Out of the Storm

I am glad to be back and to take time to explore my thoughts and experiences here.

I look back on the past year and see how far I've come.  As some things heal, other things still feel incredibly hurtful.

My in-laws will be coming in a few weeks time.  It feels like they are always coming.  I would be fine if I never had to see them again.  I know that isn't reasonable given a lot of factors...but it is how I feel.

I tried sharing my perspective with my husband during a shared counseling session.  I think he understood my perspective more than the counselor did.  But, he continues to not register what his family does as abuse so it's hard for things to change too much.  All I can do is try to take care of myself.

I'm also just generally struggling with my "relationship" to my family.  I am in this place where I feel like my parents don't like me.  They don't really try to reach out anymore and if I send them a brief update of something neutral, I don't get much of a response. 

I think my struggle is with the pressure for how things are "supposed to be" and how they really are for me.  I feel a lot of anxiety and shame.

Hi Rainydiary,
Welcome back, I missed you.  It's good to hear you've noticed some changes over the year - you mentioned being able to see how far you've come.  That sounds positive.  But like you said, as some things heal, other things still feel incredibly hurtful.  I'm sending you a hug of care and support, if that's ok  :hug:

I also struggle with feeling that society sometimes portrays how things should be, rather than the truth of how things actually are - I also feel anxiety and shame about those things - what I'm trying to say is that I empathise with what you said.   

Anyway, I'm glad you're here again.
Hope  :)

Hi Hope, I appreciate you checking in and I appreciate the care and support.

I am feeling unexpectedly drained this evening.

My therapy session today was good but also has left me with a lot of feelings.  I am trying to sit with how I experience the foundation of my relationship to my husband and also how often I feel a lack of control in my marriage and elsewhere.

I also heard from a colleague who is searching for a new job.  She didn't ask me which email address to use for reference and included my work one. I don't check my work email in the summer which means I won't be able to fill out a survey for her.

I'm annoyed that she didn't ask for which email to use and hasn't contacted me at all since I saw her on the last day of school.  I have no intention of opening my work email to check and also feel very bad for that decision.

My body is also fried because it has been so hot the past several days.  We have an air conditioner in our bedroom and I am struggling with it because it is too loud.  The sound makes sleeping difficult.  I wear ear plugs but sometimes sound still seeps in.

*sigh* I am trying to get to sleep and hope that I can.  Hopefully writing here will help ease my mind a bit.

I ended up sleeping last night although my sleep was a bit restless.

I feel less conflicted today about not checking my work email for my colleague. 

I feel like I am figuring out important things right now. 

Part of me knows I am having a good day.  I've done things that I enjoy and am feeling to me what feels like relaxed.

And my brain starts in on me with the voice of my parents.  It's telling me my choice of activities isn't valid, that I am a loser, that I don't have a life, that what I like to do isn't good enough.

I'm going to try to say kind and compassionate things to myself. 

 :hug:

Quote from: rainydiary on July 09, 2024, 02:37:41 PMI'm also just generally struggling with my "relationship" to my family.  I am in this place where I feel like my parents don't like me.  They don't really try to reach out anymore and if I send them a brief update of something neutral, I don't get much of a response. 

I feel sad about this.   :hug: if OK. 

Quote from: rainydiary on July 09, 2024, 02:37:41 PMI think my struggle is with the pressure for how things are "supposed to be" and how they really are for me.  I feel a lot of anxiety and shame.

I resonate with this.  I'm feeling empathy for you and your situation right now. 

Quote from: rainydiary on July 11, 2024, 09:25:01 PMAnd my brain starts in on me with the voice of my parents.  It's telling me my choice of activities isn't valid, that I am a loser, that I don't have a life, that what I like to do isn't good enough.

I'm going to try to say kind and compassionate things to myself. 

It sounds like the inner critic, which was installed by our parents as children.  Pete Walker has some good things to say about how to deal with this.  If you go to his website at https://www.pete-walker.com on the upper left there is a link "shrinking the inner critic".  Just a suggestion, take it or leave it.   :)

Chart & Natureluvr, I appreciate your support and comfort.

This week my therapist brought up the idea of control in my life and it has been on my mind a lot.

I don't entirely know what to make of it but am recognizing a lot of ways people in my past and present have attempted to or have succeeded in exerting control over me.

I didn't feel able to always stand up or resist that control so I have attempted to cope by trying to internally control many things as well as trying to control my environment as much as possible.

All of this has been so exhausting and I feel really upset. Naming this control and my feeling of lack of control has been helpful although I believe there is still a lot of difficulty ahead.

I am struggling this evening with an EF given distressing news my husband shared about his family.

I had an EF yesterday too while watching a movie.

This week the words control and abandonment have been on my mind and a lot of old memories are coming up.

I want to offer so much comfort to my younger self.  And my current self.

Hi Rainydiary,
Sending you some support - it sounds like there's a lot going on - I'm sorry you've heard some distressing news regarding your husband's family - I very much hope that you are able to comfort your younger self and your current self.
Hope

Sending hugs RD. De-stress vibrations and comfort too.
 :hug:

Hope & Chart, I appreciate the support and encouragement.

I am rather tired today.  I am not sleeping particularly well this week.  I hope that shifts a bit the next week.

I am still drained by the EFs.  This morning my husband initiated a conversation about toxic families.  I was really surprised.  I don't think he has a realistic view of the toxicity of his family based on what he said, but maybe we are getting closer to communicating more about the difficulties I face with them and his dynamic with them.

I will have some days to myself as my husband will be traveling for work.  I hope to rest and indulge and take care.  Work will be resuming before long and my in laws are coming for a visit which will unfortunately spoil my summer break.

Quote from: rainydiary on July 14, 2024, 09:59:43 PMI will have some days to myself as my husband will be traveling for work.  I hope to rest and indulge and take care.  Work will be resuming before long and my in laws are coming for a visit which will unfortunately spoil my summer break.

A few days to yourself sounds really nice, I also hope you can use the time to rest and recuperate! Sorry you're experiencing these EFs.  :hug:

Regards,
Aphotic.

Thank you Aphotic.

I am resting today and feeling a lot.

In therapy I've been talking about my tendency to people please and about my relationship to control.

I'm not really sure how to interpret conversations that I had yesterday with my therapist but am feeling really embarrassed and emotionally sore.

I think the gist of the conversation is that I do a lot of things for others and less for myself.  I'm honestly not even sure how to do things for myself.  I think that I am at times but I'm not sure how what I'm doing is different than others.

I am tired of talking about inner thoughts with others.  It leaves me feeling so vulnerable and sad and ashamed.

Rainy, I can 100% relate to that! There are days I leave therapy and I just want to crawl under a rock. I feel extreme shame and sadness. Sometimes I think I will never go gack - but I always do!!!! :)

hi rainy, :heythere:

good to see you again.

i've been a people pleaser most of my life, and i know now it's because that's how i was trained from little on.  my world was all about doing what i was told w/o anything but obedience, putting on a smile for the world, and not bothering anyone w/ questions.  it's still difficult to stand up for myself, take care of me first.  those old lessons die hard.

as far as boundaries, well, most of us weren't allowed any, so we never learned what our own might look like let alone be able to put something like that into action.  it's a big topic, loaded, and might take some time to get thru it to the other side.  i'm glad you're looking at it, tho, cuz i think it's one of the most important things we can learn for ourselves.  love and hugs :hug:

Little 2 Nothing, I appreciate the support and understanding.

Hi San, I'm glad to hear from you.  I appreciate the validation that people pleasing is difficult.  I posted another post about it in a different thread because it is weighing on me.  It's not so much that I am unwilling to address what isn't working for me...I think it is that the way we discuss certain topics feels more shaming to me given the types of words we use.
............

I am in a hotel room away from home right now.  I did an organized bike ride in a town about 2 hours north of where I live.  The bike ride was enjoyable yet being away from home is weighing on me. 

I haven't slept well in the hotel room and I just want to be home.  I miss my cat and my comfort I feel at home.

The stress in my life is about to pick up more than I would like.  I have another trip I am going on next weekend, my in laws are coming, and work starts again.  This is all making me struggle with being present because I worry about being able to handle it.

yeah, rainy, words are powerful, and i always think it's important to find just the ones which say exactly what we mean.  not always easy, tho.  and i can't always grab the ones i want at the time i want them, either.  so, it can be frustrating as well.

hope you can get home soonest, and i wish you didn't have to have a bunch of unwanted experiences piling up on each other, especially so soon.  if it helps, can you imagine me or one or more of us by your side to help you handle the worst of these? 

sending love and a hug filled with 'handle it' juice, as much as you need for whatever is coming. :hug:

Hello San, yes, words can be so difficult to get right.  It does help to imagine you and others here with me. 
.........
Something I am reflecting on is how hard I've been working to heal and "feel better" for the past 5 plus years.  I am tired of trying in the ways I've been trying.

I think I want to try to just be gentle and quiet with myself for a bit  and see what happens.

I like the feeling that evokes, 'quiet and gentle with myself'...
 :hug:

Chart, I appreciate you bringing attention to that phrase.

...............
I am going to a professional development session tomorrow.  And getting cold feet.

I know it will be too overwhelming.  I am reminding myself I can leave when I want.

I am going because the topic was interesting to me.

But the logistics of getting there are too much.  I am so disappointed in organizers for not considering virtual options. 

If I am able to give feedback I plan to share about how inaccessible this experience is.

I am wanting to celebrate a few things.

I went to the conference and overall took care. 

I advocated for myself at the conference by asking some folks to stop talking in the back of the room because it was hard to hear the speakers with their conversations.

I am worn out from today but am not as stuck in it once I got home. 

I am very worried about my cat as she doesn't seem to be eating enough and is licking her fur off again.  I am doing my best to care for her as she ages but it is wearing on me.

Hi Rainydiary,
That is great that you did those things - it sounds really good.  Can I join in the celebration with you  :cheer:

I am however sorry that your cat is worrying you.  I hope that both you and your cat are able to get some much deserved rest - I know you were feeling worn out from yesterday.  I hope that today will be more relaxing and that you feel better.

Hope  :)

Hope, I appreciate the support and celebration.  Today isn't feeling easier in some ways which I'll write about below.

I live in the US and just crossed into Canada for the first time in my life.  I am going for a short vacation to see an event.

I am really homesick right now.  We are still on the train and not even to our destination yet.  I'm tired of people standing too close to me and constantly going by. 

I miss my cat and am carrying so much worry for her.  I have a pet sitter that will come check on her while I am away.  But I feel like I leave a piece of myself behind.

There is also peace in being away from the ongoing demands at home.  I hope that I will find some ease on this trip.

Rainy, I hope you have a wonderful vacation!

I have two dogs and worry about them whenever we have to go away, even if it is for just a short time. So I feel for you. I hope your mind can be set at ease so you can enjoy your time away. 

Little2Nothing, I appreciate the understanding about pets.  It's especially hard for me now as my cat is getting older and has more health needs.  I worry a lot for her.
.........
My trip went ok.  I am proud of how I am managing.

I am worried about the next several days.

My in laws will be here.  I have learned my husband understands my need for space with them which is a positive.

However his relationship with them continues to bother me. 

Earlier this year he indicated to me that he learned about parentification in therapy.  He also shared a quiz with me recently on toxic families and noted that the quiz indicated his family is manageably toxic.  I honestly don't know how he got that response based on the questions.

I am struggling with how he knows his family is dysfunctional and still wants contact with them.  Still feels like he is "missing out" on events with them.  Still really wants to please and be loved by parents that will never be pleased.

The challenge for me is that across time he has maintained emotional closeness with them at the expense of us.  I do wonder if that is shifting given our time in couples counseling.  There is still doubt for me though which I can't tell if it is habitual worry or ongoing stuff to address.

I am trying to care for myself the next several days.  I don't have confidence that I will be able to actually do that though because I am so frustrated by them pushing this on us.

Hi Rainydiary,
I'm glad to hear that your trip went ok, and it's great that you're proud of how you are managing. 

I really hope that you are able to cope with the coming days with your in laws visiting.  I am sorry that you have to deal with that - I can imagine that it will be very hard, but wishing you strength to get through it. 

Hope  :)

Hi Hope, I appreciate the support.  I know I will survive because I have before. 
............
After I wrote yesterday I went on a spiral of feeling really overwhelmed by the number of relationships I've "survived."  I don't actually know how to care myself when I am "surviving" beyond just surviving.

I was doing a little better today as my husband and I had a supportive conversation about his family.

And all of that was undone when without much notice I was told they would be coming over to our house before leaving for another part of the state.

I thought I would have more time before seeing them.  I have an orthodontist appointment soon and am already feeling really anxious.  This stuff doesn't help.

I am not surprised.  This is what they do.  But it never ceases to make me feel awful.

I am feeling quite sad right now and can't completely account for why.

I think it is related to the time of year, how my cat is doing, things I've been doing today and this week, and things I am worried about. 

I am feeling discouraged like I make progress and something happens that pushes me back.  I am stuck in old thoughts.

Hi Rainydiary,
I wanted to wish you the best for when you have your orthodontist appointment, and hope that it goes ok.  I know you were feeling anxious about it. 

I relate to what you said about how progress can happen and then something pushes back. 

 :hug: to you, Rainydiary.
Hope  :)

oh rainy, we've got old cat worries here, too, so i can relate.  it's not fun.  very stressful. 

glad your trip to canada was ok. 

wanted to say 'good for you!' about standing up for yourself at that conference.  well done!!! :thumbup:

to my mind, surviving can be a full-time job sometimes.  i'm glad you're doing that.  and i agree that too often we move ahead on something only to be pushed back by other things.  it sure feels 'unfair'.  personally, i hate it when that happens.

you've taken on so much lately, i'm sure the 'sad' is related to all of it.  it's been a lot.  love and hugs my dear.  :hug:

Hope, I appreciate the support.  The orthodontist appointment was like a nightmare but I survived.  Hopefully I will never have to do something like that again.

San, I appreciate the care. I can't ignore some symptoms in my cat anymore and will take her to the vet tomorrow. 

She seems to be experiencing an increase in allergies and is licking her fur off and seems agitated.  Taking her to the vet these days often doesn't alleviate worry and just opens things I don't want to do but if they can do anything to help her seem more comfortable I am open to hearing it.  She is heavy on my mind right now.
..................

I am going to make another post somewhere else about a work experience I had today.

Here I want to say that I bought an Oura ring as I was curious about how my sleep is.  The ring has worked out better for me than I thought it would.

It's interesting to have the data the ring gathers and compare it to my perception of how I feel.  It's been a helpful check and chance to recalibrate. 

An object ultimately can't tell me how I am feeling but I think I have been stuck in viewing my experience one way and this is helping me consider more perspective.

I am struggling today.

I didn't sleep enough last night as I woke up especially early.  I think the approach of work and an early vet appointment for my cat probably played a role.

My cat's vet visit was hard.  My cat has been licking her fur off.  I got an earful from the vet tech and the vet about how my cat seems stressed and her food is probably a factor.  They had a lot of comments about my litter box set up and things I've been feeding my cat.

I've been doing the things I've been doing at the recommendation of other vets.  I've gotten such contradictory information and have done my best to wade through it all. 

I almost started crying during the appointment and then they started being really nice to me which made me feel worse.  I know they were trying to help, but it's hard to feel like they were being overly critical of my care. 

My husband also doesn't feel well and that is another trigger for me.  Given that his family was just here, he may be exhausted from their visit or may have caught illness from someone.  A part of me is always afraid after visits with them that he realizes he would rather be with them than me.

I hope I can find some ease today.  It's already been too much.

Things have evened out a bit since yesterday although I am feeling a bit elevated.

