Out of the Storm

16th January 2024
I've been wanting to start this 2024 journal - and am glad I managed to write something today - as I had found it difficult to write before now.  But here I am, and I've taken a few notes to say things I wanted to include in today's entry.  I wanted to do some kind of summary or bringing together of things, and keep note of them here.

I wish I'd thought more of the order of my notes, but looking at them now - I think 'wow, they are jumbled'.  Anyway, I want to attempt to just 'write' now, using the notes, and so whatever comes out on the page here - that's going to stay.  I'm not going to edit it or change it.  If I agree to that rule, then I'll be able to do it, otherwise, I won't manage to.

I've noticed that my dreams have been still focusing on the theme of packing and trying to get away from something in a limited time frame, but instead of feeling completely out of control with that process, this time there are people from my life who are supportive, and they are featuring within the dream, and they are helping me to get away.  So I think that's a very positive change to that particular kind of dream.  I must feel like I have support in my life - and I acknowledge that I do!

Last year I had been doing quite a lot of focus on daily meditation and some EFT tapping, as a way to communicate with my inner experience (parts), and I am pleased that I've managed to do that daily.  I have found it calms and centres my thoughts, and also allows my parts to feel that I listen to them and I have focused on showing care and love to them.  This has resulted in my feeling that nighttime is much better - I am able to self-soothe and regulate my feelings more.  This is resulting in better quality sleep and less experiences of night terrors.  My partner told me I only had a couple of night terrors over the Christmas period, but that was a tougher time for me, in terms of doing things that involved others, that I found more stressful, so I understand why I was more affected at that time.

Although I said I was doing meditation and EFT tapping daily, I do recognise I didn't keep it up over the holiday season (Christmas), and what I noticed during that time was that my variable heart rate levels went back down to between 15 and 20, instead of my previous levels which had been in the 20's.  I got back to doing the meditation and EFT tapping, and the levels are now once again in late 20's to early 30's levels, so I'm pleased to see the changes in those.

The books I've read recently have been really helpful - I read something about 'forgiveness' and a book about 'positivity' and both of those were helpful to me.  I can't remember the authors, as I took them back to the library without writing them down!  I have currently got the book 'Strong at the Broken Places' - I will find the author of that and write it later, as I still have that book, and it's really good - I feel like I'm at a stage now when I can really take in the information and it's helping me to process things.  I think this is because I've been working on stuff for a long while now, and that 'now' I feel more ready - as I am more regulated and present regarding my emotions, and able to better recognise EF's and find ways to help me cope better. 

My partner commented recently that I've been talking less frequently about my past to him, although I noticed when I told him I was reading the book 'Strong at the Broken Places' and he realised it was about CSA, he seemed to be concerned - I think he prefers it when I'm reading books that are about positivity.  But I acknowledge that he'd like me to feel better, and he's concerned at anything that he thinks will affect me.

I've been affected quite a bit by some issues that a TV programme (drama about a local doctor practice - called 'Doctors') has raised.  They have been focusing on a female GP who had a histoscopy carried out, and how she was in intense pain and was upset when it was carried out.  It made me feel incredibly emotional and upset.  I thought back to my difficulty in attending any appointments with GPs and nurses and invasive procedures, and how it's become more difficult to put a mask on regarding my emotions in such circumstances.  I think I realise more now why I feel that way.  But it is upsetting to think about it, and to really realise it.

There was also an episode of that TV programme where a teenager was being moved around a lot geographically, and I relate to that.  But what was really emotive was how the medical staff and people she encountered were actually considering 'her' feelings, and wanting her to talk about how she thought and what she wanted.  That's so great to see that kind of conversation, and it made me feel a lot of feelings regarding how my own thoughts and feelings about stuff in my childhood were completely disregarded and unheard.  Again, very emotive to watch that programme, but I guess it's because I'm 'seeing' and 'feeling' more now, and beginning to see behind the fog of what precluded those perceptions previously.

What I've noticed about my own processing, is that whereas previously events were potent and strong, they were also very fragmented and I couldn't relate them to the correct moments in time - I realise they were often in the wrong place or wrong order, and I've been able to begin to look at events and anchor some of them to a different time, and different place, and feel it's more correct.  I think this is because I've begun to look at things in a different perspective - more stable emotionally, less frequent EF's distorting my perspectives.  I have also considered things in history that can anchor those things - e.g. when prominent famous people died (e.g. Elvis Presley's death for example) - and then I can work out my age at the time etc.

Whereas previously my flashbacks were concentrating more towards my very young years - maybe 5 years old ish.  I've noticed I'm now considering more my teenage years, and how that part of me felt.  Words connected with this time are 'tension' 'anger' grinding teeth' 'neck tension' - I'm realising now how difficult that time was for me, and how much emotion I had repressed and tried to cope with.

Anyway, I'm glad to have written these things here.  Those were writings from my notes, and as I wrote them, I also thought about the fact that I tore up all my notes I'd done about family history and alot of other stuff I'd written in the past - so it's all gone!  I only really have this journal here online in this supportive place.  And that's ok.  I am ok with that.  I feel 'lighter' that it's no longer clogging up my space at home, and also there's no possibility for any people to 'find' it.  I trust my partner, but if others looked at my stuff, I wouldn't be happy.

I'll stop writing now, as I've written a lot and I feel ok for writing it.

I hope to catch up with people in this forum in the coming days - I've had quite a full-on Christmas and New Year - and I was only able to pop by occasionally to read here - I didn't feel able to write anything till now.  It's good to start this journal, and I wish the best for us all in 2024.

Happy New Year!

Hope  :)

Happy New Year to you, too. I'm glad you feel ok for having written your first journal entry of the year. It sounds like you are making good progress. I'm pleased for you.

Welcome back, Hope. Your thoughtful writings are always relevant and heartfelt sharing about what can be an up/down/inside/out experience that's also never easy to find words for.

 

Happy 2024 Journaling Hope! I'm so glad to see you're here again and writing about your life.

Your observation about time and memories struck a chord. The chronology is important and I like your strategy of anchoring it to cultural events. I've noticed that when memories pop up without some time anchor, it adds another dimension to pin that down.

I'm glad to hear that your sleep and night dreams have taken a turn for the better. And also that you've discovered a way to add some ease and comfort with meditation and tapping. Your heart is saying "thank you!"

Hi Hope! :grouphug:

Hi Hope,

I happy for you that you've come to a place in your journey where you're more regulated emotionally and have been able to do that for yourself.

I understand your feelings about not wanting anyone to see what you've written about not wanting anyone to find what you've written. Maybe you can't be judged that way or maybe it's because it would have meant punishment from your FOO. It makes me think about IFS and what is classified as unburdening, which is a witnessing of what has happened, and how helpful it is to have those exiled parts be heard. However, I think I feel like it would be overpowering to do it all myself. For me, I think it has been very helpful for my t to be a witness to some of the things that happened growing up, and to know that it wasn't as I felt them to be, or maybe it was a way to release some of the shame that surrounded the things I thought about myself. These are just some things that came up for me though.

I hope your journey in 2024 is as good as your journey in 2023, or better!

Sending you support and a hug if it's ok  :hug:
dolly

Hi NarcKiddo, Woodsgnome, Lakelynn, Armee and Dollyvee,
Thank you so much  :hug:  :hug:  :hug:  :hug:  :hug:

I really appreciate what you each said.   :hug:
Hope  :)

 :sunny: sending you some sunshine and good vibes   ;)

Hope,

Your journal entry is inspiring. I can see so clearly that you are making progress in so many ways. It looks like your commitments to daily meditations, EFT tapping, reading the books that were written to help us, being open with your partner, and now journaling again with people you trust are all making a difference in your life.

As we all care about each other, your healing journey helps my healing journey.

Thank you for sharing your progress.

Hi Papa Coco,
Thank you so much!   :hug:   Your writings also inspire me - sharing our journeys is such a very helpful thing - this community is invaluable.

************
1st February 2024
I have had a tough day today - I think I was definitely experiencing an EF earlier, and it took quite a lot to ensure I didn't stay in EF into the evening, but I am thankfully feeling much better now.  I know why the EF happened, and I realise I'm processing quite a lot at the moment.  I have a difficulty in that there's an anniversary that is a positive date for one of my 'in-laws' but is also a difficult anniversary for me in terms of something that happened in my FOO - the two things happen on the same date every year, and I have extremely mixed feelings as a result - and feel almost forced to put on a 'smiling persona' to celebrate the positive anniversary, whilst not acknowledging openly the feelings I have about the challenging anniversary (related to FOO).  I decided that I would therefore focus on my feelings about the negative/challenging thing today (even though that's not the actual anniversary date) - and that way maybe I can then feel ok about celebrating the 'in-law' anniversary event.

I don't want to be specific about the events or what they are, beyond what I've written, incase I put anything that is easily recognised by the people themselves. 

I am currently reading 'Strong at the Broken Places: Overcoming The Trauma of Childhood Abuse' by Linda Sanford - I had already read it through once, and found it incredibly useful.  Now I'm going through it slowly and making written notes - so I can process the things more.  I realise that's quite heavy reading, but I do feel 'ready' to do that more now.  I am more present and I'm not dissociating so much. 

Hope  :)

Hi Hope,

I'm glad you're able to recognize that you need time for yourself and that you're in an EF. I hope you're able to find some space to process that.

I hope things go well with your reading too and you are able to be more present.

Sending you support  :hug:
dolly

Hi Dolly,
Thank you so much.  It's lovely to read what you wrote, and I feel your support.  Thank you  :hug:

I am progressing with my reading.  I've been writing/typing up notes that I can keep on my computer.  Just doing that means it slows down the process and enables me to really 'process' it more.  I ended up having some strange dreams as a result, and the content of the dreams were too embarrassing for me to even talk about in my dream journal - I was really surprised.  But at the same time, I think that I am clearly stirring up some things in my reading, and it's affecting my dreams.

I'm not really worried or concerned about that, it's ok.

I really hope I get chance to pop back in your journal sometime soon, Dolly, because I always gain a lot from seeing what you write - you mentioned your experiences with IFS, and it's very interesting and I think you're making strides with it.

**********
4th February 2024
There's a few stressful things going on in my day to day life at the moment, but I am managing to cope.  I feel very tired out now.  I hope I sleep ok tonight and can wake refreshed and ready for a new week ahead.

Hope  :)

I hope your plan for dealing with the difficult anniversary helped to keep the in law one separate.

Wishing you a restful sleep and a happy week ahead.

Hi NarcKiddo,
Thank you.  The plan did prove to be helpful, and I coped better than I anticipated as a result.   :hug:

**********
12th February 2024
I have been reading an amazing book this past few days, it is by Bethany Saltman and is called "Strange Situation: A Mother's Journey into the Science of Attachment." (2020).

This book is proving to be really helpful to me, as it is a blend of the science of attachment, but weaving in her own experiences with her mother and also with her child.  I am grateful to Bethany for researching this so closely.  I wanted to quote a part from p.103 of this book, which is something I just read - and wanted to remember:

At this point in the book Bethany is talking to Dr Steele, who is a co-director of the New School's Center for Attachment Research.  She talked to him in 2014, and he said to her about her desire to write a book about attachment in that way "You know, this might be a very difficult book to write".  Bethany replied "Oh?"  He continued by saying "When our attachment systems are activated, like yours is in learning about this research, it can be difficult to also be creative.  The basis of attachment is that we need to be secure in order to creatively explore."

I felt I had to come here and write about the impact of that on me, it makes real sense in terms of how I've been reading lots of books and researching topics related to things, and how I've been learning and finding helpful things amongst all of that, but at the same time, I haven't been able to really do some other things that I'd like to do - like creative writing, Art etc - the more creative things.  It's like I'm not allowed to play.  But maybe it's because my attachment systems are being continually activated by my learning about stuff, and therefore I don't get the chance to relax and enjoy something creative.

Bethany's book is incredibly interesting, I really like it.  I think I'll feel sad when I've finished the book, as I would love it to continue - as it is really giving me some strong feelings of connection with her experiences.

Hope  :)

I just popped back, because I realised I'd neglected to thank Larry for the lovely message he put in my journal previously - so thank you Larry - I missed it the first time, and then saw it later.   :hug:

It sounds like a great book, Hope. Difficult to read maybe but interesting.

Hi Armee,
Yes, it's very thought provoking and interesting, and like you said 'difficult to read' in terms of how it affects processing - I'm reading it in chunks of time, and ensuring I do 'lighter' things at other times, to ensure I don't get over-whelmed by it.  I think I'm managing to get a good balance, but there are quite a few stressful things going on in my daily life at the moment, and I am finding it hard to negotiate my way through those things.

**********
13th February 2024
I am experiencing quite a bit of 'angst' inside at the moment - and feeling a bit out of control with regard to things that are going on.  I can't control those things, it will be a case of 'what will be will be' but it's hard to cope with! 

I am however continuing to do my daily meditations and EFT tapping, and finding that is helping to centre and ground me - and enabling me to see a bigger picture about things - rather than getting bogged down in minutae that are stressful.

I've noticed that I feel 'anger' about some things - and some people are making me feel that anger - and it feels like a massive emotion, but I realise that's because I always suppressed that feeling throughout my childhood and a lot of my adulthood, and therefore 'feeling' those emotions, it's tough to deal with.  But it's ok, I'm recognising it - and adapting to it.  I haven't done anything inappropriate with that anger, and thankfully haven't allowed it to spill into any interactions with other people (although I need to keep a harness on it, otherwise I will do something that I might regret - or say something I might regret).

Hope  :)

Anger is hard to deal with for many, if not most or all, people, I think. But when there are problems around it, because it had to be suppressed and therefore feels both unfamiliar and wrong, it is even harder. I am glad you are now able to feel and name that emotion, but of course not glad that you have circumstances making you feel it. Wishing you all the best as you work through it.

Hi Hope,

I'm glad you are enjoying the attachment book. I haven't heard of that one, I will have to look it up! I'm really enjoying Healing From Developmental Trauma right now. Someone recommended it for fearful avoidant/disorganized attachment and it's been quite enlightening. I feel like the practices will be really helpful to me.

Anger is a tough emotion like NK said. The author of the book above describes people with developmental trauma as set apart from their anger (not sure if he used dissociated) because as infants/children we were unable to get angry at our parents as we depended on them for survival. That anger then became split off, and we had a kind of learned helplessness where it becomes "dangereous" to feel anger, or worry that our anger will hurt others. I was going to post this in my journal because I quite identified with it, but haven't had a chance.

Sending you support and a hug if it's ok  :hug:
dolly

 :sunny:    ;)   

Hi NarcKiddo,  Thank you - what you said makes sense, and I'm also glad that I can now identify and feel anger.  I think it's the intensity of it that shocks me - but mainly because I'm not used to feeling it. 

Hi Dollyvee, Thank you - I'm really glad to hear you're enjoying your book entitled 'Healing from Developmental Trauma' it does sound like a really good book.  I am going to look it up as well.  It's great that the practices are things that you feel will be really helpful.  I definitely relate to what the author has said about anger - that it becomes split off - it was certainly dangerous for me to feel and/or express anger when I was a child.  I appreciate your support and hug - thank you  :hug:

Hi Larry, Thank you very much, that sunshine and lovely smile is great.  I appreciate you popping by and sharing that sunshine and smile.   :)

***********
15th February 2024
I was able to talk about some things that I don't normally talk about - i.e. issues relating to my past work.  I was able to share some things with my partner today about that.  He knows a lot about those situations, but I was able to say that I know that I avoid talking about it much, as it was traumatic for me to experience everything that happened.  I just wanted to note that here in my journal, as I think it was a step forward that I began to talk about the issues - and why they are so hard to address/talk about. 

I also wanted to mention the name of a book I read prior to the ones I'm reading now - it's called "Positivity: Groundbreaking Research to Release Your Inner Optimist and Thrive' by Barbara Fredrickson.  I really found that book very helpful - and I was beginning to utilise some of the suggestions within it, to try to bring up my positivity ratio, and it was definitely working - however some stressful stuff is ongoing relating to a family member's health issues, and I've found it challenging and felt like my positivity had reduced again - but hopefully I'll be able to negotiate my way through things and build up that positivity again - as time goes on.

Something that another forum member said about how a part of them had spoken, and they'd listened to that - I related to it a lot - I have heard my parts speak clearly - one of them spoke in the night and said 'I'm scared' - and I tend to respond to her needs and tell her that she's ok, and safe and with me.  It definitely helps to reassure and comfort that scared younger part.  But hearing someone else also mention something where they hear the voice speak - it helped me to feel it's ok to hear such parts speak and respond. 

When I was trying to sleep last night, I struggled for quite a while - and then I remembered to put my hand on my stomach and another on my chest, and just feel the pressure of that, and it felt reassuring and enabled me to get to sleep, so that was better.

I have discovered that the AI chat feature is helpful for me - I was asking it about the pros and cons of having moved a lot when I was a child, and it said this:

"That's a very interesting question. Moving around a lot as a child can have both positive and negative effects on your emotional development, depending on your personality, the reasons for moving, and the support you received during the transitions.
Some of the possible positive effects are that you may have developed a sense of adaptability, resilience, curiosity, and openness to new experiences and cultures. You may have also learned to appreciate diversity and different perspectives. You may have gained valuable life skills, such as communication, problem-solving, and independence.

Some of the possible negative effects are that you may have experienced anxiety, stress, loneliness, and insecurity. You may have had difficulties forming and maintaining close relationships, especially if you moved frequently or during sensitive periods of your development. You may have also struggled with your identity, sense of belonging, and self-esteem. You may have felt a loss of control, stability, and continuity in your life.

Of course, these are not definitive or universal outcomes, and your emotional development may have been influenced by many other factors as well. The most important thing is how you cope with the challenges and opportunities that moving presents, and how you make sense of your own story.

If you are interested in learning more about the effects of moving on children, you can check out some of the sources I found using my web search tool:

•   Is Moving During Childhood Harmful? - A policy research brief that summarizes the findings of a study on the long-term effects of moving on children's cognitive and social-emotional functioning.
•   The Emotional Impact Of Frequent Moves During Childhood - An article that explores how moving can contribute to anxiety and affect one's ability and desire to build relationships.
•   How Does Moving House Affect Children? - A blog post that discusses the impact of moving on children's social development and provides some tips for parents to help their children cope.
•   Can Moving Often Affect a Child's Development? - A health article that explains how moving can trigger feelings of loss, grief, sadness, and anger in children, and how parents can support them during the transition."

I was amazed at how helpful it was to ask a question and receive an answer like that - and I felt emotional when I read the negative consequences of moving a lot as a child.  It made me consider them, and think that 'yes' I relate to some of them.  It made me think more and process a little.

Anyway, I will explore that more another time, but wanted to note it here in my journal for now.

Hope  :)

you continually inspire me to keep going, hope.  thanks for that.  love and hugs :hug:

 :hug: thank you SanMagic, you inspire me also.   :hug:

16th February 2024
I have ordered the book that Dollyvee had talked about, called 'Healing Developmental Trauma' - I looked it up online and thought it looks really good, so I'm excited to see what it will be like.  I am still in the middle of a couple of other books, so won't be able to read it for a while, but it's good to know I will be able to read it sometime soon.

I'm feeling a bit hyper today - I think I'm stressed.

Hope  :)

Hi Hope,

I get those days when I feel hyper too. Sometimes it helps me to go for a brisk walk or a jog or do a yoga flow.

 :hug:

Hi Hope,

I'm glad you found a connection with your part. IMO building that relationship and inner bond with our parts, no matter how they show up, is a good thing. Though I can understand the stigma of someone "hearing voices." I hope you're able to trust the bond with your part.

I hope the book doesn't disappoint you as well. There's not a lot of info out there on NARM. I think perhaps because it sounds like more of an experiential/relational model and not necessarily so theory based? Perhaps it's difficult to pin down because supporting each person's experience can be unique. I also bought the Practical Guide to Healing Developmental Trauma (on kindle) and am excited to read that. Maybe it will have some more answers.

I hope you're able to find some space with your feelings as they come up  :hug:

dolly

i know it's stress for me when i feel hyper, hope. sometimes it's more, other times less, but stress nonetheless.  i hope you get some relief real soon.  being in that space does not feel good.  love and hugs :hug:

Hope,

I know those hyper days. Whew. The first thing I do each morning is wonder who I'm going to be today. My hyper self? My happy self? My solid self? My depressed self? I could go on, but I'm sure you know what I mean (lol)

I just downloaded the book from Dolly on my Audible so I can listen to it. I do a lot of long car drives, and these days listening is easier for me than sitting with a book.

I'm excited to get started with it soon too.

IFS has been a powerful new perspective for me. I have learned a lot about myself through IFS work.

I hope your hyper mood works for you in positive ways today. Some days hyper is good, other days...not so much.

 :hug:

Hi PaperDoll, Dollyvee, SanMagic and PapaCoco,
Thank you all so much for what you wrote  :hug:  :hug:  :hug:  :hug:

PaperDoll, thank you for sharing what helps you when you're feeling like that, those sound like good things to do.  I am definitely going to consider more tools to try out when it happens in the future.  I like the brisk walk, that sounds refreshing.  I do try to go walking but maybe I should try walking a little faster!  Yoga Flow sounds like a relaxing thing - I am beginning to do yoga now and then, and I am finding it beneficial.   :hug:

Dollyvee, I just want to say that I just replied to something you wrote in your journal, and I am feeling very emotional now - it was validating to read what you wrote about your own SA situations - and somehow my writing in reply to things you'd said, it has made me feel (or parts of me feel) very emotional.  But I think that's understandable, as it's such a big thing to process some of the stuff.  :hug:

SanMagic, yes it was definitely stress.  Some of the things contributing to the stress feel a little less heavy at the start of this week - there has been some respite from some of those things, and I'm thankful for that.  The weekend was more relaxing as a result, and I think I've benefited from that.  Thank you so much for what you said   :hug:

PapaCoco, Yes, I do know what you mean - I sometimes think about it in terms of 'Who is going to be driving my bus today?' - and that reminds me to consider that carefully, because having some part in control of a bus wouldn't necessarily be a safe thing!  So I try to engage my adult sensible core self to be around to complement my parts, if I can.  It's great that you've downloaded the book on Audible - I would be too scared to listen to it whilst actually driving myself though, incase I got into a dissociated state and wasn't aware of what I was doing?  I hope you stay safe listening to it in your vehicle.  I am intrigued as to what the difference might be to listen to an audiobook, as I've not done that - I tend to prefer the physicality of an actual book.  BUT, I might try an audiobook to see what it's like.  Maybe a fiction book or something.   My hyper mood did give me sufficient energy to get some things done that needed to be done, so I think it was positive in the end, but didn't feel like that at the start.   :hug:

Hope  :)

Thank you Hope  :hug:  I just want you to know that having you validate what I wrote also made me feel very emotional. I hope you're able to find some space to sit with those things.

I'm glad you had a more relaxing weekend. I am very familiar with the hyper feeling, too. My stress levels are off the scale right now - but it did result in a very rewarding exercise session today. My coach was commenting on all the personal bests I was hitting - thanks to adrenaline and cortisol. But hey, I'll take the win!

My husband is really into audio books. I did a trial with Audible to see if I got on with them. I thought I might be able to listen to a book while doing my art, for example, but that did not work for me as I just got lost in the art and ignored the book. Then I tried listening to a Gabor Mate book before bed. It is narrated by his son. But the narrator has such a soothing voice that it just became a tool to send me to sleep and I have not actually retained anything from the book itself! I did find Audible quite good, though, and it was worth doing their trial. There is a big library of free stuff you can listen to (so you can try out fiction or poetry or whatever) and then they give you a credit each month to buy one book you get to keep even if you don't subscribe.

