I have struggled with the concept of the inner child. The idea seems foreign to me. The child that was, no longer exists in my mind, he died long ago. My T has talked about doing inner child work and it makes me extremely uncomfortable.
My issue is that I cannot reconstruct who he is, probably more accurately don't want to. I have no empathy for this seemingly fictitious person, or at least I cannot muster any empathy. Though I sometimes think my hesitance is due to my fear of what I will find if he is produced. At best I feel ambivalence and at worst I feel disdain for it.
When we have done some parts work, which I also struggle with. I just think I don't like to look inside. I have to admit that I am always amazed at the process of talking to my parts. It is freakish how unsettling it can be. I think we came close to the so-called inner child, but he was locked inside a closet. I think I imagined him there because I don't want to meet him. I want him to be unseen for some reason and the idea of confronting that pain is overwhelming.
This probably makes no sense at all. But, this seemed like the place to say what is on my mind. I can't talk about these things with anyone and I figured someone here would understand what I am saying.
Inner child work is but one of so many, many approaches to the basic quandary -- can something I find there jar me to be more 'me' now? Or something that will improve the funk felt about the childhood bit in all of this mysterious journey called life.
Maybe it's even the label that's troubling (it is to me). More work; what -- yet again? It's already been so hard, and working more will help turn the corner towards contentment?
Well, for some -- the answer is definitely yes. For others, no; and for some, it's kind of a mixed bag. For years that was the problem I had, trying to get into a place and time that really no longer exist in our reality. Ah, but we're more than just nuts and bolts reality we can measure. We all have imaginations built=in to the reality.
I remember once when I was thinking I might find ooking into this a bit useful. Somehow, either via dream or heightened imagination, I found myself in an old house (guess who's). The only 'person' I could relate to in this litte vision was a very sad, lonely mid-teen, who was in the basement, in the process of burning his high school yearbook. Not only did it just dredge up horrible recent (for him) memories of bullying and emotional terror in that book, there even one pic of the boy and it reflected a mournful downcast visage of a boy who wished he could get out of the world, somehow/someway/anyway.
I watched him burn the pic in the firepace, then decided to risk making friends with him. Startled at first, he slowly grasped that this adut -- me -- wanted to help him. The adult 'me' in that vision instinctively just asked the boy if he was up for some fun (which was definitely what my younger 'self' would have liked. He obliged and indicated he was willing to go with me. An ESCAPE; even if, of course, it was entirely imaginary and i was seeing it in my modern character.
Okay, so in these visions I always seem to be traveling on water, this time via a canoe. I beckoned the youth to come with if he wanted something different, and he was more than intrigued. "He came with, to my place in the woods, and has been at peace ever since. Okay, yes it was a vision and no, I don't regard his as being a 'real' and current presence in my life.
I'm only telling of my one try at the child part process or whatever it's called. Which brings up another approach I use in regard to it -- instead of inner child 'work' I prefer to know it as inner child 'play'. Childhood is supposed to include play, the character 'I' was back then had little play, lots of stress, and at least he got that one canoe trip in. Actually, his adult self -- 'me' -- was and is very oriented to canoes and that sort of thing.
Okay, whew -- long enough, eh? And please, know that I'm not disagreeing or diminishing the help that the processes included in FST and other approaches are not valid; they just didn't follow any set order in my case. Then again, I've always been a bit of an outlier when it comes to precisely following certain ideas about the mess of emerging from a lifetime of Cptsd and its aftershocks to the system.
I'm talked out :blahblahblah: for the moment. May your childhood discoveries result in at least some playful ways for you if you choose to delve into that subject more thoroughly. Who knows -- maybe you'll end up re-engaging with several 'child' parts again -- if you do, I'm sure this might reflect their imaginative place in your heart ---- :grouphug:
You know when I started therapy after learning I have CPTSD I also really disliked anything to do with inner child work and likely would not have liked parts or IFS therapy. It was just unsettling and I had quite a response to doing it. I just wasn't ready and looking back I'm glad I honoured that because therapy needs to go at our pace, when we're ready. Perhaps you'll never be quite ready but I suspect at some point it will not be as off-putting and you'll give it a whirl. In the meantime IMO you're in the driver's seat and you have every right to discuss going slowly with your T or not doing it at all.