After the vet was so rough with me yesterday, my cat's blood work didn't indicate much of an impact.  This makes me feel like I am doing ok by my cat.

I ended up talking to my husband about my worries and we are more connected. 

I have had some difficult interactions with work situations today.  The school year hasn't started and I am already being asked to cover assignments they don't have covered. 

There was also some unclear next steps since my direct supervisor quit and what plans she and I had discussed.  I feel like the person asking for clarification was asking me to do more work than I agreed to.  I stated what I agreed to and that I can't do extra.

I honestly can't stand this person and hope I don't have to interface with her more this year.  She treats me like I am a child.

I feel more unsafe at work than I have in a while.  I'm not sure I can trust the folks supervising me and I dread how much extra work I'll be expected to do this year because I know that staffing is a concern.

Today I connected to some old feelings and had a good cry.

I was remembering my first job out of college.  I was always overwhelmed and had no idea what I was doing.

There was a day where I was helping train some new employees and I was extremely mean in my approach.  I later went on to work more closely with the person in particular that I was mean to.

I have always felt sorry for what I did and have more perspective now on why I did what I did.  What I did wasn't ok and a sign that I needed support (which no one gave).

This took place around 14-15 years ago.  It surprised me when I realized it's been that long.  It feels like all of this just happened because in some form or another my working life has run together into a series of difficult and painful interactions.

I wrote a letter to the person and apologized.  I wrote a letter to my younger self to offer compassion.

honestly, rainy, docs can be sooo frustrating.  i think it's horrible that you were called on the carpet like that for doing what you've been told to do by other docs.  we've got a stressed cat as well, who's doing yowling at nite, waking my D up every few hours.  probably cuz of our move, so hopefully, with time, this will take care of itself.  i hope you can find some relief for yours.  we also got gabapentin, needs a prescription, which is supposed to calm the animal down.  it has seemed to help.  i hope your kitty can de-stress. 

sorry about the work pressure already piling up.  that sucks.  you don't need that.  and having H exhausted after his folks have been around can't be too much fun either.  just to let you know i'm on your side.  love and hugs :hug:

San, thank you for saying that doctors are frustrating.  They are.  I know my cat and I wish I hadn't gotten wound up by that appointment.  Things are still uncertain overall and I appreciate having your support.
.........
I am feeling very emotional today. 

This is my last week of summer break.

I honestly don't feel like I can do this school year.  This is the lowest I've felt starting a school year in a while.

Everyone I enjoyed working with last year, trusted to a degree, or at least knew what to expect from them has quit. 

Yesterday I got a random message that the massage therapist I've been going to for a while is no longer working at the place I've been going.  I just saw them last week and they didn't mention anything about quitting.

I feel like all these safety points or connections I had are now gone. 

I think some of what I feel is grief and some fear.

i think it's always difficult to face changes like those, rainy.  grief it may very well be.  i can feel your stress.  i hope it goes more smoothly than you imagine/fear.  love and hugs

Hello San, I had opportunity yesterday to check in on reality versus my worries.  In some ways it went better than expected - I met my new supervisor and she seemed relatively ok.  In other ways things are still weighing on me because there is a lot of chaos to get through. I'll say more below.  I appreciate your support.
.........
Yesterday I had a full day in person training for a work committee I'm on.

In some ways I managed better than in the past.  I did things to care for myself that I think took some of the edge off - I used a fidget I have and wore noise cancelling headphones at times.  I also communicated in a way that felt more true to me (which is "blunt" for others).

I got some dirty looks from people and I wish those weren't what stood out.  Most people didn't care and probably me doing that kind of stuff gives people space to be themselves too (or at least I hope).

The day was still too much.  I can't sit still as long as was needed and I was really over the time in that room by lunch. 

I am noticing this pressure I put on myself to "just do all the right things and every day won't be too hard." 

The reality is that given what I need to be fully myself is not currently accepted or honored in the places I work.  I cannot self-care my way out of the ways the environments cause me distress. 

I came across this quote recently and have been trying to keep it in mind.  The quote is attributed to Bob Marley: "The day you stop racing is the day you win the race."

I've been trying to notice how hard I try in things that aren't important or worth it or even possible for me.  It's going to take time to keep letting go.  There are some things I am still holding on to.

i love that quote, rainy.  it's applicable for me as well.  thanks for posting it. 

i'm glad your supervisor thing went well.  as far as taking care of yourself, go for it.  i think seeing which people give dirty looks are signs as to which people to steer clear of (as much as possible - those looks seem to me indications of what kind of people they are).  you'll have allies elsewhere.  not everyone judges w/o knowing.

i know this whole thing is difficult for you and i think it's a testament to your determination that you are braving this world once again.  right by your side, rainy.  love and hugs :hug:

Hi San, I am honestly in a place of questioning why I continue to do this job.  Something has shifted in me which I'm not sure is a bad thing.  But it is leaving me very disoriented and scared.
............
I am having trouble relaxing this weekend.

I go back to work on Monday but never received any communication from my supervisors on expectations for Monday.

I can't let go wondering if communication was sent out that I was left off of or if nothing was sent.

Earlier today I sent a message to my colleagues to ask.

I had some really dissatisfying interactions yesterday that I feel really ashamed by because I was upset and that came across in these interactions.  When I feel unheard or unable to manage, I feel like I may come across as "hysterical" because it at least gets some reaction.

Instead of helping or trying to get more information folks just kind of walk away and end the interaction which makes me feel bad about myself and how I can come across at times.

The balance I am trying to find is how to communicate needs that are real/true to me without dissociating. 

It occurs to me that I am more impulsive than I have realized.  I am trying to figure out how to slow down a bit. 

 :hug:

lots of realizations there, rainy, as well as lots of different things to look at and make decisions about.  i hope you don't get overwhelmed.  slowly, ok?  your own pace.  i think it's ok not to figure everything out at once.

i also think the idea of questioning whether this is the job you truly want is a good thing.  i know you're really good with the kids, so i hope you're not questioning that.  meanwhile, i hope everything is going rather smoothly now that you're back in it.  love and hugs :hug:

Quote from: rainydiary on August 17, 2024, 09:14:16 PMThe balance I am trying to find is how to communicate needs that are real/true to me without dissociating. 

It occurs to me that I am more impulsive than I have realized.  I am trying to figure out how to slow down a bit.

The recognition and self-awareness is so valuable and important, rainydiary, these things you identify I note to be familiar problems for me too. But as sanmagic said, these things don't need to be figured out all at once. Maybe that can be step one towards trying to slow down, slow down in slowing down? ;D Hmm..

Regards,
Aphotic.

San, I definitely don't question the positive impact I have on students.  I am entering a phase where I need to care for myself first and am seeing all the ways my job makes that more difficult than necessary.

Aphotic, I appreciate that you resonate and relate to this process.  It helps not being the only one.
............

This week back to work has been rough. 

My sleep is a mess.  My lower back is sore. I've had tons of weird conflicts with people.

And also I notice I am speaking up more and connecting more with others that matter.

I am seeing ways that my impact is showing up. 

It also feels like things may be a bit different under the new leadership that my department has.  We will see what they deliver on but I see them spending a lot of time listening.

Rainy, I just wanted to say I read this too. And it's almost like I hear myself talking.
Communicating about my needs (with or without dissociating), management at work changing (feels unstable and insecure), caring for yourself first, (trouble) sleeping and lower back issues. Wow.
Being aware of all this and yourself is very good I think. I hope you can relax a little too.

being there for yourself is a good phase to be going into, in my opinion, rainy.  i know how difficult it can be, and i still have problems with it from time to time.  sorry to hear you're having physical blowbacks - that's not good.  hopefully it's due to a period of adjustment and will soon pass.

i'm so glad you know the impact you have, and that you're connecting more with those who matter.  sounds positive to me.  love and hugs :hug:

Desert Flower and San, I am not able to respond to you all right now.  I appreciate you checking in.
............
I am feeling so deflated.

Today at work a person I really trusted said unhelpful things about students.  It made me realize she is part of the problem and it made me so sad.

I am sad too because I don't want to write a person off for thoughtless, uninformed comments.  But I also am feeling the weight of how much information I've shared that would support in understanding these students more.  I'm realizing that very few people have been listening and it makes me feel foolish.

The way it makes me feel is that they are saying some kids belong and some don't.  If I'm being generous, perhaps they are wanting to maintain safety of staff and students.  There is most likely perspective I don't have. But I still feel so sad and low.

I haven't felt this defeated at work in a long time.  This is usually the feeling that pushes me toward a new job.

I hear you rainy :hug:

I feel really bad for you Rainy. And you surely do not need to respond if you don't feel like it. Just know that I hear you too.  :hug:

I'm not sure this is the same thing, but I had an experience like this once, where I had a trainee that I needed to guide at work and I had shared a lot of information with her and she turned to be quite the sociopath and it made me feel very uneasy and inadequate.

But even if it turns out like this sometimes, I applaud you for sharing, it's a risk we take and we need to I think, otherwise our situation won't improve. And I should like to think we all belong.

Blueberry, I appreciate being heard here.
...
Desert Flower, last time I was just in a mental space where words wouldn't come.  Thank you for sharing your experience with me.  I am very open about my needs at work but it can be risky to be that way...or at least it was in the past.  I don't think I am actually in "danger" as I was in previous jobs but my brain doesn't know how to imagine a different outcome right now.
............
I made it through the first week.  I was pretty low feeling the past few days.  Today I woke up and decided that I don't want to let the poor behavior of my colleagues and imperfect ways they talk about kids silence me.  I had pretty much resolved to just not talk anymore which is not realistic.   :doh:


I do think I can refocus my energy and continue to evolve my approach.  I did build a really useful connection at work.  The educator that teaches art and music at our school is open to me being on her class to work with my caseload.  Many of my students would benefit a lot from practice with their skills in their natural situations.  I spent like 3 hours in the room with this teacher and not once did she make me feel bad about what I was doing (which is rare).

I also can't handle the small shared space I am assigned to anymore. I have been ignored by the principal when expressing my difficulty with the space and I can't handle her lack of understanding.  She says I belong at their school but her actions especially with things I directly ask for don't make me feel that way.

I plan to try to take kids there are little as possible.  One of my colleagues that I share with completely lacks boundaries no matter how I set them.  He interrupts my work and comes and goes randomly in ways that make me anxious and angry.  So if I can remove myself from it as often as possible to do my work then I will.

I am really drained and hope I can sleep better tonight.

Hi Rainy, I'm glad you made it through the week, and that you decided you're not gonna let your poor collegues get you down so much.  :applause:  And also that you made a good connection at work.  :cheer:

And I think you are doing very well with being open and letting others know what your needs are. And then following up on that too. I'm proud of you.

I hope you sleep well.

Hey Rainy,
I think it's great that you're able to identify the warning signs in others, like one lacking boundaries, and you being ignored by your principal. As you're doing so well, you're taking steps to either assert your boundaries or remove yourself from these troubles. :applause:

You feeling drained is completely understandable. I probably would be too.

Regards,
Aphotic.

i echo the others, rainy.  as tiring as this has been for you, i think you're doing a really good job w/ colleagues and boundaries.  i know from experience that sometimes a simple 'knock it off' can stop those rude people in their tracks.  don't know if that's appropriate here, but it's what came to mind that i would like to say to that colleague on your behalf!

i hope you've gotten some rest over the weekend.  so glad the art teacher seems to be on your side.  love and hugs :hug:

I appreciate the support Desert Flower, Aphotic, and San.  My experience has gotten a bit more complex over the past few days which I'll try to explain below.  I'm having trouble with being kind to myself.
.........
On Friday at work I let down my guard a bit more than usual in some interactions with colleagues who claim to be supportive of autistic people.  I am left feeling a bit worse for doing so - it was like they literally didn't know what to say and what they did say wasn't helpful.  I could feel their frustration which is triggering for me.

I am deeply bothered by how the Kindergarten teachers, principal, and special education teacher are approaching concerns or questions about some students coming in.  Students are already being written off as "not belonging" and school hasn't started for them. 

I already have been asked to do an evaluation for a student that the vibe is "clearly doesn't belong here."  I'm worried that by us rushing to do something we won't consider the child as a whole person and that we will miss identifying supports that will help them.  But also I'm not sure that many students can even be truly supported in the ways they need with our current systems so I feel stuck in how much and if I even speak up.

What's eating at me is feeling unable to say things in a way that is heard by others.  I am learning more about ableism and how that very much is at play in these situations.  I can communicate and communicate and communicate but if others aren't willing to check in with themselves and do something besides "what we always do" then we will remain stuck.

I also acknowledge that a lot of the stress and comments from the educators comes from a place of stress, worry, fear.  They are also held to unreasonable expectations and also lack knowledge and support for complex student needs.  Lots of systems and mindset change needs to take place.

But the outright prejudice of disabled people that is just accepted as "normal" is wearing on me.  My relationship and understanding of this changed over time and is intolerable to me. 

Hi Rainy, I'm really sorry you're feeling this way. And from what you say, I can totally understand too.

Quote from: rainydiary on September 02, 2024, 04:03:03 PMBut also I'm not sure that many students can even be truly supported in the ways they need with our current systems

I think so too Rainy, sadly our school systems seem to be organised around some non-existing average person. And all the kids just seem to have to fit into this mold. Like pushing all these star-shaped, round, whatever-shaped humans through this one size square hole.
(My son's teacher from last year had really made some good adjustments for him in the classroom and he had really begun to feel and perform better. And I just today had a conversation with his teacher for this year who basically said that she wasn't going to make any adjustments unless he ask. Knowing that asking would be difficult for him. So there you go. We'll have to take extra care with him.)
Sorry if this post is too much about me. I just wanted to say I get it.

And I think it's true what you say about being heard. There's this little joke that we have that says: You can't get a waitress to see you until she wants to see you (to take your order that is). People won't hear you until they're ready to change. It's hard.

I do hope you feel better soon. And don't give up. A hug if that's okay, of not, please disregard.  :hug:

Desert Flower, I appreciate you sharing your experience and don't mind.  It helps me feel less alone.  I am sorry to hear about your son - I don't agree with his new teacher's approach and hope that things will go ok for him.
.........
For a while I've had this vague sense of something I don't exactly know how to describe.

I feel like something is missing.  I feel a huge hole where safety and support and family growing up wasn't. 

I'm feeling desire to express creatively.  I'll work toward that.

Slowly I am figuring out ways to mostly help me sleep better.  Not having a job that drains me so much would help a lot but while I am doing what I am doing, it helps figuring out what sort of helps.

Today was hard.  I spent time in a Kindergarten classroom and was really disgusted by what I experienced.  This was the first day of class and I was there to observe the student I overheard folks complaining about last week.

The mindset of this teacher just astonished me.  I observed kids ready to learn and be engaged and all I saw was her wearing their personalities down.  It made me so sad.

The child that I was there to learn more about was lovely.  I personally think that if that teacher actually tried to engage any of the children in her room it would be amazing.  I think this particular child could be supported in her class.  But I imagine I will lose and they will put her in a separate class.

The art teacher was even a bit too sharp and uncool to some of my students today and it hurt me to see. The difference for me with this teacher is that I think she and I are developing rapport so I think I will be able to talk to her about these things.  Maybe not this month but I think she and I can work toward something. 