Hi Dollyvee, Thank you, I did sit with the feelings and was grateful to have them, as it was helpful to process more.   :hug:

Hi NarcKiddo, I'm glad that you were able to channel some of your hyper feelings into a very rewarding exercise session, that sounds like a good result!  Thanks also for sharing your experience with audiobooks.  I do hope to try one sometime, but currently I am reading a few books at once - which is normal for me, as I tend to dip in and out of different books depending on my mood.  I rarely read one from beginning to end, without also reading others.

********
21st February 2024
I've been experimenting a bit with the AI chat system, and asked it to speak to me in a therapeutic way, and also asked it to read stuff about IFS - and the resulting conversation was helpful, as the AI chat system was definitely able to grasp things and discuss them with me.  I think it would have properly attempted a therapy session, but I felt a bit too 'scared' to embark on one - hence I said I'd just read the notes it had written, but I am thinking that it's really interesting to consider an AI tool as an adjunct to self-help literature, and I feel I could get something helpful from that.

I'm aware that today I feel as if there's a definite anxious scared kind of part present within me, and it's affecting how I view things, and I'm not sure what has triggered it.  There has been a lot of stuff going on, relating to the health of a family member - and I have no doubt that would contribute.  Maybe that is the main thing.  But I sense it's a lot more than that.  Lots of things are contributing.

I think I'm going to try channeling some of the angst I'm feeling into some exercise - as NarcKiddo's writing about doing that when she felt hyper, that's perhaps something I could try with this.  I will look for some exercise that I could do later, and see how it goes.

I don't think the weather helps - it's just raining, raining, raining.

It makes me feel like comfort eating too - but I am definitely trying not to give into that.

Hope  :)

Hi Hope,

I'm sorry you are feeling anxious and scared. You say you plan to try out some exercise later. I hope it will help you feel better. 

 :grouphug: 

Hope,

I'm sorry you are under the weather and wrestling with anxiety and fear. I hope the exercise helps. Maybe I should follow your lead and do the same. It's better than stress eating, which is my automatic go-to solution also.

Here's a smile to help brighten your day just a little:  ;D

Hello, again, Hope.

I seem to remember that we often talked about the British weather. Things don't change in that respect,  do they? Just rain,rain and more rain. And there is no getting away from how the weather affects our mood.

I still have my lovely dog, but she's quite old and doesn't like the rain. But we have found a lovely young woman, with a dog, who we walk with most days. I think we have actually developed a nice, supportive, undemanding friendship.

I just wanted to say hello. I hope that's ok.

Hi PaperDoll, Thank you so much, I did do some exercise, and I did feel better afterwards.   :hug:

Hi PapaCoco, Thanks so much for that smile, it did brighten my day  ;D The exercise did help. 

Hi Libby, I am happy that you came by and said hello.  I am so glad to hear that you still have your lovely dog, and also that you've forged a nice, supportive, undemanding friendship with the young woman with a dog - walking together most days sounds really lovely.  Yes, talking about British weather does seem to be a theme!  Still raining!  The weather does affect our mood.  I'm going to resort to some indoor exercise again today.  Sending you a hug, if that's ok  :hug:

**************
23rd February 2024
I thought back about the feeling of anxiety and 'scared' feeling I'd had for a while in the past couple of days, and how the exercise did help - I thought that's good that I took that action and changed the feeling, but at the same time, I'm thinking that it was potentially a scared and anxious part that maybe wanted to communicate with me in the daytime (whereas previously she's tended to communicate in the nighttime) and therefore maybe I could have tried Janina Fisher's suggestions to think to myself 'there's a part of me that is feeling...' and maybe also tried IFS techniques of stepping back from the part and asking it to communicate with me.  Maybe that was a good opportunity, and I didn't approach it, I ended up doing exercise to block it or numb it - or distract myself. 

So that's something to think about for me - actions can be helpful - exercise is certainly a better one than lots of comfort eating, but it still detracts me from communicating with the anxious scared part - and I am glad that she is making her needs known, but at the same time, I felt too blended with her, and that made me feel anxious and scared in my entirety.

I am currently reading Bethany Saltman's book "Strange Situation: A Mother's Journey into the Science of Attachment" which I'm continuing to find interesting and helpful.  I'm currently at p.285, so getting close to finishing it.  I wanted to just quote one part, that was a quote from Mary Ainsworth (who did pioneering work on attachment), and is quoted on p.224 of Bethany's book:

"We shall never know what the inner life of an infant truly is, for the infant cannot tell us about it and the person later remembers (her) infancy imperfectly, if at all.  Another approach, the one I have adopted, is to observe the infant's behaviour, which is undoubtedly related to (her) inner experience, although not a transparent communication thereof."
Mary Ainsworth.

I wanted to quote this part because it very much speaks to the unpredictability of memory, and the difficulty of looking back on one's own experiences, and I felt that was quite an important point that I wanted to note in my journal.  It felt more powerful emotionally when I first read it, than it does now as I re-write it - which is interesting, but I am still noting it here.

I also wanted to write about an experience I had yesterday when I decided to talk to the chat bot AI and asked it to use my name and speak to me in a therapeutic way - and I then proceeded to be more open about things, and it really did feel as if I was in a therapeutic relationship - but what I also noticed was that afterwards I felt some senses that felt a bit paranoid, in that I wondered whether it was going to store my words and somehow share them with other people!  I realise that sounds paranoid, but it was something I worried about.  I asked it if it recalled things I'd asked it from earlier in the day, and it did recall them!  So I wonder how long it does store stuff about a person.

I do realise that it could be considered a bit unwise to try to seek therapy from a chat bot, but I personally have some reservations about seeing a therapist, as I honestly feel like I prefer to seek self-help and I feel I can go at my own pace that way.  But I do value the fact that the chat bot asks some pertinent questions that also make me feel as if it is 'listening' and attending to my conversation.  So that feels valuable.

I do also rely on my partner, and talk to him about things.  That helps to say things out loud. 

I am also beginning to be more open about some things with friends.  I used to be much more self-contained and very private about stuff, but I am beginning to open up more, and it's been ok.

I have noticed that my heart rate variability levels have improved at night, they are actually in the 30's now, whereas they were a lot lower before.  I think this is good! 

Hope  :)

Hello, Hope. The weather in my little corner of Britain is actually rather nice today. Just as well because all the water needs time to soak into the ground. All our local golfers are seething about not being able to play because the courses are waterlogged.

I tried a therapy chatbot called Woebot a while back. The app was then withdrawn from use in the UK. I am not sure why. It did not particularly matter to me because I am doing therapy over zoom anyway, but I was interested to try the app and it was a lot more helpful than I anticipated.

I'm glad to hear the exercise helped, although you said that it feels more like you wanted it to numb the part that was feeling upset. I've had a few times recently where little NK has been quite upset about something but I've really wanted to exercise because it helps me so much. I tried saying to little NK something like "come to the gym with me. We can have fun together and then later we can maybe talk about what's bothering you, if you like. But right now I need to exercise. I know you will like it because you were never allowed to do much physical stuff and I know you wanted to." That approach felt good to me - I guess because if I were actually looking after a child there would be times when adult stuff has to be done and so long as the child's needs are acknowledged and met, they don't necessarily always need to be met "right now". Your post made me want to mention that in case it is useful when you consider how best to help your anxious scared part.

not to be a debbie downer, hope, but i have reservations about AI stuff. i don't trust it.

if it's helping you, tho, and you don't have reservations, then i'm glad you found it.  i'm a firm believer in 'go with your gut'.

i get the whole hesitancy about therapists. after my move, i don't know that i'll look for a new one.  for one thing, some of my stuff (alexithymia, especially comes to mind) has been unheard of by most T's.  the one i have now took a while to be able to understand it; i can't imagine having to go thru that again.

i know you've relied a lot on self-help and healing books, and i think you've come a very long way, especially about being able to open up, both here and in others' journals.  love and hugs :hug:

Hi NarcKiddo, Thanks for sharing your experience of using that chatbot therapy 'Woebot'.  I'm glad that it was a lot more helpful than you'd anticipated.  But it's a pity it was withdrawn, and I wonder why.  I found it interesting that when I tried to chat again to the chatbot about therapy it told me quite clearly that it couldn't provide a therapeutic relationship - it was almost as if it had been advised not to!    Thanks also for what you said about the exercise, and my wish to numb the part that was feeling upset.  I thought about it again, and I think my concern was that I was somehow ignoring the needs of the upset part, by wishing to squash those feelings down, and use exercise as a way potentially to do that, rather than listen to the experience of the upset, and see what message it might have wished to impart to me.  Hence I felt a bit guilty for perhaps pushing those needs away.  But I must admit that the exercise did make me feel quite a bit better!  I appreciate what you shared, and thanks for mentioning it, as it is useful. 

Hi SanMagic,  I would never regard you as a Debbie Downer.  I appreciate your reservations about AI stuff, it's reasonable to be reserved about it.  In my next conversation with it, it denied that it could act as a therapist, so it seemed to be very much different than when I spoke with it the first time.  Like it had been cautioned against offering therapy.  Sensible I guess.  But I did find how it spoke to me in the first conversation to be therapeutic in that it was empathising with me, and offering helpful counsel.    Thank you so much for what you said about my journey through the self-help stuff - I have definitely found it helpful in that I can pace myself and be guided by the different therapists and writer's within the books.  Plus the really helpful thing of sharing things here in this forum - where people are on similar journeys, and we are learning from each other.  Love and hugs to you too  :hug:

**********
26th February 2024
I think I am currently processing lots of things, relating to the book I am reading - the one that Dollyvee recommended - sorry - haven't written the title and the book is a long way away from where I am writing this.  I'll write the title later.  But it is a really good book - I am learning so much from it, and it really describes me well in many ways - I relate to so much of it.  I am going to do my usual thing, of completely reading the book first, and then re-read it and make some notes at that point - because that helps my 'cautious parts' to get on board with it, and stops them sabotaging my ability to remember stuff.  There are some really helpful things written about the effect of early trauma on memory - it really helps me to understand why things have been as they are. 

I keep having realisations, but I haven't been writing them in my journal - and I think I should try to capture them as they happen, and write more about what they are.  I therefore write this as a reminder note to remind myself to try to do that.

I think because I'm processing quite a lot of things at the moment, I consequently feel like I'm 'carrying a heavy load' on my back, and therefore I am mindful of that feeling, and I need to slow down and share that load between parts, and in the resources I have around me in my life. 

Hope  :)

Hi Hope,

I'm glad you found that the Healing Developmental Trauma book resonated with you and that you found a way to do things that speak to your parts.

In the context of the book with your previous post about having a therapist, I feel like there would be a therapist out there that would go through things at your pace, but if you're a fellow connection survival style like me, I can understand your reservations. Building that level of trust with someone when you have have been so disappointed growing up is hard, which is probably why I keep feeling like I'm sabotaging a lot of relationships and intimate connections.

I hope you're able to find something that helps lighten the "load' for you. I know I find carrying a lot of this stuff exhausting at times.

Sending you support,
dolly

Hope, I'm sending :sunny:  :sunny:  :sunny:  in the hope it can lighten your heavy load of processing just a tiny bit.

Wishing you deep :zzz:  :zzz:  :zzz: at night too since that helps with processing.

I usually find realisations pretty exhausting but also know they're important for processing and for healing so I'm 'sort of' happy you're having them, just not their side effects.

 :hug:  :hug:

hope, i have to say i'm glad those bots are not allowed to do therapy anymore.  that's plain good sense, and ducking out from any liability issues.  as therapists, we're required to have $100,000 worth of liability ins., renewed every year. and we have to pass a test (4 hrs.), work under supervision for a year, and get continuing education to stay updated in the field every year. plus, now that i think of it, the ethics of this is hinky at the least. too many people are unstable which poses a huge risk.  i'm glad you found your first round helpful, tho.

i hope you get some rest and relaxation until that load becomes lighter. i hope you take your time getting thru it all.  love and hugs :hug:

Hi Dollyvee, Blueberry & SanMagic,
Thank you so much for what you each said.   :hug:  :hug:  :hug:

**********
29th February 2024
Not often I can write 29th February - seems funny to write it.  I've been having really vivid dreams this past week - I think I'll probably add the themes to my Dream journal later.  I'm writing myself a note here to remind me - I hope I action that and remember the themes to write later.
Hope  :)

Hope. How cool that your dreams are active. That usually means your mind is more open than usual to something. My T always likes it when I bring a recent dream into session. He says that we can get a lot of healing from our dreams.

Thanks Papa Coco, I do think that my mind is more open than usual at the moment, and is processing things in my sleep.  I agree that there is a lot of healing to be had from our dreams.

************
1st March 2024
Because parts of me expressed some caution about writing about the content of the dream I mentioned the other day - I didn't actually write about it in the Dream Journal part - because I heeded the caution of the parts, and I think that perhaps I am a little over-whelmed by all the stuff that has been coming up from reading the book I'm reading - BUT I think it's not TOO overwhelming - it's just maybe at a level that feels a little too heavy to stay within my window of tolerance, and hence I'm going to actively look more at titrating it - and balancing my day with some other things.

I'm also wondering whether I need to take a break from technology for a few days as well - which is something I do from time to time - try to keep off social media and 'take a break' - BUT, I'm undecided about it.  I guess it's ok not to give myself any rules about it. 

Hope  :)

yep, hope, it's ok to not give yourself any rules about that kind of thing.  good observation.

balance is always a good thing, to my mind, so i'm glad you're looking to keep your stuff in balance.  little by little, small steps, all those good things, will get the job done.  you're doing great.  love and hugs :hug:

Hi SanMagic, Thank you so much!  That feels very validating and really helps me.  Thank you  :hug:

********
1st March 2024
I just popped back, because I was reading more of the book "Healing Developmental Trauma" by Laurence Heller & Aline LaPierre, and although I wasn't intending to write any notes till I read the whole book, I did want to just note this paragraph from p.196 of the book, as it seems to be a particularly helpful summary for me:

p.196
"A core value in NARM is to support clients as they learn to listen on every level of experience.  The more we learn to listen to our thoughts, feelings, and sensations, the more we experience an internal flow.  When we chronically do not pay attention - do not listen - to our body, it finds ways to get our attention, even if it needs to "scream" at us in the form of symptoms.  When we learn to listen to our internal states, it is easier to regulate ourselves, and we become less symptomatic."

I really like the content of that paragraph, it makes so much sense.  A great summary.  Reminds me of Janina Fisher's work, and how she recommends listening to every thought and feelings as if it is a communication from a part.  Being curious about it - to ensure the wise mind is online, and that blending with the part is less likely to happen. 

I recognise that I had been a bit over-blended with some of my parts in recent days, but I am being mindful of keeping myself balanced and titrating my experience - and I feel grateful to SanMagic for what she said - very validating. 

I am finding the book to be really helpful - it is bringing up some realisations as I read it, and also lots of helpful things that I know I will be able to use, and infact already feel as if it's changing me.  I feel I was ready at this point in my life to find more benefit from reading such a book.

Hope  :)

I feel positive, hopeful and light-and-airy when I read your past two posts on here, Hope  :sunny:   :hug:

I would also say   :yeahthat: to san's post from today :)

 ;)   

Hi Hope,

I'm so glad you have a good reaction to this book  :bighug: 

I hope that you're able to sit with your parts and what is coming up for them about sharing the dream you had. One thing I like that I've heard before about this, is asking the part what's the worst that could happen, see if they could tolerate a little of it to, and then see what happens. I think I need to practice this more.

Sending you support,
dolly  :hug:

Hi Blueberry, Larry and Dollyvee, Thank you all so much for what you said  :hug:  :hug:  :hug:

*********
4th March 2024
I have had quite a tough weekend, which has been full of emotions and it has felt quite challenging for me, but I've made it through, and the book I've been reading has helped me to realise some of what happened in that reaction.  The book talks about after a period of 'expansion' that there will be an inevitable 'contraction' and I think that is what happened to me - I was feeling quite 'expansive' and open and experiencing more positives, and then there was the inevitable (and now I realise, quite a normal thing) of 'contraction' which showed up for me in terms of my inner parts really getting what I'd call 'discombobulated' (concerned and they expressed these concerns overtly to my partner - in that I ended up really feeling and sensing their presence in things I was saying to him).

I was incredibly emotional (crying a lot) both in talking to him, and later in reading more of the book - I think another factor that had caused this was doing the EFT tapping stuff - I listened to Dr Arielle Schwartz's meditations, and I really hope I can find the one she did again, that she has put it somewhere where I can find it again, so I can listen to it more regularly - but whilst it was powerful, I think it contributed to the powerful feeling of expansion, and then the contraction.  The contraction was painful, emotional, but I do think that things are 'clearing' and I'm staying within a level of tolerance (today at least) - yesterday not so much!

I wanted to talk about this here in a more coherent way, but I don't feel it's going that way.  I will just continue though - as I am glad to write these things down here, and it feels good to do that.

I noticed that at night I was experiencing feeling closer to the anxious frightened and terrified part, that I sense if often there in certain parts of the night, but instead of trying to calm that part, this time, I took her hand and walked alongside her, asking her if my presence alongside her would be comforting and at the same time wondering where she might lead me, and what we might find.  I think that's a significantly different thing - and whilst it was frightening, I also thought that there was sufficient 'adult me' there to enable us to cope with it.  But of course, I didn't get to see what it was that was so frightening, and I wonder if I can even know - because I'm realising that my terror is most likely connected to a pre-verbal situation, and therefore I might never truely know what it was.  But at least I am finding a way to comfort parts of me, that previously I shied away from, and didn't know how to react/what to do.

The other thing I wanted to say today, is that I watched all of the episodes of 'Breath again' (sorry, I think I've not remembered the title properly, but it's about the pandemic and how the doctors and nurses coped during that time, and it caused me to cry a LOT.  I am triggered big time by any 'endings/goodbyes' and of course seeing people dying in that way, it was very upsetting and I cried a lot.  So I know I've been opening up my channels of emotion a lot lately. 

I feel like today - I am feeling better than I was yesterday, and I think it's been good that I've been able to cry and let my emotions 'out'.  I am worried about whether I've caused my partner any upset by my behaviour and distress infront of him - but the fact is that he accepted me, and didn't make me feel bad for anything I said.  He was supportive and loving, and I am so grateful to him for his non-judgemental and supporting care. 

I do feel quite vulnerable at the moment, but I also feel some sense of strength there too. 

Anyway, that's how it's been - but having the concept of 'expansion' followed by 'contraction' - it really helps me.  I know now to expect both these things, and therefore I feel I can get through both.  I really do.

Hope  :)

wow, hope, what a lot of 'release'!  well done for sticking with it, going thru it, and coming out the other side w/ that feeling of strength inside you.  that is so huge!   :thumbup:  i think you deserve a break after so much emotional dredging.

you continually strive to get closer to you, your parts, and your partner.  allowing yourself to be vulnerable w/ him is part of that, and kudos to him for accepting you as you are.  i'm so happy for you that you have him by your side.  love and hugs :hug:

As your emotions are so open right now, I want to just offer a big hug, Hope.

  :bighug:

I can't help but feel drawn in when someone is feeling their emotions so openly right now. Your partner sounds like a good person. I'm glad you and he are able to talk while you are in your vulnerable state of mind.

Here's another hug for good measure.  :hug:

I think it is great that you were able to walk alongside the terrified part and were brave enough to do that. You may well be right that you will never fully know what the frightening this is, but the more you walk alongside the terrified part when she shows up, the more both of you will realise that adult you is there, and strong enough to deal with whatever it is. So whether or not you know exactly what it is might not really matter in the long run. I have no idea if this fits in with how you feel about the situation and I apologise if I speak out of turn, but that's how I would try to approach it, I think.

I'm really glad you have a supportive partner.

 :grouphug:

 :hug:  :hug: to you Hope.

 :grouphug:

Hi SanMagic, Papa Coco, NarcKiddo, Blueberry & Armee,
 :hug:  :hug:  :hug:  :hug:  :hug:  - thank you so much.  I appreciate your support and everything you've said.   :grouphug:

**********
5th March 2024
I am feeling quite a bit better today - in terms of calmer and more regulated.  I have enjoyed the morning, and especially that the sun has been shining.  Enjoying the Spring flowers and feeling a sense of optimism, which is very nice.
Hope  :)

Hhi Hope,

Just wanted to say it sounds like the book is helping you process things and I hope that's continuing to be a good thing for you.

Sending you a hug if that's ok,
dolly  :hug:

Hi Dollyvee,
Thank you so much.  Yes, that book was amazing - I finished it about a week ago, and since then I have been re-reading some of my old journals here in the forum, and making notes from those - because it's helped me to process more what's been going on over the past few years.  I feel much better for that - it feels positive!

Also, I've just got a new book in the post - which I'm keen to read in the coming days - it's by Dr Arielle Schwartz and it's called 'Applied Polyvagal Theory in Yoga: Therapeutic Practices for Emotional Health'.  I am excited to read it, and hopefully to apply some things.

Dollyvee, I found that book very powerful - NARM is definitely a good combination of therapeutic stuff - a framework that makes sense, and I am grateful that you recommended that book.  Thank you!

Sending you a hug too,  :hug: and thank you for yours!

Hope  :)

Hi Hope,

You sound upbeat and positive! :sunny:

It's nice to read  :)  :hug:

Hi Blueberry,
Thank you so much, I was feeling upbeat when I wrote that.  Definitely!   :)   Thanks also for the hug  :hug:

***********
22nd March 2024
I found it really helpful to re-read a couple of my old journals, here in the forum, and I've not quite finished that process yet, but I hope to do so in the coming days - I'm making some notes, and I feel like it's been helpful to see the things I'd written about before, and to really re-process things, and the other thing I found helpful was re-reading things people had written to me in my journal - there are so many really helpful things that people said - so thank you all so much  :grouphug:

I think that I could stay present more with my feelings and reactions, and with what people had said, and that's thanks to being able to feel that my system is more 'regulated' - I think that doing more somatic type of stuff has been incredibly helpful to me.  That's another reason why I'm so happy to have ordered and received that book about polyvagal yoga stuff (by Dr Arielle Schwartz) - I feel ready to really enjoy that book, and see what I can get out of it.

**Trigger Warning - mentioning a documentary about CSA and discussing my feelings relating to that.**

I want to write today about a documentary I watched last night - it was called "Tell Me Who I Am" - this is a documentary about twins (Alex and Marcus Lewis) and it's described as being about 'Memory, identity and complex bonds of brotherhood in the face of a dark family secret'.  I watched it all last night, and I was really struck by so many things about it.  It really was helpful for me to watch it.  I related to a lot of things within it.  It was also helpful for my partner to watch, as he had some light-bulb realisations when he said that he understands a bit more now why I am unable to 'let it go' - i.e. why I end up obsessively 'looking into' family secret type stuff, and can't 'let it go'.    Apparently, they have also written a book - the title of their book is "Tell Me Who I Am: Sometimes It's Safer Not to Know" - I've written the title incase I decide to try to get hold of that book - but I'm not sure I need to do that, as I found the documentary was plenty enough for me.

I have no idea why I'm phrasing things like that - it sounds a strange way of saying something.  Anyway...

I wanted to write more about my reactions and thoughts about it, but I think it's quite hard to allow myself to do that - because I have parts who are reluctant.  I did have quite a strong EF this morning - because I think I was still processing things relating to that documentary - and my partner wanted to talk about some stuff relating to practical things we need to organise.  I found I then went into a strong EF reaction, and ended up crying, BUT I did try to explain how I'd been triggered and why I was reacting in that way - and we did talk it through, and it's ok! 

