Greetings,
I am 56yo and suffer from CPTSD. It wasn't until 2023 that I had a name for decades and decades of suffering I have gone through. I'm the tough sort that doesn't seek help or complain too much. I just suffer in silence. (something my parents always glorified) The main way I have coped is to gradually reduce and reduce social interaction to the point where, these days I have very little. Although I do somehow have a successful career and manage to survive at work (though barely and it's a constant inner struggle) I have no friends anymore. I have no girlfriend. It's not that I don't want to, I do want to have friends but for whatever reason I've just reached a point where I don't. I also spent years and years being codependent with my narc/sick family and I can see now how they sort of architected this situation over time where I had nowhere to really turn except them. In 2022/2023 some events happened in my life that brought everything to light and I've gone no contact with my family and as a result they've basically disowned me which leaves me in pretty tough situation financially but I'm working on it. I knew for all my life that something was wrong with my family and over time came to understand that there was abuse but I was gas lit and manipulated into thinking I was crazy. I was abused in different ways by both my parents and also other members of the family. It started before I was born as I was an unwanted pregnancy so I think I had hate and contempt coming at me (including neglect) even before birth. The neglect continued (badly) through my infanthood, toddlerhood, grammar school, teenage and beyond. Anyway, I know that I'm not crazy and a lot of bad stuff happened to me growing up which led to more bad stuff happening and more trauma both in/out of the house. What's strange is that I'm very filled with love. I have a lot of love to give (and I have an adult son who I give it to). He is one light in my life and one relationship that still hasn't gone bad; him and my dogs. I am strong and I like my solitude a lot, but I also yearn for connection and for love. I've been through some bad times for sure, but having read some of the posts I can see that I'm fortunate it wasn't even worse. My heart goes out to all of you. I'm a hardworking person and a good person who I think it just sometimes misunderstood. I think my trauma caused me to build some defense mechanisms that make me come across standoffish and sort of intimidating to some people. Sorry I know this is really rambling.
Hello and welcome Lonewolf86. From your story I think you're in the right place. Aloneness is a common problem discussed here on the Forum. But here, together we're no longer alone. I've practically lived on the Forum for the past five months. I think I have often made a fool of myself here, but have received nothing but understanding, support and profoundly effective feedback and advice.
Welcome, Chart
Welcome Colorado Kid,
It's wonderful that you have a close bond with your son. Sometimes, just one connection is all it takes to keep everything afloat until figuring out how to change the things you want to.
Its unusual to have someone say they are filled with love. No doubt that feeling has allowed you to continue, despite harsh circumstances. Congratulations on finding us,and making your introductory post!
Hi - thanks for the welcome messages. I changed my name to lonewolf from coloradokid. :)
Welcome, Lonewolf. I can certainly relate to some of your struggles, especially the alone bit. I'm so sorry for all you've been through, but I'm glad you have your son and your dogs and that you found this forum. I hope you find it helpful in your healing journey.
Lonewolf,
Welcome to the forum. You really got to me when you talk about how you are filled with love. What a beautiful thing to be filled with. Of course, I feel like the people who are most filled with love in this world are the same people who are prone to being traumatized by the cruelty of others. C-PTSD is common in truly good people. That's why there are so many truly good people on this forum. A lot of love is expressed between the good people here.
I value love over every other thing in the Universe. Being able to accept it and live within its warmth has been something I've only just recently begun to succeed at. I was diagnosed with trauma disorders in 2005. But that was my 7th therapist in 30 years. The first 6 just kept telling me to scream into a pillow and that would cool my rage. (Of course, I see it the other way around: Fighting rage with screaming is like fighting fire with gasoline...but hey...it's what their antiquated textbooks taught them years ago, so that's what they teach today.)
Love is gentle and kind, not raging and screaming into pillows.
