I'm kind of all over the place lately..partly due to post Covid brain fog and fatigue, partly because of my dog not doing well and injuring myself, and partly because of estrangement issues...
However, something I really don't know how to handle at all is the recent distance of someone I consider a best friend. Someone I am used to spending a lot of time with(once a week or so)....I have gut feelings, but I also know sometimes these can be inaccurate due to cptsd and hypervigilance.
Ever since the holidays I have felt a gradual distancing coming from this friend. I realize right around the time I
M imagining, I quit drinking and have not had a drink since, as well as I caught Covid and have had long Covid symptoms that come and go, making it hard to make plans.
Then there have been a couple of times where I felt like our plans got canceled because she forgot, under the guise of a "misunderstanding."
And now, I have had difficulties with my dog and an injury. And I have felt like she wasn't supportive at all, and hasn't reached out since...so, all signs point to she is distancing herself, but I don't know IF that's true, or why that would be. But I imagine my cptsd is running a bit wild.
I just want to ask her. Or even just ask her if she wants to do something and see if she says yes or no. It's probably not as big of a deal as I feel but I feel very crushed, loss of appetite, and gets severe anxiety when I think about texting her. This is someone I text and see you weekly for the last 10 years. This is just nuts. what is going on here what should I do and how should I say it? I feel so dysregulated, and I've spent several days feeling this way and doing the exercises to calm it down and watching videos about this sort of thing to help. I probably should just reach out but I just don't know.
Hey I recently went through something similar with my best friend too. Things still aren't the same and I'm not sure why. It does suck. But most likely in my case and yours, it has something to do with the other person's life. So perhaps just show up as a friend to her. But I know too us with cptsd tend to give more than we receive so putting our own needs continually aside and caring for the other exacerbates our own neglect too.
Sorry you've gone through something similar recently Armee. I have felt a Less pronounced version of this before, and it turned out she was just busy. I guess it just feels like there's been a lot of little things adding up. And now I'm frozen from reaching out at all.
I resonate with transitions in friendships and relationships. It is confusing and hurtful and complex.
I agree rainy. And I'm starting to think maybe my having perpetual struggles or being somewhat unavailable, and maybe even no fun anymore since I don't drink lately, maybe I've just become a bomber to her. I've always felt like I can't really talk about what's going on with me because it's all too much and even if I just give a little glimpse she shuts me down pretty quick. Because who can relate or handle the tiniest fragment of the BS we have to constantly deal with?
Ok, I texted and she already had plans with a mutual friend, but she invited me. Which is usually the case. I feel like why didn't they invite me in the first place if they really wanted me to come? I don't know maybe I need to back off and just stop putting so much stock in it. Maybe it's telling me I don't have enough other plans of my own.
No advise, but I understand struggles with friends. I'm sorry you are going through this.
Thank you, not alone. :hug:
Bravo to you for taking the risk to text Phoebes :thumbup: :cheer: :applause:
Maybe if you are still a bit uncertain and feel up to it you could take the risk of saying something to her like "Are we good? I've been feeling a little worried about our relationship lately and thought I'd check things out with you."
Thank you kizzie for the encouragement! I do think that conversation is in the near future!
Well, I went to the gathering, and I can't say I feel any better. In fact I think I feel worse. It's like usual where I feel everyone there is connecting and conversing in a flow with each other and I am sitting there listening. And at some point someone awkwardly says so what's new with you? And there's really no interest in what I have to say. I chalk it up to my awkwardness and my inability to connect. My anxiety. I don't think I would've felt this way if I didn't already feel there was something wrong.
I also feel like I fawned in a way. By going at all and by acting like nothing was wrong in hopes everything would be alright. Also, I had a couple of drinks, when I have not drank in a long time. I just wanted everything to feel normal.
I'd like to give you a :hug: if that feels good for you because this sounds so familiar to me, more how things used to be than how they now are.