I kept thinking about what Desert Flower said.  The image of the server not being ready to see you until they are ready to see you was really helpful.  I am disappointed in my colleagues and hope that more of them will be ready to see me. Being ignored by them and watching them struggle when I have offered help is really annoying and hurtful. 

it's so discouraging to hear all this, rainy.  really sorry you have to deal with it.  i don't understand people who are in a position to help kids who need extra help having attitudes and ignorance.  ugh! i've long held the theory that most people in the helping professions go by the 'bell jar' vision - 80% of people do, indeed, fall w/in the range of the bell jar, but there is a 10% of people who fall into the little flip on one side, and 10% who fall into the little flip on the other side.  it's these 20% who often get overlooked and are treated as 'normal'.

you are one of the few professionals who are willing to look outside the 'norm' and are able to 'see' the 20% and treat them accordingly.  it's so frustrating to work w/ others who don't.  i know this from experience, both as a colleague and as a client/patient.  know that i hear you and am standing with you.  this ain't easy by any means!

good luck w/ the sleep stuff.  i've been rethinking how to sleep for myself recently.  i hope you find something that works for you.  love and hugs

San, thank you for the encouragement and perspective. 

It is discouraging.  I want to ask that educator how she would feel if her first day of work was constant being told all the ways she was on her own and how no one would help her with skills she has not yet learned. 

As I was thinking about that educator, I think she may have unidentified neurodivergence.  I think a lot of the educators at that school do.  I think a part of them subconsciously treat the kids the way they do because they are scared of a part of themselves they aren't able to face.

The sleep piece I realized is I get anxious about not hearing my alarm.  So for years anxiety has driven me awake.  I decided to try a wrist alarm.  Wearing a watch is too uncomfortable so I got a band that is just an alarm.  It's worked so far.
.........

Today was unique. 

I had reached out the new school counselor last week to say I am open to collaboration. I told him that I have unique perspective about autism and trauma.  He acknowledged my email.  I wasn't expecting much.

Today he stopped by my workspace and asked to hear more about my perspective.  He listened to me and gave me space.  I was glad to say out loud some of the things I needed to say, mostly that I needed to say "I feel alone."  He emphasized that I am not alone and when he said it I believed him. 

I don't know what will come of that conversation but it was meaningful to me.  I am finding it hard to accept being treated with respect. 

Quote from: rainydiary on September 04, 2024, 11:40:43 PM.  I think a part of them subconsciously treat the kids the way they do because they are scared of a part of themselves they aren't able to face.

Yes, Rainy, I think so too. That goes for many many people I think.

And it's so great to hear about your experience with the new school counselor! Very meaningful indeed.  :cheer:

And I recognize it's hard to be treated with respect too, or in my case to take a compliment. We're not used to it I think. But we do deserve it, like everybody else!

Thank you Desert Flower.  :hug:
............

I didn't sleep as well as I would have liked last night.  My hormonal cycles impact me at times and that was the case last night.

I feel emotionally unwell today.  I would like to stay home.  But I need to stretch out my sick days across the school year.

Lately I've had this nagging sense I live my life wrong and that I will never truly be ok.  It's like because my parents couldn't be what I needed I am doomed to always feel separate from others.

I am more myself than ever before and hoping that others will see that, that at some point I will form more genuine connections.

There is also that I genuinely am more solitary and that doesn't feel "ok" within society.  I'm "supposed" to want to be around others.  At times I do but mostly I want to be on my own and struggle with feeling ok with that.

I mostly just feel disappointed in myself and in other people right now.  I think my hormonal cycle is contributing a lot to my mindset right now and I don't like when that happens.

Hi Rainy, I hope you made it through the day.

I think and hope that as we get more comfortable with being ourselves, we won't mind so much what others think. And that includes wanting to be alone because it feels better. And then not beating ourselves up for choosing what feels better for us.

(And here I go again, yes I can relate, this hormonal cycle is also troubling me today. When I recognize it though, it's not as bad, not resisting it so much and knowing it will go away again.)

Take care  :hug:

Desert Flower, I appreciate your support.
.........
Today had a good spot.

I took a chance to tell my new supervisor about my big vision and she is aligned with it too.

I think she will help give me chances to work on things that are truly important to me.

Hi Rainydiary,
Wow, this is great.  I am glad to hear your new supervisor is being supportive in that way.  I really hope you are able to work on things that are truly important to you. 

Hope  :)

Thank you, Hope.  I am curious and excited to see where this may lead.
............

I want to write about something that is embarrassing but also feels important that I am noticing in a different way.

I am noticing that I am infatuated with the new school counselor at my job.  He was so nice in the conversation we had on Wednesday and then followed up with me yesterday on something he wanted to clarify and my brain is making meaning (I think) based on deep, deep, deep unmet needs and wishes I have.

I have encountered the word limerence and even though I feel a bit confused by it also think it describes what is happening. 

This type of infatuation has happened to me at many times across my life.  I feel embarrassed and ashamed by it especially since it makes me question what I am still missing even though I am married.

I am also trying to be compassionate to myself.  My parents hurt me and there is still a part or parts of me seeking what they didn't give.  I also entered into marriage without all the things I know now. 

So much has happened in the past year and my husband and I are in a different place than we were before.  I still have a lot of questions and uncertainty with our relationship but I also think more time is needed for the "dust" to settle.

In the past I wouldn't have been aware of what is happening in the way I am now.  It is really uncomfortable though.  Being a person is such a weird experience.

Quote from: rainydiary on September 07, 2024, 05:42:53 PMIn the past I wouldn't have been aware of what is happening in the way I am now.  It is really uncomfortable though.  Being a person is such a weird experience.

:hug:

Quote from: rainydiary on September 07, 2024, 05:42:53 PMBeing a person is such a weird experience.

Yes it is.

I think it's very brave (if awkward) of you to write this here and it shows great insight in who you are and what your needs are and how that came about. And I can totally understand because it's so important that we be heard and seen after all these years of neglect and abuse. We really need that and we deserve it too. Nothing wrong with that.

 :yeahthat: it definitely is!

i also think it brave of you to write about it here, DF.  i now know that a lot of my sexual encounters were directly related to a lack of touch in my childhood, even if i didn't know it at the time.  it's weird at the same time making a lot of sense that our childhood experiences can make a huge impact on how we see other people as adults, and the meanings placed on them in our minds.

i looked up 'limerence' - only you will be able to tell if that's what's going on, but from a trauma perspective, it's interesting, i think.  take care of you with this, ok?  love and hugs :hug:

Chart, I appreciate the care.

Desert Flower, thank you for what you said.

San, the more I think about that word limerence, the less I think it describes what is going on.  I think it was coined before trauma was understood as it is now.  I do think my relationship to men (plus so much more) is more an indication of trauma and attachment needs.

.........

I am feeling a bit drained.  I bought season tickets to a theater I enjoy going to for plays.  Today was the first play of the season.

Unfortunately I didn't care for the play much and got really overwhelmed by the people sitting next to me. I've sat near them before.

They were laughing really loud and making comments the whole time.  They were clearly enjoying themselves and it was also a lot.

I am still feeling pretty confused and asking a lot of questions.

Right now I am struggling with how I "shouldn't" feel the way I do about my co-worker.

I'm trying to add self-compassion in - I didn't choose this feeling and this feeling is information I can explore.  I do think I "should" be mindful of how I interact with this person but the feeling itself is a feeling.

I am trying to embrace what I am feeling rather than resisting and ignoring it like I usually do. 

Relationships with other still remain the hardest thing in my life.  I am so worn out.

I'm sorry you feel worn out Rainy. Wishing you well. :hug:

Quote from: rainydiary on September 09, 2024, 01:46:44 AMSan, the more I think about that word limerence, the less I think it describes what is going on.  I think it was coined before trauma was understood as it is now.  I do think my relationship to men (plus so much more) is more an indication of trauma and attachment needs.

Rainydiary,
Thank you for bringing this up!!! It really clicked for me. My feelings of attraction are very definitely most often that abandonment wound wanting to be filled. I've always (unconsciously) known this. The concept of limerence should indeed be looked at from a new (trauma) perspective.

Quote from: rainydiary on September 09, 2024, 01:46:44 AMI'm trying to add self-compassion in - I didn't choose this feeling and this feeling is information I can explore.  I do think I "should" be mindful of how I interact with this person but the feeling itself is a feeling.

I am trying to embrace what I am feeling rather than resisting and ignoring it like I usually do. 

Relationships with other still remain the hardest thing in my life. I am so worn out.

I so relate to this. I did this for years. But let me say I think that you're on the right track. As we listen more and more to our emotions this allows their "processing" and we can pass on to other things. This frees up immense amounts of energy that we'd previously been throwing into our wrangled emotions. But it is a work, and it does take a long time... But it's worth it I believe.

Desert Flower, I appreciate the care.

Chart, I appreciate the idea of freeing up energy.  I think that is what has been going on for me.
.........

I am feeling really depleted after work.

It wasn't a particularly taxing day personally...well, let me rephrase that.

It was taxing because of the garbage I witnessed today.  Teachers making comments about kids in front of kids that just shouldn't happen.  Teachers making rules like "be kind" and breaking their own rules with their behavior.  Teachers having posters on their walls about diversity but not wanting diverse learners in their rooms. 

I want to scream at all of them. I have ideas and perspective.  But they won't hear me.  I am so upset.

Quote from: rainydiary on September 09, 2024, 10:41:06 PMTeachers making comments about kids in front of kids that just shouldn't happen.  Teachers making rules like "be kind" and breaking their own rules with their behavior.  Teachers having posters on their walls about diversity but not wanting diverse learners in their rooms. 

I want to scream at all of them.

I would want to scream too rainy.  That would feel infuriating to me.

One of the insidious "benefits" of Cptsd and developmental trauma is the capacity to clearly see hypocrisy.

Learning how to manage the stress this awareness brings is yet another task on the long list of things we have to do like finding balance and healthy/effective emotional reactions.
 ???  :stars:  :fallingbricks:

I relate Rainy...

lostwanderer, thank you for joining me in the scream.

Chart, I appreciate the reminder that I am also managing and trying to balance a lot.
.........

Today I tried to be an advocate for students but worry I just upset a ton of people.

I have been trying to notice my tendency to want to control things.  It is hard to not want to control how unpleasant and hurtful we can be to one another.

Something weighing on me today is that I made a mistake with a student today.  This student uses an augmentative communication app on an iPad as their spoken communication is limited. 

Today a new classmate introduced themselves and this student told them he doesn't know his name.  So I told the new student his name.

I wish I hadn't spoken for him.  The look he gave me was complex.  I am so challenged working with this student because it is complex helping him and I have my own biases and lack of awareness that I bring.

I apologized to him at the end of the day for speaking for him and he patted me on the shoulder to say it's ok. 

I am noticing my infatuation with my co-worker at least isn't increasing.  I do wish we could speak more just because I think he genuinely is the only person at that school that can more closely relate to my experience.  And also I'm not interested in pushing interactions unnaturally.

I am trying to take it easy the rest of the day.

 :hug:

and this is the difference between someone truly in recovery and someone who isn't - you sought out that child and apologized.  well done, rainy! :thumbup:  you're a beautiful being, and that kid knows it. 

i hope you get more time w/ your co-worker, too, just because it would feel good to be in the presence of someone on your side.  you've struggled so much w/ this stuff, he sounds like a breath of fresh air.  love and hugs :hug:

Chart, I appreciate the care.

San, thank you.  I think my missteps with that student in particular are also a reflection of me and pressure I feel as a communicator.  He and I will be ok. 

I appreciate your reflection about my colleague - it is nice to have a different kind of person because yes so many are really awful and I am working too hard for those that don't want me.  I am noticing more people coming to me that are genuinely interested and I am working to give my energy there.
......

I wanted to write a reflection about some positives that are coming to mind.

It's been helpful to have the workspace at work to myself.  That will change next week and I am wondering how I will manage.  I've mostly made a decision to not engage with my office mates as much and just focus on what I need.  I was too accommodating to them last year. 

I am enjoying working in the room with the art teacher.  It isn't perfect, but it is giving me a chance to know more students which helps students I work with too because it helps me teach kids how to be responsive communication partners.  It's helpful too to see the barriers my students face in real time. 

Earlier this week a parent of a student I worked with last year emailed me and asked me to call her.  I hate phone calls and didn't want to, but it seemed important given that she was reaching out (which she didn't do last year). 

When I called her she shared her frustration with changes that were made to the preschool program and the negative impact it will have on her child.  I 100% agree with her and had the same thoughts. I told her I agreed and would do my best to raise her concerns and share my own.  Which I did.

The responses we received back were not supportive. My supervisor basically said "we know, we are working on it" and had the gumption to suggest I tell the parent how to support her child's communication at home (which is not the point and insulting to say to me because I am already doing that).  The student's teacher said "The classroom we have now lets me individualize to each student" which is not at all what happens.

I was amused by the parent's response to me which was "that response was to be expected. We will keep fighting."  It made me like her so much.  So I have another ally in a different form.

Tomorrow I have a small medical procedure that I am a bit worried about.  I am worried about pain and the awkwardness of the procedure as it relates to my reproductive system.  I will take a half day off work.  I decided against a full day because I know I would just sit at home and worry. 

Good luck with the procedure Rainy, I understand one would worry about that, it's good you recognized it and are taking care as much as is helpful. I hope it goes well.

hope the procedure goes well, rainy.  i think the half day was a good call.  love and hugs :hug:

I wish you the best with your procedure, and hope it goes well.  Sending you hugs  :hug:  :hug:
Hope  :)

rainy, I hope the procedure goes well :hug:

Desert Flower, San, Hope, and Blueberry - thank you for the wishes.  It is over and I am feeling cramped but hopefully that will ease.  I suppose we'll see how I feel tomorrow.
......

I am feeling weird after my doctor appointment and distressed by something that happened at work today.

A university in our state reached out to the school where I work to see if they would participate in a program that is supposed to train teachers on managing "challenging behaviors" in autistic children.

That phrasing gave me bad vibes and I did some research on the program.  It is basically training teachers in a methodology that is often used with autistic kids and that has been proven to cause trauma because it is essentially encouraging kids to stop being autistic (which you can't do).

This methodology doesn't address or acknowledge how our brains work or trauma - it is all focused on behaviorism.  I resist the notion that we as people can be reduced to positive and negative reinforcement for all aspects of our being.

My colleagues are excited about the training and mean well.  But I know that this would make things worse the autistic kids in our school and for me. 

My husband shared his perspective on how he would frame this with my colleagues.  But I don't agree with him or at least think I should say things the way I want to say them even if I am ignored.

Because at the end of the day I will say something. 

Wanting to get some thoughts out this morning before work.

I slept fine until 1 am and could not get back to sleep.

I am upset about my cat and work.

When I was getting dressed this morning, I had this warm sensation across my shoulders.  It felt like something or someone was comforting me. 

This morning I need to acknowledge how despite saying I planned to use my energy differently with my colleagues, I am not.  I am still fighting and trying to get them to see things they clearly don't want to see.

I used a website called Magic To Do which uses AI to help me write an email to my colleague I don't want to participate in the research.  I said my reasons and what I plan to do instead.

I want other people to hear what I'm saying but I'm tired.  I need to regroup and refocus my energy.  There are people willing to be respectful that I will focus on.

RD, I applaud your courage and position. You believe something and I'm thinking you certainly know the subject. And you're doing something about it, and going against the current at work.

Just a little anticipation: IF some or certain colleges "don't get it", dont fall into stress or get overly frustrated. Focus on what you can and did do. After, there're always certain people who will disagree and not see the problems in the process. Remember, this is not your responsibility.

I might be off-base anticipating all this. Don't hesitate to let me know.

Quote from: rainydiary on September 13, 2024, 02:28:43 PMThis morning I need to acknowledge how despite saying I planned to use my energy differently with my colleagues, I am not.  I am still fighting and trying to get them to see things they clearly don't want to see.

This is so relatable to me.  Granted it's not about my colleagues but I understand this feeling.  I know when I find myself in a place where I'm doing something I don't want to do, that feels super frustrating.  I know for me it can be so easy to get down on myself but as someone on the outside, I would bet there's a good reason why you find yourself using your energy in that way still.  Either way, that sounds difficult and I'm sorry rainy.