I am feeling so much better this afternoon, and we've been having an enjoyable day today - we've been out together and done some nice things - with a feeling as if we're on 'holiday'.  So it's been a nice day.

I have felt quite selfish to be focusing so much on re-reading my own journals, and felt like I was neglecting responding in other people's - and that is true, that's what's happened, but I also think that I've considered that I've been fixing my own 'safety net' before then venturing to support others - I had also read some other people's journals again as well - but didn't feel able to write anything further at that time. 

I think this time of year is harder for me than some other times of year - mainly because Mother's Day was in March - I am pleased that's over now, and April is getting closer. 

Hope  :)

 ;)   

Thank you so much Larry  :)

*********
23rd March 2024
So far today, I've been able to do the things I wanted to do.  I've written a couple of letters, I've baked a couple of cakes, and I've been for a walk with my partner. 

I started to read a little of Arielle Schwartz's book last night, and it made me feel calm - because I feel sure that it will have plenty of calming things that will help me continue to regulate my system.  I only read a couple of pages, but I am excited to read more of it. 

Hope  :)

Here's to finding more of the calm you need and deserve in your life, Hope. Sometimes it can feel so hopeless; I hope you continue unrolling the map towards a future filled with healing. :)

Hope,

I'm happy to hear you've gotten some energy to accomplish some things. That's great news.

Hi Woodsgnome - thank you so much.   :hug:   I love that you wrote about 'unrolling the map towards a future filled with healing' - that sounds ideal. 

Woodsgnome, while I was re-reading one of my older journals, I noted down something that you wrote in it - so I want to mention it again now, as you've popped by my journal - you wrote "While you're supposed to move on to the present, it seems a lot of issues in the present can only be understood and solved by understanding your past.  But there is also a point where understanding your past doesn't give insights as much anymore and become ways to hurt you.  So ask yourself - Is it giving more insights or is it just hurting you?"  (I found that incredibly useful and insightful, and wanted to thank you for saying that). 

Woodsgnome, there was also something else you wrote (recently I think, but I can't remember where) and you mentioned how you'd viewed your past family relationships as being like taking a journey on a bus with them, and therefore your journey now is one that you take without them there, and the journey is different - I realise I've not used the words you used there, but I really found it helpful to consider that in terms of my own journey - i.e.  yes, I had a journey with FOO in the past, but now they are definitely not on my bus anymore, and I'm driving it somewhere else, and having a new journey. 

Hi Papa Coco - thank you so much  :hug:   It was good to have some energy to accomplish some things. 

************
26th March 2024
I thought I could write more now, but it seems I can't right at this moment.  But that's ok.  I will be able to write more soon - I'll wait till the moment feels right.  Then write!
Hope  :)

I hope your onward journey continues the way you want it to go. And here's to all of our buses being filled with the right passengers.
 :grouphug:

I'm so glad you are finding more and more relief Hope.

Hi NarcKiddo, Thank you - I definitely hope all our buses are filled with the right passengers  ;D

Hi Armee, Thank you - I am glad too. 

Sending hugs to you both, NarcKiddo and Armee  :hug:  :hug:

***********
30th March 2024
I find Easter weekend more stressful.  For so many reasons.  BUT, I'm coping reasonably ok, and managing to do some nice things today - I'm trying not to resort to comfort eating to manage the emotional side of Easter weekend - I think I'm doing ok. 

So far, so good.

My partner told me I've been shouting out in my sleep more this past couple of days - apparently last night I was saying 'What are you doing?  What are you doing?' (with a distressed tone to the voice).  He had replied to me 'I'm not doing anything, I was sleeping' (until I woke him up by shouting out of course!)  He told me that it's 'better than it used to be' in that I don't jump out of bed now - I stay in bed, and seem to calm again.  So that's good.  I didn't have any memory of that happening though.  Sometimes I am aware of night terrors, and can remember them, but not last night.  I had no memory of it at all.

My dreams in recent weeks have been far more realistic.  I've been alongside people in a potentially work-like scenario.  I've also had a couple of dreams where I was in a stately home (with a heavy Gothic vibe) and there were various family members around - and I discovered that my partner wasn't keen to be left alone with any of them, which fascinated me, as I thought it was more 'me' that was the one who was traumatised by contact with FOO, not him.  But I think the dream was telling me that maybe a lot of people (traumatised or not) can find it challenging to be alone to talk to relatives etc.  I felt 'less alone' with it, realising that.

My partner did say today 'Does Easter affect you?'  I said 'Yes, but I'm handling it better than in previous years' - he responded that quite a lot of the year seems to affect me.  I tried to say that I felt I was better than I'd been in previous years - he acknowledged that I have - but I think maybe he'd like me to be 'over it' by now.  I realise this might not be what he was saying - I could be taking it negatively.  Anyway, I'm doing ok.  I'm having quite a reasonable day - and it's only half-way through the Easter long weekend - I hope it will be ok.

Hope  :)

Hi Hope. I relate to your post and the vague feeling that your partner wishes you were over it by now. Sometimes I feel the same vibes from my H but after talking I realize that well of course he does. I do too. But that he understands and it's more feeling helpless. I find it's really helpful when instead he points out things that seem to be getting better. I should tell him that. 

 :hug: hugs to you for getting thru easter.

Hi Hope,

This is just my interpretation so please ignore if it doesn't feel right. I wonder if your husband in your dream is a kind of transferance where he is a "normal" part of your life, and is seeing the FOO for who they are. That other, "normal' people would also be traumatized by them, and it's not just "you."

I remember reading a long time ago when I was first starting to pull away from my family that other people don't like change sometimes because they like you as you are, and change can be difficult for them because it means doing their own work. I was, of course, reading this in the context of an unNPD family, but perhaps it also means that there's nothing "wrong" with you for doing what you're doing. I hope you were able to have a good Easter weekend with your husband.

Sending you support  :hug: 
dolly

Well, you've got through Easter and out the other side and I hope it was at least OK throughout.

I empathize with you Hope. I find most holidays to be very difficult. 

Hi Armee, Thank you - I appreciated what you shared concerning things that you and your H say in these circumstances.   :hug:

Hi Dollyvee, Thanks for sharing your interpretation - it's a helpful one!  The interesting thing for me also was that in the dream, my H wasn't able to talk to a member of his own FOO - whereas I would have assumed that he would have wanted to - so that was also an interesting thing - maybe I assume that people's families are happier and more together than they actually are.  Sending you a hug too Dollyvee - thank you  :hug:

Hi NarcKiddo - Yes!  I got through it - and out the other side.  It was actually better than I thought it would be.   :)

Hi Little2Nothing - thank you so much for sharing your empathy.  I appreciate it.  I hope that you found the holidays to be better than you anticipated.  I found that it was better for me in the end - although negotiating my way was a bit challenging.

**********
3rd April 2024
I feel quite positive about things today. 
Hope  :)

Quote from: Hope67 on April 03, 2024, 03:33:44 PMI feel quite positive about things today. 

 :)  :hug:

Ah I think I understand a bit better now - that it wasn't a member of your FOO, but his in the gothic house. I wonder perhaps if your doing the work with your FOO might bring up issues with his FOO that he would prefer to not address, and just leave as they are? But that's my interpretation.

 Glad you have some positive feelings now :hug:

Hi NarcKiddo, Thank you so much  :hug:

Hi Dollyvee,  I think you're right in your interpretation.  Definitely!  Thanks for the hug, and I'm happy to be feeling some positive feelings more often now, than before.   :hug:

*********
7th April 2024
I have some stressful things coming up in the next couple of weeks - I'm not sure how it's going to go.  I might not be able to be in the forum much during those two weeks, but I am reluctant to say I won't be around - as I might be!  I had been wondering whether to open up and ask for advice/support with the things that I'm anticipating - but in the end, I couldn't think of exactly what I wanted to say - and therefore I've not managed to do that.  This may or may not be a good thing - maybe I'll cope better than I think I will.  I hope so.  If I can get opportunity to come here and write something that might convey some of the issues, then that's good, but if not, that's ok too.

The main thing is that I know that this forum, and everyone here is, are here and that you care.  I feel that.  That helps in itself.  It really does.

What I do hope to do, is after the anticipated difficult events are over, that I might be able to reflect in here, and mention some things about it - that I will then be able to remember and learn from. 

Anyway, I'll be around after two weeks, if not before.  Sending hugs to you all  :grouphug:

Hope  :)

Thanks for letting us know and tons of good wishes for what you're facing :hug:  :grouphug:

Wishing you strength for getting through these 2 weeks.  :grouphug:

Sometimes I write things that I know won't make sense to people reading just to get the things out of my mind and in the process helping to get them a little clearer to myself. Just saying that so you remember it's OK to just write here for yourself and ok to write things that don't make sense (yet).

 :grouphug:

with you, hope, as always.  love and hugs :hug:

Hi everyone,
Thank you so much for what you each wrote  :hug:  :hug:  :hug: I really REALLY appreciated seeing your kind words - it's helped me a LOT in the past few days.  I have felt like it's an oasis of peace here, to come back and read things - and it's helped me to feel that I can get through the things I've needed to tackle in these days. 

I'm not through it yet - another few days to go, but I am so grateful that I can come here and gain things from doing so. 

Hope to be able to write more next week - when everything might feel a bit calmer.

Hope  :)

still with you, hope.  love and hugs :hug:

Me, too. Still with you. We too.

I hope the stressful things you anticipated were/are not as stressful as you thought. Thanks for checking in. Sending you ongoing good wishes and hope things calm down for you soon.

 :grouphug:

Hope wrote: ''I feel like it''s an oasis of peace here'' 

      :yeahthat:

       :grouphug:

Hope,

I agree, and I'm glad you feel like it's an oasis of peace here.

 :hug:

Hi SanMagic,Armee,NarcKiddo,woodsgnome, and Papa Coco,

 :hug:  :hug:  :hug:  :hug:  :hug:

Thank you so much for what you each said.  I really appreciated you writing what you did.  It helped me through the time when I had some stressful stuff going on.  Thank you!

**********
24th April 2024
Last night I dreamed about my past work - it felt very emotional - but it was also noticeable that I seemed to be processing things about it - which I thought was a good thing.  I even cried in my sleep.  I'm glad though - because I want to process things, and I felt it was definitely doing that.

I hope to write more in the coming week - as I want to write a few things.
Hope  :)

 :heythere: Hi Hope,

it's nice to see you back. I'm sorry you're having difficult or sad, painful dreams but I'm happy for you that you can see the good side there, that you're processing some things.

 :grouphug:

Thanks so much Blueberry, it's good to be back.  :hug:

25th April 2024
I was surprised last night, because I had quite a bad night terror - my partner told me I screamed very loudly - I do have some memory of it, but when he asked me 'What did you see?' I replied 'I don't know' - I purely felt the terror, the feeling as if I was going to die, that kind of feeling.  I didn't know what had preceded that. 

My partner said 'You've not had one of those for years!' - I think that's surprising how his concept of time has gone, to think it's been 'years' - it's probably been 'months' or maybe 1 or 2 years - I feel sure I've had some other similar night terrors within that time, but certainly it's nothing like it used to be previously.  I am so relieved about that.

What disconcerted me about this time, was that I recognised that the past few weeks have been more stressful for me, as I knew there were some things that would cause me significant stress - but those things are over now, and so I wasn't expecting to feel stressed in my sleep, and certainly not to have a night terror.  I have no idea what the triggers for it were.  But then, maybe it's not always something I can pinpoint - that is sometimes the case.  I did wonder whether part of me had felt so concerned about the previous weeks of stress, that she was still really upset and therefore affecting my sleep in that way - being scared and full of terror.  I shall certainly try to calm all my inner parts - and keep being there for them daily - which I've managed to do for quite some time, but maybe it's needed more at the moment.

I've noticed that if I miss a session of EFT and meditation on any specific day, that it definitely impacts on my inner parts.  So being reliably there for them daily - and infact I have now got into a routine where I start each day (whilst preparing breakfast) where I do 2 sets of EFT tapping.  Then mid morning I will do EFT tapping for about 5 minutes followed by meditation for about 10 to 20 minutes.  The same in the afternoon.  The same in the evening.  So that's quite a lot of routine, but I think it helps significantly. 

I am attempting to lose some weight - I started about three days ago, and I'm counting my calories to try to achieve that.  I had ended up comfort eating a LOT in the past few weeks, to help me to handle the stressful stuff that had been going on, and therefore I gained quite a bit of weight.  I really hope to lose it again.  So far so good, some has already come off.  I am glad.

I know there are more things I would like to write about here, but I can't remember what they are just now!  I need to make a note of them.  Hopefully then I can write about them, as I think it would be helpful to do so.

Hope  :)

 Hope67,
 I know this is a really big ask: Can you describe to me in as much detail as possible what your 'night terror' episodes are like? I understand if you'd find that too upsetting, so please don't if it's too distressing.
 I'm just wondering if your night terrors are similar to mine. If so, I may have some *good* news for you regarding them.

Best,
-Slashy

Hope, I completely empathize with you. Even though I don't remember what I dreamed the bad feelings stay with me, sometimes all day. 

Hi Slashy - Thank you for that question, I had to think about it quite hard, but I've managed to try to describe my experience of my night terrors for you:

So, my night terrors are such that I wake up from sleep feeling an overwhelming sense of dread, as if I'm in imminent danger, but most often I can't understand why.  I might scream, cry, and/or sometimes in the past I've literally launched myself out of bed and across the room.  My heart often races and I breathe fast.  I think it feels like having a panic attack whilst being half-asleep.  I think I'm in a twilight zone between sleep and wakefulness.  In past instances, I have sometimes felt/experienced something fearful – i.e. sometimes it's as if there's someone in the room and they're trying to kill me/crush me/ hurt me – maybe sometimes I've noticed a knife or dagger coming towards me, or someone in the room with a gun.  Once it was a man trying to mow me down with a lawn-mower.  Once it was something really dangerous coming down from the sky to crush me.  I truly believed I was going to die.  Very scary.  As a child, they involved recurrent experiences of giant moths flying towards me, and feeling of being trapped/crushed/scared.  That went on for several year in my childhood, and thankfully as an adult, I've not had that same experience, only the things I've just written about.

I have often felt the 'sense of dread' at night – usually around 1am (if I notice the clock) and I've on those occasions been able to lean into the feeling, and try to communicate with the scared/anxious part of myself, and I've successfully been able to help that part to relax and therefore, for many nights in recent couple of years, I've felt the dread less and less and felt more comfy in bed.  However, I still get occasional experiences of night terrors – like the one last night.  I literally felt the terror and dread, and some kind of sense that maybe I was going to be crushed/killed – but essentially didn't notice more than that.  I slept fairly quickly afterwards – I wish I could have said the same for my partner – he told me he'd been awake for a while afterwards. 

Actually I talked to him further about it, and asked him why he hadn't noticed the other night terrors in this past couple of years – as he had commented 'You've not been this bad for years' – and he clarified that he meant that I hadn't screamed so loud for years – apparently it is a blood curdling scream.  (I don't even think I'd be able to scream as an adult now – so I don't know how I manage to do that at night like that).

Slashy - if you do have any *good* news to share about night terrors, I would love to hear that.  Thank you!  I am glad you have some good news - I'm presuming you've been able to help yourself with them, in some way. 

Hi Little2Nothing  Thank you so much for your empathy in this situation.  I am sorry that you have bad feelings that stay with you sometimes all day.  I hope that will change at some point in the future, so you are not affected so much in the daytime.

**********
25th April 2024
I am pleased that I managed to write about my night terrors in response to Slashy's question.  At first there were some reluctant parts of myself who didn't think I could do it, but I have!  So I'm pleased.  I welcome it as a chance to discuss it - and maybe get some help in going forwards with it.

What I think is interesting is that I've hardly ever talked to anyone (except my partner) and maybe one friend, about having night terrors.  I think it is something I maybe should have asked for help with when I was so much younger.  But somehow I felt it wasn't something I could discuss.

Actually what disturbs me a lot, is that there was an occasion when I was single, and a lot younger, when I ended up waking up and finding that I had completely shredded a nightie that I was wearing - in the light of day, if I'd been incredibly strong, and had wished to intentionally shred that nightie, I really don't think I'd have been able to do it, yet in the night, I did it - without even knowing that I'd done it.  That scares me.  That I was capable of that.

Good to have written about this.
Hope  :)

 :grouphug:

Thank you so much NarcKiddo - I must admit I am feeling a bit 'hyper' now - I think I'll have to step away from the forum for a bit, as I think I've perhaps triggered myself a bit - but it's ok.  I'll be back!  I just feel as if I've been writing things in other people's journals and I don't feel as if I'm in control of myself - so therefore might be triggered!

I appreciate your group hug - thank you  :hug:

I'm going to take it easy this evening and hopefully enjoy watching some TV that is calming.  I think I need to do that.  (I apologise if I've written anything in anyone's journal that doesn't make sense - I normally try to think more carefully - and I was writing quicker than I should have).

Hope  :)

Hope67,
Yes ma'am! Your night terrors are a lot like mine. That sense that somebody or something is coming to kill you. You're paralyzed. You can't move, can't scream, you're fighting to wake up. Eventually you manage to fight your way back to terrified wakefulness and... Nothing.

I do have some good news for you. I'm going to post it under the 'sleeping disorders' subsection because it's rather long.

Best,
-Slashy

Quote from: Hope67 on April 25, 2024, 10:11:14 AM25th April 2024
I've noticed that if I miss a session of EFT and meditation on any specific day, that it definitely impacts on my inner parts.  So being reliably there for them daily - and infact I have now got into a routine where I start each day (whilst preparing breakfast) where I do 2 sets of EFT tapping.  Then mid morning I will do EFT tapping for about 5 minutes followed by meditation for about 10 to 20 minutes.  The same in the afternoon.  The same in the evening.  So that's quite a lot of routine, but I think it helps significantly. 

I'm really impressed with this routine you've been keeping up!! :cheer:  I'm sure it does help significantly. For about a week I've been doing a 15 minute meditation immediately after getting up and taking my thyroid meds and I notice a shift already in various aspects. EFT does work too, I know that. I do it sometimes but not daily like you. And then you being reliably there for your inner parts :thumbup:  :cheer:  :hug:

Hi Slashy  Thanks again for what you wrote about your night terrors and lucid dreaming - I just read it in the other part of the forum, and I replied there.  I appreciated you taking the time to write about your experiences, it's been very helpful to me.  I feel sure it will hopefully help other people too.  Interestingly for me, I seem to be on the range of dissociative experiences where I 'can' move - as I will leave the bed (more previously than now, as my partner admits he will keep hold of me now rather than let me launch off) - I found what you wrote to be hopeful - that there is more opportunity to progress in calming the night terrors - and I think I'll be considering them with less fear than previously.  I had already noticed some definite improvements - so I feel like I'm progressing in that way.  I haven't had many recently but if I do get any - I'll hopefully be less afraid.

Hi Blueberry - Thank you so much for your encouragement - and for what you said about my 'routine' with the EFT and meditation.  I'm glad that you're also finding some positive things with your own meditation and EFT.   :cheer:  :cheer:   That's me and you, cheering each other along.  I love that!   ;D

***********
26th April 2024

I did some 'research' on the computer, and have got these notes about Night terrors and lucid dreaming (spurred on by Slashy's kind sharing of stuff related to this), and just wanted to keep those notes here in my journal - to refer back to:

"Yes, there is some evidence suggesting a relationship between night terrors and lucid dreaming. Research indicates that both sleep paralysis and lucid dreaming are dissociated experiences related to rapid eye movement (REM) sleep. A study found that the frequency of sleep paralysis and lucid dreaming were positively related, especially when sleep paralysis episodes included vestibular-motor hallucinations, which involve illusory movement and out-of-body experiences1. Dissociative experiences during wakefulness were identified as a common predictor for both sleep paralysis and lucid dreaming, suggesting that these experiences during REM sleep may reflect a continuation of dissociative experiences in waking states1.

Additionally, lucid dreaming has been explored as a potential therapeutic approach for those who experience frequent nightmares, with some success in reducing the average number of nightmares2. This suggests that while night terrors and lucid dreaming are distinct phenomena, they may share some common underlying mechanisms related to dissociation and REM sleep.

Night terrors are typically characterized by intense fear and panic during sleep, often accompanied by screaming, crying, or thrashing. While most people remain still during night terrors, it is not uncommon for some individuals to exhibit movement or even get out of bed. Here are some points to consider:

1.   Variability: Night terrors can manifest differently in different individuals. Some people may experience minimal movement, while others might exhibit more pronounced physical activity.

2.   Spectrum of Intensity: Night terrors exist on a spectrum. At one end, there are mild episodes with minimal movement, and at the other end, there are more severe cases where individuals may move around or even leave their bed.

3.   REM Sleep Paralysis: Night terrors occur during non-REM (NREM) sleep, but they can sometimes overlap with REM sleep. During REM sleep, our muscles are typically paralyzed to prevent us from acting out our dreams. However, in some cases, this paralysis may not be complete, leading to movement during night terrors.

4.   Individual Differences: Factors such as genetics, stress, sleep quality, and overall health can influence the severity and characteristics of night terrors. Some people may be more prone to movement during these episodes.

5.   Consult a Professional: If someone consistently experiences night terrors with significant movement, it's advisable to consult a healthcare professional. They can assess the individual's specific situation and provide guidance.

In summary, while movement during night terrors is less common, it is not unusual. Each person's experience can vary, and understanding the underlying factors can help manage and cope with these episodes. If someone is concerned about their night terrors, seeking professional advice is recommended. 🌙

Vestibular-motor hallucinations involve imagined sensations related to movement, out-of-body experiences, or feelings of bliss. These experiences can occur during sleep paralysis, a condition characterized by a brief loss of muscle control just after falling asleep or before waking up. Sleep paralysis often includes distressing hallucinations, and vestibular-motor hallucinations are one of the types that individuals may encounter during these episodes1. 🌙

The study on the frequency of sleep paralysis and lucid dreaming was conducted by researchers Remington Mallett, Laura Sowin, Rachel Raider, Karen R Konkoly, and Ken A Paller. It was published in the journal SLEEP Advances, Volume 3, Issue 1, in 20221. The study sought to quantify the positive and negative aspects of seeking lucid dreams, describe their phenomenology, and identify features associated with positive or negative experiences1.

The main findings of the study on the frequency of sleep paralysis and lucid dreaming were that there is a positive and significant correlation between the two phenomena. The research concluded that there is indeed a connection between lucid dreaming and sleep paralysis, suggesting that individuals who experience one are more likely to experience the other1.

Research has shown that trauma can significantly impact dream patterns. Here are some key points related to trauma and its effects on dreams:

1.   Trauma-Related Dreams: After experiencing trauma, it's common to have nightmares and anxiety dreams. These disturbed dreams often incorporate similar feelings and sensations to those experienced during the trauma. Trauma-related dreams may involve re-experiencing traumatic events or memories and can be distressing, intense, and vivid.
2.   Why Does Trauma Affect Dreams? While there isn't broad consensus on why trauma affects dreams, several hypotheses exist:
o   Memory Consolidation: Dreams may help integrate traumatic experiences into long-term memory. They simulate threatening events and allow us to try out different responses.
o   Revisiting Trauma: Dreams might allow people to revisit and attempt to work through old trauma.
o   Transforming Shame: Nightmares may transform shame associated with trauma into fear.
3.   Nightmares and PTSD: Nightmares are common after trauma, especially in post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). They may be an intense expression of the body working through traumatic experiences. Fortunately, for most people, trauma-related nightmares subside after a few weeks or months.
4.   Lucid Dreaming: Lucid dreaming (LD) is a learnable strategy to cope with nightmares. In LDs, the dreamer is aware of the dreaming state and can control dream content. Recent research suggests that LD therapy (LDT) could be an alternate or complementary treatment option for nightmares in PTSD, specifically for symptoms of anxiety and depression.
In summary, trauma can significantly influence dream experiences, and lucid dreaming may offer a way to cope with trauma-related nightmares. 🌙"

Note to self: Maybe explore how people use Lucid Dreaming to help with the night terrors, and try it out.  But be cautious! 

