Hi everyone. I am new here. I am very nervous about being here, but I am hoping that this will help pave some of the way towards healing and not feeling so alone. I am not much of a social person even though I am in very social circles if that makes sense. I have been in therapy for about 3 years and have seen 3 therapists. I thought that I would be "better" by now and had no idea all the ugly that therapy would unleash. Everything was just let loose with the first T and Ihad no idea what was going on. I lost control of myself and felt as if all the trauma had just happened. I went to such a dark place because I had a revelation of how messed up my life was and how my parents treated me, and my family never mentioned anything that happened. I was severely neglected and abused by my mother since I can remember, and my father was an alcoholic who was absent (don't think he knows what happened to me). I have siblings but I was the only one that went through that degree of abuse. I could not handle all that anger, guilt and hurt for so long and I just wanted to unlive. My partner has not gone through trauma and could not understand anything I was going through. Our relationship went downhill as my mental and emotional health deteriorated. I ended up changing therapists about 6 months ago and this one diagnosed me with CPTSD. I Moved out on my own again, and although I am now aware of what I have and I am unable to come to terms with who I am. I am still struggling with the grief, anger and self confidence. I feel the heaviness of this label and the more I learn and become aware of what is going on with me physiologically, mentally and emotionally , the worse and disappointed I feel in myself. I am hopeful I can love little and grown me some day but for now I hope I can learn from this group and be on a path towards healing.
I am always so sad when I read a post like yours Rosa Lin because I can hear young and adult you crying out, looking for some comfort and connection. We all have gone through what you are going through and so we understand how difficult and painful it is. You are at least part of a group now and not alone with all that you're dealing with. So, welcome and I hope you find what you are looking for here.
A hug if that's OK :hug:
Rosa Lin
Welcome to this forum. Your struggle seriously tugs at my heart. One thing the people on this forum are really good at is understanding each other. The pain that you describe is the pain of CPTSD and it's something we all know and as we share together, and grow together, each at our own pace, it really does start to get better.
This forum is filled with love and compassion. I understand how you feel nervous about joining. Having lived your whole life with nobody on your side is something that takes a little while to get past. Trust takes time. This forum has a feature that has been very helpful for me. If you get into a mood to share more than usual, and you post it...and then later you start to get scared that you shared too much, this forum allows us to go back and either edit or delete what you wrote. I used to delete a lot of my posts, but learned, over time, that I didn't need to. Nobody on this forum ever judges me, so I don't delete anymore. But for times when I felt like sharing more, but then got scared later, I felt it was okay to edit or delete something I'd already posted.
I'm very glad you found this forum. Please feel free to share as much or as little as you feel comfortable with. Your healing needs to be done at your own pace.
Courage: You say that you are nervous about joining, but you did it despite the fear. That's courage: Courage is not the absence of fear: Courage is doing what you know you need to do even while feeling the fear. Your personal courage will drive you forward in your healing. I'm honored that you chose this forum to step out into.
There are a lot of very good, compassionate people here. They've sure helped me.
Welcome, welcome, welcome!
Thank you for the welcome and the hug (much needed).
Also thank you for letting me know about being able to delete posts. I am an over sharer at times and that would be helpful after my breakdowns. It does take time to trust people, but I can word vomit my emotions at the wrong times.
Rosa Lin,
I can really relate. I write way too much at times. And I can be way too open too.
I guess that's why I think it's okay when others do it too.