For me these kinds of situations just take me back to my family dynamic. I've been conscious of that for a long time. Breaking those patterns in myself has been hard but I've definitely made progress over the years. For me it's all about "holding my ground" AND letting go (which is different from "giving up".)

This is a huge subject, but I just want to point out two "tactics" important in maintaining a moral position. One is "over-defending". As the years have passed I've realized that I need to save my energy and stop arguing much much sooner. I do this by switching the subject to the fact that we don't agree. And I dont get pulled back into the original subject. Just simply, we don't agree... And now I'm going to go have a tea, you want one. (End open and neutral.)

The second tactic is Silence. Using silence at important points and letting it work for me. Not responding to provocation is an obvious moment to use this. Pausing and letting time and silence hang there.

When I use these tactics it helps me to be conscious of the fact that it's going to be VERY HEALTHY for me to walk away from this situation and NOT carry it around with me all day. I want and need to let it go.

But I'm very likely digressing here so I'm gonna stop.

I hope your situation is not continuing to cause stress RD. Sending support
 :hug:

Chart, I definitely am working through the stress of people not getting it.  I am realizing some dynamics from my upbringing that are at play here and will retire more below.

...
lostwanderer, thank you for your reflection.  I do think I turn the pain on myself and it is helpful to remind myself that even if it isn't helping me, there is a reason I do what I do. 
.........

I slept soundly last night and am having big thoughts this morning that I will try to get down.  I am still processing but it can help to try to say what is coming up.

I am especially bothered by the response of two particular colleagues.  One is the principal of the school and the other is the special education teacher. 

They both speak about wanting students (and me) to feel a sense of belonging and speak supportively to me about the experience of autistic people and disabled people. 

Their actions and words often directed at kids but sometimes me speak a different message.  I've seen them both say mean things about colleagues and even their response and treatment of me has been mean at times. 

My issue isn't that because my actions and words don't always match what my aims and intentions are...but the lack of reflection and willingness to try something different or even just to hear me hurt so much.  I see them digging their heels in and becoming defensive. 

Last night I saw someone post something in an autism group I am in on social media.  They suggested that for autistic people trying to inform others of things can be a trauma response.  While that is just someone's idea or perspective, it really resonated with me.  I've been informing and informing and informing trying to be heard and that phase needs to stop or take a different shape.

This morning I went for a walk and listened to songs that help me process my feelings.  I am feeling lighter inside and think I am healing and growing something here.

I realized that the special education teacher visually reminds me of my mother at times.  She sort of looks like my mom and steamrolls my experience like my mom.  I think part of me has been stuck in trying to win her approval.

Then it occurred to me this teacher and principal have sort of become my work parents and that dynamic has also put pressure on me to try to be pleasing.

I am recognizing ways I've been trying hard to exert control.  I have so many reasons for doing that and it is growth that I am seeing it.  I think that is part of why the past few days have hurt so much - I see what I'm doing, see it's not working, and trying a different way feels scary because I don't know how the new way will go (whereas continuing to force myself on the notice of others results in stuff I have dealt with before).

I hope that when I go to work on Monday it will be more whole and more myself.

Rainy, your outrage and grief over these situations is 100% well founded and caring and correct. I hope one day you are able to be in a position to make the big changes needed around you but for now just a reminder that I know you know...you individually can and DO make a huge difference to those kids. A kind comment from you later "hey I saw that and that wasn't OK for her to say to you and by the way these are all the awesome things I see about you" that kind of thing can often erase any damage done by the original comment. You have all that power and the heart to use it. And you do, all the time. But it's exhausting and must be triggering to witness that behavior so much. My heart goes out to you.

I noticed that per Kizzie's announcement, some posts from San and Blueberry aren't here anymore.  I remember what you all wrote and appreciate your support. 
......
Right now I am close to needing to leave for work.

I am thinking about how at times I don't know how to think about myself but through the eyes of others.

I feel very alone at work and I am not enjoying it. 

hey, rainy, yeah, my post disappeared in another journal, too.  thanks for saying this, cuz it helped me not go nuts thinking i'd written something but not finding it.

i think i've seen myself only thru the eyes of others on many occasions.  not having a good sense of self will do that, won't it.

i wish your work situation was better, wish i could help.  know that i'm by your side if you need me.  love and hugs :hug:

I appreciate the care, San. 
.........
Today is feeling hard.

I am crying.  In some ways that is good because it means I am connecting with what I feel.

What I am feeling today is grief.

I am missing the three colleagues that were actually respectful and supportive of me last year.

Two quit our school district because it isn't easy working there.  The other was moved to another school (ironically to the one I was moved from and didn't want to leave).

I am realizing that I could be myself with these three people and say things I needed to say.

That is gone now and I am struggling to find the support they gave me.

It is making me feel really hurt and alone.

I do think seeing that I am grieving is a helpful thing. 

I get you would be grieving that Rainy.
It's really important we have some people that support us. We can feel really lonely without it.

I hope you feel our support here Rainy. Take care.

Thank you Desert Flower, I do.
.........

I had a weird day and want to get some thoughts out before I try to sleep.  I think I will just write what comes to mind so it won't be cohesive.

I spoke to a colleague at work that is feeling more trusted and definitely cried when talking to her. The unfortunate part is this took place in the teacher lounge so it was witnessed by many.

I think my infatuation with the school counselor is decreasing and he has become human again and has been disappointing after a good start although some of that judgment is me feeling ashamed of becoming infatuated.

I had to share my office space with someone today who has been given an unreasonable workload.  It isn't my responsibility to care for her and also her overwhelm will impact my work and shared space. On Mondays I will have to deal with two adults in addition to me in the space which is my nightmare.  And who knows if that schedule will remain.  I am trying to let it go as much as I can but that is hard.

I still feel very uncomfortable at this school and I'm not really sure what to do.

I wish I could stay home tomorrow but I committed to doing a presentation and need to show up.

The days where I don't see students are too hard.

I didn't sleep enough last night.

I have a presentation at work today I am excited and anxious about.

I am realizing that some of my discomfort these days is because I am taking up more space and speaking up more.

That feels so scary and terrifying...and it is also so necessary.

I hope the presentation went all right.

And yes Rainy, I can totally relate to feeling very uncomfortable because of speaking up for yourself. It feels absolutely terrifying. But you are doing so great. As a matter of fact, I wanted to let you know you are part of my inspiration to go through with speaking up for myself at the office as well and I now managed to secure my own reserved desk at work although there is no policy for it and it was unexpected for people and although I know many many more ('normal' - there aren't any in my view) people would like a reserved space as well in this awful 'flexible' office. And I felt very very uncomfortable standing there and having to say "I have an invisible disorder" (it was all I could think of) but now that I've got it, it feels very nice. And I'm very proud of me and very proud of you for sticking up for yourself. Keep it up if you can. And take care.

Desert Flower, I appreciate you sharing your experience and thank you.

.........

As I was driving to work something occurred to me which is helping me feel a bit better.

A lot of my current challenge at work comes from being an autistic person and seeing how autistic students in particular are treated in schools.

I've been feeling so upset with my colleagues and how they are handling their experiences with their autistic students.

It occurred to me that most of my colleagues have probably not knowingly met an adult autistic person and that my representation of myself and autism is probably very disorienting and new to them.

I am not willing to excuse all of the things I see and hear especially since I offer information and learning opportunities for people.  But I also see the ways that we don't collectively learn how to talk about neurodivergence and disability in supportive ways. 

People are talking about things in ways they have learned.  I want them to learn new ways and am hurt that they aren't.  But it isn't actually personal to me and I don't have to own the choices of others.

Really remarkable insights, Rainy.  :cheer:

Quote from: rainydiary on September 19, 2024, 06:35:15 PMBut it isn't actually personal to me and I don't have to own the choices of others.

Thank you so much for this sentence, rainydiary. I struggle with thinking that I will somehow be lumbered with the choices of others. It is good to bear in mind what you said.

I'm sorry you have been feeling upset with your colleagues and I hope that situation resolves.

dear rainy,

i'm so glad for your realizations, especially since they help you feel better.  i think your observations are spot on.  nice work! 

i'm sorry you're having shame about your infatuation.  it sounded pretty 'normal' to me, given he was a sympathetic presence, even if for only a while.  i hope you can offload it.

standing up for oneself can certainly be discomforting, especially when we're not used to it.  i hope you can keep it up, tho - i think this is one personal area where practice really helps make it more familiar and easier to continue doing.  love and hugs :hug:

Armee, thank you for the cheer!
...
NarcKiddo, thank you - it isn't easy for me to believe that all the time.  :fallingbricks:
...
San, I have been thinking about the experience of standing up for myself.  I'm not sure if that is what is eating at me.  I feel confused as to what is going on.  But I am gaining practice with my "newer" me which is feeling good.
............

I will be taking my cat to the vet tomorrow and decided to take the whole day off work.  Experience has taught me that these visits are so draining and it is helpful to give myself space. 

But I am feeling guilty. I don't like missing time with students and wish work was more flexible overall.  I also think some of my guilt is because of how I'm feeling with my colleagues and I am stuck in feeling like I need to prove myself.

I don't know.  I just feel really confused right now and don't understand what is going on with me. Things are so new and different I feel disoriented.

Today I enjoyed time by the ocean, built Legos, and watched Extraordinary Attorney Woo. I've had some recovery this weekend from the week.  The coming two weeks will be busy and hopefully I can take care.

 :hug:

I appreciate the care Chart.

I need to leave for work soon and I would rather not.

Staying home yesterday was helpful.  I slept for 10 and a half hours which I haven't done in a long time.

My cat's vet visit was relatively fine.  I think she just has issues that there is no good solution for.  It's hard to say how near her time she is.  But for now we'll keep doing our best.

I have been having really intense dreams which is unnerving me.

This morning when I was out walking I also got yelled at by someone.  What they yelled was about them and not me, but I am still shaken.

I want things to feel ok at work but they don't. 

Rainy, Are you feeling unsafe or insecure at work? If this is the case it's perfectly logical that you're struggling with work. We all need safety. Is there any way to make your work environment more secure and safe for you?
 :hug:

Chart, safety is lacking and always has at work.  I am not sure exactly what will help but I am trying to sort that out.
......
I am not feeling very good about myself right now and want to try to get thoughts out before bed.

I had a lot more contact with other adults at work today and more contact with folks I am less familiar with.

My default in these situations is say things about others that while true probably aren't things I need to say out loud.

It makes me feel like a hypocrite for how upset I feel when these folks say things about kids.

It feels like a part of me can't accept that I am an adult and I still feel like a child.  And my doing this is a weird twisted coping mechanism of trying to keep the focus off of me.

I am trying to be gentle with myself.  And also identify ways I would like to shift this tendency.

I'm sorry you're struggling so Rainy. Sending you lots of support. We're okay the way we are.

an interesting note, rainy, that part of you is one way and part of you doesn't accept it.  something to think about, for sure.  i do hope you can be gentle w/ yourself - i think that's an important piece and so good that you can recognize it.  love and hugs :hug:

 :yeahthat:

Thank you Desert Flower, San, and Chart.

I am coming here to write out something that just happened.

My husband has managing headaches and migraines.  I understand it is really hard and I am trying to be understanding.  Today is a day where is having a hard time.

I came home and am feeling a bit pressed for time because I am doing a work meeting and have an art class this evening. 

I generally am still doing the bulk of our daily household chores.  I normally would have not said anything and kept my need to myself. 

I decided to express my need for help to my husband.  He did not handle it well.  He got really defensive and then went off to the grocery store in a huff. 

I wasn't meaning that this needed to be today, so I guess a future aim would be to share a timeframe.

What I was trying to express was the need for help.  My underneath feeling is how annoyed I am that I feel like at times I am more like his mother than wife and partner, especially when he is sick. 

We do have separate things that we tend to be in charge of, but we need to increase communication.  Sometimes we have to do things when we aren't well, but overall I hope we can support each other.

At the same time, his reaction was childish and I would say at times he is taking advantage of my need for control. I am trying to not cave in or feeling too guilty for expressing myself. 

It's hard to express what we need in a relationship Rainy and we're learning and I think you did well expressing your needs nonetheless, however it turned out. We will get better at it if we keep trying and you're trying all the time. I'm proud of you. Take care.

Desert Flower, I appreciate the support and care.  I'll keep trying.
......
Today was hard.  My routine was all thrown off last night and it impacted my sleep.  I do think the art class will be interesting and I am glad I am doing it, but it will take a toll.

I survived the work day but am feeling low.  It always feels like I am not doing enough and not good enough.  Someone always wants something and the way forward is often unclear.

A lot of the day I felt this weird internal pressure which I think somewhat was a headache but it's also somewhat emotional pressure.

Hopefully I can relax this afternoon and evening and sleep well tonight.

Today has been a good day and I also continue to feel so much inner turmoil.

I am painfully aware of this deepest need I have to be loved and cared for as I am.

Yes, you do deserve to be loved and cared for the way you are, absolutely!

Rainy

I want to comment on your husband's annoyance about going to the store for you. I have to admit that I've done that a few times to my wife and to her mom. In 2003, we moved her mom in with us because she wasn't taking care of herself after losing her husband to a heart attack and then losing her son to a car accident. We moved her in becuase we knew she wouldn't live long if she stayed alone.  She was too young for assisted living. We had our house torn down and rebuilt so she could have her own kitchen, bedroom, bath, living room, front entry and slider onto our shared deck. I was now the only handy person in the house. Every little drip or flickering lightbulb or broken fence board was my responsibility to fix. I was a workaholic, writing novels, and caring for the yard and my half of the house. I admit that when poor old Mom needed to ask me to fix something, I had sort of made her afraid to ask me for help. I would get subtly annoyed. I'd huff. I'd get right on it in a kind of a pissy way.

Know that this didn't happen often. I was able to give her a very, very good life for the last 14 years of her time on the earth, but that is one thing I regret when I look back. I did act a bit childish when she needed help and I wasn't in the mood to deal. I eventually fixed everything she needed and she deeply appreciated it, but still...I acted a bit like your husband, and I wish I hadn't done that. it's how my dad was. He was ALWAYS angry when i needed help with anything at all. Somehow, I became a little bit like him.

In my bathroom remodel now, I just removed a beautiful, handmade medicine cabinet that my dad had made for us back in the 1990s. Mom was tired of him under foot all the time and kept asking us kids to find excuses to take him out of the house, or have him make stuff for us in his shop so she could have a few hours of alone time.  My wife asked him for a medicine cabinet. We thought that was a nice, inexpensive, lifelong piece we could have with his signature on it. He got angry. Huffed. "FINE!" he said. He went home and made it in a hurry and brought it to us still in a pissy mood. He did that with a lot of stuff, almost all of which I've hauled to the dump because it just made me angry and hurt to look at it. I have a choice to make now with this cabinet. Reuse it? Sell it? Give it to a friend? Or throw it away so I can stop remembering his anger at having had to make it for us.

I don't know if your husband had a father like mine, or if he just was hurting that day or what. But I can say that I have a lot of regret for the few times I did a bit of that to my Mother-In-law and my wife. I don't do it often. But I've done it maybe a half dozen times in my life and I know it really bothered them when I did it.

On behalf of men everywhere who do this>>> Sorry about that.

I used to love the Red Greene show out of Canada. The lodge he filmed from had a mantra that went:  "I'm a man. But I change. If I have to. I guess."

Desert Flower, thank you.  :)
...
Papa Coco, I appreciate you sharing your experience.  I think a lot of the way my husband acts is unresolved stuff with his FOO.  He is exploring underlying stuff right now and is maybe not feeling his best.  Hopefully that exploration will help our relationship in the long run.
.........
I came here to write about a some instances of love I've experienced or witnessed lately.