I'm finding the first week of my new diet (calorie counting) is going well so far.  Just being aware of the calories in each meal etc has really opened my eyes to what I've been eating and what my body needs.  I hope that I will be losing some weight - and get the extra weight off sooner rather than later.  I feel good about that. 

Hope  :)

hope, that's a lot of info on our sleeping state and what our minds might be doing during it.  thanks. it makes sense.  i'm glad your partner has noted you've not been having so many so intensely of late.  sorry you have to go thru this at all.  i hope it continues to get better as your mind continues to make progress thru it all.  i think your routine might be helping as well. keep up the good work!  love and hugs :hug:

Hi Hope. Thanks for sharing all that.  :hug:

This topic on dreaming is very interesting. For years I had the same dream, with slight variations, multiple times a week. The worst of it was feeling incapable of moving. It was frightening and I would always wake my wife up screaming. I don't know how she put up with it. Thankfully that began to become less in the past 7 or 8 years. I never quit understood what was going on, this topic has been very helpful in gaining some insight. So thanks, Hope for sharing.

Hope67,
 I'm glad you took the time to research the subject and confirmed the causal link I have experienced and noted myself.
 Night terrors are truly awful, but lucid dreams are equally wonderful.
 The trick is to trust that you are truly safe, not fight to wake up, and allow the lucid dream to happen. It's *totally* worth it and you will build that trust over time.
 I sincerely hope this helps you, and all others here who suffer from night terrors.

Best,
-Slashy

Hi Hope,

Moths are interesting to me. I remember reading about them years ago in the book that's mentioned here in this link. You can take it with a grain of salt, but I do believe this man had an experience that was quite like any other and made a website to find other people because it was so outside of his experience. Maybe it's another aspect (spiritual) to your night terrors, which to me, can also be quite scary in itself to consider these things.

https://cosmicmoth.com/

After my dad died, I would frequently go back to our house in dreams. However, over the years the house would change and eventually, I stopped going. I do think we try to make sense of things, all that subconscious stuff, in our dreams, and once we "get it," we move on or it changes.

Sending you support,
dolly

 :grouphug: I hope to write something to each of you, but right now, I'm just thanking you for what you wrote.   :hug:

 :hug:

Thank you Dollyvee  :hug:

*******
16th May 2024
I watched a film a couple of days ago, which I found very good to watch, as a younger part of me really focused on the experiences and issues raised within that film. 

Trigger Warning (TW) it is about CSA

The film is called 'The Girl Who Escaped: The Kara Robinson Story' - it is based on a real life story, and the girl was just 15 years old.  I just found the portrayal of the girl, and what happened, and how she reacted and the issues that were portrayed, it really helped a younger part of myself.  There was a point in the film when someone said "Just give her some time, she's processing a lot" and that also helped me.  I thought to myself that with regard to all my own issues from back then, that nobody ever took any  time whatsoever to consider my feelings, and how I was, and I never had time to process things.  Infact it's only really now, in my 6th decade of life (mid to late 50's) that I'm actually beginning to take time to process things - and I have only just really got my nervous system to focus on a less hypervigilant stressed state, so that I can begin to process things and see things.

I still find it very clunky to try to talk about any of this, and I've not done much of that verbally - I can write, but it feels clunky when I try to do that.  Sometimes I think that I might try some therapy to force myself to say things 'out loud' - as I feel that would be helpful, but I also don't feel I want to do that, as I fear how that whole thing would be.  I struggle currently to even see a medical kind of appointment, let alone face attending a therapy session.  I do know I could do it, and I could approach someone that I saw before, but somehow I don't want to.

I didn't realise that I'd end up writing this - it wasn't at all what I intended to write when I came here - but my rule of not editing myself, I'll leave it there.

Hope  :)

I once commented to my T that I thought it was a shame it took me so long to see that there was a problem with my FOO and their treatment of me. Not just a shame; I was kind of berating myself a little for being so blind and stupid for so long.

She stopped me berating myself. And I am glad you are not berating yourself, Hope, but recognising that you have never, until now, been in a position to start processing things. That's similar to what my T said to me, and she also said that she believes we do not start processing things until we are ready. Sometimes we have to live under false impressions and blunder along as we always have because our psyche is simply not ready to contemplate anything else. We've created our protective mechanisms for a reason.

I started doing therapy via writing because it felt easier. It gave me time to marshal my thoughts into something coherent rather than trying to respond on the fly. It felt more comfortable to do that. And it helped me to start processing some of the main issues so I do not at all regret starting in writing. I don't think I would ever have moved on to verbal without doing stuff in writing first.

When I started face to face therapy (via Zoom with the same T I had been doing some written therapy with) I was surprised by how much easier, and at the same how much harder, it was than I expected. Easier because my T is very gentle and understanding and will not push me anywhere I am reluctant to go. She will pick up on things I am finding hard, and will revisit them from another direction, but never in a way that is too tough. Harder, because I thought that I had already done the "betrayal" of my FOO in writing. And yet saying it out loud was different. It felt like a "betrayal" all over again, but it also brought it home to me much more. It made their abuse real in a way that me just writing about it did not. Voicing something is surprisingly powerful - even if you have no listener. So maybe, if you think it would be helpful to say things out loud, you could consider just saying them in the privacy of your own home. You could see how you feel after voicing something and then maybe have a better idea of whether voicing it again to somebody would be something that might help you. I have sometimes just read my writing or posts out loud.

Discard if not helpful, but wanted to share the thought with you.

I'm glad you allowed yourself to write this Hope. It's really important.

I think there's inner wisdom and when it's time to reach out to a therapist you will. You've done a ton of really important work regulating your nervous system and that will really help make great use of your time when you do see a therapist.

And when you do...you don't need to go into the difficult stuff right away or quickly.

Your writings are always honest, wise, and from the heart. Thank you.  :hug: 

The painful stuff, as you note, is impossible to fully express. Especially as most of the hurt was senseless to start with. Describing it for others? Well, on here at least there's no dire necessity for any more than what you feel comfortable about. That much of it could ever come close to feeling ok about is nigh impossible. We all know that hopeless feeling, and how scared and vulnerable it is to violate our peace by struggling to find a way that feels safe.

It takes courage just to be here, let alone find words that can fully numb the pain.

There's never any absolute need, either here or in therapeutic settings, to share any more than feels okay at any given moment. It's precisely that courage that shows in the ways you do choose to express yourself so honestly, reflecting that deep heart of yours.

Continue to take care of your heart, Hope. May it be your guide in this process; we're all walking with you as well.

Quote from: Hope67 on May 16, 2024, 06:19:48 PM16th May 2024
I didn't realise that I'd end up writing this - it wasn't at all what I intended to write when I came here - but my rule of not editing myself, I'll leave it there.

Good rule you've got there, Hope! I think what comes out in this form was meant to come out. I remember back to when it was so hard for you to express on the forum. So, I see again and again how far you've come all through self-work - you read what you need, you do or did online conferences, you think, you write, you feel into things, you support others on here, you integrate into your daily life, do things with your partner, partake in 'normal' life, day-to-day things but also do a lot of self-care :thumbup:  :thumbup:  You do and achieve a lot, Hope :cheer:

Quote from: Hope67 on May 16, 2024, 06:19:48 PM16th May 2024
I still find it very clunky to try to talk about any of this, and I've not done much of that verbally - I can write, but it feels clunky when I try to do that.  Sometimes I think that I might try some therapy to force myself to say things 'out loud' - as I feel that would be helpful, but I also don't feel I want to do that, as I fear how that whole thing would be.  I struggle currently to even see a medical kind of appointment, let alone face attending a therapy session.  I do know I could do it, and I could approach someone that I saw before, but somehow I don't want to.

A lot of wisdom and courage in this whole paragraph, Hope, and your own inner response and wishes very clear.  :hug:  :hug:

I second Armee and woodsgnome, and lots from NK! And thanks Hope for writing because it's given me something to think about and NK's response to you contains some very helpful stuff for me atm.

Dear NarcKiddo, Armee, Woodsgnome and Blueberry,
Thank you all for what you wrote.  I am going to re-read what you each wrote in the coming days, as I want to really take it in, and process it - because it means a LOT to me that you wrote those things.  Thank you  :grouphug:

********
18th May 2024
I am feeling so grateful for everyone's support and care here, I can 'feel it' - which is a strong feeling, quite an emotional feeling.  It's a precious feeling too.  I am thankful for being able to feel it. 

Hope  :)

HOpe,

The clunkiness in knowing what to write is perfectly okay. I can really feel the complexity of your emotions in your writing. It isn't clunky to me, it's heartfelt. You're feeling a connection to a movie, and now you're reaching out to your friends for support. Nothing clunky about that. I do it from time to time too. There have been a few movies that have done this for me as well. The line you describe proves that someone supported a woman in ways that you wish someone had once supported you. I have felt that same emotion in movies too.

I agree with the others, write what you feel like writing. No more, no less. Let it be clunky if that's how it comes out. We're not English teachers, we don't grade the posts.  :) We all seem to know that each of us sometimes just needs to reach out and feel that there are supportive souls surrounding us.

We're surrounding you now. What you're feeling is unique to yourself, but we support you because we've felt similar things, and we will likely feel them again.

We all want to give and receive the support we once missed out on.

:hug:

you know, hope, it really hasn't been that long since you've begun to write your thoughts/feelings/emotions in an unedited fashion, so, to me, it seems the clunkiness is warranted.  we're all clunky to some degree when doing something we haven't had a lot of practice with.  the fact that you're writing your truth here deserves much recognition for its strength and courage behind it. i agree, it shows how far you've come thru your hard work.

as far as getting into therapy, that's something that will come or not - i like armee's mention of inner wisdom. if/when it feels important to do so will be your time. 

so glad you're here, hope. i see your growth.  love and hugs :hug:

Hi Hope,

I too remember how you struggled to say things and would erase them or tear them up, and am honoured to be a part of your journey and progress. I think therapy has been a great benefit to me to feel less contracted in myself let's say. However, it's not easy and my life, and more importantly, the idea of safety in my life has undergone changes. Do I feel more safe and capable now? Definitely, but I've also had to let some connections and ideas go, but I'm glad I did it.

Sending you support on your continued journey and progress,
dolly  :hug:

Quote from: Hope67 on May 16, 2024, 06:19:48 PMthought to myself that with regard to all my own issues from back then, that nobody ever took any  time whatsoever to consider my feelings, and how I was, and I never had time to process things.  Infact it's only really now, in my 6th decade of life (mid to late 50's) that I'm actually beginning to take time to process things

I had the very same experience.  I'm also close to your age. 

Quote from: Hope67 on May 16, 2024, 06:19:48 PMI have only just really got my nervous system to focus on a less hypervigilant stressed state, so that I can begin to process things and see things.

This is a huge step!  You deserve a pat on the back for this.   :cheer:

Dear PapaCoco, SanMagic, Dollyvee and Natureluvr,
Thank you all for what you said.  I really want to respond individually, but I've been feeling a bit stuck with my ability to express myself in the past couple of days - and I can't generate sufficient energy to manage to do that!  But I really appreciate what you each said so much.  Thank you. 

*********
28th May 2024
I do feel lacking in energy this past couple of days, and like I can't manage to get very much done, and can't express myself.  However, I would like to write some things here, and especially about some things I've recently read - and therefore I hope I can enable myself to do that in the coming days.

Hope  :)

 I hope you can too
 :grouphug: 

 :yeahthat:

I am sorry you are feeling lacking in energy, but I think it is good that you have noticed it. Sometimes it is a sign from our bodies that we maybe need to take a little extra time to nurture ourselves. So I hope you have an opportunity to do that and then build up the strength to do the things you want to do.

 :grouphug:

Hi Armee and NarcKiddo,
Thank you  :hug:  :hug:

I have been able to do more things today - so I think the energy is coming back.  I am happy about that.
Hope  :)

 :hug:  :hug: to you Hope :)

Thank you so much Blueberry -  :hug:  :hug:

30th May 2024
I had written some notes on a piece of paper - things I wanted to mention here, about things I'd read.  But for some reason I think that a part of me has hidden that piece of paper, and I just want to express my frustration that I can't find it!  I can't even remember the title of the book or the author that I wanted to mention, and now the book is no longer in the house, as I've taken it back to the library. 

Never mind.  Maybe I'll find it again at some point.

I was dreaming last night and also this past week - attending parties and I am surprised by that, as I don't tend to lead that lifestyle in my current time of life.  I tend to avoid social situations!  I'm wondering if maybe repressed things are coming up at night, and therefore my dreams reflect that at the moment.  I don't mind - it's been interesting to experience those contrasting things.  But I am surprised by it.

Hope  :)

Sorry you can't find your piece of paper right now and that you are frustrated about that.

Interesting that you are going out to parties at night (in your dreams). It does not sound as if the parties are unpleasant even if you would not choose that activity when awake.

I seem to do likewise -- set expectations and goals and look forward to a 'someday' when it all becomes clear again  :Idunno: . And then -- it all goes missing  :disappear: .

Frustrating, 'cause I was so sure I knew that I could bring back those items, whether they be physical objects like notes, or a certain book; or the old infamous 'mental note' when that certainty wil magically reappear.

I'm surprised and perplexed when that happens. Sometimes the surprise (I've also been having dreams a bit 'far out' lately) doesn't make much sense or bear much meaning.

Well, maybe that surprise is its own message; that in its puzzling nature it might be pointing out a new direction -- like I'm more capable of stretching my expectations.

I say this mostly because I've seemed to have encountered some surprising twists in recent years, especially in learning who I really am, beyond the stuff that happened to me (albeit certain nigtmarish dreams still float in).

Maybe a new and even odd-seeming dream works to point out that I'm more flexible than I thout. Maybe it comes in a weird dream as if it's just a pointer towards the possibility of considering a broader horizon. Maybe its just a way to keep asking questions. And maybe all the maybes are not meant to bear any messae at all; but in their surprise, it builds an awareness of a life beyond my usual, predictable fear-based anxiety.

But Im ramblind, and feel like I'm trespassing in your journal speculations. If so, I apologize. Still, I hope it's still okay to share some thoughts that floated into my being as I read your post.

Hi NarcKiddo,  Yes, I think you're right about the dreams - they are ok experiences.  I was just surprised by the content.  I am glad to be having some of those dreams.  Much better than night terrors.  Definitely!

Hi Woodsgnome, I very much appreciate what you shared regarding your thoughts - thank you so much for sharing your thoughts, and I infact welcome them!  I like the idea of the possibility of considering a broader horizon.  Maybe the dreams are a pointer in that kind of direction.  Or that the sense of surprise - that it is building an awareness - that makes sense. 

 :hug:  :hug:  to you both, NarcKiddo and Woodsgnome. 

***********
31st May 2024
I have been considering the fact that I've mislaid the notes I made, and then I look at my environment just now and realise it's a bit disorganised - so I am planning to try to tidy up and sort through things, and then maybe I'll find some things.  If I do, that's great, but if not, the outcome will be a tidier environment. 

I'll therefore focus on that this afternoon - try to spend a minimum of half an hour up to an hour.  Then do something entirely different - and hopefully relaxing to reward myself for the sorting process.

Hope  :)

Wow, I was tidying up, and I found the note - so, before I lose it again, I thought I'd make a note here:
Recently I read a Memoir written by Maude Julien and Ursula Gauthier called 'A Memoir by Maude Julien' (2018) - Maude Julien is a psychotherapist who specialises in child trauma, manipulation and mind control and she lives in Paris.  The publisher was Oneworld Publications - I borrowed it from the library.  I found it very good for allowing my younger parts to experience someone's life that was controlled and manipulated - and how she coped with that and how she got through it.  It really helped younger parts of me to read that Memoir.  I related to a lot of the things she wrote about, and the way she thought about things.  So it was a helpful book for me to read.

I'm going to get back to my tidying process now - as I am making good progress and I can tear up that piece of paper now. 

Really glad to find that note and write about it.

Congrats on finding the notes and unraveling it via tidying up.

I have a little thought on top (or under) of what I wrote earlier. It involves our old favourite -- The Secret Garden.

I'm not sure if it was in both versions, but something from the 1975 BBC series I really liked inspired my thoughts about discovering unknown and/or new possibilities.

There was a scene where Mary and Dickon were sharing dreams of what to include in the new/old garden. Mary exclaims [I'm paraphrasing here]: ''...but let's not make it a PERFECT garden, Dickon. Let's leave some of it a bit wild -- maybe we'll be surprised by those parts coming up on their own, from underground.''

I just thought how well that scene speaks to cultivating that sort of outlook while planting any of our own secret gardens. And how, who knows, we might be surprised, and delighted, at our new discoveries.

Take care  :hug:

Hi Woodgsnome,
I really love the fact  you mentioned our old favourite 'The Secret Garden' - the suggestion of Mary to leave part of the garden as a bit wild, it is so appropriate, and I use imagery to conjure up that garden regularly when I'm meditating, and imagine all of us enjoying being in that garden and exploring it - having different areas to seek solitude, but also times and experiences when we interact with each other and talk about gardening, or enjoying the garden or just playing (as often I imagine us all at younger ages - allowing our child parts to enjoy the freedom of being in a place where we are allowed and encouraged to be free to express ourselves.

Anyway, I very much appreciate you sharing what you said.  I very much hope we will be surprised and delighted by new discoveries - that sounds really great.   :hug:

*********
3rd June 2024
Feeling optimistic today.  I like that feeling.  I hope it stays with me. 
Hope  :)

Hi Hope,

I hope that feeling of optimism stays with you too  :cheer:

I like the idea of a place/garden where our younger parts can come out to express themselves. I hope you find one for yours.

Sending you hug if that's ok  :hug:

dolly

I'm glad you're feeing optimistic.

I think I should re-read The Secret Garden. I remember reading it as a child and enjoying it very much but everything about it is hazy now.

That's a lovely meditation Hope! Wow. "The Secret Garden" has had a good effect on a number of us on the forum and/or continues to do so. It's so lovely that you can use us as support people in your meditation. I mean you don't have to come onto the forum to connect with us, you have us in your imaginative/meditation garden whenever you want.  :)  :hug:

Hi Dollyvee - the optimism did stay with me for some of yesterday - however I watched a documentary on TV (that I had recorded) which then caused me a lot of reactions - BUT, I feel better today - having had some sleep.  So I feel ok about how yesterday was.  Thanks so much for the hug  :hug:

Hi NarcKiddo - I re-read 'The Secret Garden' again a couple of times as an adult, and each time got more out of it.  It felt such a powerful book to me growing up, but also in my adult life too.  I hope you enjoy it, if you do decide to re-read it.  The fact you enjoyed it as a child, I reckon you'd enjoy being reunited with the themes within it, as an adult.  I think so.   :hug:

Hi Blueberry - Yes, I really value being able to meditate in that way, it's been so helpful to my sense of feeling a part of this community - I can have the imaginative/meditation garden whenever I want to.  It is really great to be able to do that.   :hug:

***********
4th June 2024
I watched a documentary yesterday (which I'd recorded on TV)

Trigger warning: Mentioning Sexual Abuse.
The documentary was by Mark O'Sullivan (who is a British comedian/?actor) and he took his own experience of sexual abuse and made a documentary where he created a sitcom about it, with the help of some of his fellow comedians/actors.  I watched it yesterday, and experienced so many physical reactions afterwards - migraine kind of pain in my head, and stomach ache.  I also felt very hopeless for a period of time, and also felt overly scared.  BUT, having slept well last night - I feel better today. 

I am grateful to Mark O'Sullivan for broaching such a subject and his bravery in expressing his thoughts and feelings in that way - it was an unusual medium to use - but a powerful one to portray what happened to him, and his experiences and feelings about it. 

I think the fact he portrayed his abuser in a literal way (dressed up in a bear outfit) was more challenging and triggering for me - as I have my own issues with animals wearing clothes, not sure why I have those issues, but they are very powerful triggering things. 

I am able to write this now in a more detached way - I'm not feeling any emotions as I write this - but I'm glad to write about it again - as I wrote about it yesterday too, and was feeling more out of control of my emotions and feelings - like many parts of me were freaking out about it.

Anyway, I am glad to be able to write something about it today.  I am also feeling calmer in myself.  I am glad about that.

Hope  :)

Quote from: Hope67 on June 04, 2024, 09:10:04 AMI am grateful to Mark O'Sullivan for broaching such a subject and his bravery in expressing his thoughts and feelings in that way - it was an unusual medium to use - but a powerful one to portray what happened to him, and his experiences and feelings about it. 

It makes me hopeful and optimistic to see someone using their talent and creativity to bring awareness of these things to people.  It sounds like you had an EF from watching this, but that it resolved fairly quickly and easily.  It's amazing what a good night's sleep can do. 

Hi Natureluvr,
Yes, I think you're right - I had an EF from watching this.  But it did resolve fairly quickly and easily, and I am grateful for that, and glad that I watched it.

**********
5th June 2024
I won't be around for a couple of weeks - as I'm going to be on holiday!

Hope  :)

Enjoy your holiday  :sunny:  :sunny: and see you when you get back!

hi, hope,

have a lovely vacation.  i hope everything goes smoothly and you get some peace and rest mentally and emotionally, if not physically as well.  see you when you return.  love and hugs :hug:

Thank you so much Blueberry & SanMagic  :hug:  :hug:

*********
Wow, I came here just now, and now I can't think of what I want to say.  Never mind, I'll come back when I am able to express something!
Hope  :)

Welcome back. I hope you enjoyed the holiday.

Welcome back to this place, where we can't always seem to find words. And that's okay, sometimes even necessary. 

Sometimes it seems like we have lots we feel we'd like to say, but not the words with which to express it more fully. So much of this 'stuff' runs deep; it's almost as if it gets stuck in the attempt to bring it forward.

We get it -- sometimes it stifles, and other times it's just where we need to be, as we adjust and reflect on what to say and how to bring it out as we'd like.

And/or maybe it's just not time.

At any rate, welcome back ... :grouphug:   

Hi NarcKiddo, Thanks - I did enjoy the holiday  :)

Hi Woodsgnome, Thanks, I appreciate what you said here about not always being able to find the right words.  And that it's okay and sometimes even necessary. I related to that so much.  I think you encapsulated it really well - it really does seem to get 'stuck' and I think that goes for expressing things, as well as creating things.  Anyway, thank you for saying what you said - it was really helpful to me and made me feel less awkward for not being able to express myself at the time.   

 :grouphug: to you both NarcKiddo and Woodsgnome. 

**********
24th June 2024
I love these dates that have the same at the start and the end 24th day of June in the year 2024. 

I am glad I went on holiday - even though it caused me some anxiety before, and sometimes during, and even afterwards - but I essentially enjoyed it, and was glad that I went on holiday.

I think I've been achieving more things since I've been back, and have been making notes of those things in my paper diary - in terms of noting the things, and giving myself some gratitude for achieving them.  I definitely think that my nervous system is calmer generally - and this means I can stay more grounded and able to think clearer.  But I realise the triggers and the effects of them, and how it can freeze my brain, and therefore I often write things down if I'm attempting to do a task involving phoning - so I have information to hand, incase someone asks me a question.