One bit of inner child work that seemed to open me to the work was a T who asked me to write a note with my non-dominant hand in crayon to my IC. I didn't have to speak so that helped and somehow I felt I had made contact with her. She told me she wanted me to keep her safe and that she wanted to play more. I took her to an African drumming class and she had a riot. Anyway, just what worked for me but maybe give it a try when you're ready and see if doing so with just yourself is less off-putting. If/when you are interested there are lots of books about IC work you can try on your own in privacy if that is helpful.
I'm going to try to remember to come back to this when I am home with access to a keyboard. I thought the whole concept of it was bizarre but I have had some contacts with my inner child that have proved helpful
It's good to know that others have struggled with the concept. Maybe, in the fitire, it won't be such a problem for me.
Quote from: Little2Nothing on March 15, 2024, 04:51:07 PMMy issue is that I cannot reconstruct who he is, probably more accurately don't want to. I have no empathy for this seemingly fictitious person, or at least I cannot muster any empathy. Though I sometimes think my hesitance is due to my fear of what I will find if he is produced. At best I feel ambivalence and at worst I feel disdain for it.
When we have done some parts work, which I also struggle with. I just think I don't like to look inside. I have to admit that I am always amazed at the process of talking to my parts. It is freakish how unsettling it can be. I think we came close to the so-called inner child, but he was locked inside a closet. I think I imagined him there because I don't want to meet him. I want him to be unseen for some reason and the idea of confronting that pain is overwhelming.
This all makes sense! Totally. I have actually done a lot of inner child work, though I don't think it was all IFS. Trauma therapists learn a new model and undoubtedly add whatever they also practise otherwise
and if they're really good also take on board what their patient brings as strengths and abilities. Working with your IC is a bit like working with yourself - give yourself and your IC
time! He's locked in a closet? It's safer for you and you don't want to meet him (yet?). That's OK, because that's the way it is for the time being. Maybe it's better for your IC to be there atm too? Maybe it's his Safe Place? Way back when I first started this kind of work, I felt really bad about neglecting my Inner Children (yes, I have more than one), but it was good when somebody reminded me that a) I was undoubtedly doing my best and b) they're not real external children (!) so it's OK to leave them in a locked closet (as in your case) or in my case a 2-3 year old playing at the edge of a river (she refused to leave!).
Through my inner child work, which went from small child to babyhood and then into my teens, I discovered (rediscovered?) play and creativity, through which my voice developed too - who I am etc. Anyway, enough from me, I hope that together with your T you can find some development through IC work and if not, find something that seems to work better for you/freaks you out less.
When I first came across the concept of the inner child I thought it was bonkers.
Then my therapist introduced me to Berne's theory of transactional analysis and the three ego states - adult, parent and child. I realised that the most dangerous part of my life was when I was an actual child with unsafe parents I could not rely on. As I grew older my mother parentified me. This tended to keep her happier than when she had to care for me. I do not relish parent state but it is way, way, way better than child state. I am easily pushed into parent state, or will put myself there, when dealing with others. Any attempt whatsoever to push me into child state results in a terribly bad reaction from me, with EFs and all sorts. Even when it is appropriate for me to be nominally in child state (for example needing my husband to look after me when I am ill) I do my utmost to avoid being in that position.
So I think anything to do with me being a child is fundamentally repellant to me, which is why inner child work does not appeal.
That said, I have had some trauma reactions which come from a child state and I have tried to comfort the child. The most notable example was a time I woke up crying in the early hours for no reason I could fathom. I had been with my T long enough by then to suspect this was an inner child reaction. I was desperate to calm her so we could go back to sleep. Enough adult NK was present to actively try comforting her. The first thing I tried was asking her what was wrong. That was the absolute worst thing I could have done and resulted in way more crying and distress. I now realise this is because my mother was intrusive and engulfing and it was utterly dangerous ever to show that something was wrong, far less tell her what it was. I next tried telling little NK she did not need to tell me anything but that she was safe with me. That worked quickly, and the success of the approach surprised me. We got back to sleep for the rest of the night.
