lostwanderer. It's just really hard sometimes. But you're becoming more aware and that's something. And I can validate what you're feeling, it's normal in our circumstances. And only knowing what it is doesn't instantly make it go away unfortunately. But maybe knowing you're not alone in this will help a little bit. Sending you support.
Thank you DF, your kind words and support are helpful
*****
09.20.2024
I am feeling some anger and confusion and betrayal right now. It's the aftermath of a hard conversation.
I've been living with my sib and my nieces and nephews (on & off when they're here) for the last 6ish months. It wasn't even planned that I would be there this long. It's been hard and triggering and disappointing and more often than not I have wondered if I made a mistake in asking to stay.
More recently my sib asked me via text to leave due to all of the "turmoil" and miscommunication. Yeah, I have had some feelings about that but we had a chat to discuss things more in detail and I don't regret anything that I said. I did feel some peace but I am holding that along with the anger and confusion. I can't begin to know what's actually going on with my sib but when I first arrived here things were good. The only reason I asked to stay longer was because of that - it felt like a soothing balm to my soul. But something changed. I don't know what.
My sib would come in the kitchen where I was doing my own thing and just start talking. Since I've always known this visit was temporary I took every opportunity to connect. I feel shame that I did so because I wonder if that was codependent. It seems that it was confusing to my sib, well more so when I stopped engaging as much. I tried and tried and tried and tried to connect - with my sib, with my nieces and nephews to continued rejection. I got tired. I tried talking to my sib about it - nothing changed - in fact, I was told to keep trying. It's been really messy and has now led to them asking me to leave.
I'm hurt. I'm disappointed. I'm annoyed and angry with my sib. I told them last night that I don't appreciate being a scapegoat and getting blamed for how uncomfortable things got when it's not just my fault. At times they seemed a little remorseful. The conversation's not over but here's the kicker... during all of this my sib started seeing someone new (nothing wrong with that). BUT my sib and I had a very vulnerable conversation right after they met this person where I realized that I felt sadness due to how my sib basically abandoned me when they started seeing their first spouse (now ex). I know it was never intentional (at least I hope not) but it still sucked - we were best friends and went through some really s**ty stuff growing up.
My sib seemed to be accepting of that and extended an invitation to grab a drink the next day because we hadn't really been spending any intentional time together. They bailed on me. Like, I understand liking someone. I understand getting caught up. I understand all that but to consciously do that the day after I shared some really personal stuff??? Kinda leaves a gross taste in my mouth. The trust was even more severed than it had been already. Like, tell me I don't matter without telling me I don't matter, you know?
I confronted. My sib apologized and owned it saying that was a really crappy thing they did. They said that they understood if I didn't want to hang out and also that it would take a while to repair. Yet there was no repair. It's just gotten more awkward. I know that my sib has created their own stories around it without talking to me about it and I have basically been left alone - it's like I have a disease here. Like my sib thought that because I was just hanging out in "my room" all day one weekend doing my own thing and never saw me (because they all left and never told me and it just so happened that I would come down when everyone was gone) that I would self-harm!!!!!! No, I would never! And knew that's what he wanted to know but doesn't know how to ask me directly. And after all that to be asked to leave because it's uncomfortable with me living here and they don't trust me because I'm "unstable"?! SINCE WHEN have I been unstable?! This whole thing is f***ing MADDENING!
Here's another kicker... it's been about a month, maybe. My sib has been breaking their own boundaries left and right and spending all of their time on the phone with this new person even to the point of lying to their kids and feeding their kids super late at night because they're so busy on the phone. And again I get it, it's nice to be wanted. My sib left last week and took time off work to travel to see this new person cuz they live in another state. I knew they would be gone but I woke up that morning to a quiet house - no communication, no nothing. Not even a "Hey, I took off. Enjoy your weekend." Oh yeah, and they got MARRIED!!!!!! Yeah, my sib has every right to make their own decisions. And at the end of the day, it doesn't affect me much except if I'm being kicked out. Except if I'm being lied to. The whole time I've been here my sib has gone through at least 5 other relationships thinking they all could be "the one". They said they wanted me to meet them because they valued my opinion. They even broke up with one because I walked them through some stuff and encouraged them that they didn't deserve how they were being treated. But I guess this new one is different?
Once again, I'm left so confused because the things my sib says and the things they actually do don't seem to match up. I'm so disappointed. In them but also in me. It's hard for me to not blame myself continually giving them the benefit of the doubt for the promise of connection but that connection never seems to really comes. I guess what can you expect when we've both grown up in dysfunction? Constantly I am left in the dark. I wonder if that bothers me because of my hypervigilence but I do think it's common courtesy to communicate especially when living in a shared space. I can make excuses for my sib all day: they've been living on their own without having to answer to or communicate with anyone for a couple years blah blah blah. It's in these moments where it's really hard to see the good things they have done to connect because it just feels like it's not enough.
I don't know... maybe I'm just afraid of what that could say about me that I basically have no relationship with my FOO. I really had hope that my sib and I were starting to connect more recently (even before I traveled here and stayed) but that hope is pretty much gone now. And due to all this "mess" I have no desire to know anything about their new marriage. So it just feels like I have ruined any sort of relationship with my sib and my nieces and nephews at this point. So I'm alone. Again. Starting from the beginning trying to figure life out and pick up the pieces. Does this ever stop? Because I feel like I'm living that unconscious cycle that keeps repeating and I can't help thinking I'm the one to blame.
09.21.2024
Why is this so f*ing hard?!
My sib and I set a time to reconnect to set some boundaries in place for living together moving forward. They, once again, "couldn't" show up because something came up. Something always comes up. I get being busy. I get having little people who are unpredictable and needy but where's the line between being pulled in all directions and actually following through on the things you say you'll do?!
I know it hits on some of my own pain points but that shouldn't negate anything. At the end of the day, relationships take effort and intentionality. And how my sib keeps showing up seems like they just don't have that. When I broaden the scoop I can see how that would be a struggle to manage in general - I know because I've been there... I've given up control to so many other things and people in my life just so I wouldn't have to make a decision. It's "safer" that way.
Then my inner critic sneaks in saying that I'm just being too harsh or strict. But I have given soooo much leeway. And it doesn't really matter if I have something else to do. I don't have to justify anything. You said a certain time and you got "caught up". Again. And then the kicker is that my sib seems fine with it like they're unbothered. YET when we have had other conversations they bring up how uncomfortable they feel living around me. Well maybe if you actually showed up and followed through, I wouldn't need to set such strict boundaries with my time and space.
I honestly am so freaking confused by this! Yeah, I'm sure my mind is trying to make sense of it - to figure out the right and the wrong but I know deep down that it's not really about that. At the end of the day, it's not cool. And it's certainly not helping to build any sort of relationship. And I'm disappointed. I don't know why this is so hard.......
Lw, Is this perhaps a pattern in your life? Something that's happened to you in the past?
I don't mean to imply that this is your fault. But if it's a pattern then we have to look at how we are participating in the repetition... and then how can we change that.
We also have to be ready to change and change is often really hard, so we can dance around it a bit, often over-analyzing the behavior of others.
It seems to me that this is hard because it hits an emotional part of you that has experienced this before and it was perhaps traumatic.
Regardless, it sounds like you are really struggling and I hope you can work through this and find some resolution and peace.
Sending support and hugs.
:hug:
Hi lostwanderer, :wave:
I really resonate with a lot of what you have written. I savvy. I too grew up in a family that didn't have any genetic mirroring for me. That's been a Pandora's box to unpack to put it mildly. This space, these people, both wonderful.
If it's ok, here's a hug. :hug:
Wishing you all the best.