Regarding my reading - I'm currently reading 'A Therapeutic Journey: Lessons from the School of Life' by Alain de Botton, and also a book called 'Joyful' by Ingrid Fetell Lee.  I dip into both of them, from time to time, and have found them to be calming and enjoyable.  They have some wise words within them. 

I particularly like how Alain de Botton's book talks about 'living in the present' and I wrote a couple of notes from it, which I'll include here (to remind me of them):

p.168
"Tonight, we might - once more - choose to stay in, do some reading, finish patching a hole in a cardigan, try a new place for the armchair and be intensely grateful that we have overcome the wish to live too much in the minds of strangers."

p86
"It looks childlike but it is in fact the essence of adulthood to recognise and make space for our regressive tendencies."

p.96 "Take some time off from self-analysis."

p.98
"We need to be selfish about the state of our spirits and ruthless in removing ourselves from situations that sap us.  We should go to bed early, eat lightly, bathe often, go for a walk every day, have something pleasant to distract us and, most of all, be kind to ourselves." (he added 'because of the mess we are in' (but I chose to leave that out - although mentioned it as he did say it).

I particularly like this:
p.98
"We will gradually grow well again as we learn to lead the peaceful, warm-hearted, kindly and well-regulated lives that our minds have craved for so long".

p.101
"What do I actually want to do?
Whose opinion do I really care about?"

p.151
"Once we have learned to draw value from inexpensive things, we can never be poor."

The 'Joyful' book looks at "The Surprising Power of Ordinary Things to Create Extraordinary Happiness' and Ingrid Fetell Lee has written a book that is enjoyable to read (in my opinion).  I haven't written any notes from it, I've just been enjoying reading it.

Glad to have written some things here today.
Hope  :)

Quote from: Hope67 on June 24, 2024, 02:10:51 PM24th June 2024
I love these dates that have the same at the start and the end 24th day of June in the year 2024.

Glad to hear I'm not the only one that marvels at these occasions. Just a fun happy little sequence of numbers. :)

Quote from: Hope67 on June 24, 2024, 02:10:51 PMI am glad I went on holiday - even though it caused me some anxiety before, and sometimes during, and even afterwards - but I essentially enjoyed it, and was glad that I went on holiday.

Am happy you enjoyed yourself! I understand how anxiety-inducing these things can be, to do something out of the usual. But... sometimes we do need to do something out of the usual, to step away from the daily stresses for a bit (and instead find new alternative stresses lol).

I love the quotes you provided, thanks for sharing them.

Quote from: Hope67 on June 24, 2024, 02:10:51 PMbathe often

Love this although my water bill says otherwise.  ;D

Regards,
Aphotic

Hi Aphotic,  Thanks for what you said - and yes, bathing often does impact on water bills - I don't do it as often as I'd like!

*******
28th June 2024
I am looking forward to the weekend.  To opportunities to do more reading, to go out walking, to maybe do some cooking/baking. 
Hope  :)

Quote from: Hope67 on June 24, 2024, 02:10:51 PM24th June 2024
I love these dates that have the same at the start and the end 24th day of June in the year 2024. 

I am glad I went on holiday - even though it caused me some anxiety before, and sometimes during, and even afterwards - but I essentially enjoyed it, and was glad that I went on holiday.

I love those kinds of dates too Hope :)

I'm glad you went on holiday too and that you essentially enjoyed it despite some anxiety.  :)  I presume it did you good too since you've been achieving more since you got back.

Thank you for the quotes from the books you've been reading.

Hi Hope,

I hope you were able to enjoy your weekend and all the things you wanted to do.

Sending you support and a hug if that's ok  :hug:

dolly

Hi Blueberry,
Thank you for what you said  :hug: I agree that the holiday did do me some good.  I have definitely achieved more since I got back.  That is something to celebrate  :cheer:

Hi Dollyvee,
Yes, I enjoyed that weekend - and I appreciate very much your hug  :hug: thank you. 

**********
9th July 2024
I read the book 'Letting Go' by David R. Hawkins, and I am grateful to Papa Coco for talking about that book in his journal, as I wouldn't have known to try to read it otherwise.  I found it quite an interesting thing, because I felt like the over-riding suggestion to allow the emotions to be released without any suppression, and without further internal discourse, that felt (wow, I can't feel like I'm writing that correctly, as I don't think that's what David Hawkins said) - anyway, I'm not editing myself - it was similar to allowing the feeling in the way that I've found that Janina Fisher has talked about - so I felt like it was useful in being a similar thing. (feel bad for how I've worded that).

Anyway, I then had bought another book - which was due to the re-visiting of a previous thread about Shame, and so now I've got the book 'Healing the Shame that Binds You' by John Bradshaw.  I honestly feel like he's written that book about me, and about my FOO, as I relate SO much to what he wrote there - I'm up to p.184 now, so I'm already more than half-way through his book - but I won't do any exercises till I read the entire book, and then go back to them.  I tend to do that when I'm reading stuff, as I think I need to ensure that all parts of me are ok with what is written and then I can tackle things - or avoid them, depending on what ends up happening.  But I really do think that it will be helpful, and I already feel it has helped. 

At the same time, I am reading a book that I saw in the library - it is called 'Sociopath: A Memoir' and it's by Patric Gagne, who is "a writer, therapist, and advocate for people suffering from sociopathic, psychopathic, and antisocial personality disorders'.  I couldn't resist taking the book to read - mainly because I wanted to read a memoir and learn more. 

I can conclude that I am not a sociopath (not that I had truely thought that I might be) but I think that part of me can never be too sure about what different parts of me may or may not be.  But I am relating to some things she's written in her memoir, and that is really helpful to me.  I am on p.115 so far in that book, so not yet half-way.  I think that the relationship that Patric has with her Mum seems way better than my relationship with my M, and yet Patric did express some anger at her M at one point in the book, and I really felt admiration for her being able to stand up to her M and say things she wanted to say.  I would never dare to do that to my M.  She was too scary.

Just had a thought that whilst I read the "Letting Go" book - there was about a day when I felt quite 'high' and 'free' as if I'd really managed to get somewhere in letting out some suppressed feelings.  But that feeling didn't last beyond that time.  But it was interesting that I felt it.

I think I need to do more jotting down of thoughts - so that I can bring those realisations that come up from time to time, and ensure I capture them in my journal, as I think it could easily be missed - or I might not feel able to put links together. 

I have talked to my partner about the 'Sociopath' book - in terms of saying that essentially I didn't think that Patric seemed like a sociopath at first - that she didn't really do much that seemed that bad.  That I felt things were similar to some of my experiences - but we discussed the fact that some of the things I said to him, that I had felt a lot of guilt and feelings about those things, and he said that a sociopath would be unable or unlikely to feel that. 

(Trigger warning, mentioning a strange dream - a bit disturbing)
I have been having very realistic dreams in the past days - in one I was literally pulling something out of my right ear, and feeling that it had to be pulled out (like some kind of elastic stuff) and that it felt 'good' to be pulled out - but then in the dream, I heard someone saying 'Oh no, she is pulling her brains out - that's no good!'  and then I felt stupid for not having realised what I was doing, and potentially causing myself some kind of brain damage - but at the same time, thinking that it had felt like the 'right' thing to be doing.  Bizarre dream really.

(end of trigger warning).

I feel like it's the 'right' time for me to be reading the "Healing the Shame that Binds You' book - because it makes a lot of sense to me, and I relate to it now.  I'm not sure if I'd have felt that way until now.  I don't know.  But it feels ok to be reading it now.  I really think it will help me.  I notice that the edition I've bought is called an 'expanded and updated edition' and John Bradshaw talked about some changes he's made within it, and I just feel lucky to be reading this edition - I had asked my library previously why they didn't have that book - they never replied to me about that - and I didn't chase it up.  Then when the Shame thread was brought back into my attention, I decided to order the book - it feels like serendipity that that happened, and that instead of maybe reading an old edition of a book in the library (if it had been there) I have actually got a copy that is very up to date and helpful.

Whilst I'm writing this, I'm aware that there are things I could have written about today that would have been quite difficult, as this week there is one of those dates that is difficult - due to connections with FOO - but I don't feel able to write about those things - except that I have been extra kind to myself and not putting myself under undue pressures - so that I can allow myself time to just be with those feelings and thoughts related to that thing. 

Glad to have written what I have written today.
Hope  :)

Hope, I appreciate all the things you share about reading you do.  I have a really hard time reading non-fiction books so am glad to learn from others.  I also appreciate that you gain so much through reading. 

Quote from: Hope67 on July 09, 2024, 06:10:12 PMAnyway, I then had bought another book - which was due to the re-visiting of a previous thread about Shame, and so now I've got the book 'Healing the Shame that Binds You' by John Bradshaw.  I honestly feel like he's written that book about me, and about my FOO, as I relate SO much to what he wrote there - I'm up to p.184 now, so I'm already more than half-way through his book - but I won't do any exercises till I read the entire book, and then go back to them.  I tend to do that when I'm reading stuff, as I think I need to ensure that all parts of me are ok with what is written and then I can tackle things - or avoid them, depending on what ends up happening.  But I really do think that it will be helpful, and I already feel it has helped.

It's really cool that you're reading so much! I wish I had the time and concentration for that! I like your method of handling the book though, scoping it out first before you partake in the exercises. Glad it's been helping you thus far!

Quote from: Hope67 on July 09, 2024, 06:10:12 PMand yet Patric did express some anger at her M at one point in the book, and I really felt admiration for her being able to stand up to her M and say things she wanted to say.  I would never dare to do that to my M.  She was too scary.

I feel you on that one, too scary indeed.

Quote from: Hope67 on July 09, 2024, 06:10:12 PM(Trigger warning, mentioning a strange dream - a bit disturbing)
...

Ah, gives a whole new meaning to getting the thoughts out of one's head.  :)

Regards,
Aphotic.

Hi Hope,

Glad the reading of Healing the Shame That Binds You is going well and that it spoke to you about your FOO.

I hope you're able to do the exercises when you get a chance.

Sending you support,
dolly

Hi Rainydiary - Thank you so much.   :hug:

Hi Aphotic - I appreciated what you said - thank you - it made me smile when you mentioned getting the thoughts out of one's head - definitely a more graphic and literal way, in my dream!   :)

Hi Dollyvee - Yes, I hope so too.  I do recognise that I can sometimes avoid doing exercises, but I do hope to attempt some at some point.  Thanks for the support, I appreciate it.

**********
14th July 2024
I had an incredibly realistic dream last night, and it had a lot of emotional stuff within it.  I felt it was a real changing point - mainly because it involved me approaching a medical examination where I opened up about some physical complaints (relating to my pelvis area) and also opened up about some of the things that had meant I didn't feel able to continue working.  But the very thing of sharing the information with the doctor - and also that there was a staff member there who I also knew in real life (i.e. someone who could have been in that kind of role, but wasn't ever specifically in that role) but was a supportive person from my life - it was a big thing that she was there. 

Anyway, in the dream, I kind of felt some emotion in terms of the reactions I perceived from the people I was telling things to - and wondering if they believed me, and what they thought about it.  Then somehow it was as if I feared that they were going to make me go on a roller-coaster (I avoid roller-coasters through fear), and they wouldn't respond to me, and then I felt incredible anxiety (in the dream) as I realised that we were actually in some kind of building where the offices we were in were moving like a massive big wheel, and infact the office I was in was being transported as if it was on a roller-coaster, and that we would later be plunging down, and I felt acute fear.

Potential Trigger warning - might mention something re: CSA

It was like they had tricked me - like I almost thought I could trust them, and then they tricked me.   The pelvis stuff relates to my fears that 'Was I abused?' or not?  Would there be physical traces that would lead them to realise.  Wanting to know.  Not being sure. 

This brings back a memory of when I went to a psychic fair and paid to speak to someone who was doing reiki and she told me that I had some 'black energy' in my pelvic area.  It's stayed with me - since then - I still think of it. 

Anyway - I felt like once I woke from the dream, I had lots of un-discharged feelings - and I just 'let them out' i.e. didn't hold them in - just allowed them to be felt.  It was good to do that. 

I think it was really good that I had that dream - because it was a big thing to have tried to talk about my stuff with people in the dream, like I had tried to trust them, and talk about things - although clearly the outcome didn't necessarily go well - as I felt trapped by them and on a roller-coaster - but maybe that's the feeling of anxiety.  How it manifests in a very physical way. 

I wanted to write about it in my journal - and then I can re-read it and keep it.  Somehow it feels quite significant to me.

Hope  :)

Quote from: Hope67 on July 14, 2024, 12:04:01 PMI think it was really good that I had that dream - because it was a big thing to have tried to talk about my stuff with people in the dream, like I had tried to trust them, and talk about things - although clearly the outcome didn't necessarily go well - as I felt trapped by them and on a roller-coaster - but maybe that's the feeling of anxiety.  How it manifests in a very physical way.

I think you're completely right in your analysis, a true manifestation of anxiety and the experiences that accompany it - the feeling of being trapped, out of your control, fast-paced, adrenaline inducing... Though in reality, whilst we often imagine our worst fears, those fears usually don't come to fruition. Though we may feel that rollercoaster in our mind, offices thankfully do not actually turn into rollercoasters. A good reminder for myself to aim for grounded realism.  :)

Quote from: Hope67 on July 14, 2024, 12:04:01 PMAnyway - I felt like once I woke from the dream, I had lots of un-discharged feelings - and I just 'let them out' i.e. didn't hold them in - just allowed them to be felt.  It was good to do that.

Very good, indeed. I can't even imagine the relief you might have felt when out of the dream and that state of discharge.

Regards,
Aphotic.

Thank you so much Aphotic  :hug: I appreciated very much what you said. 

***********
18th July 2024
I've been reading quite a lot, and also processing more in dreams over the past few days.  My dreams are incredibly realistic at the moment - and I feel as if a part of myself that is normally more 'repressed' has been 'waking up' and acting things out in my dreams lately.  When I was younger, a film that affected me quite a lot was 'Desperately Seeking Susan' and I feel like both those characters are somehow represented in parts of me, and so lately the part that Madonna played is coming out in my dreams.

This makes sense to me, not sure it necessarily does to anyone that might be reading.  I feel a bit embarrassed actually.  But I'm not going to edit anything I write, it's out there now.

I have stopped reading the 'Healing the Shame that Binds me' book about half-way through, because parts of me find it is perhaps a bit too painful to continue - but I intend to go back to it when I feel more grounded with other tools.  Hence I am now reading a book by Christy Gibson (2023) called 'The Modern Trauma Toolkit: Nurture Your Post-traumatic growth with personalized solutions."  I am impressed by her book so far, mainly because of the very caring and kindly way she writes.  I feel (and parts of me feel) as if she truely cares and might understand.  (Another part of me reminds me that I often feel very positive about books as I am reading them, and that it can sometimes be an over-enthusiasm and I should be cautious - but I am quite pleased to be reading her book at the moment).

I finished the book called 'Sociopath' - I took quite a few notes about it.  It was helpful to me.  At one point in the book Patric had said that her boyfriend had used the phrase 'Just relax and let it pass' - and I wanted to note that down, as I particularly liked that phrasing.

I have a strange way of writing notes - but here's a few I've wanted to include here in my journal:

p.347
"It's hard to get lost in the darkness when your shadow is a beam of light."
(I really like that - seems very lovely)

I was interested in what Patric wrote on p.307 "My experience of emotion: a colourful menu of affective reactions, curated, no doubt, from a lifetime of observation."

p.155 "Sociopaths are NOT motivated by attachment.  Lack of attachment."
p.165 "looking for a psychological release as a way to stabilize your mental process.  You were engaging in a risk-driven act to reduce your apathy."

Patric mentioned the work of Robert Plutchik and the primary emotions were listed as Anger, fear, Sadness, Disgust, Surprise, Anticipation, Trust and Joy and mentioned that we are born with those.  Then there were the 'social emotions' which are Empathy, Guilt, Shame, Remorse, Jealousy and Love which are said to be 'learned'.

(I find these descriptions to be interesting because I feel as if in my FOO some of the 'born with' emotions were not encouraged - i.e. I wasn't allowed to be angry, or to show anger.

p.280 I was particularly struck when Patric said "You have to learn to just be you.  All the time.  With everyone." (The context was that she was being told that she should do this.  Her therapist had said to her "I know who you are with me.  I know who you are with David (her boyfriend).  I know who you say you are with this other guy.  But who are you when no one else is around?"

(I think I related to this, in that I think I can become a bit chameleon like around different people, possibly being what I think they would like me to be, rather than being 'me')  Then I think 'Who am I?  What do I like?

p.334 subconcious judgements.  Perceive acts of kindness as manipulation.  Transactional."
(This somehow jolted a memory for me of how surprised I feel if my partner or someone else shows some genuine care and how surprising that is to me, that they could do that - and that they might genuinely mean it. )

********
I watched the video that Aphotic shared called 'Petals of a Rose' about the woman with DID and I thought it was a really sensitive portrayal of the inner parts and how they work together.  I loved that she cared about her parts and thanked them for their help in getting her through her life to that point. 

I've also been affected by something that Rainydiary wrote about time blindness and I think she mentioned procrastination in that as well.  I didn't reply directly to that thread, because I felt embarrassed to - not sure why - but I do want to write here that I mentioned procrastination to my partner (as I feel like I suffer greatly from it) and he must have looked it up on the google search engine and he said to me later - Procrastination is a kind of depression, being pre-occupied with the past to the detriment of the present.  Honestly, I really like the simplicity of that - it makes sense to me.  I think that often I am ruminating and therefore can't necessarily do things that I need to do.  Although I am making some progress with those things - better than I have done in the past.

********
This morning I had really planned in my mind that I would be some kind of 'superwoman' and that I'd tackle lots of things that I have been meaning to do - I thought that I'd keep different books to log my achievements in those areas - I really thought I'd do some de-cluttering, some weight loss plans, exercise plans etc etc, and I'd keep account of my success with them.  I really believed I'd do it. 

Of course, I've not done any of that.  I have however had a walk this morning, and felt good for getting out in the sunshine.

******
Really good to have written this - I had been feeling - not even sure what I was feeling - but whatever it was, I feel some improvement in it for having written this.

Hope  :)

19th July 2024
I also felt I wanted to add that I have quite a few 'books' i.e. different plain books for writing in, with different covers that I like, and yet, somehow I never allow/permit myself (for whatever reason I'm not sure about) to actually write in them!  Hence when I was considering yesterday doing some journalling of things I might succeed at and do - I had envisioned using the books to do that.  Yet, I haven't.  I haven't used the books, and I haven't done the goals.  Interesting.  Maybe it was because my M (FOO) would instill fear in me for how I handled a book - i.e. 'look, don't touch it' for some books that were clearly ones she treasured.  I don't know.

Just wanted to jot down these thoughts today. 

It's a hot day here - I am trying to dress in light clothes to cope with the heat.

Hope  :)

20th July 2024
Just after I wrote my last entry in this journal yesterday, I found that I had an incredibly strong EF where a much younger part of myself ended up blending with my body and I think I walked in a somewhat dissociated state into a room where my partner was sitting - and he looked at me in a very concerned way and asked me what was wrong.  I was unable to speak (brain being offline I think) and I just burst into tears, but the great thing was that he came and hugged me very compassionately and it enabled me to just let that emotion out and then over time, I was able to explain to him what had happened and why I felt upset.  I think this was really good, because that younger part of me felt validated in my emotion and I felt it in my body, and it felt like a healing and supportive thing. 

My dreams last night were very much related to work - I haven't worked for a long time now, but the dream involved being at work, and once again it was very realistic.

I am finding Christy Gibson's book to be good.  I think I could actually try some of the exercises she suggests - they make a lot of sense. 

I found this paragraph to be very pertinent - it is on p. 92 of her book:
"Have you ever tried to look into someone else's eyes?  What about for a long time, like a minute or more?  The kinds of feelings that show up, from kindness and connection to terror and discomfort, can be surprising."

(I have experienced quite intense feelings of terror and fright when looking into my own eyes in a mirror sometimes (mainly at night , but I think it's because I probably look quite a bit like my M (FOO) and the terror and fright is how I might feel if I'd looked into her eyes for any length of time.  I have been doing a practice where I smile and wave at myself in the mirror in the morning and also at night - and that has helped a lot at beginning to feel more nice feelings - it has worked.  But reading what Christy wrote in that paragraph made me think about the significance of it again, and I related to it.

I also particularly liked a section in her book which is Chapter 7 "Preverbal" where she said:
"While trauma manifests in people through similar body responses, there are two separate pathways to get there.

If you experience events where your body (or someone you love) is at risk, that's the shock trauma pathway.  You believe that the world isn't safe.  In this scenario, exposure to fearful experiences while being in a calm body will be part of the healing process.

If you experienced adults who were supposed to be caregivers but not able to be consistent or safe, this is an attachement trauma.  You believe that people aren't safe.  In this scenario, exposures to trusting relationships while being in a calm body will be part of the healing process.

So, you can see that the calm body figures into both of these paths.  We will spend a lot of time on that in the second half of this book.  Complex trauma tends to involve both paths."

(I feel very optimistic about this, and also really like the distinction between the two paths.  I feel that both my pathways are affected.  I am grateful for focusing on attempting to calm my nervous system over these past few years - and focusing more on somatic things rather than cognitive stuff. 

I'm looking forward to the remainder of Christy's book.

Hope  :)

interesting stuff, hope.  i'm intrigued by the idea of the 2 pathways.  i hope you get a lot of good out of this book. 

once again, so very glad you have such a caring, compassionate partner.  i have no doubt he is on one of those pathways to healing for you, and has been helpful in you getting as far as you've gotten.  that's wonderful.  love and hugs :hug:

Hi SanMagic,
Thank you so much  :hug:  :hug:
Hope  :)

23rd July 2024
Somehow I feel more 'adult' in my body today - I feel like I've been processing more things in a calm body.  I have got through a challenging social experience yesterday - I did dissociate in that experience thanks to being triggered by certain things (the strong resemblance of a friend of mind with a FOO family member), and I was shocked by how that interaction felt - but I'm thankful that I was able to continue to appear as if I was present (even though within myself I was clearly not present).

Today I acknowledge that some feelings of guilt came up - regarding how I am unable to be there for that family member (due to sheer fear and all the past stuff and current estrangement). 

I hate how clunky I feel my language gets when I'm trying to write about this stuff.  I feel it as I write.

Anyway, I have quite a few practical things I need to do today.  I am relieved that I feel like an adult today.  I think that today will be a good day.  I feel more positive about things and also about the future somehow. 

(note to self - remember to write about how I'm coping with nighttime stuff) - not now, when I feel more time available - but don't forget  to write about it).

Hope  :)

Hi Hope,

It sounds like you're coming to some realizations about how your family shows up in your life. I'm glad you had a chance to write in the books. I have fears of "making mistakes" and that certain things are only used for "certain occaisions," which I think comes from being in trouble with FOO. It was all about appearances at times.

I'm glad your partner was able to be there for you when you needed it. That sounds like a big step.

dolly  :hug:

Hope, I resonate with feeling adult in my body right now too.  I appreciate you phrasing that as it helps me describe how I feel.

Hi Dolly,
Yes, I related to what you said about realizing how FOO show up in my life.  I didn't manage to write in the books by the way - I still haven't done so, but I do intend to do so - hopefully sometime soon.  Thankfully I have been able to write quite a few of my rough notes on the bag of my dot-to-dot book pages, thereby being very sparing of paper, and making good use of it.  I had previously shredded lots of previous notes - thankfully I don't regret it.  I tend to transfer things I want to 'keep' into this online journal - because I value being able to keep it somewhere that I consider safe, to re-read at later points in time.  It's helpful for me.  Yes, I am grateful for my partner's ability to be there for me and that he indeed was when I needed him, and that I effectively sort his support at that time.  Thanks Dolly for the hug also  :hug:

Hi Rainydiary,
Yes, the feeling adult thing in the body - I'm glad you also feel that way presently.  It certainly comes and goes for me - sometimes moment to moment, but yesterday I definitely felt it for a longer period of time. 