I have had a few occasions since where I have dealt directly with the inner child and have been able to calm myself so I can function properly and rationally. I don't think I will ever particularly want to explore my inner child world in any detail. I remember very little, probably for good reason. But there are helpful aspects in at least being aware of her existence.
Just wanted to share that in case it is of any use to you.
I think my inner child is 100% responsible for my emotional flashback meltown seven months ago, from which I am still far from any semblance of recovery. To the contrary, my whole world has plunged right-side down. Thinking back to those 4/5 days of crisis I feel my inner child was TOTALLY AND UTTERLY in control. Absolutely no prefrontal capacity whatsoever. An immature rage of injustice surged through my entire being. My entire future changed from the decision my IC took. I "woke up" a week later wracked with remorse. I had radically deviated to the road less traveled... Perhaps less traveled because it appears to lead to *.
Hey there Chart, I totally hear you.
I'm also still struggling from my own meltdown on March 1 after my inner child kept being triggered by injustices until the only tool left in the toolbox was rage. For me, these weeks of amygdala hijacking in an EF have served as a slap in the face from my inner child to pay attention to her needs. You've helped me see another connection to my current lack of self-care, referenced in another post as being due to shame and passive suicidal ideation (https://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=15936.0). Maybe I'm not motivated to self-care because caring is what the adult is supposed to do, and I feel absolutely no capacity to behave like an adult right now. My inner child is screaming to pay attention to her. The problem is that it's hard to tell her I'll take care of her when I'm not motivated to do much other than exist, and only because I am trapped into existing.
Now I'm on the less traveled road of truly recognizing CPTSD and dealing with it. It's pretty mucky.
Wish I could help more or had some magical advice. Here's a group hug for our inner kids, if that's okay.
:grouphug:
-Cascade
Cascade thanks, really interesting reflections. This whole thread gives me a completely different perspective on the infamous IC. Part of my problem is I just don't know what to do with my IC. Play? Protect? Go somewhere fun? Talk? I'm clueless! Even watching tv is now zero fun. I literally want to do nothing. Absolutely nothing. It's frightening. We're back to your thread and the subject of doing nothing... At least I'm responding... I guess that's something... We're communicating. And thank the stars for that. Hugs are welcome! Here's some for you!
:hug:
What I imagine if I wrote this is that the empathy I couldn't find for my IC could be the same treatment I received when I was a child. I needed empathy but there was none offered or given, so I don't understand how to show that part of me empathy because I never learned that empathy for me even existed at that age. IC work is so challenging.
I take my IC on hikes and buy him chocolate milk. I don't make him share. I tell him I love him.
I very recently started to communicate with my IC after a mental breakdown cca two weeks ago. I had a strong EF then (I remembered some particular occasions of physical abuse and the terror I felt during them) and that was a turning point for me, because I realized how abandoned my IC was all the time and that her abandonment is mine too, and I also realized that I want her to feel that I care and that she´s not alone as long as I´m here. So I decided to talk to her at least a few minutes every day.
The first day was the easiest, everything came very naturally. I imagined her sitting in a dark room, when I entered the room with a candle and sat down next to her. The words came easily, I told her how sorry I am for forgetting about her and that I want her to know that nothing of what happened to her was her fault. In the end I told her that I love her and I´ll always try to be there for her and remember her even in the midst of the biggest EFs and breakdowns. At this point I was already crying heavily. Then we hugged and just sat quietly by the candle light that illuminated only the two of us.
But the following days I found hard to talk to her. I couldn´t find the right words and my IC seemed to want to stay silent, I couldn´t make her talk. So at this point, I´m a bit desperate, because I don´t want to force the inner child work, but I want to have regular contact with her to make her feel seen and loved. Before this "exercise" I had quite ambivalent feelings towards the inner child work. As some of you mentioned here, I had a difficulty with the whole concept and couldn´t really picture a little version of me sitting and waiting inside me. My T told me that I don´t have to stick to the concept of a literal child figure if it makes me feel uncomfortable or numb. I can imagine something more abstract instead, like some light in me or an invisible part of me, that is authentic and inherently good. I don´t know, maybe that´s a good idea, too.