The first is an imaginary one.  I am watching a TV show on Netflix called the Extraordinary Attorney Woo.  It is a Korean show about an autistic attorney.  In the show, there is a guy that likes Attorney Woo and his care and sweetness to her is really landing in my heart.

Another instance was this afternoon.  I had a meeting with a family I met with last year.  This family, to my trained CPTSD eye, has some family trauma going on.  I won't repeat what the child's grandparent said last year but it was something that made me feel really uneasy in the way this student was being treated at home.

I was dreading the meeting today for a variety of reasons.  Today it was apparent to me that this family has shifted since last year and seem to be healing. 

The grandparent was trying to not speak for her child who is the student's mom.  The grandparent said she is learning that her grandchild needs connection and that she tries to hug her grandchild more.  Nothing that happened was perfect but it was something I was happy to witness even though no one else realized I was witnessing it.

Those are really nice things to witness Rainy. Things to warm your heart.

It is nice to notice good things Desert Flower.
......
Since it is a new month, I often have some goals for myself.  This month my goals are to rest when I need to and turn towards others.

I am going to call in sick to work tomorrow because I need that downtime and I don't have anything pressing to do.  Hopefully it can be a restful day.

I am thinking about what is next for me.  I might apply to the school district where I live.  I might just stick it out where I am depending on how other opportunities open up. 

I'm just feeling unhappy and not sure what make it better.  My unhappiness is both the same and different than it has been in the past.  I am not running away like I have in the past and also ever hopeful that I will find some like minded people to work with.

Today I was supporting a kindergarten class and one student asked if I would hold her hand.  I did for a while and then stopped because touch can be a lot.  I found it to be a precious moment because she advocated for herself, sought consent, and accepted my boundaries.  I think she just needed some support.

But I get self-conscious of how other adults would view my actions.  I operate so differently from my colleagues and I think they resent me for it.  I am feeling how much my colleagues don't like me right now.  I'm not sure that it's that they don't like me...I just am so different from them. 

rainy, i wish you didn't have to endure that 'different' feeling w/ your colleagues.  i also wish they could recognize your unique ability to see things w/ the students that need to be seen.

glad to hear you'll be doing more to take care of yourself, like taking a day off.  i think that's an excellent way to show self-care.  love and hugs :hug:

San I do too.  I'm trying to not let it get me down but it is getting to me.  I'm trying to focus on the relationships that are working but it feels so overwhelming right now.
.........
My day off was not what I was expecting.  I had trouble getting to sleep last night and my cat woke me up too early.

I realized that what I needed more than rest was to get some things done that were weighing me down. 

I did go swimming which I enjoyed mostly.  I hadn't gone in a while so it wore me out more than I expected.

I'm not currently able to relax on a day I take off the same way as a weekend or "official" day off work.

Nothing particularly went wrong today beyond an annoying interaction I had with someone at the grocery store but I just felt off today.

Hi Rainydiary,
I hope your Art class is enjoyable.  I am glad you enjoyed your swimming. 

It's so nice when a TV programme is enjoyable, and the series you're watching sounds very nice. 

Sorry that you had trouble getting off to sleep last night.  Plus being woken too early - that can really have an effect on the day. I hope you get a better night tonight.

 :hug:
Hope

Thank you Hope.  Sleep has been up and down but hopefully it will get back on track for a few days.  I'm trying to appreciate that I am enjoying things these days.
......
I am generally feeling frustration and dissatisfaction in my relationship with others.

I am overtired and may feel less overwhelmed in the morning.  But I just wish it wasn't so hard with other people.

Today (Sunday) is not feeling good.

I had an ok day on Saturday.  Today I just feel lousy physically and emotionally.

I can't figure out if I am getting sick or if this is hormonal changes after the procedure I had a few weeks ago.

I feel like I want to run and run and run away and be myself for as long as it takes.

I don't know why now but I just feel extreme distress over having poor attachment because of how my parents treated me.  It feels like there is this deep wound that will always hurt and I feel powerless to improve.

Hi Rainydiary, I'm sorry for you and for me. I feel much the same. I've been revisiting attachment theory this weekend and realizing the conditions that have brought me so much pain all my life. Seems I still have some work to do.
Sending hugs and support
 :hug:

I'm sorry for you too Rainy and Chart as well. I know how it feels. Feeling crappy myself today. Take care as much as you can.  :hug:

Thanks DF. Perhaps there's some cosmic alignment somewhere and we're all on the same meridian. Whoever finds the exit first be sure to give the others a heads up where it is...
 :grouphug:

Chart, I hope we find as much healing as we can.

Desert Flower, I appreciate you checking in and hope you are finding moments of ease.
......

I didn't sleep well last night.  My mind wouldn't settle so I often felt like I wasn't sleeping even though I was. 

I have had really vivid dreams lately.  Sometimes in those times of vivid dreams important truth comes out.  A theme that has been coming up is a deep desire for connection.

Work was hard in that I had a lot of undesired interactions.  The one that made me most angry is how certain coworkers expect me to be happy.  They push that toxic positivity towards kids too.  I'm left feeling a bit shaken like I did something wrong for not wanting to talk about my weekend in a way deemed appropriate by someone who is too much in her interactions with kids.

The best part of today: I was walking to my car and recognized a student I work with in their car heading home.  It was the family I mentioned last week whose steps toward healing I witnessed.

Her grandmother stopped the car, rolled down the window, and waved at me with a huge smile.  I felt so seen.

I also felt so appreciated in that moment.  Last week I worked really hard to prepare some information for the student's parent.  I hope it is helpful to them.  That may be some of why the grandma waved.

This maybe sounds silly, but sometimes I see these moments as ways I am finding family. I hope they keep building because there is a lot of garbage I am still wading through.

Hi Rainy, I recognize what you're saying about connection, being seen and toxic positivity.

Hey Rainy, Yes, some relieving healing would be really welcome. I was happy to hear about your feeling of recognition with the student's family you helped. That's a good moment. And yeah, people who "push" positivism really annoy me. It's actually one of the aspects of French culture that I really appreciate: a certain integrity to how they're really feeling. People say the French are often rude, but I find more often than not they're just expressing what they really think and feel.
 :hug:   

Desert Flower, thank you.

Chart, I definitely want to tell how it how it is but over time have gotten a lot of negative feedback.  I am trying to listen to that negativeness less because I don't think "keeping the peace" is always the right thing.
.........

I am really struggling today.

It seems that my husband has developed long COVID. 

I am trying to be supportive but am taking on more than I have previously. 

I am overwhelmed and grumpy and unhappy. 

Talking with others makes it worse because it feels like people don't understand the depth of what I feel.

I'm not sure what I need right now.

The past few days have been really challenging professionally and personally.

I'm feeling upset like I am backsliding.

I wasn't nice to my husband earlier today because I am overwhelmed and he keeps crossing boundaries I am trying to set.

I am taking the day off work tomorrow.  I don't think it will be restful and I mostly need it to take care of things around the house.

I feel like a huge hypocrite.  I work so hard to advocate for being accommodating of others at work and I can't even do it with my husband.

I think I am probably in some type of extended EF.  Over the years there have been different versions of unwellness for him.

In the past those times have been extremely hard and usually involved his family sticking their nose in our business and him "getting better" as soon as he got his way.

So I have an unfortunate habit of seeing his illness as somewhat overblown because it has been in the past.  I can't shake the impression that his body is dealing with trauma. 

We are in a different place than we have been in the past.  But it is still hard and I am really angry at him and at myself. It is helpful to recognize that I am probably in an EF. Hopefully that will help me find some rest.

Hey Rainy, just wanted to say I'm with you.

I'm not feeling well at all myself but I just wanted to say I had long COVID and I can definitely say this was completely related to my trauma responses. If you ever want to exchange any information on that, just let me know.

I do still admire your awareness of everything that is going on. And I hope you will find some rest.

Hi Rainy,

I just wanted to say that I think it's very self aware of you to realize that you might not be giving as much as you expect of other people. I also wanted to say that I think it's a sign of empathy and that your heart is probably working fine to give space to thoughts like that (as it shows concern for other people).

Long covid is a big, confusing thing that a lot of doctors don't seem to know very much about. In my readings about my own health issues, I have come across peoples' experiences with it as it correlates to some of my symptoms, but I don't believe I actually developed long covid. I've cut out a lot of inflammatory things for me (gluten is the big one), so I don't think I reacted as strongly to it. Although anecdotal and just their personal opinions, people found that the vaccine "woke up" latent mycotoxin, lyme, and/or other infections and activated MCAS/HI. All things doctors don't test of course, and which also then will fly under the radar. So, all your test results will be "fine." If you're interested, have a look at into histamine, and the underlying cause of why there is high histamine:

https://www.drbrianlum.com/post/long-covid-symptom-histamine-intolerance


These are some of the ones I came across, but you might find something else searching on the forum:

https://www.reddit.com/r/ToxicMoldExposure/s/80WpkNU50d

https://www.reddit.com/r/ToxicMoldExposure/s/vLHENIr8FK

All the best,
dolly

Desert Flower, I appreciate you sharing your experience.  Thank you for supporting me.
...
Dolly, thank you for sharing your knowledge and research.  It is helpful to have this information.
.........
I ended up staying home from work which was helpful.  I have been busy but have done things that are important to me to get done.  One thing I think I will move toward is working part time in the future. 

Identifying that I was in an EF helped.  It took the energy out of the EF. I still haven't fully become present but I'm at least able to take better care.

I did mention to my husband that I was being activated by past events which he acknowledged as making sense.  It is a positive that we had that conversation because in the past we wouldn't have.

Something I realized the other day is that I have attachment wounds to heal in my relationship to my husband.  I have known that and have also not been able to deal with it.  Some of it is because of how he responds to my need for emotional processing of the wounding events and some of it is because I'm scared of healing.

I am noticing his interactions with his family about his illness.  I realized that this is one of the only ways they can relate to each other. They relate over being ill and being arrogant about all the things they know and how superior they are.  Meanwhile there is no emotional connection and no actual support.

It upsets me and frustrates me because he still interprets this as "support" from his "normal" family.  And because they do this and lack boundaries, he is used to having people just go along and make him the center of attention.

Some of our falling apart the other day is that he said I am stressing him out and he can't be stressed right now.  This really made me angry because he has no issue stressing me out and expecting me to hold it all together.  I don't want to be mean to my husband and also there is only so much one person can take especially when there are double standards.

And then we never return to and repair these moments. It's like it never happened in his mind but to me it is so very real.  Tons of moments like that have built up over time. 

I think that is some of why we also got stuck this week and is part of the attachment wounding.  I want to engage emotionally and he often doesn't know how to do that or just says I am stressing him out.

This leaves me feeling alone and questioning our relationship.  And leads me to fantasizing about someone else out there that would be a better fit for me.  And then I get upset because I don't want to be defined by a relationship and want to feel good as myself regardless of my relationship status. 

Some days it feels so hard to bear growing up in a family that didn't meet my needs and me repeating that pattern in marriage.  Many things have improved between my husband and I and yet there is still work to be done.

Whew, I have stirred up some old things inside.

Something that can be helpful to me is to write my future self a letter.

Today I was reflecting on the beginning of my relationship with my husband when we first met.

And in writing myself a letter I realized I needed to go further back for the hurt that is still present.  Back before I met him.

I found myself writing about college.  The hurt and trauma I experienced in college is something I haven't really faced.  Certainly there were specific things with my family as I still "lived" with them during breaks. 

But there were things that happened as a result of me making all of my own choices for the first time in my life.  And those choices were heavily influenced by growing up in an abusive home and also by being a young person who was gaining experience.

I am surprised by how much hurt I still carry from that time.  In so many ways I enjoyed my college time and I also didn't really acknowledge to myself the pain from then too. 

I think I am going to spend some time feeling the things coming up and remembering things from that time because it was a stepping stone on my way to my relationship with my husband.

Hi Rainy, thinking of you too as you're going through these difficult feelings. I hope you find some ease too.

Thank you Rainy, it was also helpful for me to share it and pin down some recent symptoms.

I hope you're able to process some of the things you're writing about.

Desert Flower, thank you. I hope this week is as gentle for both of as it can be.
...
Dolly, I value your knowledge sharing and am glad it helped you process some too.  Thank you for your support.
.........
My husband and I had a difficult evening and I didn't sleep well after that.

I understand his need to process his experience and am also finding I don't always have the capacity to do that with him.

It is frustrating because I keep setting boundaries around that which he pushes and then we argue.  I need to find a different way to hold my boundaries.

I was also set off last night because he was talking to his parents about his experiences.  What happens is that because he is sick, his parents decide they are too.  They all work each other up into this frenzy.  It annoys me so much.  They don't understand that while they are connected by genetics and may certainly have similar experiences, they are still separate people.

I think that is some of why he crosses my boundaries.  He thinks that because he is experiencing something I must be too and I must be all encompassed by his experience.

Last night I felt how his mom's constant availability and how she treats my husband sets me up for failure.  I cannot live up to her.  I don't want to live up to her but it creates so much tension in my marriage. 

I am worried about work today because I am tired and tense and we have an off routine day.  I hope it goes smoother than I am expecting.

My husband and I continue to have tense and difficult interactions.  We just had our worst one yet and I am trying to regulate before attempting to talk to him.

He received a diagnosis of mast cell activation syndrome. As I understand it his body is over sending out histamine so it is like he is constantly experiencing allergic reactions.

Neither of us is handling this experience particularly well.  And now things are extremely tense. 

I am so exhausted from the upheaval that has been our life the past few weeks.  I have been trying to communicate with him but it isn't working.

I think he is really scared and also isn't sharing information in a way that is reaching me.  I am also trying to be heard and it isn't working since he is in survival mode.

I don't know what to do.  I need to cry again. 

I calmed down a bit and tried talking to my husband.

It turns out he does have long COVID and the mast cell activation is something else he's uncovered.

What is hurting is that he left out critical information.  He did not tell me that he had a moment in the past week where he wasn't sure he was going to wake up.  And that when he did wake up that was when he made an appointment at the doctor to be sooner than planned.

I imagine he told his mother and not me because that is the pattern.  He said he forgot to tell me...I understand brain fog and I also don't get not telling your wife something critical.

This leaving out of key details is also a pattern.

Tonight I am sleeping in a different room to give myself space as well as because changes he has made to our bedroom while he heals are uncomfortable to me.  I have some processing to do.

It sounds like a super stressful situation, Rainy. I'm sorry you are having to navigate this right now. Times of stress tend to bring out uncomfortable old patterns too it seems. I hope once everyone adjusts to the news that some helpful conversations can be worked through.

Hey rainy,

I'm sorry that's really difficult. I don't know if it's any help, but I have been reading up on people with dissmissive avoidant attachment and it's helping me to find some new empathy/space for people who have grown up a certain way. Having conversations about things is difficult for them. I also realize it's difficult for you as well and hence the avoidant/anxious (?) dance that may perhaps be happening. I started realizing that I did all I could, it doesn't have anything to do with me, and it's ok for me to set some boundaries (ie I can understand space, but I can't deal with silence). I also think it's incredibly difficult if it's only one side that's willing to do the work.

I also empathasize with the mast cell activation. I had some inklings of it the other month, but it's really flown under the radar. When I started realizing that I was having histamine dumps at night and taking DAO for it, it brought out the symptoms in full force, which is not fun. I also feel like I've kept the inflammation to a minimum with diet for a number of years. So, I imagine it would be much, much worse without that. I have read of people making a recovery, and am hoping this is just some kind of initial purge. Wishing the same for your husband as well and I hope you have someone competent helping you through all of this.