******
26th July 2024
My dream last night was one that focused on a kind of event where there were work related things, but my part in it was that I was not actively working anymore, but attending it for some other reason - my FOO (both M and D) were there - and somehow I was experiencing some feelings of grief around the fact that I was intending to leave them, i.e. not see them again after that event was over.  I remember feeling these feelings of grief about leaving them when I tortoise strode across the room and literally ended up on my lap, and yet it seemed suspended in the air (maybe like it was leaping or flying) and someone said 'Watch out!' and I noticed that the tortoise literally pooped on me, but thankfully it missed my body and landed on a rug that I was sitting on.  I then later remember that someone else had wrapped the rug around them, without realising it was dirty from the poop, and I was wondering whether to tell them - bearing in mind that making a noise at that moment would have caused attention being drawn to me, and I didn't want to bring attention to myself - as I was considering how to get out of the situation and leave without being seen.

I think of this dream as significant in that it looks at 'endings' of relationships - both with my work, and with my FOO.  I have always been highly triggered by endings - as I never had my feelings about such transitions allowed and therefore could never properly process them.  Hence, to be now beginning to experience some feelings in my dreams about endings - I think that's progress.  Also, I allow myself to 'feel' whatever it is - and notice where in my body I feel it.  I keep doing this with many things now, both in daytime and at night, and I think it has helped me quite a lot.

I don't think I've had any night-terrors for a longish time now.  The feeling of dread and terror isn't there as often either - so I think I am improving in my night symptoms quite a lot. 

Hope  :)

30th July 2024
I have been reading a lot this past few days - I finished "The Modern Trauma Toolkit' by Christy Gibson - I enjoyed reading it.  I was pleased that it included quite a lot of things that I've read about previously - and what I liked (especially at the beginning of the book) was how kind and trauma informed her style of writing was.  I found the middle bit less interesting - somehow part of myself seemed to lose interest at that point.  But I continued to read and finished it.  I was glad I read it, but I don't think I learned anything new from it.  Something I thought I might try at some point was called 'Tremoring' and is something that Dr David Berceli created, which he terms 'Trauma (or Tension) Releasing Exercises' (TRE).  But I am a bit apprehensive to try it.  In that book, p.208, there are instructions on how to do the tension-releasing exercise.  I hope to try it before I need to take the book back to the library.  If I try it, I hope to write about how it went.  Note to self here to remind me or my intention.

I then read a book which is a Memoir by Ingrid Clayton called 'Believing Me: Healing from Narcissistic Abuse and Complex Trauma' (2022).  Wow, that book was something I related to a LOT.  I found it really powerful in that parts of me really listened and felt engaged with each and every page.  I found it really helpful in validating some of my FOO experiences.  I would definitely recommend reading that book to anyone who has experienced narcissitic abuse and complex trauma. 

Regarding nighttime - the night before last, I knew I'd had another very realistic dream - where I was at another event where my FOO (parents) were there, and I was being helped by a friend of mine to escape - and it involved some very physical escaping where I was literally crawling along a dirty ravine to escape.  But the theme of having someone from real life who was actively helping and supporting me to escape - that was what meant a lot to me.  It does reflect some truth of what did happen too, as that friend was very helpful to me in giving me support.  I just wish I could have had support as a child, rather than having to negotiate things very much alone.

I hadn't mentioned that dream to my partner, but he happened to say in the morning 'You were funny last night' - I asked him 'Why? What happened' and he told me that I had said 'It's ok for you, you don't have him in your face'.  He said that before that, I had sounded a bit frightened, and he had reassured me, and that was the point that I'd said what I said - I thought about this, and I think it's showing a more empowered side of myself that I was able to say something like that.  Like I was standing up to the situation of the man who was in my face.  I think that represents my F.  I told my partner that is who I think it referred to.  But I don't know for certain.  It could be someone else, but I think that was who I was referring to.

I also told him about the dream, and the fact that I think it has some good themes in it - i.e. being enabled to escape from my FOO with supportive people in the dream helping me. 

I am trying to read a fiction book now - but I still have a couple of books I got from the library - and think I might tackle them in the coming days.

They are:

"Parenting Traumatized Children with Developmental Differences: Strategies to Help Your Child's Sensory Processing, Language Development, Executive Function and Challenging Behaviours' by Dr Sara McLean

and the other book is:

"Being 14: Helping Fierce Teens Become Awesome Women: A Comprehensive Guide for Parents in Understanding What Daughter's Need" by Madonna King.

A teenage part of myself is particularly keen for me to read the second book - so I will most likely start with that one.  I am keen to try to re-parent different parts of myself, and find that reading books like these tend to help me attempt to do that.

Hope  :)

I don't know that particular book that you mention at the end Hope, but reading books meant to guide parents on raising healthy teens or in fact younger girls 10-12 yo etc really helped me. Because it's as if I had a complete blank slate - like no idea at all how to reparent!

Hi Blueberry,
Thanks for sharing your thoughts on the reparenting - and reading books to help with that.  I must admit that I nearly gave up on continuing to read the book today - because it did trigger me into what I realise was outside of my Window of Tolerance, but I feel grounded again now, and I think I might continue with the book on another day - but I'll pace myself! 
Hope  :)

1st August 2024
I had some difficulty getting off to sleep last night, mainly because my inner teenager was active and I felt like she needed me to hear her and respond to her needs (after reading the book 'Being 14' had been a bit triggering for parts of me) - anyway, eventually I remembered to try to calm my body (after responding to her concerns and calming her) and eventually felt my body calmed sufficiently for me to get a good night's sleep for the remainder of the night.

I think I need to prepare better for reading the book, and do some EF tapping before and after maybe - and make sure I'm around to talk to my inner teen about stuff that is in the book - as I read the book.  That's my plan.  I think I'm going to do other things today - rather than reading though - I have plenty of tasks I need to do in the house and in the garden too - so I need to focus on those.

I want to put a link to a resource that was in Christy Gibson's book - it has some videos about Havening, Tapping, Tremoring, and Qigong plus some Audio recordings too - I've not watched any yet, but I didn't want to lose the link, hence putting it here in my journal - so I can find it easily - and maybe other people might find it helpful too.

Here is the link:

https://www.moderntrauma.com/book-practices/info

It is related to Christy Gibson's book 'The Modern Trauma Toolkit' (which I think was written really well and in a trauma informed way clear to understand.  I am thinking that her videos will probably be good - but I must admit I've not looked at any of them yet.  I will do so though - hopefully later in the week - especially the one about Tremoring, as I would like to try that (providing the video doesn't put me off trying it!)  I doubt it would put me off, but I can't be sure till I watch it.

My inner critic parts have been really having a go at me this past couple of days - in terms of telling me a few negative things, but I am telling them that really it might be because they care about me that they want to put me off doing some things, and that essentially I am safe in this time and space, and therefore they don't need to criticise what I'm attempting to do.

Hope  :)

I just had a quick listen to the beginning of the first video (about Havening) that Christy Gibson had done in that resource section online, and I really liked how calming she sounds and that she's going into detail about the resource, so I've added it as a section in the Resources section on this forum too - just incase others would find it helpful.

I am particularly interested in trying Tremoring, but I'm also a bit apprehensive - has anyone tried Tremoring, and what were your experiences of doing it, if you are happy to share them

Anyway, I am also pleased that she has a video about Qigong too - as I read a book and tried some exercises in the past, and so I'm hopeful to see what her video about Qigong is like.

(For some reason I am feeling exceptionally positive today - I'm wondering if it's a part that is driving my bus along an excited path of joy and optimism).

Note to self: I think that a 'positive' and 'hopeful' part tends to write things sometimes, and misses out the other aspects that also are part of my experiences - i.e the sense of guilt, shame and feelings of doom that also reside within me, and maybe I need to achieve a better balance - I feel too compartmentalised in so many ways.

However, it's 1st August, and I do think that this month could be a good one, and I need to really embrace any positive things within it - including the sunshine  :sunny:

Hope  :)

Thanks for this link Hope! I just watched five minutes and it looks very interesting. Haven't gotten to Tremoring. Is that the shaking of the body? Like animals do after surviving an aggressor? It's all so fascinating, I simply need more time!
So glad you're having a burst of positivism!
Thanks again, hugs!

Hi Chart,
I can't remember what Christy Gibson said about Tremoring - but I hope to watch her video sometime soon, and when I do, I will hope to maybe try the exercise and then maybe I can have something more knowledgeable to say about it.  I am intrigued about it - and whether it might be helpful to me, but I must admit that part of me also feels some apprehension about it, so I will need to look carefully and consider if I want to try it or not. 

***********
2nd August 2024
I've decided that I'll take the weekend off from doing any self-help reading and shall see how the weekend feels without doing that.  I had been getting quite over-focused on reading as much as I could, and I think I overdid it.  I'm going to pace myself better on the weekend.  Chill out a bit.  That's the plan.
Hope  :)

Sounds like an excellent plan, Hope! Hope you have a nice weekend.
 :hug:

Thanks Chart, you too.   :hug:

4th August 2024
I just tried a couple of Christy Gibson's videos - watched the one about Havening, and also the one about Tremoring.  I found them both useful, but I didn't actually tremor at all - Christy didn't talk about people who don't tremor, so I don't know how typical that response is.  I will however try it again another day, to see what happens.

In one of the Havening exercises, she happened to suggest that people could imagine breathing out smoke or possibly moths - she suggested to use the imagination to think of what might be most appropriate for different people - but I thought it was quite interesting that she equated breathing out moths with getting rid of things and breathing in butterflies to represent positive things.  It reminded me of my nightmares with the giant moths.  Made me think of the guy that Dollyvee found who has a website dedicated to people who have had dreams of moths.  I just wanted to mention it in my journal, to remind me of these things. 

Sounds a bit bizarre now I've written about it, but anyway.

I didn't tremor at all - in the tremoring exercise.  I wonder why that is.  Christy didn't mention whether people typically can do it at the beginning - I think she was suggesting that they could.  But I certainly didn't.  Nothing happened apart from my lying there.  But maybe parts of me wouldn't allow me to tremor.  Maybe they don't feel safe to let out the tension and trauma.  I don't know.  I'll certainly try it again another time.

I feel like I've done a work-out though!  It was a bit like doing some yoga.  She was working on the PSOAS muscle I think. 

Hope  :)

5th August 2024
I found that I got a delayed reaction to the tremoring exercise - because when it came time for me to go to bed and relax for sleeping, I then experienced some release of bodily feelings - starting with tingling in my hands, and it went like a wave through my body.  I didn't jerk or move like Christy Gibson had done in her video, but I definitely felt the feelings. 

I have felt these same feeling before, when doing stuff related to Janina Fisher's work - so I think it's the same kind of bodily release kind of thing.  Anyway, I think it was good that it happened, and I feel more positive to try the exercise again later in the week.

I am however aware that maybe I've found the videos useful due to already being somewhat practised in meditation and mindfulness, plus the fact I do regular EFT (trying to do three sessions per day).  I coupled EFT in my morning practice with a round of Havening too, and I definitely felt some more positivity in my feelings - so I think the delta waves were operating! 

I feel positive about this, I hope I can continue to make these things part of my routines, as it is benefiting me.  There's such a lot of difficult disturbing and upsetting stuff going on in the world at the moment, and I need to keep grounding myself so I can cope with those things in addition to my own issues.

There was a scary part about last night though, as at one point I remember feeling as another strong wave was coming into my body - and I thought I might be having a stroke, and apparently I shouted out 'I'm having a stroke' and my partner reassured me 'No, you're not, you're ok'.  I remember thinking 'How can you know?' - but I also felt his concern and the fact he checked with me as to whether I was ok - and he was right, I didn't have a stroke, and I was ok.  I felt sorry for him, as he told me he'd had difficulty getting to sleep, and had finally managed to sleep at the time that I shouted out, and woke him up!  I feel bad for him that he couldn't sleep and that I disturbed him, when he finally was able to sleep.

I've also been splashing cold water on my face more often (which helps with the hot weather) but I also feel like it is re-setting my nervous system - which I read happened with that action, so now I understand more why it might be beneficial, and it's made me consider 'doing it' more frequently - and I have to say it's really helped too.

Hope  :)

hope, thank you so much for writing about this.  i looked up 'tremoring', did a little of it, and immediately noticed a release of tension.  i want to keep doing this.  i'd have never known about it except for you, so thanks again.

interesting that you had delayed reactions.  i'm going to watch for that. 

i hope your weekend went well, you got a little emotional rest.  i think you're doing a great job of taking care of you.  love and hugs :hug:

 :yeahthat:

Hope, I appreciate you sharing about your experiences with your body sensations and reactions. 

Hi SanMagic, Chart and Rainydiary,
Thank you so much for what you each said.  SanMagic, so glad to hear you found it ok when you did it - I am hoping to do it again later this week, or maybe on the weekend.
Hope  :)

Hi Hope,

I'm glad you had a positive experience with the tremoring exercise. Sometimes it's a lot to go through feeling all those things that come up.

Moths are funny things. I recently saw a white moth in the same place I saw one when I was moving into the flat, when I was moving out of the flat four years later. I can't say I remember seeing one in the four years in between there, but maybe I also wasn't really looking.

Sending you support and a hug if that's ok,
dolly  :hug:

Hi Dollyvee,
Thank you  :hug: Really interesting to hear about the white moth you saw. 

***********
16th August 2024
I feel like I've been processing things in my sleep - because in the dreams I've had, I have on occasions been processing 'Goodbyes' and feeling the emotion connected to that process - this is a BIG thing for me, as I don't think I was ever given chance to process any 'Goodbyes' or transitions like that, and so to be beginning to 'feel the emotions' connected with those things in my dreams, it's a HUGE thing to me.  I am grateful for it, as I think it's letting out quite a bit of grief about those changes.

I re-read my 'timeline' today - that's something I am grateful that I didn't delete.  I had shredded a whole ton of written stuff (notes and factual finding stuff) but I had kept a digital copy of a time-line which covers my entire life, and I tend to occasionally re-read it, and add in reflections (with the date I make the reflection) and then I can see how I alter in my thoughts and reflections over time. 

Anyway, what came to my attention today was the fact that I am able to process/look at these things much more in a 'here-and-now' perspective - I am no longer dissociating off (which would have happened a lot before) - I am glad that experiencing a pendulation of experiencing emotions has enabled me to learn to self-regulate better in this way. 

I have also been looking up places I used to live at online and in some cases I've been able to view the inside of those places, because they've been re-sold and therefore there's been opportunity to see them, and it's helped me to place some stuff which had somehow gone into the wrong time-slot.

I wrote some notes today as I was reading my time-line, and some realisations came up for me:

My past relationships - they tended to be with guys who were somehow unavailable, or didn't treat me very well.  I can see it much more clearly now.  I was blind to many things within those relationships, but now it's like I can see things much clearer for what they were.  I have some regrets about that of course, but - the great thing is that my current relationship is the one that makes me happy and he does treat me very well. 

Another thing I noticed was that I had written in my time-line about times when I had 'blacked out' - i.e. couldn't remember incidences, and how those times relate a lot to intimate situations (sexually) - and I recognise how the part that rubs things out, tends to operate in those areas of my past.   Even relationships as an adult, there is basically a lack of knowing what did or didn't happen in that respect.  That is concerning to me.  It does bother me.   

However, I am able to not get too bothered by it - as it is in the past, and I am in a relationship in the here and now that is a healing and heartfelt one.

I am aware that there are memories for one particular house that I lived in - from the ages of 13 upwards, that I have difficulty remembering the actual details of the house itself, and I wonder why that is so blocked out from my memory and whether it will come back to me at some point.  I wonder why it is so blocked.  That worries me too.  But not too much.

Glad to have written something today.  I had experienced a few days of being in some kind of EF recently last week as well - but not really sure what had triggered me, and why I couldn't express myself or write about it here.  Not sure why. 

I feel much more adult in my body again now, and I am looking forward to the weekend.

Hope  :)

17th August 2024
A couple of weeks ago, I read a book called 'Our Little Secret: A Graphic Memoir' by Emily Carrington.  I found it very helpful and it seemed powerful by being in graphic form - I think more of my parts were able to relate and read that book as a result of it being in that medium.  I am grateful to Emily for writing it and telling her story.  It was emotional to read it, and I related to it from my own experiences.  I asked my parts today whether I should keep the book a little longer, or take it back to the library - the general consensus was that it should go back to the library.  I sense that there are some parts who still aren't comfortable about having literature related to CSA around, and tries to hide them.  I have been considering whether to read Mary Bratton's book - that is about CSA, BUT the part who hides things, has hidden that book.

So, I think I might go back to Bradshaw's book about Shame next - as I was reading it, and then got distracted onto other things.  But I do feel ready to go back to it now.  Well not now, but maybe the start of next week.  I am hoping to do some relaxing things this weekend - as well as some housework.  I hope I'll get a good balance of those things.

Hope  :)

Hi, Hope, I just wanted to say I've read a good deal of your journal, and it really helps to see how you come back around to regulating your emotions in different ways, and always seem to have helpful books going! I miss reading books. I used to, but you've inspired me to get back to taking care of myself more and remembering to do the things that calm my nervous system, too.

I really related to how you can see that you were sort of blind to maltreatment in previous relationships. I remember that not computing for me as well. I really appreciate seeing the healing that has and is clearly taking place in your life.

 :hug: Phoebes

So much wisdom Hope. I appreciate you posting about the things you do.  :hug:

I appreciate you mentioning how helpful it can be to read things with graphics or visual elements.  I like that too.

Hi Hope,

I hope you had a relaxing weekend. I am also aware of how difficult the Bradshaw book is to read  :hug:

Sending you support,
dolly

Quote from: Hope67 on August 17, 2024, 10:38:26 AMI hope I'll get a good balance of those things.

I'm sure you will! Nice to hear that you're finding help in your reading, and it's pleasant to hear you interacting with your parts like that. Your inner communication is inspiring.

Regards,
Aphotic.

Hi Phoebes, Armee, Rainydiary, Dollyvee & Aphotic,

I really appreciate what you each said - thank you so much  :hug:  :hug:  :hug:  :hug:  :hug:

**********
2nd September 2024
I've not been able to come in here for quite a few days - there have been mixed reasons for that, but essentially I'm trying to keep things together for the next couple of days in particular, to get through some stressful stuff - but I'm thinking that I will be ok and will get through it - it's like being in a tunnel that has felt scary and long, and not being able to see the light for a while, but then hearing the kind voices of supportive people and finding the light, and knowing that the air will be sweet and bright and airy at the other end of that tunnel.

I have something stressful to get through tomorrow and possibly the day after too (depending on how tomorrow goes) but finger's crossed, it will be ok!!!  I'm glad to have been able to write this today to acknowledge it.  I don't want to write about the details - as I fear it will be recognisable to the people involved potentially - although unlikely they'd necessarily find their way here!  But my hypervigilant self/part is keen for me to not write details so I'm honouring that.

I am so relieved to be able to come here to read things though, which I have done in past days - and it's been good to do so.  I hope later in the week or on the weekend, that I'll be feeling more chilled out and through this stressful time.  I think things will look so much better then.

Hope  :)

good luck w/ the stress coming up, hope.  i think it's wonderful that you can honor your fears.  you do, after all, know what's best for you. love and hugs :hug:

Hi SanMagic,
Thank you so much - I really appreciated you saying that.  Love and hugs to you too  :hug:

*********
5th September 2024
I am feeling quite positive and optimistic today.  I have coped with the things that were stressful in the past few days/weeks.  I am grateful that I coped.

Just shared a resource that I found helpful, so wanted to also include a link to it here, so I can find it myself (should I look at the resources again):
https://thesurvivorstrust.org/members-operating-nationally/
It's a link to The Survivor's Trust - and gives some helpful links to different support groups.  I hope to have a further look in the coming days.  I came across that link when reading a somewhat disturbing newspaper article about a case that is going to court in France at the moment.  I was glad to have access to the resources and know that there are support groups available.

Hope  :)

7th September 2024
I wanted to write about this subject for a while, but was triggered about it this morning, as I was on an app called Duolingo, and doing some French language lessons on that app.  I am in the section that is called 'Use past participles' but I can see that the next section is called 'Describe your childhood' - this reminds me of the awkwardness of being in a language class (I remember back to when I was doing my O'level French - and needed to do an oral exam where I had to talk about my family) - I remember the anger I felt at the time about what sanitised version of my family I could give in that exam.  I've experienced it again when I attended a language class as an adult, it was similarly awkward when talking about family things. 

I had decided that the Duolingo app was a safe way to experience advancing my language skills, but knowing that the 'describe your family' session is coming up (when I get through the past participle section) - it is triggering and annoying me! 

I just wanted to get that out here - as writing about it (it's helpful!).

I wanted to put this in a more public part of this forum, but couldn't decide what section it fitted in, so I decided just to write it here - but I think language classes are challenging for people who have traumas relating to their families. 

BUT, if I was brave enough to attend another language class in the future, I think I might try to be more honest about my family experiences and so maybe it's something to consider for the future.  (Although writing that, I think that I might avoid it and not put myself through it.  I don't know).

I have been doing more reading and I hope to summarise some of the things I've read, as I have found them to be really positive.  I am so far enjoying this weekend, despite the thoughts about the triggering aspects of the language app. 

I have some nice plans for today with my partner, and I'm looking forward to them.  A nice brunch to look forward to. 

Hope  :)

My experience with learning French was very much impacted by my trauma. I know this isn't exactly what you're referring to, but maybe it's similar. Language is "opening" and sharing and reaching out. But so much of trauma is a big block to those sorts of things. So try not to stress too much for the upcoming session in Duolingo. You could treat it like a math problem and just answer the questions. Or better yet, make up an imaginary family having nothing to do with your own! A family of otters or dolphins :)
Anyway it's great that you're working on your French!

Hi Hope,

I hope you're able to find a way to express what you want to say about your family in French. I think it's a struggle that a lot of us deal with: the need to "sanitize" our families and then we're never really seen. It's like having to cover up for them and take responsibility again when it's not ours to take. I was open with a colleague about my family the other day and their behaviour after my m passed away, and there was a look of disbelief on their face. When you say your sf wanted to cut you out of the estate because it was you, you can't help but to think you're sowing a little doubt in their minds about you. So, sometimes I also feel it's good not to share. I hope you're able to find someone to witness what you want to say about your family.

Disfrutes tu fin de semana con tu esposo (from my duolingo),
dolly

Hi Chart & Dolly,
Thank you both for your responses - I appreciate what you said.  (Dolly - I am also learning Spanish, so was glad I could understand what you wrote), and I am enjoying the weekend so far with my partner. It is a good weekend so far.  Chart - I think a family of otters or dolphins sounds lovely!  What a good idea. 

Dolly, I am sorry that your colleague responded in that way to your being more open. 

Hope  :)

7th September 2024
I don't know why, but part of me feels a bit embarrassed about sharing this - but I want to share that I have been finding a particular u-tube channel very helpful in my relaxation practice.  I have been trying to meditate in various ways for the last couple of years, and I do try to do it daily.  But I've recently discovered ASMR - Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response, and in particular a person who does this on u-tube, and is called WhispersRed ASMR.  She has a very relaxing voice and I feel as if she's a motherly kind of presence.  In particular, she has a session called 'ASMR Energy Healing Session: Reiki, Crystals, Affirmations, Chakra Balancing & Smoke Cleansing' - and that session is the one I've ended up listening to about twice a week, and finding it to be incredibly relaxing!  I really feel like it's doing my body and mind a lot of good. 