Thank you blueberry. I can relate to that. Because I thought this sort of feeling and scenario was long in the past. Makes me wonder if molecules I thought I've healed by now or still lurking in there waiting to pounce
Still dealing with this topic, I wanted to wait until my body was not flooded with hypervigilance and toxic shame. I hadn't really experienced this in a long time and I know it is CPTSD related, and one thing I have learned is when I'm feeling too urgent to say or do something that I should wait.
Part of the stress is my dog needs immediate and ongoing care, and she is his vet. I just very bluntly asked and said that I needed to make plans for his care and if she was up for it I would rather it be her then someone else. She then responded with some stuff about making sure my insurance was covering it. I think she was concerned that it would be expensive for me, which felt very strange because I'm not used to people being concerned about my finances lol and it felt a little ick. I let her know to not worry about that part, that I was going to get him help one way or the other and I would rather it be her regardless of the financial end. So we set that up. But nothing about the personal side.
All week I kept wanting to see if she wants to do something fun this weekend. I think it was just me wanting things to be back to normal. Then I had some fears come up like that have taken place for a while. That she's already made plans with the other people and then she invites me to tagalong. This all sounds so silly but I just don't know why I can't connect with these people, because I really like them and would like to. For some reason I feel very other.
Then I just felt to wait because I was feeling too urgent and anxious. After some writing I realized that I have some issues that I have never addressed. I feel like I can't talk to her about anything that might be perceived as "negative". This is sort of a trigger for me because my family has some of the toxic positivity brigade that I've learned is actually toxic and not how I "should" be thinking. I forced myself to sink toxic positivity for years and it ruined my life frankly.
But then she will talk about how she and other friends talked about this and that and it really hurts my feelings that somehow I'm not allowed to connect on that level or it just annoys her. All of this made me think you know I don't feel this way or have this level of expectation of my other friends. Maybe I'm expecting too much because she is my close single friend who Those things with me regularly. I don't know, maybe this relationship hasn't flowed the way I thought it had. Maybe I have fawned and not talked about things important to me because I knew she would View it as negative. It's really kind of messed up. Maybe it is a dysfunctional dynamic even. Is this something we could talk through and become better friends? Or should I just except that maybe it's not a good fit. Either way it's exceptionally painful and I'm kind of down on myself for how I've handled this over the years.
Just want to let you know that I read your post Phoebes. I've been through a fair number of problems in long-term friendships that I thought were good friendships. Then it didn't always turn out that way. I don't have an answer. You will come to one when the time is right for you or the way is clear for you. :hug:
Thank you blueberry. I really appreciate your sentiments. I think I'm ok with talking to her and being ok with whatever the outcome..
I read your post too Phoebes and I can see just how much this is hurting and confusing and that you don't know what to do (or not do as the case may be). She is your bestie and the thought of losing her would send me into a tailspin (hypervigilance and shame and for me fear) if it were me. I'm really sorry you're going through this. :hug:
Thanks, Kizzie :hug: it's funny just hearing you say that helps so much. I still rarely think about my feelings as being hurt or having reason to be hurt.
Well I thought I would just weigh back in about my friend..the last time we went to dinner, I thought we had a great conversations, made fun plans for the near future..then the next day I got a text saying things needed to change, and that she had "tried to help me for a while now." Huh? I'm not the type that asks or wants help..the only thing I can think of is I have continued to have some Covid symptoms and have somewhat felt the need to "explain" since we normally do activities that I haven't been able to do lately.
Anyhoo, after the text I was going back and forth over if I had anything to apologize for, if we could talk and work out our "differences", and what I've landed on is that *? I think I've been a bit over explain-y, overly concerned, and she has become annoyed with any amount of my sharing my struggles about it. If I hadn't explained, would it not be strange I wasn't doing the normal activities we do? I don't know. I just think a true friend might actually be concerned or empathic about long Covid,. She is more the disbelieving or non understanding type I guess. Clearly I am annoying to her which brings to mind the old adage that once you feel you've annoyed someone, never disturb the, again.