Sending you support,
dolly

Armee, thank you and I hope things will settle down soon.
...
Dolly, I appreciate the reminder of avoidant attachment.  Sometimes in the past that has helped me understand my husband better.  I do think I am experiencing more anxiety right now which is coloring how I am seeing things.  I don't think my husband is necessarily getting the medical support he needs.  He is good at researching and telling his providers about it so hopefully he'll get what he needs.
.........
My feelings are feeling a bit smaller today. 

I think a lot of the tension I was feeling was coming from my husband not being fully honest with me.

I am still upset with him. 

I truly understand the difficulties of letting yourself feel feelings, learning how to do many things as adults that ideally would have been learned in childhood, and going through the process of understanding your nervous system.

But I still angry at him because it feels to me like he isn't seeing the root cause or role his family dynamic plays in this. Even if his body didn't register his experiences as trauma, he still didn't develop avoidant attachment by himself.

I don't know why I can't let that go.  I think because to me it feels like if he never sees that things will always be challenging.  That may not be true but that's how it feels to me.

I am not looking forward to work today as I have some extra meetings I would rather not do.  Hopefully they go as smooth as they can.

I'm sorry Rainy you're having such a difficult time with your husband, dealing with his patterns as well as your own (that you are so well aware of). It would be hard on anybody and I think you're doing great. Wishing you all the best through this.

 :yeahthat:

it just sounds like your H is so entwined w/ his parents, he won't risk looking too closely at what that interaction might mean.  it's a tough spot for you to be in, rainy.  i think you're doing as well with it as possible.  love and hugs :hug:

Desert Flower and San, thank you.  It's helpful to have your perspective and support.  It's also helpful to be reminded that I am doing well because my brain trends towards telling me I'm not.
.........
I am still upset in many ways and also seeing how much anxiety is at work here.

I'm not sure I've ever not felt anxious in my relationship to my husband and for good reasons.

As I've been writing myself letters, this morning I found myself back in my childhood with my parents pushing weird standards related to "liking boys" on me at a very young age while also shaming me for things I did in relationship to boys.

I'm not sure where this exploration is headed but there are some very old deep hurts in relationships with others that are needing attention.

I am also thinking about the women I come from.  I don't know much about my relatives backgrounds but do know that SA was present in the home of my maternal grandmother.  I carry in me all the pain and fear and hurt of women before me. 

Even though my parents were/are harmful, I do come from a family of cycle breakers.  It's unfortunate that our cycle breaking has to come in the way it is but it is there.

You're doing a lot Rainy.  :grouphug:

Just came by to wish you well Rainy, thinking of you.

Thank you Armee and Desert Flower.
......
Things have evened out a bit.

We are now entering the phase where because my husband is starting to feel better, he moves on and doesn't visibly acknowledge all the things that just happened and the things that were said.

He is trying to be extra nice to me which isn't what I need.  I need for him to work with me on how anxious I have always felt in our relationship and why.  The tension is still there and that tension needs attention.

I'm not exactly sure how to do that. 

rainy, a tough situation to be in.  you deserve to have your feelings acknowledged, and he deserves to know what's really going on w/ you.  have you explained this to him?  it would probably be a tough conversation, and i don't know if he'll be able to hear you or not.  it's tough on so many levels.

best to you w/ this.  love and hugs :hug:

Maybe this could help. My therapist got me going on "cardiac coherence". Five minutes of breathing, timed specifically five seconds inhalation, five seconds exhalation. Have you heard this already? Just a suggestion. It's been pretty effective for me.
https://youtu.be/-7m4pm12yxQ?si=LyWD_5I1bvB3OKVv

San, thank you.  I have been trying to talk to him and it hasn't gone well so far.  I'll share more below.
...
Chart, I appreciate the suggestion.  I think the type of anxious I mean is anxious attachment and I'm not sure how to support our attachment right now.
.........

My emotions are high right now.  My husband and I made a plan to make an appointment with the couples counselor we had been seeing.  We haven't been in a while.

The plan came after him announcing to me that he is planning a trip with his parents.  Not an easy trip either.  A trip to Canada.  Because he needs something to look forward to.

This irked me for a lot of reasons.  We canceled several plans over the next few months so that he could have time to rest and heal.  So I'm confused why he is now up for making this trip. Also, if he wanted to take a trip, he could have asked me.

I made these points to him and also tried to explain that these are examples of why it is hard for me to feel emotional connection in our relationship. 

It is probably a good thing for us to reconnect with the couples counselor but I also always worry about my perspective and experience being heard.

It's ironic because just yesterday I told my supervisor I would like to transition to working part time next school year.  I don't anticipate my relationship ending and that isn't what I actually want but moments like this make me scared and feel the need to protect myself.

I will try to explain why this hurts so much.  It hurts because from the beginning of our relationship, he has had this wall up.  I have often felt like we are on opposite sides of the wall especially with his relationship to his family.  Sometimes it feels like he steps around the wall and I think we are getting somewhere we can be a team.  And then he goes back to the other side.

I'm sure this proposed trip is because his parents are worried about him and want to show their care.  But it is also about him not going to his brother's wedding and not going to visit for the holidays.  I see it as control. 

And I continue to take these things so personally and feel like there is something deeply wrong with me.

That's a hard situation to be in Rainy, I would definitely have a hard time not taking it personal too. There's nothing at all wrong with you in my opinion, I hope you can feel that.
If it were me, I would really want to know why he would want to take this trip too, is it to please his parents or do you think he wants it himself?
I cannot say what would be good for your relationship but it does sound like a good idea to me to go to the couples counselor.
I do hope you can work this out in a way that is good for you Rainy. Sending you lots of support.

Yeah sounds difficult, Rainy. Sorry to hear you are struggling. It does sound very much like an attachment issue as you mentioned. Are you familiar with attachment theory and styles? I hesitate to suggest Heidi Priebe's videos... she goes deeply into the subject and I find her analyses right on. My problem was that even once I had a good understanding of the dynamics, it didn't really change how I felt. But I think this could be different if both partners are working with a therapist. So I think the therapist is a good idea and I hope it can help with your situation.
 :hug:

Desert Flower, the million dollar question for me is to what degree he wants to do things and to what degree he goes along with family stuff because of conditioning.  I appreciate your support.
......
Chart, thank you for the resource suggestions.  I have learned about attachment theory and am always glad to have additional information.
.........

I've been waking up pretty anxious the past few days which is frustrating me.

Into the mix now is the need for another vet visit for my cat.  She has licked one of her paws too much and it looks infected.  I will find time but the effort feels overwhelming right now.

I am still feeling really upset about the things going on in my relationship.  I don't exactly know what to say.  In some ways he and I are on different paths right now and I keep waiting for those paths to cross.  Sometimes they do but not in the ways I need.

Something that occurred to me about the timing of the trip with his parents is that is around the anniversary of his brother's death.  I'm not sure they are intentionally, consciously choosing this timing.  My experience of them is that because they don't know how to deal with their feelings, they need to be around each other and engage in old dynamics.

The other my husband noted to me that he feels invalidated by his mother.  I was surprised he said that but also not surprised that while he may see things happening he continues to engage with them in the same ways.  Maybe there are adjustments I am not seeing.

I am also reflecting on a communication pattern in his family.  I've often heard members of his family say, "No one told me."  They are all a bit selective in how they do or don't share important information and it feels controlling and mean.  So when my husband does it to me, I can have some compassion that is what he learned but it also really needs to change.  That is a big part of the wound I carry in our relationship is the number of times he has done this.

I am still struggling with the need to be "right" and validated in my perspective of things I see happening in his family and the way they impact him (and me by extension). 

I am staying home from work today so I can take my cat to the vet and hopefully rest a bit.

I am still feeling too much and am overwhelmed by my feelings.

I think a big thing at play is how let down and disappointed I feel by other people.

Hi Rainydiary,
I hope that you are able to get some rest today - and I wish the best for your cat as well.  Hopefully the vet will be able to help.

Hope

rainy, these ongoing issues w/ your H and his family have got to be draining on you. and now the cat.  i hope everything's all right there.  i also hope that couples counseling will be helpful.  was it last time you two went?  did you not feel heard at that time?  is that why this issue has been bothering you now?  (you don't need to answer those questions - they just popped into my head). from what i've been seeing in you, it seems you are much better at speaking up for yourself both at work and with H.  i think you'll be able to do the same in counseling.

good job taking care of your 'self', too.  another indication of how you've been speaking up for yourself.  love and hugs :hug:

Hope, thank you.  I think the day was somewhat restful.  It was at least a break from being overstimulated.
...
San, I appreciate the questions.  When we were going I generally felt like the counselor heard me when I was able to speak up.

I also have a perspective that can be hard for others to understand. 

What I find tricky is that my husband will be a bit performative at counseling.  He will say things like that things have been fine when that isn't true.  His avoidant attachment really comes out where he feels like he has to present a certain way. 

It will be interesting to see how he frames what's been going on at our next appointment.  He was the one that suggested that we go back.  We haven't been since July and I don't know what the counselor will want to do to recheck in.

I think I do have a narrative that I'm not a good communicator when I think it really is about misunderstandings between me and non-autistic people (there is research about this and this is called the Double Empathy Problem). 
.........

I am glad I didn't go to work yesterday although it had moments of tension.

The tension was most specific to my cat.  The vets were doing surgeries yesterday and that impacted their availability.  They asked me to drop my cat off in the morning and they told me to expect being able to pick her up in the early afternoon. 

That is not what happened and I got stressed that her pick up time ended up being an hour and a half after they told me to expect.  I had adjusted my whole day around this and even when I went to pick her up she wasn't ready.  I had a tense conversation with the receptionist and I'm sure I was perceived as rude.  But it is really difficult when people say "what works for you" when they really mean something else.

My cat seems ok - she does have an infection on her paw so we are doing more antibiotics and she has to wear a cone.  We've done this stuff before but it is difficult because she does not tolerate being given medication very well.  I will do my best but this adds additional work that I could do without.

I am feeling low about going to work today.  I am really struggling to manage my feelings about the miscommunications I experience every day (because of said Double Empathy Problem). 

I am also really upset about how I handle communication with a particular student I really like and want to help so much.  I recognized the other day that sometimes, especially when I am stressed, I have a tendency to be a bit too much when trying to help.  It reminds me of a dynamic in my family where a member will tease and push the other person as a defensive mechanism.  I know better but I still get that way sometimes. 

I hope I can be kind to myself.  I'm not doing that in my thoughts consistently.

This month has been really hard and I am feeling discouraged.

It feels like I am not getting anywhere no matter what I do.

I keep having a-has but then something else will happen to throw me off balance.

Something unexpected tonight is that I am reading a book where the main character is graduating from college.

A memory from my college graduation came up.  My dad was in the audience waving wildly when I walked in the space.  It is one of the only times I can remember seeing pure joy and presence from him especially in the context of me.

That one moment is an island in too much hurt. 

I'm so sorry you're feeling so bad Rainy. But I do think it's a good think you keep venting how you feel, here and in your current situation as well. We often tend to close up completely in times like these, which may be even less helpful, because you'd miss out on the support. So I just wanna say I'm standing with you through this Rainy.

And what you write about your dad cheering when you graduate, resonates immensely. I have a very similar experience with my mother finally showing me she was proud when I graduated from college. Up to that point she had never ever done that and that had felt so terribly lonely. But it was too little, too late for me by then.

Desert Flower, thank you for the support and the experience you shared. 
............

I did a lot of things I enjoy this weekend so in some ways it was a good weekend.

I still don't feel great emotionally.  I feel unsteady inside and really just want to argue and fight and yell.  The fight response isn't usually one I go to.

I've had really weird and intense dreams the past few days.  They have left me feeling off.

I keep trying to "figure out" why I am feeling the way I think.  I can point to a lot of things that explain it but nothing really explains it.

After I wrote about my dad the other day he texted me.  The conversation follows a very predictable routine and it isn't really about me being able to say anything or be supported.  We each played our part but those interactions leave me feeling empty.

Rainy, there're so many things I want to comment on... but I have to get back to work :(

I'm sorry your struggling. Your observations touch me pretty deeply. What you've shared gives me thoughts and reflections, both good and sad, but I appreciate so much your sharing. Sending support ... maybe somewhere inside your dad, he wants... but lots of us humans just don't know "how"...
 :hug:

Chart, I appreciate your message and support.  I suppose it's hard for my dad to think of something to say after being so abusive for years.  I still think it would happen too if I didn't have more boundaries.
............

This morning I woke up a bit before my alarm and I made a connection.

I think one reason this time of year is hard is because of a series really difficult experiences I've had in my relationship with my husband.

The experiences are complex and layered and lasted months.  And there are many of them.  Things they have in common: some type of illness or my husband having emotional difficulties, me being blindsided by my husband not being completely honest with me after I thought we were working together on something, his parents somehow becoming involved but me realizing he had been going to them the whole time, me fawning to appease him.

I'm left with a wound that keeps being unhealed because this pattern repeated over and over. 

This time some of those elements aren't exactly the same...and yet my brain does not believe for a second that I am safe and ok.  And for good reason.

It's hard for me to trust that things will go differently.  Maybe they will this time because we will have an outside person to help us and maybe I will be able to share a version of what I've written here.

rainy, i do hope you can share your version w/ the counselor. i remember being in a similar situation in couples counseling where my ex provided a picture, but i ended up dissociating (didn't know it at the time) and being afraid to speak up cuz i didn't want to look like a 'pushy' spouse or something like that.  i kept quiet and allowed him to steer the narrative, and it worked out not so well for me.  i just don't want that to happen to you.

good luck w/ all of this.  i'm just sorry you're feeling so unsettled right now.  i hope things begin to straighten up for you.  love and hugs :hug:

San, thank you for thinking of the couples dynamic through that lens.  I don't think that is what is happening exactly.  I'll try to say more of what I think might be happening below.  I appreciate the care.
.........

I am feeling really drained today.  The weather and work and everything.  I don't necessarily feel bad just tired.  Lots of big emotions at work from adults and kids alike.  It's too much some days.

I am still really upset about my husband's decision to go on a trip with his parents especially since he says he is still getting fatigued by daily things. 

I do want to acknowledge that a part of me doesn't believe him.  That part that doesn't believe him is because in the past he's had big emotions and illness that have gotten better when he got his way (which was also what his parents were pushing him to do).  I don't think that is happening now but it's hard to to let this feeling go.

I did bring up my concern about his trip.  He didn't validate my worry which is making me mad for a different reason.  We did make a plan to start our check in conversations we had been doing. 

I still want to yell at him about his trip because if he is still ill I think he should rest.  I feel like both he and his parents are being foolish and selfish.  If they want to visit, they could just come here.  I still don't really understand what this is about.

I worry that by the time we will get to our couples appointment, he will say "things are fine."  He won't own some of the things he has said to me.  He'll say that I have been really supportive when I haven't really.  He feels compelled to paint a positive picture for our counselor which I don't understand.  It seems like he wants to focus her attention on certain things but not on others.

I do feel myself slipping into my annual survival mode for the holiday season.  I am going to try to approach that differently this year but for now I am going to try to sleep.  Tomorrow is going to be a lot.

Sorry you're having difficulties with this stuff at the moment, rainy. These relationships are so complicated sometimes, it's no wonder you're feeling drained. :( I don't have any advice sorry but wishing you all the best with it.

Regards,
Aphotic.

I appreciate the support Aphotic.
.........
Today is starting off rough. 

I didn't sleep the best last night.

And then my husband and I had a difficult conversation this morning.

I am so frustrated with him and with myself.