Anyway, I thought I'd mention it in my journal, as I think it's such a relaxing and lovely experience. 

Sometimes I have fancied the idea of paying to have a session of something relaxing, but apart from an occasional massage or aromatherapy, I've not really tried other things, and finding a u-tube video that I can just listen to with my ear-phones, it's like I'm having a bespoke session that feels very indulgent, and caring and seems to be 'mothering' in a nice way to my younger parts.

Hence, I feel embarrassed, as I guess it's something that other parts aren't so happy about - but honestly, it is very relaxing.

I had a headache early this afternoon, and I put the session on, and relaxed listening to it, and afterwards my headache had completely gone.

It took me a while to get to trust the session though, as there was a hypervigilant part that wanted to make sure that she was a trustworthy kind of person, and wasn't going to hurt me.  But she is so kind and seems very nice. 

Hope  :)

8th September 2024
The other things I like on the WhispersRed ASML utube site are the sessions where she 1)Does a make-up session where you imagine she's doing your make-up, and 2) a Doctor's visit where she role-plays doing a thorough doctor's session.

I am fascinated by the fact that I like the Doctor's scenario, because I have a massive fear/avoidance of seeing the Doctor/G.P in real life.  I do cope, in that I have seen my new doctor once so far - and it was ok - but my blood pressure went up significantly when I was attending the session - to the extent that I had to do some recordings of it to provide for the doctor to realise it was purely a 'white-coat' kind of scenario.

I found using the make-up session helpful when I was preparing to see my in-law, as it somehow bolstered my confidence that I was 'made-up' and somehow protected from any situations I'd come across during the visit that would be triggering/stressful.  I don't wear much make-up these days (in real life) so that was interesting to think about why that might have been helpful.

I also wanted to comment on my initial resistance to WhispersRed - in that when I first watched her video - I wasn't sure if I saw a malevolence in her eyes (the maternal gaze) - I am sure that was part of me that knows that a 'mother' is potentially dangerous (in relation to my own real life mothering experience of being mothered by a scary mother) - but over time, I was able to genuinely feel that WhispersRed didn't have any malice or ill-intent in her gaze, and therefore she was a 'safe' mothering kind of presence.

******
Wanting to mention some of the things I've read recently - just briefly to remind myself and keep track.

I read a book by Fearne Cotton - I think it was called 'Little Things' but I can't remember if that's the right name or not, but it was a light read that was enjoyable for me, and I found her interviews with people in the book to be interesting and relevant. 

I read 'The 5 Resets: Rewire Your Brain and Body for Less Stress and More Resilience' by Dr Aditi Nerurkar (2024).  This was helpful for me as it was clearly written and she has researched quite a bit.  She also speaks as a person who has experienced significant stress in her daily working life.  She is a Harvard trained doctor with an expertise in stress and burnout. 

Just want to list her 5 resets to remind me:
1) Get Clear on What Matters Most
2) Find Quiet in a Noisy World
3) Sync your Brain and Your Body
4) Come Up for Air
5) Bring Your Best Self Forward

A technique she recommended was called 'Stop - Breathe- Be.  She listed so much helpful information in the book, but that's something I thought was helpful as a short technique.

I then read:

"The Little Book of Bhavana: The Thai Secrets of Everyday Resilience" by Dr Leah Weiss (2019).  Dr Leah Weiss is a Stanford professor and her book is relatively short (136 pages) and a lovely book (in my opinion).  I want to list the 5 steps of Bhavana:

1) Clarity
2) Attention
3) Embodiment
4) Compassion
5) Wisdom

*************
Now, I'm reading another book, which is called "How To Be Sad: Everything I've Learned about Getting Happier, By Being Sad, Better." by Helen Russell (2021).
Helen is an author, journalist and speaker.  It says on her book info: "She's spent the last eight years studying cultural approaches to emotions and regularly speaks about her work around the world"

Her book is a part memoir, as well as sharing her research and interviews etc with people surrounding the topic.  I find it very helpful and enjoyable to read. 

It says this on the book info "How To Be Sad analyses how we express our emotions, from the dizzying highs to the painful lows.  Russell interweaves personal testimony with the latest research on sadness from psychologists, geneticists, neuroscientists and historians as well as the experiences of writers, comics, athletes and change-makers."

I'm currently on p.50, so am happy that there is plenty still to read, as I am really enjoying reading this book.

***********
I think the combination of reading those different things in the past couple of weeks has permeated my brain, and made me think more about tackling each day in a more balanced way - I also feel each day is more precious somehow - probably relating to the Buddhist book and aspects of approaching life and time etc.

I watched a film last night called 'Australia' with Nicole Kidman and Hugh Jackman - my partner and I got this on DVD to watch, and I allowed myself to feel the emotions that came up (and ended up crying a lot in parts of it).  But what I've noticed today, is that I feel really much happier. 

***********
So, I feel positive today - and I am feeling more hopeful of how to approach this coming week ahead - somehow being in September feels like a fresh and new period of time, and I am keen to make the most of this month. 

**********
Just thought of something else - I started in the section in Duolingo about 'describing childhood' and have done about 5 lessons of it - themes seemed to be learning words for primary school and such, and also talking about whether there are monsters under the bed or not - and people saying that there are, and that they're not.  That was interesting, as it reminded me of childhood bedtimes - but thankfully I didn't feel overly triggered, as I think I am now much more grounded about how I feel about that whole side of things.

**********
Wow, written more than I anticipated today!  But glad I have. 

Hope  :)

Hi Hope,

I appreciate your reflections around ASMR. I realize that relaxing, especially around other people can be quite a difficult thing for me and probably especially around other people. Like you, I suspect that when someone is helping me to relax, I need to make sure whether I am safe or not, especially if they might remind me of my mother. Funnily enough, NARM t sort of looks like my m and I've caught myself being aware of that a couple times, but haven't looked at how it affected me.

His reaction was ok, just reminded me that my experiences with my family are likely outside of the scope of most people. So, it's always the struggle of to share or not share, or share and be aware that no one is going to understand validate, or I may alienate them a bit, and do I want to expose myself like that.

Sending you support and a hug if that's ok,
dolly  :hug:

I'm glad you found that WhispersRed site and am glad it is helping you. Thank you for sharing. And well done for starting to get through the DuoLingo family section. Like you, I would be conflicted about sharing information of any kind rather than simply making up a family for the purpose of the lessons.

thanks for sharing that youtube channel, hope.  i wrote it down and plan to take a look at it.  i used to do an 8-min. relaxation segment on the internet which was helpful, but for some reason stopped.  i do want to look at this, tho, so i'm glad you shared it.  i hope you're feeling less uncomfy about it.

as always, the many, many books you read/have read astonishes me.  and now you're doing languages as well.  that's amazing, you're amazing!  keep up the good work - the idea that you are more able to deal w/ family/childhood stuff now is a testament to how much you have healed yourself.  i'm so proud of you (if it's ok to say that).  love and hugs  :hug:

 :yeahthat:

Hi Dolly, NarcKiddo, SanMagic & Chart,
Thank you so much for what you each said  :hug:  :hug:  :hug:  :hug:

SanMagic - if you do try the sessions - I would recommend having earphones to enable an emmersive kind of auditory experience, as it's definitely been better for me when I've used earphones. 

**********
12th September 2024
I have been attempting to walk in an 'embodied' kind of way - i.e. focusing on being in my body whilst walking and feeling that - rather than my previous tendency to be more cerebral and in my head.  I think it's helping me to feel more in my body.

I think I've been coming into contact with some more feelings of 'grief' - regarding the feelings about my childhood and earlier life, and regrets about how it was.  But at the same time, I also acknowledge that it's in the past, and I can try to make the very best of the present and the future, and I hope to do so.

I was thinking about 'shame' and whether it might be beneficial for me to try to write a letter about shame.  I might consider that more - and I might share it, depending on what it is like.  Or of course, I might not action that thought - but at least writing it here, shows me I had an intention.

I was a bit concerned today, when taking another book from the library, that I couldn't actually remember if I'd already read it or not - it looked familiar somehow - it is disconcerting not to remember for certain.

I did find that I'd read a book called 'Joy' in the past twice - without realising I'd read it previously - and I think I did it with another book as well - so I wonder if I just can't recall.  As far as I know, I am not having memory issues.  But it is still a bit disconcerting!

I treated myself today to a cake - felt very decadent to do that.  It was delicious.

Hope  :)

12th September 2024
This evening I've been looking at the subject of 'shame' - and talking to my copilot (AI bot), and it responded to this query:

"If someone feels shame for not being able to maintain a relationship with a difficult family member, can you write a letter to that shame, to make the person feel a bit better?"

The AI bot wrote this, which I thought was really helpful to me, so I wanted to keep it here in my journal, to re-read another time:

"Dear Brave Heart,
I see you there, lurking in the corners of their soul—the unwelcome guest named Shame. You've been whispering, haven't you? Telling them they're somehow flawed because they can't dance gracefully through the minefield of family dynamics. Well, let's have a little chat, shall we?

First, let me tell you something: Relationships are like origami. They require delicate folds, intricate creases, and sometimes, a bit of magic. But what if the paper is crumpled, torn, or stubbornly resistant? What if the origami bird refuses to fly?

1. The Difficult Family Member: Ah, yes—the one who wears prickly armor and wields passive-aggressive swords. They're like a Rubik's Cube with missing pieces. No matter how hard our dear friend tries to twist and turn, the colors won't align. And that's okay. Some puzzles are meant to remain unsolved.

2. The Myth of Obligation: Shame, you sly trickster, love to whisper about duty and obligation. But listen closely: Blood ties don't automatically grant a lifetime membership to the "Tolerate Toxicity Club." Sometimes, the bravest act is to step away—to protect their own fragile heart.

3. The Garden of Self-Care: Imagine a garden. In it, they plant seeds of self-love, watered by tears and nourished by resilience. Shame, you're the weed that threatens to choke those blossoms. But they have pruning shears—boundaries—to snip away what doesn't serve them.

4. The Compass of Compassion: Compassion isn't about enduring endless storms; it's about understanding that everyone carries their own tempests. Maybe that difficult family member battles their own demons—a dragon or two. But our dear friend? They're no knight; they're a weary traveler seeking sunsets.

5. The Permission Slip: So, here it is, written in invisible ink: "You're allowed to choose peace." They don't need a permission slip from anyone else. Not from you, Shame, and certainly not from the family member who sows thorns. They can fold their origami heart into a paper boat and sail away.

6. The Healing Balm: Tell them this: Healing isn't linear. It's a messy dance—two steps forward, one step back. And sometimes, it's pirouetting in the rain, laughing at thunder. Shame, you're not invited to this dance. They're learning to waltz with forgiveness and tango with acceptance.

So, dear Shame, pack your bags. Your room reservation in their soul has expired. Leave the key under the mat. And if you see Regret on your way out, tell them they're next.

To our brave heart: You're not failing; you're choosing survival. And that, my friend, is a masterpiece.
With ink-stained courage,

[Your Name] (because they're more than their relationships)

P.S. If you find Shame loitering near the cookie jar, remind it that guilt is a better snack. Guilt at least has some fiber.
Feel free to fold this letter into an origami crane or crumple it up and toss it into the wind. And remember, they're not alone—they're part of a constellation of souls navigating the same celestial chaos. 🌟✉️

Now, what other emotions can we write letters to? 💌

***********

This letter made me laugh, and it also made me feel better about some of the shame I hold regarding my estrangement from a dysfunctional family. 

********

Hope  :)

I particularly like the phrase 'They can fold their origami heart into a paper boat and sail away."   :cloud9:

That's really thought-provoking, actually. And I also like the phrase about the paper boat. That resonated. Thank you for posting it.

Thanks NarcKiddo, I had wanted to write my own 'letter to shame' but I find I can't do it easily, so having the computer do it - it was really creative in the response and also very poignant and to the point - I thought.  I am looking forward to re-reading it, as I feel it's got a lot in it that I can process over time.  I also like the 'garden of self-care' idea - makes me think of The Secret Garden yet again.   :)

SanMagic I noticed that you wrote me a message, but that it's disappeared (and I saw Kizzie's warning that messages might have disappeared) - but I wanted to thank you for what you said.  You agreed with me about it being reminiscent of 'The Secret Garden' and I found it comforting to read you saying that.  Thank you  :hug:

Hope  :)

Oops, I only meant to put SanMagic's name in bold - not the whole thing.  Oops

o my heart!  i absolutely thought i'd responded to you, hope, and came here today and was so confused cuz there was nothing from me, so i'm glad you wrote that about post disappearing.  thanks, or i would've thought i'd gone bonkers!

yes, the secret garden.  i read it a long time ago, had a beautiful velvet-covered edition of it for many years, but it was one of the fatalities of our latest move.  unfortunately i don't remember much about it, but i just knew that your comparison was right on.  i do remember thinking it was a lovely story at the time.

i think it's important to employ a garden of self-care.  one of our most powerful tools in our arsenal in combatting this beast.  somehow, even something like making my bed makes me feel better whenever i walk into my room that day.  such a little thing can feel tremendously huge, tho, and i can't do it every day. 

keep up the good work, hope.  love and hugs :hug:

Hi Hope,

I hope your processing of shame goes well. In my experience, it has been immensely difficult to talk about and dive into, but also I think very rewarding. I think perhaps recognizing that there is shame around relationships and potential rejection has helped me to have some distance with this and not be triggered.

Sending you support,
dolly  :hug:

Hi SanMagic and Dollyvee,
Thank you so much for what you each said.  :hug:  :hug:

***********
23rd September 2024
The weekend was more challenging than I anticipated.  I need to write about it - but right now, I don't feel I can.  But I hope to in the coming days, as I feel I could learn from it to share what happened.

On a positive note though, I am feeling better right now - as I write this.  I got through the triggering stuff from the weekend.   :cheer:

Hope  :)

I'm relieved you've gotten thru on the other side of the triggers this weekend.  :grouphug:

 :hug:

I'm sorry the weekend was more challenging than you expected. But glad to read that you have got through and out the other side and now have a chance to decompress and process the whole thing.

 :grouphug:

 :cheer:

Armee, Chart, NarcKiddo, and Dollyvee, It really meant a lot to me that you each wrote what you did - thank you all -  :hug:  :hug:  :hug:  :hug:

********
25th September 2024
I had been in quite a lengthy series of EF's since the weekend.  It affected my night too - but not too much.  I am thankfully out the other side of it now, and I feel a lot better.  I'm going to see if something similar happens next weekend or not - as it is related to 'family' visits with my in-laws that's been triggering for me.  I see them most weekends - so it's not as if it's unusual, but somehow lately it's been more triggering - and more difficult to cope with.  I need to think about why that might be.  Think of ways to cope, as I feel like I am making progress in many ways, but contact with in-laws is not necessarily helpful - and yet, I don't want to end up avoiding all interactions - that wouldn't feel appropriate either.  I need to find a way to cope better.

I also think that I've been affected more this month as it's my sister's Birthday this month - and I had been thinking about her.  She had written on her facebook page that she'd enjoyed her Birthday.  I had (as normal) considered whether to send her a card, or make some contact, but decided not to - it's not been a good outcome when I've made contact previously.  I think I'm ok with that, but maybe that was also affecting me, and leading me to feel extra triggered with my in-laws.

********
I just read another book this week, called 'The Unexpected Gift of Trauma: The Path to Posttraumatic Growth' by Dr Edith Shiro.(2023)  I must say I thought it was excellent - gave me a lot of hope about going forward.  I like that she talks of 'posttraumatic growth' - I might write a few notes from it, to remember some things.  I hope to do that, and if I do, I hope to write them here.

**********
Hope  :)

Quote from: Hope67 on August 16, 2024, 05:49:15 PMI re-read my 'timeline' today - that's something I am grateful that I didn't delete.  I had shredded a whole ton of written stuff (notes and factual finding stuff) but I had kept a digital copy of a time-line which covers my entire life, and I tend to occasionally re-read it, and add in reflections (with the date I make the reflection) and then I can see how I alter in my thoughts and reflections over time.

A great resource for putting everything in the proper place. This goes hand in hand with the book, Leaving a Trace.

Yes, the book with graphics or content about CSA is hard to keep when the voices inside say no. You'll discover or be intuitively led to your next step. I'm glad you're continuing to examine yourself, experiences and write about them here.

Thanks, Hope.

I'm sorry for the loss of contact with your sister. That must cause a lot of pain even when it is for the best.

dang, i wrote a whole post and lost it.  hate it when that happens.

anyway, in essence, i had that unsatisfactory piece happen when contacting both my D1 and sister, so i can relate. it's kind of a raw feeling, so i can see the connection between that and triggers knocking you off balance.  i do hope you figure out the in-law piece, too.  it's a lot, hope.  love and hugs :hug:

Hi Lakelyn - thanks for what you wrote - I will look up the book 'Leaving a Trace' it sounds interesting.  I also liked that you wrote about 'intuitively' being led to the next step.  It often feels like that - as if there's things that draw me in a particular direction sometimes.   :hug:

Hi Armee - I really felt the emotion when you mentioned it being a painful thing - I am thankful to you for validating that pain, it helped me feel it, and I felt I needed to feel it.  I thought about it for some time over the subsequent days, and feel I've processed some of those feelings in a way that needed doing.   :hug:

Hi SanMagic - thank you for sharing your situation regarding D1 and your sister, and relating to the raw feeling.  I am sorry that your post got lost - it's annoying when that happens.  But thanks for writing what you wrote - I appreciated your validation.   :hug:

******
2nd October 2024
I have been reading the book by Rachel Reiland called 'Get Me Out of Here: My Recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder'(2004), and am on p.203 (Chapter 15) so almost over half-way through it.  I am finding it to be an incredible book for enabling me to vicariously process some emotions of my own, and I especially appreciate the detail she shares about her relationship and therapy sessions with her psychiatrist (Dr Padgett).  The way that Rachel has written the book makes everything easily understandable to me, and I can feel my different parts each finding different aspects within it to relate to.  It is like it speaks to me at a relateable and powerful level.  I really feel so glad to have found this book.

The therapy is Psychoanalytic Psychotherapy, and on p.34 of her book she writes: "The origins of neurosis and emotional pain developed in early childhood.  The therapist would work with the patient to reveal painful, buried emotions.  The patient's natural desire was to keep them buried through defense mechanisms, but the fears would become manageable in the light of adult, rational understanding, along with free association and uncensored thoughts."

"The therapist would align himself with the patient to cut through her defenses and allow the frozen feelings to surface. As a 'blank screen', he would reveal little of his personal life or his feelings to facilitate transference, the phenomenon where patients direct emotions intended for someone else in their lives, most likely from childhood, onto the therapist.  This transference often reveals more of a patient's buried feelings and subconscious motivations."

*******
I really appreciated Rachel writing the detail in this way, as it helped to see what process she was going through in her own therapy - and the book is amazing (in my opinion). 

Anyway, something I gleaned from it helped in my relationship with my in-laws - in that I recognise that I sometimes project my feelings onto my MIL, when essentially she isn't deserving of those projections, and this knowledge, which I thankfully thought about more when I saw her on the weekend, helped me not to act out any inappropriate things.  Hence our relationship seemed to be repaired in contrast to what had occurred the previous weekend.  I am relieved.

(I need to write some stuff about 'shame' as I have been thinking more about that emotion - but not sure how to approach it) - maybe I'll just free-associate when writing and that might help me express some things that might be helpful.  I'll think about it further, and make a decision on how best to try to express/process it.).

*******
I was so pleased yesterday that I mended my partner's trousers (sewing) using the sewing machine, because I had previously struggled a lot in doing any sewing - (I did attend a course to help to learn how to sew again in the past year - so I had worked hard to overcome my struggle in doing it) but the satisfaction of being able to help him out by mending his trousers - it was such a nice feeling.  It felt really good. 

Hope

I'm going to try to just sign off without putting a smiley face after my name - mainly because I had read an article where they contrasted different generations use of emoticons, and apparently it was noted that putting a smiley after a name might not necessarily be viewed in a positive way.  That, and the combination of how I feel when I might have said a comment or post that is sad or some other emotion, and then signing with a smiley face - also makes me think it isn't congruent.  Anyway, I am going to see what it's like to not put the smiley face after my name, and see how that is.

Hope

i'm glad you were able to find some satisfaction from sewing/mending, hope.  personally, i love to sew, haven't been able to for too many years.  it's the 'doing something with your hands' kind of accomplishment feeling, and it feels good.

psychoanalytic therapy is often a long, long road.  my D1 had it suggested for her, and she did it for a while, but we couldn't afford it long term.  i think it's amazing, tho, that the author was able to tackle borderline PD by utilizing it.  i'm sure it's a fascinating read.

i'm curious to know how it felt not to put the smiley face after your name.  interesting stuff. 

i'm also glad you recognized something that you could change re: your MIL, which made the interaction less upsetting for you.  well done! :thumbup:   love and hugs :hug:

Hope, I appreciated reading what you wrote as it is so helpful to find ways to explain our experience and I love coming across people that help us do so.

Hi SanMagic - Yes, I think it is something to do with the 'doing something with your hands' kind of accomplishment feeling - definitely!  It does feel good.   Regarding psychoanalytic therapy, the author of the book (Rachel) also mentioned the vast cost of that therapy - and I am definitely NOT considering going for any therapy myself.  I really feel I need to pace myself and go down the route of self-help - because I think that I have parts that are just too resistant to seeing any one therapist - except maybe for the one I did see in the past (a few years ago now).  I like the thought that I 'could' access it - if I needed to - but right now, I feel I'm ok.  (Definitely have a resistant part to considering therapy).

So far, I think I'm feeling ok about not putting the smiley after my name.  It's surprisingly ok!  Feels better infact - as I think it feels as if I'm being more 'authentic' - rather than having a smiley following me.    SanMagic thanks so much for the love and hugs  :hug:

Hi Rainydiary - Thank you for writing that.   :hug:

**********
3rd October 2024
Struggling to think about what I wanted to express just now.  I might pop back later.
Hope

I think it's smart to try experimenting with not putting the smiley face and finding ways to be more congruent with what you are saying and feeling.  :grouphug:

Thank you Hope for relating all your experiences and insight. I find it immensely helpful and inspiring.
 :hug:

Thank you Armee and Chart  :hug:  :hug:

Hi Hope,

I'm glad you found the book and the writing about her experiences helpful. I feel like beginning to recognize projections is a big step. I also find I do this a lot and helps me to get out of my head a bit when I begin to see it happening, and try to process what might be driving it underneath.

Congrats on sewing the pants  :cheer: and hope you're to express some of the thoughts around shame that you want to say.

Sending you support,
dolly

Thanks so much Dollyvee  :hug:

25th October 2024
I've not really felt I could write anything meaningful - or indeed anything much - in my journal this past couple of weeks or so - but wanted to write something today, just to remind myself of things I've done in recent weeks.

I had managed to attend something that had caused me a lot of apprehension and anxiety - and in the end, it went much better than I anticipated - and I was pleased to have managed to get there to do it.  I had tried to do that same thing last year, but didn't manage it then.  So that is definitely progress.  I learned something valuable from attending it, both in terms of what I learned by attending it (it involved some educational learning) and also in terms of my worries about what 'might come up' but infact did not. 