Anyway, I feel like there´s something inside me that needs to be nurtured and cared for, I´m just struggling with giving it a name or a shape.
Hi Dalloway,
Finding the right words, name, or shape is frustrating.
Quote from: Dalloway on August 11, 2024, 01:22:07 PMI don´t want to force the inner child work, but I want to have regular contact with her to make her feel seen and loved.
The thing that came to mind as you talked about the days that were more difficult was I was so glad you didn't try to force your inner child to talk. It's hard, but they will definitely come out when they want to. I think just being there and checking in and telling them you love them and will be there for them is enough sometimes.
I don't even use names or shapes. I just kind of sit in a circle of souls and see who shows up, which part of me. I was speechless the first time my therapist asked me about ages and appearances. Well, I don't know... I just kind of feel and hear them. Visuals are rare, so I'm trying to work on really seeing these parts of me and what they show me of themselves.
Heck, take 'em out like MarktheRobot does and explicitly say they don't have to talk!
Quote from: MarkTheRobot on August 08, 2024, 07:53:27 PMI take my IC on hikes and buy him chocolate milk. I don't make him share. I tell him I love him.
Keep up the great work!
-Cascade
I found I had to give it time. I couldn't really envision an inner child at the beginning, either. As I did more therapy, I felt like I actually have multiple inner children at different ages. Learning/Remembering later what happened at those ages made much more sense as to why they were those ages. it's also hard to find out the needs of a part of you that's either not willing to speak, isn't good at it, or too young to have full conversations.
When I was a kid, there were a lot of things I wasn't allowed to have. That's a whole other story, but yeah. As an adult now, I also don't live in an apartment with a ton of space. I've let each inner child have a shoebox of small things that make them happy. Sometimes, that's just an impulse buy and a feeling of happiness or fun, not a visual. And it's not a lot or expensive things. Like, one has 1 can of play-do clay, some funny shaped erasers, and a couple lego persons. A non-material way to gratify an inner child and show you're paying attention to them is to create a wishlist on amazon. Not that you have to buy anything on it at all, but I just said mentally to them that they can look around and put whatever they want on the list. That's often just putting in some search terms or browsing the toy category and adding something when I get an "Ooo, I like that!" feeling.
I also allowed myself to have things. I'm 54 and have a teddy bear and a bunny plushie. They're great to hold when I'm upset or freaked out. It felt weird at first, but I highly recommend. There are lots of ways we can show our inner children we're here for them, and I've found actions are taken easier than words for my younger ones. Just give it time as you experience all this.
Quote from: Cascade on August 11, 2024, 05:37:25 PMI think just being there and checking in and telling them you love them and will be there for them is enough sometimes.
Cascade, thank you very much for pointing this out. I just realized how important it is not to force that kid to talk. She was forced enough to do everything in a way that my M wanted. She had it enough, now she needs freedom and just doing what she wants. If it´s running in circles in the room and screaming out the pain and frustration, so be it, let´s scream. (Not literally, I don´t want to scare my old neighbors ;D ) It´s good to feel that intuitively I was doing something good (training the gut feelings, hurrah ;D ).
Quote from: CactusFlower on August 12, 2024, 02:13:59 PMI also allowed myself to have things. I'm 54 and have a teddy bear and a bunny plushie.
CactusFlower, this is so beautiful and resonates with me so much. I´ve been bullied and criticized all my childhood and couldn´t do anything right in my mother´s eyes. Now I´m afraid to take even a step without checking if I´m doing it right. Having that stuffed animal, giving your inner children treats and little gifts can be so empowering. I imagine the joy of those children, it´s so powerful. :bighug:
Quote from: Little2Nothing on March 15, 2024, 04:51:07 PMI have struggled with the concept of the inner child. The idea seems foreign to me. The child that was, no longer exists in my mind, he died long ago. My T has talked about doing inner child work and it makes me extremely uncomfortable.