I hope things are better for you today.

best to you, rainy, going on w/ all of this stuff, holidays and husband, both.  i do hope you get some satisfaction from your counseling sessions, and that you are able to show your side of the coin being different from your H's.  i would think the counselor would value hearing both those perspectives in order to then begin to dig into the reasons and eventually the issues behind them.  love and hugs :hug:

Thank you NarcKiddo - it goes up and down but I am hanging in there.
...
Thank you San.  I think I am too hard on the counselor and my experience is filtered through a lot of conflicting filters.  The appointment is this week and we'll see how it goes.
.........
I just did a meditation and the leader talked about self-trust.

I have always lot of trust with regard to others but haven't spent time thinking about trust in myself.

I will reflect on this a bit because it feels important.

Quote from: rainydiary on November 02, 2024, 07:48:03 PMI have always lot of trust with regard to others but haven't spent time thinking about trust in myself.

I will reflect on this a bit because it feels important.

A powerful and worthy reflection I think. It is strange how humans tend to miss these things. We spend so much of our time working on being compassionate, trusting, and accommodating towards others - but then somehow completely forget to be compassionate, trusting, and accommodating of ourselves!  :blink: It is something I needed a reminder for too, thanks.

I hope you're able to find something useful in your reflections.

Regards,
Aphotic.

Hi rainy,

I recognize that there's a lot going on for you right now and it's a difficult position to be in. The person who you most want to see you and get you doesn't, or is unable to meet that need. And what makes it more difficult is that it doesn't mean you don't love each other. What I've been learning lately dealing with emotionally unavailable people, is that I can have my space and independence from them, and I'm not going to fall apart. It's been making me stronger to have this space for myself and do things on my own, and I don't feel at fault, or unwanted etc. My whole life I was taught to depend on other people for validation and to not listen to myself. So, I'm trying to (or I guess being forced by circumstances and not wanting to repeat the same patterns) approach things differently. I recognize how much a part of me wants things a certain way because that's what I learned growing up and that's what was safe, but it also wasn't always healthy or best for me. I think maybe this is in line with what you have said about self trust.

Sending you support,
dolly

 :wave:

Aphotic, thank you.  I've been using ChatGPT to help organize my processing.  I am trying to develop some routines around self soothing right now.
......
Dolly, thank you for this message.  It was helpful to read and I will think on it more too.  I think I am on the track of being there for myself.  And also I am stuck on wanting my husband see me and get me and feeling like he doesn't.  I appreciate your support.
......
Hi Larry!
.........

I am drained and feeling a lot from the outcome of the US election and from just my daily life.

Something I am feeling a bit more success with is letting myself be seen at work.  I am finding supportive people and am finding that things I've been working at hard are finally being heard by others.

I'm trying to be open to others and also working to take care. 

Today I started a compassion note journal and am going to try keeping compassionate written notes to myself in that place.

I have been using ChatGPT a lot to help me process and find ways to explain things to myself and others.

I am going to try to rest tonight.

 :hug:

It's nice to see someone dealing with (presumably) CPTSD being so constructive in the midst of this political storm. Using ChatGPT as a tool in the realm of trauma is downright genius!

I don't know to what extent it's appropriate to insert my own thoughts here, so please tell me if I'm taking it too far. The thought occurred who actually owns the real estate of my mind. Who determines where I direct my time, energy and attention? Politicians have no business there. Except if I consent. They are attempting burglary 24/7.

I hope you got some proper rest.

Quote from: rainydiary on November 07, 2024, 12:42:51 AMToday I started a compassion note journal and am going to try keeping compassionate written notes to myself in that place.

That is a great idea! (I "should" try that too.)

Chart, thank you.
...
SenseOrgan, I appreciate your perspective.  It is helpful.
...
Desert Flower, I hope it is something that would be supportive.
.........
I don't have much capacity right now but wanted to share about my couples counseling appointment.

I shouldn't have worried about being heard.  I was heard all right.

My husband ended up being pretty rude and repeating some of the things he's said to me recently in the session.  The hardest thing he said is that he wants to go on the trip with his parents to get away from me.

The counselor suggested that she talk to us individually.  I stayed and he left. 

I was able to share my experience and be heard.

I think we have a hard road ahead. 

I haven't seen him since he left the appointment.  I don't think I'll be able to talk to him without sleeping first.

I'm sorry Rainy. That's hurtful. I'm so glad the therapist talked to you separately and listened.

I think you are showing so much wisdom in knowing you'll need to sleep first before speaking to him.

I'm very sorry for what your husband said, that sounds very harsh to me. I hope you can sleep a little and take care of yourself first and foremost.

I'm sorry Rainy. I'm constantly thinking about this dynamic... our wants, our needs... Trying to communicate and express these things... and being heard... It's so hard. I don't know if I'm finding a way... out... or otherwise. I relate to your situation.
 :hug:

Thank you everyone.

A short update:

I got a lot of sleep last night which helps.

This morning my husband is not acknowledging anything that took place yesterday.  I'm not surprised but it is hurting.

I am going to shift my focus for the next several weeks to really caring for myself and checking out a bit from my relationship with him.

He has an individual appointment with our counselor in about 2 weeks and will also be leaving for his trip with his parents around that time too.

I suppose we will have to wait for another joint appointment until December perhaps. 

I want faster resolution but this is a time where things are going to move at the pace they move.

Glad you were able to rest a little, rainy, despite the circumstances. Wishing you well as always.
:hug:

Regards,
Aphotic.

rainy, from a T point of view, as hurtful as what he said is, if it's the truth, at least there's something to dig into, find a reason for, look at in order to determine what he's running from exactly - your words, your thoughts, your feelings, you as a partner, etc. - and that can be a starting point for getting to the basis of it all and mending what's needing to be mended. i hope that T can get to some of the bottom of his words in his indiv. appt.  if none of this is helpful, please ignore.  my T side sometimes takes over.

ultimately, i'm glad you felt heard.  that's really important, in my mind.  so, yeah, i don't think there's a quick fix here, but there may be a way thru that's helpful for both of you.  we can only hope.

sending love and a hug filled w/ care and support and strength for what's coming.  bumpy ride, indeed. :hug:

Aphotic, thank you.  :hug:
......
San, thank you for your thoughts.  I don't think I'm actually hurt by him saying that (because honestly I want a break from him too right now).  What hurts is deeper which I'll say more about below.  Hopefully our counselor can help us at least talk about all this.
.........

I am trying to take a break.  I did a lot of work around the house this morning and there is still more to be done.  But I am trying to take it extra easy on myself.  I can try to do those things tomorrow or when it feels right.

I tried to communicate with my husband that I am shaken by what happened at our appointment and that I may be more inward for a while. 

He continues to try to engage with me and that is agitating me.  It makes me realize I want more space from him than I realized. 

I am also realizing how surface the bulk of our relationship has been.  That used to feel normal to me because my childhood was all surface too.

Right now I am feeling grief over that realization.  I have been left alone with myself and my feelings for the majority of my life. 

There have been people over the years that have helped me break through that a bit, but I am still learning to cultivate deeper relationships with others.

So even though I am going through this with my husband, it is part of a larger thing for me.

that's a huge realization, rainy, on both levels.  i'm glad you're giving yourself time for yourself, a little break and some rest.  so much there for you to process.  hang tough, ok?  love and hugs :hug:

 :hug:

Thank you Chart and San.  Whether I have actually been giving myself a break is a different story.

I am trying to do that just now. 

I've been reflecting a lot on how much emotional and mental labor I do for my husband.

I've done almost as much healing work for him in my mind that I have done for myself.

The problem is that it's not working and it never will because he has to do it himself.

I am going to try really hard in the coming weeks to notice this tendency and shift the focus to my care and needs.

He will either catch up with me or he won't.  I have been on a different path from him for 5 years since his brother died.

I am scared of the uncertainty I am facing but the certainty of what I'll face if nothing changes isn't great.

This makes me want to cheer you on! :cheer:

 :yeahthat:

another big realization, rainy.  wherever it leads, i'm with you, especially on the idea that if he doesn't do the work, you can't do it for him.  best with this.  love and hugs :hug:

Thank you San and SenseOrgan.

I really ran out of steam the past few days.

The weekend was good but I got into some darkness in my thoughts.

Work has been ok this week but it always takes things out of me.

Today nothing in particular happened but I feel blah.

I am trying to rest in the inner quiet without thoughts constantly racing (although they unfortunately can at 2 a.m. and leaving me unable to get back to sleep).

i hear you on those racing thoughts in the middle of the night, rainy.  they suck!  love and hugs :hug:

San, I appreciate the understanding.  It is really tough.
.........
Today was hard.  I pushed myself past my limits for work and am paying a price for it now.

I was in two meetings at the end of the workday that were so exhausting for different reasons.

I spoke my mind and my truth in them.  This felt uncomfortable for different reasons - in one because I worry I made a coworker feel bad (which was not my intention) and in the other because a coworker who always steam rolls me did it again.

In the first meeting, a parent also complimented me and I found my heart touched but also struggling to allow myself to receive her compliment. 

I was in an EF on my way home and for a lot of this evening.  Sharing my thoughts, causing discomfort to others, and pushing myself past my limits are big sources.  I think also someone saying something nice to me hurt.

Eating dinner, showering, and watching Stranger Things is helping some.  I will go to bed as soon as this episode of Stranger Things is over.

I empathize RD. I can't even imagine working in an environment with people all day. I'm happy you were able to wind down a bit after your tough day.
 :hug:

I am sorry you are struggling with all this at the moment. It sounds really tough and maybe your husband's trip is indeed a good thing. You are right when you say that you cannot do the work for him and I guess everyone progresses at a different speed even if they are both putting in the same effort, which does not appear to be the case here. I hope things get better soon.

Hi Rainy,

I don't know if this will be helpful for you but my T sent these two podcast episodes to me on IFS and Autism. I am not autistic (tho lots of overlapping traits with CPTSD) but he thought I'd like it anyway. Before I knew about trauma I told my T I thought I was autistic.

But I did really like the way the speaker talked and made sense of things. So I don't know if it will be of interest to you but even separate from the topic of IFS I thought it was really interesting.

https://podtail.com/en/podcast/ifs-talks/

They are the two most recent episodes.

 :grouphug:

Thank you Chart.  I am really struggling with all the people and even though I try to take care it doesn't feel like it is working right now.
...
I appreciate the support NarcKiddo.  I am feeling extra anxiety as his trip approaches.
...
Armee, I appreciate the podcast recommendation.  I downloaded the episodes to listen to at some point.
............
I am really struggling.

I am trying and trying and trying but cannot consistently regulate.  Even when I try to not try it is still trying. 

I have moments where I'm ok but right now there is more perceived threat than love.

I will keep trying moment by moment but I wish I could figure out what I need.

 :grouphug:

Thank you for the care Armee.

I didn't expect to write again today but something shifted a bit.

Today was gentler than I expected.  I also started listening to a podcast whose guest was Dr. Mariel Buque.  She was speaking about intergenerational trauma.  The topic turned on a light for me. I think this is something it would help me to explore.

I am going to start reading Dr. Buque's book Break The Cycle.  I had to keep pausing the podcast episode because everything she said felt profound.

I also had some sweet moments at work.  One student invited me to go on a field trip his class is taking next week.  Last year he became so anxious about a field trip that he threw up before and wasn't allowed to go.  I don't know if that would happen again.  I told his teacher that I would be glad to go if it would be supportive.  So I think I will be going next week to a lake with this class. 

I also spoke with a kindergarten student who said to me "Before I lived in my apartment, I lived in my car."  I hope that I held space for her saying that well enough. 

You provide such beautiful support to your kids. They are so lucky to have you and I only wish that the issues with the adult colleagues could dissolve and give you more space to do what you are so good at.

Intergenerational trauma. Yes. That can be a very helpful perspective. I once listened to a podcast with the author of "It didn't start with you" about this topic. I can only speak for myself here, but when it sinks in it never was about you, that is a liberating insight.

i know a lot of people don't believe in intergenerational trauma, rainy, and would probably scoff at the idea, but i believe it's real and can be devastating in ways we might not grasp.  it's huge, to my mind.

congratulations on the field trip invite! :yes:  it just shows how important you and your presence are to those kids.  i hope it's wonderful for both you and the kids.

sending love and a big basket to hold those compliments and nice things people say about you until they no longer hurt or you feel uncomfortable with them. :hug:

Armee, thank you - I wish that too.
...
SenseOrgan, it's helpful to read your perspective and to consider that this will need time to settle and sink and process.
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San, I believe in it too and hope it will be a useful framework for my ongoing healing.  I am glad to be invited although the adults going will make me feel like a 3rd wheel.  There will be 6 parents and the school counselor is going too.  Honestly if the student that invited doesn't go for some reason I will probably bail.
.........
I am back to feeling more struggle.

I haven't been sleeping well.

Work was really awful yesterday and today my husband leaves for his trip with parents.  He's been trying to placate me which is making me mad.

I don't know what else to say right now.

i think you said plenty.  not a surprise to me, rainy, that you had a rough nite. 

good luck w/ the field trip - i don't blame you for wanting to bail if that student doesn't go.  he was your main purpose for going yourself.  love and hugs :hug:

 :hug:

San and Dolly, I appreciate the care.  :hug:
.........
Back to the field trip.  Yesterday I saw the teacher and she told me that the student had invited about person too and that person was also going to go.

I'm not upset with the student and am glad he has people he feels supported by.  But I felt weird after that and realized that I needed to opt out of going.  It was also related to some of the people going and unpleasant interactions I had with them this week.

My boundary was accepted and it feels right for me.  The student has people he will feel supported by.

The larger issue here though is how my colleagues treat me and by extension students like him.

I've been more directly speaking up about harm this week and will do more of it today.  I am very uncomfortable and I worry I am making myself a target.  But I would feel worse not saying anything.

My husband is gone on his trip and I'm sure that will weigh more on me this weekend.  I have a junk removal appointment scheduled for tomorrow that I am worried about but hoping that once the stuff is gone it will free up some emotions.

Today I saw that student and I told him I won't be going on the field trip.

He got angry and told me that I am not his friend anymore.

*sigh*  I wish I could help him understand my decision making had nothing to do with him.

o rainy, that's too bad about the student.  their understanding of such things is so limited. very sorry that happened. 

i hope you continue w/ your boundary setting, and that it does not upend neg. stuff toward you.  love and hugs :hug:

rainydiary
It feels good to prioritize your own needs and set boundaries, doesn't it? It's unfortunate the student got angry. I recognize the fear of becoming a target when speaking up in some way. What's often the case though, is that people do respect us much more when we act in a way that shows we respect ourselves. Being consistent with it is a challenge when there's so much fear around it.  :applause:

Thank you San and SenseOrgan.  :hug:

Too many things processing right now to say much.

I am understanding things with new awareness and am also stuck. 

I am trying to find my way and will share more when I can.

I relate to that Rainy. I'll be pulling for you to get unstuck. Me too.

Similar feeling here too. Day in day out... Just listened to the ifs podcast Armee posted. Extremely interesting (but the music during the podcast was oddly triggering).
Rainy, I feel you are carrying so much on your shoulders. I identify a lot with that (though maybe that's not exactly how you feel). Interesting... I'm trying to get rid of stuff too, and regularly visiting the dump to get empty my garage...
I wish us all Peace (and as much luck as possible.)
Sending hugs and support.
 :hug:

Armee, I appreciate the reminder I am not the only one.

Chart, thank you for checking in.  When I listen to the podcasts, I'll be ready for the music.  I didn't have a good experience with the junk removal people I hired and worry about another appointment I have tomorrow.
.........

I think I might be mostly out of my survival state at least for the time being.

It's hard to capture all of what has been going on but I would like to write about my family a bit.