I was forced to go full No Contact with my FOO in 2010 at age 50. I was rescued from suicide while on my way to jump off a bridge because of the flurry of lies they were all propagating about me. That was the beginning of my understanding of how much damage they'd done to me over the years. I left them to save myself. Being codependent on a family that constantly belittles and lies and gaslights their most loving members was something I couldn't understand until I got away from them and broke out of the spell of codependency.
Thank you for having the courage to publicly say that you are filled with love. Not a lot of men feel safe to say such words.
I'm glad you joined. I'm sorry you needed to, but very glad this forum is here for you, me, and all the other members who've found friendship and validation here.
Looking forward to reading more from you.
Papa Coco
Lonewolf, welcome!
I can definitely relate to a lot of what you've said. I find myself going out less and less. I think sometimes it's important to accept that it's what I need, instead of dumping on myself for being alone.
Hi Lonewolf.
I empathize with you. I haven't gone full no-contact, but I am practically there. My family have manipulated me and taken advantage of my desire to help. I am so glad to hear that you are able to stay connected to your son. I hope things start to look up for you. I think you will be able to find some friends here. I hope to. :)
Hi All, thanks for your comments. I appreciate them so much.
Quote from: Papa Coco on July 24, 2024, 08:32:34 PMLonewolf,
Welcome to the forum. You really got to me when you talk about how you are filled with love. What a beautiful thing to be filled with. Of course, I feel like the people who are most filled with love in this world are the same people who are prone to being traumatized by the cruelty of others. C-PTSD is common in truly good people. That's why there are so many truly good people on this forum. A lot of love is expressed between the good people here.
I value love over every other thing in the Universe. Being able to accept it and live within its warmth has been something I've only just recently begun to succeed at. I was diagnosed with trauma disorders in 2005. But that was my 7th therapist in 30 years. The first 6 just kept telling me to scream into a pillow and that would cool my rage. (Of course, I see it the other way around: Fighting rage with screaming is like fighting fire with gasoline...but hey...it's what their antiquated textbooks taught them years ago, so that's what they teach today.)
Love is gentle and kind, not raging and screaming into pillows.
I was forced to go full No Contact with my FOO in 2010 at age 50. I was rescued from suicide while on my way to jump off a bridge because of the flurry of lies they were all propagating about me. That was the beginning of my understanding of how much damage they'd done to me over the years. I left them to save myself. Being codependent on a family that constantly belittles and lies and gaslights their most loving members was something I couldn't understand until I got away from them and broke out of the spell of codependency.
Thank you for having the courage to publicly say that you are filled with love. Not a lot of men feel safe to say such words.
I'm glad you joined. I'm sorry you needed to, but very glad this forum is here for you, me, and all the other members who've found friendship and validation here.
Looking forward to reading more from you.
Papa Coco
Papa Coco - Thanks! See you again soon I'm sure :)
Quote from: Lonewolf86 on July 24, 2024, 06:01:41 PMThe main way I have coped is to gradually reduce and reduce social interaction to the point where, these days I have very little. Although I do somehow have a successful career and manage to survive at work (though barely and it's a constant inner struggle) I have no friends anymore. I have no girlfriend. It's not that I don't want to, I do want to have friends but for whatever reason I've just reached a point where I don't.
Quote from: Lonewolf86 on July 24, 2024, 06:01:41 PMI am strong and I like my solitude a lot, but I also yearn for connection and for love.
I empathise with your difficulties in establishing relationships. I like the solitude, yet also desire to be seen and cared for by others. But social interaction is often so triggering... Lonewolf is a very apt name.
Welcome to the forum, I hope you can find some solace here.
Regards,
Aphotic.