My issue is that I cannot reconstruct who he is, probably more accurately don't want to. I have no empathy for this seemingly fictitious person, or at least I cannot muster any empathy. Though I sometimes think my hesitance is due to my fear of what I will find if he is produced. At best I feel ambivalence and at worst I feel disdain for it.
I have a feeling I've said this before so I apologise if I'm repeating myself, I can't exactly recall. But I feel very much the same way. I have even used the exact words, "my inner child died long ago". They're not even a part of me, and if they are, I want nothing to do with them. Children are fragile, weak, dependent, helpless, incapable - everything I no longer want to be. It feels that, if I were to admit I have an inner child, I would be admitting that I'm still powerless and vulnerable in some way. And if I'm powerless and vulnerable, then I'm in great danger.
I've actually been reflecting on all this recently, and have been expressing my anguish through creative writing. It's still in the ideas phase but I envision myself to be a monster who metaphorically "ate" my inner child. They no longer exist but by "consuming" them I have become haunted by volatile emotions and memories I don't want to believe are mine. So rather than my alleged inner child being an actual person, it's more like a blight, a ghostly possession, a condition that plagues me. And this haunting dwells in the furthest and deepest compartments of my body, submerged in the acid and darkness within me.
I realise this differs greatly to how others handle their inner child, but this seems to be the most comfortable coping mechanism for myself, despite its visceral nature. :Idunno:
Quote from: NarcKiddo on March 21, 2024, 01:19:39 PMEven when it is appropriate for me to be nominally in child state (for example needing my husband to look after me when I am ill) I do my utmost to avoid being in that position.
I get that, the thought of actually needing help is incredibly uncomfortable. It just sends me straight into an EF, and reminds me of the lack of help I received as a child. It feels far safer to just avoid being dependent wherever possible.
Regards,
Aphotic.
Quote from: AphoticAtramentous on August 14, 2024, 05:12:50 AMIt's still in the ideas phase but I envision myself to be a monster who metaphorically "ate" my inner child. They no longer exist but by "consuming" them I have become haunted by volatile emotions and memories I don't want to believe are mine.
Sorry, if I´m being very off-topic here, but the first thing that came to my mind reading this, was the painting Saturn Devouring His Son by Francisco Goya. The painting depicts the mythological story of the Roman god, Saturn, who eats his children because of his fear that they will kill him, based on a prophecy. And the parallel I saw here is the fear of being "overthrown" by this creature (your inner child/children and their weakness) and the need to destroy this threatening element.
Again, sorry, if I misinterpreted the meaning of what you wanted to express, I just wanted to share this with you. :spooked:
Hi Little2Nothing. I just wanted to bring this thread back to you and see if you've found any or all of the responses are helpful? I'm often surprised at the different points of view expressed here at OOTS, but find I'm very much informed by them. It can also be kind of confusing too for some when you're trying to figure things out.
Kizzie, et al.,
It is helpful to read all the different perspectives on inner child work. Though I have done some with my T, I still find it difficult to personify a long gone aspect of my life.
The child that was is no more. The attached emotions may still be there, but the child no longer exists. I suppose that is my struggle. The idea of comforting, hugging, or talking to this past life seems like a futile effort.
I know some have found great comfort in that aspect of therapy, and I wouldn't want to ever diminish that for them.
I don't know whether this might be helpful or not, but my struggle with inner child / IFS Parts work is that I tend to talk about the inner child, and my therapist keeps stopping me to remind me to talk WITH them, not about them. Nobody likes being talked about, but we all want to be listened to. Our inner critics and inner children and IFS parts all want to be validated and listened to, just like we do as our Self.
Sometimes my "inner child" or "IFS Part" that comes through doesn't present as a person, but simply as some feelings, emotions, and words. When my T and I ask the Part if it has anything to say to me, sometimes it talks to me without being a personified human being.
Like I say, I don't know if that helps you. It's just what I've discovered that helps me to connect with my inner voices at times.