I started mapping out a family tree which is something I've been wanting to do for a while.  I am using Ancestry.com because my husband paid for a membership for us for a bit. 

Mapping out the lines has been really interesting as it "confirms" vague stories I heard growing up.  This pairs well with me thinking about intergenerational trauma.

What is really standing out to me right now is my maternal grandmother and her father.  I don't know much about her father but the things I do know are awful.   

I didn't ever really like my grandma.  She made me feel unsteady and like I was doing something wrong whenever I was around her.  I never felt good around her.

Knowing what I know now, I would guess that she was also autistic and traumatized for sure.  What I do admire and thank her for is leaving her father's house.  She left because she wanted a better life for herself.  I'm not exactly sure she found it but she laid foundation for me to do work I am doing now. 

I don't understand why I am drawn to her story and the particular harm of my great-grandfather.  I'm curious but also a little scared of what I will uncover as I move forward.

I'm happy for you that you're mostly out of your survival state again!
Genealogy is an interesting tool for making sense of your own trauma. I never thought of that. I do suspect that a lot of trauma goes back generations. It's nice you also see something positive about your grandma. Have you ever looked into epigenetics? Good luck with the research.

Hi rainy,

I hope things go well with your generational map. At times, I feel like it has been very helpful for me to be aware of that.

Sending you support,
dolly

Hi Rainydiary,
I hope that your family tree is going ok and continuing to be helpful.
I am also sending you support.
Hope

Hey rainy, your family tree idea is really interesting. And also I commend your ability to research it all, I can't imagine it would be easy with however many memories it must trigger. But your post gives me some ideas of my own, so thanks for sharing! :)

Regards,
Aphotic.

SenseOrgan, I appreciate your support.  I have heard of epigenetics but haven't learned much about it beyond the basics. I'm not sure where this is all leading but hopefully somewhere helpful.
...
Dolly, I appreciate knowing this can be a useful tool.  It has been interesting and surprising to see some of the lineage suggested by the Ancestry database.  I sent in my DNA sample and am also curious to see what information that offers.
...
Hope, thank you.  I haven't engaged with it much the past bit here as I need to give my energy to work but hopefully I will find small ways to keep exploring.
...
Aphotic, I appreciate your support.  Something I am feeling stuck on right now is how I won't really be able to talk to anyone in my family about all of this. 
............

I want to say more but I am exhausted today.  Work is difficult right now.

I am trying to find my way forward in a way that is truer to me. 

I really want to be seen and accepted as myself and worry that won't happen.

A big challenge is seeing and accepting myself too.

I haven't been able to be present here which happens to us all from time to time.

I am always in survival mode in December and this year is no exception.

I don't even know how to frame what's been going on.  Things feel blurry and unreal and time is passing quickly.

My birthday is next week and that brings weirdness and stilted interactions with my family as happened today.

Even though things feel hard I also see differences in myself that I am grateful for.

I am worried about an interaction I had with a student yesterday.  It would be easy for onlookers to misunderstand what took place.  I am so worried something will happen next week as a result.  I think the student's teacher would have said something to me in the moment if she even noticed and if she was worried.  But because autistic people are often misunderstood, I carry worry with me. 

I am trying to find some ease this weekend as last week took a toll on my wellbeing.  I have two more hard weeks until a 2 week break from work.

i do hope you found some ease over the weekend, rainy.  it sounds like so much is going on.  i hope you can continue to take care of yourself in the meantime. 

i'm with you thru the december thing.  love and hugs :hug:

 :hug:

San & Dolly, thank you for the care and support.
......
Today was my birthday and I had a relatively ok day.  I took the day off work which was helpful.  I spent some time planning and setting intentions for the coming year.  I did some small things for myself. 

I did have to take my cat to the vet today.  I took her to a place that just opened and specializes in cats.  It was a far more positive experience than other places I've gone.  The unfortunate thing is that I think my cat has been struggling with allergy issues for years without a vet catching on.  Hopefully we will be able to make her a little more comfortable.

I am dreading work the next few days.  I have some really difficult meetings where I imagine my perspective will not be heard.  I know the next several days will take a toll.

Happy Birthday rainy - I'm glad you took some time for yourself.

happy birthday, dear rainy!!! :cake:  :phoot: glad you took the day off.  love and hugs :hug:

Dolly, thank you.  I plan to always take my birthday off moving forward.
...
San, thank you.  I'm glad I took the day off too.
.........

I am at work deeply wishing I could go home.  I am required to be a meeting later today and it is more work to not show up.  I am feeling ill at the thought of going.

I did not sleep well last night.  Just as I was falling asleep, my brain decided to remind me of a SA that happened on my birthday when I turned 21. This happened 20 years ago.

That time weighs on me and it gave me perspective of another layer of why this time of year is hard.  I didn't recognize how much it still stays with me.

I don't know how to process what happened because I can't remember much of what happened due to alcohol consumption.  I feel betrayed and disrespected and destroyed and taken advantage of. I felt less safe in my body and to some extent still do.

I'm not opposed to noticing that this is coming up.  It is just a lot to think about with everything else going on too.

i'm sorry work is such a burden for you, rainy.  also that you're having flashbacks, especially on your birthday.  sucks.  love and hugs :hug:

Hi Rainydiary,
I am wishing you a belated Happy Birthday.  I'm also glad you took some time off to celebrate it.  I hope that the day goes quicker for you - so you can be back home again and can hopefully rest. 

I am so sorry you had that SA on your 21st, sending you a hug of support, if that's ok  :hug:

Hope

Hi Rainy, just wanted to say hi and send you support.

Quote from: rainydiary on December 11, 2024, 09:29:45 PMit gave me perspective of another layer of why this time of year is hard.

Yes, that's what happens, isn't it? I keep uncovering layers I had 'forgotten' about myself. They are in there somewhere.

Quote from: rainydiary on December 11, 2024, 09:29:45 PMI don't know how to process what happened because I can't remember much of what happened due to alcohol consumption.  I feel betrayed and disrespected and destroyed and taken advantage of. I felt less safe in my body and to some extent still do.

I'm very sorry that happened to you Rainy. And I can relate.

Sending you good wishes Rainy.

Hi Rainy. Happy belated birthday. I am sorry about the struggles at work and that you were SA'ed in the past and on your birthday. That's really sad and it makes me feel angry on your behalf. I don't know if it's useful for you, eventually, when you are ready. I've been able to process an assault I only (barely) remember through flashbacks. I have no memory of the actual assault and yet it was very traumatic and disruptive. We were still able to work with that in EMDR. I think in many ways the not remembering part is very very difficult and does make healing harder. But not impossible. I'm sorry that happened to you.

San, thank you for the support.  Work continues to be difficult.
...
Hope, thank you.  I hope I am finding ways to bring joy back to my birthday.
...
Desert Flower, thank you for what you shared.  It's helpful to know when others relate.
...
Armee, thank you for what you shared of your experience and the support.  I am angry for all of us that things like this happen to.
...............
A lot of unpleasant things have happened in the past several days as well as some clarity.

I was in two work meetings about students that really upset me.  It gave me more insight into the true colors of some of my colleagues and of how my district functions. 

I cried after the first meeting and took steps to care for myself at the second meeting.  Boundaries I set were rudely commented on by my colleagues.

I am seeing the people who I need to pull back and protect myself from.  I am either going to request being at a different school or find a new job after this school year.

One moment of clarity I've had is how inadequate I feel in many situations.  The word inadequate just really fits for what I've been feeling.

Another thing I am doing right now is listening to a podcast about grief.  I can only handle a little at a time because it is really opening things up.  It is helpful for me to know that grief is our response to loss, loss changes us, and we don't quite overcome grief but rather grow around it.

After thinking about the SA memories, I felt a pull to write a letter to my female ancestors. I know some parts of my line have history of sexual abuse and I also imagine that many women (and perhaps men) experienced sexual assault as well.  I felt a little lighter after writing to them.

Quote from: rainydiary on December 14, 2024, 02:12:20 AMAfter thinking about the SA memories, I felt a pull to write a letter to my female ancestors. I know some parts of my line have history of sexual abuse and I also imagine that many women (and perhaps men) experienced sexual assault as well.  I felt a little lighter after writing to them.

That's beautiful Rainy.

And I'm really sorry you're feeling troubled. Sending you lots of support.

Yet another belated happy birthday rainydiary!
I'm very sorry the meetings are so rough and you're dealing with the SA memories at the same time. I hope writing the letter helped you to process grief. Gisele Pelicot is helping to restore the dignity of so many who had such horrific experiences. I hope she counterbalances what you're going through now too.  :hug:

you know, rainy, on one hand i'm glad you're able to see who's ok to be around at work, and who's not.  on the other hand, it sucks that you have to find ways to protect yourself, including the possibility of finding another job.  i know you're not inadequate at what you do, but i get that circumstances can make you feel that way.  ugh! :stars:

it sounds like you are figuring out more and more what you have to do for you.  keep up the good work.  love and hugs :hug:

Sending you support rainydiary  :hug:

Happy belated birthday Rainy, we're less than a week apart. :)
I am sorry for all your struggles. I relate to many elements, but you seem to have some difficult things coming up that's making things especially difficult. Sending hugs and support.
 :hug:

Desert Flower, thank you, your support is helpful.
...
SenseOrgan, the support is much needed.
...
San, it is really unfortunate.  I have more to share about all that work stuff.
...
Chart, I appreciate you checking in and offering support.
.........
Wow, the weeks slipped away.  And I am finally at Christmas which is a day I struggle with.

I did not intend to not check in here but think I was fully in survival mode by the last week before break.

I am on break now and am really noticing the huge contrast between how I feel at work and not at work.  I do think it will be helpful to process those differences a bit when I have capacity.

Before break I spoke to my supervisor about my experiences at my school.  She has no real power over anything that happens at individual schools but she did validate my experience and I feel like she understands me and what I am trying to do.  I realize that a lot of what is upsetting to me is systemic and not actually about specific people. 

Changing schools or jobs would not remove me from these systems.  My hope is to only work like this for about 2 more years.  Within those two years I hope to find how to best take care and plant seeds of change how I can.

This evening I was doing some work on my family tree and encountered some family secrets.  I had a physical reaction to what I found even though it was stuff I vaguely remember hearing growing up.  I am less upset about the actual stories and more the pain and suffering those things caused, especially the women in my family. 

I am enjoying slower days but comes with it a lot of processing. 

 :hug:

systemic malfunction is a gritch, rainy.  very sorry you have to deal with that. hopefully, you'll be able to make the next 2 yrs. as painless as possible.

empathizing w/ women in pain is a tough one.  especially when you're related to them.  keep taking care of you.  i'm very glad for you that you have a break right now.  love and hugs :hug:

Quote from: rainydiary on December 26, 2024, 12:46:27 AMThis evening I was doing some work on my family tree and encountered some family secrets.  I had a physical reaction to what I found even though it was stuff I vaguely remember hearing growing up.  I am less upset about the actual stories and more the pain and suffering those things caused, especially the women in my family.

I've had my own fill of these family rediscoveries, and I definitely can understand the physical reaction you speak of. I hope you're doing well, and glad you have some slower days now. Processing can be hard but I hope the end result will be rewarding for you. :hug:

Regards,
Aphotic.

Hi rainy,

I think it's hard dealing with systems that are in place when/if you come from your own system of generational trauma/hurt. I hope that learning things about your family makes it easier to deal with both.

I'm glad you were able to confide in your supervisor at work.

Sending you support,
dolly

Chart, I appreciate the care.
...
San, yes, I am thankful for the break I've had.
...
Aphotic, thank you for sharing that experience.  I am still uncovering things and right now am becoming more aware of responses I have that were learned from my family. 
...
Dolly, I appreciate this perspective.  I think learning more is helping and I am beginning to acknowledge more and more how I have had a lot of trauma in every job I've had (even as a kid) that I have my really recognized or understood the way I do now.  More to unpack.
...............

Before I forget to say this - I've been really embarrassed that I included "2025" in my journal title that I started in 2024.  I think I either got confused or mistyped but it has been bothering me.  I guess now it doesn't matter because it is 2025.

My break has been restful for the most part.  My cat's health is heavy right now and even though she is doing better in some ways she is still getting older and sicker.

Just yesterday I finally felt fully relaxed and am upset that I go back on Monday. 

I am continuing to read the intergenerational trauma book and am recognizing things I do that are trauma responses that I didn't recognize as such. 

I think I am entering a point where I have done a lot of work on my family role in my CPTSD.  While that certainly still is influencing, I am seeing how truly traumatic most jobs I've had have been and a big part of that was being an unidentified autistic person.

I think the focus of my ongoing work is needing to expand.  But when I think about how awful jobs have always been, even ones I had as a teenager, it's no wonder that work feels heavier than it needs to.

I am realizing how much energy of others that I take on which is a trauma response from my family as well as being an autistic person in the world.  I am going to focus on shifting that how I can moving forward in addition to understanding these sources of trauma that are outside my family.

Rainy, I admire you very much. You are clearly working very hard and facing very difficult  situations and circumstances. I also respect your own self-analysis and admissions. Being on the autistic spectrum you assume your condition and identify the additional complexity you confront.

My last relationship was with a woman HPI. She recognized her situation but strongly resisted and denied the behavior that went along with it. I think this is very very hard to be open and honest about, but you are doing just that. I feel you are a bright honest person struggling with a hard and insensitive environment. But nonetheless making headway through complicated waters. Thank you for sharing your experience. I send love and support. Keep up the good work.
 :hug:

having encountered such realizations about myself as i've progressed thru recovery, i understand some of the frustrations that come with them, rainy.  knowing that my thought processes came from one source, then discovering there was a secondary source that shaped me and my worldview has been daunting at times.  it also helped explain a lot of things to me, and for that i'm grateful.  still, dealing with the aftermath is still a challenge.

i think you're doing a wonderful job with all this.  keep up the good work.  love and hugs :hug:

Chart, I appreciate your support.
...
San, yes, there are benefit and consequences to all of this.
.........

I am sitting at work and struggling.

I am trying to pull back in some ways.

I am in a place of questioning everything I do.

Hi Rainy, I'm sitting with you in your struggles and sending you support so you don't feel alone in this.

Desert Flower put that beautifully. I'll jump on that wagon! Sending support.
 :hug:

Thanks Desert Flower and Chart.  I am doing a bit better today.
............

I am definitely in some type of transition phase.  It feels like for the better but sometimes it is overwhelming.

The other day someone in a group I'm in asked a question and phrased their experience in a way that resonated with me.  She talked about how she knows she does a lot in the day that requires cognitive and emotional load but it's hard to remember/keep track of those things.

That felt true for me too so I started tracking things that I do especially at work that are a load that I don't usually acknowledge.  I am also keeping track of whether I do anything to restore and any reflections I have.

It's been interesting and I am realizing it's not just at work.  I will get tired pretty quick of doing this tracking but it is helping me see things are taking a toll and how I am often not doing anything to take care.

This awareness sounds incredibly positive, Rainy. I hear too that implication that "monitoring" takes up some of our resources too, thus it adds to the load. I'm currently just trying to allocate more resources to my somatic work. And making an extreme effort to let go of my incessant "mental analyzing". My hope is to establish a better equilibrium between my three principal elements: mind, body and emotions. We'll see how that goes. Sending you support too.
 :grouphug: 

Rainy, that sounds great. I think tracking sounds like a good way to get some distance from things that might be emotional to deal with and that can be overwhelming.  :cheer:

i agree with the others, rainy.  sounds like a good course for you.  love and hugs :hug:

Hi Rainy,
Sending you a hug  :hug:  I hope that you're negotiating the transitional phase you mentioned ok - I am sure you will get a lot out of your reflections and keeping track of things. 
Hope