Thanks Aphotic. Appreciate your comment. Yeah social interactions are triggering and I am weekly finding myself in awkward/difficult interactions with people. I think its a combination of the fact that my experiences have made me sort of unapproachable by many weaker types but also that I have distorted view of myself and of the interactions which compounds the issues. It's like there's an inner and outer manifestation of 'a dynamic' that occurs whenever I am in any interaction (and it's on a continuum, sometimes more - sometimes less). Some might call it karma. As a Christian, I don't really believe in karma but there's something there "that plays out". Ok, now I'm rambling so I'll also add this... I have noticed within myself a switch that happens ANY TIME I am about to have ANY interaction with ANY other human being. I can feel myself switch into this (mode) from which I relate to people. This mode is not really authentically me or who I am as a person but is VERY powerful and really is at my core. In fact, to this day I've never been able to catch it when it happens and short circuit it. I'm not sure if it's going to be possible but I am going to keep watching myself and trying to dismantle the trauma circuitry that causes this. My life is a daily struggle to feel at peace, at ease, serene, whole, good enough. I think I'm in the midst of going down into the fire because while I see all the pain and suffering and struggle, I also see something good that's been slowly taking root.
peace out
Quote from: Lonewolf86 on August 13, 2024, 04:01:16 PMI have noticed within myself a switch that happens ANY TIME I am about to have ANY interaction with ANY other human being. I can feel myself switch into this (mode) from which I relate to people. This mode is not really authentically me or who I am as a person but is VERY powerful and really is at my core.
Lonewolf86, this resonates with me very much. In my everyday interactions, I often feel like I´m on autopilot. When someone approaches me and starts talking to me, I stiffen, get very-very anxious and start to search for signs of danger. Often I can´t even concentrate on the conversation because I´m so nervous, I just want it to be over. And this takes so much energy, I feel tired and emotionally exhausted every time I gotta have any kind of social interaction, :fallingbricks:
Quote from: Lonewolf86 on August 13, 2024, 04:01:16 PMI think I'm in the midst of going down into the fire because while I see all the pain and suffering and struggle, I also see something good that's been slowly taking root.
I´m glad you see something good starting to grow from the pain and suffering. :cheer:
Hi Daloway - thanks for your comment. The autopilot idea.. that's it. My experience when I meet other people is the same as yours (its exhausting and sadly, it often doesn't go well,) and those bad interactions then reaffirm my feelings of not being safe with other people. It's so hard.
I had a bad interaction at the dog park a couple weeks ago with some lady. I wont go into the details, but suffice it to say she was wrong and she encroached on my boundaries and I called her out on it (fight response) and she also had a "trauma reaction" and we had some harsh words between us.
I didn't feel good after it at all, and then sort of self isolated for a couple weeks after that experience. Another random thought is that this isn't the same for every person. Some are much worse than others and sometimes I'm just in a little bit of a better place. To be honest I'm not sure I've ever had an interaction with another person where I was fully "myself" and I'm starting to understand that maybe it's because my sense of self was so damaged. yuck
Quote from: Papa Coco on July 24, 2024, 08:32:34 PMLonewolf,
Welcome to the forum. You really got to me when you talk about how you are filled with love. What a beautiful thing to be filled with. Of course, I feel like the people who are most filled with love in this world are the same people who are prone to being traumatized by the cruelty of others. C-PTSD is common in truly good people. That's why there are so many truly good people on this forum. A lot of love is expressed between the good people here.
I value love over every other thing in the Universe. Being able to accept it and live within its warmth has been something I've only just recently begun to succeed at. I was diagnosed with trauma disorders in 2005. But that was my 7th therapist in 30 years. The first 6 just kept telling me to scream into a pillow and that would cool my rage. (Of course, I see it the other way around: Fighting rage with screaming is like fighting fire with gasoline...but hey...it's what their antiquated textbooks taught them years ago, so that's what they teach today.)
Love is gentle and kind, not raging and screaming into pillows.
I was forced to go full No Contact with my FOO in 2010 at age 50. I was rescued from suicide while on my way to jump off a bridge because of the flurry of lies they were all propagating about me. That was the beginning of my understanding of how much damage they'd done to me over the years. I left them to save myself. Being codependent on a family that constantly belittles and lies and gaslights their most loving members was something I couldn't understand until I got away from them and broke out of the spell of codependency.