Well that sounds like it was a surprise. Maybe ask her how she thinks things need to change and then you'll have some idea of what she's talking about? Or is that too awkward at this stage?
I don't know Kizzie. I guess I've been taking my time, observing how I feel..I've gone back and forth over shame, self-blame, in true cptsd fashion. Then I think, well, I don't get why it would burden HER if I am struggling...why do I always feel the need to explain? I don't think that's a new feeling. I think I've been a bit codependent in this relationship, altering and acquiescing, or, at the least, not always being my full self. So in that sense I feel responsible for getting to this point.
She has expressed about other people how she has little patience for people who stay "stuck" in a problem or in illness, and she made it clear that she think I am stuck and not doing enough about it(which I disagree with.) so, instead of feeling 100% at fault, I feel like I wouldn't want to disturb her weekend and maybe should wait until I am 100% (sarcasm). I have a side of my family that is this way. Everything is suck it up buttercup not allowed to be sick or take care of yourself. My first year of teaching I got pneumonia by pushing through when I was sick when I broke my leg I got back to work prematurely and hurt it by a kid falling up against me. I guess I've never felt a safe place so not feeling safe in that way felt normal.
I've got all of these mixed feelings about it. I hate to lose a friend, but it's also sort of a relief oddly.
That's interesting that you feel relief - kind of says it all I think. And I like the way you are thinking when you say you're asking yourself why it would burden HER :thumbup:
:hug:
Yeah, feeling relief at this stage is certainly interesting to say the least because as you said in the previous post you had been taking your time about feeling into your emotions. :hug:
Yeah, I am surprised by that feeling. I think it's a feeling of not having a single thing left I have to pretend about or "be good" for, or monitor myself about. I didn't realize how much I had done that until now. I was and have been really devastated about this shift in energy and spending time together. Sick in my stomach in a way I hadn't felt in a very long time. But now that I've been processing it, something about letting go feels good. Relieving.
It's been about three weeks since I got a text from my friend saying things needed to change. That she had tried to help me, meaning, I hadn't received the message and applied the wisdom. I have still not responded, because whenever I think I might, I feel like why would I want to reach out to someone who I am clearly annoying. Also, I am reminded that this is not the first time she has seemed annoyed by my struggles. there are certain topics I already know she does not want to talk about or hear.
Years ago when I went no contact with my mother, I filled her in, and really only barely scratch the surface and I remember feeling like she shut And didn't really want to hear about it. So I kept much of my self healing journey to myself. There was one or two times where it came up and I talked a little about it and I could feel her discomfort and she may be even left and left me feeling like she was running from me. And I remember thinking oh yeah, I should not talk about that to her. I won't do that again.
Fast forward to know, and I get the same feeling about any mention of my long Covid symptoms, like she doesn't even believe me. Now it's as if she has "helped" me in her mind. That kind of irks me because that reads to me like she think she's more wise and like I don't know how to help myself. I feel like all I do is try to help myself and heal my cptsd as well as physical health issues many of which she doesn't even know about.
Believe me, I am my own worst critic, and if I even talk a little about these things, I am careful not to be one of those people that goes on and on about nothing but themselves and their health problems. I don't feel like I've done that, but I feel like that's how she feels if that makes any sense. By her text by her former reactions. Maybe she and I are just in two different places. Or she is very sensitive to any amount of hearing my struggles. I am here for her struggles, but she does not talk about them. She's even said one time, she doesn't see any value in talking about her problems maybe that is the way to go. The wiser choice. I didn't listen
So anyway, I guess I'm to the point where I don't really feel like responding, and I feel like I have overly explained myself and compensated and that was sort of codependent of me. I don't do that with other friends, but I could see you were with her, I have felt not good enough. I felt like I needed to explain why I wasn't at my best and in hindsight, maybe I've lost myself a little bit in this friendship this is where my relief comes from. I feel like I can just be myself, even if it means I am all alone over here.