This thread is so helpful. I didn't even know how to approach inner child work with myself although I had read about it and it had been suggested to me. Like others who posted, I didn't know how to get in touch with her. I have a vicious inner critic that appears in various forms always lurking behind my shoulder criticizing everything I do...even how I load the dishwasher! In addition to the abuse from my parents, I was also bullied in my neighborhood and in school. I was made fun of a lot and very, very lonely. I think my inner soothing voice was just drowned out by the critic.
About six months ago, for some reason, I just started imagining a Mini Me sitting on my shoulder holding whatever emotion I was having at the moment (fear, anger, etc.) and I would tell her thank you, that it was okay to have the emotion and tell her she was safe. This helped a bit to keep me in the moment and not go off in my head with angry (and even violent) thoughts.
One day a few months ago, I was looking for a new meditation on an app I use. An inner child healing one caught my eye because it involved a bear. Growing up I had the same nightmare of being chased by a big bear that I couldn't get away from. Finally, about two years before I left my husband, my fear of the bear lessened until one night I actually shot and killed the bear. I think it was a prophetic dream. So, when I saw this inner child meditation with the bear, I decided to try it and embrace the bear. Honestly, I was a bit nervous because I wasn't sure how I was going to react. Even the picture of the bear's face gave me a start. But, I tried it. Even though inner child work had never resonated with me before, this meditation did.
One night, after doing this meditation a couple times, I woke up in the middle of the night. Without really thinking about it, I started recalling all the "big" abusive moments from my childhood. In each of these moments I imagined my adult self witnessing the event and feeling the emotions my younger self was feeling (whatever the age). When each event ended, I imagined my adult self going to my younger self and comforting her in whatever way felt right. I started with the youngest memory (which is actually my sister's memory so I imagined what my mother had done to me at the age of 3 to cause the bruising based on her pattern of abuse). When I did this, I felt shear terror for a few seconds. For a moment I was afraid I was going to panic and have to wake up my wife, but I did calm down. So, I picked my 3 year old self up and held her tight, telling her very gently that she was safe and loved and no one would ever hurt her like that again. When I was finished going through all of the abusive events, I went back to my 3 y.o. self and took her to a safe, imaginary place and I just snuggled with her and talked to her. The next morning I didn't have my usual anxiety and felt like maybe I had made a little progress in healing.
I tried to do the same exercise a few nights later, but it didn't feel right...I guess that one time was what I needed. But, I have started imagining my own loving arms wrapped around me when I feel angry or afraid (which is basically all the time :pissed: ). So maybe that one night gave me the confidence to start soothing myself more as an adult? I still can't do it a lot but I seem to be making slow progress.
I don't know if this is helpful to anyone.
Regardz, yes, this is very helpful and very similar to my experience with the inner child work. For me it also doesn´t feel right to force it, but when it is needed, it will come naturally -- the memories and the right words. Thank you for posting it. :)
That's beautiful Regarz, thank you for sharing that.
Regardz,
That's a great post. Hopeful. I think you're wise to visit with your inner child slowly. The fear that you have associated with this beautiful little child is real, and I would think it would be best handled slowly and with care. Keep the fear at a manageable level. I absolutely do believe that as we work with our inner IFS parts, that they DO find closure and we DO get better with each conversation we have with them.
Thank you for sharing this experience with us. It's helpful.
Hi Little2Nothing
Thanks for 'putting pen to paper' on this subject. I totally relate.
I've described my reaction to REALLY connecting to my childhood (my feelings not my thoughts) as like staring into a very deep black abyss & who would want to do that. I have also said that I might start crying & never stop such is the level of fear & sadness I felt/feel.
I read a book by Janette Winterson once that had a chapter beautifully describing her process of reconnecting with her Inner Child. It made me cry. I also did a meditation recently that had the same effect but when I did the second & 3rd times I just couldn't go there & instead got angry!
Anyway, thanks to all who wrote in this thread.
Perhaps you can all relate. I am new to this community. I found it a relief to see how many people have a common experience BUT at the same time I am overwhelmed by it!! It is terrifying to know that so many people have such pain & difficulties to live with!!
I wish it wasn't so!!
Send love to you all such as it is.