Thank you for having the courage to publicly say that you are filled with love. Not a lot of men feel safe to say such words.
I'm glad you joined. I'm sorry you needed to, but very glad this forum is here for you, me, and all the other members who've found friendship and validation here.
Looking forward to reading more from you.
Papa Coco
Papa Coco, I went back to read some of the posts today and I realized that I didn't convey my intended appreciation for your reply to my first post on the forum. Thank you for sharing about how you arrived at the understanding about the 'truth' of your past and I'm so glad someone got to you and saved you from jumping off the bridge. I agree with what you said about how love is the most important thing. I agree that it is and I have given more thought to my original statement that "I'm filled with love" - I wanted to elaborate a bit .. this doesn't mean I don't feel hate- I definitely do. I can actually have feelings of love and hate at the same time but ultimately the love I feel that I'm filled with is God's love. It's love that understands and accepts things as they are - I'm thinking maybe it had to grow there inside me to balance out the love i wasn't getting in my life. I hope you're well!
Quote from: Lonewolf86 on August 13, 2024, 04:58:49 PMAnother random thought is that this isn't the same for every person. Some are much worse than others and sometimes I'm just in a little bit of a better place.
I feel that, too. My theory is that if I talk to someone who´s personality is "safe" for me (they are kind and patient and open), I feel it intuitively and then I feel comfortable in their presence.
Lone Wolf,
I understand that we are filled with Love, but also with emotional baggage at the same time.
The way I see it, fish don't know they swim in water, and we humans don't really grasp how we swim in a Universe of pure love. Shame and fear are part of the human experience that overlays our ability to see through it to the love that is there for all of us. Sort of like if you're in a cabin in the woods. Even though you're in a cabin, that cabin is in the woods, so you are in the woods while you're in the cabin. Here I am, living in a Universe filled with the love of god, but I find myself thinking that the anger and shame I feel has removed me from the love. It hasn't. It's just hiding me from seeing it.
Fish are in water whether they know it or not. I'm in Unversal Love whether I know it or not. The trick, for me, is learning how to let go of my emotional baggage, one tiny portion at a time. Each time I successfully release an emotional pain, Love seems to quickly rush in and fill the spot that my emotions had just vacated. It's a progression, not an on off switch. Every year I can look back and see that I'm a bit more filled with love than I was the year prior. I still rage at bad neighbors, bad drivers, bad politicians, but I don't rage at them nearly as severely as I did a year ago. Personally I feel like we are here on this earth to progressively, carefully, intentionally remove those negative feelings from us.
I've been learning a ton by reading and rereading Letting Go: the Pathway of Surrender, by David. R. Hawkins. As I release my emotional baggage the way he teaches, I am starting to feel myself connecting more with the Love of God and less with the baggage and rage and anger and fear and shame that has covered me. For me, it's less about trying to get better and more about accepting that I was hurt and that I've used suppression and distraction to keep myself from releasing the hurt. The more I release little bits of shame and fear and trauma each day, the more Love fills my heart. But, for me, it's a progression. Baby steps. They're working. I'm becoming happier and more connected with Love and forgiveness each day. A little a time. Slow and steady wins the race.
The shame and loneliness of my childhood still sometimes makes me curse my parents' names, and the church that abused me in so many ways, but that cursing doesn't feel as poisonous to me today as it once did. Somehow, through reading, treatments, and friendships on this forum, I don't feel like what they did to me was quite as permanent as I'd always felt. My rage at my family and church was far more poisonous when I felt like I couldn't heal from it. Now that I feel like I can get a little bit of healing each day, through meditation, learning, and connection with others who feel similar things as I do, every day is a tiny bit better than the day before it. And that's good enough for me right now. Improvement is improvement and I'll take it!