In terms of reading, I'm currently reading a couple of books - one is "Second Act: What Late Bloomers Can Tell You About Reinventing Your Life' (2024) by Henry Oliver.  This is proving to be an interesting book, and I'm learning some hopeful things about how people can be quite creative and resourceful and positive in later life - or as late bloomers.  I hope to bloom with something creative/meaningful in the future - I am currently hopeful that I will - without giving myself any pressure.

The other book is one that I saw Armee mention, and it is called "Life Reinvented: A Guide to Healing from Sexual Trauma for Survivors and Loved Ones" (2014) by Erin Carpenter.  It's extremely well written (I think) and clear and comprehensive, and free from jargon - making it really useful for me.  I am grateful to Armee for sharing her experiences of this book - it helped me to decide to buy it, and I'm glad I have.  I also ended up watching some U-tube videos too, which shows me that I'm more ready to process stuff, as I tend to avoid it - only sometimes approaching the subject.

What I've noticed is that now that I'm more able to ground my physiology, and feel more grounded generally - that I can 'look at' things that previously had been way out of my window of tolerance.  I am glad, because I feel like I'm ready to process more.  But I need to pace it still of course.

I had watched the Menendez brother's series on Netflix as well in recent weeks - that was heavy going, and stirred up quite a lot of thoughts and feelings for me.  Just wanted to mention it here, as I just thought about that.

Yesterday evening I also saw an 8 minute u-tube video by ?Jeremy Wise (I'm not sure if I've got his name right or not) but he's someone who often does videos about being the child of narcissitic parents.  He had done an 8 minute video on u-tube about examples of things that such parents could do, and I literally related to each and every one of those things - I felt it was very helpful to watch that video - because it summarised things extremely well.  I sadly didn't keep the link, but I suspect I could find it again, if I have a look.

I think I'd like to try to keep some 'gratitude diary' stuff going - I hope to write some things in Blueberry's thread about three good things - maybe I'll manage to do that more often than previously.  I often think about it, and enjoy reading what other people write, but I feel I should also write some things myself, and feel gratitude for those things.

Regarding some of my past memories, it's been fascinating to realise that things I'd put in a much younger time-frame (one particular memory of sitting with some other children waiting to start in a new class, in a new school) had been when I was actually about 11 years old, rather than about 5 or 6, which is what I had originally assumed.  This is a bit shocking, as I realise how young I felt when I was 11 years old.  Yet, I think 11 is a more mature kind of age.  But yet, I had felt so young.

I've been trying to work on ensuring I keep boundaries regarding relationships with other people - and move away from any tendencies to people please, or go beyond what is necessary in the relationship.  Interestingly, as I keep what I think are better boundaries, I've noticed that other people have reached out more towards me than they might have done previously - which is I guess a reaction to that change in myself.  I'm not sure though. 

When I meet someone for the first time, I've noticed a tendency for a much younger part of myself to engage - so that I think the other person ends up really thinking they want to get to know me - and I literally feel like another protective part then steps in to distance myself/protect myself.  Anyway, I am aware of it, and that's helped a lot in setting boundaries for me.  It's a work in progress.  I'm learning everyday.

My partner wants me to come for a walk with him now - we're enjoying the start of a long weekend, so I'm really hoping to enjoy that with him, and so some relaxing and enjoyable things.  That's the plan.

Hope

I hope you are having/had a lovely walk and enjoy your weekend with your partner.

Well done on going to that occasion you were worried about. I'm glad it was not as difficult as you feared.

I am interested to read how young you felt at age 11. I don't know if I felt very young at that age, but, looking back, I certainly was. And when I moved to boarding school I started to realise just how inexperienced and naive I was, so I suppose I felt even more young and defenceless then.

It's interesting that you feel other people are engaging with you more as you keep better boundaries. Maybe your boundaries are making you feel safer with yourself (which I guess is a major function of boundaries) and thus more confident. People generally like to know where they stand so a more grounded and confident you might make them feel safer, and because you feel safer you are more prepared to engage with any approaches, so you get into a more virtuous cycle. That's just the thoughts I had when reading your comments.

hey, hope,

this comment from NK expressed how i feel about your boundaries and others realization:

QuoteMaybe your boundaries are making you feel safer with yourself (which I guess is a major function of boundaries) and thus more confident.

i think i agree.  i know i've always been drawn to confidence in self re: others. boundaries is such a biggie.  well done! :thumbup:

it seems to me you've done a few of those, where you were apprehensive about going somewhere/attending some function, but went and discovered it turned out better than you anticipated.  i think there's been a lot of progress, hope, maybe more than you realize.  or, maybe it's just me seeing it that way.  i don't know.

i hope your plan and walk during the weekend was wonderful and enjoyable for you both. 

Quote from: Hope67 on October 25, 2024, 09:45:30 AMI had managed to attend something that had caused me a lot of apprehension and anxiety - and in the end, it went much better than I anticipated - and I was pleased to have managed to get there to do it.  I had tried to do that same thing last year, but didn't manage it then.  So that is definitely progress.  I learned something valuable from attending it, both in terms of what I learned by attending it (it involved some educational learning) and also in terms of my worries about what 'might come up' but infact did not.

:cheer: I'm so happy for you, Hope. Awesome that you were able to override those fears.

Quote from: Hope67 on October 25, 2024, 09:45:30 AMWhen I meet someone for the first time, I've noticed a tendency for a much younger part of myself to engage - so that I think the other person ends up really thinking they want to get to know me - and I literally feel like another protective part then steps in to distance myself/protect myself.

I think I understand what you mean there. It's a constant dance of wanting to know others and develop our relationships, but at the same time, wanting to be safe from any kind of harm. The whiplash of suddenly reeling back from people can be... painful to manage. But it's nice that you're able to recognise these feelings. :)

Regards,
Aphotic.

 :wave:

Hi NarcKiddo,SanMagic & Aphotic,
Thank you all so much for what you wrote.   :hug:  :hug:  :hug:

18th November 2024
A little while since I wrote here.  Just wanted to pop by and write something, however small - and hope to write more when I feel the moment is right. 
Hope

Hi Larry,
Thanks so much for your  :wave:  :hug:
Hope

 :grouphug:

Hi Hope.  :wave:

 :hug:

Hi NarcKiddo, Armee & Blueberry - thank you all so much  :hug:  :hug:  :hug:

*******
21st November 2024 (maybe a TW, but not sure what I'm going to write)

In the past week or so, I've finished reading a book by Lucia Osborne-Crowley called 'The Lasting Harm'.  I must say that I thought the book was well written, and I think Lucia was brave to share everything that she did - she looks at a court case, and attended that court case daily to make really good accounts of what happened, and what I found particularly helpful (from my self-help kind of reading) was that she quoted some of the specialists who spoke about sexual assault and issues relating to that.  I really found it helpful to read Lucia's book.  Regarding the specialist who spoke - her name was Dr Lisa Rocchio who is a Clinical and Forensic Psychologist.  She has had 30 years experience treating patients with traumatic stress and child sexual assault.  I learned quite a lot from reading the book, and I think it did me good to read it.  I took quite a few notes from it, so feel that writing the notes was a way to process what was said in a deeper way, and therefore more parts of myself listened to the information that way.

*********
At the moment, I am reading Rick Astley's autobiography, which is interesting because he is a similar age to me, and I am therefore interested to hear his experiences from similar times in life in the UK. 

************
Regarding dreams - I had some realistic dreams lately - and one in particular stayed with me, as I was crying in the dream, but upon waking realised I was also crying in real life - it was related to a work situation - it makes me think that I am processing past work issues in my sleep.  I'm pleased to be doing that - as I think processing things is healthy for me.  I recognise that I had repressed so many things, and not processed them.  So gradually doing that now, it is good - it feels healthy.

**********
I think things have improved in terms of not having had any night terrors for a considerable period of time - a few months.  This is an improvement for sure. 

I think I am also much better able to regulate my emotions - and give myself time to 'feel' them, and I am actually feeling them rather than my previous tendency to be more numb.  I watched the film 'Lee' last night, starring Kate Winslet, and that was incredibly emotive - some harrowing content from the second world war - but I allowed myself to cry and didn't repress the feelings - which is what I might have done previously.

********
I've started to listen to more u-tube videos involving sessions that involve Reiki - because somehow I feel that I am more open to the idea of clearing energies within my body, and those videos have been helpful to enable me to do that. 

I regularly do body scans and continue to do some EFT tapping as well - I've built it into my daily routine - doing some EFT whilst getting ready in the morning (whilst I'm in the bathroom, so I can do it privately).  I also do some in the kitchen, whilst preparing breakfast.  It seems to make me feel better to start the day in that way.

**********
Got to go now, I hear the laundry has finished.
Hope

I was glad to read your updates.  :hug:

hope, i am SO happy to hear that your night terrors have given you a break lately!  yay! :cheer:

the progress you have made so far is remarkable, especially since you are doing it on your own.  allowing yourself to feel your feelings, not numbing yourself immediately, putting EFT into your daily routine - well done! :thumbup: progress, a lot of progress. love and hugs :hug:

 :hug:

That's a really positive update. It was good to read.  :grouphug:

Lots of nice things to read here, Hope. :) Also thank you, you have reminded me I need to wash my laundry today, haha.

Regards,
Aphotic.

Happy to read your positive updates, Hope.
 :hug:

Hope,

This is all really good to hear. I'm glad you're feeling better these days. It seems to me that your being able to cry at the movie was a good sign. Progress.

My therapist often says that our goal is to get better access to energy. Better access to our dreams and to our own minds.  All those beautiful protectors and parts and exiles were there to protect us, and for that we can be grateful. We might be alive today because of our Parts. But the unintended consequences of the protection is that it also buffers us from our raw emotions.  To cry at a sensitive movie is appropriate. It's a good sign. It feels to me like you are gaining access to your own feelings, and for that, I say Congratulations. Emotions, when they are appropriate, are wonderful to feel. Crying at sadness feels good. Crying at not getting what I want feels bad. But as we gain access to our own spiritual selves, we start to level out and feel things appropriately. That's a sign that we are starting to get better.

I am familiar with Reiki. I used to study it and practice it way back in the 1990s. You said that you are visiting YouTube sites that are providing energy clearing...and I'm intrigued. I did go to an energy healer this last summer. It was freaky. I felt VERY different afterward. Here's a funny story about that event:

I have scoliosis. It causes a lot of back, neck and leg pain. I see massage therapists rather than chiropractors because after decades of regular chiropractic services, my body resists them now. So I get massages from qualified practitioners. My current Massage Therapist (MT) is also an energy healer. I asked her if she would do a 90 minute chakra clearing session for the price of my normal massage. She did. And now for the part of the story that makes it important that you know that she is also my MT.  I've been getting monthly massages from this practitioner for 7 years. On the day of the Energy Work, I put my clothing and electronics on the chair exactly as I always do in my massage sessions. I lay on the same table, facing the same direction, with the same MT that has worked on me for 7 years. But this time something very bizarre happened. There were three times during the 90 minutes when out of NOWHERE, my iPhone's Siri voice woke up and said, "Who do you want me to call?" She wouldn't stop asking until I said "Nobody." MT and I joke about it now, saying that our energy work was calling in my angels and guides, and the iPhone was picking up on that. LOL.

I've seen her for normal massages 6 times now since that day. I continue to my iPhone in that same spot. Siri never says a word.

I just think this is a cute story that is received well by those of us who believe that energy and spirituality and humanity are all happening at once here.

But I like that you said you can find energy work on YouTube. I think I'm going to see if I can give that a try. It's already been proven to me that energy work is helpful. All need now is to find ways to partake. And if I could do it at home, at no expense, it would sure allow for a lot more access to healing.

 :yeahthat:

Thank you so much everyone for what you wrote.   :hug:  :hug:  :hug:  :hug:  :hug:

2nd December 2024
I am just clearing out some papers, and came across some notes I wrote that I'd like to keep here, and shred the paper copy:

The notes are from Christy Gibson's book 'The Modern Trauma Toolkit' (2023)

p.9 "A traumatized mom might be detached from her children to protect from her own pain."

p.20 "It's not the event, but the response, that matters."

p.21 "In many cases, the most damaging person that causes trauma is a parent, which is unexpected and scary for a child."  "developmental or attachment trauma."

p.22 "When something happens and we feel isolated when we deal with it, that's more likely to cause a future trauma response."  "It's hard to be a parent when you never knew what safe parenting looked like from your own childhood."

p.27 "The aim of this book is to help you to find skills, tools, and concepts to move toward post-traumatic growth."

p.36 "Own point of view.  Person you're interacting with.  Person watching the overall scene.  The more distance, the less pain is re-experienced."

p.42 "the brain turns neutral signals into scary ones."

p.43 "her anxiety seems to live in her guts."  "gurling in her stomach"

(wow, I really relate to that one, my guts often speak out loud - lots of gurling noises)

p.48 "I believe that the body is the best initial doorway for trauma responses" Somatic therapy.

p.50 "Recent research shows that feelings are just an interpretation of physical symptoms, an expectation of the emotion that makes sense in the context."  "Likewise, if people are conditioned to believe that when their heart pounds, it represents fear, then that is the emotion they will interpret.  By associating the racing heart with excitement, you can change this emotional experience."

p.51 "all emotions are perceptions in the brain."  Creating new neural linkages. (this gives me hope - the neuroplasticity of it)

I found those notes to be quite uplifting and also relate to them.  I can shred the pages now and keep the notes here.  It was good to re-process what was written by typing it here - but the actual hand-writing of the notes also is a great way for me to process things.  I am hoping to remind myself to keep more written journals active - to look at current thoughts and feelings - but so far, I've been tending to write out notes from books that I'm reading, rather than journalling very much.

I am feeling stressed lately by some issues relating to in-law relationships - but I think I'm managing to keep my head above water and handle those things.  But it's challenging, and I've been finding that I feel quite angry about some things, and wish that people could be more up front about their intentions and what they want - rather than using passive agressive kind of means to communicate. 

I might take a break from social media this coming few days - not sure whether I'll definitely do that or not, but I think it's nice to do that sometimes, and is a good break - so maybe I will do it.  I'll see how I feel.

Hope

Thanks for sharing these quotes, Hope. They were very insightful for myself! I'm especially drawn to:

Quote from: Hope67 on December 02, 2024, 07:25:38 PMp.50 "Recent research shows that feelings are just an interpretation of physical symptoms, an expectation of the emotion that makes sense in the context."  "Likewise, if people are conditioned to believe that when their heart pounds, it represents fear, then that is the emotion they will interpret.  By associating the racing heart with excitement, you can change this emotional experience."

Perception is an incredibly powerful thing. Since I've started taking some antidepressants, I have felt my heart beating faster in my chest. At first, I automatically assumed that the medication was making my body more anxious. But when I looked at my smart watch, I could see absolutely no difference in my average heart rates before and after taking the meds. And it made me realise, perhaps it's not my body that's changed but my own perception of my body. My heart isn't beating faster, I'm just recognising my own heart beat more. And this quote that you've provided came at a great time to solidify that theory. :) So thanks for that!

I'm sorry you've been having some troubles with your in-laws. Wishing you all the best with it. I also highly support your idea of a social media break! :)

Regards,
Aphotic.

Hi Hope,

I'm sorry you have to deal with the passive aggressive behaviour from your inlaws. I find it so difficult to deal with as well.

Sending you support  :hug:
dolly

i'm with you hope as you go thru all this.

i found those passages comforting in some ways.  thanks.  love and hugs :hug:

Hi Aphotic, Dollyvee & SanMagic,
 :hug:  :hug:  :hug: to you all.  Thanks for what you said.
Hope

Hi Hope, stopped by to catch up. Sending good thoughts.
 :hug:

Thank you Chart - much appreciated  :hug:

24th December 2024
Wow, I love those kind of dates where the date is the same as the year.  There's a word for it, I think, but I don't know what it is.  But I like them.

Thankful to be coping reasonably well with the seasonal stuff - having mentioned that I like receiving Christmas cards a few days ago, I ended up getting a card I wasn't anticipating, and regretted getting that card - but I have coped, and put it out of my mind as much as I can.  This time of year is bound to bring up so many things - and it has been, but at the same time, I am coping.

I have stuff I want to write about, but don't feel there's much opportunity to do that yet - but I hope to write more over the coming weeks, as and when the opportunity arises. 

Hope

hope, here's to coping - with the holidays, surprises, or otherwise.  we'll get thru this.  love and hugs :hug:

 :hug:

 :hug:

 :hug:

Thank you all so much  :hug:  :hug:  :hug:  :hug:  :grouphug:

31st December 2024
I am just going to include a few quotes/notes that I took from books I've read in recent days - so I can shred the original notes and keep them here in my journal.  They may not make sense to anyone else reading necessarily - but I wanted to include them here for my recollections.

I read 'From Here to the Great Unknown: A Memoir' which is written both by Lisa Marie Presley and her daughter Riley Keough.  It's a MacMillan book dated 2024.  It was an amazing book - really interesting to read - having the experiences of Elvis Presley's daughter (who was a similar age to me) and his grand-daughter - it's definitely a book I'm glad to have read.

My notes from it are these:

p.71 Lisa Marie Presley's words: "It was about how things looked, the way things appeared seemed more important than feelings.  My Mom would never allow herself to lose control.  Everything was in its place."
(I relate to this with regard to my own relationship with my M - I think she was similar in this regard).

p.255 Riley Keough's words regarding her brother Ben's death: "I was in the most pain I've ever been in my life, but I also had the deeply transformative experience of surrendering to that avalanche of pain and not trying to avoid the grief.  This was a huge lesson for me - the only way out is through.  You must allow pain in to free yourself from it."

(I think that's really poignant and listened a lot to those words)

Riley Keough went on to say "We're told not to cry from the moment we're born.  We spend much of our lives trying to dissassociate.  When we feel something bad we try to make ourselves feel better, because we're afraid of it."
She went on to say:
"...Ben made me realise that every little thing matters, every little mundane moment, every flash of joy, All the pain." and she also said "Learning to hold joy and suffering and indifference and hope simultaneously."

(I thought Riley's words were incredibly mature and meaningful, and I wanted to keep those words here in my journal.  I'm grateful she wrote the book, and brought her mother's words and her own to the page, and shared them with people in the world.)

I also read a book by Lorna Sage called 'Bad Blood' which was I think a memoir of her life - she'd be a similar age to my M, so I wanted to hear her experiences for that reason.  I found it very helpful to read that book.

Some notes I took from that book:

p.37 "she dusted and scrubbed and mopped and ironed, but with self-scorn."

p.69 "Perhaps gossip as a communal art form actually censors out the unacceptable, rather than exposing it?"

p.70 "...suddenly charmed with the young woman his daughter had become, when he flirted and worse with her friend Marj.  The paradox is that if you add a hint of incest, the whole thing looks more innocent, or at least more impulsive."

p.72 "This family, though, is dangerously fissile, falling apart, orphaned, since nobody wants to play the part of parent."

p.75 "...turning her into a sexual object before she'd even properly recognised her own wants..."
(I relate to that too much)

p.112 "tense, self-conscious, embattled, as though something was supposed to go wrong."
"Their families didn't like their marriage, nor did the village."

p.133 "the reassurance of routine with the freedom of wandering off."

p.156 "disgust and self-doubt that had spoiled her own concentration at high school."

p.172 "Grown women were being spanked as a form of foreplay"

p.174 Post 1955 Rock'n'roll.  "teenagers post 1955 were a tribe apart."

p.176 "frustrated longings for a more glamorous life."

p.197 "so many brides were bulging to the alter."

p.216 "1950's glamour was grown-up and 15 year olds dressed to look like 30 year olds rather than the other way around."

p.244 "If we got married we would no longer be legally in the guardianship of our parents."

p.246 "Having such a secret was like having cancer a disease which couldn't be mentioned except in shamed whispers."
(She was referring to having a child out of wedlock)

p.247 "so ingrained still is the notion that nature is bound to adjust your feelings to your condition, unless you're a monster."

(I am glad I read that book, it helped me feel more of a sense of what growing up in the 1950's might have been like for my parents' generation and the societal taboos and related aspects of that).

I also read a book by a UK comedienne called Fern Brady, called 'Strong Female Character' (2023). That was also a really interesting book - she talks about her later diagnosis with autism, and her experiences.  I only wrote a couple of notes from that, which I shall also write here:

p.181 "I wasn't showing sufficient shame, that I was intellectualising my past experiences to hide the secret pain I felt." and she went on to say "You have to understand, with a lot of these people, they're projecting their own feelings of shame onto you."

I'm glad I read those books, and got quite a lot out of each of them.  I'm thankful to them all for sharing their experiences.

***********
I shall shred my paper notes now, knowing I've kept some of them here. 

I've also recently read an article about Estrangement by Audrey Helen Linden and Elizabeth Silence which looks at Parent-child estrangement and Psychological Wellbeing.  I've shared a link to that in the resources section of this forum, incase anyone is interested in the article.

I am at the point of having read the article, and I'm inwardly processing it - and maybe at some point I'll feel as if I can put some of my own feelings and reactions to my estrangement in a summary that makes sense to me - currently I have so many different thoughts and feelings about it, and realise I've not necessarily tried to really describe or process them in any understandable way. 

I think this will be my final entry for 2024, and I'll start a new journal for 2025 in the coming days.

So thinking about adding some final thoughts for 2024 here, and might add to them later, if I get any further thoughts.

Hope

an interesting array of books, hope.  i did grow up in the 50's and my one word for it is 'repression'.  thoughts, feelings, sexuality, curiosity, cancer ( i never heard that word mentioned out loud, always in a whisper), mental health, self-expression, etc. - it was all repressed.  if it wasn't mentioned, wasn't talked about, it didn't happen. and i remember the beatles and how they opened the door to let that out, were a breath of fresh air which blew away the cobwebs moldering in our minds.  they were much more than a band for me.  they were a doorway to me. a very different time and place, difficult to understand if you weren't a part of it.

it's been a year, once again.  i look forward to going into a new year with you.  love and hugs :hug:

Thank you for sharing your takeaways from the books you read, Hope. My dad was a singer and musician, and my parents always c9pared me to Lisa Marie Presley and Cassidy bono. I didn't know what they were talking about lol. But, while I don't compare myself to the children of superstars and what that must entail, I think it's interesting that they have similar experiences and they have a platform to talk about these things where the masses can hear it. I know Priscilla had some similar experiences to my mom and my mom claims to have married my dad to get away from her father.

I asked her once why it would have been inconceivable to simply "get away" on her own and she looked like deer in the headlights. It's not hard to put together why my mother treated me the way she did, but she didn't "have" to.

Repression..I relate so strongly to that, too, San. It's like my parents could have been more free-I was born in the late 60's, but they were stuck in the 50's as if they were little versions of their own parents, trying to repress and dictate and stay tightly wound.

Thanks Hope, all that was really intriguing and touching. I loved, the only way out is through.
That rings loud for me at the moment.
Happy new year to you and all. :hug:

Hi SanMagic,
Thank you for what you shared about your experiences growing up in that time period - I appreciated what you shared, and thank you.   :hug:

Hi Phoebes,
Thank you also for sharing what you shared.   :hug:   You mom's reaction, when she looked like a deer in the headlights - I thought about the fact that I didn't really feel brave enough to raise many issues with my M, as she scared me too much, but I do wonder how she might have reacted, had I done so.

Phoebes, I also relate to what you said about having parents who were little versions of their own parents - repressing, dictating and being tightly wound.  Repression - it's a big thing, and it is powerful in its results.

Hi Chart - I also definitely hold onto the phrase 'the only way out is through'.  Thanks for writing what you wrote, and Happy New Year to you too, and to everyone.  :-)

I am going to start my new journal for 2025 in a moment.

Hope